1
00:00:00,840 --> 00:00:05,620
Welcome home, and welcome to the Love Down Babylon podcast.

2
00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:12,920
My name is Tim, and this episode is story time.

3
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:19,580
I had an inspiration to pick up the phone and start recording and talking,

4
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,700
and this is what became of that.

5
00:00:24,420 --> 00:00:25,820
So I hope you enjoy.

6
00:00:25,820 --> 00:00:32,140
All right, I love you and here we go with story time.

7
00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:34,260
Okay, here I go again.

8
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:44,180
This is continuing to not be easy, but in a different way.

9
00:00:44,180 --> 00:00:58,320
expressing what I find is that I have spent a lot of time in my head thinking about the things I want

10
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:10,880
to say and what I shouldn't say because this is important this is there are things that I want to

11
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:18,380
talk about and relate to you in my personal experience in life so that I

12
00:01:18,380 --> 00:01:26,100
can share with you how I'm trying to process those in the best way that I

13
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:33,640
know how for myself and everybody not trying to live in la-la land if you want

14
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:45,060
look at it that way or anything like that but I'm trying to share something about how

15
00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:55,920
how I'm this is a learning process for me that's the main thing I'm sharing is that

16
00:01:55,920 --> 00:02:02,680
But your own journey through life is meant to be a learning process for you.

17
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,040
And it's okay.

18
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:07,480
It is.

19
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:15,540
If you're trying and if you really want to try to be the best you can and be the best

20
00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:22,120
to others that you can and you would like to see the best of others in the world, if

21
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:23,740
Those are things that you care about.

22
00:02:25,660 --> 00:02:31,660
I want to try to help you understand that the beginning of the road that gets you to

23
00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:41,620
any of those things is the beginning of the road that you take into yourself and examining

24
00:02:44,180 --> 00:02:51,340
what your feelings really are, what they're really trying to tell you, what you can learn

25
00:02:51,340 --> 00:03:00,800
them and how you can look at so many things in your life that bring feelings

26
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:11,780
to you come to be and how the natural reactions that we have the actions that

27
00:03:11,780 --> 00:03:17,340
we take when we think that we're absolutely right how could I be wrong no

28
00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:22,740
it's obvious blah blah blah right and the actions that you choose to take when

29
00:03:22,740 --> 00:03:30,780
you believe that without ever stopping to understand like what's really driving

30
00:03:30,780 --> 00:03:37,440
you you can fool yourself into thinking that you're certain about things that

31
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:43,200
you're wrong about or could be wrong about maybe mostly you're right about

32
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:50,040
but sometimes you're not and what happens when you make those mistakes

33
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:56,260
those get to be very difficult to come back from a lot of them you cannot take

34
00:03:56,260 --> 00:04:13,120
back and a lot of times it's easy to feel hurt enough to be like

35
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:19,540
why the F should I care? And I want to help you maybe understand something about

36
00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:28,120
why you might. For yourself. Seriously. Not everything that you do for other

37
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:40,900
people is only about other people. How you choose in life is who you are

38
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:48,940
choosing to be because you are not what you do you're not what you build you are

39
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:58,120
not well how you perform you are how you choose to treat yourself and other

40
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:16,977
people that is the fundamental thing about who you are as a person and where your true value resides is within yourself and how much you able to connect with that and share that

41
00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:21,097
Open yourself up to giving.

42
00:05:22,177 --> 00:05:26,057
Open yourself up to receiving that.

43
00:05:27,737 --> 00:05:31,437
Because you keep it from yourself and not realize it.

44
00:05:31,897 --> 00:05:33,257
And think that it's not there.

45
00:05:33,257 --> 00:05:42,757
they say be the change that you want to see in the world it's not a joke it's not a trope

46
00:05:42,757 --> 00:05:52,897
it's easy to take a handful of words and go like okay heard it a bunch but if you really want to

47
00:05:52,897 --> 00:06:02,657
seriously contemplate like the deeper meaning of that it lines up with so much if so much wisdom

48
00:06:02,657 --> 00:06:08,157
in the world that is offered as wisdom. Not all of the things that people offer as wisdom are,

49
00:06:08,477 --> 00:06:12,877
but if you take time and sit with them and you really pay attention,

50
00:06:13,877 --> 00:06:23,037
so many things in the world in different ways are telling you to go within, seek inside.

51
00:06:23,037 --> 00:06:27,397
But again, simple words, simple tropes.

52
00:06:27,397 --> 00:06:52,657
And the problem with both of those is they don't really address how to get from not understanding at all what that means to having some sense of how to approach that and start taking steps to even know what you mean by that road.

53
00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:57,797
I mean, it is self-reflection, but you're not trying to make yourself the bad guy,

54
00:06:57,797 --> 00:07:05,397
or you're not trying to make yourself the good guy in what happened. You're trying to understand

55
00:07:05,397 --> 00:07:11,637
how maybe you were a little of both, or maybe from another person's perspective, they genuinely

56
00:07:11,637 --> 00:07:21,077
received you as the bad guy, whether you meant it or not, or maybe the opposite, you know,

57
00:07:21,077 --> 00:07:28,077
they received you as the good guy whether you meant it or not because we paint each other with

58
00:07:28,077 --> 00:07:36,557
our own person we we only perceive the world inside of ourselves so everything that we

59
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:41,877
understand about the world comes down to narrative and this is super important for you to understand

60
00:07:41,877 --> 00:07:52,857
narratives story is fundamental to our experience in life everything is built

61
00:07:52,857 --> 00:08:00,457
in your perception it is what it is because you understand it as a thing and a name and what that

62
00:08:00,457 --> 00:08:06,337
name means and the stories behind what those things mean whether they're actions or objects

63
00:08:06,337 --> 00:08:14,337
or people or anything, anything that you experience, your understanding of it is built

64
00:08:14,337 --> 00:08:16,057
out of narratives.

65
00:08:18,217 --> 00:08:23,257
You go to religious traditions like the Abrahamic traditions, all of them that have different

66
00:08:23,257 --> 00:08:29,837
variations of, you know, the story of the fall of man in a garden and you have the tree

67
00:08:29,837 --> 00:08:32,577
of knowledge of good and evil, right?

68
00:08:32,577 --> 00:08:37,977
good and evil, knowledge of good and evil is

69
00:08:37,977 --> 00:08:46,257
judgment or discernment, I suppose, but you got to learn the difference because it does matter.

70
00:08:47,177 --> 00:08:53,137
It really does. At least my understanding of what the difference between the two matters to me.

71
00:08:53,857 --> 00:09:00,297
And I'm going to try to take time to illustrate that. So I'm going to tell you a lot of stories.

72
00:09:00,297 --> 00:09:04,577
I don't have to tell you every story in my life

73
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:09,937
and I'm not out to paint pictures of other people

74
00:09:09,937 --> 00:09:12,697
in order to attack anybody

75
00:09:12,697 --> 00:09:16,157
or to make them, you know

76
00:09:16,157 --> 00:09:18,917
I'm not out to hurt people

77
00:09:18,917 --> 00:09:23,637
and that's been a huge thing with me in my life

78
00:09:23,637 --> 00:09:25,597
is that deep down in my core

79
00:09:25,597 --> 00:09:27,297
the thing that I

80
00:09:27,297 --> 00:09:37,077
I get upset that somebody brings me to the point where I'm forced to do something

81
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:40,117
that I know is going to hurt them, even if I don't mean to.

82
00:09:41,397 --> 00:09:44,937
And we'll talk more about that because that's something that I'm, you know,

83
00:09:45,757 --> 00:09:49,017
learning about myself and trying to understand the implications

84
00:09:49,017 --> 00:09:52,737
of how that's colored my perception of the world and why,

85
00:09:53,437 --> 00:09:54,797
where that might come from.

86
00:09:54,797 --> 00:10:01,117
and there's a lot to talk about.

87
00:10:05,037 --> 00:10:07,357
And, you know, dear listener,

88
00:10:08,277 --> 00:10:15,097
I guess you're here because you might find something valuable in it,

89
00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:16,197
your entertainment, whatever.

90
00:10:16,897 --> 00:10:19,817
So I'm going to give this to you, not knowing who you are.

91
00:10:20,417 --> 00:10:31,453
I not going to send this to anybody in my life so that I can put it in their face This isn for them is what I trying to say

92
00:10:32,353 --> 00:10:35,493
Somebody might see this, they might react in a certain way.

93
00:10:36,873 --> 00:10:39,933
And that I will also talk about.

94
00:10:39,933 --> 00:10:44,993
because what I've learned about myself

95
00:10:44,993 --> 00:10:47,433
and come to understand about myself,

96
00:10:47,693 --> 00:10:51,793
I can see plainly how that works in other people now.

97
00:10:53,493 --> 00:10:56,553
And I don't know, you know, I've had,

98
00:10:56,933 --> 00:11:01,113
it's like a lot of puzzle pieces that I had

99
00:11:01,113 --> 00:11:03,193
and parts suddenly clicked together

100
00:11:03,193 --> 00:11:09,853
when all I cared about was figuring myself out.

101
00:11:09,933 --> 00:11:18,093
just anyway motivations aside you'll understand maybe kind of what pushed me

102
00:11:18,093 --> 00:11:24,873
over the edge which has such a drama behind this phrase pushed me over the

103
00:11:24,873 --> 00:11:29,773
edge and then that creates an image in your mind and you know it means different

104
00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:41,093
amounts of intensity to different people so go easy with the characters in the

105
00:11:41,093 --> 00:11:52,093
stories that you hear and understand that you're just hearing a perspective I

106
00:11:52,093 --> 00:11:58,093
like this idea I don't think it originated with these people maybe it

107
00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:02,633
did maybe it didn't but this band Wookie Foot has a song we're talking about the third side of the

108
00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:10,853
coin you know because you have the obverse and the reverse the the front and the back and then you

109
00:12:10,853 --> 00:12:17,473
have the edge so balance it on edge and that's the third side of the coin right and it kind of

110
00:12:17,473 --> 00:12:22,033
correlates with this thing that you hear you know there's three sides to every story yours mine and

111
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:36,593
the truth. But what is truth? And we'll explore that a little bit too. Because I've come to

112
00:12:36,593 --> 00:12:45,233
understand that paradox is an actual feature of reality, or a very strong potentiality that

113
00:12:45,233 --> 00:12:53,453
paradox is part of the nature of reality and for me I suppose it's not that hard

114
00:12:53,453 --> 00:13:01,253
for me to get to that because we'll talk about like my explorations of how cause

115
00:13:01,253 --> 00:13:08,273
how they are I don't know what you would call it cosmological or a theological or

116
00:13:08,273 --> 00:13:13,353
whatever how I reason about like what reality may or may not be and what truth

117
00:13:13,353 --> 00:13:18,273
may or may not be and how that works with different people in different perspectives

118
00:13:18,273 --> 00:13:27,673
because we are all we're all unique we all have our own perspective there are no even twins

119
00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:35,013
no matter how alike they are or how similar their experiences they still are two points of

120
00:13:35,013 --> 00:13:41,493
perspective and so it's going to be different and that's going to accumulate and have effects

121
00:13:41,493 --> 00:13:46,433
no matter how deterministic you want to say things might be.

122
00:13:51,893 --> 00:13:58,033
Anyway, so I'm going to tell you some stories and I'll start with one here.

123
00:13:59,453 --> 00:14:08,373
And it's important to me, actually, it's my intention to convey to you,

124
00:14:08,373 --> 00:14:11,133
you're going to do it this as you will

125
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:13,973
and other people are going to receive

126
00:14:13,973 --> 00:14:16,033
what I have to say from my perspective

127
00:14:16,033 --> 00:14:17,013
as they will

128
00:14:17,013 --> 00:14:19,833
but you're going to learn

129
00:14:19,833 --> 00:14:22,153
that certainty

130
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:24,393
is a problem

131
00:14:24,393 --> 00:14:25,673
and judgment

132
00:14:25,673 --> 00:14:27,213
is a problem

133
00:14:27,213 --> 00:14:31,733
and when those two come together

134
00:14:31,733 --> 00:14:34,273
they create so much of the mess

135
00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:34,893
in the world

136
00:14:34,893 --> 00:14:38,893
and we're going to talk about

137
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:44,873
interactions between people

138
00:14:44,873 --> 00:14:46,393
as energetic exchanges

139
00:14:46,393 --> 00:14:47,813
and how

140
00:14:47,813 --> 00:14:50,733
they can't exist without

141
00:14:50,733 --> 00:14:51,513
participation

142
00:14:51,513 --> 00:14:56,673
and I'll use a whole bunch of different analogies

143
00:14:56,673 --> 00:14:58,553
because I have lots of ways

144
00:14:58,553 --> 00:15:00,413
that I explain these things to myself

145
00:15:00,413 --> 00:15:02,473
and so maybe some of the ways

146
00:15:02,473 --> 00:15:04,133
I explain these things to myself

147
00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:09,373
might be useful for you in your perspectives on the world and your relationships.

148
00:15:13,673 --> 00:15:20,193
So the vulnerabilities and the fears that I have to overcome in being open about myself,

149
00:15:21,953 --> 00:15:26,473
I'm evolving as I'm moving through this process,

150
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:32,193
trying to keep my keel and navigate through, right?

151
00:15:32,193 --> 00:15:41,530
but I also am learning more and more to let go more and more I don have to be afraid of my truth

152
00:15:44,770 --> 00:15:49,270
Because I already understand that it's just my perspective.

153
00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:56,470
I don't have all of the information to actually know the whole truth.

154
00:15:56,470 --> 00:16:03,170
even if I think I understand the truth of a speck in time here where something happened

155
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:12,310
the histories that come into it can you know the potentials of the histories that come into it

156
00:16:12,310 --> 00:16:17,610
can completely rewrite the narrative that I tell myself about it and so holding on to one

157
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:24,050
particular narrative is a big part of the lessons that I want to teach you and why and how that can

158
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:32,830
matter and how being aware of this has implications in your whole life not just your relations with

159
00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:40,050
other people and the world but being able to regulate yourself because the world is

160
00:16:40,050 --> 00:16:47,270
seemingly you know not just going to hell in a handbasket but like you know screaming a thousand

161
00:16:47,270 --> 00:16:52,110
miles an hour towards oblivion or something sometimes you know the the fear level in the

162
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:55,710
world and the despondency level in the world is really really super high

163
00:16:55,710 --> 00:17:04,150
hopelessness and like why even be here and you know i reacted strongly to

164
00:17:04,150 --> 00:17:08,930
the suicidal tendencies in the world too because i can understand

165
00:17:08,930 --> 00:17:17,410
the things can lead people towards that but i'm like no please don't you know there's

166
00:17:17,410 --> 00:17:20,710
at least hear out some perspectives from you

167
00:17:20,710 --> 00:17:24,950
because I'm not here to push anything on you,

168
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:26,130
force you to take anything.

169
00:17:26,290 --> 00:17:28,210
You got a clicker button.

170
00:17:28,330 --> 00:17:29,890
You can just say, bye, guy.

171
00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:32,130
You know, I ain't here for it.

172
00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:34,390
And that's okay.

173
00:17:36,810 --> 00:17:40,230
I'm doing my best to also let go of expectations.

174
00:17:41,050 --> 00:17:42,730
You know, my fears around this

175
00:17:42,730 --> 00:17:46,110
are that somebody is just going to be way super hurt

176
00:17:46,110 --> 00:17:55,270
in ways that I don't mean or, you know, go nuclear over and God knows, you know.

177
00:17:55,590 --> 00:17:58,810
And it's like, I don't know why I need to be afraid of either of those things

178
00:17:58,810 --> 00:18:02,010
because I'm not actually trying to hurt anybody in this process.

179
00:18:02,490 --> 00:18:03,230
I'm not.

180
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:11,070
And as you spend time with me, maybe you'll understand that or won't.

181
00:18:11,410 --> 00:18:14,510
How you receive me and how you feel about me and what I'm doing

182
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,370
and what my motivations really are or not, you know,

183
00:18:17,490 --> 00:18:20,750
there is truth in that I could be lying to myself.

184
00:18:21,470 --> 00:18:28,770
And I'm forcing in one way and surrendering in another.

185
00:18:32,790 --> 00:18:38,890
I'm asserting my perspectives, I suppose,

186
00:18:39,630 --> 00:18:43,990
in one hand because I'm expressing.

187
00:18:44,510 --> 00:18:48,010
expressing things that I haven't known how to express,

188
00:18:48,390 --> 00:18:52,830
or I've come to the point where I don't think it's going to be received.

189
00:18:52,990 --> 00:18:59,230
I'm learning a lot about knocking on closed doors, I guess you could say,

190
00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:03,790
and about the dance between the waxing and the waning

191
00:19:03,790 --> 00:19:08,370
that we have with people in the world and ourselves.

192
00:19:08,970 --> 00:19:14,270
Because receptivity and openness fluctuate with people.

193
00:19:14,510 --> 00:19:21,010
And the more that I learn to understand that dance, the more I understand why that dance might be happening,

194
00:19:21,230 --> 00:19:26,170
the more I can understand how that might move. The more I can move with that dance,

195
00:19:26,990 --> 00:19:28,990
try not to force,

196
00:19:28,990 --> 00:19:30,990
just allow.

197
00:19:33,110 --> 00:19:35,770
But the things inside of me do want expression,

198
00:19:36,290 --> 00:19:43,330
but it's important to me that they not be just for harm, okay? If I'm making mistakes on some level in that,

199
00:19:44,510 --> 00:19:52,050
I will learn and I will try to grow through it because that's what I'm here for.

200
00:19:53,590 --> 00:20:01,070
Because the things that I care about the most is the growth that I see in myself and other people

201
00:20:01,070 --> 00:20:09,450
and the willingness. Whether I think I've stumbled hard or not, and I have all kinds of opinions

202
00:20:09,450 --> 00:20:13,290
about whether I have or not in different times in my life.

203
00:20:13,350 --> 00:20:15,050
I am definitely not a perfect person.

204
00:20:15,750 --> 00:20:19,850
I can look back and see that I have been completely unconscious

205
00:20:19,850 --> 00:20:25,390
to the effects that I may have been having on other people

206
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:28,670
because I was lost in a different perspective,

207
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,770
in a place of pain,

208
00:20:35,290 --> 00:20:38,990
sometimes consumed by it to where I really couldn't see other perspectives.

209
00:20:39,450 --> 00:20:43,150
But I don't see myself as an intentional bad guy person.

210
00:20:43,150 --> 00:20:47,950
I may just be forgetting about the times I was like just a mean fucker, you know.

211
00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:49,990
I don't know.

212
00:20:50,011 --> 00:20:58,891
myself as that. But I can also see where I've done things that like that version of me might not have

213
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:07,471
understood or meant or been being reactionary. And I'd easily excuse myself for something that

214
00:21:07,471 --> 00:21:16,651
really maybe I shouldn't. But I've grown so much and I keep growing. And I know that I felt that

215
00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:24,051
about other people in my life and even articulated is that I care less about if you fuck up or if you

216
00:21:24,051 --> 00:21:31,171
get it wrong, you know, is I care more about like, well, who are you now? Did you learn? What are you

217
00:21:31,171 --> 00:21:36,871
actually, you know, trying to embody at this point? Who are you now? Because we are not the same person

218
00:21:36,871 --> 00:21:42,471
from day to day. We change. And believing that people can't change, won't change, will keep you

219
00:21:42,471 --> 00:21:47,211
from trying to change and it'll keep you from accepting that other people or allowing that

220
00:21:47,211 --> 00:21:53,711
they might be able to change you know and those perceptions can also cause you to make a lot of

221
00:21:53,711 --> 00:22:00,291
very poor decisions in my opinion and I'm allowed to have my opinion and you're allowed to have yours

222
00:22:00,291 --> 00:22:08,011
and I can respect that you have yours and I respect my own whether you do or not you know

223
00:22:08,011 --> 00:22:11,991
but I would invite you to because I'm offering that to you.

224
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:16,391
I've said before, you can love me or hate me, like me, despise me,

225
00:22:16,791 --> 00:22:23,031
need me, you know, being sensed, but I don't know.

226
00:22:23,131 --> 00:22:27,451
I don't, your feelings about me, honestly,

227
00:22:28,731 --> 00:22:30,551
and this is what I've learned about my feelings.

228
00:22:30,771 --> 00:22:32,671
My feelings come from inside myself.

229
00:22:33,571 --> 00:22:37,771
It doesn't mean that other people are always nice or have my best interests.

230
00:22:38,011 --> 00:22:46,351
heart so it's very easy to create a narrative to say well you know well they

231
00:22:46,351 --> 00:22:52,131
deserve this and they don't deserve that and blah blah blah you know this is

232
00:22:52,131 --> 00:22:54,871
where the conversations about judgment and discernment are going to come into

233
00:22:54,871 --> 00:23:07,571
play and I'm gonna start with the closest relationships are family boy you

234
00:23:07,571 --> 00:23:13,091
know anyway I'm I'm not going to sit here and rehash every little interaction

235
00:23:13,091 --> 00:23:17,891
in all of my life with everybody but I'll use a couple examples that might

236
00:23:17,891 --> 00:23:26,771
seem very confronting maybe but I want to talk about what I thought I perceived

237
00:23:26,771 --> 00:23:31,691
how I thought about it and how my understanding and perspective might have

238
00:23:31,691 --> 00:23:43,991
evolved or has evolved over time and I'm using these examples because the ones

239
00:23:43,991 --> 00:23:48,811
that affect us the most let's put it this way that the bonds that are oldest

240
00:23:48,811 --> 00:23:56,051
the ties that are oldest the cuts they're the oldest are the ones that you

241
00:23:56,051 --> 00:24:00,451
have with the people that you have known your whole life that you have known the

242
00:24:00,451 --> 00:24:07,531
longest and usually that's family siblings relatives you know or if you

243
00:24:07,531 --> 00:24:11,831
live in one place long enough lifelong friends and you know other people I

244
00:24:11,831 --> 00:24:18,811
didn't stay in one community so I don't under I don't understand in so far as I

245
00:24:18,811 --> 00:24:23,251
haven't experienced that just being you know growing up in one place and knowing

246
00:24:23,251 --> 00:24:26,191
the whole same set of people so the closest that I have to that is just my

247
00:24:26,191 --> 00:24:36,151
family. You know, and I have had observations that I haven't chosen to

248
00:24:36,151 --> 00:24:43,071
confront people with because I didn't know how that could be received well or

249
00:24:43,071 --> 00:24:51,911
done in a way that was constructive. And I didn't want to just use it as a weapon,

250
00:24:51,911 --> 00:24:56,771
you know or something like that I'm thinking about the first example we're

251
00:24:56,771 --> 00:25:01,671
going to talk about but the reason is because I have a lot of understanding

252
00:25:01,671 --> 00:25:05,531
with the people closest to me since we went through a lot of the same

253
00:25:05,531 --> 00:25:13,851
experiences but I'm also coming to understand just like I said about twins

254
00:25:14,911 --> 00:25:19,131
my experience and somebody extremely close to me going through the same

255
00:25:19,131 --> 00:25:26,571
things does not mean that they experienced it the same way or that it

256
00:25:26,571 --> 00:25:30,231
wasn't colored by experiences that I didn't have with them and you know it's

257
00:25:30,231 --> 00:25:39,251
like everybody receives a different version of everybody else you know every

258
00:25:39,251 --> 00:25:46,791
person I know has received a slightly different version of me and and that's

259
00:25:46,791 --> 00:25:53,511
not on purpose it's just how it is and it's that way I think with all of us to

260
00:25:53,511 --> 00:26:10,465
some degree it can be on purpose it can be but a lot of it really isn it um I guess it just part of our our um survival programming you know in the architecture of you know of the human animal in mind

261
00:26:11,665 --> 00:26:16,825
But, you know, cause I've talked a bit on trauma and trauma responses and, oh, I don't

262
00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:21,685
know if I've actually said this, but like, um, when you talk about trauma, some people

263
00:26:21,685 --> 00:26:27,205
think about big T trauma and then they discount little T trauma, but there's a cumulative trauma

264
00:26:27,205 --> 00:26:34,505
over time that's as profound, if not more profound, as entrenched, if not more so, because

265
00:26:34,505 --> 00:26:40,765
it's been, you know, seeping its way through you for, you know, such a long period of time.

266
00:26:43,005 --> 00:26:48,845
I also don't like comparison games very much, you know, well, this trauma versus that trauma,

267
00:26:49,105 --> 00:26:55,485
and using that as an excuse to say that this has earned significance in order to, because

268
00:26:55,485 --> 00:27:00,545
what you're doing is you're removing significance from things that actually do carry significance.

269
00:27:02,205 --> 00:27:04,145
And the trauma isn't your enemy.

270
00:27:04,985 --> 00:27:10,285
I mean, the ability to have these responses are here for survival reasons in the human animal.

271
00:27:12,565 --> 00:27:15,885
So they're primal and they're there for good reasons,

272
00:27:16,385 --> 00:27:22,705
but we have the ability to be self-aware of what these things are and how they work.

273
00:27:22,705 --> 00:27:29,445
there's many things about how the human mind and the human body work and work together

274
00:27:29,445 --> 00:27:36,985
that color and create your experience that are worth understanding because if you understand a

275
00:27:36,985 --> 00:27:45,265
little bit about the architecture and mechanism of how you experience your reality you will learn

276
00:27:45,265 --> 00:27:52,245
two very important things seriously like on a more fundamental level than you might understand

277
00:27:52,245 --> 00:27:59,245
them already one is how you can be manipulated and are being manipulated

278
00:27:59,245 --> 00:28:02,925
more you know I mean we're we're in a world of manipulation and we do it with

279
00:28:02,925 --> 00:28:09,925
each other consciously and unconsciously so manipulation but then also agency

280
00:28:09,925 --> 00:28:15,305
control self-control you cannot control the outside world and what's going to

281
00:28:15,305 --> 00:28:22,125
come at you but if you understand how you manifest your perception of what's

282
00:28:22,125 --> 00:28:27,905
coming at you and I'm not talking about just the physical senses how you feel the touch and you see

283
00:28:27,905 --> 00:28:34,065
the seas and you know all of that absolutely comes into it but also like the thoughts and

284
00:28:34,065 --> 00:28:40,405
the narratives and the understandings and perspectives and how they influence and color

285
00:28:40,405 --> 00:28:49,065
and help create your experience of what's coming in you change your understanding about something

286
00:28:49,065 --> 00:28:51,045
You can change the way you feel about it.

287
00:28:51,245 --> 00:28:55,465
You understand why you feel a way about something or how that might manifest.

288
00:28:56,465 --> 00:29:00,325
That gives you a lot of agency in controlling and regulating.

289
00:29:02,405 --> 00:29:08,365
So, you know, this is why I'll talk about like mental and emotional diets when it comes to like what you take in and content wise.

290
00:29:08,905 --> 00:29:17,785
And you will find I have found, you know, that this will also reveal like psychological addictions and things in you worth exploring.

291
00:29:17,785 --> 00:29:20,485
Like, why do I want to keep feeding myself this?

292
00:29:21,125 --> 00:29:25,425
You know, and okay, why am I excited about this one and not that?

293
00:29:25,485 --> 00:29:29,085
And why do I make these choices from an emotional place?

294
00:29:29,745 --> 00:29:30,885
You can learn a lot.

295
00:29:31,005 --> 00:29:34,185
I mean, getting curious about yourself is super important.

296
00:29:35,085 --> 00:29:37,265
And I would still want to convince you.

297
00:29:37,645 --> 00:29:39,025
I don't know if I want to convince you.

298
00:29:39,065 --> 00:29:45,085
I want to encourage you to look at the possibility of what that might actually do for you.

299
00:29:45,085 --> 00:30:12,625
If you learn not to be judgmental of yourself and just more curious about yourself, curious enough to be willing to see things that you might find uncomfortable, but even those things, if you take the time to sit with them, you might find that they come from a place that you can understand more deeply and more fully that will make you feel differently even about those.

300
00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:17,865
because seeing the things that you hide from yourself

301
00:30:17,865 --> 00:30:19,385
and understanding yourself

302
00:30:19,385 --> 00:30:25,565
is how you heal yourself psychologically, emotionally,

303
00:30:25,565 --> 00:30:28,705
because you're healing, or spiritually even,

304
00:30:28,765 --> 00:30:32,025
because you're healing the relationship that you have to yourself

305
00:30:32,025 --> 00:30:34,785
at a subconscious, deep level.

306
00:30:38,145 --> 00:30:39,845
And there's everything in you,

307
00:30:39,845 --> 00:30:43,605
especially if you have some real deep or real serious wounds,

308
00:30:43,805 --> 00:30:45,345
whether you're aware of them or not,

309
00:30:45,625 --> 00:30:48,905
whether you have some big T or little T trauma that you know about or not,

310
00:30:49,005 --> 00:30:53,405
you know, or complex trauma or labels, labels, labels, labels, labels, labels.

311
00:30:53,405 --> 00:30:56,825
We'll talk about labels and language and symbology.

312
00:30:56,825 --> 00:31:02,065
And I see connections between so many different things in life because it is,

313
00:31:02,205 --> 00:31:06,785
to me, all one thing, you know, different and only seeming.

314
00:31:06,905 --> 00:31:08,205
I've picked up that little phrase.

315
00:31:08,205 --> 00:31:26,218
I like it because you know I starting to understand how that might be and how our understanding of like you know like back with energetic exchanges between people like how your strong narratives about like the in the right and in the wrong

316
00:31:26,218 --> 00:31:31,818
create a separation that doesn't let you see that

317
00:31:31,818 --> 00:31:36,098
there's a connection between those two

318
00:31:36,098 --> 00:31:38,158
that you're not noticing.

319
00:31:40,998 --> 00:31:42,078
There is.

320
00:31:43,738 --> 00:31:44,898
And it's okay.

321
00:31:46,898 --> 00:31:50,398
I have a feeling that some of the things that I'm going to talk about

322
00:31:50,398 --> 00:31:54,138
are going to be confronting, and I don't mean just to individuals

323
00:31:54,138 --> 00:31:58,718
in my life that may or may not see them because and that isn't the point but just generally

324
00:31:58,718 --> 00:32:03,858
you know you some people are going to have very strong feelings i think they're either going to

325
00:32:03,858 --> 00:32:08,038
really like me or they're really going to hate me or they're going to maybe they'll be ambivalent

326
00:32:08,038 --> 00:32:13,978
i don't know but i i know that the things that i'm talking about are difficult enough for me

327
00:32:13,978 --> 00:32:20,138
have been difficult enough for me that they're going to be difficult for a lot of people

328
00:32:20,138 --> 00:32:28,498
because I'm, you know, part of it is like, yeah, you know, your answers are within you and blah,

329
00:32:28,538 --> 00:32:32,858
blah, blah. I'm not really telling you what the answers are or where you will find them.

330
00:32:32,998 --> 00:32:36,198
I'm just going to relate to you, like how this stuff is working for me

331
00:32:36,198 --> 00:32:46,418
and how I'm relating to myself on the journey and how I have that narrative about myself.

332
00:32:46,418 --> 00:32:52,018
is a useful and helpful narrative for me

333
00:32:52,018 --> 00:32:55,898
because it offers me a way

334
00:32:55,898 --> 00:32:59,518
to see myself with more love and acceptance

335
00:32:59,518 --> 00:33:04,338
and to care for myself and nurture myself

336
00:33:04,338 --> 00:33:08,798
more authentically and be more and more comfortable

337
00:33:08,798 --> 00:33:11,338
with who I am and who I am becoming

338
00:33:11,338 --> 00:33:15,478
and love myself because

339
00:33:15,478 --> 00:33:18,018
it's not selfish

340
00:33:18,018 --> 00:33:20,158
it's the most selfless thing you can do

341
00:33:20,158 --> 00:33:22,618
why would I say that?

342
00:33:22,638 --> 00:33:23,178
well for one

343
00:33:23,178 --> 00:33:25,198
it's like you're the one person

344
00:33:25,198 --> 00:33:27,818
that you need to have that relationship with

345
00:33:27,818 --> 00:33:30,158
and know how to have that relationship with

346
00:33:30,158 --> 00:33:32,398
because it is the one and only truly

347
00:33:32,398 --> 00:33:35,258
ultimately intimate relationship that you have

348
00:33:35,258 --> 00:33:37,658
is the one with you

349
00:33:37,658 --> 00:33:42,478
and the better you get at navigating that

350
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:46,878
and coming to peace with who you are and loving yourself,

351
00:33:47,598 --> 00:33:55,078
that process is going to teach you how to look at everyone and everything else in life

352
00:33:55,078 --> 00:34:00,838
with more understanding, accepting, and loving and caring eyes.

353
00:34:06,238 --> 00:34:11,418
And we'll talk about people and the way that we move collectively

354
00:34:11,418 --> 00:34:16,418
and the strong human needs for connection and identity

355
00:34:16,418 --> 00:34:24,218
and conflict and barriers to understanding

356
00:34:24,218 --> 00:34:27,978
and maybe other ways to approach conflict.

357
00:34:29,438 --> 00:34:31,198
Love Down Babylon, right?

358
00:34:31,398 --> 00:34:33,158
That's the name of the podcast here.

359
00:34:33,518 --> 00:34:34,838
Can't fight hate with hate.

360
00:34:35,058 --> 00:34:35,998
It's just more hate.

361
00:34:36,298 --> 00:34:37,678
Can't fight war with war.

362
00:34:38,178 --> 00:34:39,318
It's just more war.

363
00:34:39,318 --> 00:34:42,038
You can't fight fear with fear.

364
00:34:42,698 --> 00:34:44,918
Don't bring conflict to conflict.

365
00:34:45,558 --> 00:34:47,098
And I think I've said bring solutions.

366
00:34:47,798 --> 00:34:50,378
Bring understanding where there is not understanding.

367
00:34:52,578 --> 00:34:59,698
Offer to hear the people that you want to hear you.

368
00:35:02,198 --> 00:35:06,438
Give what you want to receive and see what happens.

369
00:35:06,438 --> 00:35:14,578
there's a lot of talk out there in you know spiritual community whether it goes in new age

370
00:35:14,578 --> 00:35:22,298
or occult or you know or a religious of the multitude and plethora of different like

371
00:35:22,298 --> 00:35:27,978
religious expressions out there you know never never mind like you know the sex and divisions

372
00:35:27,978 --> 00:35:36,338
and denominations in one particular religion or branch it's the trees and they are much of

373
00:35:36,338 --> 00:35:51,718
them are very related to each other you know well drinky drinky time so story

374
00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:59,838
and I don't have to name names and make things obvious for people so that people

375
00:35:59,838 --> 00:36:05,858
who have no business in any of these stories have any reason I I still I'm

376
00:36:05,858 --> 00:36:09,538
It's like, don't treat people a certain way.

377
00:36:09,538 --> 00:36:13,898
Not, I mean, I don't know.

378
00:36:13,898 --> 00:36:15,638
Here I am admonishing.

379
00:36:15,638 --> 00:36:17,878
You do what you will.

380
00:36:17,878 --> 00:36:39,131
But I going to strongly suggest that the lesson here is not to hate on people just because you see them in a certain light The lesson here is that understanding matters and even not being able to understand realizing

381
00:36:39,131 --> 00:36:47,251
that you can't necessarily know certain things. And also learning to let go of

382
00:36:47,251 --> 00:37:00,851
the need to even fight about it you know to let go of things okay I could say a

383
00:37:00,851 --> 00:37:05,131
story about a person that might paint them in a certain light that you know

384
00:37:05,131 --> 00:37:10,371
they or you or somebody might take in a negative way you know paint them with a

385
00:37:10,371 --> 00:37:15,131
brush that doesn't really become them well you know that can be done to me too

386
00:37:15,131 --> 00:37:20,231
in certain aspects and certain isolated incidents in my life.

387
00:37:20,911 --> 00:37:22,771
Nobody is a single facet.

388
00:37:22,771 --> 00:37:28,771
There is so much more to a person than just the one thing that you see in one moment.

389
00:37:30,011 --> 00:37:33,171
There's so much inside of us and we are so complicated

390
00:37:33,171 --> 00:37:36,031
that you might see certain things manifest

391
00:37:36,031 --> 00:37:42,471
that you can say are toxic or negative and bad in some way, you know.

392
00:37:42,471 --> 00:38:03,191
But you got to be careful that you're saying that because somebody does something that you could say is bad or negative or toxic or wrong or evil or whatever label or paintbrush you want to give a certain thing, you know, does not define who the person is.

393
00:38:03,191 --> 00:38:09,311
So because somebody does a wrong thing, doesn't make them a wrong person.

394
00:38:10,431 --> 00:38:12,711
Doesn't make them a bad person.

395
00:38:13,611 --> 00:38:20,351
It may be a person who is not healthy and therefore not acting healthy.

396
00:38:20,551 --> 00:38:21,931
This hurt people, hurt people thing.

397
00:38:22,211 --> 00:38:24,031
And it's not excusing what people do.

398
00:38:24,271 --> 00:38:25,531
It's not making it all right.

399
00:38:26,311 --> 00:38:28,151
This is the discernment part.

400
00:38:28,271 --> 00:38:31,231
It's like, you don't need to be a part of these things, you know?

401
00:38:31,231 --> 00:38:33,571
and your reactions can be valid,

402
00:38:33,691 --> 00:38:35,251
but you've got to cut the line.

403
00:38:36,431 --> 00:38:39,331
Or I want to teach you how to draw the line

404
00:38:39,331 --> 00:38:42,851
between saying, I don't like this behavior

405
00:38:42,851 --> 00:38:44,371
and I'm not going to be a part of it

406
00:38:44,371 --> 00:38:47,571
and you're a bad person because of it.

407
00:38:47,871 --> 00:38:52,011
Because there is so much truth behind that saying

408
00:38:52,011 --> 00:38:53,231
that hurt people hurt people.

409
00:38:53,851 --> 00:38:57,611
And just because you don't agree with where that hurt took them

410
00:38:57,611 --> 00:39:00,791
because they're taking it out on you in your perception,

411
00:39:01,231 --> 00:39:06,511
doesn't mean that they didn't start out as somebody who got hurt.

412
00:39:07,111 --> 00:39:10,211
And, you know, regardless of like how that worked out for them,

413
00:39:10,291 --> 00:39:11,911
it's like they were that person.

414
00:39:12,571 --> 00:39:15,071
And if they can heal those things in themselves,

415
00:39:15,351 --> 00:39:21,551
they are capable of returning back to a person who doesn't do those things.

416
00:39:22,311 --> 00:39:23,491
People can heal.

417
00:39:23,731 --> 00:39:27,131
And if you don't allow for the fact that it is a possibility,

418
00:39:27,131 --> 00:39:28,811
even if it's not likely,

419
00:39:28,811 --> 00:39:31,731
but it is something that people can actually do.

420
00:39:32,391 --> 00:39:34,971
You can spend more time encouraging people to do it

421
00:39:34,971 --> 00:39:40,831
than feeding back into the little cycles and loops

422
00:39:40,831 --> 00:39:42,371
that keep those things going

423
00:39:42,371 --> 00:39:43,831
because the way that we react

424
00:39:43,831 --> 00:39:48,311
to other people's hurtful projections of pain

425
00:39:48,311 --> 00:39:50,471
when we get,

426
00:39:51,011 --> 00:39:52,891
when we perceive ourselves to be hurt by them

427
00:39:52,891 --> 00:39:54,531
because most of this is just words in there.

428
00:39:55,091 --> 00:39:57,831
I mean, most of this isn't physical violence

429
00:39:57,831 --> 00:39:59,951
but it can come to that too, you know.

430
00:40:03,971 --> 00:40:05,671
But what I'm saying is

431
00:40:05,671 --> 00:40:11,651
we can feed the monster without realizing it

432
00:40:11,651 --> 00:40:15,751
and be part of the problem without realizing it

433
00:40:15,751 --> 00:40:20,011
and understanding these things in ourselves and each other

434
00:40:20,011 --> 00:40:22,251
as part of a greater narrative

435
00:40:22,251 --> 00:40:26,271
that includes a lot more than what we see right in front of each other

436
00:40:26,271 --> 00:40:28,671
or what we're experiencing directly with each other

437
00:40:28,671 --> 00:40:32,171
will open you up to understanding that

438
00:40:32,171 --> 00:40:35,911
most of this stuff is not actually personal or about you.

439
00:40:36,311 --> 00:40:39,091
Even if you might have invited it unconsciously.

440
00:40:39,551 --> 00:40:42,571
But you can learn things about yourself about how that might happen.

441
00:40:43,431 --> 00:40:45,291
So that you can stop inviting it.

442
00:40:45,951 --> 00:40:48,671
And not hate yourself for inviting it.

443
00:40:49,231 --> 00:40:52,791
And you might also come to some realization that you've perpetrated.

444
00:40:52,791 --> 00:40:56,491
you know and that's super confronting

445
00:40:56,491 --> 00:41:00,471
people who hurt other people often have an

446
00:41:00,471 --> 00:41:03,871
internal narrative that doesn't include them being the bad guy

447
00:41:03,871 --> 00:41:08,891
they have justifications and they have strong feelings and they believe

448
00:41:08,891 --> 00:41:11,251
you know

449
00:41:11,251 --> 00:41:16,311
I'll talk about my perceptions on that and my

450
00:41:16,311 --> 00:41:18,631
evolving understanding on that sort of stuff too

451
00:41:18,631 --> 00:41:22,871
so

452
00:41:22,871 --> 00:41:26,411
I don't know

453
00:41:26,411 --> 00:41:28,391
surrender

454
00:41:28,391 --> 00:41:30,931
I'm gonna surrender my attachment

455
00:41:30,931 --> 00:41:32,071
and my fears

456
00:41:32,071 --> 00:41:34,171
of outcomes

457
00:41:34,171 --> 00:41:37,411
I'm just gonna be as honest as I can

458
00:41:37,411 --> 00:41:39,071
and trust

459
00:41:39,071 --> 00:41:39,991
and

460
00:41:39,997 --> 00:41:46,177
that my perspectives have brought me to as close to a place of care as I can

461
00:41:46,177 --> 00:41:53,617
manage through these things. And maybe by sharing that with you, you might learn

462
00:41:53,617 --> 00:42:00,357
not only to receive whatever narratives you hear with a bit of love, you might

463
00:42:00,357 --> 00:42:06,117
also see parallels and examples in your own life, and it might open your

464
00:42:06,117 --> 00:42:13,617
perspectives to possibilities for you that's a gift I'm hoping that you can

465
00:42:13,617 --> 00:42:32,497
take from it but maybe not maybe I'm just fooling myself you know okay this

466
00:42:32,497 --> 00:42:39,037
one's a little uncomfortable because it isn't something that happened that is

467
00:42:39,037 --> 00:42:44,877
happening to me in the example that I'm giving but it's something that I can

468
00:42:44,877 --> 00:42:55,897
understand because of because of my experiences in the same context boy

469
00:42:55,897 --> 00:43:01,837
talking around stuff a lot right now my puppy wants my attention here

470
00:43:01,837 --> 00:43:12,697
so in my family as we were growing up getting ready and getting out the door to do things and

471
00:43:12,697 --> 00:43:19,777
you've got I'm the oldest of five children and then my mother and my father my father would get

472
00:43:19,777 --> 00:43:25,857
really upset you know as people were trying to get ready you know whatever it was or even you

473
00:43:25,857 --> 00:43:29,597
know just trying to get ready to go to school or trying to get ready to do anything um you know

474
00:43:29,597 --> 00:43:31,037
And it wasn't just my father, too.

475
00:43:32,437 --> 00:43:36,517
You know, I think that we all learn to be upset with each other about these things a little bit.

476
00:43:40,057 --> 00:43:45,657
But there was irony in the fact that sometimes my father was the reason,

477
00:43:46,097 --> 00:43:49,897
and he was not accepting that and blaming everybody else

478
00:43:49,897 --> 00:43:55,737
because he was angry because of the repercussions of, you know, on him or how he was being seen.

479
00:43:55,817 --> 00:43:56,217
I don't know.

480
00:43:56,557 --> 00:43:58,697
But I know that he was projecting that onto us.

481
00:43:58,697 --> 00:44:07,577
his, you know, frustration about it and even anger and, you know, that energy that, you

482
00:44:07,577 --> 00:44:10,217
know, it was not nice to live with that.

483
00:44:10,517 --> 00:44:16,517
And I've learned so, I only learned about a year ago that I have ADHD and what that even

484
00:44:16,517 --> 00:44:24,477
means and time blindness and how profound that is, you know, and, and I understand most

485
00:44:24,477 --> 00:44:30,077
people have a very difficult time processing, you know, even talking about that as anything

486
00:44:30,077 --> 00:44:35,897
but making excuses for yourself because of the way that most, a lot of people have been

487
00:44:35,897 --> 00:44:39,157
taught about, you know, punctuality and personal responsibility.

488
00:44:39,157 --> 00:44:42,537
And it's like, I own the fact that this is something that I have to deal with.

489
00:44:42,657 --> 00:44:47,237
And I guess the best way I can mitigate it is try to minimize the places in my life where

490
00:44:47,237 --> 00:44:50,657
that's going to cause friction with people.

491
00:44:50,657 --> 00:44:59,937
and that's very difficult to do you know when punctuality is a very complicated issue and i

492
00:44:59,937 --> 00:45:06,397
think that the adhd lens opened me up to understanding a bit about time blindness and

493
00:45:06,397 --> 00:45:12,297
things but it also has helped me to understand that there's a lot of crossover between and i

494
00:45:12,297 --> 00:45:19,337
don't have a diagnosis of complex ptsd but um i would be very unsurprised if i sought one that i

495
00:45:19,337 --> 00:45:25,237
didn't readily receive one, but I don't know if I need the label or not. It's the understanding

496
00:45:25,237 --> 00:45:33,297
that I have through these concepts and what I've learned through these things that has opened me

497
00:45:33,297 --> 00:45:39,417
up in a lot of ways. I have had a lot of varied experiences in life, and I've been very attentive

498
00:45:39,417 --> 00:45:48,897
to my experiences in ways that I really didn't realize that I really have. I don't know why I

499
00:45:48,897 --> 00:45:53,997
notice the things that I do or why the things that are important to me are necessarily. But like,

500
00:45:53,997 --> 00:46:00,337
I, uh, I have taken something from so many experiences, cognitive experiences,

501
00:46:00,617 --> 00:46:06,537
emotional experiences that, you know, that now in my life, you know, can, um,

502
00:46:07,177 --> 00:46:10,157
kind of synthesize a different kind of perspective for me.

503
00:46:11,757 --> 00:46:18,397
And, you know, we are all here with our different perspectives and our different lenses. And so

504
00:46:18,397 --> 00:46:24,357
So, you know, sharing that with each other, I think, is part of what?

505
00:46:25,737 --> 00:46:28,957
Part of the beauty in life, part of something we have to offer each other.

506
00:46:30,417 --> 00:46:33,557
You don't, you know, so many people want to tell you things.

507
00:46:33,677 --> 00:46:34,557
They want to insist.

508
00:46:34,737 --> 00:46:38,457
And it's like, that's been a huge thing for me.

509
00:46:38,457 --> 00:46:45,097
You know, it's like people can tell me stuff, but I'm like, well, you know, I got to understand that.

510
00:46:45,297 --> 00:46:46,537
You know, I got to understand.

511
00:46:46,697 --> 00:47:15,410
I the why why why why Even if I not asking out loud I asking inside why exactly and trying to understand because I am very capable And where I have things that I struggle with a lot I also have some other things that I been blessed with too that maybe it really hard for me to understand how my experience and you know ability or inability in different areas really correlates or maps to other people experiences

512
00:47:15,410 --> 00:47:17,770
and it's probably all over the map.

513
00:47:18,530 --> 00:47:21,750
You know, comparison games, comparison games.

514
00:47:22,090 --> 00:47:24,850
They're so hard to get out of, you know.

515
00:47:25,330 --> 00:47:27,750
But I'm trying to have fun with recognizing them,

516
00:47:27,790 --> 00:47:31,030
even in myself, and the sense of humor matters for me

517
00:47:31,030 --> 00:47:33,010
because if I didn't have that, you know,

518
00:47:33,050 --> 00:47:35,710
I might not be able to do these things, you know.

519
00:47:35,950 --> 00:47:38,670
But I'm getting more and more of a sense of humor about it

520
00:47:38,670 --> 00:47:43,110
because I'm not here to hate myself or other people.

521
00:47:43,110 --> 00:47:45,270
I'm here to understand myself

522
00:47:45,270 --> 00:47:47,730
and the more that I do

523
00:47:47,730 --> 00:47:49,810
the more that I see the beautiful things

524
00:47:49,810 --> 00:47:51,870
about myself and a few ugly things

525
00:47:51,870 --> 00:47:53,830
but the things

526
00:47:53,830 --> 00:47:55,650
that I see in myself that I don't like

527
00:47:55,650 --> 00:47:57,850
I can exercise them

528
00:47:57,850 --> 00:47:59,910
from a place of understanding

529
00:47:59,910 --> 00:48:01,850
instead of a place of self-hate

530
00:48:01,850 --> 00:48:03,830
so I don't reject them from my

531
00:48:03,830 --> 00:48:05,890
understanding of who and what

532
00:48:05,890 --> 00:48:08,070
I am. I understand where they come from

533
00:48:08,070 --> 00:48:09,390
and can

534
00:48:09,390 --> 00:48:11,710
see, hold, and love either the wounds

535
00:48:11,710 --> 00:48:15,430
or the genuine emotional needs or the processing,

536
00:48:16,110 --> 00:48:18,670
the results of how I process things, whatever.

537
00:48:19,290 --> 00:48:23,930
I can accept what is about me and being aware of it,

538
00:48:24,170 --> 00:48:26,530
I get to choose.

539
00:48:27,330 --> 00:48:28,910
It doesn't choose for me.

540
00:48:30,990 --> 00:48:33,250
And I'm learning, the more I know myself,

541
00:48:33,810 --> 00:48:37,270
the more I am in the driver's wheel of my life,

542
00:48:37,330 --> 00:48:40,590
but the only thing I have control over is this car.

543
00:48:40,590 --> 00:48:55,270
So like knowing myself matters because if I'm placing the fulcrum of my actions outside of myself, trying to affect anything out here is really shifting me all around.

544
00:48:55,270 --> 00:49:08,910
And it's not centering myself. It's moving myself away from center. So if I can bring the fulcrum of my actions inside myself and be the fulcrum of my life, we are anyway.

545
00:49:08,910 --> 00:49:24,150
But, you know, as a metaphor, if I'm putting that leverage inside, I can actually change my own self through my greater understanding and acceptance of perspectives on myself and the world.

546
00:49:25,050 --> 00:49:30,970
You know, growth is not comfortable, but it gets better and easier.

547
00:49:30,970 --> 00:49:33,890
and there are things that you might not like,

548
00:49:34,010 --> 00:49:36,030
but then you move through it

549
00:49:36,030 --> 00:49:39,190
and then you realize how much you gained from that.

550
00:49:40,250 --> 00:49:41,950
You know, this phrase, wisdom cuts.

551
00:49:43,550 --> 00:49:45,550
It cuts until it doesn't have to.

552
00:49:47,050 --> 00:49:49,390
And the more you go through the process,

553
00:49:49,650 --> 00:49:52,910
the more you start to learn that it's okay

554
00:49:52,910 --> 00:49:55,050
and that the cuts heal.

555
00:49:56,650 --> 00:49:58,530
But the wisdom stays with you.

556
00:49:58,530 --> 00:50:00,150
the medicine is

557
00:50:00,150 --> 00:50:01,950
this is you know

558
00:50:01,950 --> 00:50:04,590
the medicine in your pain

559
00:50:04,590 --> 00:50:05,970
is what you learn

560
00:50:05,970 --> 00:50:07,170
you touch the hot stove

561
00:50:07,170 --> 00:50:10,750
and it hurts but that does go away

562
00:50:10,750 --> 00:50:12,150
unless you really fuck up

563
00:50:12,150 --> 00:50:13,710
but what I'm saying is

564
00:50:13,710 --> 00:50:16,890
it's temporary even if it's intense

565
00:50:16,890 --> 00:50:18,690
it passes

566
00:50:18,690 --> 00:50:20,430
but then you have that

567
00:50:20,430 --> 00:50:22,930
a word I've heard a lot

568
00:50:22,930 --> 00:50:24,190
is inner standing

569
00:50:24,190 --> 00:50:26,110
not understanding oh yeah that's going to hurt

570
00:50:26,110 --> 00:50:27,570
but you don't really understand

571
00:50:27,570 --> 00:50:29,850
because you haven't got tied it to your experience

572
00:50:29,850 --> 00:50:34,290
and then you do that and you're like, oh, no.

573
00:50:35,030 --> 00:50:39,690
You know, and that is trauma response learning, right?

574
00:50:39,930 --> 00:50:45,230
You know, survival instinct, survival hard wiring,

575
00:50:45,510 --> 00:50:46,510
or wiring anyway.

576
00:50:50,090 --> 00:50:54,610
We act mostly.

577
00:50:57,570 --> 00:51:06,410
The reaction, pattern, program, script, subconscious things,

578
00:51:07,630 --> 00:51:10,590
physical things even that are tied to that

579
00:51:10,590 --> 00:51:15,850
because that's the nature of the human animal and the brain.

580
00:51:16,150 --> 00:51:18,470
And being in this physical experience,

581
00:51:19,010 --> 00:51:22,230
a lot of those things are there and they're there for very good reasons.

582
00:51:22,230 --> 00:51:26,730
And they, like knowledge they can say can cut both ways.

583
00:51:26,730 --> 00:51:29,110
or any, you know, tools can be good or bad.

584
00:51:29,150 --> 00:51:30,830
You learn these things, you know,

585
00:51:31,250 --> 00:51:36,190
and the things that can help us

586
00:51:36,190 --> 00:51:37,470
can wind up hurting us too

587
00:51:37,470 --> 00:51:40,930
because we're evolving here

588
00:51:40,930 --> 00:51:43,390
and we have a greater experience

589
00:51:43,390 --> 00:51:46,830
than a completely unconscious experience

590
00:51:46,830 --> 00:51:48,630
because a completely unconscious experience

591
00:51:48,630 --> 00:51:49,830
is all autopilot

592
00:51:49,830 --> 00:51:52,110
without contemplation or understanding.

593
00:51:52,310 --> 00:51:54,870
It's just, you know, it's all hot stoves

594
00:51:54,870 --> 00:52:10,883
and not understanding that things that might hurt in different ways or feel threatening are temporal They contextual So you can learn something in a situation that would be

595
00:52:10,883 --> 00:52:17,063
a survival strategy and you can learn it unconsciously as a child. And then that will

596
00:52:17,063 --> 00:52:23,203
haunt you the rest of your life because that is in you so deep that it's well below your conscious

597
00:52:23,203 --> 00:52:29,583
awareness. But all of your decisions, actions, and even your thoughts really kind of like percolate

598
00:52:29,583 --> 00:52:35,003
from inside of you or driven by things inside of you. The thoughts that just come, you know,

599
00:52:35,483 --> 00:52:41,583
not the contemplative ones, but the intrusive ones, mostly are driven and tied to emotions

600
00:52:41,583 --> 00:52:47,903
and the narratives around those things, right? So if your body is physically triggered by things,

601
00:52:48,443 --> 00:52:55,843
or your subconscious is triggered by things in a situation, it's what I mean by temporal is like,

602
00:52:55,843 --> 00:53:01,303
You know, I would say my subconscious isn't dumb or bad for driving me off a cliff.

603
00:53:01,983 --> 00:53:03,903
It just is living in the past.

604
00:53:04,003 --> 00:53:06,783
It doesn't understand the difference between then and now.

605
00:53:08,303 --> 00:53:14,463
Because the unconscious is out of time, I believe, you know, or at least that's a way

606
00:53:14,463 --> 00:53:15,923
I'm kind of learning to see it.

607
00:53:16,483 --> 00:53:21,763
So, you know, you're three, you're five, you're seven, whatever age you are, when something

608
00:53:21,763 --> 00:53:25,443
or 20 or 24 or 37,

609
00:53:25,943 --> 00:53:30,063
whenever something impacts you in a profound enough way

610
00:53:30,063 --> 00:53:32,083
that it changes something inside of you

611
00:53:32,083 --> 00:53:38,383
in an immediate PTSD way or a long-term conditioning sort of way

612
00:53:38,383 --> 00:53:40,003
or however you get there,

613
00:53:43,763 --> 00:53:47,603
that is going to want to seek expression,

614
00:53:48,363 --> 00:53:49,983
that self-protective thing.

615
00:53:49,983 --> 00:53:55,443
in every situation that has cues that make it think it's that,

616
00:53:55,583 --> 00:53:57,583
even if it isn't, even if they're similar,

617
00:53:57,703 --> 00:53:59,303
even if the context is different,

618
00:53:59,403 --> 00:54:01,863
but the little essence of it is the same.

619
00:54:02,383 --> 00:54:04,043
But the consequences come, you know,

620
00:54:04,043 --> 00:54:09,043
the consequences are only attached to the context.

621
00:54:10,383 --> 00:54:11,563
Words and stuff.

622
00:54:13,143 --> 00:54:16,183
Sometimes I'm good with words and they come flowing right out.

623
00:54:16,903 --> 00:54:19,563
Other times they get tangled and trip a bit.

624
00:54:19,983 --> 00:54:21,503
Because, I don't know, I'm a human.

625
00:54:21,823 --> 00:54:22,163
Whatever.

626
00:54:25,143 --> 00:54:27,343
I'm glad to be, you know.

627
00:54:31,503 --> 00:54:32,583
Could have been an apple.

628
00:54:34,583 --> 00:54:35,643
Could have been a dog.

629
00:54:36,263 --> 00:54:38,263
Maybe those experiences are bliss.

630
00:54:38,763 --> 00:54:40,643
You know, you don't even have a consciousness as an apple,

631
00:54:41,483 --> 00:54:42,343
as far as I know.

632
00:54:45,783 --> 00:54:47,743
Although I have other perspectives.

633
00:54:47,743 --> 00:54:58,123
the thing about me with perspectives is that I realize that I have a strong ability to hold

634
00:54:58,123 --> 00:55:06,963
multiple ones as possibilities without necessarily subscribing to like this is the one or that is the

635
00:55:06,963 --> 00:55:15,583
one but these are could-bes and so I keep them open and that's been a powerful uh I don't know

636
00:55:15,583 --> 00:55:22,543
I don't know if that's something that everybody does or not and if that's different about I don't

637
00:55:22,543 --> 00:55:28,763
I don't really understand your experience exactly I know that the things that are inside me are

638
00:55:28,763 --> 00:55:34,863
probably similar but we are different enough that you know I'm not everybody's cup of tea or what

639
00:55:34,863 --> 00:55:41,503
works for me won't work for everybody maybe some of it is only just tailor-made for me and maybe

640
00:55:41,503 --> 00:55:46,103
Seeing that, you might learn that maybe there are certain answers that are only tailor-made for you.

641
00:55:46,743 --> 00:55:51,583
And give you the bravery and curiosity to want to go figure that out.

642
00:55:54,143 --> 00:55:56,063
I can only just be an example.

643
00:55:57,583 --> 00:56:01,423
And I also think that talking about this kind of stuff,

644
00:56:02,243 --> 00:56:06,803
our relationship with navigating ourself and each other in life,

645
00:56:06,803 --> 00:56:10,963
and trying to understand what it all means and stuff,

646
00:56:11,503 --> 00:56:15,123
benefits from being an open conversation

647
00:56:15,123 --> 00:56:16,963
because we're not really having one.

648
00:56:18,223 --> 00:56:20,163
No, I don't see it out there.

649
00:56:20,163 --> 00:56:22,003
I see less and less of that.

650
00:56:23,263 --> 00:56:24,303
Less and less.

651
00:56:25,263 --> 00:56:27,643
I see a lot of lists

652
00:56:27,643 --> 00:56:31,783
and rigid definitions and labels,

653
00:56:32,623 --> 00:56:36,383
but I don't see healing in any of the ones

654
00:56:36,383 --> 00:56:37,123
that I see out there.

655
00:56:37,223 --> 00:56:39,663
I see blame and justification

656
00:56:39,663 --> 00:56:42,023
and separation in most of them.

657
00:56:43,263 --> 00:56:47,463
I call narcissism or narcissist or the narc,

658
00:56:48,063 --> 00:56:50,683
the modern N word, you know,

659
00:56:51,123 --> 00:56:56,063
because it kind of, it is so derogatory

660
00:56:56,063 --> 00:57:00,023
and thrown around and used so dismissively.

661
00:57:01,463 --> 00:57:03,283
And you're like, yeah, but they're assholes.

662
00:57:03,403 --> 00:57:08,403
It's like, they're acting in an asshole-ish way

663
00:57:08,403 --> 00:57:11,143
and they might be in that mode for a while,

664
00:57:11,243 --> 00:57:27,377
but that not all that they are or capable of And maybe they not going to change Fine But you can also learn that whatever your self of your role is

665
00:57:27,937 --> 00:57:30,957
or who's right and who's wrong in a situation,

666
00:57:31,717 --> 00:57:36,457
the way that you choose to interact with that does also matter,

667
00:57:36,817 --> 00:57:41,197
and you can be absolutely in the right and still adding to the problem.

668
00:57:42,477 --> 00:57:51,597
learning to take ownership of our own hand in everything is important because, like I said,

669
00:57:51,597 --> 00:57:56,117
I see energetic exchanges between people as a participatory thing.

670
00:57:59,537 --> 00:58:02,677
And mostly, you know, we're reflecting.

671
00:58:05,057 --> 00:58:11,017
And learning how to see that in myself might be helpful.

672
00:58:11,017 --> 00:58:13,597
and you're learning how to see that in yourself.

673
00:58:15,477 --> 00:58:16,497
So here we go.

674
00:58:19,657 --> 00:58:21,517
Yeah, watching in real time,

675
00:58:21,577 --> 00:58:23,577
how long it takes me to get to saying a thing

676
00:58:23,577 --> 00:58:25,757
that, you know, I can't unsay.

677
00:58:26,177 --> 00:58:27,017
So here we go.

678
00:58:27,017 --> 00:58:31,557
In my family, we get all of this negative energy,

679
00:58:31,977 --> 00:58:35,077
strong negative energy around, you know,

680
00:58:35,137 --> 00:58:38,377
getting ready and blame and you're, you know,

681
00:58:38,437 --> 00:58:40,657
you're wrong, you're bad, you're, you know,

682
00:58:40,657 --> 00:58:49,957
defective for not, you know, you're, you know, it's not that like, you know, it's made about

683
00:58:49,957 --> 00:58:54,037
your identity. You know, it's like, you're an invalid person because you're not able to get

684
00:58:54,037 --> 00:58:59,977
your shit together on time. Right. And having that be like a constant daily, sometimes multiple

685
00:58:59,977 --> 00:59:05,417
times a day occurrence, maybe there's a date when it doesn't happen, but like such a common thing

686
00:59:05,417 --> 00:59:11,917
all your life and you have multiple people growing up in this situation and then you might have say

687
00:59:11,917 --> 00:59:19,257
some people have a problem with the time blindness and some don't and so you know

688
00:59:19,257 --> 00:59:21,937
it might

689
00:59:21,937 --> 00:59:30,157
be maybe you're the person that doesn't have problems with this but you're angry because

690
00:59:30,157 --> 00:59:36,077
you're being blamed and you're getting yelled at and you're being made extremely uncomfortable and

691
00:59:36,077 --> 00:59:42,897
it's painful and you know you might even be you're being blamed for stuff that you know you don't see

692
00:59:42,897 --> 00:59:48,397
as your fault it's like no but i'm the one who's it's not me and so not only do you get angry

693
00:59:48,397 --> 00:59:56,357
at the person who is angry at you for not you know or projecting angry at you and this is this is not

694
00:59:56,357 --> 01:00:02,497
me that I'm describing here. Okay. This is somebody else in a possibility, just a narrative.

695
01:00:02,497 --> 01:00:07,717
I don't know that this is this person's actual experience, but it's a narrative that helps me

696
01:00:07,717 --> 01:00:14,717
understand in a different way, how this thing that I'll talk about manifests later. So, you know,

697
01:00:14,777 --> 01:00:23,357
this person suffers a whole lot of this anger coming at them over something that isn't actually

698
01:00:23,357 --> 01:00:28,797
their personal failing and they know it and can see it because they can see not only the person

699
01:00:28,797 --> 01:00:35,097
who's mad at them being part of the problem but also getting upset with other siblings who can't

700
01:00:35,097 --> 01:00:42,177
get it together and not understanding either why they can't and picking up the narrative that

701
01:00:42,177 --> 01:00:50,937
is being fed to that person about you're a bad person and you're wrong and you know that all that

702
01:00:50,937 --> 01:00:56,437
angry energy coming at you, now you're starting to see these other people, it's like you're

703
01:00:56,437 --> 01:01:01,337
catching heat for them, you know, so it kind of also makes you pick up the being angry

704
01:01:01,337 --> 01:01:05,257
at people who can't get that together when it affects you, right?

705
01:01:05,477 --> 01:01:07,657
Because that's what my father is doing to everybody.

706
01:01:08,517 --> 01:01:15,537
He was angry about how it was going to affect him if we were late because, you know, seven

707
01:01:15,537 --> 01:01:20,237
people couldn't get all together and, you know, in the half hour or 15 minutes when,

708
01:01:20,237 --> 01:01:24,857
or whenever he suddenly realized we got to go and now we got to scramble whatever whatever but you

709
01:01:24,857 --> 01:01:31,737
get the idea right okay so we're all suffering under this same this same thing which is a cultural

710
01:01:31,737 --> 01:01:40,977
narrative that was handed to him and he probably suffered over it and internalized that and

711
01:01:40,977 --> 01:01:49,177
didn't want to be you know accused in anybody's eyes of being you know the cause of that and so

712
01:01:49,177 --> 01:01:53,077
it had to be other people's problems, you know, so he projected it on his whole family.

713
01:01:53,837 --> 01:01:58,737
And now you got a couple of siblings, say one of them doesn't and one of them does,

714
01:01:59,277 --> 01:02:05,997
or a couple do and a couple don't. I don't know who has what problems exactly, but so you have a

715
01:02:05,997 --> 01:02:12,177
person who grows up in that environment, extremely resentful of other people who are making them late

716
01:02:12,177 --> 01:02:18,597
when they made it a personal thing that like, I am not that and fuck you for telling me that's me

717
01:02:18,597 --> 01:02:21,057
and I'm not going to be the one that's why we're late

718
01:02:21,057 --> 01:02:25,177
and being very punctual and very focused on making sure

719
01:02:25,177 --> 01:02:29,597
that they're not to blame so that they don't receive that pain.

720
01:02:29,982 --> 01:02:38,542
So it's a wound inside a person that they're trying to protect by, it's super important for them not to be the reason.

721
01:02:39,102 --> 01:02:44,602
But when it's how they're going to be perceived or what's going to happen involves another person.

722
01:02:45,522 --> 01:02:50,742
So like, say one sibling lives with another sibling, you know, later in life.

723
01:02:50,742 --> 01:02:51,762
and

724
01:02:51,762 --> 01:02:58,962
you know thinking about this this might have also been

725
01:02:58,962 --> 01:03:00,942
because like you know I've been

726
01:03:00,942 --> 01:03:02,622
this other person too

727
01:03:02,622 --> 01:03:03,522
you know

728
01:03:03,522 --> 01:03:07,282
these people live together then the person who

729
01:03:07,282 --> 01:03:08,962
has

730
01:03:08,962 --> 01:03:10,822
the wound around it

731
01:03:10,822 --> 01:03:13,182
where they're rejecting

732
01:03:13,182 --> 01:03:14,882
that no that's not me

733
01:03:14,882 --> 01:03:16,842
and I can be on time

734
01:03:16,842 --> 01:03:19,382
and that becomes an outsized

735
01:03:19,382 --> 01:03:26,402
you're basically adopting the same thing unconsciously.

736
01:03:26,502 --> 01:03:29,422
It's like, except that maybe it isn't your fault,

737
01:03:29,502 --> 01:03:31,702
but you're still angry at other people

738
01:03:31,702 --> 01:03:34,542
if it affects you to where you become that thing

739
01:03:34,542 --> 01:03:36,042
that you were accused of that you're not

740
01:03:36,042 --> 01:03:38,482
and you've spent your life trying not to be, right?

741
01:03:38,602 --> 01:03:41,702
Late, the one that makes you tardy, okay?

742
01:03:42,122 --> 01:03:44,282
And so you get frustrated

743
01:03:44,282 --> 01:03:47,222
and whether your being is mean about it or not,

744
01:03:47,222 --> 01:03:52,682
you're still projecting that angry energy towards another person that you're in a situation with

745
01:03:52,682 --> 01:03:57,422
who now you're mad at them and resentful of them because they're making you late, right?

746
01:03:58,762 --> 01:04:09,602
Which is giving that person the exact same emotional environment that you both had from the parent.

747
01:04:09,602 --> 01:04:18,162
my father being angry at two of us, one with the problem and one not,

748
01:04:20,802 --> 01:04:29,662
recreates that again. And it perpetuates and carries on. And it's confronting because,

749
01:04:29,662 --> 01:04:35,542
you know, you could say the one sibling is like not aware of this and only really can understand

750
01:04:35,542 --> 01:04:37,122
or see it from the perspective of like,

751
01:04:37,462 --> 01:04:39,862
they're being hurt by this other person

752
01:04:39,862 --> 01:04:41,442
and they don't understand.

753
01:04:42,042 --> 01:04:43,262
And even, you know,

754
01:04:43,522 --> 01:04:45,482
because it doesn't match their experience.

755
01:04:45,482 --> 01:04:47,622
And so they just cannot conceive of it.

756
01:04:47,682 --> 01:04:49,262
And they grew up with the narrative

757
01:04:49,262 --> 01:04:50,702
that like that makes you bad

758
01:04:50,702 --> 01:04:52,702
and that you're in the wrong

759
01:04:52,702 --> 01:04:53,462
and that you're lazy

760
01:04:53,462 --> 01:04:55,102
or that you're not caring

761
01:04:55,102 --> 01:04:57,282
or you don't care how it's affecting this other person.

762
01:04:57,402 --> 01:05:01,142
So like you've adopted this narrative unconsciously.

763
01:05:01,802 --> 01:05:03,802
This other person may have, right?

764
01:05:03,802 --> 01:05:10,202
and then they're playing out the same narrative because like you know you're rejecting that

765
01:05:10,202 --> 01:05:13,882
possibility it's like well what if you are the person it's like does it make you a bad person

766
01:05:13,882 --> 01:05:21,802
does it you know if you're really trying anyway um and the problem for the persons on the other

767
01:05:21,802 --> 01:05:30,442
side at least for myself is that i internalized that where i was an internal narcissist towards

768
01:05:30,442 --> 01:05:39,162
myself you could say you know hating myself over it blaming myself over it destroying my

769
01:05:39,162 --> 01:05:47,802
self-worth because I was unworthy because I couldn't do this thing that I was supposed to

770
01:05:47,802 --> 01:05:55,822
do and it made me a bad and broken person and I adopt that narrative at an early early age to

771
01:05:55,822 --> 01:06:01,502
where it's in me so deep that I don't understand it, recognize it, or reconsider it, you know.

772
01:06:03,822 --> 01:06:08,262
You know, and so I perpetuate the same harm on myself through my life,

773
01:06:08,802 --> 01:06:17,242
and have a difficult time relating with, you know, people who I've learned through the narratives

774
01:06:17,242 --> 01:06:22,662
that I've been taught have every reason to be upset with me, you know, but they don't.

775
01:06:25,822 --> 01:06:29,902
It might mean that I'm not a fit for something where punctuality matters that much.

776
01:06:30,182 --> 01:06:34,302
And that can be a reality, but that doesn't have to be that I'm a bad person

777
01:06:34,302 --> 01:06:38,122
because I can't live up to that particular thing in life very well.

778
01:06:40,582 --> 01:06:46,242
And it's then so easy to be like, oh, now you're just leaning into excuses.

779
01:06:47,002 --> 01:06:51,562
I want to try for myself, for my own things.

780
01:06:51,622 --> 01:06:54,202
And there are things like you have to deal with the world.

781
01:06:54,202 --> 01:07:05,482
So learning how to mitigate it, you know, is important and possible and work that's worth trying to do and not giving yourself an excuse, myself an excuse not to try to find ways.

782
01:07:05,702 --> 01:07:11,402
And I have, you know, found ways that help, but I'm not going to be perfect at it.

783
01:07:11,422 --> 01:07:13,342
And I have to accept that.

784
01:07:13,462 --> 01:07:16,742
And not everybody is going to understand that about me.

785
01:07:16,762 --> 01:07:18,282
And I have to accept that.

786
01:07:18,282 --> 01:07:21,282
but part of what helped

787
01:07:21,282 --> 01:07:23,482
illuminate this to me is a long time

788
01:07:23,482 --> 01:07:25,402
ago I noticed like one sibling

789
01:07:25,402 --> 01:07:27,262
who doesn't have this problem

790
01:07:27,262 --> 01:07:29,182
living with another sibling who does

791
01:07:29,182 --> 01:07:31,222
and I can so

792
01:07:31,222 --> 01:07:33,342
immediately identify with

793
01:07:33,342 --> 01:07:34,902
this other person's experience

794
01:07:34,902 --> 01:07:37,082
struggling through this because

795
01:07:37,082 --> 01:07:52,602
that my experience and so I have a huge amount of compassion right which would make me naturally want to be like take that person side and say well you know you a victim and the other sibling is now now a perpetrator right and you

796
01:07:52,602 --> 01:07:59,102
know it's like in a way that might be what's happening but there's so much more

797
01:07:59,102 --> 01:08:03,582
to it than that right and this is unconscious probably on both parts

798
01:08:03,582 --> 01:08:05,882
because it was with me for a long, long time.

799
01:08:06,782 --> 01:08:09,082
So do I hate people for that?

800
01:08:10,022 --> 01:08:11,662
And I don't. I don't.

801
01:08:11,762 --> 01:08:13,682
I love every one of my siblings.

802
01:08:14,242 --> 01:08:16,122
I do very, very much.

803
01:08:16,402 --> 01:08:19,462
Even the ones that I'm in profound conflicts with.

804
01:08:21,402 --> 01:08:25,482
But my goal is to understand myself

805
01:08:25,482 --> 01:08:27,262
and understand the roots of these conflicts

806
01:08:27,262 --> 01:08:28,482
so that I can heal them.

807
01:08:28,962 --> 01:08:30,462
And I'm learning along the way.

808
01:08:30,462 --> 01:08:38,622
I went into trying to engage my family members on healing stuff because I found it so profound for me.

809
01:08:38,622 --> 01:08:47,862
And so I was excited about learning and gaining insights that I wanted to share, share, share and encourage.

810
01:08:48,562 --> 01:08:52,402
And what I was doing is I was confronting very, very hard.

811
01:08:52,922 --> 01:08:57,342
And maybe that wasn't necessarily being helpful.

812
01:08:57,682 --> 01:08:58,462
And I don't know.

813
01:08:58,462 --> 01:09:00,862
I'm not going to judge whether I was right or wrong

814
01:09:00,862 --> 01:09:01,962
my intentions were good

815
01:09:01,962 --> 01:09:05,082
but maybe I learned

816
01:09:05,082 --> 01:09:06,202
through this process too

817
01:09:06,202 --> 01:09:08,882
that there's a point where

818
01:09:08,882 --> 01:09:11,062
trying to push at those closed doors

819
01:09:11,062 --> 01:09:12,982
trying to chase after something that's

820
01:09:12,982 --> 01:09:14,962
waning

821
01:09:14,962 --> 01:09:17,082
and trying to wax towards it

822
01:09:17,082 --> 01:09:18,862
if you want to use the lunar analogy

823
01:09:18,862 --> 01:09:21,182
of waxing and waning or the tides coming in and out

824
01:09:21,182 --> 01:09:22,922
these things are true with other people

825
01:09:22,922 --> 01:09:24,682
and the more that you try to assert

826
01:09:24,682 --> 01:09:26,122
an idea or a position

827
01:09:26,122 --> 01:09:29,222
or something on somebody that's especially confronting

828
01:09:29,222 --> 01:09:30,662
and they don't want to receive it.

829
01:09:31,722 --> 01:09:34,282
And I'm not talking about this particular thing

830
01:09:34,282 --> 01:09:37,042
because I've never really articulated this particular observation.

831
01:09:37,522 --> 01:09:39,082
I've refrained from doing so.

832
01:09:40,422 --> 01:09:43,842
And especially refrained from doing so in anger and using it as a weapon.

833
01:09:43,962 --> 01:09:45,582
We'll see how you're a bad guy this way.

834
01:09:45,642 --> 01:09:49,582
It's like, no, because I'm learning that that isn't exactly what's really going on.

835
01:09:49,582 --> 01:10:01,422
there's so much more to it and the reason i'm using like this very personal you know

836
01:10:01,422 --> 01:10:05,842
familial kind of example is because you can take these understandings

837
01:10:05,842 --> 01:10:13,602
where they're really the deepest you know and the most intertwined and the most intricate and

838
01:10:13,602 --> 01:10:22,482
and covered by the most layers of illusion and delusion and misunderstanding and wounding.

839
01:10:22,482 --> 01:10:29,162
And there's so many layers that if you can get to the heart of some of what might be going on with that

840
01:10:29,162 --> 01:10:32,862
and elucidate that for yourself with those kind of relations,

841
01:10:32,862 --> 01:10:41,022
it really opens you up to how you might relate with your conflicts with other people in different ways.

842
01:10:41,022 --> 01:10:48,042
understanding that there's so much more that you don't understand and demonizing people is a problem

843
01:10:48,042 --> 01:10:55,502
even when you and most people might stand there and be able to say yeah you know from my perspective

844
01:10:55,502 --> 01:11:00,542
from your perspective from that narrative of course you're right and they're awful right

845
01:11:00,542 --> 01:11:09,322
you know and um that's a trap and that's a problem and this is whether you have a religious

846
01:11:09,322 --> 01:11:14,122
or spiritual view or not, this is why this is core to so many teachings about, you know,

847
01:11:14,122 --> 01:11:19,982
learning to, um, learning to forgive and let go, you know, or not take things personally

848
01:11:19,982 --> 01:11:22,282
because you start to understand that they're not.

849
01:11:22,502 --> 01:11:26,782
You react because we react because it feels personal, you know, because our narratives

850
01:11:26,782 --> 01:11:31,042
tell us that it's this when it is this.

851
01:11:31,042 --> 01:11:36,562
And a lot of times, even a greater understanding about how something developed within my, um,

852
01:11:36,562 --> 01:11:43,502
growing up with my siblings, shows me that this can be intergenerational, familial line

853
01:11:43,502 --> 01:11:50,662
programming, you know, lots of ways people talk about these things, intergenerational karma,

854
01:11:51,182 --> 01:11:59,182
you know, or bloodline karma issues, or family curse, you know, curses, stuff like that,

855
01:11:59,282 --> 01:12:04,282
because they do, in a way, you know, curse a whole family line, but it's not just families,

856
01:12:04,282 --> 01:12:10,582
It's cultures, you know, all kinds of manifestations of culture because there's culture within culture within culture.

857
01:12:11,162 --> 01:12:17,682
You know, there's there's a whole culture of people who like anime and there's a whole culture of people that, you know, live in Paraguay.

858
01:12:17,762 --> 01:12:20,702
And there's a whole culture of people that live in the USA.

859
01:12:21,322 --> 01:12:23,662
You know, you hear what I'm saying?

860
01:12:23,662 --> 01:12:28,542
people in the usa might be a part of a culture that's different from people

861
01:12:28,542 --> 01:12:35,782
in malaysia profoundly in some way or you know or bangkok or i don't know

862
01:12:35,782 --> 01:12:42,282
someplace far away on the other side of the world and very you know or in siberia living you know

863
01:12:42,282 --> 01:12:45,882
herding reindeer as you know one of the remaining people doing that kind of thing

864
01:12:45,882 --> 01:12:59,442
your culture may be vastly different but like there might be a culture a subculture within that has a lot of similarities You know there the culture of the people that like to make tools and you know fix the sleighs or fix the cars

865
01:13:00,042 --> 01:13:00,702
I don't know.

866
01:13:00,762 --> 01:13:03,662
I'm reaching here a bit, but you know what I'm trying to get at.

867
01:13:05,742 --> 01:13:07,222
Ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble.

868
01:13:07,722 --> 01:13:11,742
So I noticed this in somebody else.

869
01:13:13,202 --> 01:13:16,362
And at first, I kind of judged it a bit,

870
01:13:16,362 --> 01:13:19,522
but I've withheld a bit also.

871
01:13:19,982 --> 01:13:25,422
because the person that I see this in,

872
01:13:25,502 --> 01:13:27,502
I don't see them as an evil person,

873
01:13:27,662 --> 01:13:30,362
but I see them as a profoundly hurt person

874
01:13:30,362 --> 01:13:33,602
and unaware of, you know,

875
01:13:33,822 --> 01:13:38,642
self-hurt and hurting other people.

876
01:13:39,502 --> 01:13:40,742
And I don't know,

877
01:13:41,302 --> 01:13:43,062
I can't live that other person's life,

878
01:13:43,062 --> 01:13:45,462
but I don't hate them or demonize them over these things.

879
01:13:45,542 --> 01:13:48,082
I see like how the inversion happens.

880
01:13:48,082 --> 01:13:53,082
and if given the opportunity for open communication

881
01:13:53,082 --> 01:13:55,982
in a receptive kind of way to those ideas

882
01:13:55,982 --> 01:13:59,782
I would be happy to be of service and help this person

883
01:13:59,782 --> 01:14:02,622
see things like that in that kind of light

884
01:14:02,622 --> 01:14:07,622
because if you get told that you're wrong

885
01:14:07,622 --> 01:14:11,402
and you don't deserve love

886
01:14:11,402 --> 01:14:14,042
because of this or that

887
01:14:14,042 --> 01:14:16,142
you're not performing in enough ways

888
01:14:16,142 --> 01:14:21,442
and meeting whatever other people somebody else needs if you grow up in an environment where all

889
01:14:21,442 --> 01:14:27,322
of your love is conditional and you've had all of this like beat into you both sides of the

890
01:14:27,322 --> 01:14:38,582
narcissist empath paradigm uh are afflicted with pretty much a very similar wound right about um

891
01:14:38,582 --> 01:14:41,002
the validation of the self.

892
01:14:42,102 --> 01:14:44,102
And so one side

893
01:14:44,102 --> 01:14:48,542
seeks external validation

894
01:14:48,542 --> 01:14:49,802
from a wounded place

895
01:14:49,802 --> 01:14:52,462
of not being able to have it

896
01:14:52,462 --> 01:14:53,622
for themselves fully.

897
01:14:54,462 --> 01:14:55,342
You might, you know,

898
01:14:55,882 --> 01:14:57,402
think well of yourself

899
01:14:57,402 --> 01:14:58,362
and care about yourself

900
01:14:58,362 --> 01:14:59,082
in certain ways,

901
01:14:59,162 --> 01:15:00,542
but you're unaware of the fact

902
01:15:00,542 --> 01:15:01,162
that like, you know,

903
01:15:01,202 --> 01:15:03,622
you're really not in other ways

904
01:15:03,622 --> 01:15:04,962
and you're betraying yourself

905
01:15:04,962 --> 01:15:06,802
and sabotaging yourself all the time

906
01:15:06,802 --> 01:15:08,482
because you're playing out

907
01:15:08,482 --> 01:15:15,182
all of these narratives of how you had to survive being that bad person. And then you also beat

908
01:15:15,182 --> 01:15:21,582
yourself up over all of those things that you got beat up over, right? Same with the other side.

909
01:15:22,542 --> 01:15:26,922
You know, they say that the narcissist builds a self-identity that's like a false identity.

910
01:15:29,902 --> 01:15:37,622
Both sides are playing out a victim mentality underneath, owning that part of it. And there

911
01:15:37,622 --> 01:15:43,182
is a self-loathing or a self-hatred under both of them that can be pretty profound that neither

912
01:15:43,182 --> 01:15:51,242
wants to really face but can face and heal and one is an inversion of the other but it's the same

913
01:15:51,242 --> 01:15:59,762
energy it's the same distorted energy it's the coin it was shoved in you in your you know it's

914
01:15:59,762 --> 01:16:05,562
like i don't know what you know what i'm saying like these narratives and things were like not

915
01:16:05,562 --> 01:16:09,602
just handed to you. Sometimes they were like beating to you over time. Sometimes physically,

916
01:16:09,782 --> 01:16:12,562
sometimes just emotionally and psychologically.

917
01:16:16,382 --> 01:16:22,042
Disunderstanding matters because this is how we can start to understand and heal ourselves

918
01:16:22,042 --> 01:16:26,982
and forgive ourselves. And this process opens us up to being able to do that so much more

919
01:16:26,982 --> 01:16:35,382
for other people. And I'll talk more about like these kind of relationships, not necessarily

920
01:16:35,382 --> 01:16:38,502
at least being too specific about any one person or example.

921
01:16:39,542 --> 01:16:43,182
Only people close to these things might understand exactly who I'm talking about,

922
01:16:43,302 --> 01:16:49,142
and that's fine, because it doesn't need to be any less private than it, you know.

923
01:16:49,902 --> 01:16:52,442
It doesn't need to be any more public than it is,

924
01:16:52,442 --> 01:16:57,742
because one thing about stories and characters is,

925
01:16:57,862 --> 01:17:03,082
sometimes the story itself is more important than the characters in it,

926
01:17:03,082 --> 01:17:07,402
or the lessons from the narrative are even more important than the exact narrative or the exact

927
01:17:07,402 --> 01:17:11,422
characters. It's like, you know, what is there to be learned or what does it have to teach you

928
01:17:11,422 --> 01:17:25,442
is what actually matters. Well, my choo-choo just derailed. I don't know what I was going to say

929
01:17:25,442 --> 01:17:30,302
next. Oh, well. All these things are in me. They'll circle around and come back around.

930
01:17:30,302 --> 01:17:32,202
I've kept you for a little while

931
01:17:32,202 --> 01:17:34,682
I've given you a real life example

932
01:17:34,682 --> 01:17:35,742
of some observations

933
01:17:35,742 --> 01:17:38,322
so in the future

934
01:17:38,322 --> 01:17:40,782
when I'm confronted with that

935
01:17:40,782 --> 01:17:42,522
kind of energy whether from

936
01:17:42,522 --> 01:17:44,622
a sibling or somebody else

937
01:17:44,622 --> 01:17:46,582
I have the understanding

938
01:17:46,582 --> 01:17:48,242
that it's really not about me

939
01:17:48,242 --> 01:17:50,682
that this other person is actually really hurting

940
01:17:50,682 --> 01:17:51,862
and projecting that out

941
01:17:51,862 --> 01:17:54,702
because they can't accept it

942
01:17:54,702 --> 01:17:56,862
within because no that wasn't them

943
01:17:56,862 --> 01:17:57,902
it wasn't their fault

944
01:17:57,902 --> 01:18:13,462
and you know and to accept that you know would be painful and in I don know I not a psychologist I not I not pretending that I have all the answers

945
01:18:13,602 --> 01:18:16,762
I'm just trying to elucidate, you know,

946
01:18:16,822 --> 01:18:20,242
a way that I try to bring a greater perspective.

947
01:18:20,882 --> 01:18:24,522
And a lot of how I get there is being open to perspectives

948
01:18:24,522 --> 01:18:28,822
and being open enough to face myself

949
01:18:28,822 --> 01:18:32,622
and understand that even the things that I don't like,

950
01:18:34,262 --> 01:18:37,942
if I look at them, I can understand why they're there

951
01:18:37,942 --> 01:18:40,962
and maybe they're manifestations of something

952
01:18:40,962 --> 01:18:46,282
that might be toxic outside of ourselves or towards ourselves.

953
01:18:47,542 --> 01:18:49,922
But that understanding where they come from,

954
01:18:50,102 --> 01:18:55,122
we can see the wound, you can heal the wound.

955
01:18:55,222 --> 01:18:56,442
It doesn't mean that it's not there,

956
01:18:56,442 --> 01:19:21,302
But now when it speaks, you understand its language and you see it as telling you important things, but you can build a real context around them with understanding instead of let them build a context for you without you realizing and taking charge of your life because they're emergency responses.

957
01:19:21,302 --> 01:19:29,582
they're there if they're deep enough you know they're protecting you so they're sometimes even

958
01:19:29,582 --> 01:19:35,722
bringing your anxiety or your you know your your activation levels up whether you're going to fight

959
01:19:35,722 --> 01:19:40,102
or you're going to run or whatever you're going to do you know or your fear your anger or whatever

960
01:19:40,102 --> 01:19:45,862
it is is going to shut off your ability to think it out and you're just going to react i mean think

961
01:19:45,862 --> 01:19:52,342
about basic training right the whole idea you know other is other than you know breaking people down

962
01:19:52,342 --> 01:19:59,002
to rebuild them with the same shared experience and worldview to create forced trauma bonding and

963
01:19:59,002 --> 01:20:05,042
blah blah blah we can talk about stuff but the thing is like they intentionally put people who

964
01:20:05,042 --> 01:20:11,562
are going to be in traumatic situations like war through traumatic situations similar enough to the

965
01:20:11,562 --> 01:20:19,782
war and drill and teach them what to do in order to survive automatically. They intentionally

966
01:20:19,782 --> 01:20:28,422
program the trauma response over and over and as intensely as necessary or more so. But, you know,

967
01:20:28,482 --> 01:20:33,782
they get it done most of the time. And then the people who are faced with these traumatic things

968
01:20:33,782 --> 01:20:36,082
just react.

969
01:20:36,482 --> 01:20:38,042
Except the reactions have been

970
01:20:38,042 --> 01:20:39,382
pre-programmed.

971
01:20:39,682 --> 01:20:42,082
In order to serve

972
01:20:42,082 --> 01:20:44,582
saving them in a lot of cases

973
01:20:44,582 --> 01:20:46,462
because the military is not

974
01:20:46,462 --> 01:20:48,322
trying to waste a human resource even though

975
01:20:48,322 --> 01:20:49,602
they see you as an object,

976
01:20:50,322 --> 01:20:51,642
a resource, a thing.

977
01:20:53,502 --> 01:20:54,022
Disposable.

978
01:20:54,422 --> 01:20:55,142
Cannon fodder.

979
01:20:57,482 --> 01:20:57,682
But

980
01:20:57,682 --> 01:21:02,402
regardless of how

981
01:21:02,402 --> 01:21:08,562
that knowledge came to be they're tuned into that okay and there's a reason that they use that and

982
01:21:08,562 --> 01:21:15,242
it's effective and it creates soldiers who stay alive and continue to fight another day or you

983
01:21:15,242 --> 01:21:27,042
know soldiers who will get the job done even though it's scary so you know which can as so

984
01:21:27,042 --> 01:21:32,302
many traumatic experiences do actually have a lot of benefit for you in the long run you you know

985
01:21:32,302 --> 01:21:35,462
learn how to navigate hot stoves

986
01:21:35,462 --> 01:21:37,462
you're going to be a lot better at navigating

987
01:21:37,462 --> 01:21:39,282
other versions of hot stoves in your life

988
01:21:39,282 --> 01:21:40,302
you know

989
01:21:40,302 --> 01:21:42,862
through a particular kind of way or lens

990
01:21:42,862 --> 01:21:45,582
but what it is is in a traumatic situation

991
01:21:45,582 --> 01:21:47,562
this part of the thinky part

992
01:21:47,562 --> 01:21:49,062
of your brain shuts down

993
01:21:49,062 --> 01:21:51,322
which I've said before but you need to understand

994
01:21:51,322 --> 01:21:53,262
things about how you physiologically work

995
01:21:53,262 --> 01:21:55,202
in your body to understand yourself and

996
01:21:55,202 --> 01:21:57,302
others and be more

997
01:21:57,302 --> 01:21:59,322
compassionate about knowing what's really going

998
01:21:59,322 --> 01:22:01,002
on and

999
01:22:01,002 --> 01:22:08,802
and being a little detached from the reactiveness because the reactiveness is real and it's there

1000
01:22:08,802 --> 01:22:14,142
and it manifests way in all kinds of things. You know, even when you're not in a highly activated

1001
01:22:14,142 --> 01:22:20,502
state, you know, your psychology is doing this constantly too. You don't make a decision

1002
01:22:20,502 --> 01:22:27,362
consciously. The truth is that you make most all of your decisions unconsciously. You have a stimulus

1003
01:22:27,362 --> 01:22:35,262
comes in and it's about you know five maybe 500 milliseconds or something similar to that before

1004
01:22:35,262 --> 01:22:40,462
you like created an understanding or a conscious awareness in your mind but a lot of that what

1005
01:22:40,462 --> 01:22:45,602
becomes that first awareness of it in the in what is lagging immediately behind that moment

1006
01:22:45,602 --> 01:22:51,502
is the program paths and stuff and sometimes it's like oh setting off the alarms in the emergency

1007
01:22:51,502 --> 01:22:57,322
that's going to cause a physiological change in you and that's going to cause your body to go

1008
01:22:57,322 --> 01:23:00,262
we need fight or flight, shut down your thinking

1009
01:23:00,262 --> 01:23:01,882
and act on what we learned

1010
01:23:01,882 --> 01:23:03,582
trauma wise to stay safe

1011
01:23:03,582 --> 01:23:06,042
or do that emotionally in an

1012
01:23:06,042 --> 01:23:08,162
environment, right? So your body loves

1013
01:23:08,162 --> 01:23:09,942
you because it wants to stay alive

1014
01:23:09,942 --> 01:23:10,802
you know

1015
01:23:10,802 --> 01:23:14,242
the military, whether it loves you in other ways

1016
01:23:14,242 --> 01:23:16,102
or not, wants you to stay alive so you can still

1017
01:23:16,102 --> 01:23:17,582
you know, be there to

1018
01:23:17,582 --> 01:23:19,982
support the mission that they

1019
01:23:19,993 --> 01:23:25,113
have for you, whatever it is. And your body's mission is to stay alive, you know, and get on

1020
01:23:25,113 --> 01:23:31,273
and get along as best it can. And then do whatever other biological stuff it wants to do, you know,

1021
01:23:31,313 --> 01:23:33,673
if you want to look at it from that human animal perspective.

1022
01:23:36,733 --> 01:23:42,693
So understanding things helps you understand what you may or may not be able to do about stuff,

1023
01:23:42,693 --> 01:23:49,173
how to work with stuff, how to heal things, how to cognitively process these things in a way

1024
01:23:49,173 --> 01:23:56,713
that allows you to approach them because the things inside you that program you in these ways

1025
01:23:56,713 --> 01:24:03,313
also know they're in your subconscious they know all of you they know how to hide from you they

1026
01:24:03,313 --> 01:24:11,893
know how to lie to you and what i was saying is that they show that like the intention to move

1027
01:24:11,893 --> 01:24:18,833
your hand or something happens before you're cognitively aware of making the decision so

1028
01:24:18,833 --> 01:24:24,913
what's really happening is that mostly your programming is generating your actions and then

1029
01:24:24,913 --> 01:24:30,133
the mind is coming up afterwards making up a story that sounds real good to itself about why

1030
01:24:30,133 --> 01:24:36,053
yeah i did that because of this and i made that choice and sometimes you're aware and conscious

1031
01:24:36,053 --> 01:24:41,413
and your narrative is correct about why that happened but the truth is mostly it's running

1032
01:24:41,413 --> 01:24:48,513
up afterwards giving you a likely story and it's giving itself a likely story so of course it's

1033
01:24:48,513 --> 01:24:54,313
going to be sold on that story, whether it's true or not. Whether you're really consciously aware of

1034
01:24:54,313 --> 01:24:58,553
all these or not. So the more you are aware of yourself, the more your story about yourself is

1035
01:24:58,553 --> 01:25:03,373
going to be honest. And the more your story about yourself is going to be honest, that's going to

1036
01:25:03,373 --> 01:25:08,193
give you the greater understanding to like be able to have an honest story or a closer to honest

1037
01:25:08,193 --> 01:25:29,208
story about what really going on with other people rather than just living out the reactive stories that you been handed down your whole life Okay I think this is enough for an episode because I decided to podcast blog Anyway I love you I hope you get something out

1038
01:25:29,208 --> 01:25:34,068
of this. If you're a person who sees yourself in any way, whether you're a part of my family,

1039
01:25:34,228 --> 01:25:40,088
in these sort of dynamics, I implore you, no matter what narrative you identify with,

1040
01:25:40,088 --> 01:25:43,568
to see yourself and other people with a little bit more loving

1041
01:25:43,568 --> 01:25:48,548
and compassionate and understanding lens.

1042
01:25:49,548 --> 01:25:52,548
A little less judgment, a little more understanding.

1043
01:25:54,908 --> 01:25:57,388
It's not about excusing bad decisions,

1044
01:25:57,928 --> 01:26:00,588
but demonizing people over them.

1045
01:26:01,588 --> 01:26:03,188
I don't think it's appropriate

1046
01:26:03,188 --> 01:26:09,048
because things happen.

1047
01:26:10,088 --> 01:26:11,928
that make those things possible.

1048
01:26:12,188 --> 01:26:17,428
And what people learn that makes them do things that you wouldn't do,

1049
01:26:18,028 --> 01:26:22,768
they might not even be able to face because then they'd be horrified with themselves.

1050
01:26:23,008 --> 01:26:25,728
And part of them maybe is, and that's why they can't face it.

1051
01:26:27,088 --> 01:26:33,448
Part of the reason that I couldn't face some of my own demons about my own self-worth

1052
01:26:33,448 --> 01:26:37,228
were because those wounds were hurtful.

1053
01:26:37,228 --> 01:26:39,068
They were really deep and painful.

1054
01:26:39,068 --> 01:26:45,488
and looking at my own hand in perpetuating that with myself,

1055
01:26:47,808 --> 01:26:57,108
you know, was the lie and the source of recreating it for myself over and over again.

1056
01:26:57,108 --> 01:27:00,908
That emotional feeling of hating myself over it,

1057
01:27:01,648 --> 01:27:06,548
feeling like a failure, incapable, not being able to believe in myself or trust myself

1058
01:27:06,548 --> 01:27:10,288
because I let myself down in certain ways over and over

1059
01:27:10,288 --> 01:27:26,502
that I taught myself I not reliable and there for me but I am there for me and I I am so there for me and I come to really learn how to see that and love myself for it and has built my trust

1060
01:27:26,502 --> 01:27:34,902
and love with myself it's built my relationship and it's so much stronger by understanding all

1061
01:27:34,902 --> 01:27:40,302
of me and learning how to love me through all of my imperfections.

1062
01:27:44,962 --> 01:27:46,162
And I love you.

1063
01:27:48,422 --> 01:27:49,202
I do.

1064
01:27:49,942 --> 01:27:52,362
I wouldn't be sharing this with you if I didn't.

1065
01:27:54,062 --> 01:28:02,402
Because part of being the change isn't just trying to be a better version of myself, not

1066
01:28:02,402 --> 01:28:03,482
because I'm trying to perform.

1067
01:28:03,482 --> 01:28:10,202
I'm just trying to be authentic with myself and taking the angle of what I my heart wants to see

1068
01:28:10,202 --> 01:28:17,542
I want it in me because I understand that it's what's in me what consciously or unconsciously

1069
01:28:17,542 --> 01:28:27,062
for all parties involved is being communicated out of myself all the time and we are reflections

1070
01:28:27,062 --> 01:28:32,342
of each other and so if I want better reflections in the world if I want something better in the

1071
01:28:32,342 --> 01:28:37,822
world. I want to put better into the world. So I'm working on myself, taking whatever baby steps

1072
01:28:37,822 --> 01:28:43,842
along the way. And when I stumble and fall, I catch myself, hold myself. I love myself anyway,

1073
01:28:44,342 --> 01:28:52,522
forgive myself, pick myself back up and walk some more. Maybe sometimes I need a hand. Maybe

1074
01:28:52,522 --> 01:28:57,122
sometimes I'm here and I can lend a hand. And if this is a way that I can offer you a hand,

1075
01:28:57,122 --> 01:29:04,122
here I am. Your attention and your time, I love you for that, because that's your life energy.

1076
01:29:04,122 --> 01:29:19,876
You could have just wasted part of the last wasted spent given me even if I not here to see it a part of your life energy your time which you don get back So that the most valuable thing you have and I grateful to you for that

1077
01:29:20,636 --> 01:29:22,176
You want to reciprocate in other ways?

1078
01:29:22,636 --> 01:29:23,356
There's other ways.

1079
01:29:23,516 --> 01:29:24,416
You can look into that.

1080
01:29:26,336 --> 01:29:27,356
But this is a gift.

1081
01:29:29,536 --> 01:29:30,736
You want to pay it forward?

1082
01:29:31,656 --> 01:29:32,796
Go ahead and pay it forward.

1083
01:29:33,596 --> 01:29:35,836
If you think it was good for you, share it with somebody.

1084
01:29:38,436 --> 01:29:41,456
You don't have to pay me back.

1085
01:29:42,096 --> 01:29:43,556
If you feel you want to, go right ahead.

1086
01:29:44,236 --> 01:29:48,056
But I don't think that this necessarily is what's going to support me in my life.

1087
01:29:48,416 --> 01:29:55,956
We'll talk more about manifestation and following your inner compass and all that soon.

1088
01:29:58,336 --> 01:30:01,636
Because there's a lot of things in this story of me.

1089
01:30:02,056 --> 01:30:05,736
I'm a very multifaceted person and I want to show you different parts of myself.

1090
01:30:05,736 --> 01:30:12,976
you know because I don't know I'm looking at myself in my life as an artistic expression at

1091
01:30:12,976 --> 01:30:21,576
this point I'm going with it and so you know if I'm a crazy diamond I'm trying to shine

1092
01:30:21,576 --> 01:30:28,816
so that I can inspire you to shine on you crazy little diamonds because it is how I see you

1093
01:30:28,816 --> 01:30:35,936
okay

1094
01:30:35,936 --> 01:30:38,256
loving you

1095
01:30:38,256 --> 01:30:40,276
and be love

1096
01:30:40,276 --> 01:30:41,556
to yourself

1097
01:30:41,556 --> 01:30:43,696
and as best you can

1098
01:30:43,696 --> 01:30:46,696
to yourself and everybody else

1099
01:30:46,696 --> 01:30:49,736
and I will see you

1100
01:30:49,736 --> 01:30:50,816
or you will see me

1101
01:30:50,816 --> 01:30:51,596
or hear me

1102
01:30:51,596 --> 01:30:52,476
again

1103
01:30:52,476 --> 01:30:54,756
when you do

1104
01:30:54,756 --> 01:30:56,236
probably soon

1105
01:30:56,236 --> 01:30:57,976
because I've got so many things

1106
01:30:57,976 --> 01:31:04,716
I do I can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on

1107
01:31:04,716 --> 01:31:10,756
and I'm outie see you later be well