1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,000 Hello and welcome. My name is Kyle and this is How You Level Up, a podcast that decodes language 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:22,260 to help you become your best self. Today we're going to be speaking with Carlos Garcia. He is 3 00:00:22,260 --> 00:00:27,840 a JAG officer and a master resilience trainer in the Army Reserve. For over a decade he's worked as 4 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:33,280 a trial defense counsel and resilience trainer, helping soldiers and leaders tackle judgment and 5 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:38,720 adversity head on. One of the very difficult things that we all experience is maintaining 6 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:45,620 composure under pressure. Very often we have a story that we tell ourselves. Carlos helps his 7 00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:52,040 clients, both in the military and outside of the military, to identify what that story is so that 8 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:57,320 you can make a conscious choice about how you're going to react to a certain situation, 9 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:01,220 or perhaps just to understand a little bit more about yourself. 10 00:01:02,220 --> 00:01:05,460 I really enjoyed this conversation, and I'm sure you will too. 11 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:09,900 Without further ado, here's the conversation that I had with Carlos Garcia. 12 00:01:11,180 --> 00:01:16,100 You were in the military, and you were a JAG officer. 13 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,920 My brother actually was a JAG officer as well, 14 00:01:19,020 --> 00:01:22,400 so I have a little bit of context in terms of what you were handling. 15 00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:27,560 Let's start off with that point in your story when you were working for the military. 16 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:33,380 sure so where uh what branch was your brother in the marine corps 17 00:01:33,380 --> 00:01:39,800 nice okay yeah i i probably should have done the marine corps you know in the marine corps 18 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:44,500 jags are considered paper pushers they're not really uh jags that's what they call them right 19 00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:49,140 i don't know if your brother told you that you're always a marine first and then a jag second 20 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:54,820 and i think you were in the jag as well uh in the marine corps as well right i was yeah yeah 21 00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:58,120 Yeah, so I'm in the Army Reserve Jack Corps. 22 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,120 So there's an active duty component and a reserve component. 23 00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:08,040 And I started, I commissioned in 2016 into the Army Reserves, into the Army Jack Corps Reserves. 24 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,260 And I've been doing it ever since, and I love it. 25 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:19,720 You know, I'm a major now in the reserves, and I work in TDS, which stands for Trial Defense Service. 26 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:38,400 And essentially it's sort of like being a public defender on the civilian side, except in the military you're defending soldiers with different sort of adverse actions, different sort of crimes. 27 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:46,780 and it's sort of neat because you can change branches in the legal fields that you're in. 28 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:51,380 You can work in international law, you can work in criminal law, at law, environmental law, 29 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:56,900 but I really love trial defense service because I like this notion of working for the underdog. 30 00:02:57,060 --> 00:02:58,900 It's like the whole government is against you. 31 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,160 That's just like in the public defender civilian side. 32 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:05,720 It's very similar on the military side and I love that. 33 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:15,280 I love the part about having to really connect with an individual and having to humanize them essentially, right? 34 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:24,160 Because many times when the charges come all the way up the chain of command, all they see is a piece of paper. 35 00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:31,500 So part of my job is to humanize the individual who's being charged with whatever he's being charged with or she. 36 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:39,120 and that entails a lot of getting to know the soldier as an individual, as a human being. 37 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:44,460 Where do they come from? Who are they? Who were their parents or who are their parents? 38 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,160 Hobbies, passions, etc. 39 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,760 And really getting an intimate look into their lives 40 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:56,700 because it's so important when you go up to separation boards, for example, 41 00:03:56,700 --> 00:04:02,020 and you have to talk to the judges, essentially, 42 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:06,500 and explain who this person is, that he's just not a piece of paper. 43 00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:12,980 He's a human, and this is why certain things happen, 44 00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:15,700 providing context, because there's always context 45 00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:21,060 that you have to include circumstances surrounding the situation. 46 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,300 So yeah, that's sort of what I do with trial defense, 47 00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:27,580 and I've been doing it for a while now. 48 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:28,160 I love it. 49 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,640 Yeah, almost 10 years at this point. 50 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:32,420 Yeah, right. 51 00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:32,740 Wow. 52 00:04:33,780 --> 00:04:34,760 10 years, yeah. 53 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:35,800 Time flies. 54 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:37,400 Yeah, so. 55 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,520 So when you're humanizing someone, 56 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,520 there is, of course, you know, 57 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:45,180 when you join the military, 58 00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:47,260 you become a number. 59 00:04:47,260 --> 00:04:49,480 You become the property of the U.S. government. 60 00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:51,800 I think that's legally what you become, right? 61 00:04:51,820 --> 00:04:53,820 And that's why they don't want you to do certain things, 62 00:04:53,820 --> 00:05:00,360 you know take any sort of legal drugs there's different regulations and laws that apply to 63 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:07,160 anyone that's in the military and learning about that context for the individual how do you then 64 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:15,380 relay that to the judge how is it you get their story across yeah it's a lot having to do with 65 00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:25,480 immersing yourself in the experiences of the person, you know, because it's very different 66 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:30,620 when you prepare, say you're preparing for a presentation. So in my case, I have to do 67 00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:36,380 opening statements and closing statements and, you know, oral advocacy. And it's not, 68 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:43,500 I have found in my experience, it's not just about memorizing the script. You have to really 69 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:51,240 invoke and believe in what you say you have to really immerse yourself in in the experiences 70 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:58,120 that your client had from you have to see things from their point of view and almost like experience 71 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:04,080 it so that you can really feel you know like you can really associate emotions with it so that when 72 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:11,880 it's time to deliver and and advocate for your client it's going to come out naturally you don't 73 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:16,880 have to think about, you know, raising your hands like this or using vocal variety or, 74 00:06:17,260 --> 00:06:21,540 you know, making sure your facial expressions or your body gestures are on point because 75 00:06:21,540 --> 00:06:28,160 it's coming from your inside, right? You've internalized the experiences. And when you 76 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:32,980 do that, in my experience, I found that everything else comes more naturally. You look more persuasive. 77 00:06:34,340 --> 00:06:34,820 Yeah. 78 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:40,040 You look more persuasive and you sound more persuasive. I don't know if you can resonate 79 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:40,480 with that. 80 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:47,420 absolutely yeah you're not overthinking whatever is the points you're getting across you're just 81 00:06:47,420 --> 00:06:53,280 relaying the information in the most transparent and authentic way and you can't do that unless you 82 00:06:53,280 --> 00:07:02,760 truly understand exactly yeah and yeah and it's about just immersing yourself and and wanting to 83 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:07,480 do it as well because if you're not really understanding where your client is coming from 84 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:14,020 you're not it's just going to be a memorization sort of exercise and you're going to start 85 00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:21,460 thinking about okay what do i say now versus trying to get you know speaking with more uh 86 00:07:21,460 --> 00:07:30,560 intent yeah or purpose right yeah and that that for me has made a big uh difference you have the 87 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:37,460 ability to choose your clients outside of your jag work is there any optionality for you to choose 88 00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:42,200 who you represent when representing them as a JAG officer? 89 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:44,280 Yeah, that's a good question. 90 00:07:44,460 --> 00:07:50,120 So nowadays I do my JAG work as an attorney, 91 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:55,680 and then I don't really take any clients on the civilian side. 92 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:01,980 But, yeah, I mean, I think what you're asking is about conflict of interest, right? 93 00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:09,100 conflict of interest or partly you know wanting and understanding their point of view i mean 94 00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:13,420 there's definitely people that you want to work with and people maybe you don't want to work with 95 00:08:13,420 --> 00:08:20,740 but you still have to advocate for them for sure yeah so if i was to work in criminal defense work 96 00:08:20,740 --> 00:08:28,640 on the civilian side which i don't but i know many people who do um one challenge is dealing 97 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:36,700 with people who are not necessarily fun to work with for various reasons. 98 00:08:36,980 --> 00:08:41,220 They're not good keeping the communication lines open. 99 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:48,140 They're not good in giving information requested from the attorneys. 100 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:53,520 And just those two factors complicates things tremendously 101 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:57,160 and creates a lot of time inefficiencies. 102 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:04,940 But, yeah, nowadays what I do is I train. 103 00:09:05,060 --> 00:09:06,760 So I'm an Army resilience trainer. 104 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,280 I'm sure in the Marine Corps you have something similar, right? 105 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:14,200 Every branch has something similar, like a master resilience training program. 106 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,020 You have that as well, right? 107 00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:16,280 Yeah. 108 00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:20,000 So in the Army we have something like this. 109 00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:21,240 It's called MRT. 110 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,620 It stands for Master Resilience Trainer. 111 00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:30,760 and several years ago a psychologist and his team by the name of Martin Zelligman 112 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:33,180 came and created this program 113 00:09:33,180 --> 00:09:38,600 and the army in conjunction with Martin Zelligman and his team 114 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,200 they worked together to create a resilience training program 115 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,620 that was initially being used on the civilian side 116 00:09:43,620 --> 00:09:45,000 but then the army adopted it 117 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:50,080 and they created this program that essentially trained soldiers in different units 118 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:54,960 on resilience topics, how to become more resilient, 119 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:56,460 how to increase your resilience. 120 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:59,220 And then soldiers who are trained in resilience, 121 00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:01,660 they become certified resilience trainers, 122 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,200 and then they go to their respective units 123 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,520 and they train the soldiers in their respective units. 124 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,300 And so that's what I do. 125 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,040 And I go to my unit and I train. 126 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:17,500 And it's challenging because on the reserve side, 127 00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:21,940 not everybody meets all the time 128 00:10:21,940 --> 00:10:24,420 so the challenge is always 129 00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:26,580 how do you inculcate 130 00:10:26,580 --> 00:10:28,360 these important topics 131 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,440 to soldiers who only see you 132 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,000 a certain amount of time, right? 133 00:10:33,380 --> 00:10:35,400 And even on the active duty side 134 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:39,260 I wish it was a little bit more 135 00:10:39,260 --> 00:10:41,620 prioritized 136 00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:43,360 in terms of 137 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,120 blocking out chunks of time 138 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,340 to really learn this stuff 139 00:10:47,340 --> 00:10:54,320 because often I've found that resilience training is not prioritized like it should be, 140 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,380 but I think it's super important. 141 00:10:57,900 --> 00:11:00,300 There's a perception in the military about resilience, 142 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:07,280 but I think it's important to understand that resilience for me and how I define it 143 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:12,460 is about bouncing back, being flexible, but not just bouncing back, 144 00:11:12,460 --> 00:11:20,520 but thriving in the face of adversity, in the face of uncertainty, in the face of change. 145 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:28,540 And underneath that requires lots of emotional control. 146 00:11:29,860 --> 00:11:40,300 And that means that emotions, if you think about it, what ultimately derails us often are our emotions, right? 147 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,280 frustration, anger 148 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:47,740 impatience, stress, anxiety, fear 149 00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:50,640 and if we don't know how to control that 150 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,940 then we're going to quit early 151 00:11:53,940 --> 00:11:55,500 we're not going to try 152 00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:58,360 we're going to avoid things 153 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:03,520 and a lot of resilience is emotional control 154 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,760 knowing how to manage your thoughts 155 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,500 knowing how to manage your emotions 156 00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:14,620 knowing what to tell yourself after you fail or after you make a mistake. 157 00:12:14,620 --> 00:12:22,720 Because if you don't know what to tell yourself, you're going to stay down, right? 158 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:24,560 You don't want to stay down too long. 159 00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:25,020 Yeah. 160 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,200 The knowing of what to tell yourself. 161 00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:37,160 There's distinctions that inside of this resilience training you likely have in your toolkit of, 162 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:41,480 this is what you can say to feel a little bit better. This is what you can look for in your 163 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:46,580 emotional reaction to identify what is it that you're feeling so you can figure out why am I 164 00:12:46,580 --> 00:12:54,560 feeling this, right? That emotional control, even the word control, it's very militarized 165 00:12:54,560 --> 00:13:00,820 in the sense of it's intelligence to understand what's happening. And you're completely right. 166 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:05,580 In the military, they, instead of acknowledging whatever emotions are happening, they say, 167 00:13:05,580 --> 00:13:20,127 you don have emotions you strong you are a weapon go out fight the good fight and then come back and you be fine whereas this resilience recognition it hold on if you feeling something let figure out what 168 00:13:20,127 --> 00:13:26,607 it is so we can move past it and through it rather than avoiding it completely yeah we have this 169 00:13:26,607 --> 00:13:35,767 perception that we should avoid our emotions or hide that but doing that makes you know it's going 170 00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:40,667 into your subconscious, but it's going to bubble up when you least expect it, I have 171 00:13:40,667 --> 00:13:42,547 found, and research shows as well. 172 00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:51,627 And so you need to, so there's a therapy that is considered a very highly effective form 173 00:13:51,627 --> 00:13:56,507 of therapy, which is, you may have heard of, it's called exposure therapy or stress desensitization. 174 00:13:56,507 --> 00:14:03,267 And that's what the military actually does, which is doing things that are increasingly 175 00:14:03,267 --> 00:14:11,607 difficult and stressful, and then over time desensitizing yourself to the stress, right? 176 00:14:11,707 --> 00:14:17,407 So if you think about training for actual missions, right, like in the Marine Corps or 177 00:14:17,407 --> 00:14:21,367 special or operators, you know, Navy SEALs, that's how they train. 178 00:14:21,487 --> 00:14:22,947 Olympians, that's how they train. 179 00:14:23,327 --> 00:14:30,787 They train for the mission where the training becomes more difficult than the actual mission 180 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:35,567 so that when the mission comes, they're ready, right? 181 00:14:35,687 --> 00:14:36,847 They're ready to shine. 182 00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:38,967 And there's a reason behind that 183 00:14:38,967 --> 00:14:43,487 because by making the training highly difficult, 184 00:14:43,887 --> 00:14:46,987 you're desensitizing yourself to the stress 185 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:50,107 because when it's time to shine, 186 00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:53,267 you need to be able to think clearly. 187 00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:57,207 You need to be able to be creative, 188 00:14:57,827 --> 00:15:00,387 use your intuition, think on your feet. 189 00:15:00,787 --> 00:15:09,027 and I have found that you can't do that if you're feeling highly anxious or highly stressed out 190 00:15:09,027 --> 00:15:11,827 because your amygdala is going crazy, right? 191 00:15:11,907 --> 00:15:13,167 That fight-or-flight response. 192 00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:19,847 You need to train your amygdala by teaching it through stress exposure 193 00:15:19,847 --> 00:15:22,007 that there's nothing to fear, 194 00:15:23,227 --> 00:15:28,487 and over time, your amygdala calms down so it doesn't get activated, 195 00:15:28,487 --> 00:15:32,507 and your prefrontal cortex part, the thinking part of your brain, 196 00:15:32,947 --> 00:15:35,667 can actually do the thinking, right, and be creative. 197 00:15:37,047 --> 00:15:39,527 And that requires, just like the military training, 198 00:15:39,627 --> 00:15:42,207 which is a great way to train, I think, 199 00:15:42,547 --> 00:15:44,487 a very effective way of training for anything, 200 00:15:44,767 --> 00:15:46,067 even in the workplace, you know. 201 00:15:46,067 --> 00:15:51,067 Like, many people make the mistake of training their communication 202 00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:55,487 or negotiation skills or their public speaking skills at the workplace. 203 00:15:55,487 --> 00:16:03,607 but you don't necessarily want to learn those things or take such high risks in the workplace 204 00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:10,427 because you need to be able to shine in the workplace and you have a certain persona you 205 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:16,487 need to keep right you have a reputation and so you can train for these things outside the 206 00:16:16,487 --> 00:16:21,347 workplace right so if you fear have a fear of public speaking you can train for these things 207 00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:27,627 outside of the workplace by mimicking the environment and expressing yourself essentially 208 00:16:27,627 --> 00:16:34,207 in public speaking scenarios so that you bring that new experience and new confidence into the 209 00:16:34,207 --> 00:16:40,947 workplace, right? Or negotiations, for example. If you need to do a lot of pitches, if you're an 210 00:16:40,947 --> 00:16:50,287 investor or an entrepreneur and you have, you know, you want to negotiate with some good potential 211 00:16:50,287 --> 00:16:53,687 prospects that you have. You don't want to blow it, right? So you want to make sure that you 212 00:16:53,687 --> 00:16:59,027 adequately prepare. How do you do that? Not by doing it in real life, but doing it in other ways 213 00:16:59,027 --> 00:17:05,727 that mimics that stress level so that when it's time to do it, it's easier. You're not so stressed. 214 00:17:06,207 --> 00:17:06,767 It's the same. 215 00:17:06,867 --> 00:17:07,627 If that makes any sense. 216 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:10,907 Yeah, absolutely. It's the same thing that you're doing when you're preparing 217 00:17:10,907 --> 00:17:18,467 to defend someone. It's getting to know what's happening inside and out. So you're preparing 218 00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:23,347 for that negotiation. You got to know everything ahead of time. It has to be like the back of your 219 00:17:23,347 --> 00:17:29,187 hand. You know exactly all of the details so that you can then move with the flow of the negotiation 220 00:17:29,187 --> 00:17:36,767 or public speaking. I think exposure therapy in general is, it's a well-known topic. And I don't 221 00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:42,447 think a lot of people know how to do it, how to prepare for it, even if they think to themselves, 222 00:17:42,447 --> 00:17:49,327 oh, like, okay, I have a presentation. And so let me present to my friend, or let me present to three 223 00:17:49,327 --> 00:17:55,307 friends over zoom. Nobody's taking that step to do the preparation of let me call up three of my 224 00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:59,047 friends or text them and say, Hey, can you hop on a zoom? I'm going to do a bullshit presentation 225 00:17:59,047 --> 00:18:05,267 for you. But it's really important for me. Yeah, I think just rehearsing or recording yourself, 226 00:18:05,267 --> 00:18:11,207 it's not it's not enough. I found in my experience, you have to actually feel some adrenaline. 227 00:18:12,447 --> 00:18:17,327 Because it's easy when you're, you can be your best self when you record yourself, right? 228 00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:17,827 That's great. 229 00:18:17,947 --> 00:18:22,947 But when you have eyeballs on you, it's a completely different story, right? 230 00:18:22,947 --> 00:18:30,787 Because we have this tendency to worry too much about what people think. 231 00:18:31,607 --> 00:18:35,727 And when we do that, we're worrying, i.e. it's creating anxiety. 232 00:18:36,527 --> 00:18:39,227 And when we're feeling anxious, we can't think clearly, right? 233 00:18:39,227 --> 00:18:44,567 And so really it's about being calm under pressure. 234 00:18:45,127 --> 00:18:53,487 And I have found that the way to be calm under increasing pressure is to feel the pressure, right? 235 00:18:53,587 --> 00:19:02,267 Sit in the anxiety, which is what exposure is, and realizing that there's nothing to fear, essentially. 236 00:19:03,627 --> 00:19:05,207 I say essentially a lot. 237 00:19:05,527 --> 00:19:06,547 I've got to stop saying essentially. 238 00:19:06,547 --> 00:19:07,287 That's okay. 239 00:19:07,287 --> 00:19:24,867 I feel as though, if I could jump in, I feel as though this is a good bridge for the True Progress Lab, where this is something that you're attempting to help people achieve, building resilience outside of the military, right? 240 00:19:24,907 --> 00:19:26,227 This is more for civilians. 241 00:19:27,087 --> 00:19:35,387 Can you talk about the mission of the True Progress Lab and then maybe some of the tools that you're providing to clients? 242 00:19:35,387 --> 00:19:45,007 Yeah, so the mission is get calm, get bold, and then get after it. 243 00:19:46,187 --> 00:19:52,707 And to get after it means to be able to seize opportunities 244 00:19:52,707 --> 00:20:03,047 and not let your ambition be quenched unconsciously or consciously by your emotions. 245 00:20:03,047 --> 00:20:13,327 And the way you do that, I found, is by learning how to remain calm in situations that stress you out. 246 00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:27,707 And once you learn how to remain calm and think clearly, then you can start to expand your capacity for risk-taking and boldness, courage, right? 247 00:20:27,707 --> 00:20:32,707 And then you can actually start getting after it. 248 00:20:33,047 --> 00:20:59,987 So in that order, right? And the way I do that is by putting people through an experiential journey where they undergo identity expanding experiences that help create proof of their capabilities, evidence. 249 00:20:59,987 --> 00:21:06,707 by going through experiences that stress them in an increasing level. 250 00:21:07,147 --> 00:21:08,847 So we have two avenues for that. 251 00:21:09,547 --> 00:21:15,327 We make them go through physical conditioning training and mental conditioning. 252 00:21:16,467 --> 00:21:22,327 Physical conditioning is about engaging in physical rigorous activity, 253 00:21:22,327 --> 00:21:25,647 whether it's running or rowing or strength training. 254 00:21:25,647 --> 00:21:36,067 because I found that using your body is a perfect vehicle for learning how to train your mind, 255 00:21:36,067 --> 00:21:43,427 i.e. learning how to manage counterproductive thoughts and emotions 256 00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:49,047 from getting in the way of doing what you know you need to do, 257 00:21:49,447 --> 00:21:50,907 even though you don't want to do them. 258 00:21:50,907 --> 00:21:59,547 because physical training helps to remove variables like other human beings 259 00:21:59,547 --> 00:22:04,607 where it's just you and your shoes and the road you have to run on 260 00:22:04,607 --> 00:22:09,267 and learning how to manage your emotions. 261 00:22:09,267 --> 00:22:15,087 And the way we help them do that too is by giving them techniques and protocols 262 00:22:15,087 --> 00:22:20,787 that are an aid for them to use. 263 00:22:20,907 --> 00:22:31,887 Ultimately, you want to decrease the number of tools you have in managing your thoughts and emotions because they can also become safety behaviors. 264 00:22:32,507 --> 00:22:37,107 You can over-rely on emotion regulation techniques. 265 00:22:38,647 --> 00:22:50,847 And in effect, you're trying to get rid of the anxiety when in reality you're supposed to sit in the anxiety and teach yourself that it's going to be okay. 266 00:22:50,907 --> 00:23:18,607 And then we have mental conditioning exercises, and that consists of getting creative in terms of mimicking the situations that trigger the anxiety for people, whether it's public speaking, whether it's difficult conversations, giving feedback, networking, being in the spotlight as a leader, leading meetings. 267 00:23:18,607 --> 00:23:26,607 And we get pretty creative with that, which is very effective as well, our intentional embarrassment training. 268 00:23:29,587 --> 00:23:36,047 And that sort of thing consists of putting yourself in potentially embarrassing situations. 269 00:23:36,787 --> 00:23:38,747 Do you have an example I need to know? 270 00:23:38,747 --> 00:23:49,727 Yeah, like going into a restaurant and asking the manager if you can take a look in their kitchen before you order something. 271 00:23:51,147 --> 00:24:00,807 Or going into Starbucks and making an announcement that you're an awkward and socially anxious person. 272 00:24:04,807 --> 00:24:06,807 Things like that. 273 00:24:06,807 --> 00:24:15,767 And what I found is that it's a highly effective form of exposure therapy, by the way, as well. 274 00:24:16,087 --> 00:24:17,547 They call it different things. 275 00:24:17,667 --> 00:24:23,567 I think they also call it same attack exercises. 276 00:24:24,747 --> 00:24:35,667 But essentially what you want, because if you think about it, what we fear often is it's the people looking at us and judging us. 277 00:24:35,667 --> 00:24:46,267 It's the fear of being negatively judged or evaluated because we have this innate desire of being liked. 278 00:24:47,427 --> 00:24:57,307 But we take that to an extreme where we modify our decisions, we modify our actions to a point where we do things to be liked. 279 00:24:57,967 --> 00:25:00,507 We don't want to be disliked. 280 00:25:00,507 --> 00:25:07,507 and we fear making mistakes in public 281 00:25:07,507 --> 00:25:10,787 because we fear retribution of, 282 00:25:11,027 --> 00:25:12,687 okay, they're going to judge me if I fail. 283 00:25:12,847 --> 00:25:15,627 So what happens is that we start people-pleasing. 284 00:25:15,627 --> 00:25:19,007 We start staying in our comfort zone. 285 00:25:19,767 --> 00:25:24,987 We only do things that confirms our competence 286 00:25:24,987 --> 00:25:32,067 and shy away from things that will be potentially risky for us 287 00:25:32,067 --> 00:25:34,467 where we might potentially fail, right? 288 00:25:35,327 --> 00:25:39,107 And that requires a mindset shift. 289 00:25:39,827 --> 00:25:43,927 You know, a lot of people I help, like myself, you know, 290 00:25:43,987 --> 00:25:47,067 I was a take myself too seriously. 291 00:25:47,787 --> 00:25:50,647 I'm a recovering take myself too seriously guy. 292 00:25:50,647 --> 00:26:05,667 And when you do that, you are trying to upkeep or maintain a persona or image vis-a-vis other people. 293 00:26:06,307 --> 00:26:08,207 And that can be very exhausting, right? 294 00:26:08,207 --> 00:26:14,527 Instead of focusing on learning, instead of focusing on being okay with making mistakes. 295 00:26:14,647 --> 00:26:16,967 Because to learn, you have to make mistakes, right? 296 00:26:16,967 --> 00:26:32,615 and laughing at yourself on the way down as you make mistakes being okay with looking silly and looking foolish I think you have to adopt that mindset instead of trying to maintain this persona 297 00:26:32,775 --> 00:26:34,235 Because it is exhausting, right? 298 00:26:34,235 --> 00:26:38,295 To maintain a persona, it's exhausting. 299 00:26:38,975 --> 00:26:46,495 I think that I'm finding myself, as you're saying this, definitely falling into the bucket of I either take myself too seriously. 300 00:26:46,495 --> 00:26:54,975 or it's the other side which is I'm a complete goofball and I don't care about anything or 301 00:26:54,975 --> 00:27:01,715 anyone's opinion and I don't always know what's triggering me to flip between the two there's of 302 00:27:01,715 --> 00:27:07,875 course going to be a middle ground I should be walking if I was to be one of your clients at 303 00:27:07,875 --> 00:27:12,875 True Progress Lab how would you work with me through that because I would like to also be 304 00:27:12,875 --> 00:27:19,255 a recovering person from taking myself too seriously. Yeah, you have to start with like 305 00:27:19,255 --> 00:27:25,955 low level challenges, you know, and, and understand and change your definition. By the way, just 306 00:27:25,955 --> 00:27:33,295 side note, do you know MBTI? No, the MBTI? No, it's a personality assessment. It's a personality 307 00:27:33,295 --> 00:27:39,895 assessment that tells you what your, your stress triggers are, and your natural inclinations in 308 00:27:39,895 --> 00:27:45,115 terms of how you think and communicate. But it's interesting when you said that there are times 309 00:27:45,115 --> 00:27:49,275 when you take yourself too seriously and times when you're a goofball, because I sort of identify 310 00:27:49,275 --> 00:27:53,635 myself like that as well. Like I'll be super serious to the point where people will think that 311 00:27:53,635 --> 00:28:03,155 I'm like just a standoffish, serious guy. Other times I'll be a complete goofball. And so that's 312 00:28:03,155 --> 00:28:08,955 interesting. You might be, you should look it up on, you know, after the episode, you might be an 313 00:28:08,955 --> 00:28:11,315 INTJ, because that's what I am. 314 00:28:11,995 --> 00:28:21,855 But anyway, yeah, so the first thing would be, you know, one of the first things is changing your definition of what failure means. 315 00:28:23,895 --> 00:28:24,455 Right? 316 00:28:24,595 --> 00:28:26,135 Getting really clear with that. 317 00:28:26,515 --> 00:28:28,915 Failure does not equal failure. 318 00:28:29,255 --> 00:28:30,895 Failure does not confirm your competence. 319 00:28:30,895 --> 00:28:33,915 Failure is just a data point, not a confirmation point. 320 00:28:33,915 --> 00:28:43,115 and starting with low-level discomfort challenges where you start to realize that okay I'm this is 321 00:28:43,115 --> 00:28:49,995 okay right like I'm winning I'm I'm succeeding in these challenges I'm putting myself out there 322 00:28:49,995 --> 00:28:55,695 and it's okay and then failing as well increasing the stress level where you're actually 323 00:28:55,695 --> 00:29:06,535 failing and then knowing what to tell yourself after you fail so reiterating the fact that this 324 00:29:06,535 --> 00:29:11,875 is going to be okay this is part of the process it's a lot of a lot of it is changing in the 325 00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:19,335 beginning i found people's definitions of what things mean it's it gets as basic as that because 326 00:29:19,335 --> 00:29:24,835 they come in often people you know they have they come with this persona and they have this 327 00:29:24,835 --> 00:29:29,235 definition like I have to succeed I have to succeed but they don't realize that no you don't 328 00:29:29,235 --> 00:29:34,895 have to succeed what you need to do is put in the reps and desensitize yourself to failure 329 00:29:34,895 --> 00:29:39,755 essentially right they need to understand that failure is part of the process and that failure 330 00:29:39,755 --> 00:29:44,915 is okay it means you're learning so and we do that just through reps putting in the reps 331 00:29:44,915 --> 00:29:51,835 I might go into a Starbucks and make some proclamation in the near future I'm not going 332 00:29:51,835 --> 00:29:57,555 to be bringing my wife though because it will embarrass her to death no it's a it's a i do it 333 00:29:57,555 --> 00:30:03,755 once uh i try to do like every i would say every two to three weeks i try to do something just 334 00:30:03,755 --> 00:30:13,335 completely humiliating um like last time i went into a target and you know i asked some people 335 00:30:13,335 --> 00:30:20,995 random people to hold my phone while i sing some some songs some some kid songs and the other time 336 00:30:20,995 --> 00:30:25,415 I asked some people to take pictures of me while I was modeling on the floor. 337 00:30:26,055 --> 00:30:26,915 Oh, my God. 338 00:30:26,935 --> 00:30:28,135 Like just in the aisles, you know. 339 00:30:28,295 --> 00:30:28,455 Yeah. 340 00:30:29,075 --> 00:30:31,835 And just things like that, you know. 341 00:30:31,995 --> 00:30:33,275 And you have like a memory. 342 00:30:33,395 --> 00:30:35,115 You can look at your phone and be like, oh, I did that. 343 00:30:35,915 --> 00:30:40,695 No, but on a serious note, it helps you loosen up, you know. 344 00:30:40,795 --> 00:30:43,595 It helps you loosen up and not take yourself too seriously. 345 00:30:43,715 --> 00:30:45,895 Like you're not this serious robot. 346 00:30:46,115 --> 00:30:47,275 You're a human being. 347 00:30:47,895 --> 00:30:49,995 You got to keep things playful. 348 00:30:49,995 --> 00:30:50,215 Yeah. 349 00:30:50,995 --> 00:30:52,975 You got to keep things playful. 350 00:30:53,995 --> 00:31:05,015 And it's a way to – when you do these challenges, I've found that you expand your perspective on what's possible, on what you can do. 351 00:31:05,315 --> 00:31:08,495 If you can do humility and things like that, you can probably do other things. 352 00:31:09,175 --> 00:31:14,675 And it keeps that playful mind so that you can be creative and think about things. 353 00:31:14,675 --> 00:31:18,295 because I feel like when you expand your self-perception, 354 00:31:18,735 --> 00:31:21,595 you expand your perception of what's possible, 355 00:31:22,335 --> 00:31:26,075 and therefore you're expanding your thinking, your creativity. 356 00:31:26,295 --> 00:31:28,555 You're thinking about things that you didn't think about before. 357 00:31:28,775 --> 00:31:32,295 So it's a creative exercise as well. 358 00:31:32,535 --> 00:31:33,815 Yeah. I want to loop this. 359 00:31:33,915 --> 00:31:34,415 Wouldn't you agree? 360 00:31:34,555 --> 00:31:35,875 I completely agree with you. 361 00:31:35,875 --> 00:31:40,415 And I can't help but notice this is, well, 362 00:31:40,735 --> 00:31:44,555 this humiliating performance and application 363 00:31:44,555 --> 00:31:53,235 this along with the strength training or the body training this feels like such a distinction that 364 00:31:53,235 --> 00:32:02,495 separates a true progress lab from other organizations when trying to reach a a level 365 00:32:02,495 --> 00:32:08,055 of self-development that your client is seeking there's not a lot of organizations who will focus 366 00:32:08,055 --> 00:32:14,035 on the physical part they might do you know if they were an officer a jag officer for example 367 00:32:14,035 --> 00:32:15,355 They might do mock trials, right? 368 00:32:15,715 --> 00:32:19,295 But the humiliating part, the physical part, these are big distinctions. 369 00:32:19,935 --> 00:32:26,855 Looking at the five ways that True Progress Lab functions, the Inner Fortress program, 370 00:32:27,295 --> 00:32:34,715 the Inner Fortress for Teams, Endurance OS, True Progress is a newsletter as well, and 371 00:32:34,715 --> 00:32:40,935 then Daily Tips and Insights, these five different things, when we look at them, is all of that 372 00:32:40,935 --> 00:32:41,635 included? 373 00:32:41,635 --> 00:32:47,455 at the physical, the mental preparation, the humiliation exercises, 374 00:32:47,455 --> 00:32:50,115 is that all inside of the Inner Fortress program? 375 00:32:50,755 --> 00:32:54,035 So the Inner Fortress program, great question. 376 00:32:54,155 --> 00:32:57,335 The Inner Fortress program is my flagship program. 377 00:32:57,475 --> 00:33:01,375 So that's the physical and the mental conditioning. 378 00:33:01,995 --> 00:33:08,215 The Enduro OS, that's more on productivity where I help attorneys get organized 379 00:33:08,215 --> 00:33:09,715 because as you may or may not know, 380 00:33:09,815 --> 00:33:12,775 attorneys are highly unorganized. 381 00:33:13,675 --> 00:33:15,335 But the Inner Fortress Program, 382 00:33:15,535 --> 00:33:18,195 the physical conditioning I found is super important 383 00:33:18,195 --> 00:33:24,175 because it's not just about being good at your job 384 00:33:24,175 --> 00:33:30,775 because often people identify themselves with their job. 385 00:33:31,215 --> 00:33:33,435 Their confidence comes mainly from their job. 386 00:33:34,515 --> 00:33:37,435 But if you really want to shine, 387 00:33:37,435 --> 00:33:45,775 in situations, in times of uncertainty where you don't have all of the control, you need 388 00:33:45,775 --> 00:33:53,155 to bring confidence from other areas of your life that are not just your job. You need 389 00:33:53,155 --> 00:34:02,355 to push yourself physically. You need to create proof that you're a badass, right? Like anybody 390 00:34:02,355 --> 00:34:10,695 who works out or pushes themselves physically, they create proof that they can do hard things, 391 00:34:10,915 --> 00:34:11,115 right? 392 00:34:11,255 --> 00:34:18,894 Not just be a good lawyer, a highly intelligent analytical lawyer or a successful doctor. 393 00:34:18,894 --> 00:34:28,015 I mean, people who are good at communicating, I think are good at communicating not because 394 00:34:28,015 --> 00:34:36,135 they use fancy tactical language but because they bring this there's this aura about them 395 00:34:36,135 --> 00:34:46,535 that is internal and that aura comes from having certain experiences that teaches them 396 00:34:46,535 --> 00:34:54,475 that they're able to do difficult things yeah which is why you i'm sure you're you're you work 397 00:34:54,475 --> 00:35:01,235 out as well right you don't work out to you know looking good is is a side benefit right but it 398 00:35:01,235 --> 00:35:07,595 you know i'm sure you can relate yeah in terms of the reasons why you you you push yourself yeah 399 00:35:07,595 --> 00:35:14,955 the more physically yeah the more strenuous my exercise is the calmer i also feel throughout the 400 00:35:14,955 --> 00:35:22,894 day it's it sets the tone almost and in my personal experience i actually injured my back at some 401 00:35:22,894 --> 00:35:29,555 point. I'm unsure when. And when I was in a lot of pain a number of years ago and was trying to 402 00:35:29,555 --> 00:35:36,255 figure out what the pain was coming from, it definitely took a hit. My confidence took a hit 403 00:35:36,255 --> 00:35:39,975 because I wasn't pushing myself. I wasn't working out. All of a sudden I couldn't lift 404 00:35:39,975 --> 00:35:45,715 above a certain weight and put it on my shoulders to squat it. Or, you know, I couldn't do certain 405 00:35:45,715 --> 00:35:51,575 workouts. Like I haven't done a crunch in six years just because that movement hurts me. 406 00:35:51,575 --> 00:35:55,675 a couple of days later as my body is healing, as my muscles are healing. 407 00:35:56,255 --> 00:36:02,275 So, you know, throughout time and learning how I can work my abs without actually doing 408 00:36:02,275 --> 00:36:06,595 a crunch laying on the ground, that then gives me the confidence to go, okay, well, I overcame 409 00:36:06,595 --> 00:36:06,894 that. 410 00:36:07,195 --> 00:36:08,394 I can overcome something else. 411 00:36:08,755 --> 00:36:10,075 And then, yeah, it's nice to look good. 412 00:36:11,155 --> 00:36:14,235 Always a nice perk to working out. 413 00:36:15,015 --> 00:36:15,655 Yeah, yeah. 414 00:36:15,735 --> 00:36:21,555 You definitely feel calmer, you know, because it's, I don't particularly like to work out. 415 00:36:21,575 --> 00:36:29,394 I don't know if you do, but going to the gym or working out, there are times when I don't want to do it. 416 00:36:29,775 --> 00:36:35,255 And I found that when I do it after the fact, you feel like you've really accomplished something. 417 00:36:35,255 --> 00:36:48,135 You overcame that internal dialogue where your thoughts were trying to get the best of you by telling you not to work out. 418 00:36:48,555 --> 00:36:49,975 And so that's a rep. 419 00:36:50,315 --> 00:36:50,394 Yeah. 420 00:36:51,575 --> 00:36:51,894 Yeah. 421 00:36:52,095 --> 00:36:52,715 That's a rep. 422 00:36:53,515 --> 00:36:58,835 And teaching yourself to do things you don't want to do, 423 00:36:59,155 --> 00:37:02,555 but you know you have to to get to your objective. 424 00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:04,915 The sigh that you just did. 425 00:37:05,035 --> 00:37:08,095 It feels as though you were thinking about a thing you didn't want to do in the past. 426 00:37:08,695 --> 00:37:09,135 Yeah. 427 00:37:09,135 --> 00:37:12,615 I mean, so I also practice judo. 428 00:37:12,755 --> 00:37:19,935 I'm an avid judo player, and I've been doing that for about five years. 429 00:37:19,935 --> 00:37:29,275 And I like it to do it, but there are times when I just don't want to do it because it's hard. 430 00:37:29,635 --> 00:37:35,115 But I found that every time I do it, I feel much better afterwards. 431 00:37:35,275 --> 00:37:37,055 Like I really accomplished something. 432 00:37:37,615 --> 00:37:42,955 Yeah, and I would encourage everybody to do something physically difficult, 433 00:37:43,115 --> 00:37:48,815 whether it's a marathon or an ultra marathon or a combat sport or martial art. 434 00:37:48,815 --> 00:37:52,995 I think the world would be a calmer place. 435 00:37:53,894 --> 00:37:57,015 We would all be kind of in a zen mode, 436 00:37:57,295 --> 00:38:02,275 just improving our relationships with one another. 437 00:38:03,235 --> 00:38:08,335 We have all this internal baggage inside of us as we're going along our day, 438 00:38:08,615 --> 00:38:13,275 and people don't have an outlet to release that. 439 00:38:14,874 --> 00:38:16,815 You get into road rage. 440 00:38:16,815 --> 00:38:25,475 You shut down, you go into your corner, or you're physically present, but you're not fully engaged. 441 00:38:27,735 --> 00:38:36,215 And when you exercise, I have found, you combat that. 442 00:38:36,455 --> 00:38:43,955 It helps in addressing those things so that you become calm and then you can actually be engaged. 443 00:38:43,955 --> 00:38:50,455 Yeah, there's a big difference between athletes and non-athletes. 444 00:38:50,815 --> 00:38:58,515 And that's not to say that non-athletes, those who aren't finding the time to push themselves physically, 445 00:38:58,695 --> 00:39:00,195 aren't also extremely resilient. 446 00:39:00,394 --> 00:39:05,335 They can find resilience in other ways, but it's a really simple way to move your body, 447 00:39:06,015 --> 00:39:12,455 to check off that first box of, okay, I did a workout, now what does the day have for me? 448 00:39:12,455 --> 00:39:13,715 Because I'd like to tackle it. 449 00:39:13,955 --> 00:39:16,874 I completely agree with that. 450 00:39:17,455 --> 00:39:22,695 For True Progress Lab, what does a client intake look like? 451 00:39:23,135 --> 00:39:27,874 Who is it that's reaching out to you most often and seeking your guidance, your expertise? 452 00:39:29,015 --> 00:39:42,382 It a combination of entrepreneurs attorneys managers leaders and different industries really who come with a problem and they think they have this problem 453 00:39:42,382 --> 00:39:47,022 regarding some sort of anxiety but they can't really pinpoint it. 454 00:39:48,162 --> 00:39:54,202 And we do an assessment and ask them some questions. 455 00:39:54,782 --> 00:39:58,322 And the more open they can be, the better for us, right? 456 00:39:58,322 --> 00:40:10,602 And the anxiety is really consuming because often people don't want to admit to having anxiety. 457 00:40:10,782 --> 00:40:12,202 They just know they have some anxiety. 458 00:40:13,342 --> 00:40:19,602 They're almost judging themselves thinking that they're weak for having anxiety when it's just a natural thing to feel. 459 00:40:20,882 --> 00:40:21,502 Exactly. 460 00:40:21,762 --> 00:40:22,142 Right. 461 00:40:22,282 --> 00:40:24,122 And they're almost ashamed to admit it. 462 00:40:24,122 --> 00:40:32,142 And, you know, one of the first things we do is like, okay, understanding emotions are a tool. 463 00:40:32,402 --> 00:40:35,762 They tell you things and you have to learn what it is. 464 00:40:35,882 --> 00:40:39,442 You have to recognize what it is, what it recognize and understand. 465 00:40:39,922 --> 00:40:44,062 And then be able to label the actual emotion. 466 00:40:44,242 --> 00:40:48,482 Is it fear? Is it anxiety? Is it frustration? 467 00:40:50,382 --> 00:40:52,962 Being able to express your emotions. 468 00:40:54,122 --> 00:41:03,642 Mark Brackett, director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, has this really effective framework for thinking about your emotions. 469 00:41:04,642 --> 00:41:07,062 And he calls it RULER, the RULER approach. 470 00:41:07,362 --> 00:41:12,382 It stands for Recognize, Understand, Label, Express, Regulate. 471 00:41:13,622 --> 00:41:18,782 You need to recognize that you are having a certain mood. 472 00:41:19,682 --> 00:41:22,042 Is your mood up or is your mood down? 473 00:41:22,042 --> 00:41:29,562 is your energy up or is your energy down and then start to ask yourself questions to to better 474 00:41:29,562 --> 00:41:35,782 understand your mood and then being able to label the emotion that you're feeling just by labeling 475 00:41:35,782 --> 00:41:43,302 the emotion and getting specific you know as to it because it's not just sad or happy right there 476 00:41:43,302 --> 00:41:49,002 are many many many emotions so being able to label the exact emotion that you're feeling helps to 477 00:41:49,002 --> 00:41:53,002 create distance between yourself and the emotion. So that's already, you're already regulating 478 00:41:53,002 --> 00:41:59,822 the emotion by creating distance, right? And then being able to express that emotion, 479 00:42:00,302 --> 00:42:05,642 those thoughts, either via journaling or with somebody else where you can talk to somebody 480 00:42:05,642 --> 00:42:10,882 else that you trust. And then finally regulating that emotion. And we have different techniques 481 00:42:10,882 --> 00:42:16,942 for that, different protocols, breathing techniques, paradigm shifting techniques, etc. 482 00:42:16,942 --> 00:42:36,642 But yeah, to answer your question, it's about getting comfortable with opening up and explaining exactly what it is that people are coming with anxiety about and understanding that it's okay to feel anxiety. 483 00:42:36,922 --> 00:42:38,202 It's part of the process. 484 00:42:38,462 --> 00:42:39,482 Some anxiety is good. 485 00:42:39,662 --> 00:42:43,342 You can't eliminate or seek to eliminate anxiety. 486 00:42:43,342 --> 00:42:47,422 you have to feel some anxiety because anxiety helps you perform, helps you shine. 487 00:42:48,082 --> 00:42:54,322 Yeah. The distance that you're creating in that framework from the emotion itself, 488 00:42:54,322 --> 00:43:00,382 it's making me think about a therapy modality called internal family systems. Have you ever 489 00:43:00,382 --> 00:43:05,982 heard of it? Yes, I've heard of it. Tell me about it. Yeah. So internal family systems, 490 00:43:05,982 --> 00:43:13,922 I'm forgetting the psychologist or therapist who created it. It's about recognizing internally that 491 00:43:13,922 --> 00:43:19,582 there are different parts of you that feel different things. So the very common convention 492 00:43:19,582 --> 00:43:26,682 that we use is, oh, part of me wants to do work, a part of me doesn't, a part of me in the morning 493 00:43:26,682 --> 00:43:30,382 wants to work out, but there's another part that, you know, definitely doesn't want to work out, 494 00:43:30,462 --> 00:43:33,942 doesn't want to put on the shoes, go to the gym, whatever it is, step outside and go for the jog. 495 00:43:33,942 --> 00:43:42,702 and by recognizing, hey, you don't have to be a psychotic person to feel like there are different 496 00:43:42,702 --> 00:43:49,182 parts of you, right? This isn't, you know, split personality disorder. This is just, hey, there's 497 00:43:49,182 --> 00:43:55,302 a section of my being that is not 100% in the action and maybe that's because I'm tired. Maybe 498 00:43:55,302 --> 00:43:59,262 that's because, you know, one of them, one of those parts is stepping forward and wants to 499 00:43:59,262 --> 00:44:06,002 manage the situation because I'm feeling anxious. So I'm definitely not an expert at all at IFS. 500 00:44:06,182 --> 00:44:12,142 It's just a great way to create distance when you talk about there's a part of me that is feeling 501 00:44:12,142 --> 00:44:18,402 really upset that this client didn't just say yes to my proposal. They're pushing back. And now I 502 00:44:18,402 --> 00:44:24,302 have to deal with that upsetness and sadness and perhaps anxiety of what am I going to do now? How 503 00:44:24,302 --> 00:44:31,262 am I going to respond? So you're using this without even, you know, applying the framework 504 00:44:31,262 --> 00:44:36,042 just because you are creating that distance to then feel it and talk about it and move through 505 00:44:36,042 --> 00:44:42,022 the emotion. That's interesting. Yeah. And that makes a lot of sense because I mean, sometimes 506 00:44:42,022 --> 00:44:47,462 you, you're feeling confident about a situation. Other times you're feeling like you just want to 507 00:44:47,462 --> 00:44:54,122 cozy up you know there we're a complex being you know there are different parts to us that 508 00:44:54,122 --> 00:45:01,882 act in different ways depending on the on the situation and so yeah i understand that that 509 00:45:01,882 --> 00:45:09,022 makes a lot of sense ifs right internal family systems yeah the uh the goofy by the way the 510 00:45:09,022 --> 00:45:15,582 goofy part of me is i refer to it again i i don't have split personalities but i refer to it as little 511 00:45:15,582 --> 00:45:21,722 Kyle. It's this young version of me where he's like five, six years old. And when he gets into 512 00:45:21,722 --> 00:45:28,062 arguments or when rather I get into arguments with disagreements with my wife, he comes forward 513 00:45:28,062 --> 00:45:33,162 and he likes to smile. And I can't help sometimes, but smile when I'm having a conflict because I'm 514 00:45:33,162 --> 00:45:37,562 like, okay, this is a way for me to manage my anxiety. I don't want to feel upset. Let's just 515 00:45:37,562 --> 00:45:44,482 smile through it. Everything's fine. And for me, I have a great visualization of it. Other people 516 00:45:44,482 --> 00:45:50,722 more hear voices or just understand that like there's a presence when you get really deep into 517 00:45:50,722 --> 00:45:56,302 IFS. But for me, I can picture them. I can't really hear them. And it's fun to play with that 518 00:45:56,302 --> 00:46:01,082 because that's 100% the goofy side of me. That's like, hey, let's just play. Let's just fool around. 519 00:46:01,182 --> 00:46:06,882 We don't need to be serious. That's interesting. I think that provides a lot of clarity too as to why 520 00:46:06,882 --> 00:46:14,362 you do what you do, right? Like you just said the smiling that comes from when you're five 521 00:46:14,362 --> 00:46:15,902 or six and 522 00:46:15,902 --> 00:46:17,322 yeah I think 523 00:46:17,322 --> 00:46:19,902 there's so much power 524 00:46:19,902 --> 00:46:22,442 in just having awareness because 525 00:46:22,442 --> 00:46:24,442 you can't tame 526 00:46:24,442 --> 00:46:26,302 the monster if you 527 00:46:26,302 --> 00:46:28,242 don't shine a light on it right you have 528 00:46:28,242 --> 00:46:30,522 to be able to see that there's 529 00:46:30,522 --> 00:46:32,602 you tame it 530 00:46:32,602 --> 00:46:34,302 by shining a light on it right and that 531 00:46:34,302 --> 00:46:36,022 essentially means that you need 532 00:46:36,022 --> 00:46:38,382 to get clarity on 533 00:46:38,382 --> 00:46:40,522 a lot of things in the beginning 534 00:46:40,522 --> 00:46:41,202 to 535 00:46:41,202 --> 00:46:43,282 carve the 536 00:46:43,282 --> 00:46:47,962 the path forward. Yeah. If, if I could ask you a selfish question, 537 00:46:48,302 --> 00:46:54,482 what sort of tools are you using from your professional world with your kids? 538 00:46:55,922 --> 00:47:04,982 With my kids in terms of how to help them build resilience. Yeah. So I have a, uh, a boy who's 539 00:47:04,982 --> 00:47:11,502 going to be six, uh, this month and then my two year old, right? So my two year old, uh, I think 540 00:47:11,502 --> 00:47:19,802 she's still a little too young, but my six-year-old, you know, I'm already inculcating the importance 541 00:47:19,802 --> 00:47:27,622 of physical exercise, you know, he does engage in physical exercise, and then the most important 542 00:47:27,622 --> 00:47:35,742 thing, I think, or one of the most important things is inculcating a growth mindset, right, 543 00:47:35,742 --> 00:47:39,042 that if you want to get to a certain objective, 544 00:47:39,762 --> 00:47:42,942 you need to put in effort, right? 545 00:47:43,222 --> 00:47:44,182 You need to get feedback. 546 00:47:44,442 --> 00:47:45,782 You need to get the right resources. 547 00:47:46,542 --> 00:47:49,282 You need to practice and put in the reps. 548 00:47:49,942 --> 00:47:52,182 And over time, he starts to learn that, 549 00:47:52,302 --> 00:47:53,042 okay, I'm getting better. 550 00:47:53,302 --> 00:47:54,922 You know, like when he first started doing push-ups, 551 00:47:54,962 --> 00:47:56,282 for example, he could only do three. 552 00:47:56,382 --> 00:47:57,942 Now he could do like eight to 10. 553 00:47:57,942 --> 00:48:03,262 And he's building that self-confidence already. 554 00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:04,542 And you could see it in his eyes 555 00:48:04,542 --> 00:48:07,662 that he's starting to feel this self-pride, you know. 556 00:48:08,322 --> 00:48:15,702 And also teaching him or making him aware that it's not about me, you know. 557 00:48:15,802 --> 00:48:21,682 It's not, I'm not, I don't want him to work out to please me. 558 00:48:21,762 --> 00:48:22,902 It's not about pleasing me. 559 00:48:23,042 --> 00:48:24,342 It's not about pleasing his mom. 560 00:48:24,462 --> 00:48:25,962 It's not about pleasing his little sister. 561 00:48:26,182 --> 00:48:30,962 It's about pleasing himself so that he can feel the pride, right. 562 00:48:30,962 --> 00:48:38,902 and that's that's really important because if i don't do that what i don't want to condition in 563 00:48:38,902 --> 00:48:45,442 him is that he has to do that to please me right or that my love is conditional yeah that if he does 564 00:48:45,442 --> 00:48:49,402 that i'm going to love him no it has nothing to do with me it has nothing to do with my love 565 00:48:49,402 --> 00:48:56,062 to him it has everything to do with him and building himself and um and building that 566 00:48:56,062 --> 00:49:03,382 self-esteem and self-trust that he can you know start doing difficult things and um yeah building 567 00:49:03,382 --> 00:49:09,782 that uh that self-belief super important yeah are there any parallels and it's okay if the answer is 568 00:49:09,782 --> 00:49:15,602 no are there any parallels that you have discovered between raising your son and daughter although 569 00:49:15,602 --> 00:49:21,262 you're you're mentioning that she's a little young raising them and then working with your clients 570 00:49:21,262 --> 00:49:42,642 Any parallels? Yeah, when I see my son in his face and he completes, you know, like he, I have a routine for him, which is calisthenics. It's like 11 different exercises. And he started with just completing one set of each exercise. Now he's, he's up to like four sets. He can do four sets. 571 00:49:42,642 --> 00:49:46,022 and seeing just as simple as that, you know. 572 00:49:46,222 --> 00:49:51,522 It's the face that he has in terms of building that self-belief and that pride. 573 00:49:51,962 --> 00:49:54,022 It's the same thing with adults, you know. 574 00:49:54,442 --> 00:49:56,442 And it's very simple. 575 00:49:56,682 --> 00:50:01,362 It's about engaging in certain training exercises, 576 00:50:01,362 --> 00:50:05,062 whether it's physical or the mental condition that we were just talking about, 577 00:50:05,202 --> 00:50:07,202 like the intentional embarrassment exercises. 578 00:50:07,602 --> 00:50:12,002 It's about putting in the reps and creating evidence, 579 00:50:12,002 --> 00:50:24,142 It's creating proof so that you have those evidence-based thoughts when it's time to have your power statements and self-talk, 580 00:50:24,242 --> 00:50:29,862 that you actually have productive conversations with yourself and infuse the right thoughts, 581 00:50:29,862 --> 00:50:34,402 not just basis thoughts but evidence-based thoughts, that you can do these things, right? 582 00:50:34,862 --> 00:50:41,902 And in that respect, the parallel is that it's just about the repetition, whether you're a child or whether you're an adult. 583 00:50:42,002 --> 00:50:45,082 and creating that self-belief and that self-trust and that, 584 00:50:45,182 --> 00:50:46,822 that proving that evidence that you can, 585 00:50:47,642 --> 00:50:48,402 that it's going to be okay, 586 00:50:48,502 --> 00:50:49,442 that you're going to get better. 587 00:50:49,862 --> 00:50:49,962 Yeah. 588 00:50:50,102 --> 00:50:54,842 If somebody wanted to reach out to true progress lab, 589 00:50:55,342 --> 00:50:57,442 where is the best place for them to go? 590 00:50:57,902 --> 00:51:03,742 So you can look for me at www.trueprogresslab.com. 591 00:51:03,742 --> 00:51:11,402 And I'm on most of the social media platforms and I'm at, 592 00:51:11,402 --> 00:51:13,922 True Progress Lab. 593 00:51:14,822 --> 00:51:17,762 Okay. And if you could leave the audience with one question 594 00:51:17,762 --> 00:51:21,242 that they can ask themselves to help them level up, what would it be? 595 00:51:22,302 --> 00:51:25,882 Think about how you 596 00:51:25,882 --> 00:51:28,782 are behaving vis-a-vis 597 00:51:28,782 --> 00:51:32,622 your job titles 598 00:51:32,622 --> 00:51:35,502 and what you do on a regular basis. 599 00:51:36,062 --> 00:51:39,782 Are you playing in the safe zone? 600 00:51:39,782 --> 00:51:42,282 Are you working in your comfort zone? 601 00:51:42,862 --> 00:51:50,782 Or maybe you can start thinking about ways to get outside your comfort zone and play a little bit 602 00:51:50,782 --> 00:51:57,802 so that you can start feeling this feeling of invigoration, this feeling of aliveness. 603 00:51:58,462 --> 00:52:04,442 Because if you want to feel that way, it comes from stepping outside your comfort zone. 604 00:52:04,742 --> 00:52:05,962 Awesome. Thank you, Carlos. 605 00:52:06,222 --> 00:52:07,602 Thank you, Kyle. Pleasure. 606 00:52:09,782 --> 00:52:14,582 Thank you for listening to How You Level Up. 607 00:52:15,042 --> 00:52:18,362 If you're enjoying the show, subscribe and give a five-star rating. 608 00:52:19,022 --> 00:52:23,942 There are new episodes each month asking questions about timeless communication lessons. 609 00:52:24,682 --> 00:52:31,782 Language is a medium for sharing, and the knowledge unpacked here can be applied to anyone, anywhere, facing any challenge. 610 00:52:32,282 --> 00:52:38,522 If there's a question or topic you'd like me to dive into next, send a note to any of my connected social media accounts. 611 00:52:38,522 --> 00:52:41,422 This is all about how you level up.