so there's a FedEx in a shopping plaza that's near me that I go on that plaza fairly frequently
And this FedEx is fascinating to me because its clientele seems to be women between the age of 30 and 50 who are good looking women and they all drive nice cars.
Okay.
Like I sit in the parking lot.
With binoculars?
No, right there.
I yell a wooga.
No, but it's like the women that come out of there, it's like 75% of the people that are there are like good looking rich women at a FedEx at a just normal shopping plaza.
Isn't that weird?
Doesn't that strike you as very odd that it's not more like normal people?
What are these women shipping?
These sound like hot stepmoms near me.
they're probably
mailing
their ugly first husbands
for alimony
but they also have enough money
why are they doing the shipping
well don't you know it's also that FedEx
has hot delivery drivers
and attractive women
who drive nice cars
all fantasize about hooking up with
hot delivery drivers
I bet you if you were to go into that store in the back
they had a room with a delivery van in it
so
they had the van in the room yeah just to help fulfill some fantasies yeah uh uh someone that i
was i was at that parking lot today and someone that i was with was like man if i was a poonhound
i would work at that fedex like yes you would you were driving around with my dad
oh my god if dennis gets a job there the line's gonna be around the block
um yeah wow i know it's it's very odd to me because it's like i'll just like sit there and
just be like just watch for like a few minutes and it's like what's going on you know i have
another angle on this you probably haven't considered what's that you were there too
you know what that means i didn't go into the fedex okay so you're hot curious yes i know i'm
worried that i that i would go into that fedex and i'd be like no i'm the ugliest one here no
they would all part for you yeah and someone would hold open the door and you'd see the driver like
beckoning you from the van right well no but if he saw me leave my toyota corolla i don't think
he'd be no you gotta have an acura or higher actually no if he saw you he'd be like we don't
always have to follow the rules yeah and some rules are made to be broken so what if there's
a whole other like fedex like the fedex drivers are sick of the hot women so they go somewhere
where there's just average looking women that they get to have sex with um another location
you mean because if there's a hot location there's got to be like a well like no the women have the
fedex where they go and there's the room that has the van and the so where do the fedex drivers go
oh when they just want to get there's a room with a toyota corolla in it
yeah that's probably just go home
yeah hey honey hey average honey you're my fantasy disappoint me baby i mean
as long you know i guess there's nothing wrong with it as long as there's a bunch of consenting
adults that are doing this into FedEx.
I don't have a problem with it,
but it just is odd.
Because I mean,
there's a UPS store that I go to
to drop off my Amazon returns.
What's the clientele like there?
Normal. Regular.
And I would argue that
this UPS store is in a nicer
part of town.
The sexier part
of town. It's the sexier part of town.
Sometimes that's enough.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm not a doctor.
I just wanted to put it out there.
Listeners, if you want to know where this FedEx is,
if you are in the market for a lady of means who's attractive.
I have actually one friend I think I should be telling about this FedEx.
That's the friend I thought was with you in the car.
No, no.
uh no he would have just left the car and gone into fedex um no but you can um send us a dm us
on social media at very fine friends speaking of which welcome to very fine friends i said that
kind of weird it's not like very fine friends very fine friends um how are you francis i mean
yeah i'm not as good as a fedex driver in the next best part of town but i'm doing okay fedex
driver next to a pot belly but but you're doing pretty good i just picture that's what someone
describes them if they were saying next to me that's what the fedex driver it's like it's he
he's at work and he's next to a pop belly he goes home to his average wife he's next to a pot belly
Like, he's surrounded by it.
Yeah.
Isn't that a terrible name for a restaurant?
I like pot belly.
The sandwiches are good.
But why be like, you're going to get fat if you eat this?
At least they're honest.
Yeah.
Like, would you go to a restaurant called Dump Truck Ass?
Kind of.
It's probably pretty good food.
I mean, I'm good for a joke.
Like when I see like a Thai or like a pho place and it's like a pun, I'm like, I want to go.
Yeah.
There's one that was unforgettable.
I'm like, you deserve to have me try your soup.
Did you try it?
No.
Was it forgettable?
I was en route to another location.
Yeah.
I was with someone else.
Oh.
They already decided on a place.
What was I going to do?
I'd be like, I saw a pun.
Please.
I got to go.
Go back.
quick interruption every week on the podcast we do something where our producer joe gives
francis and i each our own secret word throughout the course of the podcast we need to find a way
to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing if the other
person can correctly guess the secret word they get a point and right before we die we add up all
points. And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words. Jenna's secret word is consenting. Jenna's decoy word
is 14. Francis's secret word is Einstein. Francis's decoy word is masturbation. Back to the pod.
you know what i'd like to do i think i have an idea let's hear it i'd like to hear the invention
of the week inventions oh i was way off what did you what did you think i'm just joshing you
oh you want an invention yeah you want an invention i'll give you an invention yeah
okay
here it is okay you know how
traffic sucks oh i do know that you know how i had a previous invention that helped people move
around town but it was maybe not so practical your uh catapult ball yeah thing yeah yeah
Yeah.
I hit the drawing board.
I have a new solution.
You know how it would be cool if we could ride a train to work if it got you there fast?
Yes, I do know that.
Is your seatbelt buckled?
Because you're about to fly out of that thing.
Okay.
Here's my invention.
Into traffic.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
Here it is.
I was thinking about this today while I was in traffic.
if if you
here we go if you could get in you know how sometimes like in the tube or you know on the
subway like there's a lot of people in the tube like a jolly old jolly old bridget jones's tube
yeah yeah so there could be a lot of people standing next to each other right yeah so here
I mean, here's where it gets cool.
You get in.
Okay?
You are, you're standing.
You stay standing.
Okay.
You hold on to the ropey thing.
And you're in like a, like a train shaped container.
Okay?
Yeah.
And then a helicopter picks it up and drives it across town and sets it down.
With other people in it?
Yeah.
It's a bunch of people.
It's like a subway.
it's a subway for the sky.
It's a...
What's Latin for above?
Superway.
That's it.
The superway.
Okay.
I'm assuming they're going to have to be stops
like a train.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Yeah.
So
they're still kind of far apart,
I'm assuming.
You can't have them like...
So there's still a lot of commuting going on.
It works just like a train, except for a helicopter carries it.
Yeah, the super way.
Yeah.
What's the benefit?
What's the benefit of having the helicopter carry it if it's just taking you to fixed points like a train would?
Why not have it just be on rails?
You basically invented something between a puddle jumper and a bus.
which there's clearly a need for.
And the reason it's better is because, look, let's face facts.
They're not going to lay down tracks for a subway or a big train.
They're just not going to do it.
They've had time.
They've shown us they're not going to do it.
So we need to pick up the slack and do our own thing.
We must take to the sky.
We're away.
what what weight capacity can a helicopter handle
5 000 pounds okay so how much is this train itself weigh i wouldn't be surprised if a train car
weighs close to 5 000 pounds well i did just pull that number out of nowhere so it could be more
Okay.
Joe will look it up.
And while we're talking about this, I mean, yes, it's not going to go from,
although it could go for just a couple of miles.
Listen, it's just like a bus system.
Some of them are dropped.
You go to the one where it's taking you where you want to go.
Oh, I need to go five miles away?
You get on this one.
Oh, I need to go across town?
You get on this one.
But I haven't told you the most exciting part.
Okay.
You know how people are scared of falling from the sky?
Yes, I do know that.
if there was any sort of issue,
the helicopter could let the train go.
The train has a couple of parachutes
that will deploy, but also...
Like Operation Dumbo drop?
Yes.
Yes, but also there's more.
Because you're in an enclosed space.
The cabin.
So, you know how they say on planes,
like, oh, an oxygen mask will fall down
and you'll be okay?
You'll be okay, kid, as they say.
Yeah.
Little mouth tubes drop
so that you can breathe oxygen
because the whole cabin is going to fill the proprietary hardening foam
that squeezes in between everyone so that if there is impact,
you're like in a gelatinous foam where it takes most of the shock.
Okay.
And you're breathing in the air tube.
So all these air tubes coming out the top.
You better suck on it, yeah.
And then how long does it take to get out?
and and how many people have had a panic attack because they're trapped in this gelatinous foam
with just a breathing tube well keep in mind this is a rare event okay so um
parachutes deploy from the train car presumably to as gently as possible lower it yeah um
then the thing also fills with foam very quickly yes but you also have to put
the tube in really quickly what if somebody misses the tube they have a 10 second window
okay what you know how then the airplane they always say do your mask first and then a child
yeah like what if there's not enough time to be like and then baby and then the baby
doesn't know what's happening and uh there are risks in life this is one of those risks
you would need two of the world's
largest helicopters
to carry one average
size passenger train
just a train or a train
car train car
okay
okay that makes
my invention all the richer
beautiful isn it the sight of two helicopters side by side investors if you listening and we know you are What about just helicopters that take you from place to place
Well, that can only take a couple of people.
We're trying to, you know, help multiple.
The masses?
Yeah, the masses.
Okay.
What about the potential for...
You're not going to have very many stops because all these helicopters would be hitting each other, going from place to place in the air.
Wouldn't they?
No.
Oh, okay.
The training is...
You looked at me like I was an idiot.
They will be told specifically during their onboarding that that's not allowed and don't do it.
They will be shown a VHS in their half-day training that says don't hit other helicopters.
Well, the helicopters are...
See what we're doing is we're going to weld two of those helicopters together side by side with enough space so that the propellers, the blades never hit each other.
Or it could be one in the front and one in the back.
I like the idea of welding two helicopters together, though.
We don't talk about it enough, that's for sure.
Let's go back to the foam.
the edge what about can you invent some kind of proprietary technology that makes
everybody and the train car quickly the birds are jealous i don't know if you can hear the birds in
the background listeners but they're jealous of all the new helicopters they're turning in
yes they're like no this is our space um what if um instead of foam there's a proprietary
technology that shrinks
everybody in it
and the train car itself down
to an ant so that it can fall
and then not get hurt, which we learned about
or which I learned about
a few episodes ago.
It seems just as possible.
Come on.
If Rick Moranis couldn't do it,
he did do it.
He could do it because he did.
They made an old movie about it.
He shrunk the kids.
It's titular.
Honey, he did.
And then he blew one up.
Then they shrunk themselves.
Great films.
We should watch those sometime.
Yeah.
Sure, that's one way to go.
I'm trying to pitch this to people who are scared of being shrunken, too.
But not scared of being smothered to death by foam?
It's not a smothering foam.
It's a helping foam.
okay yeah um and you can get out of it it tears it's like bread
um well if you if it tears like bread then how is it saving you i guess well it's for shock it's
for impact you know if you had 2 000 sheets of bread between you and your car door and you got
into an accident it would help i actually that sounds kind of comfortable just laying a bunch
of white bread down and yeah now you're getting on it like a mattress now you're getting it
yeah that kind of sound kind of good yeah there will be signs
there's um one thing that we haven't really talked about why this is a huge
step forward for passenger technology?
Oh, well, please.
I mean, I feel like you've already sold it,
but if you feel like you need to further sweeten the deal.
I do, I do.
The reason a lot of people don't ride on trains
is because of public masturbation.
Yeah.
This will cut down on that to zero.
How?
Because you have to stand up and hold the...
Some ways you have to do that.
That's why they're called strap hangers.
Well, everyone knows it's harder to do that in the sky.
Yeah.
Everyone knows that, Jenna.
I think that'll just...
The people that are publicly doing that,
they are not...
They're not doing it because it's like,
well, it's so easy.
I have to do it.
They're doing it because of the rumbles of the road beneath them.
It wakens things.
No, I think the being in public is the main motivator.
No.
No?
Nope.
I'm telling you how it is.
Oh, okay.
That's why I don't take public transportation.
The risk.
The risk of the rumble.
Because you're a good citizen.
Yeah.
Also cameras and stuff.
Oh, so it's really more the fear of getting caught.
It's both.
You can be good and you can be scared.
um okay so uh so this will somehow magically prevent that yes yes it will without magic
so wait does that imply that the helicopter ride the train helicopter ride is going to be
so um it's gonna be so chaotic that people are gonna need to hold on with two hands
yep well it's fine too it's like a little bit woozy woozy travel what about for the people
who get airsick or carsick what about the people who don't like bean soup they don't eat bean soup
that don't go on our thing.
You know what I mean?
But you are pitching this as a way to help the masses.
I'm sure there are people who get card sick
who ride on the subway.
Okay?
You need to get somewhere.
You're just going to have to bring a vomit bag.
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm not God.
I can't solve every problem.
I can only use numbers and symbols.
So, okay.
So this is better than a train
because people aren't building trains?
Yes, the government won't do it.
I don't know.
I feel like they keep trying to force new light rail on us.
Yeah, but not in the way I want.
What about an elevated train?
You know I'm all about it.
Less light rail, more white bread to cushion our transport.
I think we just found our shouting campaign thing in front of City Hall.
less light rail more white bread to cushion our falls thank you joe
okay this is better than an elevated train i understand not creating a subway that's a lot
of infrastructure that needs to be that's like a lot of hard work um for an established city
we can't do it here because of our caliche because of what our caliche what what what
our thick clay-like soil oh i have not heard that term before let me say it again caliche
okay
okay noted literally yeah
um what were you okay what were we naming this thing my first thought was
we
because of us
being on it
because we're all on it
cute right
why do I call it us
because we also
as the like fun
hands of of course you know
we should start saying us
when we have fun though
I'm down
do you have any backups
Joe's usually the
the naming einstein that's right we were calling it the super way super way because it's subway but
super way yes yes yes um this is a side note but you saying we just reminded me
yesterday there were plumbers at our house and they were doing like hydro jet cleaning of inside
our pipes it's like blasting water into it and i was inside the house and um uh
I heard one of them be like alright ready
like a ready let go and then
the other guy goes we
it was funny to me
that would have been me as the plumber
anyway that was a side note
okay so the super way
super way is cute
why don't they call elevated trains that
I don't know Jenna
I don't know why I'm looking at you
super bus is cute too right super bus
wait yeah they
they call those super buses don't they do they those like elevated maybe
i don't know sorry sorry for looking at you like it was your fault that they're not named that joe
we know the power you have and refuse to use
baby are you down um okay well um you'd ride it right i'd ride it sure if it existed yeah i'd ride
it of course all of this is going to exist existence yeah i kind of actually hope that
it falls out of the air just so i can experience this so you want to see the foam in action well i
i i people will so quickly freak the f out because of claustrophobia and just the panic
that sets in from feeling like you're trapped and you're never going to be able to get out again
well only one way to find out okay so interestingly the super bus was or maybe it's pronounced
superbus i don't know but it was a dutch like high speed electric luxury transport
vehicle concept uh and it was designed to carry 23 people at a time at
250 kilometers an hour which is 155 miles per hour nice on dedicated super lanes alongside
highways featuring a sleek carbon fiber body so it looks really cool um and as far as the status
it says the project which receives significant public and private funding developed and tested
prototypes demonstrate impressive capabilities however the extensive infrastructure required for
its high speeds meant it was it remained a concept rather than a widely deployed transport solution
like the high-speed rail in in california it's lost like hundreds of billions of dollars and not
a single track has been laid.
Just give it to us. I know.
You know how great it would be if you could take
a high-speed rail
from Phoenix to San Diego? It'd be awesome.
Yeah. And you'd think
hundreds of billions of dollars would have gotten it.
Ooh, that's cool looking.
It looks like an eggplant
with wheels.
Yeah.
I love it.
Look it up, listeners. It looks cool.
The Dutch Superbus.
um well there it is where the dutch have failed we shall succeed yes we
us okay well i guess that wraps up the invention of the week
it's time now for our next segment freaky thursday
Oh my god, this Thursday is so freaky.
In this segment, one of us, namely Francis, is going to start a story.
If at any point in time I could jump in and say the same word Francis is about to say at the same time,
then we switch and I need to continue telling the story.
And then Francis has to try and jump back in.
Back and forth.
Until the story's over.
Or one of us dies.
Oh, okay.
Jody, you have bets on which one's going to happen first?
Well, I plan to kill one of you, so I don't think that this is a fair bet.
Hey, well, use your insider knowledge.
Yeah, this is the time to let it shine.
I don't play that way.
Okay.
He looked really menacing audience just now, just so you know.
Yep.
He scared us.
And he pulled out a shotgun.
Okay.
So I'm going to begin a story.
Okay.
You may not know this about me, but I was a super Harry Potter head.
And I was obsessed to the point where it was my entire personality.
And when the movies were, or sorry, when the books were being released, you'd have to wait a long time.
But they had these events that you would go to.
So the book was being released at midnight.
So there would be a long line around the block and people would be waiting for the doors to open.
Oh, okay.
and um i remember one time i got in right at midnight and i was like not very i was kind of
close to the beginning of the line and you were dressed like hagrid yeah oh and um no they had
activities and one of those activities was to create your own magic wand and so uh i
pulled out so i got to the front of the line where they were had the magic wand creating station
and uh right then and there i pulled out a box of licorice burrillo spaghetti
and i said you can't stop me i'm gonna make every single one of these a wand and
And the employee at the event was like,
No.
Damn, he found a loophole.
And they proceeded to have to sit there and watch me take each strand Spaghetti
Of spaghetti.
Which is a great pasta.
And create my magic wand.
While I was halfway through, we ran out of supplies,
and there was a lot of children crying as a result.
But I'm a Slytherin, and I didn't care.
as a matter of fact I broke all the wands in front of them
and laughed
so did you
I didn't say emphatically enough keep going
anyway they let me continue
anyway I got the book at midnight
and we went home
and I immediately started to read it
and the weird thing was
I had all of my spaghetti wands
and I was playing with the spaghetti wands while I was reading opening the book
and I as I opened to the very first chapter I dropped my spaghetti wands and then suddenly
the words on the page started to jumble up and change and then I was and then they rearranged
themselves and then the introduction page said for jenna francis because i am you in this story
i have taken over yeah and i open up the first chapter and it says francis you boy
who lived
ruined a night
for a bunch of children.
Which did hurt
my feelings a bit, but also
I didn't really care.
So I kept
reading and it
said that actually I was
also a wizard, which seemed
a little on the nose because
like what are
the odds? Get a new idea. Yeah.
Come on. But I was
willing to keep reading because it was about me and that's cool and uh but things got a little
weird because it was uh it wasn't just like oh here's your invitation to magic school it was like
i need you to commit this dark heinous crime and then you can get your birthright and i was like
what but i wanted my birthright so i had to do it so i went to the local food city
which is where this heinous crime was going to take place and i purchased all the baby food
and threw it into the dumpster as per the instructions.
And then tons of mothers arrived screaming hungry babies in tow.
And they went to the food city and they're like, quickly, my baby's about to starve.
And I was like, shut up.
You know what your babies aren't?
Wizards.
And then I laughed and I turned back and I said, check the dumpster.
and then I laughed some more.
And then while they were checking the dumpster,
I said it on time.
While they were checking the dumpster,
you started throwing your excess spaghetti wands at them and laughing even
more.
And as the wands hit their weary backs,
as they were scurrying through the dumpster,
the babies cried louder and louder.
and you decided
that you were going to take these children
and make them wizards.
And so you thought,
screw Hogwarts.
I'm going to create my own wizarding academy.
And so you took all of these
stolen starving babies
and you shepherded them into an abandoned tuna factory.
And you said, babies, I'm going to make y'all wizards.
And the babies suddenly weren't hungry anymore.
And they snapped to attention.
There was something about the command in my voice that made them really want to listen and see what I was all about.
Also, they were in keto now, so they weren't hungry anymore.
And once the danger of hunger and the distraction of hunger was behind them, we could really get to work.
So we developed a plan.
these babies would go out into the world
and find
babyless mothers
and cry in front of them
and when the milk
when the mothers bent down
to pick the babies up
the babies would
the babies would slap them
and then the mothers would cry
and then while the mothers were crying
I would go to the mother food aisle
and throw all of that food in the dumpster.
And then, but oh no, plan backfired
because now your army of baby wizards
had all these mothers to take care of.
So now the army of baby wizards
brought the crying mothers to Food City.
And they were like, well, quick, we need food for our husbands
who have been silent this whole time.
And then they wondered, should we all get divorced?
meanwhile i'm back at my home watching all this from the food city cctv
app and i was loving it i was loving it it was nothing but chaos and as you know for a new wizard
chaos is supreme um so i looked at the book i had i went to the back and there was a phone number
because i didn't want to read the whole thing and i called a number that was on the back it was 1-800
wizard wizard and the operator on the other end said hello francis
and I said
how do you do
alright
hi I'm trying to reach JK
I need to tell her about how my evil
plan is going and the operator
said
what have you learned along the way
and I said to the operator
I learned that it
doesn't pay to make mothers
cry and it
doesn't pay to try
to make an army of wizards
wizards wizards and then the operator said that's the incorrect answer
my son i'm sorry you were supposed to have enjoyed your army of baby wizards and um i i just lost i
had a mental breakdown because I just realized at this moment I did not take my antipsychotic
medication this morning. And I started to wonder, how much of this is real? Did I really hurt babies
and mothers? Who am I and who do I want to be? So first thing Monday morning, I made an appointment
with my psychiatrist. Luckily, it could get me in the same day because I was their only client.
And we talked for a while. I got a new subscription to a prescription.
and the weirdest thing happened they um they hit on me they said francis i'd like to go out on a
date which was super inappropriate awkward because i was only 14
and someone that's 14 should not be dating their psychiatrist but then i thought what the hell i
can't get in trouble they're gonna get in trouble and now i have an angle to blackmail them but i
said all this out loud so they very quickly retracted the offer for a date so i went home
asked all the remaining babies to leave asked a few mothers to stay and we watched dr phil
And on this episode of Dr. Phil, the good man himself said, you out there on TV land, I got a message for all of you.
Keep watching.
Thanks.
It was super poignant.
My whole worldview started to change.
and even though I felt like a normal person again
in my heart I knew
that part of me would always be
a little wizard
the end
wow
I can't believe that happened to you
I know
I remember hearing something about the baby food shortage at Food City
but I didn't realize it was
because of you
I didn't know you at the time I just saw it on the news
it was a super dark period and I don't really identify with that person anymore
well thank god
Dr. Phil
pulled you out of it.
What a man. You know the reason he's bald
is because every time he helped someone a hair went away.
Yeah. What a man
what a man what a man what a mighty
fun. Mighty mighty
fun.
Wow.
I'm glad we made it through.
Freaky
Thursday.
That was the
freakiest Thursday I've ever
had.
Okay.
It's time for one final segment.
The Big Question.
The question is very big.
Do you have a question?
No.
It's okay.
I do.
Yay.
Okay.
I want you to come up with a few catchphrases and their meaning or like new expressions in
society and like when you would use them.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yes.
Okay.
What a man, what a man, what a man.
What a modified man.
Here's one.
Ficus time.
Oh.
that is when you you need to overhear somebody else's conversation but you can't be seen
oh so it's ficus time i get it yeah uh it's like what does janice up to i don't know we
managed to do a little ficus time that's great actually thanks oh your first one right at the
gate ficus time yeah holy hell i came to i came to play my friend you did no you not came to play
you came to you came to win okay um you came for the foam
um do you have one i'll think of some more sure but if you have one we can go back and forth yeah
that would be speaking of foam i think we should do something with foam so maybe like um
catching foam or like i'm yeah catching foam what when when does that happen uh when things
are about to get rocky like when the foam would release in one of our trains um you need to like
lock in you know and hold steady so it's literally catching foam it's not a euphemism for something
No. Kitchen phone.
Sorry, I didn't know Ficus time.
I've got one.
Okay.
Food dumpster.
It's for when a bunch of people want something
and they're all clawing at it.
Food dumpster?
Yeah, like the new iPhone model
that just came out.
Oh, a total food dumpster.
Everyone wants it.
They're all crying for it.
Like a bunch of babies.
Or mothers.
and I asked a few of the mothers to stay.
Okay.
Shadow life.
Shadow life is, you know,
Plato's The Cave,
where people just see shadows and they think it's what's happening in real life
shadow life is is anyone who's just in denial he's living a total shadow life my man
i think the phrase shadow life already exists oh i hope that's not your word
no it's not i'll give you a pass on that one um because it's like when you live a double life
that's like a i thought that was just like if you were like living in the shadow like no one
knows you i i'm reappropriating the term shadow not every one of these can be ficus time
oh okay i see how it is i'm just saying yeah yeah but
um what about um
What?
What about He a real unibrow What does it mean
It means, um, a guy who he looks, he, he looks like he's got two, two eyes.
He looks like you see him with two eyes, but no, he's singularly focused.
he's a real unibrow
okay
that's interesting
what about
you're gonna be saying that all the time now
yeah maybe
what about
Juice Magoo
it's someone who bungles everything
but they do it so sweetly
or like always well-intentioned you know like i know they were trying but they messed up
yeah yeah juice magoo that's good i think that'll catch on that's a good one okay
um hello zeitgeist
as Juvia used to say
tentacle freeze
that's when
that's when you have
like a lot of projects going on
but you can't finish any of them
it's like you got a lot of tentacles
going all which ways
but then
that's good
It's a real tentacle freeze.
Like there's so much going on that you can't know what to do?
I have tentacle freeze.
I can't finish anything.
I've started eight different projects.
Yeah, that's good.
That's good.
What about...
Table tooth.
It's when you invite someone new to your group, but they talk too much.
Oh.
You know?
Yeah.
Like I was trying to give you a chance to be in our group.
And then no, it's like you're exhausting.
Yeah.
It's not worth it.
Yeah.
How about a silent scream?
That's when you make eye contact.
you make eye contact with um uh a friend of yours like when you're in a public situation
and you both know you're thinking the same thing we just silent screamed okay i feel like that
it's pretty close to a real thing but but we're putting words to it and that's good yeah
yeah well what what you mean the what it means or the silent scream or like silent screaming is
like a thing no i'm reappropriating it because i want it to be fun i don't want it to be about
screaming i want it to be like it was so loud to both of us but you know that thing where you like
kind of like side eye your friend and then you both like raise eyebrows because you you know
you're both thinking the same thing that's a silent scream i got one okay condom popping
is that where you're trying to trick a man into marrying you no no it's when you're with your
friends and you see someone really hot in public and you point to him you're like condom popping
condom popping yeah implying that you would pop a condom oh i thought it meant like just wood
slug bug hottie which by the way i i really love the just saying wood i don't know i don't know
why it's very funny to me um and no one will ever know which one you're referring to
maybe there's a u and an l in it yeah maybe maybe it's l woods from legally blonde no one will ever
know uh i have one for when you when we've been saying the name first and then saying what it's
for i want to try saying what it's for first saying the name uh when you try to think of
something in the moment and then like you forget about it and then a week later you remember what
it is last week's lottery oh lwl
situation um that's good so i was smart to think of the situation first as opposed to working
backwards from the phrase which is what i've been doing we wouldn't have gotten ficus time
without that that's true we'll always have ficus time
um um
no i can't work i can't work that way i gotta i can't come up with something
that needs fixing and then me have a phrase for it
zucchini fingers go on that's um a person who
has really chubby fingers,
but the rest of their body
isn't proportional to their chubby fingers.
Okay.
Because it's like,
sometimes people use zucchini
as a substitute for meat.
That's true.
Yeah.
So it's like,
they look like they're meaty fingers,
but the rest of their body isn't meaty,
so it's fake meat.
Zucchini fingers.
Okay.
That's nice.
Thank you.
What about,
ranch bastard.
You know how people put ranch on things
and other people judge them? Yeah.
It's for a person that judges
something you like. So it's like
a grammar Nazi for
food. For food. A ranch bastard?
That's good. That's real good.
That'll catch on.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's real good.
That's your trellis time.
what did you just say that's your trellis time why are you saying wait not trellis
ficus god
trellis time trellis time is when if you're listening and we know you are trellis time is when
when you have that late afternoon feeling
and you just, it's that early or late afternoon glass of wine.
It's trellis time.
Because it's like you're sitting under a trellis in Italy.
I thought it was going to be it's ficus time,
but when you have to spy on someone from above instead of horizontally.
That would be good.
Super spy.
Yeah.
I don't know why I said trellis.
I'm sorry.
I think that's because I'm looking at one.
Maybe.
Could be.
Do you have any other catchphrases?
Nope.
All right.
Sorry, I got distracted for a second there.
I think we can end on Ranch Bastard.
I think that was a good one.
That's great.
That wraps up the big question.
The big question.
All right.
Hey, you.
Yeah.
Okay.
One last bit of business.
Yep.
We all know what it is.
Everyone waits for it.
Secret words.
You want me to make some guesses?
Sure.
I wrote down sexier.
No, I don't even remember saying sexier.
Maybe it was a state of being.
I also wrote down...
You think I was just being my secret word?
you were embodying it yeah okay it's crazy
i wrote down potbelly no i was legitimately talking about potbelly the sandwich shop next
to the fedex i wrote down you're welcome potbelly if you're listening we know you are we have
advertising opportunities available for you that one was a freebie watch as your numbers go up
big time, your sales are going to increase by a good 3% to 5%.
Then you're going to come call and you're going to want a regular spot on this show.
Let's just say you're going to see a lot more hot, rich 30 to 50-year-old women pretty soon.
Next door to your store.
No, no, no.
They're going to start coming in because they heard this episode.
All right.
Hot, rich 30 to 50-year-old women, if you're listening, and we know you are.
Don't make liars out of us.
Yeah.
I wrote down the word shadow.
you know this one really scares me because i said it a bunch ficus no i thought you were
gonna guess trellis i thought you were doing some fancy i thought you were saying trellis
so that i would say ficus another time you mean ficus and you could be like oh i wish i was that
clever you are that clever that's why i worry no do you want to know what my words were yes i do
my secret word was consenting
and I used it
before we even introed the show
I said whatever happens in the back
of that FedEx between consenting adults
it's not my business
the word consenting should never be secret
okay
and
my decoy word
was 14
that's why you said that
yes
yep why was that why did that word get populated that's such an interesting
suggestion and literally right after consenting
that's true your your suggestion general i'm not saying any more than that i'm just pointing out
a fact of what happened yeah um but also it kind of fit i i should have used it in a weirder context
because you said you were waiting for the harry potter books to come out so you were a child in
the story and so then you're now dating your therapist anyway okay it worked too well you did
a great job as per usual thanks as per usual i saw you writing some things down and sometimes i
didn't love so i'm going to just like i'm just going to accept that this week i may lose
um
okay
it's your secret word
kalichi
no
okay
um
is it
masturbate
decoy word
no that was
oh wait
no
it wasn't
it's
you wrote the incorrect form
but you said oh well then i
oh but you said i'm pretty sure you said the verb form all right well then i didn't guess your
secret word or i didn't guess your decoy word but you did reveal that you're a bad friend
um for not fully listening oh i could have
swore and i wrote that down correctly well i guess i'm lucky that i didn't
well I still have another guess
for your secret word
you never know what
worst masturbation or bad masturbation
is your secret word
anti-psychotic
no
those are my meds
just kidding I'm off of them
those were my guesses
oh good I really thought you
I really thought, didn't you think she had this?
I didn't hear what you said.
Oh, it was Einstein.
Einstein was your single word?
Yeah, I said, like, Joes are naming Einstein, so let's hear it.
Oh my god.
I know, I heard my name and I just went off in the paradise.
That checks out.
And you know my decoy word was masturbation.
Which is so funny.
I was just today thinking
would that ever
would masturbate ever be
a word that came up on that suggestion
generator I don't remember
there was something that prompted me to think of it as a potential
secret word and that's why when I wrote it down
I was like what are the odds I literally was thinking
of this today
I think it was oh because I remember
I was listening
to the episode
where Francis guessed
master as
my secret word.
That's why. And then I was like, I wonder
if masturbate would ever be
a secret word.
And then I was trying to think how I would get it in
without being gross.
Well, I'm
glad that I accidentally wrote down your secret
word wrong and you look so pissed.
I feel like I
got screwed. Yeah, and I feel like I
got saved by a bunch of foam
surrounding me so that I didn't
hit impact with your decoy word.
See? Proprietary foam. Yep.
Save a life, everyone.
Well, I'm glad
we did some good work.
Yep. I'll be
going away in my
helicopter train now. It's been great, you guys.
There he goes
Bye
Bye listeners
Bye