1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:07,120 Welcome home. This is the Love Down Babylon podcast, and my name is Tim. 2 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:14,320 And I'm going to do this, and I'm going to go all in. 3 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:23,440 And I'm going to do this raw and messy, and I don't care. 4 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:31,360 because a vulnerability is a huge part of this for me. 5 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:37,140 And those fears, they need to lie down and die. 6 00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:40,880 I need to put those fears to rest for myself. 7 00:00:43,020 --> 00:00:46,380 So I don't care if nobody watches this 8 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,640 or if one person watches this 9 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:53,960 or a billion people watch this 10 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,180 somewhere in there 11 00:00:56,180 --> 00:00:58,300 there's a spike in my heart rate 12 00:00:58,300 --> 00:00:59,800 that's going to jump up real high 13 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,340 you know it could start with one 14 00:01:02,340 --> 00:01:04,100 depending on who it is 15 00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,500 maybe I don't know anyway 16 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:09,220 trying to keep a sense of humor 17 00:01:09,220 --> 00:01:11,860 because I do have a sense of humor actually 18 00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:14,180 it's been something that like I will never try 19 00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:15,720 I'll try to never let go of that 20 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:18,040 I won't because 21 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:22,240 you need one 22 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:23,760 I need one anyway 23 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,280 I'm grateful that I have one 24 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:26,900 I'll say that much 25 00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:31,680 she gets some water together huh 26 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:34,140 who knows how long I'm gonna talk 27 00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:35,140 I can go on and on 28 00:01:35,140 --> 00:01:38,960 so I've been wanting to start this podcast 29 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,700 and I've been 30 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,300 very 31 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:44,820 slowly putting things together 32 00:01:44,820 --> 00:01:47,520 changing in my mind how I want to do parts of it 33 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:54,720 Most of it is I just want to put things that I've learned that have helped me out there for other people. 34 00:01:55,260 --> 00:01:57,780 So there's an altruistic sort of part of this. 35 00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:00,420 But it's more than that. 36 00:02:04,740 --> 00:02:13,940 It's, you know, I started recording myself after I had started journaling. 37 00:02:13,940 --> 00:02:23,240 and I had most of my life contemplated journaling and wanting to start and like I don't know what 38 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:28,060 it is with me but something about me couldn't be vulnerable enough to put it down on paper 39 00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:35,420 very easily there was a time in my 20s when I was going through quite a tumultuous time in my life 40 00:02:35,420 --> 00:02:42,640 emotionally in so many ways and I had a notebook that I carried around it was a little red spiral 41 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:48,460 binder. And I would take it with me everywhere and keep it close to my chest because I was, 42 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:56,680 I was writing letters I was not intending to send as a way to express myself out, you know, 43 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,200 because I can read back what I wrote and see it. But anyway, there was, um, 44 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:07,140 it was deeply personal 45 00:03:07,140 --> 00:03:09,880 and some of it maybe even embarrassing 46 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,040 and you know 47 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,760 one of my housemates 48 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:20,220 and I think I was working with this 49 00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:24,300 I don't remember the circumstances but yeah somebody that I knew that either was 50 00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:28,180 or became a housemate took that thing and read it 51 00:03:28,180 --> 00:03:33,860 and that didn't make it easier for me to process my feelings on paper. 52 00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:41,020 And so for a long time, I dilly-dally about whether I'm going to make a journal or not 53 00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:46,840 because I've been told and come to understand how powerful a tool that can be. 54 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,020 And there's all kinds of different kinds of journals and ways you can do this stuff. 55 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:55,920 But it's a powerful tool for self-reflection, 56 00:03:55,920 --> 00:04:04,520 especially I noticed since I started journaling I haven't been consistent with it but um but when 57 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:12,100 I first started actually journaling I wrote quite a lot I uh I could go back and look at things I 58 00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:18,220 had written a month or two before as I'm still going through the throes of processing like what's 59 00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:25,740 going on in my life and with myself and all of that and see things differently about you know 60 00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:31,620 see where oh you know it's like I've evolved past this understanding or it's 61 00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:37,200 it is such a powerful tool it really is and when it comes to journaling I've 62 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:42,720 learned or at least I've come to this understanding that there's a lot of 63 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:48,620 reasons why you want to do it by hand rather than just type it out not that 64 00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:55,420 you can't get benefit from typing it out okay when you do it by hand certain 65 00:04:55,420 --> 00:05:02,580 things happen because you're you have emotions inside you that you're trying to figure out is 66 00:05:02,580 --> 00:05:20,360 usually where like you know you everything that that what going on with you you know is trying to find equilibrium in your emotional state and even understanding yourself in that way And so it hard to see yourself especially like because the parts of yourself that hurt want to hide from yourself 67 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:24,540 And they know how to hide from you because those parts know all of you. 68 00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:28,1000 And, you know, they know your weaknesses, your blind spots. 69 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,320 They create them. 70 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,280 When you write something down, you slow down a process. 71 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:36,400 And this is important. 72 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:44,800 And I believe there's even been studies on how your brain is affected by doing things like handwriting, or if you print, however you do it. 73 00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:49,160 Because what you're doing is you're slowing your thinking brain down. 74 00:05:49,780 --> 00:06:01,220 You're forcing it to slow down so that you can, some of that energy and attention is going into moving the musculature of your hand and writing out the letters. 75 00:06:01,1000 --> 00:06:04,460 And there's a few different ways you can journal. 76 00:06:04,460 --> 00:06:07,320 You can try to just let the words come out. 77 00:06:08,340 --> 00:06:11,860 I haven't done that with a lot of intention, 78 00:06:11,1000 --> 00:06:13,780 but I have noticed that when I start writing stuff, 79 00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:15,040 it just does flow out. 80 00:06:16,1000 --> 00:06:17,700 That's good. 81 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,900 That's really good because you're not overthinking. 82 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,920 You're just releasing, and you can come back later and read it 83 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,940 and figure out why it came out. 84 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,800 But when you slow yourself down, you slow that mental process down 85 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,140 because I can type pretty fast when I get going. 86 00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:36,180 I've been typing since I was 12 and I'm 56 now, okay? 87 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,260 And I've been consistent with it. 88 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,200 So I'm not the fastest typist in the world, 89 00:06:40,340 --> 00:06:42,960 but people have a hard time keeping up 90 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,880 if I'm chatting with them in a conversation. 91 00:06:44,1000 --> 00:06:47,800 And that's not on purpose, but I'm also wordy as hell. 92 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:50,360 You'll get to know me because 93 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:55,300 in order to overcome some of my own vulnerability 94 00:06:55,300 --> 00:07:00,900 about being seen, which goes back to before I can remember, 95 00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:07,140 these things that affect us when we're young and in our experiences growing up 96 00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:12,560 like I was in my 20s when this woman read my journal and like 97 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,420 anyway 98 00:07:15,420 --> 00:07:25,200 it was a violation because I'm working through my emotions about all these different people and 99 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:30,620 this other person it wasn't in your fucking business she made it her business and 100 00:07:30,620 --> 00:07:41,120 And vulnerability becomes hard when many times through your life you try to be vulnerable in any way. 101 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,340 You suffer for it. 102 00:07:46,980 --> 00:07:50,440 So your brain has to slow down. 103 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,320 You're moving your hand. 104 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,560 It takes you longer to get the words out. 105 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:05,420 And so when they come out, when you slow that pace down, you connect more with what's really going on. 106 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:22,040 You let the emotional energy that's driving your thoughts percolate slower and have time to ease through your brain so it's not as scrambled or immediately deflected. 107 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:26,220 I believe there's benefit to the process 108 00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:27,700 if you're going to journal 109 00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:30,620 to write it out and take your time 110 00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:32,820 and understand that the process 111 00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:34,1000 of doing it that way 112 00:08:34,1000 --> 00:08:37,380 has its own special benefit 113 00:08:37,380 --> 00:08:39,520 you don't want to have time in your life 114 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,440 you know, you want to whip it out 115 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,360 write it in chicken scratch as fast as you can 116 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:44,1000 I'm not telling you what to do 117 00:08:44,1000 --> 00:08:47,440 I'm just relating some observations 118 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,520 and some thoughts around these things 119 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,920 as I've experienced them in my own 120 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:59,040 life. You know, I remember when I was young, I liked to doodle in the margins of my papers and 121 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:04,100 stuff. And I got in a lot of trouble for that. And I would spend more time wanting to create things 122 00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:11,220 than focus on the thing I was supposed to do. You know, many different reasons, probably because I 123 00:09:11,220 --> 00:09:16,580 had undiagnosed ADHD didn't help either when it came to focus and, and all of that kind of stuff. 124 00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:22,220 whatever I'm learning more about that that's fine my point is I used to 125 00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:29,080 scribble out everything because you know and and then even when I would like 126 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:33,920 sometimes when I doodle and stuff I'd write things too just like a Fraser is 127 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:38,540 saying even for whatever reason when I was doodling one of my doodles would be 128 00:09:38,540 --> 00:09:43,340 to write buenos adios you know in cursive and it got prettier and prettier 129 00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:49,040 you know but I mean I'd scribble these things out you know and I eventually kind of started to drop 130 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:53,940 that habit and I don't do that anymore but it's something I can look back on my life and be like 131 00:09:53,940 --> 00:09:59,420 you know there's something to that for me about why even something that didn't matter or nobody 132 00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:04,220 was going to see I'd still want to scribble it out so there's something in me that I'm working 133 00:10:04,220 --> 00:10:14,740 through here and releasing these podcast episodes is self-inflicted head-on collision therapy 134 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:33,299 and I here for it even though I scaring the shit out of myself doing it and it okay because I don really think I have to be scared but it not a cognitive thing you don think yourself through these things it 135 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:39,139 your emotions you have to feel yourself through them so if anything else 136 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:49,979 these episodes are an exercise in teaching myself even more teaching my subconscious and my body 137 00:10:49,999 --> 00:10:56,419 which is my subconscious which is part of my brain which is you know everything it's a holistic 138 00:10:56,419 --> 00:11:02,859 thing that we are okay you there are pieces and parts and they work together but they don't just 139 00:11:02,859 --> 00:11:10,399 work together they operate as a whole all these systems and pieces you can dissect them down you 140 00:11:10,399 --> 00:11:15,919 know what's your fusiform gyrus or your reticular activating system or what do you mean by the limbic 141 00:11:15,919 --> 00:11:22,399 brain you know what does your mood do and does it have anything to do with emotions in you or not 142 00:11:22,399 --> 00:11:29,239 you know what are all of these little what's your prefrontal cortex and your neocortex and 143 00:11:29,239 --> 00:11:35,359 what parts of the brain are older or newer now this is just a bunch of gobbledygook but 144 00:11:35,359 --> 00:11:42,699 it tells you something about where different things in your cognitive experience live in 145 00:11:42,699 --> 00:11:50,719 the physical part of your body. Your emotions are something that are much older than your thoughts 146 00:11:50,719 --> 00:11:55,699 as far as your brain structures and things are concerned, at least in my understanding of it. 147 00:11:55,779 --> 00:12:01,459 I'm not a brain scientist. I'm a very highly extremely curious individual about the things 148 00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:05,559 that I get highly extremely curious about, and so I go curious out on them sometimes. 149 00:12:06,179 --> 00:12:10,879 Or I just stay open to, oh, that's a new piece of information that fits that thing I'm curious about. 150 00:12:10,879 --> 00:12:18,479 Okay. I'm a collector of little pieces of random bits of knowledge, vocalized, localized, magnetized to the things I care about. 151 00:12:18,619 --> 00:12:27,039 Okay. For whatever reason, I've called myself a font of trivial knowledge before, but it's not all that trivial to me. 152 00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:35,179 All of it. There's reasons that I remember the things that I do. I'm trying to look at the little dot for the camera because I do know, 153 00:12:35,179 --> 00:12:39,699 And there's no way to separate that there's going to be the potential for somebody to watch. 154 00:12:40,539 --> 00:12:48,099 And I'm putting it out there hoping people will watch for different reasons maybe, but like trying not to stay attached to that. 155 00:12:50,779 --> 00:12:54,819 My original plan was to release a first episode called Trust Fall. 156 00:12:55,599 --> 00:12:57,179 Actually, that wasn't my original plan. 157 00:12:57,179 --> 00:13:08,219 My original plan was Presto Manifesto, which is a, I don't know, episode names. 158 00:13:08,319 --> 00:13:09,719 We'll see what happens as that goes. 159 00:13:10,259 --> 00:13:16,799 So the one thing that you should understand is that I'm not offering you any structure or anything here. 160 00:13:18,419 --> 00:13:26,579 I'm not, you want to see, like, I'm in the process of cleaning up this part of my tornado of a mess of, you know, so it's not so bad up here. 161 00:13:26,579 --> 00:13:32,239 but like I'm constantly working on trying to for the past few days I've been trying to clean out 162 00:13:32,239 --> 00:13:37,419 the RV so that I can do a complete dust out of it and I'm gonna feel so good about that I'm getting 163 00:13:37,419 --> 00:13:42,579 there but I'm not hating on myself for how long it does or doesn't take because that creates a 164 00:13:42,579 --> 00:13:50,619 problem for me and ever getting it done so I'm easing on down this road and it's okay uh there's 165 00:13:50,619 --> 00:13:58,359 my beautiful dogs. This one here is Gina. Gina Beena Bobina. My Bean Bean. Beaner Neener. She's 166 00:13:58,359 --> 00:14:03,979 got lots of nicknames. Bean Bean Bean. Gina Bean Dog. Bean Bean Bean. Beena Jean. Oh, Bean Bean. 167 00:14:04,399 --> 00:14:10,079 I used to sing to her like that. This is my Mr. Milo down here. He's such an amazing little animal. 168 00:14:10,819 --> 00:14:16,739 Yeah, he's a boy dog. That's why I call him a he, I guess. And he's a mix. She's obviously a 169 00:14:16,739 --> 00:14:25,499 rottweiler and he has blue heeler and husky and i think australian cattle not australian cattle 170 00:14:25,499 --> 00:14:28,999 dog that's what blue healers are maybe australian shepherd or some kind of shepherd i don't know 171 00:14:28,999 --> 00:14:36,319 i can't remember that one and then his mama was a rottweiler not this rottweiler anyway i'm just 172 00:14:36,319 --> 00:14:43,219 doing introductions here a little bit i recorded stuff and i transitioned from handwritten journals 173 00:14:43,219 --> 00:14:56,879 which I was doing very heavily for a period last summer, and moved into experimenting with recording myself, just in order to witness myself. 174 00:14:56,959 --> 00:15:01,419 It was kind of a video journal thing, and it was kind of like I was talking to somebody. 175 00:15:01,959 --> 00:15:10,959 But the intention, when I first got the idea to do this, was that I wanted to get things out. 176 00:15:10,959 --> 00:15:19,219 It was an outlet, but it was a way to kind of journal with live stream of my thought, just flowing it out as it comes out. 177 00:15:19,579 --> 00:15:22,099 And then I could go back and look at myself. 178 00:15:22,259 --> 00:15:44,159 And it is if you somebody who been somewhat camera shy your whole life you know it very interesting not to you know looking at a static picture of myself or a photograph is one thing but to watch myself animated and talking and going on with stories it very interesting and enlightening to watch 179 00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:52,039 myself go off on a tangent and forget to come back even. Watch myself fumble as I get self-conscious 180 00:15:52,039 --> 00:15:55,959 about I'm trying to show something. I was doing some finger tapping in a journal thing 181 00:15:55,959 --> 00:15:57,579 and it all fell apart. 182 00:15:58,059 --> 00:16:00,419 It's okay, because it's not important. 183 00:16:02,179 --> 00:16:04,879 And that's a lesson for me that I'm trying to embrace 184 00:16:04,879 --> 00:16:05,919 is it's not important. 185 00:16:06,119 --> 00:16:06,779 It isn't. 186 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:07,959 It isn't. 187 00:16:10,339 --> 00:16:12,459 And I am doing these videos 188 00:16:12,459 --> 00:16:15,639 not just as a form of self-therapy, 189 00:16:15,639 --> 00:16:18,759 but I have a lot inside of me 190 00:16:18,759 --> 00:16:21,519 that would love to express itself out there to the world 191 00:16:21,519 --> 00:16:23,359 that I want to give. 192 00:16:24,439 --> 00:16:25,199 I do. 193 00:16:25,959 --> 00:16:32,039 want to give those things of myself that I believe were beneficial to me 194 00:16:32,039 --> 00:16:37,179 or meant something to me because they might mean something to somebody else, 195 00:16:37,599 --> 00:16:39,299 might benefit somebody else. 196 00:16:39,879 --> 00:16:45,039 There's so many things that I've come to understand and learn on my journey 197 00:16:45,039 --> 00:16:49,619 here in earth school, as I like to call it. 198 00:16:49,639 --> 00:16:54,539 I really love that name for this existence because it is kind of that way. 199 00:16:54,539 --> 00:16:55,959 I'm starting to see that. 200 00:16:57,839 --> 00:17:00,879 That is how I see it more and more all the time. 201 00:17:00,959 --> 00:17:03,359 It's like there's so much to learn from all my experiences, 202 00:17:03,959 --> 00:17:08,059 especially when I bother to get curious about it. 203 00:17:08,259 --> 00:17:12,219 And that's where my curiosity has been directing me inward. 204 00:17:12,959 --> 00:17:15,579 And it's been illuminating for me. 205 00:17:16,999 --> 00:17:19,199 There's so many things I wish I understood, 206 00:17:19,599 --> 00:17:22,379 but there's a part of me that's starting to understand. 207 00:17:22,379 --> 00:17:32,939 And it's like, you know, maybe being in the dark about pieces of myself for so long served me in ways I didn't understand. 208 00:17:33,799 --> 00:17:42,679 Even, you know, we'll talk about how we'll talk about the lemons and the lemonade and all that stuff along the way. 209 00:17:44,879 --> 00:17:48,319 Because I've been paying attention. 210 00:17:48,319 --> 00:17:56,399 I've been paying more attention to life than I've realized for such a very long time. 211 00:17:57,519 --> 00:18:03,899 And I've been subconsciously aware of things about how life operates and moves and works 212 00:18:03,899 --> 00:18:13,959 and people that a part of me has known, but my conscious mind is like, didn't want to trust. 213 00:18:15,539 --> 00:18:17,279 I've learned to trust myself. 214 00:18:18,319 --> 00:18:20,639 I've learned to appreciate myself. 215 00:18:21,279 --> 00:18:22,699 I've learned to love myself. 216 00:18:23,299 --> 00:18:25,299 I am not a perfect person. 217 00:18:25,859 --> 00:18:28,079 I haven't got everything right in the past. 218 00:18:29,279 --> 00:18:30,939 I might not be getting everything right now. 219 00:18:30,939 --> 00:18:35,179 And in the future, there's a very high likelihood I'm not going to get everything right. 220 00:18:35,639 --> 00:18:36,559 But that's okay. 221 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:38,639 None of us are perfect. 222 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:45,819 And the more I can accept and love myself through my imperfection, genuinely, 223 00:18:45,819 --> 00:18:56,199 Like the more it helps me empathize with everybody else and the reasons that they go through their imperfections and having to face their own imperfections. 224 00:18:59,159 --> 00:19:06,819 I'll say that this is, I'm putting this out here with love for myself and for you. 225 00:19:07,819 --> 00:19:14,519 And I, I'm doing this releasing any expectation of what may or may not come with it. 226 00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:23,319 but I'm holding space for infinite possibility because that's something that, um, 227 00:19:24,159 --> 00:19:31,699 something about me and, and the way that I tend to see things is I do kind of see, 228 00:19:31,699 --> 00:19:37,659 and, and it's been, but I, I understand the difference between, you know, what, 229 00:19:37,659 --> 00:19:42,679 what could be and what is, what is or isn't likely. 230 00:19:43,739 --> 00:19:47,199 But I also understand how likelihood becomes a limiting belief, 231 00:19:47,819 --> 00:19:51,059 closing yourself off to what actually could be. 232 00:19:51,939 --> 00:19:54,179 I'll give some examples along the way. 233 00:19:55,319 --> 00:20:00,819 Actually, when I talk about manifestation, 234 00:20:01,379 --> 00:20:04,439 because there's so much about manifestation, as they call it, 235 00:20:04,439 --> 00:20:14,819 going you are never not manifesting menos your hands making you know this is this this is where 236 00:20:14,819 --> 00:20:20,419 the word manifest comes from and mankind and manipulate and your manos your hands you know 237 00:20:20,419 --> 00:20:27,099 manos in espanol i don't speak much i don't speak a lot of spanish but for a while especially while 238 00:20:27,099 --> 00:20:33,559 i was interfacing with you know customers that didn't speak much english you know i was motivated 239 00:20:33,559 --> 00:20:34,959 to want to learn more Spanish. 240 00:20:35,099 --> 00:20:35,979 And so I know a little bit, 241 00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:37,619 a lot of it around counting 242 00:20:37,619 --> 00:20:39,619 and, you know, bosa. 243 00:20:41,539 --> 00:20:43,239 And la basura. 244 00:20:43,959 --> 00:20:44,399 Anyway, 245 00:20:44,979 --> 00:20:49,059 easy for me to get on tangents. 246 00:20:50,831 --> 00:21:03,011 Coming back around, what I was going to tell you is that this is an act of love, so you can reciprocate in any way you want. 247 00:21:03,231 --> 00:21:09,831 You can share it if you think that there's something in there that you like, but I'm not even going to get into that part of it right now. 248 00:21:09,831 --> 00:21:13,731 this part I want to be a little confronting and tell you this 249 00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:17,271 even though I do 250 00:21:17,271 --> 00:21:22,011 we'll talk about definitions of words like love as we go along 251 00:21:22,011 --> 00:21:25,591 love and like aren't the same thing but like I do I love you 252 00:21:25,591 --> 00:21:28,351 whoever you are even if you hate the fuck out of me 253 00:21:28,351 --> 00:21:33,951 I still know how to love you and we'll talk about how I know how to love you along the way 254 00:21:33,951 --> 00:21:38,491 because I've learned some powerful lessons about this topic of love 255 00:21:38,491 --> 00:21:42,531 especially when it has to do with loving yourself 256 00:21:42,531 --> 00:21:44,911 and how much that matters 257 00:21:44,911 --> 00:21:46,731 and how hard that can be 258 00:21:46,731 --> 00:21:48,511 and 259 00:21:48,511 --> 00:21:53,391 I have an enormous amount of compassion 260 00:21:53,391 --> 00:21:56,571 for all the poor people in the world struggling here 261 00:21:56,571 --> 00:21:57,791 because I'm one of them 262 00:21:57,791 --> 00:21:59,671 and I've been 263 00:21:59,671 --> 00:22:03,531 but I feel like 264 00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:10,831 I found some kind of peace within myself 265 00:22:10,831 --> 00:22:16,031 that I want to be able to share. 266 00:22:17,971 --> 00:22:19,451 You've got to find your own. 267 00:22:20,911 --> 00:22:22,691 But I just want to encourage you 268 00:22:22,691 --> 00:22:25,831 and show you that just because I found some 269 00:22:25,831 --> 00:22:27,431 doesn't mean it might not slip away 270 00:22:27,431 --> 00:22:29,271 and I might have to scramble to get it back. 271 00:22:29,811 --> 00:22:30,071 Okay? 272 00:22:30,071 --> 00:22:39,091 so maybe this is an open part of my journaling on my relationship with life as I go along 273 00:22:39,091 --> 00:22:49,831 you know I don't know maybe my what do you want to call it drama or stories will take you out of 274 00:22:49,831 --> 00:22:55,311 the pain of your own life for a little while and then when you come back to your life you might find 275 00:22:55,311 --> 00:23:01,891 you have a slightly different perspective about something and it helps you out and if that happens 276 00:23:01,891 --> 00:23:11,551 for you then you're welcome and it makes me happy if you receive something like that from me 277 00:23:11,551 --> 00:23:18,351 now to confront you i'm gonna say i don't give a fuck who you are i don't i don't care who you are 278 00:23:18,351 --> 00:23:20,651 I don't care what you think about me. 279 00:23:21,431 --> 00:23:23,631 You're going to choose that anyway. 280 00:23:24,331 --> 00:23:26,871 I have no control over that, so why should I fret? 281 00:23:27,811 --> 00:23:32,751 I'm going to tell you what is important to me and why. 282 00:23:33,811 --> 00:23:36,091 Not being full of myself or arrogant. 283 00:23:36,651 --> 00:23:38,071 I'm extremely humble. 284 00:23:38,551 --> 00:23:43,331 And as you get to know me, you'll learn what genuine humility means to me. 285 00:23:43,471 --> 00:23:45,011 Because it's important to me. 286 00:23:45,711 --> 00:23:49,171 It's not the same thing as, you know, when people want to humble you and stuff. 287 00:23:49,371 --> 00:23:52,891 That's a competitive game, and it's a game. 288 00:23:53,211 --> 00:23:53,951 It is such a game. 289 00:23:53,951 --> 00:23:59,931 But I understand why it exists, and I don't hate the players. 290 00:24:01,871 --> 00:24:06,691 I do hate the game, or maybe I don't hate the game. 291 00:24:07,631 --> 00:24:09,251 Maybe I understand the game. 292 00:24:10,311 --> 00:24:11,631 And there's many games. 293 00:24:11,631 --> 00:24:16,511 I read a book published in the 70s, I think, but I picked it up somewhere like maybe in the 90s. 294 00:24:16,571 --> 00:24:17,131 I don't remember. 295 00:24:17,631 --> 00:24:22,751 A little paperback book called Games People Play about transactional psychology. 296 00:24:23,491 --> 00:24:26,551 If it weren't for him, games people play like that. 297 00:24:27,171 --> 00:24:29,191 Or why people choose each other. 298 00:24:29,671 --> 00:24:35,811 And this is like, there's been an awful lot of psychology written since then. 299 00:24:35,811 --> 00:24:48,831 But that little nugget of a book always stuck with me, especially the inner parent, the inner child and the inner adult and how the communication lines get crossed between people all the time. 300 00:24:49,871 --> 00:24:54,911 An adult says something to a person, but they hear it as from a parent and they respond from their inner child. 301 00:24:55,771 --> 00:24:58,411 They got triggered into that, you know, there's a lot more. 302 00:24:58,411 --> 00:25:12,111 I'm not a psychologist, but you know, I've had good reason to want to understand these things, especially when I decided that I needed to understand my own psychology and get a be sure about like myself. 303 00:25:13,751 --> 00:25:16,631 And if I needed to face things or heal things, do it. 304 00:25:18,831 --> 00:25:20,431 I came to the breaking point. 305 00:25:20,951 --> 00:25:25,671 Finally, I guess, or whatever is I've had so many ego deaths in my life. 306 00:25:25,671 --> 00:25:34,951 but intentionally seeking them out is, I don't know, I'm my own hero. 307 00:25:39,231 --> 00:25:43,431 And I've been there for myself, and I've faced myself, 308 00:25:43,571 --> 00:25:45,351 and I'm willing to keep doing that, 309 00:25:45,731 --> 00:25:49,231 even though there's going to be parts that might really hurt still or sting. 310 00:25:49,911 --> 00:25:50,311 I don't know. 311 00:25:50,791 --> 00:25:54,591 Self-realization isn't always pretty, but life isn't always pretty. 312 00:25:54,591 --> 00:25:55,531 It's ugly and messy. 313 00:25:55,671 --> 00:26:10,088 And I not a bad person I don see myself that way I can understand that in other people experience they might have experienced me as the villain And I have to accept that too you know 314 00:26:10,328 --> 00:26:15,868 and it's not dismissive. I mean, like other people's experience is legitimate for them, 315 00:26:15,868 --> 00:26:20,208 even if it doesn't line up with your interpretation of how things happened. 316 00:26:20,268 --> 00:26:25,908 It's how they actually feel about it, you know, and that's where people operate from a lot of times. 317 00:26:27,508 --> 00:26:37,608 So when misunderstandings happen and perpetuate and escalate, you know, expanding consciousness, enlightenment. 318 00:26:38,268 --> 00:26:51,548 Enlightenment, you know, is bringing light, conscious awareness to the dark or the shadow or the unconscious or the unknown or the unseen parts of yourself or things, you know, the occluded parts, the occult parts. 319 00:26:51,548 --> 00:26:57,828 There's so much about words and what they actually mean and then all of the loaded terms around them. 320 00:26:58,088 --> 00:27:03,248 You know, it's like the Nazis in the swastika symbol, right? 321 00:27:03,488 --> 00:27:06,648 Which existed so long before they ever existed. 322 00:27:07,308 --> 00:27:14,468 I have a little metal plaque thing or something, some decoration, and it's from India, right? 323 00:27:14,648 --> 00:27:19,748 And it's got this elephant guy, Ganesha, on it, and he's sitting on a swastika. 324 00:27:19,748 --> 00:27:22,248 and I don't I can't recall whether it's 325 00:27:22,248 --> 00:27:24,348 Sinistraverse or Dextraverse which way it spins 326 00:27:24,348 --> 00:27:26,428 but it's a symbol and it 327 00:27:26,428 --> 00:27:28,348 meant something that had nothing 328 00:27:28,348 --> 00:27:29,808 to do with those horrors 329 00:27:29,808 --> 00:27:32,308 you know but these days 330 00:27:32,308 --> 00:27:34,508 you see that shape and immediately 331 00:27:34,508 --> 00:27:36,468 it means that and in 332 00:27:36,468 --> 00:27:38,348 these times generally 333 00:27:38,348 --> 00:27:40,348 that's what that means you know 334 00:27:40,348 --> 00:27:42,208 unless it's something from 335 00:27:42,208 --> 00:27:44,128 you know the other side of the world where 336 00:27:44,128 --> 00:27:46,448 they're well aware of that 337 00:27:46,448 --> 00:27:47,008 stuff but 338 00:27:47,008 --> 00:27:54,588 you know you're never going to find here a red how does it go a red flag with a white circle and 339 00:27:54,588 --> 00:28:00,608 a black swastika i don't know i don't even really have a reason to keep the accurate image in my 340 00:28:00,608 --> 00:28:11,248 head because i don't identify with those things but i find symbology and symbols fascinating 341 00:28:11,248 --> 00:28:16,668 because our experience is ultimately made up of symbols. 342 00:28:16,828 --> 00:28:18,968 Even words are just symbols. 343 00:28:19,728 --> 00:28:20,448 They're dead. 344 00:28:20,528 --> 00:28:21,688 They don't hold any meaning. 345 00:28:22,548 --> 00:28:25,808 You get taught a meaning or you have a concept of a meaning of a word. 346 00:28:26,188 --> 00:28:27,848 That means you're giving it meaning. 347 00:28:28,388 --> 00:28:28,708 Love. 348 00:28:29,068 --> 00:28:30,088 We talk about love. 349 00:28:30,088 --> 00:28:31,248 What does love mean? 350 00:28:32,028 --> 00:28:33,648 One of them four-letter words, right? 351 00:28:34,228 --> 00:28:38,548 It means about as many things as the F word means. 352 00:28:38,548 --> 00:28:41,448 or you can be used in so many different ways. 353 00:28:41,948 --> 00:28:44,368 And they crisscross a little bit those two words, don't they? 354 00:28:46,528 --> 00:28:50,868 Interesting dynamics at play with the meanings of things 355 00:28:50,868 --> 00:28:52,248 and words and language. 356 00:28:54,048 --> 00:28:59,128 Cursing or cussing, as people call it, using language like that, 357 00:28:59,668 --> 00:29:02,668 sometimes it really gets to the heart of the emphasis 358 00:29:02,668 --> 00:29:04,808 that you're trying to put on something. 359 00:29:04,808 --> 00:29:14,248 But it's also not highbrow here, but sloppy or inarticulate language, too. 360 00:29:14,348 --> 00:29:20,548 Sometimes I like to know how to use words, how to use my words to be more specific about what I actually mean. 361 00:29:21,288 --> 00:29:25,688 And that takes developing an awareness of that. 362 00:29:25,788 --> 00:29:31,968 Even recently, I had a conversation, and it started with some text messages and stuff asking for a meeting. 363 00:29:31,968 --> 00:29:37,128 and then I met people and I learned that we didn't speak the same language and they really 364 00:29:37,128 --> 00:29:43,988 did not understand at first blush anything about what I was talking about. And I had to rearticulate 365 00:29:43,988 --> 00:29:50,128 it, you know, energy. What do you mean by energy? Emotional energy, you know, um, and enthusiasm 366 00:29:50,128 --> 00:29:56,548 and willingness to put energy, you know, my life force energy, I guess, even into making something 367 00:29:56,548 --> 00:30:04,068 happened or somebody else or whatever, you know, alignment, meaning purpose and shared purpose in 368 00:30:04,068 --> 00:30:10,628 vision and understanding, you know, what is motivating everybody. And it's okay to have 369 00:30:10,628 --> 00:30:14,888 different motivations and not be aligned. Maybe pieces of what we want aligned with each other. 370 00:30:14,968 --> 00:30:20,788 It's okay. We can figure these things out how much we can or can't work with each other to 371 00:30:20,788 --> 00:30:27,028 benefit each other or not, right? And so I'm very glad that I asked for that meeting. It offered me 372 00:30:27,028 --> 00:30:34,528 a lot of clarity. And I believe I was able to offer a lot of clarity, especially making it known that 373 00:30:34,528 --> 00:30:40,828 I'm open to being asked. Maybe sometimes that needs to be put out there a little bit more, 374 00:30:40,828 --> 00:30:46,688 you know, because I'm not from here, the Pacific Northwest where I'm at now, 375 00:30:46,688 --> 00:31:20,024 Although I love many things about it The nature I love so much And there so many different colorful and varied aspects of people even in this small town that I in But it valid to understand that if you want to communicate with somebody you need to have an understanding of your audience So I am motivated to learn a little bit about who you are but you can love me or hate me or feel like I a waste of your time or not You know that not what this is about 376 00:31:20,324 --> 00:31:22,584 This is about the people who actually listen. 377 00:31:23,104 --> 00:31:25,004 So you, if you're here, 378 00:31:25,844 --> 00:31:27,124 this is about me, 379 00:31:27,444 --> 00:31:30,724 but not because I need anything from you. 380 00:31:32,044 --> 00:31:33,424 This is about you 381 00:31:33,424 --> 00:31:35,824 because I want to offer something to you. 382 00:31:36,164 --> 00:31:37,864 I want to give you and share with you 383 00:31:37,864 --> 00:31:38,924 a piece of myself, 384 00:31:38,924 --> 00:31:47,284 even if it's just an example of me being stupid and brave enough to do like a hella dumb shit and 385 00:31:47,284 --> 00:31:54,624 even you know put myself out there in ways that could maybe seem extremely embarrassing i i don't 386 00:31:54,624 --> 00:32:00,684 care i don't do you know what i care about and what i highly strongly i want to teach you to 387 00:32:00,684 --> 00:32:06,864 care about more than anything i don't want to teach you to be arrogant or fool of yourself or fool 388 00:32:06,864 --> 00:32:12,964 yourself. I want to teach you how important it is to be curious about yourself, get to know yourself 389 00:32:12,964 --> 00:32:18,124 and be extremely self-honest with yourself so that you can learn how to accept the things about 390 00:32:18,124 --> 00:32:23,024 yourself that you don't really want to look at and understand why they're there because you can 391 00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:28,064 heal a lot of things in yourself when you want to and you have to want to. You have to want to do 392 00:32:28,064 --> 00:32:34,484 these kinds of things. So maybe you don't. Maybe you're going to sit there with your arms crossed 393 00:32:34,484 --> 00:32:40,184 But you're looking and you're watching and you're curious and your curiosity. 394 00:32:41,364 --> 00:32:46,304 They say curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back. 395 00:32:46,804 --> 00:32:47,824 There's more to it. 396 00:32:49,584 --> 00:32:56,284 You know, if you're never curious, you never learn, you never grow. 397 00:32:57,044 --> 00:32:58,784 Your curiosity is a blessing. 398 00:32:59,664 --> 00:33:03,384 It's something in yourself that you should respect, honor, and nurture. 399 00:33:03,384 --> 00:33:09,964 and be mindful that it can take you, you know, allow it to take you. 400 00:33:10,944 --> 00:33:15,244 It's not going to kill you because if you follow your curiosity, 401 00:33:15,244 --> 00:33:17,224 eventually you will find your satisfaction. 402 00:33:18,444 --> 00:33:22,764 And you could have learned something or explored territory in life 403 00:33:22,764 --> 00:33:26,324 or whatever domain of life that you would have never, 404 00:33:26,424 --> 00:33:29,844 never seen if you weren't brave enough to travel. 405 00:33:29,844 --> 00:33:34,644 this was originally going to be called the trust fall because 406 00:33:34,644 --> 00:33:44,064 I decided that I have so many different perspectives and beliefs about how life and 407 00:33:44,064 --> 00:33:50,144 the world work that I've come to through my own synthesis you know these are the things that feel 408 00:33:50,144 --> 00:33:56,884 true to me or that I think are probably or might be true or that I'm curious enough to want to find 409 00:33:56,884 --> 00:34:06,964 out and being having very very different paths roads i've traveled in life passing through 410 00:34:06,964 --> 00:34:12,444 different worlds even you know some at the same time one foot in one world one foot in another 411 00:34:12,444 --> 00:34:22,444 world yeah you know working at huge companies doing you know high-tech work in computers mostly 412 00:34:22,444 --> 00:34:24,764 troubleshooting and managing emergencies 413 00:34:24,764 --> 00:34:25,804 and when things break 414 00:34:25,804 --> 00:34:28,884 and being the interface to people 415 00:34:28,884 --> 00:34:31,144 who are freaking out 416 00:34:31,144 --> 00:34:32,724 in some cases because 417 00:34:32,724 --> 00:34:34,844 their email ain't working, in some cases because 418 00:34:34,844 --> 00:34:36,904 their trading floor can't 419 00:34:36,904 --> 00:34:38,364 trade because there's a problem 420 00:34:38,364 --> 00:34:40,864 with the software that my 421 00:34:40,864 --> 00:34:41,964 company and the services 422 00:34:41,964 --> 00:34:44,484 their analytics aren't coming back right 423 00:34:44,484 --> 00:34:46,924 I used to do stuff, an early 424 00:34:46,924 --> 00:34:48,564 gauntlet I went through that I loved 425 00:34:48,564 --> 00:34:50,684 because it was so exciting was getting 426 00:34:50,684 --> 00:34:57,544 to know about the stock trading and collecting all the information and then correlating it 427 00:34:57,544 --> 00:34:58,284 and sending it out. 428 00:34:58,344 --> 00:34:59,384 And I mentioned this in other videos. 429 00:34:59,464 --> 00:35:00,284 I don't need to get into it. 430 00:35:00,284 --> 00:35:00,664 I'm easy. 431 00:35:01,024 --> 00:35:02,424 It's easy for me to get into the weeds. 432 00:35:03,224 --> 00:35:08,704 I don't care about what you think of me because you can choose whether I'm for you or not. 433 00:35:08,704 --> 00:35:16,124 I don't have to be your cup of tea, but somebody else, you know, I don't know. 434 00:35:16,124 --> 00:35:21,764 maybe they like to sit back and relax and and hear my presently slightly scratchy voice 435 00:35:21,764 --> 00:35:27,544 look i use gaffer's tape to seal that up in the winter time because i live in a motorhome 436 00:35:27,544 --> 00:35:33,184 and it leaves a mess i'm gonna have to you never see those things because i'm never looking at the 437 00:35:33,184 --> 00:35:38,484 ceiling as i'm walking around in here do to do adhd out of sight out of mind is a big thing i'm 438 00:35:38,484 --> 00:35:43,744 learning but the time thing we'll talk a lot more about that but that's not the main thrust of this 439 00:35:43,744 --> 00:35:52,204 podcast emotional healing and relations and how that matters so much in relating with the world 440 00:35:52,204 --> 00:35:57,444 and how that echoes through the world is a perspective i'd really really like to share 441 00:35:57,444 --> 00:36:03,844 it because there's a lot of chaos and pain and despondency and oh my god the fucking sky is 442 00:36:03,844 --> 00:36:11,944 falling hard and we're just so effed that people are like hopeless about it 443 00:36:11,944 --> 00:36:39,400 And one of the seeds to what started this podcast was I had been going through like so much of my own blowing my own mind in my healing journey this past winter And I just saw some videos about people expressing their hopelessness and despondency 444 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:43,980 And it touched deep places inside of me. 445 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:46,780 And so I was on fire. 446 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:50,840 I said I was antsy as hell and I had to get this out. 447 00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:56,760 you're going to see that video because I'm going to have that as my next episode. 448 00:36:58,660 --> 00:37:01,240 Even though I've recorded two pilot episodes, 449 00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:10,240 I'm going to start with the one that kind of really started the direction of wanting to direct something outward to other people. 450 00:37:11,620 --> 00:37:18,980 And, you know, I realize I not only evolve and have evolved my whole life, 451 00:37:18,980 --> 00:37:23,520 But I'm capable of rapid evolving when that's what matters to me. 452 00:37:24,260 --> 00:37:25,320 And I'm here for it. 453 00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:29,280 I love all of the fucked up vast versions of me. 454 00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:32,040 And I have the right to say that about myself. 455 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:35,720 But I understand how it all happened and where I got. 456 00:37:35,900 --> 00:37:40,320 And those versions of me, I love them because they brought me to be who I am today. 457 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:42,660 None of them were bad people. 458 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:44,120 No, not really. 459 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:48,200 One of the things that I love the most about myself 460 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:51,340 Is that I've managed to hold on to my heart 461 00:37:51,340 --> 00:37:52,800 Through everything 462 00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:55,180 Fiercely 463 00:37:55,180 --> 00:37:57,880 It's all I've had sometimes 464 00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:00,660 And I'm so grateful to myself 465 00:38:00,660 --> 00:38:03,820 That I was able to and still am able to 466 00:38:03,820 --> 00:38:05,160 Because I feel 467 00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:10,480 I feel very secure within myself at this point 468 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:14,560 I don't think I could possibly know a better friend. 469 00:38:15,420 --> 00:38:18,560 I don't think anybody could ever know me the way I know me 470 00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:25,120 and accept me as fully and honestly as I've learned to accept myself 471 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:32,640 and love myself and see how beautiful I am sometimes as a human being. 472 00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:35,360 Sounds narcissistic, right? 473 00:38:35,540 --> 00:38:36,760 I hate that fucking word. 474 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:40,200 I call it the modern N-word because everybody throws it around, 475 00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:52,460 But there's so much more to comment about red flag warnings and the, you know, the let's diagnose everybody we meet in three seconds kind of mentality going on out here. 476 00:38:52,820 --> 00:38:54,160 That's a huge fucking problem. 477 00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:55,200 I'm going to cuss. 478 00:38:55,340 --> 00:38:57,220 I don't care because, like, that's how I feel about it. 479 00:38:57,240 --> 00:39:04,680 That's a huge, huge problem in this world that we need to stop, put the brakes on, and take a fucking look at what we're doing here. 480 00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:05,360 Okay? 481 00:39:05,700 --> 00:39:07,820 You hate the world and you think it's terrible. 482 00:39:07,820 --> 00:39:10,900 well, like, this is one of the things driving it, sweetheart. 483 00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:12,320 You don't, you know. 484 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,840 And I do believe that, you know, inside everybody, 485 00:39:15,980 --> 00:39:17,140 there's a sweet part of your heart. 486 00:39:17,940 --> 00:39:18,680 There is. 487 00:39:19,300 --> 00:39:23,040 And I understand how some people get terribly distorted and malign, 488 00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:27,100 and it's hard to see anything sweet about them, you know, because, you know. 489 00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:28,820 But it's okay. 490 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:34,700 I have perspectives to share that have helped me see people and myself 491 00:39:34,700 --> 00:39:40,340 and relations and these things that go on between us, within us, 492 00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:47,000 and within our families, communities, environments, and everything. 493 00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:54,220 I'm not going to tell you what to do. 494 00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:58,960 I'm going to show you why it's mattered to me 495 00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:03,980 to point the lens inward and what that means. 496 00:40:04,700 --> 00:40:21,560 Because there's a lot of platitudes you hear in life. Oh, be the change you want to see in the world. I said in a video somewhere, it's like, what a effing cop out, because you're not giving anybody tools to get there, right? You're not giving anybody real examples and talking out like what that actually means. 497 00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:25,120 this whole experience for me 498 00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:29,660 is choosing to be that change in the world 499 00:40:29,660 --> 00:40:32,840 that I so fundamentally 500 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,540 in the center of my being want to see. 501 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:44,320 So I'm not going to ask anybody else to do it. 502 00:40:45,060 --> 00:40:46,940 I'm going to do the best I can 503 00:40:46,940 --> 00:40:49,820 to trust myself, 504 00:40:49,820 --> 00:40:53,300 look honestly at myself and learn 505 00:40:53,300 --> 00:40:57,560 learn from life, learn how to understand 506 00:40:57,560 --> 00:41:01,740 more about other people and see them with greater and greater compassion 507 00:41:01,740 --> 00:41:04,000 because 508 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:09,680 it matters to me because I understand that even 509 00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:13,560 the good guys in the world, the people who get hurt 510 00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:17,840 unfairly, get their feelings 511 00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:25,020 hurt. They radiate out that hurt. They feel. People piss you off when you don't deserve 512 00:41:25,020 --> 00:41:29,940 something. Well, you're pissed off and angry and you don't look at that person with love. 513 00:41:29,940 --> 00:41:37,020 So you reflect that angry energy back. Even if you're just saying, ow, and you're feeding 514 00:41:37,020 --> 00:41:39,960 feedback loop. I came up with this idea. 515 00:41:39,997 --> 00:41:46,837 that like the energetic exchanges between people are not, it's not as, it's not wise, 516 00:41:47,137 --> 00:41:51,397 especially because you get hung up in the trees instead of the forest here with these things. 517 00:41:51,557 --> 00:41:56,657 It's not wise to say, well, their energy is this and my energy is that. As soon as an energy 518 00:41:56,657 --> 00:42:04,157 exchange happens, like you're helping decide what that energy is. And it may start as a potential 519 00:42:04,157 --> 00:42:11,257 over here, but any energetic exchange between people, emotional exchange, attitude, you know, 520 00:42:11,717 --> 00:42:19,157 whatever, an energetic exchange between people is a circuit. And just like any electrical circuit, 521 00:42:19,397 --> 00:42:23,697 it doesn't exist until all of the pieces are there as a whole, like the whole loop 522 00:42:23,697 --> 00:42:29,697 has, you close the switch, then it becomes all one loop and thing. And then the energy flows, 523 00:42:29,697 --> 00:42:39,037 right so even if you think that you're justified and other people might objectively think so too 524 00:42:39,037 --> 00:42:47,417 doesn't mean that you're not participating in the energy that you really even hate 525 00:42:47,417 --> 00:42:51,377 i'm looking at my own eyes as i say this sorry 526 00:42:51,377 --> 00:42:58,017 so watching myself on camera a little bit i've learned to try to stare at the dot more 527 00:42:58,017 --> 00:43:05,717 you know but talking to people you want to look at the face and look people in the eyes but when 528 00:43:05,717 --> 00:43:10,077 i do i'm looking down so i don't know give you the camera needs to be farther away 529 00:43:10,077 --> 00:43:19,357 i want to teach you and a lot of people you're going to say i like myself i love myself 530 00:43:19,357 --> 00:43:39,357 You know, I did too, but not with the kind of understanding and depth and transformative effect that I've been able to give myself by working at it. 531 00:43:41,357 --> 00:43:43,417 All relationships take work. 532 00:43:43,957 --> 00:43:45,297 Everything is a road in life. 533 00:43:45,477 --> 00:43:47,257 Relationships are a road in life. 534 00:43:48,157 --> 00:43:49,117 They are. 535 00:43:49,357 --> 00:43:57,457 life is a journey we can revisit this topic a lot if necessary so your relationship with yourself 536 00:43:57,457 --> 00:44:03,177 and your relationship with life is a journey you're going to revisit the same themes over 537 00:44:03,177 --> 00:44:09,877 and over because it's a circle and as your understanding grows your feeling about it and 538 00:44:09,877 --> 00:44:18,137 your clarity and your conscious awareness and your peace and your emotional level will all go up 539 00:44:18,137 --> 00:44:28,137 or you can drag you down and spiral you into feeling worse and feeling worse and seeing more pain and 540 00:44:28,137 --> 00:44:38,877 and it gets harder and harder and i've been through this spectrum of emotion and experience in life 541 00:44:40,157 --> 00:44:47,617 enough to understand a lot about this train from my experience and how i've learned to relate with it 542 00:44:47,617 --> 00:44:52,177 So I'm going to try to share myself with you in this way. 543 00:44:53,897 --> 00:44:57,817 And what I want you to expect is not to have expectations. 544 00:44:58,637 --> 00:45:00,857 Maybe I don't have expectations. 545 00:45:00,977 --> 00:45:02,697 I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with this. 546 00:45:02,777 --> 00:45:07,137 Before I've recorded this, I've recorded a few other things. 547 00:45:07,517 --> 00:45:14,297 I recorded an intro for my YouTube channel version of this, you know, for a channel intro. 548 00:45:14,297 --> 00:45:16,837 and so that's going to be 549 00:45:16,837 --> 00:45:18,477 the first episode out 550 00:45:18,477 --> 00:45:20,957 and then I think I'm going to put this one out 551 00:45:20,957 --> 00:45:22,357 because it's a little explainer 552 00:45:22,357 --> 00:45:24,797 and then vulnerability 553 00:45:24,797 --> 00:45:27,017 if you want to go through 554 00:45:27,017 --> 00:45:28,877 it with me 555 00:45:28,877 --> 00:45:30,717 I'll put out 556 00:45:30,717 --> 00:45:32,917 Pilot A which is out on YouTube 557 00:45:32,917 --> 00:45:50,216 now if you want to go see it on my atlovedownbabylon L you can go see that one on youtube and i put out pilot b and you can see kind of like what iteration looks like for me for one 558 00:45:50,776 --> 00:45:57,016 pilot a was two hours and 20 minutes i think long plus i don't know if i added or will add you know 559 00:45:57,016 --> 00:46:03,096 anything ahead or behind it but yeah it is up on on youtube in a raw form and i'll probably just 560 00:46:03,096 --> 00:46:08,216 leave it just like that and then so is pilot b that one i think is maybe a buck 30 in time 561 00:46:09,096 --> 00:46:14,856 meaning an hour and 30. maybe we'll get some chapters in there sometime that's that's something 562 00:46:14,856 --> 00:46:20,616 i would like to do is up my production game and learn how to be better at this because there's 563 00:46:20,616 --> 00:46:26,616 other ways that like i i can see being able to understand how to edit a video and do all these 564 00:46:26,616 --> 00:46:31,896 things matter to me the sound stuff too i have stuff i can make better recordings on sound 565 00:46:31,896 --> 00:46:37,616 but that's not necessary for what I'm doing here at all as long as you're able to hear it well 566 00:46:37,616 --> 00:46:43,456 enough and you're not bothered by it too much you know it will improve I'll start maybe using my 567 00:46:43,456 --> 00:46:49,616 lav mic more or I might even sit down with you know a camera or a webcam or a phone used as a 568 00:46:49,616 --> 00:46:54,256 camera and a computer and record I don't know there's potential and possibility it could go 569 00:46:54,256 --> 00:46:59,616 any which way my point is that like there's a bunch of possibility I hold the door open to all 570 00:46:59,616 --> 00:47:04,736 of these possibilities, but I'm not hung up on any one thing. I want this just to be what it is. 571 00:47:05,076 --> 00:47:10,216 I want it to evolve as it wants to evolve and let it become the thing that it is meant to be on its 572 00:47:10,216 --> 00:47:17,396 own with whatever energy I'm attracted to put into it, whatever energy you as my listener, 573 00:47:17,576 --> 00:47:24,116 I'm grateful to you for listening. I am. I am so glad that you're here. It means something to me 574 00:47:24,116 --> 00:47:40,436 This means anything to you. It does. And I don't have to know you for that because that's the intention of love is to have a positive impact in some way, even if it's entertainment, you know, to put it out there and let it have wings and a life of its own. 575 00:47:40,436 --> 00:47:49,976 Okay. Trust fall, trust falling, right? I'm trust falling into a whole different idea about 576 00:47:49,976 --> 00:47:55,656 money and economy because of my understanding of what money really is. Money is, um, 577 00:47:56,656 --> 00:48:02,176 money is a representation of something else. It's energetic and it is a lot closer to love, 578 00:48:02,176 --> 00:48:05,596 but it can also be love's opposite 579 00:48:05,596 --> 00:48:10,596 yeah okay 580 00:48:10,596 --> 00:48:15,656 there's a lot of times a work behind 581 00:48:15,656 --> 00:48:19,436 understanding and if you have a mental framework on something 582 00:48:19,436 --> 00:48:21,456 like well how did you get there and what do you mean 583 00:48:21,456 --> 00:48:24,816 if you stick around you'll start to understand 584 00:48:24,816 --> 00:48:28,616 but if you ever heard the term let go and let God 585 00:48:28,616 --> 00:48:38,596 I don't have any specific dogmatic name for what God is or isn't, or if it's the universe, 586 00:48:39,036 --> 00:48:46,056 or if it's, you know, Jesus Christ. I grew up in the Catholic church. Jesus has been a good friend 587 00:48:46,056 --> 00:48:53,976 to me, whether he's fictional or not, the things that he teaches. And I'm going to throw a lot of 588 00:48:53,976 --> 00:48:59,716 people off. I'm not a religious person, a zealot or anything like at all. I don't care. I care about 589 00:48:59,716 --> 00:49:05,676 this. I care about this turmoil because this is where the war is. I care about this because this 590 00:49:05,676 --> 00:49:12,556 is what's being fought over, even if it's within yourself, the heart. So I'm here to help you see 591 00:49:12,556 --> 00:49:22,196 how much there is for you in the journey from the head to the heart. And if that involves a religion 592 00:49:22,196 --> 00:49:28,756 or not, I don't care. If that involves one way of seeing things or not, I don't care. It's your path. 593 00:49:28,756 --> 00:49:55,955 But we all have this path that we can walk And I trying real hard to walk that path and be what I love to see in this world because I got my eye on the prize I understand what there and I understand why it matters so much not just for me but for everybody that I touch in life is affected by what lives in here in my heart 594 00:49:55,955 --> 00:50:05,515 deep in my heart is the source of everything that comes through me and that becomes through me and 595 00:50:05,515 --> 00:50:14,135 that, you know, emanates from me. And there's no control in this world over what happens 596 00:50:14,135 --> 00:50:21,075 with what comes out of you or what other people will do with it or what other things are going 597 00:50:21,075 --> 00:50:27,955 to come at you, but you can learn how much power you have over what lives here. 598 00:50:29,695 --> 00:50:31,455 And that will come out of you. 599 00:50:32,395 --> 00:50:34,775 And it will be reflected back to you eventually. 600 00:50:35,095 --> 00:50:35,895 It will. 601 00:50:36,635 --> 00:50:38,295 The world takes time to catch up. 602 00:50:39,115 --> 00:50:46,335 So there's a lesson in this about understanding the time. 603 00:50:46,335 --> 00:50:50,095 you gotta work with time and understand 604 00:50:50,095 --> 00:50:51,955 a little bit more about like 605 00:50:51,955 --> 00:50:53,775 why things might need to take time 606 00:50:53,775 --> 00:50:55,695 and that you know 607 00:50:55,695 --> 00:50:58,155 it's better for you sometimes 608 00:50:58,155 --> 00:50:59,295 not to 609 00:50:59,295 --> 00:51:01,915 get hurried into a place that 610 00:51:01,915 --> 00:51:04,155 you didn't realize you weren't ready for 611 00:51:04,155 --> 00:51:05,035 you know 612 00:51:05,035 --> 00:51:08,095 or maybe you need a lot of being 613 00:51:08,095 --> 00:51:10,395 confronted slowly over little pieces 614 00:51:10,395 --> 00:51:12,055 rather than all at once 615 00:51:12,055 --> 00:51:13,995 because you might not survive 616 00:51:13,995 --> 00:51:15,455 being shattered over something 617 00:51:15,455 --> 00:51:18,215 I don't know if I'm here to shatter you or not 618 00:51:18,215 --> 00:51:20,495 I've been willing to 619 00:51:20,495 --> 00:51:24,975 to face the fear of shattering myself 620 00:51:24,975 --> 00:51:26,335 because like 621 00:51:26,335 --> 00:51:27,735 doing this 622 00:51:27,735 --> 00:51:29,475 and putting myself out there 623 00:51:29,475 --> 00:51:32,335 about everything 624 00:51:32,335 --> 00:51:35,795 that I go through 625 00:51:35,795 --> 00:51:38,215 and how I try to process and navigate 626 00:51:38,215 --> 00:51:42,715 is likely to have unexpected repercussions 627 00:51:42,715 --> 00:51:44,155 positive, negative 628 00:51:44,155 --> 00:51:53,715 neutral both but there's a very real possibility that this is going to break me open it could break 629 00:51:53,715 --> 00:52:04,655 me wide open and that's super scary partly because i've been broken open more than once i've been 630 00:52:04,655 --> 00:52:12,415 through ego deaths i've been through realizations and my whole world turning over whether i wanted 631 00:52:12,415 --> 00:52:17,675 it to or not or whether in hindsight I can realize that like I chose for it to happen 632 00:52:17,675 --> 00:52:22,195 whether I knew it or not you know 633 00:52:22,195 --> 00:52:30,715 the clearer I can see myself the easier it is to look back and recognize cycles and patterns 634 00:52:30,715 --> 00:52:39,715 that I never saw before you know because I was too caught up in it and not removed enough from 635 00:52:39,715 --> 00:52:43,755 to have a calm and detached view. 636 00:52:44,975 --> 00:52:49,295 And I hope I share something with you that helps. 637 00:52:52,615 --> 00:52:57,235 So, no rules, no expectations. 638 00:52:57,795 --> 00:52:59,735 I'm not demanding anything from life. 639 00:53:00,435 --> 00:53:03,035 I'm going to give myself where it feels good to give myself. 640 00:53:03,655 --> 00:53:06,635 I'm going to lean into the things in myself that light me up 641 00:53:06,635 --> 00:53:08,955 and give me joy in and of themselves. 642 00:53:09,715 --> 00:53:31,975 Because my happiness, if that's what I cultivate inside of me, my sense of passion or purpose, if I cultivate nurturing that inside of me and following that inside of me, that's going to bring more self-acceptance and love for myself and the world inside of me. 643 00:53:32,055 --> 00:53:42,814 And that what going to radiate out That what I have faith in I don need my volunteer projects whether it putting out a podcast 644 00:53:43,094 --> 00:53:44,954 I will ask for value back. 645 00:53:45,034 --> 00:53:47,374 I want to talk about this value-for-value ecosystem, 646 00:53:47,774 --> 00:53:51,374 this love-based economy instead of a fear-based economy 647 00:53:51,374 --> 00:53:55,414 and why one is love-based and why I see the other as fear-based. 648 00:53:56,454 --> 00:53:57,954 And I'm not judging things. 649 00:53:58,274 --> 00:54:00,714 We'll talk about judgment and discernment quite a lot, too, 650 00:54:00,794 --> 00:54:02,454 and the important difference between the two. 651 00:54:02,654 --> 00:54:10,394 and I'm open to feedback 652 00:54:10,394 --> 00:54:13,494 come at me with love 653 00:54:13,494 --> 00:54:15,054 I'll try to receive you with love 654 00:54:15,054 --> 00:54:16,474 I hope you received me with love 655 00:54:16,474 --> 00:54:18,934 so you know 656 00:54:18,934 --> 00:54:21,114 if you're down 657 00:54:21,114 --> 00:54:23,914 we got an adventure to go on here 658 00:54:23,914 --> 00:54:26,514 besides the pilot episodes 659 00:54:26,514 --> 00:54:28,374 I wrote an episode 660 00:54:28,374 --> 00:54:30,634 I didn't write anything 661 00:54:30,634 --> 00:54:32,074 I recorded an episode 662 00:54:32,074 --> 00:54:43,814 shortly after, you know, I had to process an emotional event in my life or an event. 663 00:54:45,654 --> 00:54:52,514 I call it, I don't know, hard to do or I don't know what I'll call it, but you'll know the 664 00:54:52,514 --> 00:54:58,574 episode when you see it because I wanted to be honest about the fact that this is not like 665 00:54:58,574 --> 00:55:01,694 all easy. There's hard parts. 666 00:55:02,794 --> 00:55:06,694 But I want to show you why I have faith that going through the hard parts 667 00:55:06,694 --> 00:55:08,694 is worth it for me. 668 00:55:10,074 --> 00:55:12,074 Maybe you'll be inspired 669 00:55:12,074 --> 00:55:15,734 to get curious about yourself 670 00:55:15,734 --> 00:55:21,374 and reevaluate what might or might not be worth 671 00:55:21,374 --> 00:55:24,714 learning about you. 672 00:55:24,714 --> 00:55:31,474 because you're a magical and beautiful creature. 673 00:55:35,794 --> 00:55:39,814 And full spectrum, all the bitter, all the sweet, 674 00:55:40,294 --> 00:55:44,474 it's in all of us, all the beautiful, all the ugly. 675 00:55:45,334 --> 00:55:47,334 There's pieces of it in all of us. 676 00:55:47,334 --> 00:55:52,054 being able to see the beauty 677 00:55:52,054 --> 00:55:54,854 means 678 00:55:54,854 --> 00:55:59,194 that you have a concept of the ugly 679 00:55:59,194 --> 00:56:03,234 so you hold both of them inside of you 680 00:56:03,234 --> 00:56:07,614 maybe you reject one and run for the other 681 00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:10,354 even though they're 682 00:56:10,354 --> 00:56:12,874 two parts of the same thing 683 00:56:12,874 --> 00:56:18,994 and beauty is in the eye of the beholder well 684 00:56:18,994 --> 00:56:29,894 i hope you find beauty in your life and in yourself to behold once in a while 685 00:56:29,894 --> 00:56:36,734 and if you don't know how to see it or where to find it maybe i can do something for you 686 00:56:36,734 --> 00:56:40,814 to help you look at your world and yourself 687 00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,754 from just a slightly different angle 688 00:56:43,754 --> 00:56:46,854 and see something that you might have been missing 689 00:56:46,854 --> 00:56:48,794 or understand 690 00:56:48,794 --> 00:56:53,814 why you see so much of what you do. 691 00:56:56,554 --> 00:56:57,194 Okay. 692 00:56:58,934 --> 00:56:59,974 I love you. 693 00:57:02,614 --> 00:57:05,714 And I will see you again soon. 694 00:57:06,734 --> 00:57:09,754 Thank you. 695 00:57:10,274 --> 00:57:13,614 I'm very grateful to you for spending your time with me. 696 00:57:15,194 --> 00:57:21,714 And I wish you, I wish you all the best on your grand adventure in life. 697 00:57:23,174 --> 00:57:27,414 May you see it as an adventure and may you fall in love with your journey. 698 00:57:31,414 --> 00:57:31,974 Okay. 699 00:57:33,594 --> 00:57:35,714 Pressing the button, I'm out. 700 00:57:36,734 --> 00:57:36,834 you