what's your favorite thanksgiving dish my favorite thanksgiving dish yeah oh that's
such a tough question because i get so sick of everything so fast but when it's done right i
feel like stuffing is surprisingly good totally agree yeah oh god so especially with a little
gravy oh yep yeah but when it's bad it sucks yeah then it's just like eating like dry crackers or
something but yeah good stuffing is yeah i agree stuffing is my favorite as well really yeah i'm
not surprised we're like the same person i know um and my mom makes really good stuffing but um
so but but my family doesn't do traditional thanksgiving meal we do um fettuccine and
italian sausage which is delicious and amazing um because my mom makes really good fettuccine as well
uh it's like heart attack inducing it's just like tons of butter and cream and it's just but it's
awesome it's amazing i don't know why i said but and that's why it's awesome and amazing
but lately the last few years she's been very nice and she's made stuffing because she knows
it's my favorite so in addition now at thanksgiving we have stuffing so i'm grateful for that i also
like the feel of stuffing with my bare hands i like to put some in my shoes and walk around
I sleep on stuffing as a pillow.
I wear it as underwear.
Oh, okay.
That's what's going on.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's why I slosh a little when I sit.
I wasn't going to say anything.
Well, thank you for being polite.
Now you know.
Now I know.
There aren't other problems going on.
Others think giving foods.
Woof.
Got that out.
um um like turkey to me is usually such a disappointment sorry turkeys i know you're
listening like they're it's so often flavorless and i know i mean if you're gonna
so dry if you're gonna eat a bird a chicken is a superior bird it's just we have it all the time
so it feels less important or whatever.
Plus, it doesn't have the heft that a turkey...
Turkeys get big, man.
Yeah, big old turkeys.
Big old turkeys.
Ooh, they should engineer a giant chicken.
Oh, that would be terrifying.
Just for Thanksgiving.
Just roid out a bunch of chickens.
Is that a turkey?
You wish.
What about desserts?
What about...
dessert dessert you know yeah gotta say i love a pecan pie
i used to make them as a kid it was like my thing
one of the ladies my dad was with used to make them so i was like i'm
gonna make them and i got the recipe from the back of the caro
syrup yeah but i didn't understand how to really bake and i burned every
single pie because it said to make it to like whatever let's say 45 or 55 minutes or whatever
and i would open the oven and the pie would still be sloshing about because it has to like set when
you take it out yeah but i would be like it's sloshing leave it in hour and a half and you
charred yeah but you learned yeah i put kalua in it too nice yeah it's a nice little how old were
you i was like 10 yeah i mean i didn't think of it my dad's like hey what about kalua and i was
like i'm the chef hand it to me so you got a little drunk pecan pie um and you cheesecake also
oh yeah yeah that's another thing my mom makes really well she makes the best cheesecake
um so good i don't know i it's one of those things i don't order anywhere else
because it's like why would i do that it's gonna be inferior i love you guys um i think
I don't know I like pumpkin pie I've never had pecan pie um and it's now at this point it's out
of spite for my sister Mary um because her favorite is pecan pie and I told her that it looks the
pecans gross me out because they look like roaches on top of the pie and then she's like but it tastes
so good just try it and so now I was like I'm never gonna try it now so she swears she's gonna
get me to try it before i die but i'm spiteful enough that even if it will be my favorite thing
in the whole world i'm not gonna try it she'll trick you like a dog and put stuffing on top of
it she's gonna wrap it in peanut butter and then just hand it to me maybe she'll bake you a roach
pie but it'll really be pecans oh no i would eat roach pie for sure yeah um
welcome to very fine friends happy thanksgiving everybody happy thanksgiving
yeah that's the turkey that we pardoned and i'll commit more crimes
yep no it wasn't a life or death situation for him we pardoned him from going to jail
i kill other turkeys
um so it's thanksgiving happy thanksgiving francis thank you and you as well a very happy
thanksgiving you know what or a sad one no i want a happy one okay then happy thanksgiving and i want
you to have happy ones so i'm not even giving you the option okay thank you so happy thanksgiving
not sad thanksgiving okay i'm smiling yes it looks so authentic
Like, sugar.
Thank you, though.
I appreciate it.
You're the first to wish it to me.
Wow.
I can't believe that.
I know.
You've been hustling and bustling about all day.
In my Thanksgiving outfit.
I know.
And your musket.
You're dressed as a pilgrim.
Yeah, with a buckle hat.
Mm-hmm.
And white tights.
Mm-hmm.
And a thick woolen coat made from the sheep of my family farm.
Yep.
you use the whole sheep you don't you just use the wool yeah my the gloves still have the hooves on
yeah well whatever you're doing it looks great thank you yeah um well and happy thanksgiving
i'm not gonna say sad thanksgiving to any of our listeners either i want all of them to have a
happy thanksgiving yeah sorry sorry that i gave birth to that idea yeah go go to the your other
room. Frances, go to your other room. Thank you. Well, good. I'm starting out not tripping over my
words. That's a great way to start this. Yeah. Quick interruption. Every week on the podcast,
we do something where our producer Joe gives Frances and I each our own secret word. Throughout
the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation
without the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret word,
they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize,
whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is carcass. Jenna's decoy word is antibodies.
Francis's secret word is coiled
Francis's decoy word is opportunities
back to the pod
what's your Thanksgiving resolution?
to eat a bunch of food
cool, cool
that's basically it, just enjoy the day
yeah
it's a nice fun day, I've always liked Thanksgiving
i like it because you you don't agree i don't know if i care i like the fall time yeah i think
is boring um well my family we we you know there's a bunch of us we're all together and so
it's very pleasant um okay you might feel i realize what's going on my birthday is is very
I'm pretty tied up with it, and I feel like I've been wronged.
You need to have your own special day, for sure.
Every four years, my birthday lands on Thanksgiving,
and when people wish me Thanksgiving, I say,
I think you mean happy birthday.
Yeah.
Well, I will never make that mistake.
Don't worry.
Promise me that when you're spending Thanksgiving with your family,
instead of saying happy Thanksgiving, you'll say,
happy birthday, Francis.
Oh, yeah, I will.
We're going to put up birthday decorations.
Thank you.
A birthday cake.
Pinata.
No pie.
Shaped like me.
Then we give a bat to that piñata, and it hits another piñata shaped like someone that is supposed to do a happy Thanksgiving.
You know it makes me happy.
Your piñata beats the crap out of the other piñata.
I don't want your piñata to be destroyed, basically.
I appreciate that.
Yeah.
We find any turkeys that were pardoned, we just slaughter them because there was no reason for them to be pardoned in the first place.
Yeah, and I always need backup gloves.
just a little turkey claws
oh did i say hooves yeah oh because we're talking about sheep yeah sheep yeah
no it all checked i'm okay i'm okay oh but now i want you to make a little like neck scarf that
has the the wobble the waddle thing on it uh in about 20 years i'm gonna have my own
yeah how come humans don't accessorize with their own waddles they kind of do
i guess yeah but but we should do it voluntarily we should lean into it
so then when you eventually grow your own it's it's not it's a little more natural seeming
model that waddle they should come out with a line of waddle rouge
where you just make it's like red yeah yeah um maybelline if you're listening and we know you are
waddle rouge when you make it give us credit yeah and money i don't want just credit no no
Oh, yeah, no, by credit, I meant all the dollars that are going to come from that sweet Waddle Rouge payday you're about to get.
Thank you.
That sounds like a battle from the Revolutionary War.
The battle of Waddle Rouge.
And you know what?
It will be in court if you don't give us credit.
Yeah.
We're ready.
If we're done with all this Thanksgiving talk.
I'm done with it.
There's one more thing that we can be thankful for.
The invention of the week.
Inventions.
I thought you were going to say my birthday.
I do have an invention.
It's going to seem not Thanksgiving related.
That's okay.
Okay, because it's not.
but do you know how even though people there's no vampires we don't really know that
a hundred percent uh yeah you can't prove a negative yeah yeah exactly um i've got a way
to make sure there's no vampires whoa so you can prove a negative well after this
yeah yeah well okay this will only help for people who are buried but i think it will cut
down on the vampire population um significantly the vampire it'll cut down on the population
which is already zero that we know of because right we can guarantee that it's closer to zero
than it hypothetically already is okay if you hate this i have a backup but this came to me
and I thought this has to be done.
And here's why I thought of it.
Okay, I mean, we've been needing a good practical vampire invention for some time.
I'm trying to help humanity here.
Yes.
Even though I don't care if vampires take out a bunch of people, I really don't care.
Vampires, if you're listening, you do you.
I don't care.
Yeah, I don't care.
I don't even know if I would help someone.
They were running from a vampire.
Yeah.
I probably wouldn't.
either i just go but you just watch him run and then you'd be like yeah yeah and then if you see
a vampire chasing them you're like i'm not getting involved now yeah they've made their decision yeah
and i have a movie to get to so here's the invention and i was inspired by this because
i was reading about how in the past people would get buried and then they would still be alive
and and that's where the phrase saved by the bell comes from oh really yeah so they would tie a bell
like in a string would go into the coffin and like if someone woke up they would ring the bell
and then they would know that people were actually still alive.
Wow.
Yeah.
And is that, so the TV show Saved by the Bell,
is that what that's about?
Zach Morris was accidentally buried alive.
Yes, but he never talked about it.
When you wake up in your coffin and you're feeling good,
it's all right because you're saved by the bell.
Is that the theme song?
Well, yeah, you don't remember?
I never watched it.
I skipped a whole bunch of lyrics, but I liked,
I was amused with myself for when you wake up in a coffin because it's normally when you wake up in the morning and I don't remember the rest of it after that.
Yeah, we could probably pitch a show after this episode.
Okay.
Yeah.
We'll reimagine Saved by the Bell.
Anyway, here's the invention.
Okay.
In a coffin lid, there is a stake on a hinge.
and it's on a motion sensor.
And if there's any motion at all,
the stake comes out
and stabs the person in the heart.
Okay.
Wait, is this the invention?
Yes.
Okay.
I want to make sure you need...
Remember a few seconds ago
when you were talking about
how people accidentally get buried alive?
That was a long time ago.
it's over now
don't you want them to stay down
like I don't want to deal with that
but I like knowing they're dead
for sure
what if someone was accidentally
buried alive and then they're like
they wake up and they're like oh no
and then the steak
just immediately kills them
and then that it you could make it like it just enough It like a little puncture wound
So it's enough to kill a vampire.
But if it's a real person, then they're just lightly scuffed.
Everyone knows that it has to go into the heart.
Or it could be a gun with silver bullets.
Wait, isn't that a werewolf?
Oh.
And also more deadly than a wooden stake.
well here's the thing is that once you say goodbye to someone
you've already let them go
so it's okay you've so if you accidentally so it's like if your loved one accidentally gets
buried alive in your mind it's over it's done with you don't want to deal with it you don't
want to deal with them coming back oh i've mentally to me you're already dead it would
just be easier could you just just die i already gave all your clothes to goodwill yeah well yeah
and also there's no bells anymore okay here's so i like knowing that they're not panicking down
there they were murdered by my invention so it's so it kills vampires but then if there's anyone
that was buried alive it's like a mercy kill yeah see before you were acting like i was being
malicious i don't think you're malicious uh i don't know how to say this delicately
i thought maybe you were being stupid
not malicious um thank you for thank you for that putting it so delicately yeah i just think that um
that's it's just a nice way to know for sure that um there's no vampires and grandma stays dead
okay alternately why not just stab every dead person in the heart with a steak
i feel like that's more crimey i don't know if they're gonna let us do that
do you think we could lobby to get legislation passed
where it's like right before they go down someone just walks up and just
yeah
i don't think we need the government involved in this uh this can be a voluntary system um and you
just hope that the mortician doesn't like call the cops and like you're not gonna believe what
well I was thinking it would be part of the mortician
package oh they do it
they embalm they stab with a wooden stake
oh you don't want to see how the vampire's made
you want it behind the curtain
well yeah I mean
well that's what is happening with the coffin
stake
we could do like an open and casket
situation everyone after they say their
goodbyes gets to do a quick little stab
and like instead of throwing flowers on the
grave everyone and then it's like it's a
it's a party thing it's fun
and you could take your stake home as
funeral
memorabilia.
And then, like, someone holds the stake
and, like, throws it behind them
and everyone has to try and catch it.
Whoever catches it dies next.
Fun fact, that's where
the term stakeholder came from.
Yes.
I know that it's not practical
and I know that, like,
it doesn't help you or I
but I think there's
some value in knowing that
there is no more undead if there was
well wait
so vampires
when people die they don't just become
vampires they need to be bitten
by a vampire right
are you thinking zombies
depends what you watch
no you're right
I'm not thinking zombies I'm thinking vampires
I'm thinking vampires
Yes, they have to be bitten or they have to drank the blood of a vampire.
Oh, really?
Because a vampire, they turn you like this.
They bite their wrist and they give it to you.
Or sometimes they let you suckle their bloody wrist.
And then not too much because they can't lose too much of their blood.
and then over the next few days
you have a horrible
death as
you become not human
anymore and then they have to put you to sleep
typically in a coffin
and then like three days later
you come out of the coffin a vampire
so you're saying
there's a chance grandma might have drank
some vampire blood
just to be safe
let's
put a little stake in her coffin.
Yeah.
Okay.
My other invention was a car toilet, so...
Okay.
What are you naming this invention?
I'm naming it Vamp By.
or no yeah vampire like by like by vampire like goodbye vampire yeah vamp
by er
is there a saying this goodbye that's like ooh la la or too la la what am i thinking i'm thinking
Toodle-oo.
Because it could be like, nah, I was thinking Dracula-la, but that doesn't make sense.
No, that's like if Dracula had a fancy dress shop.
Dracula-la.
Oh.
Dracula-ator.
Not bad.
That's not bad at all.
Joe's been coming up real quick with the better ones.
You do all the heavy lifting.
You come up with the invention itself.
Yeah.
I don't have enough brain cells to devise.
I do neither of them.
Every four years.
Who's stupid now?
When Thanksgiving lands on my birthday, I get 10% smarter.
Oh.
You're like a leap baby with intelligence?
Oh, that's a good name for something.
I'm going to make an invention just for that.
I knew it.
I knew you started with a name and worked backwards.
Yeah.
So, you hate it.
I think you're going to have a hard time getting people on board with installing these in coffins.
I think they'll probably accidentally be triggered a lot and then poor grant.
So what?
You're done.
People don't like the idea of their dead loved ones being defiled.
Yeah, why not just make it a practice for coffins to lay out on open ground for three days?
And then if the person does get out, then they'll be burned by the sun.
And then.
What if they got out at night?
Well, you just have someone there.
Yeah.
Don't you like.
You know what?
I know why you guys don't like this.
I just remembered.
I forgot to say you're going to love this.
Oh.
Yeah.
If I could save it real quick.
The hinge is proprietary.
Oh, oh.
Well, you didn't tell me that.
Yeah.
I mean, isn't there a little bit of whimsy in a hinge going off six feet underground and stabbing someone?
What if you were, well, okay, here's something that I think would help this invention.
Make sure that it's like loud enough so that like if you're just walking through a graveyard and then suddenly you hear like a thunk.
Oh, we got one.
And then you like look to see who it is.
And then it's like, then it'll actually normalize people like walking around graveyards.
Yeah, true.
Or maybe like it connected to Wi-Fi.
So if it goes off in a graveyard, it could be like sugar.
Yes.
Puss in boots.
Yeah.
I mean, I get it.
It was kind of out there.
I was just nervous to talk about the toilet.
Well, I think your instincts were good on that one.
all right so vampire draculator draculator is good listener listeners put it
in your will make it a stipulation in your will that you want a coffin stake
and and spell it right or we'll be delivering sizzling rib eyes
yes yes homophones are tricky people we're gonna be delivering rib eyes that are going like
oh my god coughing steaks coffin steaks but you know what i just realized that's
you you made me think of a good point in some cuts of meat there is a steak-shaped bone
oh like a t-bone yeah so you could use that so here's what we'll do a steak steak
steak steak here's what we'll do i just thought of this okay we'll put a deliciously cooked t-bone
on the hinge if they wake up they've got a steak to eat if they survive being impaled
by the bone it's like a little treat hey you lived yes yeah and we keep farmers in business
okay but if they're vampires wouldn't they want it not to be cooked
well this is for if it's not a vampire oh grandma wakes up oh
oh my heart hurts
but my stomach doesn't yeah and then we could put a loaded gun next to her so when she's finished
with her last meal, she can kill herself.
Dizzy again.
I think I saved it.
Yeah, that was the tweak that was needed
to make this a winner.
Yeah.
All right.
Cool.
Well, I mean, coffin makers, get ready.
your whole inventory is about to change and you can charge whatever you want for this
people will pay people are desperate yes to know that they're not going to be a vampire or
not going to have vampires be around well there's a quick there's an easy trick to get people to
buy anything what do you mean we just say uh we'll mark up you're gonna love this we'll mark
up the cop so it's like mark up the coffin like oh the coffin's 7 000 although really it's
It's $5,500.
Or I can give you a discount if you want the steak steak.
And it's a different marked up price that's lower than $7,000.
But we'll give you this additional feature and it's cheaper.
Doesn't that make it sound like something you wouldn't want?
You got to pay more to not have it.
It's a manufacturer's rebate thing.
I'm just offering it to you because it's required by law.
yeah you basically came up with hulu with ads for the steak steak
i should apply to work with them i'm i'm pretty sure they'll be on the phone as soon as they hear
this episode well they probably want to get into the the vampire eradication business
yeah aren't there enough of them in hollywood oh oh you uh okay the vampire or the dracula
later i like steak steak too steak steak wait oh yeah okay i was gonna say which one comes first
but the meat one comes first yeah the steak steak uh well go to veryfinefriends.com
we will have a legal form up there that if you sign it and then it's legally binding and you're
whoever is the executor of your estate when you die will have to put a steak steak
in your coffin. And if you demand not to be
buried in a coffin after this comes out
we will know there's probably a very
good reason why you're doing that. Yeah.
Well
what about the people who get cremated?
They get left out.
There's a hinge in the crematorium
oven.
Right before it turns on.
If you burned a vampire would it not
die if you cremated a vampire?
No they won't die.
The ashes will assemble.
Wow.
Do they say ashes assemble?
Yeah, that's just.
That's some proprietary technology right there.
Yeah, I wish I could take credit for it.
I don't know how it works.
Whoever has the patent on that is raking in the money.
Yeah.
So it's like in Terminator 2 when the.
The was it the T-1000, whichever the one Robert Patrick's character is.
That's like the liquid metal.
Yeah, yeah.
And when it breaks apart and then it like comes together and it becomes liquid again.
Yeah.
It's that's what their ashes are like.
Um, yeah.
Oh, well, it's obvious to me now.
I am convinced.
Okay.
Uh, well, yeah, like, like I said, we'll have a form up on our website that is legally binding
because Francis is a lawyer.
So all you have to do is sign this and then you will some, they will have to put the steak
steak, the Draculator in your coffin.
so yeah go to veryfinefriends.com
and um
yeah maybe when the hinge goes off
it could say happy thanksgiving
it says
happy francis's birthday
yeah happy francis's birthday
yep
who's francis
all right
who's francis
yeah who's francis
gun
oh well i think that that does it that wraps up the invention of the week
listeners i know that you're probably all gathered round listening to this with your family
because it's Thanksgiving and all.
But it's time to step away from the cranberry sauce.
Unbutton your pants.
Just step away from the stuffing and the green beans
and the carcass of your turkey.
Or your genetically modified humongous chicken Yep Get ready for our next segment Turkey Day colon family food
Hey there, Sizzler.
What's your favorite Thanksgiving food?
In this segment,
Francis and I will be simulating
what it's like
when you're getting together with that family
you haven't seen in a while
and you argue about things.
You argue about the little things.
We're not going to argue about politics,
but we'll find things to argue about.
Yeah.
we will be assuming the roles of family members at thanksgiving that haven't seen each other all
year or longer yeah or longer fade in the buffet table at jenna and francis's family thanksgiving
jenna coyly begins to scoop some potato salad francis is also going for the potato salad their
hands meet they recognize each other they're cousins who haven't seen each other in a very
long time jenna oh hey frank right no oh sorry sorry sorry yeah it was i was thinking uncle frank
why well because it's your dad and i call him frank anyway what hey how's it going potato salad
at thanksgiving kind of a weird choice huh yeah yeah yeah i would have thought mashed potatoes but
when did you get out of prison uh i didn't know we would be bringing that up
four four days ago i'm sorry you're not you're not sensitive about it right no no no no you know
what i did my time i paid my debt to society it's fine okay yeah no you're fully redeemed in my eyes
i was just surprised to see you because of the violent nature of the crime you committed
well guess who didn't think it would be a surprise for me to be here the parole board
yeah our system is pretty over overstuffed so good to see you oh you look great great new tattoos
thank you thanks yeah we got a lot of time in the yard so i got a lot of exercise yeah yeah and it's
it's hard to be
it's hard to be vegan in prison
let's just say that but
I tried to find a way
and anyway
and here you are having potato salad
well yeah
so you're back on mayonnaise huh
you make sacrifices
yeah
well like I said good to see you
I'm happy you're here
if I
see um any opportunities for you i'll let you know oh uh opportunities for what um for work
oh yeah well my parole officer is kind of breathing down my neck already it's been four days
sandra leave me alone is that the is that the person that's yeah that's she's here she's
she's literally breathing down my neck flight risk huh i'm just kidding i'm kidding yeah yeah
You're a good person, Jenna.
Thanks.
Thank you, Francis.
That's it.
Francis.
See? I knew you could change.
So, how's it going with you?
Do you still have the world's largest cabbage patch collection?
I can't believe you.
i know you couldn't have known this but there was a fire they all they all burned up oh god i i
don't have anything anymore there were so many of them that must have just been like one giant
plastic ball so many cabbage you had like over a thousand cabbage patch kids i was in guinness
Yeah.
Listen,
it's not supposed to be happy.
I've started a new doll collection and it's not cabbage patches.
Oh,
I thought,
Oh,
I'm sorry.
I thought you,
I thought you went to therapy for this doll thing of yours.
Um,
yeah.
I mean,
the whole,
we had a whole family.
I actually,
I called in from prison for the family conference call about this.
Hey,
I thought it was,
that was nice of you.
I'm surprised you used your one phone call.
Well, I mean, it's family after all.
Yeah, they let you.
I'm doing better now, you know?
But you're starting another doll collection?
Yeah, I went with American doll.
American girl dolls?
That's it.
Wow, you really upgraded.
You really upgraded.
That's a much more expensive collection.
Well, the insurance money from the Cabbage Patch situation really worked out in my favor.
Yeah.
about that
did they ever clear
this of being arson
you want some of this pie
no no I'm good
I don't need any roach pie
it's Kahlua roach
okay more for me
I'm gonna go say hi to grandpa real quick
wait wait wait hang on
so how much was
the insurance money
wait sorry say that again
Sorry, I had a nice big fat potato in my mouth.
I said, um...
Is that it?
Two.
Two million doll hairs.
Very funny.
It was two million dollars.
What kind of an insurance company let you have a policy on dolls that big?
Well, it turns out most of them don't burn to a crisp in a fire,
so the rates were really low.
um i hope you're not looking at me weird just because i'm rich now are you rich sounds like
you immediately went out and bought more dolls i did i did i i spent 1.875 million dollars on
american girl dolls and 1.25
million dollars on american girl doll clothes
huh my therapist says that many men do that really your therapist said many men buy two
million dollars worth of american girl doll clothes dolls and accessories well my therapist
is from artha's vineyard and it's normal is your therapist the one that's standing right there
behind you that that man i don't recognize yeah he just wants to make sure i um i don't
piss in the potato salad can i talk to your therapist um well i'm gonna go to the bathroom
i can't really stop you from that i appreciate if you didn't though
oh doc doc what the hell why are you enabling him like this some cases can't be cured
and only managed.
I really can't say much more,
but I can talk in code due to
patient-doctor confidentiality
and HIPAA law.
Okay.
Let me ask you a question.
Is he insane?
Yes, he's batshit.
Ooh, good code.
Clinically batshit.
He's a monstrous demon
who should be put down.
Via shotgun.
What?
Why are you?
So what are you doing to manage?
The state is paying me to follow his every move.
Where they say a burned cabbage patch doll exists,
an American girl doll fire is imminent.
Well known in DSM-5.
He scares me.
So you're following him around to ensure that there isn't another gigantic fire.
Yes.
I'm like the guy in Halloween.
Oh, the creepy doctor?
Yes.
Oh.
But different.
Not creepy.
Approachable and cool.
Well, you are surprisingly easy to talk to.
I shouldn't be telling you this.
At our last session, he brought deli meats and put them on his face like a mask.
It was horrifying.
and he offered me the meat
and I said no and he got very upset
he pulled an American girl doll out
and ripped the arm out of its socket
and slapped the doll with its own arm
it was horrifying
freak show, scary
he's the reason I have a plate glass in my office now
you have a glass in between
you and your patients?
no, just him
he leaves, I take it down
your cousin is ill
well then why isn't he locked up?
or overcrowding how about even better what's with the shotgun solution maybe we revisit that
yes i'd love to with the state won't let me therapuse him him and shoot him that is one or
the others in my oath well why didn't you choose shooting didn't know it was batshit till i got to
gnome and i oh you already committed to therapusing him yes uh yes um anyway please forget i've said
anything uh i'm gonna stand back in the corner okay oh uh francis hey hey you're back oh what is
that turkey on your face no yeah you want a treat no no no i i'm good i'm good thanks um
hey i'm gonna run to the bathroom do me a favor don't talk to my parole officer
sandra oh why would i okay
hi i'm francis oh i am sandra
sandra um i'm a parole officer yeah i hope you don't mind me asking why is she out she's clearly
a sick, sick criminal.
Well,
I don't want to violate
parole officer
parole-y confidentiality.
Pinky promise?
I won't say anything.
I'll speak in code.
Oh, better.
Better.
She's insane.
She
found out
the names and addresses
of everyone on the parole board.
how many kids they had, how many pets they had.
She knows where the pets and the kids both go to school.
She's threatened.
She's threatened all the whole parole board.
Oh, my meaty God.
Did you ever hear the story of Douglas McJeffries,
That gentleman who's the one who had his son and his cat kidnapped.
Yeah, everyone knows about that guy.
And then Douglas McJeffries died.
Yeah.
He used to be on the parole board.
He couldn't be bought, he said.
He wouldn't be blackmailed.
Mortadella.
By the way, you have glowing skin.
It's natural.
What's your skin routine?
Meet.
So you're saying...
I don't understand what this could possibly be code for.
Oh, sorry.
It's not.
I was just being forthright.
Oh, she did all that stuff?
I broke my oath.
My P.O. oath.
Wow, we need to get her back in prison.
I don't feel comfortable sleeping in my meat mask knowing she's out there stalking the streets.
You and me both, why do you think I'm here?
I don't trust her.
I'll help you.
I'll do anything.
We can frame her.
We can set her up.
I could put a shank in the potato.
No.
She's got a proprietary anti-chic mouth.
She's a monster.
she she got it in prison oh god people kept trying to shank her mouth oh my meat
what do you suggest sandra well first i'm gonna go round two on this stuff and
it's really good isn't it so good it's our mom oh i like how you say our mom
like she's a shared mother with anybody else and not like the stuffing's made of her yes yeah
Wait, what?
It's a family recipe.
Does the family part mean it includes your family?
That's why it's so good.
I don't even care.
I just love it.
Yeah.
So have your Stefan.
Yeah.
We'll figure out how to get her back in the yard.
Oh, shoot.
She's coming back.
Hey.
Hey, Jenna.
Uh, you weren't talking to Sandra, were you?
Who's that?
My parole officer, the woman who's elbow deep in the stuffing right now.
Oh, no, I didn't even notice.
I was trying to peer through a thin veil of meat to see if I could make out family members still.
So, I totally forgot to ask, how's Wankles doing?
Your dog.
Your dog winkles.
Winkles.
You know, the one that you take for a walk every morning at 8.13 a.m.
And sometimes you bring him to the dog park and you let him off the leash.
And he's a good boy, so he always comes back to you.
And hopefully he always will.
He's fine, Jenna.
How's Samuel McClevitz and his husband, Jeremy?
Jeffrey's
McDougal?
Yes How did you know that that the nickname for Douglas McJeffries
Jeremy Jeffries McDougal is what his husband called him affectionately.
How did you know that?
Well, I make it my business to know things.
I don't think you're ready to be out in the world.
I don't think you're ready to have dolls.
What?
Take that meat off your face.
No, stop.
Stop.
No, you put Molly down.
No, I'm putting meat on her face now.
No, don't you dare.
She went through so much.
It's just a little piece.
It's Capical.
No, that's going to remind her of the war that she lived through.
Look.
Look at you.
What?
Teardrop tattoo.
Shank scar.
yeah but not in my mouth
I have proprietary anti-shake technology
in my mouth
I don't even know what that means
who are you?
we used to play together
you used to be my doll
and I used to
put you on my face like meat
alright well I think that's
a pretty good representation
of what a normal Thanksgiving looks like
see you next year
happy birthday
yeah
we did it
That has been Turkey Day.
A beautiful look inside the American justice system.
On Turkey Day, colon, family food.
Yeah, that was some tough turkey.
It's time for one last segment.
The big question.
Big question.
Whoa!
I'm in the shadow of a big question.
The question is very big.
I was made to understand that Joe might have a big question for us.
Ugh.
It's huge.
Oh my god, huge.
Huge.
So I feel like people have pretty strong opinions on holidays and which ones are their favorite and their least favorite.
What's your guys' least favorite holiday?
and why?
And optional follow-up question,
what new holiday would you make in its place?
Ooh, I love that.
I love to invent, as you know.
That's true, you do.
Well, come up with the name of the holiday first.
Flashback to car toilet.
Great question, Joe.
Thank you, Francis.
Hmm, let me think about this.
Well, I know what my least favorite is.
Can I guess?
Yes.
Is it a major one?
Yes.
New Year's?
No.
Okay.
Is it Halloween?
No.
Well, Joe knows what it is.
No, I was going to say that.
Okay, it used to be Halloween.
But I've come to terms with Halloween because to me, Halloween now feels more like the gateway
into the rest of the year, which is my favorite time of year.
so i'm okay with it because it's like now it's like oh well if halloween is coming
then that means we're gonna be in november and then thanksgiving and christmas and new year's
i like all of them um i would also probably enjoy halloween too if i had like an actual house in a
neighborhood and there were like kids trick-or-treating because like that part is cute but
if you're like an adult who lives in an apartment halloween is just like it's stupid stupid holiday
i know people get so into halloween um i i don't get the fanfare over halloween i don't think
gross things or monsters are like why am i driving around i know i'm going on a tangent on what's not
my answer but what like why am i driving around seeing like like in my neighborhood there's like
a seven foot demon dog skeleton on somebody's yard it's like first of all you paid a lot of
money for that yeah and where are you storing it i was 11 months out of the year because like the
people with the the humongous like you know those giant ones from home depot the humongous like
nine foot skeletons or whatever there's a ton of those where do those go not in october maybe
they're infringing on my proprietary hinge technology oh they better not be we're gonna
go house to house that's for killing people yep anyway no my least favorite holiday of the major
holidays is easter oh what a good one to hate yeah uh i don't care for it because it is a
just a religious holiday it's boring to me i like ham and macaroni and cheese
is that a that's like an easter meal at least it was in our family okay that's unique to oh really
okay a nice honey big tam's delicious but i don't feel like i need jesus rising from the dead
to appreciate that it's it comes when you when you're catholic it comes at the end of 40 days
of giving stuff up because lent and then you have one day where you got to go to church and it's the
worst church of all the year it's the worst church of the year it's like the longest one
like even like christmas mass is is nice because the church is all decorated plus you get like
the anticipation of like fun presents or whatever there's a nice secular side to christmas even
though it is technically a religious holiday and also it's the gateway to summer so it's like i know
easter's happening it's already probably you know where we live warm and now when you're just
No, it's just getting it hotter, and I got another five, six months.
And always on a Sunday.
Sunday is the worst day for family celebrations, in my opinion.
You're kind of unlocking a memory for me, because I don't know if you know this, but I was raised Catholic,
and we used to go to mass for all the holidays.
And ours used to have all these really cool Easter decorations in the church.
I never saw them anywhere else.
They were this big.
as the listeners that he's holding up his hands as if it's like the size of a tennis ball this
isn't for them sorry never mind yeah but it was like a bowling ball it kind of reminded me of like
the size of well i guess not the size of communion wafers so these would be shareable yeah but they
were like little like big like the big size cheez-its they're for the seven foot tall demon
dogs to eat yeah i don't know they were like but they were everywhere for easter did you guys have
those? They almost had like a little coiled look
to them.
Yeah.
Like the design on them. It was for Easter only.
No. Well,
were they like unfurled?
No.
They had a string.
Were they flat? Yeah.
No. We did not have them.
But your church had them? Yeah.
I went to preschool
at Most Holy Trinity in the Valley.
Hmm.
Okay.
But don't try to find me there because I'm not in preschool anymore.
And thank goodness you're not still lurking around to preschool.
I didn't say that.
No.
Yeah.
Okay.
So your least favorite is Easter.
Yeah.
Now, what, when would you create?
Get back to me on that.
Let's hear what your least.
I kind of like your answer.
I really don't like 4th of July.
oh okay because i hate to be hot yep and it's always hot yep and i hate fireworks i like
visually i like how they look but they i mean the dog i have now is kind of fine but like once
there's like a range of time where people feel it's acceptable to do fireworks it's super far
before the holiday and then super far after and it can be like a random wednesday night
in july and all of a sudden fireworks will start going off and it makes me angry because i don't
get the appeal which is like going outside and setting off a firework yeah so yeah hot
hot hot stem holiday with fireworks
oh is that dutch that accent yes it's biblical dutch easter dutch
uh yeah i can see that yeah um i do like that it's not on a fixed day like that's another like
like what joe was saying easter always being on a sunday is annoying so at least fourth of july
has the advantage of like it could be on a wednesday and then like everybody gets off work
i mean you don't really get off work for a sunday holiday i guess they start doing good friday
off because the markets are closed but that's kind of like a anyway still trying to sell you
on easter being worse yeah because i think the day before the fourth of july is also a holiday
for most places and so if fourth of july is on a friday you could have thursday friday saturday
sunday my big beef with easter is the same beef i have with mother's day which is if i for whatever
reason when I go out to breakfast or brunch oh yeah I can't yeah it is yeah it is definitely the
worst those are the two days that are the worst for brunch totally agree yeah what what uh
what holiday would you create I would create I'm gonna say
random outbursts day
you could yell any random thing you want at any stranger and they have to
yell something random back at you as a proclamation
okay give me an example yeah you guys try it right now okay we're let's say we're in 7-eleven
wait so you yell something random yeah like a proclamation uh okay and
I'm dizzy
and I yell something random back
yep
okay
so we don't know each other
we're in a
convenience store and we run into each other
okay
block wall willy
don't eat the dinosaurs
and then we
go yeah we just leave
oh okay
yeah it's cute it's random
and I believe that it should be in September
because September feels light
yeah it is well it's Labor Day
maybe the 11th
we're taking it back
uh okay
don't let the terrorists win
uh i would okay i would have a holiday where it's not being poisoned day
everybody okay we create a special kind of poison and we have the antibodies for it
and everybody gets the antibodies and everybody gets the poison
and everybody takes a drink of the poison
then they get to have like few minutes where they're worried and then they drink the antibodies
and then it's like everybody dodged death for one day everyone gets that feeling of like i'm alive
do you mean antidote oh yeah
what was i saying i'm not repeating it i feel like i'm being set up
yes antidote whatever yeah yeah okay or maybe we give you a disease then and then then antibodies
make sense yeah okay but it's a basically a free from death or like that feeling you get
one day where you everyone the whole world feels like i got a new lease on life
or what if not everyone gets it so some people just die yeah not a lot but you could be one of
the unlucky few no well no i mean i want it to be i want it to be a holiday i don't want i don't
want people to participate so they have to it's government mandated okay okay this is like the
purge all right well anyway that's mine i want i want people to have the feeling of they dodged
death and
they
are free.
And
they can... What would you call it?
New
lease on life day.
N-O-L-
N-O-L.
N-O-L day.
I like that. I think that's great.
That's how it used to feel if...
Never mind. I don't want to say it.
okay cute little retraction from me uh all right well uh i think we both answered the big question
well we did it well we came up with really cool ones we really did uh i'm excited for
new lease on life day i'm gonna put it in august by the way okay because august is definitely light
there's no holiday in august can i just say maybe don't because i am too hot in august and i could
see myself if i'm having a bad mental health month being like i'm not taking the medicine oh shoot
okay good i'm ready all right um it's in march oh okay march promise of spring renewal good
good change yeah okay all right cool that's it that answers the big question the big question
only one final thing francis i know you're gonna i feel like you're gonna get mine uh i i don't
know if i will we'll see i have some guesses for what your secret word is my secret word okay well
let's hear it is your secret word proclamation no i was having fun with that one though oh
is your secret word suckle did i actually say the word suckle he said the vampires will let
them suckle up that's a pig word uh no i it's not uh is it coiled yep oh really yes oh
When you're describing those fake Easter decorations.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know what I'm thankful for this year.
Damn, my lead is going to be...
And I didn't say your decoy word.
Nope.
I wanted to say it more, but I was worried it would be too ham-fisted.
Although you did get Jenna to say your fake word.
I don't think there's any points for that.
Oh, there are points for that.
Yeah.
I get two points for guessing the word, and he gets one point because I said it.
Yeah.
Dang.
slowing down the lead dang it i'm not thankful for that
okay well good job i knew you as soon as i saw the pen i knew i was done but i was
hoping you would think it was my decoy word uh yeah that's the problem with the decoy i was
worried i was gonna say i'm worried about it too right now okay all right well what are your guesses
you i you were writing like a up a storm i doubt this word would show up but i want to guess thunk
oh no i don't even remember oh with the the noise that it would make and this worked out really well
in this but it makes sense for the segment so i don't think this is it but i did write down
stakeholder no okay here i'm worried i'm worried this is a decoy okay gateway no
antibodies that's my decoy word
yeah oh man oh what a great thanksgiving this turned out to be oh you know what i was worried
about honestly huh i was because i know you're like a mastermind i was worried that you were
saying antibodies incorrectly to get me to say antidote so i was worried antidote was your word
Oh, I'm going to try and do that.
Would have been diabolical if I didn't even say it.
If I just got you to say it Yeah Yeah Yeah Not my two weeks in a row i stupid oh i am thankful for guessing and being
i think i'm still behind in points but you're gonna catch up i'm getting better i think i'm
getting so i'm thankful for that i'm thankful for you francis i'm thankful for you too i'm thankful
for you too joe happy birthday oh um that was really sweet but also did you say your actual
secret word oh no i didn't say what my secret word was the actual secret word was carcass
i told people to step away from the carcass of the turkey and buckle up for the next segment
well f-u-c-k my friends
Forget underwear.
Choose kilts.
That's what that stands for.
New bumper sticker just dropped.
Thankful for Joe.
I'm thankful for Francis.
I'm thankful for that turkey that we pardoned.
And I'll kill again.
And most of all, I'm thankful for you, listeners.
Thanks, VFFs.
go to verified friends on all social media find us you'll get to see a picture of today's
invention which i'm quite looking forward to seeing as well have a great thanksgiving and
happy birthday francis happy birthday jenna thank you bye
you