1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,520 All right, we pushed record. 2 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:15,940 Everything in life is a road. 3 00:00:19,940 --> 00:00:20,620 Everything. 4 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,380 There are a few destinations. 5 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:29,740 And if you look at anything in life as a destination, 6 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,440 you're going to frustrate yourself. 7 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,320 Happiness is not a destination. 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:42,560 It's scenery that you get to enjoy and remember and hold dear. 9 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,580 And maybe you got to share it. 10 00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:53,020 Those are the moments, you know, among the moments that we can look back on 11 00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:57,860 and think, wow, that climb was worth it. 12 00:00:57,860 --> 00:01:03,620 but life is full spectrum 13 00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:06,140 anybody 14 00:01:06,140 --> 00:01:10,120 on a healing journey 15 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:13,040 is 16 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,380 you know 17 00:01:15,380 --> 00:01:18,540 you need to be honest with yourself 18 00:01:18,540 --> 00:01:20,020 and if 19 00:01:20,020 --> 00:01:23,000 you want to encourage other people 20 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,620 to go on a journey 21 00:01:24,620 --> 00:01:26,740 you have to be honest with the fact that 22 00:01:26,740 --> 00:01:28,300 It's not easy. 23 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:38,100 And sometimes you just have to remind yourself that it is worth it. 24 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,000 And it's hard sometimes. 25 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:52,160 I said, walking away, sometimes it takes a few tries. 26 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,200 And yeah, it's true. 27 00:01:55,200 --> 00:02:00,520 it's hard enough to walk away when you want to walk away from something 28 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:04,240 when you already have the resolve to 29 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:11,720 it's even harder when it's the last thing that you want to do 30 00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:20,760 when you were praying that you would never have to 31 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:26,720 knowledge and wisdom 32 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:27,880 wisdom cuts 33 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:32,160 sometimes 34 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:37,060 because 35 00:02:37,060 --> 00:02:40,460 you gain wisdom sometimes through pain 36 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:41,000 knowledge 37 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,000 knowledge 38 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,500 is a powerful tool 39 00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:46,640 but tools can be used 40 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,160 for good or ill 41 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,860 they can work for or against you 42 00:02:49,860 --> 00:02:52,220 knowledge can be dangerous 43 00:02:52,220 --> 00:02:54,640 knowledge can make you think 44 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,660 that you've got it all figured out 45 00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:58,600 that you're better than somebody 46 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,200 who doesn't have as much knowledge 47 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,360 so knowledge can lead to ego 48 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,620 and knowledge can lead to hubris 49 00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:12,500 my dog 50 00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:18,240 so 51 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:23,560 the heart gets heavy still sometimes. 52 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,780 But it's okay. 53 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:29,640 I'll be okay. 54 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,640 I'm recording this 55 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:43,360 at a moment where I was surprised 56 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,720 and faced with that decision. 57 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,340 Letting go. 58 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:54,920 Allowing. 59 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:01,620 These are facets of love that aren't always easy to practice. 60 00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:08,380 I got mad at my mother one time a long, long time ago. 61 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,020 Way before I understood why. 62 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:17,080 We're talking like 30. 63 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:19,840 I was in my 20s, so 30 plus years ago. 64 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,360 And I was going to be late for this job. 65 00:04:24,540 --> 00:04:25,920 I mentioned this job in the podcast. 66 00:04:26,060 --> 00:04:28,180 I worked at this place called Bridge Information Systems. 67 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,040 It was super cool, fancy technology. 68 00:04:32,260 --> 00:04:33,400 I was excited about it. 69 00:04:36,620 --> 00:04:39,240 I learned a lot of different things. 70 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:44,360 And not just about technology, but also about like people and stuff there. 71 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,360 But I don't want to get into that right now. 72 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:54,960 the story with my mother was that she wanted to make an excuse for me when I was late. 73 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,720 There was a time when I don't remember what the circumstances were off the top of my head, 74 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,440 but I wound up staying with my parents again for a short while. 75 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,700 Well, maybe about a year, regardless. 76 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:16,657 She wanted to make an excuse for me and I got upset I like no I want you to let me face my own consequences 77 00:05:17,497 --> 00:05:21,037 I want you to let me work it out for myself, you know? 78 00:05:30,757 --> 00:05:32,877 And, you know, I understand. 79 00:05:33,017 --> 00:05:35,117 She wanted to protect me, right? 80 00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:39,057 but she was protecting me from myself 81 00:05:39,057 --> 00:05:40,937 now 82 00:05:40,937 --> 00:05:46,857 there's a whole other topic 83 00:05:46,857 --> 00:05:49,317 about the ADHD and time blindness 84 00:05:49,317 --> 00:05:51,277 and my realizations around that 85 00:05:51,277 --> 00:05:55,477 but whether or not it was something that 86 00:05:55,477 --> 00:05:58,237 I had legitimate struggles with or not 87 00:05:58,237 --> 00:06:01,617 there were still implications on how I related to myself 88 00:06:01,617 --> 00:06:03,497 and with other people over it 89 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:07,937 in either case 90 00:06:07,937 --> 00:06:09,517 I needed to 91 00:06:09,517 --> 00:06:11,677 face 92 00:06:11,677 --> 00:06:14,097 myself, my own 93 00:06:14,097 --> 00:06:15,937 karma with it 94 00:06:15,937 --> 00:06:17,637 and work through it 95 00:06:17,637 --> 00:06:20,517 karma meaning consequences 96 00:06:20,517 --> 00:06:23,697 of how other people would feel about it 97 00:06:23,697 --> 00:06:26,097 whether they would understand or not 98 00:06:26,097 --> 00:06:27,097 you know 99 00:06:27,097 --> 00:06:30,197 whether that was 100 00:06:30,197 --> 00:06:31,617 the make or break thing 101 00:06:31,617 --> 00:06:35,057 for that particular job. 102 00:06:35,117 --> 00:06:37,257 I left that job for other reasons later. 103 00:06:39,577 --> 00:06:43,697 But I really, I was excited about it, 104 00:06:44,157 --> 00:06:45,657 and I learned a lot from it. 105 00:06:46,257 --> 00:06:48,037 It was quite an interesting environment. 106 00:06:51,437 --> 00:06:54,357 But this isn't about that place or what I learned there. 107 00:06:56,577 --> 00:06:59,157 This is about doing the hard things. 108 00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:02,737 even when I can't 100, you know, 109 00:07:02,877 --> 00:07:04,217 part of me wants to be like, 110 00:07:04,277 --> 00:07:05,757 are you sure you're doing the right thing? 111 00:07:06,437 --> 00:07:10,097 You know, it can feel cruel sometimes. 112 00:07:12,617 --> 00:07:13,937 But I'm not cruel. 113 00:07:15,497 --> 00:07:16,317 I'm not. 114 00:07:16,317 --> 00:07:30,117 you can love somebody 115 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:35,497 and still 116 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:39,037 have to let them go 117 00:07:39,037 --> 00:07:41,517 have to let them 118 00:07:41,517 --> 00:07:43,377 figure it out 119 00:07:43,377 --> 00:07:45,017 for themselves 120 00:07:45,017 --> 00:07:48,117 and stop trying to do it for them. 121 00:07:49,617 --> 00:07:52,777 Even when that can be really, really hard. 122 00:07:54,777 --> 00:07:56,277 It's an act of love 123 00:07:56,277 --> 00:08:02,457 towards myself and the other person. 124 00:08:07,177 --> 00:08:08,517 To be truthful. 125 00:08:15,017 --> 00:08:23,257 And this other person might think that I'm abandoning them, rejecting them. 126 00:08:24,157 --> 00:08:25,477 I don't love them. 127 00:08:29,737 --> 00:08:31,137 It's not true. 128 00:08:33,417 --> 00:08:35,297 I'm my puppy who wants to play. 129 00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,857 I'm grateful for you in my life too, Milo. 130 00:08:40,417 --> 00:08:41,257 You're a good little dog. 131 00:08:41,357 --> 00:08:42,057 I'm going to throw your toy. 132 00:08:42,437 --> 00:08:43,017 Go get it. 133 00:08:43,017 --> 00:08:47,037 and he looks at it because he doesn't want her to talk to the phone. 134 00:08:51,857 --> 00:08:54,397 Life is a road. Healing is a road. 135 00:08:55,457 --> 00:08:57,237 Relationships are work and a road. 136 00:08:57,237 --> 00:09:00,077 Everything is a road, but there's something else. 137 00:09:01,217 --> 00:09:02,917 They're not in a straight line. 138 00:09:04,017 --> 00:09:08,237 They go around and around and they circle back 139 00:09:08,237 --> 00:09:12,077 on the same themes, the same topics. 140 00:09:12,077 --> 00:09:15,297 sometimes with the same situation and people 141 00:09:15,297 --> 00:09:18,217 sometimes with different situations and people 142 00:09:18,217 --> 00:09:21,977 sometimes I can see how 143 00:09:21,977 --> 00:09:25,417 so many of these different situations 144 00:09:25,417 --> 00:09:29,377 and different people and different relationships 145 00:09:29,377 --> 00:09:31,337 echo each other 146 00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:36,977 echo pieces of me too 147 00:09:42,077 --> 00:09:49,237 alchemy is a way of life and it's not always easy alchemy meaning emotional processing 148 00:09:49,237 --> 00:09:59,857 the idea of turning lead into gold spiritual lead of the heavy heart into the gold of an open heart 149 00:09:59,857 --> 00:10:01,537 of gold 150 00:10:01,537 --> 00:10:06,137 I don't feel that way all the time 151 00:10:06,137 --> 00:10:08,437 you know 152 00:10:08,437 --> 00:10:10,717 I make mistakes 153 00:10:10,717 --> 00:10:12,517 I don't always get it right 154 00:10:12,517 --> 00:10:15,397 I may not be getting it right 155 00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:18,997 but I'm trying very hard 156 00:10:18,997 --> 00:10:32,633 that doing the work right and sometimes it is and sometimes it is until you get past it 157 00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:40,753 and then you realize that work was worth it and so is this and it's okay not to be sure 158 00:10:40,753 --> 00:10:46,653 and it's okay to be confused sometimes it's okay not to know if you got it right 159 00:10:46,653 --> 00:10:48,793 it's okay to be scared 160 00:10:48,793 --> 00:10:52,553 because 161 00:10:52,553 --> 00:10:55,153 if I don't get it right 162 00:10:55,153 --> 00:10:57,493 I'm gonna learn 163 00:10:57,493 --> 00:10:59,833 and I'm gonna try again 164 00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:02,733 and I'm going to get better 165 00:11:02,733 --> 00:11:05,353 because I want to 166 00:11:05,353 --> 00:11:08,213 because I care about getting better 167 00:11:08,213 --> 00:11:10,893 not just for me and my own heart 168 00:11:10,893 --> 00:11:14,333 but for everybody else 169 00:11:14,333 --> 00:11:15,573 in my life 170 00:11:15,573 --> 00:11:19,433 I don't want things to come to these points with anybody. 171 00:11:20,193 --> 00:11:20,813 I don't. 172 00:11:21,993 --> 00:11:23,433 It breaks my heart. 173 00:11:25,553 --> 00:11:29,373 Especially when it's somebody that you've known your whole life. 174 00:11:30,553 --> 00:11:33,733 Who does mean the world to you. 175 00:11:33,733 --> 00:11:53,953 This person in my life, I don't know, wants to hate me. 176 00:11:53,953 --> 00:11:56,613 I don't understand why that's so important. 177 00:11:56,613 --> 00:12:00,213 but it's 178 00:12:00,213 --> 00:12:03,793 not simple 179 00:12:03,793 --> 00:12:08,093 and I'm not trying to belittle 180 00:12:08,093 --> 00:12:10,893 anybody's experience 181 00:12:10,893 --> 00:12:17,093 because I understand 182 00:12:17,093 --> 00:12:21,413 so much more 183 00:12:21,413 --> 00:12:23,453 than I used to 184 00:12:23,453 --> 00:12:27,393 that's taken work too 185 00:12:27,393 --> 00:12:29,533 to be able to understand 186 00:12:29,533 --> 00:12:33,993 how and why things can happen 187 00:12:33,993 --> 00:12:43,013 I can teach 188 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:46,753 this relationship 189 00:12:46,753 --> 00:12:50,773 among others has taught me a lot 190 00:12:50,773 --> 00:12:53,933 taught me a lot about myself 191 00:12:53,933 --> 00:13:07,733 so 192 00:13:07,733 --> 00:13:10,853 I don't know for sure what the word is 193 00:13:10,853 --> 00:13:12,733 I'm not going to stop and look it up 194 00:13:12,733 --> 00:13:14,313 I think it's a Japanese word like 195 00:13:14,313 --> 00:13:16,373 kaizen or something like this 196 00:13:16,373 --> 00:13:18,813 I could be mistaking it with something else 197 00:13:18,813 --> 00:13:22,773 and it might not just be an exclusively Japanese idea, 198 00:13:23,113 --> 00:13:26,293 but there's this idea of pottery, a bowl, right? 199 00:13:27,733 --> 00:13:29,693 And when you make the bowl, 200 00:13:30,593 --> 00:13:33,613 sometimes one will break or crack 201 00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:35,873 and there's imperfections. 202 00:13:36,453 --> 00:13:37,853 And in this art, 203 00:13:38,533 --> 00:13:41,713 they will take and fill those cracks with gold. 204 00:13:43,173 --> 00:13:43,813 Right? 205 00:13:43,813 --> 00:13:48,613 In order to honor the beauty in the imperfection, 206 00:13:48,813 --> 00:14:00,053 that's something 207 00:14:00,053 --> 00:14:04,233 at least in my view 208 00:14:04,233 --> 00:14:07,553 that when you learn to honor 209 00:14:07,553 --> 00:14:09,173 the beauty 210 00:14:09,173 --> 00:14:12,373 in the imperfection of yourself 211 00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:16,653 is when you can truly 212 00:14:16,653 --> 00:14:17,893 honor 213 00:14:17,893 --> 00:14:19,833 the imperfections 214 00:14:19,833 --> 00:14:22,093 of everybody else. 215 00:14:25,733 --> 00:14:27,973 And I honor the imperfections 216 00:14:27,973 --> 00:14:30,753 of the people I love 217 00:14:30,753 --> 00:14:33,753 even if it means I have to 218 00:14:33,753 --> 00:14:38,953 let them go. 219 00:14:40,853 --> 00:14:42,273 Maybe they'll come back. 220 00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:45,373 But I can't hold it. 221 00:14:45,633 --> 00:14:46,173 There's a fly. 222 00:14:46,173 --> 00:14:49,113 probably right over where you couldn't see me. 223 00:14:49,233 --> 00:14:49,553 I don't know. 224 00:14:50,633 --> 00:14:54,153 I guess not enough that I couldn't see myself in the reflection. 225 00:14:55,453 --> 00:14:57,713 I don't want to get taken into distractions. 226 00:14:58,293 --> 00:15:00,333 You know, I'm feeling a lot of feelings right now, 227 00:15:00,453 --> 00:15:01,513 but I'm going to be okay. 228 00:15:03,353 --> 00:15:04,353 Feelings are real. 229 00:15:05,813 --> 00:15:10,593 I can get very excited and very positive, 230 00:15:12,673 --> 00:15:15,273 but I feel everything. 231 00:15:16,173 --> 00:15:24,993 you don't stop feeling everything, 232 00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:30,413 but you do learn how to relate with it differently. 233 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:42,650 And I don think I don know 234 00:15:43,690 --> 00:15:45,110 Time is a funny thing. 235 00:15:47,010 --> 00:15:49,470 Why would it take me 54 years? 236 00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:53,790 Because there's a lot of history and things change back and forth, up and down. 237 00:15:54,790 --> 00:15:55,490 But really... 238 00:15:55,490 --> 00:16:03,690 Learning to love and let go is not an easy lesson. 239 00:16:04,410 --> 00:16:08,330 It's a powerful one, but it's not an easy one. 240 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:17,130 So our hearts get broken and we patch them together with lead. 241 00:16:17,130 --> 00:16:24,310 And so the cup of our heart becomes poisoned with the lead. 242 00:16:24,310 --> 00:16:27,550 this is why the alchemy matters 243 00:16:27,550 --> 00:16:29,290 this is why 244 00:16:29,290 --> 00:16:33,910 because the poison of the lead becomes 245 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,210 bitterness 246 00:16:35,210 --> 00:16:37,230 and resentment 247 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:40,250 blame 248 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,530 anger 249 00:16:48,950 --> 00:16:50,170 poisons our cup 250 00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:54,430 so even though it can be hard 251 00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:57,130 it matters to me 252 00:16:57,130 --> 00:16:59,390 it matters 253 00:16:59,390 --> 00:17:04,070 to tend those cracks 254 00:17:04,070 --> 00:17:07,270 honor them 255 00:17:07,270 --> 00:17:09,190 and fill them with gold 256 00:17:09,190 --> 00:17:20,070 it's a delicate craft 257 00:17:20,070 --> 00:17:21,970 it is 258 00:17:21,970 --> 00:17:29,850 and sometimes 259 00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:34,490 even if you have the knowledge 260 00:17:34,490 --> 00:17:42,310 it doesn't make it easy to do 261 00:17:42,310 --> 00:17:44,630 it still hurts, it's still hard 262 00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:47,990 there's lots of things 263 00:17:47,990 --> 00:17:52,990 not just this particular kind of feeling, but... 264 00:18:02,510 --> 00:18:07,610 I love this person, and this person knows. 265 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,990 And I've told this person... 266 00:18:13,830 --> 00:18:16,870 I don't have to say it again. 267 00:18:16,870 --> 00:18:26,010 I've demonstrated it even recently profoundly because I went no contact and I broke no contact. 268 00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:37,170 Because they were at rock bottom and my heart went out. 269 00:18:37,170 --> 00:18:39,970 but what I realize 270 00:18:39,970 --> 00:18:41,890 is this person 271 00:18:41,890 --> 00:18:43,910 in my life 272 00:18:43,910 --> 00:18:45,850 who I'm trying to be delicate 273 00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:46,890 and not name 274 00:18:46,890 --> 00:18:53,550 it's not 275 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,310 me 276 00:18:55,310 --> 00:18:57,110 that they need 277 00:18:57,110 --> 00:18:58,890 to love them 278 00:18:58,890 --> 00:19:02,130 even though they've been able to depend on that 279 00:19:02,130 --> 00:19:07,030 not picking up the phone 280 00:19:07,030 --> 00:19:09,250 is not not loving them. 281 00:19:09,990 --> 00:19:11,510 Not answering the text 282 00:19:11,510 --> 00:19:13,130 is not not loving. 283 00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:16,690 It is. 284 00:19:18,110 --> 00:19:20,490 Loving enough to do the hard thing. 285 00:19:23,110 --> 00:19:25,510 Choosing to go no contact 286 00:19:25,510 --> 00:19:28,750 when I had no choice, I felt, 287 00:19:30,350 --> 00:19:31,590 was loving me. 288 00:19:37,030 --> 00:19:39,270 choosing to stick to it, 289 00:19:40,470 --> 00:19:45,110 is loving this other person. 290 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:49,930 And I've said before, life is a paradox. 291 00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:51,730 Everything in life is a paradox. 292 00:19:53,590 --> 00:19:56,610 And in this other person's perspective, 293 00:19:57,410 --> 00:19:59,250 they may really feel the hurt. 294 00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:01,290 I don't want them to hurt. 295 00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:06,010 I want this person to realize that the love that they really need 296 00:20:06,010 --> 00:20:08,230 is inside of themselves. 297 00:20:09,390 --> 00:20:13,350 And I've given this person so many clues, 298 00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:16,610 told this person ways to find that. 299 00:20:19,270 --> 00:20:22,350 But I can't make this person do that. 300 00:20:23,930 --> 00:20:27,730 I had to get to my own kinds of rock bottom 301 00:20:27,730 --> 00:20:31,890 before I decided enough was enough for me. 302 00:20:31,890 --> 00:20:35,230 and I had to really, 303 00:20:36,630 --> 00:20:39,810 and it's not that I hadn't been trying to figure my shit out, 304 00:20:39,810 --> 00:20:43,310 but that I really needed to make that like, 305 00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,150 it had to matter to so much 306 00:20:46,150 --> 00:20:48,850 that that's the only thing that mattered. 307 00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:49,990 And I hope this person 308 00:20:50,011 --> 00:20:54,451 in my life, out of my life at the moment, 309 00:20:56,451 --> 00:20:59,731 decides to do the same thing and realize 310 00:20:59,731 --> 00:21:04,971 they don't have to perform love. 311 00:21:05,971 --> 00:21:09,311 They don't have to perform for love. 312 00:21:10,651 --> 00:21:12,231 They already deserve it. 313 00:21:15,451 --> 00:21:18,911 I have a lot of painful history with this person. 314 00:21:20,011 --> 00:21:24,631 and I still love this person 315 00:21:24,631 --> 00:21:27,071 even though 316 00:21:27,071 --> 00:21:28,871 you know 317 00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:31,751 it's not about excusing this or that 318 00:21:31,751 --> 00:21:34,171 this person may 319 00:21:34,171 --> 00:21:35,191 have 320 00:21:35,191 --> 00:21:39,091 seriously betrayed me even worse than I know 321 00:21:39,091 --> 00:21:40,731 because I know this person 322 00:21:40,731 --> 00:21:43,691 when they get angry 323 00:21:43,691 --> 00:21:45,011 and feel justified 324 00:21:45,011 --> 00:21:47,951 likes to get people back 325 00:21:47,951 --> 00:21:53,611 and I'm not going to sit here and talk about it 326 00:21:53,611 --> 00:21:55,951 I'm not trying to be judgmental here okay 327 00:21:55,951 --> 00:22:01,631 no that's not a healthy thing but that doesn't mean that I don't love this person 328 00:22:01,631 --> 00:22:02,411 anyway 329 00:22:02,411 --> 00:22:08,291 whether they did something like that to me or not 330 00:22:08,291 --> 00:22:11,591 no no it doesn't make it okay 331 00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:13,291 that's not what I'm trying to say 332 00:22:17,951 --> 00:22:36,231 I've learned how to see past certain things, but I've also understood why, how, and where the boundaries matter, because they do. 333 00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:45,611 I've said everything I have to say to this person 334 00:22:45,611 --> 00:22:48,091 for now anyway 335 00:22:48,091 --> 00:22:52,631 I need to give this person space 336 00:22:52,631 --> 00:22:55,591 to sit 337 00:22:55,591 --> 00:22:58,911 and want it bad enough 338 00:22:58,911 --> 00:23:01,771 to start figuring out how to love themselves 339 00:23:01,771 --> 00:23:04,931 or accept the fact that they can be loved 340 00:23:04,931 --> 00:23:06,531 anyway. 341 00:23:08,871 --> 00:23:09,931 I don't know. 342 00:23:13,691 --> 00:23:15,471 I just have to have faith 343 00:23:15,471 --> 00:23:17,891 that I'm doing the right thing. 344 00:23:23,271 --> 00:23:24,031 Wisdom. 345 00:23:25,891 --> 00:23:28,511 Knowledge tells me I'm doing the right thing. 346 00:23:29,251 --> 00:23:30,831 That doesn't make it easy. 347 00:23:34,931 --> 00:23:41,931 And wisdom has taught me how much it cuts not to. 348 00:23:41,931 --> 00:23:47,931 Now wisdom is teaching me how much it cuts to have to. 349 00:23:47,931 --> 00:23:54,931 But it's okay. I've learned how to tend my wounds. 350 00:23:54,931 --> 00:23:57,931 I'm gonna be fine. 351 00:23:57,931 --> 00:24:01,931 Even though I'm also not fine. 352 00:24:01,931 --> 00:24:02,931 I'm not. 353 00:24:03,671 --> 00:24:05,491 But I'm okay. 354 00:24:07,311 --> 00:24:09,291 Life is bittersweet. 355 00:24:12,811 --> 00:24:15,671 And I understand so much more about life. 356 00:24:17,191 --> 00:24:20,891 It doesn't have to stay that way, but it's a part of life. 357 00:24:25,551 --> 00:24:30,511 I've had enough bitter that I know how to truly appreciate the sweet. 358 00:24:31,931 --> 00:24:37,031 because sometimes 359 00:24:37,031 --> 00:24:40,131 you can take it for granted 360 00:24:40,131 --> 00:24:46,991 or you can get so lost in the bitter 361 00:24:46,991 --> 00:24:48,611 that you forget about the sweet 362 00:24:48,611 --> 00:24:52,911 they're both there 363 00:24:52,911 --> 00:24:56,151 they always are 364 00:24:56,151 --> 00:24:58,671 paradox 365 00:24:58,671 --> 00:25:21,271 I have faith in myself because I know myself. I know how much I care. 366 00:25:21,271 --> 00:25:24,771 so I know 367 00:25:24,771 --> 00:25:26,711 that it's okay 368 00:25:26,711 --> 00:25:29,071 I'm not perfect either 369 00:25:29,071 --> 00:25:31,871 and if I find out that I'm doing it wrong 370 00:25:31,871 --> 00:25:35,171 I'm open to learning my lessons 371 00:25:35,171 --> 00:25:37,291 so that I can try again when 372 00:25:37,291 --> 00:25:39,371 the spiral comes back around 373 00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:43,031 and maybe I can get it a little bit more right 374 00:25:43,031 --> 00:25:47,351 right 375 00:25:47,351 --> 00:26:08,845 Okay Family 376 00:26:08,845 --> 00:26:08,985 Family. 377 00:26:11,105 --> 00:26:12,925 I love my family. 378 00:26:17,725 --> 00:26:20,165 Learning to see and understand 379 00:26:20,165 --> 00:26:25,665 how I was affected. 380 00:26:27,505 --> 00:26:29,325 It's taught me so much. 381 00:26:37,105 --> 00:26:43,125 Even family members who I find myself in conflicts with. 382 00:26:45,285 --> 00:26:46,465 It's okay. 383 00:26:47,585 --> 00:26:50,185 I don't think I can be mad about it anymore. 384 00:26:50,525 --> 00:26:51,305 Because I'm not. 385 00:26:52,125 --> 00:26:53,025 I love them. 386 00:26:55,205 --> 00:26:56,125 All of them. 387 00:26:57,505 --> 00:27:04,165 and I'm willing to let them be who they choose to be, 388 00:27:06,245 --> 00:27:10,565 feel how they choose to feel, and be okay with it. 389 00:27:15,485 --> 00:27:22,025 Let them understand and get me or not, and be okay with it. 390 00:27:22,025 --> 00:27:26,365 let them feel or believe 391 00:27:26,365 --> 00:27:29,805 the truth of my love 392 00:27:29,805 --> 00:27:31,565 or not 393 00:27:31,565 --> 00:27:35,785 and be okay with their right 394 00:27:35,785 --> 00:27:37,765 to have their choice 395 00:27:37,765 --> 00:27:44,665 even if it doesn't feel good 396 00:27:44,665 --> 00:27:54,025 I can't make anybody feel a certain way. 397 00:27:54,025 --> 00:28:02,945 I can't make any one family member understand me, receive me. 398 00:28:04,465 --> 00:28:11,765 I can't make any family member understand themselves. 399 00:28:14,665 --> 00:28:21,725 enough to love themselves through their own imperfection because that's this is so 400 00:28:21,725 --> 00:28:27,445 letting go 401 00:28:27,445 --> 00:28:33,225 stuff can get pretty deep 402 00:28:33,225 --> 00:28:39,445 I will talk more with you I will 403 00:28:39,445 --> 00:28:44,205 but if I want to share 404 00:28:44,205 --> 00:28:47,645 I want to share honestly 405 00:28:47,645 --> 00:28:53,525 I don't want to pretend 406 00:28:53,525 --> 00:28:56,905 that every moment is rainbows and butterflies 407 00:28:56,905 --> 00:28:57,965 because it's not 408 00:28:57,965 --> 00:29:04,305 it's not that we don't get tossed around by the wind 409 00:29:04,305 --> 00:29:08,465 but when we do find a way 410 00:29:08,465 --> 00:29:09,685 to even our keel, 411 00:29:10,385 --> 00:29:12,265 we ride ourselves 412 00:29:12,265 --> 00:29:16,665 and we weather the storms. 413 00:29:27,745 --> 00:29:29,345 I don't know who you are. 414 00:29:32,145 --> 00:29:33,425 I might like to. 415 00:29:34,725 --> 00:29:37,125 I could be just talking to one person. 416 00:29:38,465 --> 00:29:39,445 And that's fine. 417 00:29:41,365 --> 00:29:50,405 All I want is to connect in some way for one person and help them through. 418 00:29:53,525 --> 00:29:55,425 Give them a point of reflection. 419 00:29:56,705 --> 00:29:57,405 Them. 420 00:29:58,065 --> 00:29:58,405 You. 421 00:29:59,045 --> 00:29:59,645 You. 422 00:29:59,945 --> 00:30:02,805 You're the one listening to this, so I'm talking to you. 423 00:30:08,465 --> 00:30:22,945 sharing my truth isn't prostituting myself to the world or to you 424 00:30:22,945 --> 00:30:28,265 because i don't want 425 00:30:28,265 --> 00:30:34,505 I don't need 426 00:30:34,505 --> 00:30:37,165 from you. 427 00:30:38,025 --> 00:30:39,245 I'm already grateful 428 00:30:39,245 --> 00:30:41,805 that you've paid attention. 429 00:30:44,405 --> 00:30:46,965 That you've cared enough to want to listen 430 00:30:46,965 --> 00:30:48,925 and hear the things I have to say. 431 00:30:52,185 --> 00:30:53,985 And so I want to honor that. 432 00:30:55,925 --> 00:30:58,045 If I'm going to talk about my truth 433 00:30:58,045 --> 00:31:03,105 I want to show you my truth, even the uncomfortable parts. 434 00:31:08,005 --> 00:31:18,238 Because I can sell you by lying to you and telling you that it not hard that it isn work 435 00:31:20,638 --> 00:31:22,718 I just can only show you 436 00:31:22,718 --> 00:31:26,478 by doing my work, 437 00:31:27,018 --> 00:31:29,118 even when it's hard. 438 00:31:34,118 --> 00:31:35,438 Because I have faith. 439 00:31:37,658 --> 00:31:38,898 I have faith. 440 00:31:39,998 --> 00:32:00,978 That trying to do this work, trying to get a grip on my own heart, to keep my heart open, even when it doesn't want to. 441 00:32:00,978 --> 00:32:09,458 Sometimes we hold space for others. 442 00:32:10,798 --> 00:32:13,858 Sometimes we have to hold space for ourselves. 443 00:32:20,418 --> 00:32:21,938 I'm not in tears. 444 00:32:23,998 --> 00:32:26,138 Although, as my thoughts went around, 445 00:32:26,998 --> 00:32:28,738 there was a moment when some came out. 446 00:32:30,978 --> 00:32:36,218 how long have I been talking here? 447 00:32:36,978 --> 00:32:37,178 well 448 00:32:37,178 --> 00:32:40,358 twice as long as I thought 449 00:32:40,358 --> 00:32:42,998 it says 32 minutes on my little timer thingy thing 450 00:32:42,998 --> 00:32:45,498 I thought it was maybe 15 451 00:32:45,498 --> 00:32:48,898 not long before I started recording 452 00:32:48,898 --> 00:32:51,158 and I decided like 453 00:32:51,158 --> 00:32:56,498 I don't have to feel up 454 00:32:56,498 --> 00:32:59,498 and chipper 455 00:32:59,498 --> 00:33:02,658 or blissed out. 456 00:33:05,298 --> 00:33:07,318 You just have to be who I really am. 457 00:33:08,858 --> 00:33:11,038 Feel how I really feel. 458 00:33:16,838 --> 00:33:18,638 And share with you honestly. 459 00:33:18,638 --> 00:33:35,338 because if you want to walk this kind of road for yourself I am going to tell you how worth it it is 460 00:33:35,338 --> 00:33:46,198 because it is but I'm going to be dead honest and show you that it is going to be work because if you 461 00:33:46,198 --> 00:33:58,158 try and you find out that it confronts you, that there is pain you have to process, you 462 00:33:58,158 --> 00:33:59,238 might want to run away. 463 00:34:00,118 --> 00:34:01,398 You might get mad. 464 00:34:02,038 --> 00:34:05,078 You might say, this is a bunch of bullshit and I don't want to do this. 465 00:34:05,378 --> 00:34:06,338 And that's fine. 466 00:34:08,638 --> 00:34:11,758 But I don't want it to be because you feel like you're tricked. 467 00:34:16,198 --> 00:34:18,798 I'm not here to trick you. 468 00:34:19,958 --> 00:34:20,458 Okay. 469 00:34:22,138 --> 00:34:23,038 I'm not. 470 00:34:29,558 --> 00:34:31,458 You choose to be here. 471 00:34:32,198 --> 00:34:33,598 You care enough. 472 00:34:33,918 --> 00:34:35,238 You're curious enough. 473 00:34:35,958 --> 00:34:37,278 Maybe you're just entertained. 474 00:34:37,818 --> 00:34:38,758 Is this entertaining? 475 00:34:40,138 --> 00:34:41,078 I don't know. 476 00:34:42,398 --> 00:34:43,578 You can tell me. 477 00:34:44,278 --> 00:34:45,758 You can send a message. 478 00:34:46,198 --> 00:34:49,938 If you want to there's ways go look at the payment avenues 479 00:34:49,938 --> 00:34:53,418 You know, you don't have to send like a whole bunch of money to send a message with it or something 480 00:34:55,138 --> 00:34:57,518 What on fountain you can send like you know a 481 00:34:58,758 --> 00:35:03,758 Fraction of a fraction of a cent if you if you really want to get a message to me. There's an email address 482 00:35:04,138 --> 00:35:08,558 I'm not blasting it out there because I run it on a real cheap VPS and 483 00:35:09,118 --> 00:35:14,138 I don't know. I don't want to get it spammed yet until I've got everything 484 00:35:14,138 --> 00:35:20,718 things situated with a backup and failover kind of situation but that's fine i have it experience 485 00:35:20,718 --> 00:35:29,918 i know what can happen i remember when slash dot in the computer uh online tech world would have an 486 00:35:29,918 --> 00:35:36,778 article that pointed you to a website everybody on slash dot will go and look at that website and 487 00:35:36,778 --> 00:35:40,818 bring it down to its knees because it never had that much traffic and it overwhelms it 488 00:35:40,818 --> 00:35:41,978 anyway 489 00:35:41,978 --> 00:35:43,938 I don't know 490 00:35:43,938 --> 00:35:46,898 maybe I'm encouraging somebody to come and try to 491 00:35:46,898 --> 00:35:49,018 spam my email server please don't 492 00:35:49,018 --> 00:35:50,878 I mean I don't know 493 00:35:50,878 --> 00:35:52,098 why would you want to do that 494 00:35:52,098 --> 00:35:54,878 if that's how you get your jollies 495 00:35:54,878 --> 00:35:56,478 man I don't know what to tell you 496 00:35:56,478 --> 00:35:58,758 you do have work to do 497 00:35:58,758 --> 00:36:00,658 but you know that's just an opinion 498 00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:02,658 okay you can take it or leave it 499 00:36:02,658 --> 00:36:04,878 I don't think if you're sitting here 500 00:36:04,878 --> 00:36:06,798 with me for this long that you're that 501 00:36:06,798 --> 00:36:08,118 that guy or that gal 502 00:36:08,118 --> 00:36:14,878 Sure, I'll say it 503 00:36:14,878 --> 00:36:16,278 Love 504 00:36:16,278 --> 00:36:18,058 Down Babylon 505 00:36:18,058 --> 00:36:19,338 At 506 00:36:19,338 --> 00:36:22,058 Humble.host 507 00:36:22,058 --> 00:36:36,051 We let the truck roll by Give you time to write it down if you really want to send me a message l 508 00:36:36,051 --> 00:36:37,211 at 509 00:36:37,211 --> 00:36:38,531 humble 510 00:36:38,531 --> 00:36:41,311 h-u-m-b-l-e dot host 511 00:36:41,311 --> 00:36:41,991 h-o-s-t 512 00:36:41,991 --> 00:36:45,311 that's me 513 00:36:45,311 --> 00:36:45,791 domain 514 00:36:45,791 --> 00:36:48,171 you can send me a message there 515 00:36:52,491 --> 00:36:55,011 If you want to. 516 00:36:56,911 --> 00:37:08,271 So, I guess I'll just segue into this because before, earlier, I had an idea of what I would say when I started my next recording. 517 00:37:10,631 --> 00:37:12,111 Because this is about you. 518 00:37:13,171 --> 00:37:15,251 Whoever you are listening to me right now. 519 00:37:15,251 --> 00:37:20,251 I'm already past the point of no return 520 00:37:20,251 --> 00:37:23,031 when it comes to putting myself out there 521 00:37:23,031 --> 00:37:24,651 for whatever 522 00:37:24,651 --> 00:37:28,951 so I'm not feeling so vulnerable about that 523 00:37:28,951 --> 00:37:32,131 I'm a little scared still 524 00:37:32,131 --> 00:37:34,971 because hardly anybody's watched this stuff yet 525 00:37:34,971 --> 00:37:38,131 and I'm less afraid of a couple people watching it 526 00:37:38,131 --> 00:37:40,111 than what happens if a whole billion people do 527 00:37:40,111 --> 00:37:42,211 or the whole town I live in 528 00:37:42,211 --> 00:37:43,731 but it's okay 529 00:37:43,731 --> 00:37:48,391 I'm not making it for anybody in particular 530 00:37:48,391 --> 00:37:50,871 in that regard 531 00:37:50,871 --> 00:37:53,491 I don't need anybody that I know to watch my stuff 532 00:37:53,491 --> 00:37:56,751 for all I know 533 00:37:56,751 --> 00:37:58,251 it could complicate things 534 00:37:58,251 --> 00:37:59,831 could make it harder, could make it better 535 00:37:59,831 --> 00:38:00,591 I don't know 536 00:38:00,591 --> 00:38:03,351 what will be will be 537 00:38:03,351 --> 00:38:05,091 I have faith in my decision 538 00:38:05,091 --> 00:38:06,291 I can't undo it 539 00:38:06,291 --> 00:38:08,151 I'm just going to keep forging ahead 540 00:38:08,151 --> 00:38:11,191 because there's something in it for somebody 541 00:38:11,191 --> 00:38:12,571 maybe you 542 00:38:13,311 --> 00:38:15,051 Maybe there's something in it for you. 543 00:38:15,431 --> 00:38:16,651 Maybe that's why you're here. 544 00:38:18,631 --> 00:38:20,291 So I want to engage with you. 545 00:38:20,731 --> 00:38:22,551 I don't want to just talk to you. 546 00:38:23,131 --> 00:38:24,571 I want to talk with you. 547 00:38:25,271 --> 00:38:26,271 I want to know 548 00:38:26,271 --> 00:38:32,471 not just a parasocial relationship where, 549 00:38:32,631 --> 00:38:35,731 oh, let's just get to know each other and be internet friends. 550 00:38:35,931 --> 00:38:38,691 That's not what I'm trying to offer there when I say that. 551 00:38:39,191 --> 00:38:40,931 I do want your feedback, 552 00:38:40,931 --> 00:38:50,011 but what I want from you is to tell me what it is that would help you. 553 00:38:52,291 --> 00:38:55,411 Let me try to be a little clearer about this, okay? 554 00:38:56,431 --> 00:39:02,591 For example, I have better microphones and audio interfaces 555 00:39:02,591 --> 00:39:06,871 and will eventually start recording myself on better mics and stuff. 556 00:39:06,871 --> 00:39:09,331 but if the audio recording quality 557 00:39:09,331 --> 00:39:11,351 or the way I do the video 558 00:39:11,351 --> 00:39:14,171 or the fact that I just don't edit them 559 00:39:14,171 --> 00:39:17,951 or at least minimal editing 560 00:39:17,951 --> 00:39:19,251 I'm learning as I go 561 00:39:19,251 --> 00:39:21,311 I've never had a reason to edit video before 562 00:39:21,311 --> 00:39:22,591 so here I am 563 00:39:22,591 --> 00:39:24,091 and it's okay 564 00:39:24,091 --> 00:39:29,371 you've probably already heard me say 565 00:39:29,371 --> 00:39:30,931 perfection is the enemy of the good 566 00:39:30,931 --> 00:39:34,411 it's pretty profound to you 567 00:39:34,411 --> 00:39:36,411 because so much is good enough 568 00:39:36,411 --> 00:39:43,631 and I've had my throws with perfectionism and procrastination 569 00:39:43,631 --> 00:39:44,911 and all that kind of stuff. 570 00:39:45,411 --> 00:39:49,071 But what I've learned about both of those things for me 571 00:39:49,071 --> 00:39:55,171 is that they're rooted in an emotional avoidance of some kind. 572 00:39:55,171 --> 00:39:59,251 And so I started becoming curious with myself about 573 00:39:59,251 --> 00:40:02,011 what is it about this or that? 574 00:40:02,531 --> 00:40:05,351 Why is it when I want to do this thing, 575 00:40:05,351 --> 00:40:10,771 I wind up doing these other things that I couldn't make myself do before, you know, lots of things. 576 00:40:11,431 --> 00:40:14,871 It's a journey, a learning process around and around. 577 00:40:15,231 --> 00:40:17,491 I'm still learning more about myself. 578 00:40:18,251 --> 00:40:19,131 It's okay. 579 00:40:19,571 --> 00:40:23,431 I'm a magic box full of mystery, but it's all right. 580 00:40:23,651 --> 00:40:25,471 You know, lots of territory. 581 00:40:26,091 --> 00:40:27,771 And I don't think I'm getting lost in there. 582 00:40:27,851 --> 00:40:31,671 I think I'm just learning to see it as an adventure. 583 00:40:31,671 --> 00:40:34,671 because I'm starting to see... 584 00:40:34,671 --> 00:40:40,991 I'm starting to see why the hard parts are worth a while. 585 00:40:45,031 --> 00:40:48,351 Waiting on me to walk or play with you is hard, isn't it, Mr. Milo? 586 00:40:48,451 --> 00:40:50,711 Yeah, my puppy. Here, peek at him if you can see. 587 00:40:52,651 --> 00:40:55,451 I guess I'll have to see if that other video recorded all the way. 588 00:40:55,451 --> 00:40:57,911 I got an error because as I turned to show you my dog, 589 00:40:58,111 --> 00:41:01,311 I must have touched something and switched to a different app. 590 00:41:01,671 --> 00:41:03,491 I don't know. 591 00:41:05,811 --> 00:41:09,451 So you, this is for you at this point. 592 00:41:09,771 --> 00:41:17,031 I did the for me part, but I don't know what it is that you are here for. 593 00:41:17,451 --> 00:41:23,991 Are you here for my personal journey because you like the story and you're just curious and it's interesting? 594 00:41:23,991 --> 00:41:30,251 Are you here to learn what kind of tools and things I've used on my personal journey? 595 00:41:30,251 --> 00:41:39,991 Or are you more interested in the things I'm passionate about and how I approach problem solving and finding 596 00:41:39,997 --> 00:41:47,257 solutions even to bigger problems you know are you here because you heard I'm passionate about 597 00:41:47,257 --> 00:41:52,057 music in some way I got lots of stuff to talk about on that too there's a lot of stuff I want 598 00:41:52,057 --> 00:42:01,537 to share so for me I guess this is now an outlet a portal a video diary for a certain kind of diary 599 00:42:01,537 --> 00:42:02,977 you know 600 00:42:02,977 --> 00:42:14,597 but I want to honor you if you're here 601 00:42:14,597 --> 00:42:17,217 I respect you for being here 602 00:42:17,217 --> 00:42:19,137 you know 603 00:42:19,137 --> 00:42:21,477 who the freaking am I 604 00:42:21,477 --> 00:42:24,617 that you'd want to need to pay attention to me 605 00:42:24,617 --> 00:42:25,597 right I don't know 606 00:42:25,597 --> 00:42:28,697 you decide that obviously there's something here 607 00:42:28,697 --> 00:42:30,297 for you and 608 00:42:30,297 --> 00:42:32,577 you've heard the value for value discussion 609 00:42:32,577 --> 00:42:38,197 And so I'm not going to touch on that at the moment because you're already giving me value. 610 00:42:38,697 --> 00:42:40,037 I don't need to beg for more. 611 00:42:40,977 --> 00:42:41,997 That's not the point. 612 00:42:42,297 --> 00:42:48,957 You know, bringing more people to this who might benefit is the most valuable thing, to be quite honest. 613 00:42:50,297 --> 00:42:50,697 Sharing. 614 00:42:52,397 --> 00:43:00,457 Like, I like that pay it forward concept from that movie, you know, and I've practiced with people a lot, you know, do them a favor. 615 00:43:00,577 --> 00:43:01,917 It's like, you don't have to pay me back. 616 00:43:01,917 --> 00:43:02,637 Just pay it forward. 617 00:43:03,017 --> 00:43:07,797 Just remember this the next time you're in a position to help somebody in a similar thing, you know, 618 00:43:07,857 --> 00:43:12,877 because that spreading it around, pay it forward energy is a positive force in the world. 619 00:43:12,877 --> 00:43:15,097 Even if it's just tiny stuff, it does matter. 620 00:43:16,177 --> 00:43:21,277 It matters to me or, you know, maybe my romantic heart just likes that idea. 621 00:43:21,437 --> 00:43:23,137 And so I'm running with it, right? 622 00:43:23,557 --> 00:43:28,637 So if you pay it forward, you receive this, you appreciate it. 623 00:43:28,637 --> 00:43:32,477 And you don't want to pay me back because you don't have to. 624 00:43:33,197 --> 00:43:33,557 You don't. 625 00:43:33,617 --> 00:43:34,057 It's a gift. 626 00:43:34,617 --> 00:43:38,177 But you could send it on to somebody else, okay? 627 00:43:38,937 --> 00:43:40,197 Somebody who you think might benefit. 628 00:43:40,357 --> 00:43:42,257 Somebody who you think might think it's funny or interesting. 629 00:43:42,357 --> 00:43:42,937 I don't care. 630 00:43:43,257 --> 00:43:43,777 I don't. 631 00:43:44,217 --> 00:43:45,117 Whatever reason. 632 00:43:45,557 --> 00:43:47,957 You know, spread it far and wide from the mountaintops. 633 00:43:48,997 --> 00:43:51,177 Be my free marketing team. 634 00:43:51,917 --> 00:43:52,397 Yeah. 635 00:43:53,197 --> 00:43:55,077 You know, laziness isn't bad. 636 00:43:55,677 --> 00:43:58,217 Sometimes it's just efficiency and honesty. 637 00:43:58,637 --> 00:44:02,597 But that's okay. I'm not actually lazy about any of the things I care about. 638 00:44:02,837 --> 00:44:04,057 Not even a little bit. 639 00:44:05,517 --> 00:44:08,457 But God forbid you try to get me to do something I don't want to do. 640 00:44:08,497 --> 00:44:10,777 Oh God, I'm a bear about it sometimes. Maybe. 641 00:44:11,437 --> 00:44:12,277 Maybe I have been. 642 00:44:13,057 --> 00:44:14,477 You know, these are just narratives. 643 00:44:15,697 --> 00:44:17,377 Stories that I tell me about myself. 644 00:44:19,057 --> 00:44:24,257 I'm learning not to rely on my tried and true narratives about myself 645 00:44:24,257 --> 00:44:27,417 and start to be curious about who I am. 646 00:44:27,417 --> 00:44:29,517 and discover, get to know me. 647 00:44:30,077 --> 00:44:33,117 You can get to know me right along with me, okay? 648 00:44:34,137 --> 00:44:36,977 And I'm happy to get to know you. 649 00:44:38,257 --> 00:44:42,497 Tell me if the way that I present and talk works for you or not, 650 00:44:42,637 --> 00:44:44,237 or if I take too long. 651 00:44:44,377 --> 00:44:46,777 I mean, you don't have to be nitpicky and stuff, 652 00:44:47,117 --> 00:44:49,857 and I may or may not change just because of what you say, 653 00:44:49,997 --> 00:44:54,077 but I'm going to at least respect you enough to say I'd like to hear it 654 00:44:54,077 --> 00:44:57,197 and see, you know, because some things I'm capable of 655 00:44:57,197 --> 00:44:58,557 and some things take a lot of work. 656 00:45:00,277 --> 00:45:04,577 Not being wordy takes a lot of work sometimes, you know. 657 00:45:08,577 --> 00:45:11,717 More than one time in my life, in different contexts, 658 00:45:11,917 --> 00:45:15,237 I've been told to slow it down, but, you know. 659 00:45:16,597 --> 00:45:20,577 Too much detail in the email, the clients don't need that much, you know. 660 00:45:20,917 --> 00:45:24,977 Or, I can't keep up, I'm overwhelmed with how much you've just written me 661 00:45:24,977 --> 00:45:28,317 because you sent me 16 paragraphs in a text. 662 00:45:29,257 --> 00:45:30,417 And I hate texting. 663 00:45:30,717 --> 00:45:31,397 I do. 664 00:45:31,637 --> 00:45:32,897 I would so much rather talk. 665 00:45:33,277 --> 00:45:35,117 So, okay, maybe I try to get it out here 666 00:45:35,117 --> 00:45:36,277 and it'll be a vehicle for me. 667 00:45:40,217 --> 00:45:43,097 But it's not about me. 668 00:45:44,057 --> 00:45:45,977 Life isn't just about me. 669 00:45:46,697 --> 00:45:48,457 Not in my view, you know. 670 00:45:49,457 --> 00:45:52,237 I wouldn't, why would I even bother sharing 671 00:45:52,237 --> 00:45:53,677 any of this stuff out there? 672 00:45:54,977 --> 00:45:55,937 If I didn't give a crap. 673 00:45:57,017 --> 00:45:59,917 I mean, I kind of, it's a weird kind of thing. 674 00:45:59,977 --> 00:46:01,377 It's like, I don't really have to. 675 00:46:01,497 --> 00:46:02,957 And in a way, I kind of don't. 676 00:46:02,957 --> 00:46:06,197 But it's more like I'm detached in that way. 677 00:46:06,317 --> 00:46:07,797 But I do actually care. 678 00:46:08,597 --> 00:46:09,957 You know, I do. 679 00:46:10,997 --> 00:46:14,417 The idea, be the change that I want to see in the world. 680 00:46:14,697 --> 00:46:14,997 Okay. 681 00:46:15,517 --> 00:46:23,097 A big part of that is I want people to get to know themselves better and be brave enough 682 00:46:23,097 --> 00:46:31,157 to face these things so that they can find that loving relationship in their heart with themselves. 683 00:46:32,577 --> 00:46:41,857 Because so much emanates from that. This is emanating from that in me. And if I'm fooling 684 00:46:41,857 --> 00:46:46,977 myself, and this is just, you know, what do they call it? A devil's trick of the ego or something 685 00:46:46,977 --> 00:46:59,950 like that Maybe I don know If I fooling myself this is a quick way to find out isn it so you know I take the pain because it temporary the wisdom lasts for a lifetime 686 00:46:59,950 --> 00:47:08,750 all right put that on a t-shirt and if you feel like giving me a commission do it but you know 687 00:47:08,750 --> 00:47:14,910 I don't know how to print and I'm not motivated to go make t-shirts although I can come up with 688 00:47:14,910 --> 00:47:20,430 sayings for him sometimes there's another value for value show that's been doing it for close to 689 00:47:20,430 --> 00:47:28,750 20 years and i'm sadly one of the people i mentioned john curry before right and he and 690 00:47:28,750 --> 00:47:33,450 somebody that i knew but i didn't know they were related to each other in any way or had any 691 00:47:33,450 --> 00:47:38,570 relation with each other john c devorek was somebody who used to write articles in computer 692 00:47:38,570 --> 00:47:43,230 magazines and stuff that i read when i was a teenager growing up you know i mean i remember 693 00:47:43,230 --> 00:47:49,630 I had like stacks of like bite magazines and, and all these other, you know, PC world and I devoured 694 00:47:49,630 --> 00:47:57,310 them. And, uh, part of that was my escape from the emotional landscape of the home where I was 695 00:47:57,310 --> 00:48:02,410 growing up, hole up in my room and just lose myself in the magazines about the computer stuff 696 00:48:02,410 --> 00:48:07,930 and learning all that. I read a lot of books, fiction, and a few, I read a little bit of like 697 00:48:07,930 --> 00:48:13,030 Stephen King and horror, but I'm not a huge horror fan. I'm not into gore porn. Gore's there. I don't 698 00:48:13,030 --> 00:48:21,390 need to max out on gore okay no i'd rather max out on something else these days i'm a lot more 699 00:48:21,390 --> 00:48:31,150 conscientious and deliberate about what i choose to intake and to uh max out on or whatever you 700 00:48:31,150 --> 00:48:36,750 want to call it anyway the lingo it changes it's funny to me a little bit but that's how it is 701 00:48:36,750 --> 00:48:39,610 It's the nature of language to evolve. 702 00:48:40,070 --> 00:48:43,430 It's the nature of cultures to change and evolve. 703 00:48:43,630 --> 00:48:45,370 It's the nature of people. 704 00:48:46,510 --> 00:48:48,010 And I'm following my nature. 705 00:48:49,470 --> 00:48:53,050 Look, I get to wonder what that little spot is and feel it. 706 00:48:53,470 --> 00:48:55,090 You get to be in my mirror. 707 00:48:56,190 --> 00:48:57,010 Hi, puppy. 708 00:48:58,070 --> 00:48:58,970 Hi, doggy. 709 00:48:59,430 --> 00:49:00,710 I love you too, doggy. 710 00:49:00,710 --> 00:49:01,650 He wants to connect with me. 711 00:49:01,690 --> 00:49:01,990 Look at him. 712 00:49:02,070 --> 00:49:04,910 He's like, please, I'm going to try to climb on you even though you don't like it. 713 00:49:05,510 --> 00:49:06,350 It's okay, Milo. 714 00:49:06,750 --> 00:49:18,210 so I am open to feedback. I, you know, you don't have to, it's okay, but this doesn't have to be 715 00:49:18,210 --> 00:49:24,030 any one thing. In fact, like this is going to be a spiraling, free-flowing ride. I'm not going to 716 00:49:24,030 --> 00:49:29,370 promise a structure or what I will or won't include. Like I've got stuff. I'm probably 717 00:49:29,370 --> 00:49:36,550 going to read you some poetry soon. Um, because the poetry comes out of processing pain, 718 00:49:36,550 --> 00:49:39,230 as a way to process emotions, right? 719 00:49:40,390 --> 00:49:42,770 Creativity and art and, you know, 720 00:49:42,830 --> 00:49:45,830 how those things are healing and therapeutic 721 00:49:45,830 --> 00:49:49,130 is one of the things I want to share with you. 722 00:49:52,350 --> 00:49:54,010 Milo's excited about something else. 723 00:49:54,550 --> 00:49:56,270 And he's just going to go to the fence and bark, 724 00:49:56,370 --> 00:49:57,470 so he's safe. 725 00:50:02,930 --> 00:50:03,990 Oh, my babies. 726 00:50:06,550 --> 00:50:11,590 he's young, he's learning, and I'm learning right along with him how to raise a dog. 727 00:50:14,230 --> 00:50:17,790 I've had a dog for many years, but, like, I didn't do the from a puppy thing with her. 728 00:50:17,890 --> 00:50:19,950 She was somebody else's for the first year. 729 00:50:20,430 --> 00:50:21,310 She's in the house. 730 00:50:21,970 --> 00:50:24,650 She's one of the reasons I say my babies and shake my head, 731 00:50:24,690 --> 00:50:26,150 because she's got an eye infection, 732 00:50:27,110 --> 00:50:30,590 which I'm going to have to do some more flushing. 733 00:50:30,590 --> 00:50:33,510 I've got stuff to flush it out for her and rinse her eye. 734 00:50:34,230 --> 00:50:36,290 I'm going to try to take care of it as best I can, 735 00:50:36,290 --> 00:50:41,530 But if I have to bust down and, you know, cough up a coin for the vet, I will. 736 00:50:42,050 --> 00:50:43,390 You know, because that matters. 737 00:50:43,570 --> 00:50:46,170 The coins are going to run out if I don't find someone. 738 00:50:46,710 --> 00:50:49,550 So I might as well put some of them on taking care of her. 739 00:50:50,050 --> 00:50:53,570 That matters to me more than, like, whatever the fuck else I could get with the coins. 740 00:50:53,790 --> 00:50:57,770 So, you know, at least I feel like my priorities are straight there. 741 00:50:58,270 --> 00:51:00,770 But if they're not, I'll find out. 742 00:51:06,290 --> 00:51:12,430 There's a quote. 743 00:51:12,630 --> 00:51:12,990 I'm wondering. 744 00:51:13,390 --> 00:51:15,710 I think Gene Wilder is the voice that says it. 745 00:51:17,670 --> 00:51:20,670 Anybody who tells you that life is easy is lying to you. 746 00:51:20,990 --> 00:51:26,710 And I heard the quote in a song where the song had the clip as a quote. 747 00:51:27,250 --> 00:51:29,330 And it's some song by this band, Wookie Foot. 748 00:51:29,750 --> 00:51:31,090 Maybe I'll figure out what it is. 749 00:51:31,090 --> 00:51:38,970 But it was from a movie is what it was, because I guess he was addressing the person. 750 00:51:39,810 --> 00:51:40,150 Oh, yeah. 751 00:51:40,890 --> 00:51:48,670 The woman said something like, life is pain, you know, and he said, or something like that. 752 00:51:48,710 --> 00:51:49,550 I forget what she said. 753 00:51:49,610 --> 00:51:51,570 And he goes, life is pain, your highness. 754 00:51:51,990 --> 00:51:54,690 Anybody who tells you anything different is lying to you. 755 00:51:55,410 --> 00:51:58,570 Well, you know, pain is a facet of life. 756 00:51:58,570 --> 00:52:09,723 but so is peace pleasure love all of it Life is so gloriously multifaceted 757 00:52:11,143 --> 00:52:14,563 But we have to take the opposites. 758 00:52:16,823 --> 00:52:19,023 And I'm not saying you have to sit here and hurt. 759 00:52:19,543 --> 00:52:22,643 I'm just saying hurt is a reality. 760 00:52:24,603 --> 00:52:29,503 Because it is the contrast that gives definition to the pain. 761 00:52:29,503 --> 00:52:33,203 or the pleasure or the joy or whatever else. 762 00:52:33,303 --> 00:52:33,923 You know what I'm saying? 763 00:52:34,083 --> 00:52:37,243 It's like high only exists because there is low. 764 00:52:38,363 --> 00:52:39,883 Otherwise, it's just flat. 765 00:52:40,023 --> 00:52:40,643 It's the same. 766 00:52:43,503 --> 00:52:46,403 And I'm starting to embrace that in my life, 767 00:52:46,903 --> 00:52:50,763 not seeking the low, 768 00:52:51,383 --> 00:52:53,983 but understanding that when it comes, 769 00:52:54,563 --> 00:52:56,203 that it also passes, 770 00:52:56,203 --> 00:52:59,703 that it has a sacred purpose for me 771 00:52:59,703 --> 00:53:02,823 and that there's something there for me in it, 772 00:53:02,883 --> 00:53:04,323 even if it hurts. 773 00:53:05,603 --> 00:53:09,343 Understanding why it hurts sometimes is the lesson. 774 00:53:10,463 --> 00:53:13,803 Sometimes when you understand why something hurts, 775 00:53:14,463 --> 00:53:15,703 it stops hurting. 776 00:53:17,963 --> 00:53:20,923 That's a magic of alchemy that you should understand. 777 00:53:20,923 --> 00:53:31,543 most of the things that you face about yourself only hurt as long as you let them 778 00:53:31,543 --> 00:53:42,483 and that can piss people off what do you mean i'm you know you're saying it's my own fault it's like 779 00:53:42,483 --> 00:53:48,563 what i'm saying is that you can relate to the things that happen in the outside world 780 00:53:48,563 --> 00:53:51,763 that bring you pain in different ways, 781 00:53:53,103 --> 00:53:56,843 you know, it doesn't mean that you need to stick around 782 00:53:56,843 --> 00:53:58,083 for some of those things. 783 00:53:59,163 --> 00:54:00,583 Sometimes you gotta walk away. 784 00:54:03,583 --> 00:54:04,103 Anyway. 785 00:54:08,103 --> 00:54:09,763 13, 13, well now, 786 00:54:10,543 --> 00:54:12,023 when I peaked, 787 00:54:13,323 --> 00:54:15,643 I'm not drinking my water. 788 00:54:15,743 --> 00:54:16,503 I should go do that. 789 00:54:16,503 --> 00:54:18,923 I'm going to just leave you here. 790 00:54:20,563 --> 00:54:27,903 You can just wonder and maybe even have a betting pool with you and the other person that might be listening 791 00:54:27,903 --> 00:54:31,443 as to how long the next episode is going to be or not, 792 00:54:31,603 --> 00:54:33,903 or how many things I will or won't talk about, 793 00:54:35,003 --> 00:54:38,563 whether I'm going to be giddy and excited off my ass and laughing or 794 00:54:38,563 --> 00:54:43,123 feeling some real pain and sharing it with you. 795 00:54:46,503 --> 00:54:57,423 You know, life, life is so many things and it doesn't always feel good. 796 00:55:01,143 --> 00:55:03,243 But that's not the only way it can feel. 797 00:55:07,083 --> 00:55:12,583 It's difficult, especially when somebody is going through a lot of pain. 798 00:55:16,503 --> 00:55:26,263 deeply for this person that I need to stay out of contact with. Now, even at this point, 799 00:55:27,063 --> 00:55:35,363 so much because it's self-protection, but because it really is, this is what they mean by tough love, 800 00:55:35,523 --> 00:55:40,823 not being tough on the other person to be tough on them because it's fucking hard to do. 801 00:55:40,823 --> 00:55:43,623 okay it is really hard to do 802 00:55:43,623 --> 00:55:45,863 it's tough love for 803 00:55:45,863 --> 00:55:47,623 this other person 804 00:55:47,623 --> 00:55:48,623 and for me 805 00:55:48,623 --> 00:55:58,143 but it's good medicine 806 00:55:58,143 --> 00:55:59,143 for both of us 807 00:55:59,143 --> 00:56:00,283 it is 808 00:56:00,283 --> 00:56:06,263 I pray that this other person in my life 809 00:56:06,263 --> 00:56:07,943 can see it that way 810 00:56:07,943 --> 00:56:08,603 one day 811 00:56:08,603 --> 00:56:15,203 I want 812 00:56:15,203 --> 00:56:24,283 I want to die 813 00:56:24,283 --> 00:56:28,043 I should get me some water 814 00:56:28,043 --> 00:56:31,703 I've said it 815 00:56:31,703 --> 00:56:33,063 I want to hold your hand 816 00:56:33,063 --> 00:56:34,583 I want to hold this person's hand 817 00:56:34,583 --> 00:56:35,643 I want to help 818 00:56:35,643 --> 00:56:36,183 I do 819 00:56:36,183 --> 00:56:41,823 and sometimes you can only help so much before you have to let them 820 00:56:41,823 --> 00:56:54,783 help themselves because they can and trust and have faith i do i have to allow 821 00:56:54,783 --> 00:56:59,763 for the possibility and i mean in my 822 00:56:59,763 --> 00:57:06,763 I have to be realistic that like this person may not or it may take a while 823 00:57:06,763 --> 00:57:29,437 and I don know okay but everybody has their own path and it is a sacred journey that path back from getting out of our heads where we have our our stories and identity and you know who we think we are no this is where we tell 824 00:57:29,437 --> 00:57:37,857 ourselves what but we got to get down here because down here in here that's who we are 825 00:57:37,857 --> 00:57:40,237 lives in there. That road 826 00:57:40,237 --> 00:57:42,917 from the head to the heart 827 00:57:42,917 --> 00:57:45,477 is a sacred journey. 828 00:57:46,977 --> 00:57:49,397 And I hope that you feel encouraged 829 00:57:49,397 --> 00:57:52,997 to take some steps, even if they're tiny baby steps, 830 00:57:53,417 --> 00:57:56,277 on that journey for yourself. And know 831 00:57:56,277 --> 00:57:59,477 there are people like myself 832 00:57:59,477 --> 00:58:02,817 out here 833 00:58:02,817 --> 00:58:04,297 willing 834 00:58:04,297 --> 00:58:12,497 willing to share, willing to tell you that I'm with you. 835 00:58:15,397 --> 00:58:22,117 Willing to, you know, I'm not here to be a guide to tell you how to walk your walk. 836 00:58:22,497 --> 00:58:29,337 I'm here to be a guide in that I'm an example of somebody who's trying to figure it out. 837 00:58:29,337 --> 00:58:37,577 and that it's okay not to understand and not to have it all figured out. 838 00:58:38,537 --> 00:58:43,757 And to be honest with you and set your proper expectations that it can take a while. 839 00:58:43,757 --> 00:58:51,617 And, you know, sometimes overnight progress was never overnight. 840 00:58:51,617 --> 00:58:59,377 it took decades behind it before that last barrier or two gets broken through 841 00:58:59,377 --> 00:59:05,897 you know there can be a lifetime of work behind an overnight success in any 842 00:59:05,897 --> 00:59:12,857 domain the band you know the overnight success 15 years in the making is truth 843 00:59:12,857 --> 00:59:18,997 in so many you know so much of the time unless you're like Def Leppard and 844 00:59:18,997 --> 00:59:25,657 you're only 17 and so like you know but they've had their stuff i mean you know the drummer from 845 00:59:25,657 --> 00:59:29,837 def leppard only had one arm there's a song where they sing it but yeah he lost his arm and still 846 00:59:29,837 --> 00:59:36,057 went back and kicked ass on the drums ages ago i don't know why i'm thinking of that 847 00:59:36,057 --> 00:59:42,657 but i am and so i shared it now it's in your head the drummer from def leppard only got one arm the 848 00:59:42,657 --> 00:59:45,417 drummer from Death Lopper's only got one arm. 849 00:59:47,057 --> 00:59:47,737 You know. 850 00:59:48,977 --> 00:59:52,257 And there's a lot of inspiration you can draw from that dude. 851 00:59:52,717 --> 00:59:54,777 Whoever he is. I don't even know poor guy's name. 852 00:59:57,657 --> 00:59:58,177 Sometimes 853 00:59:58,177 --> 01:00:01,577 the stories matter more than the characters. 854 01:00:01,577 --> 01:00:02,257 You know. 855 01:00:03,117 --> 01:00:05,397 Because it's what you get from the story that matters. 856 01:00:06,377 --> 01:00:08,957 That's fine. You can forget me and my name. 857 01:00:09,737 --> 01:00:11,257 And most of my stories. 858 01:00:11,257 --> 01:00:13,337 if there's one little piece of it 859 01:00:13,337 --> 01:00:14,817 though 860 01:00:14,817 --> 01:00:17,617 that you can hold on to even if you forget 861 01:00:17,617 --> 01:00:18,797 what that guy's name was 862 01:00:18,797 --> 01:00:21,737 but he said that one thing that just like 863 01:00:21,737 --> 01:00:22,957 you know 864 01:00:22,957 --> 01:00:24,357 I don't know 865 01:00:24,357 --> 01:00:27,537 people have done that for me and I can't remember who the fuck 866 01:00:27,537 --> 01:00:28,617 they were all the time 867 01:00:28,617 --> 01:00:30,477 but I pick things up 868 01:00:30,477 --> 01:00:32,817 so I'm going to put them down here for you 869 01:00:32,817 --> 01:00:33,717 I'm laying it out 870 01:00:33,717 --> 01:00:35,397 here you go 871 01:00:35,397 --> 01:00:39,057 mostly this 872 01:00:39,057 --> 01:00:44,337 I ramble, I talk 873 01:00:44,337 --> 01:00:46,377 Okay, you're gonna get used to me 874 01:00:46,377 --> 01:00:47,697 And I'm gonna try 875 01:00:47,697 --> 01:00:50,817 To start making chapters of some sort 876 01:00:50,817 --> 01:00:52,677 If I can, to help you navigate 877 01:00:52,677 --> 01:00:54,057 Back and forth through it 878 01:00:54,057 --> 01:00:55,517 And, you know 879 01:00:55,517 --> 01:00:57,377 Value for value 880 01:00:57,377 --> 01:01:00,657 If you like making chapters 881 01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:02,577 And stuff, and you're fascinated 882 01:01:02,577 --> 01:01:04,617 With my story enough to want to 883 01:01:04,617 --> 01:01:06,497 You can make chapters 884 01:01:06,497 --> 01:01:08,057 And submit them to me 885 01:01:08,057 --> 01:01:12,457 and I'll put you in the splits for at least the digital payment parts that I get. 886 01:01:12,897 --> 01:01:16,197 If I get any, I haven't gotten any. 887 01:01:16,457 --> 01:01:17,897 I might not. It's okay. 888 01:01:18,157 --> 01:01:21,917 I'm not counting on any one thing I do for that, you know? 889 01:01:23,137 --> 01:01:26,037 That's not serving others. 890 01:01:26,437 --> 01:01:29,657 That's having an ulterior motive to serve the self. 891 01:01:29,837 --> 01:01:32,177 Now, serving the self can serve others 892 01:01:32,177 --> 01:01:36,417 because doing what's best for me 893 01:01:36,417 --> 01:01:43,197 such as working and trying to be the best version of myself that I can muster 894 01:01:43,197 --> 01:01:46,357 is doing the best I can for everybody else. 895 01:01:47,397 --> 01:01:51,657 Giving you the better version of me than I was yesterday or trying. 896 01:01:52,977 --> 01:01:58,557 Whether you see it or not, whether it's acknowledged or not, you know, I know. 897 01:02:00,137 --> 01:02:01,777 And my eyes matter. 898 01:02:02,957 --> 01:02:06,217 Your eyes matter because you're the one who knows. 899 01:02:06,417 --> 01:02:10,977 your truth. You're the one who knows what you did or didn't do 900 01:02:10,977 --> 01:02:14,817 when you were faced with the choices nobody else could see. 901 01:02:19,597 --> 01:02:23,177 If you're a religious person of some sort and you believe in a personal God, 902 01:02:23,237 --> 01:02:26,357 you can say your God saw you too. You know? Sure. 903 01:02:27,177 --> 01:02:29,977 And I'm not being dismissive. I mean... 904 01:02:29,982 --> 01:02:38,662 More videos. We won't talk about my multifaceted spiritual view. 905 01:02:40,262 --> 01:02:48,302 In a nutshell, you and you've heard this before, but like, I think there's a lot of truth. 906 01:02:48,962 --> 01:02:51,322 You kind of are the architect of your reality. 907 01:02:51,322 --> 01:02:59,962 So what you believe to be the representation of what God is to you is what God is to you. 908 01:02:59,982 --> 01:03:09,322 you know, um, some traditions such as in the Vedic traditions, they even put it out there. 909 01:03:09,322 --> 01:03:15,182 Like, you know, they'll say, Oh, you know, God is Vishnu or, or there's so many names and aspects 910 01:03:15,182 --> 01:03:22,402 and facets of, you know, and I'm not going to get into that. Not all polytheism is really polytheism. 911 01:03:22,582 --> 01:03:27,482 It's the multifaceted aspects of the human soul that are being reflected through it. But that's a 912 01:03:27,482 --> 01:03:36,562 whole tangent boy let's go on a tangent with timothy tangent tim you want to come on a tangent 913 01:03:36,562 --> 01:03:45,842 with me milo are you my milo mr mr milo mr dog anyway they would say that vishnu will come to you 914 01:03:45,842 --> 01:03:53,262 in whatever form he you want him to in order to be god so if you want him to be the christian god 915 01:03:53,262 --> 01:04:04,342 there he is he's jesus or he's krishna or he you know um or he's uh um science and technology and 916 01:04:04,342 --> 01:04:13,962 no personality and just an isness with no rhyme or reason you know there's lots of rhyme trust me 917 01:04:13,962 --> 01:04:19,482 there's pattern all through reality in life you know you can get you can make you crazy too if 918 01:04:19,482 --> 01:04:21,982 You go like getting too deep into like numbers and stuff. 919 01:04:22,682 --> 01:04:26,802 But meaning, you know, I'll tell you again and again and again and again and again and again and again. 920 01:04:26,902 --> 01:04:28,942 You give it the meaning. 921 01:04:29,102 --> 01:04:31,302 That's your sacred right. 922 01:04:31,302 --> 01:04:39,622 You know, we can stick with the Abrahamic traditions because I was brought up in a Catholic kind of understanding. 923 01:04:39,802 --> 01:04:42,422 Right. It's like Adam named things. 924 01:04:42,942 --> 01:04:48,742 He gave things their meaning, their definition, what they are or aren't. 925 01:04:48,742 --> 01:04:51,582 You know, there's more than just putting a label on stuff. 926 01:04:51,582 --> 01:04:54,422 I think there's so much deep metaphor in that stuff. 927 01:04:57,422 --> 01:05:01,022 Eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil 928 01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:04,482 was the fall of man, right? 929 01:05:04,482 --> 01:05:05,322 Because, 930 01:05:08,062 --> 01:05:19,724 we talk more about that if you want You know I don know this isn Bible study group And I not you know I was brought up with this stuff And so like I find it interesting 931 01:05:19,724 --> 01:05:26,624 And I'm interested in my spiritual views are complex and far away. 932 01:05:26,704 --> 01:05:29,284 But basically, it's like what's true for you is true for you. 933 01:05:29,404 --> 01:05:31,344 And I can honor that just fine. 934 01:05:31,344 --> 01:05:42,444 I don't care what you call it as long as it brings you back to peace and love in here because then that's what's going to pour out of you. 935 01:05:43,224 --> 01:05:46,244 I want you to find yourself. 936 01:05:49,004 --> 01:05:49,604 Why? 937 01:05:49,844 --> 01:05:50,884 Why should I care? 938 01:05:51,284 --> 01:05:59,064 Because I want you to fall back in love with yourself as hard as you might think that might be depending upon who you are. 939 01:05:59,064 --> 01:06:04,684 maybe, maybe you think that's not hard at all. Maybe you think you already are. Maybe you actually 940 01:06:04,684 --> 01:06:10,324 already are. And you know, you might have something to teach me, buddy. You know, I'm open to it. 941 01:06:10,744 --> 01:06:17,204 Okay. If it's given with love, I'll receive it with love. If it's not, I'll drop it like it's hot. 942 01:06:18,124 --> 01:06:25,484 It's okay. Cause I don't need it. It's okay. I'll use my discernment. You use your discernment and 943 01:06:25,484 --> 01:06:28,264 We can maybe both respect each other on that level. 944 01:06:28,424 --> 01:06:29,204 Okay, it's fine. 945 01:06:29,704 --> 01:06:32,044 That's what your discernment is for, for you to decide. 946 01:06:33,044 --> 01:06:37,924 I would encourage you to contemplate the difference between discernment and judgment, though. 947 01:06:41,224 --> 01:06:44,744 Because that's what the knowledge of good and evil is, is judgment. 948 01:06:45,964 --> 01:06:48,284 That this is good and that this is bad. 949 01:06:49,884 --> 01:06:54,464 When that's true from a perspective. 950 01:06:55,484 --> 01:07:02,764 the wolf killed the rabbit and ate it from the rabbit's perspective that was evil 951 01:07:02,764 --> 01:07:08,964 it just got murdered and from the hungry wolf's perspective 952 01:07:08,964 --> 01:07:14,204 it was a blessing that there was a rabbit for dinner because that's what wolves eat 953 01:07:14,204 --> 01:07:24,124 is it good or bad it just is and then you go well i'm i'm well aware of the slippery slopes and how 954 01:07:24,124 --> 01:07:28,884 quickly people were going to find like the lunatic fringe to bring into like, but what 955 01:07:28,884 --> 01:07:32,944 about this example right here? You know, you know, and then we're talking about Pol Pot 956 01:07:32,944 --> 01:07:38,084 and Hitler and, you know, and God knows whatever horrific stuff can come out of history. 957 01:07:39,364 --> 01:07:46,564 Earlier today in a conversation, I mentioned that babies will die if they don't get any 958 01:07:46,564 --> 01:07:50,884 kind of attention, that they need a connection with the person. People are programmed from 959 01:07:50,884 --> 01:08:03,506 to seek out the mother face you know Part of the reason that that knowledge is because some sick people actually subjected human babies to this and found out 960 01:08:11,626 --> 01:08:18,886 Let's not repeat those experiments. Let's take the lesson and run with it. And anyway, 961 01:08:21,546 --> 01:08:23,446 loving you, 962 01:08:25,126 --> 01:08:26,126 and I do. 963 01:08:28,606 --> 01:08:29,346 I do. 964 01:08:31,706 --> 01:08:36,186 Even if you turn out to be somebody who doesn't like me or I don't like you, 965 01:08:36,986 --> 01:08:38,726 liking and loving aren't the same thing. 966 01:08:40,926 --> 01:08:44,446 I don't like how some people in my life treat me, 967 01:08:45,466 --> 01:08:48,106 even though I dearly love them, 968 01:08:49,746 --> 01:08:51,026 deeply love them. 969 01:08:51,546 --> 01:08:56,646 but if I would just said straight up, it's like, yeah, but I don't like you, 970 01:08:56,646 --> 01:09:00,866 you know, that would be such a personal rejection of identity. And it's like, 971 01:09:00,866 --> 01:09:03,246 I don't need to say it like that. 972 01:09:04,466 --> 01:09:08,526 Be mean about it or nothing like that. I'm not anyway, 973 01:09:08,726 --> 01:09:11,366 but I just want to make the point. 974 01:09:15,406 --> 01:09:15,886 So 975 01:09:15,886 --> 01:09:20,986 I can talk to you 976 01:09:21,546 --> 01:09:23,386 in your little ear hole. 977 01:09:24,126 --> 01:09:25,606 Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. 978 01:09:26,046 --> 01:09:27,466 I'm right up in there with you. 979 01:09:28,066 --> 01:09:28,346 Yeah. 980 01:09:28,826 --> 01:09:31,326 Well, you did invite me by putting on your headphones 981 01:09:31,326 --> 01:09:34,446 or being in earshot of your speaker 982 01:09:34,446 --> 01:09:35,986 and pressing that play button. 983 01:09:36,486 --> 01:09:38,126 You know, so you can own that. 984 01:09:40,426 --> 01:09:41,286 It's all right. 985 01:09:43,286 --> 01:09:44,126 I'm grateful. 986 01:09:44,786 --> 01:09:45,426 It's all right. 987 01:09:45,426 --> 01:09:46,326 You know. 988 01:09:51,546 --> 01:09:53,926 I'm going to stop. 989 01:09:54,606 --> 01:09:58,506 I can just pick up the phone and record more later when I want to. 990 01:09:59,806 --> 01:10:05,866 For now, I'm going to wish you a good night until we talk again. 991 01:10:06,966 --> 01:10:08,406 Or until I talk to you. 992 01:10:09,106 --> 01:10:11,126 Until you get around to talking to me too. 993 01:10:11,946 --> 01:10:13,266 If only just to let me know. 994 01:10:14,546 --> 01:10:15,206 What's work? 995 01:10:15,406 --> 01:10:16,286 What helps you? 996 01:10:16,286 --> 01:10:25,106 you know what you don't have to just give me value back in you know treasure time and talent like 997 01:10:25,106 --> 01:10:31,026 taking the time to watch but also taking the time to communicate research I'm communicating with you 998 01:10:31,026 --> 01:10:49,247 I sharing with you you can reciprocate that way you can share back with me what it is that you getting out of it or what it may or may not mean to you Help me understand like if I offering you something that I want to give you because I want it to be of a benefit 999 01:10:49,847 --> 01:10:58,567 then, you know, I'm not trying to be too cryptic about it or try to make it hard for you or a difficult listening experience 1000 01:10:58,567 --> 01:11:03,147 so that fewer people are going to want to bother or something like that, you know? 1001 01:11:03,147 --> 01:11:08,067 it's like these are the understandings that have helped me 1002 01:11:08,067 --> 01:11:15,927 and so wanting to share them just to say the holy shared them you know it's like no 1003 01:11:15,927 --> 01:11:18,267 i actually mean it so 1004 01:11:18,267 --> 01:11:26,087 if the way that i'm sharing it or which direction i go in 1005 01:11:26,087 --> 01:11:35,267 matters tell me or what parts mean the most to you or don't tell you know i'm you don't have to 1006 01:11:35,267 --> 01:11:41,547 there you know there's no demands this this is a demand free zone okay everybody here is 1007 01:11:41,547 --> 01:11:47,627 voluntary i'm voluntarily giving you're voluntarily receiving and if you choose 1008 01:11:47,627 --> 01:11:55,267 that you feel like giving you know you're welcome to and it could just be 1009 01:11:55,267 --> 01:11:59,427 telling me, hey, you're doing a good thing. 1010 01:11:59,587 --> 01:12:00,067 Keep it up. 1011 01:12:00,407 --> 01:12:05,427 Or it could be like, you know, I'm trying, 1012 01:12:05,627 --> 01:12:07,627 but you take so long with this or that. 1013 01:12:07,747 --> 01:12:09,967 Or, you know, it's like, I will do the best I can. 1014 01:12:10,287 --> 01:12:13,587 I am not here to make promises to you, but I will. 1015 01:12:15,367 --> 01:12:16,527 I will. 1016 01:12:18,107 --> 01:12:19,747 I can try, you know. 1017 01:12:19,747 --> 01:12:22,687 It's in me to want to up my production game 1018 01:12:22,687 --> 01:12:26,027 because now that I have a reason to do this stuff, 1019 01:12:26,027 --> 01:12:27,147 I want to learn how to do it better. 1020 01:12:27,307 --> 01:12:29,347 You know, I like improvement in all kinds of ways 1021 01:12:29,347 --> 01:12:32,667 until I maybe am no longer enamored with recording video 1022 01:12:32,667 --> 01:12:33,607 and learning how to edit. 1023 01:12:33,707 --> 01:12:36,247 But I could see that as a skill that would benefit me 1024 01:12:36,247 --> 01:12:39,447 in so many other areas of my life artistically. 1025 01:12:40,107 --> 01:12:41,827 You know, I do music. 1026 01:12:42,307 --> 01:12:43,407 I like to play music. 1027 01:12:43,747 --> 01:12:45,107 I haven't really written a lot of music, 1028 01:12:45,107 --> 01:12:46,967 but I have some lyrics. 1029 01:12:46,967 --> 01:12:49,827 I started writing poetry and now suddenly I think, 1030 01:12:49,947 --> 01:12:51,767 oh wait, I can do more lyric stuff too. 1031 01:12:51,767 --> 01:12:57,287 good I don't know songs will come they're in me I have melody pieces already we'll see what happens 1032 01:12:57,287 --> 01:13:03,687 that could be an adventure if you're a musician you know maybe you're a creative person and it 1033 01:13:03,687 --> 01:13:13,187 would help you to learn a bit about my creative processes and how I tend to that in myself 1034 01:13:13,187 --> 01:13:21,267 how I view that in myself oh I have company all right I'm gonna let you go all right 1035 01:13:21,767 --> 01:13:22,667 Love you. Bye.