so we got a new hand-held like shower thing in our shower you know like a hand spray thing
like a nozzle you can like take off and like yeah the boyfriend that's what i call mine
okay well all right we won't get into that um anyway this it's great looking it's very beautiful
looking but it was like functionally useless it was like the water would just like dribble out of
this thing it was like this is there's zero pressure on this at all but then the plumber
came over the other day and uh he took out the little restrictor thing which is just it's just
like a little tiny thing inside this this shower it's like an iud for handheld showers and yeah
and he took it out and suddenly it's like it's like what they clean elephants at the circus with
it's unbelievable now it's the husband
stop making this gross francis i was just thinking like this is crazy that what that
little restrictor does so much and the poor people of california it's all their fault by the way it's
all california's fault this is happening uh they got to sell it california style to everybody else
poor californians just they don't understand because now it's like amazing it's like
my head is wet and like instantly it's great i love it and one family in california's pressure
got a little worse.
Yep.
Let this be a lesson
and a reminder to all of us
that small things
do make an impact.
This reminds me of a pebble
that was once in my shoe
that made walking suck.
No.
Yeah.
A tiny pebble.
Most of my foot
was non-pebbled.
One little pebble
ruined my walk.
What did you do about it?
I took my shoe off.
Uh-huh.
I turned my shoe upside down.
Yeah.
Shook it about.
Uh-huh.
And then the pebble left.
What?
Put the shoe back on.
But the lesson remained.
But then you appreciated non-pebble walking so much more.
Yeah.
Or like one tiny little piece of pollen or something gets in your eye.
It's a showstopper.
Yeah.
Little things make the most impact.
Also, big things make an impact.
Both make impacts.
Yeah, yeah.
But don't discount the little things.
Yes.
Don't discount the big things.
little things if you're listening and we know that you are we just want you to know we
we appreciate you and we know what an impact you have yes in this world yes welcome to very fine
friends podcast where friends talk about stuff how are you francis how are you oh me yeah walking
on a dream. No pebbles
in your shoes? No, the pebbles are gone. My feet
are soft like
baby grass.
Baby grass? Is that
brand new grass?
Yeah. Like little like whispers of
grass? It's grass that hasn't been sat upon yet.
It's grass that is new to the dew.
I have never thought of
sprouting grass as baby
grass. You like it?
I don't know.
I either like it or it's really
creepy. I can't figure it out. Okay.
I really need this.
I love it.
God bless you.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
and right before we die we add up all the points and then we get a prize whoever has the most points
for guessing the most secret words here's joe with today's secret words jenna's secret word is
commuted jenna's decoy word is fielding francis's secret word is decompose francis's decoy word is
footprints back to the podcast uh okay and you oh i care about you too thank you
oh now that i'm just soaked to the gills in my shower uh i'm doing great so that's quite an image
and you can't take the image away from me that's happening right now nor would i want to thank you
that one was for you appreciate and only you listeners i'm taking it away from you yeah no
that's bonus material.
Yep.
Get it.
You gotta subscribe.
Yeah.
We're putting the restrictor back on.
Ooh,
that's what the subscription versus non-subscription is.
It's like a restrictor.
You don't get the good stuff.
Yeah.
It's like people that only listen to the main feed.
They're Californians.
But if you subscribe,
you're like an elephant at the circus.
Hey,
don't discount the main episodes.
main episodes are great yeah you're the pebbles in our shoe the main the main episodes are with
the restrictor off and then subscribers get like that but god mode to a whole new level
that reminds me actually i don't know why i said reminds me i pretend i didn't but
uh this is not i regret this no okay well i was just thinking you know how one pebble in your shoe
hertz? Yeah. What if you put a bunch of
them in there and you were just walking
on a bunch of one even layer of
pebbles? That might even be nice.
Yeah, because it just evens the
part of the problem with
the pebble is it's one
single point.
That sounds
like a really good invention. Yeah,
I'm writing it down. Pebble shoe.
I wrote down show.
Pebble shoe.
Yeah. Wow. We wouldn't have got here
if we hadn't talked about your shower.
Thank God.
Pebble shower.
Oh, so you're showering on pebbles.
Hmm.
All right, well,
let's listen up to a future episode for that one.
But for now,
let's get to the current invention of the week.
Inventions.
Okay, y'all.
Francis, I mean, we've already seen your wheels are churning.
Oh, yeah, I'm indefinitely in make it mode.
Or I'm in naked mode.
Well, two things can be true at once.
Okay.
All right.
I'm just going to lay out that this is a scientific invention.
It's medical in nature.
Okay.
And as many elective procedures, I'm sure it's going to draw its fair share of complaint.
And so I'm preparing myself for that feedback now because I know it's not for everyone.
Okay.
Thank you.
That being said.
Yes.
You know how some people are fat?
I do know that.
Yeah.
And you know how, even if they're not, you know some people just love to eat?
I know that as well.
More than they want or more than they need, but they just want it.
I know.
They want to gobble it up.
Your food's great.
I want to gobble it.
Yeah.
This invention is about to change the world.
Okay.
You know how...
You know how there's colostomy bags?
Yes.
Good.
That's good because it's a similar concept.
Okay.
Here's the invention.
You eat.
And it goes down.
You pass to where you experience the flavor.
So it's done with the mouth.
and then it goes down
and we install
a valve system
that puts a food bag
out to the side
before it gets to the tummy.
And when you want to eat for pleasure
you activate
the valve
so then when you eat
you get to enjoy it
you chew it up, you swallow it
goes down the tube
but before it can get to where it's trouble
it goes out into the food bag.
Okay, so this is an external bag?
Yeah.
But you can hide under clothes.
Or not.
This is expensive.
Show it off.
And then...
So it's all inside your...
It's bypassing your stomach.
But then how do you...
You still need some nutrition.
yeah that's that's the valve the valve okay so when we want to eat normally and healthy
make it you turn the valve um parallel to your body okay parallel
yeah oh when it's party time you turn the valve perpendicular and then all the naughty delicious
food never has a chance to hurt you.
Okay.
How do you dispose of the naughty, delicious food?
You empty the bag.
Eat it again.
Yeah.
Oh.
You just, with the bag's here, you can, there's a second, smaller valve that allows you to
deactivate the bag and you can just toss it or you can you know if you're frugal you can
empty it and clean it it's just food you know or you can just get a new bag and luckily in the bag
has a design on it it's opaque so don't worry that people could see you're not seeing
masticated food right no you're no one's seeing that okay um
i feel like there's got to be a reason why this wouldn't work because no one's thought of it
I feel like people probably have thought about this before.
Okay.
Is there any kind of proprietary technology involved in this?
The valve system is proprietary.
Oh, okay, okay.
And I mentioned there's two valves.
There's a main valve and then there's a secondary miniature valve for the bag.
So that some food...
Well, you know, some people are stupid.
So like they're eating while they're taking the bag off.
We don't want food to like pump out the hole.
so this allows for non-stop eating and it while you're disposing like um refueling a plane in
midair or something yes yeah this is like this is buffet style is what we call that okay
um it's pretty good right yes if it works for i'm worried about just
the absolute like
slovenly people
that
are just going to
literally never stop eating
as opposed to like being like
you know what I want to go
I want to go have a
rich French meal
at a nice bistro or something
and just treat myself
it's going to be the people that are just like non-stop ding-dongs
are we enabling the non-stop ding-dongers?
They have to sign a promise when they get the surgery that they won't be slovenly.
Okay.
I want this to be for the elite, basically, is what I'm saying.
Well, it's a very...
Yeah, it will be.
I mean, because, you know, it's going to be very expensive.
And by elite, I don't...
This is not a money thing.
That's not what I mean.
Because you get disgusting people that are very rich, too.
I mean, I only want people that are not going to abuse it and be gross about it.
That's who I consider elite.
um well we're here to make money so oh well i mean i also want i want the money yeah don't get
me wrong but what i'm saying i didn't want the word elite to trigger any kind of like
class i'm talking about like a respectability class system that's how i view things
which is irrespective of money i think that's beautiful that's part of what makes
this surgery so nice okay we care good good yeah okay good and they're gonna have to sign something
that says they won't abuse it yeah and they and they'll and they'll and it's a promise we're not
gonna follow up because we don't have time for that but um i just know that but don't abuse it
yeah but don't but listeners but we might yeah it's like a it's like a random drug test uh we
You might just show up at your door one day.
Super random.
And if you've got a zebra cake in one hand and a ding dong in the other,
and there's a whole bunch of used bags around you.
We're taking the valves away.
We're taking them back.
No refunds.
Uh, no.
Yeah.
That check is cleared.
Yeah.
It clears the second we strap that bag to your body.
Um, I just know that this would have a huge, like, success rate.
And we could probably charge 50 grand for this I gotta say I like it better than something like Ozempic which is like putting chemicals into your body and we not sure the long effects of that
This is just like literally not eating the food that you're eating.
Like it's just, it's effectively not eating food.
We're just skipping the last few steps.
It's like medical bulimia, almost.
Yes.
But then it's better for your teeth and your esophagus, I'm assuming.
Of course.
There's only one downside.
Yeah.
The bag.
I know.
But small price to pay.
And, you know, eventually you'll probably get to the way you want.
You could take the bag off.
You can maybe have, like, some Rocco's Modern Life stickers on it to customize it and show it off.
You know we will.
The first thing I thought of was...
That'll be the first customized option.
Get those curlicues on the bag.
Rocco's well-fed life
I feel a good energy coming from you
about this
I feel like
I feel like I need to redeem myself for two weeks ago
yeah
I don't remember what it was
I just remember I was ashamed
yeah I don't remember what it was either
hence my long pause
I just went with you.
Okay.
I don't think you've yet to have an invention that you should be ashamed of, Francis.
Thank you.
So I don't know what that's about.
Yeah, our invention footprints are clean.
Yeah, and I don't think you need to redeem yourself for anything.
I think you have a flawless record thus far.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
No, speaking of, I mean, just to add one thing on really quick.
I was in my car in the way we were thinking about loose tubes.
Yeah.
And I thought to myself, statistically speaking, every American thinks about loose tubes at least once a day.
That's probably why I was.
Yeah.
It was my turn.
It was your turn.
Yeah.
But I was thinking, wow, what if we just, we can make one that's just, the beverage system can be in your closet.
It could be like per one room.
So it's like, oh, I've got, I've got water tube in my room.
Or like a CO2 can, so I can have my Diet Coke in my room.
It doesn't have to be all over the house.
No, exactly.
I think that was even something that we talked about in the loose tubes episode.
Because I think I said something like, I never go in the office in my house.
So, you know, like, who's cleaning those tubes, basically?
Like, they're getting old.
They're getting stale.
Yeah.
Well, now I tie the tubes into this week's invention.
Guess what?
Now you can drink whatever you want, too.
Okay.
What about, here's the thing.
What about with booze, though?
that you actually have to digest if you like want to feel the effects of
the alcohol right yeah so that goes that goes through so if i'm having like a nice glass of
wine with my food i gotta like keep like switching the valve back and forth so that i digest the wine
but i don't digest the food yeah if you want to get drunk but not that i want to get drunk
buzz buzz you want to you want to feel a little saucy yeah yeah well think about this this could
be great for alcoholics.
Just keep the
valve perpendicular and you won't
get drunk.
Although their hands
right there and they could just turn it back.
Yeah. And I think
more than just
the taste of the booze, I think
they like that drunk feeling.
Oh, so they're not going to get the surgery.
I didn't know. Well, they might still get it for
food. True.
True.
Um.
Okay.
I was thinking about calling it.
I was just going to ask.
I'm trying to go with like.
Yes.
Yum.
Not him.
Like yes.
Yum.
Not him.
Yes.
Yum.
Not him.
Yes.
Yum.
Not him.
That sounds like.
Yeah.
That.
That sounds.
Like if you.
The way you were saying that.
It sounds like if you play a word backwards.
or like a person like pig.
You're right, but I wasn't.
I wonder what that is
if we say it backwards.
I'll write it down right now.
You can talk while I do this.
It's
Maran Muise.
Yep.
Maran Muise.
Well, no, it's mutton, so
never mind. I'm not going to go there.
Okay.
So that's one option.
Maybe something with like a guilty pleasure play or like, you know, no cow.
Corral, caler free.
Yeah.
Caler free.
The Taurus system, because you said medical bulimia and bull is in bulimia.
Hmm.
Okay.
that'll take a little explaining but it's like a that's a
no colostomy bag no colostomy bag no that sounds like you're scolding a colostomy bag
um a moment on the lips never on the hips forever on the lips never on the hips
on the hag
or maybe just something with like buffet
or eat
eat your heart out
we're gonna have like 10 names on this one
yeah
go to veryfinefriends.com
to not only see a picture of it
but also all the names
that we come up with
and our invention of the week section
names.
Okay, well, this...
Thank God you have that proprietary
valve system.
This is not one but two valves.
That's right, that second valve.
Even though I feel like just making
the bags disposable is probably the best way
to do it. For sure. And they're biodegradable
so they decompose. And then the food
can be then like it's compost-y?
Yeah, you can compost it
and it can go in your... Oh my God.
It's just non-stop
recycling. God, we're so
earth-friendly. God.
All of our
composting just comes from junk food
eventually. Non-stop
ding-dongs.
What does my tomato look like a zebra cake?
I haven't gave it to me.
Yeah, I feel good about this.
Yeah, I mean, well,
weight loss stuff, that sells.
Big time, that sells.
So, I mean.
Weight loss, money gain.
yeah you're right yep weight loss money gain okay yes yum notum yes yum notum yes yum notum
yes yum notum uh it's probably on shelves by the time this episode drops well not on shelves
it's on doctor's shelves so make an appointment yep ask your doctor about yes yum notum do not
use yes yum no tum if you are allergic to yes yum no tum uh great well um good job solving
fatness or obesity good job thanks round of applause for francis
anything but dieting and working out am i right hey exactly it's almost impossible to change
behaviors so well you know less than one percent of obese people lose the weight and of the one
percent of obese people who lose the weight almost none of them keep it off so the world needs this
yeah yes it does and guess what i'm going out with the friends i can just take the bag off
and go eat and have a meal i don't have to worry about the weird shape under my shirt
it's one meal yeah it's that's the way to do it just one meal and then you can
so you're saying like bag it up when you're in private having
we just got the name bag it up
yeah that was beautiful but yes that is what i'm saying okay joe's with the names
oh joe with the names all right bag it up yes yum yum
forever on the lips never on the hips
the Taurus something
Taurus system
no Colossi bad
bad
I'm going to rub your nose in it
oh
oh no
good job
we're going to be so rich
I might win the Pulitzer
nope
that's the writing prize
you could win a Nobel prize
that's what I meant
I would also like, well, Joe in the Pulitzer for his writing ability with names of inventions.
No, you just have to win something.
I'm never going to win anything.
No, you invented a pleasurable shower.
No, I didn't invent that.
It was just unlocked for me.
I'll invent something and I'll win something someday.
You will, you will.
You will.
Thanks.
Thanks, man.
that wraps up the invention of the week
Francis are you ready for our next segment
ready
our next segment is
old timey radio hour
turn on some of that old timey radio
like the kind grandpappy used to do
I will be telling a story
and Francis will be providing the sound effects
like in an old-timey radio program.
Thank you for this honor.
No, thank you.
It's really just a chance to showcase your sound effects skills.
I've been training since I was two.
Whoa, that's a long time.
No wonder you're so good.
Yeah.
Well, they used to hit me with a cane if I was bad.
That's why I'm good.
Oh, well, good old-fashioned caning.
It was a face caning
That's how we get our
brightest, most talented people in this world
The sound effects that you would make from the face caning
were just so good that they'd stop right away
Who would have thought
I don't know
I would do such numbers
I'm here and I'm ready
Alright
It was a dark and stormy night
Jessica was lost in the woods
She was cold
Shivering
And wet
Suddenly up ahead
She saw
A castle on a hill
She saw it because
lightning came down from the sky
and lit the castle from behind.
There it is.
It looked intimidating,
but Jessica knew she had to get out of this cold
before the wolves got her.
Just going to have to risk it.
And the wild giraffes
that were all over this town.
Neck!
Jessica ran to the front door
past the moat around the castle
and came to the giant door knocker on the door
and she slammed that knocker one time
she slammed that knocker a second time
she slammed that knocker a third time
suddenly
the door creaked open
Jessica
looked inside
and there were
torches flickering on the wall
but she couldn't
there was no one to be found
Jessica
Jessica cried out
looking to see if there was anybody in the castle.
Hey!
It's Jessica
from the woods.
All she heard was an echo of her previous words.
Hey!
It's Jessica!
Jessica from the woods.
Before her in the entryway
was a tall, tall, long staircase.
I'm not doing that
luckily
right next to the staircase
was an elevator
it was one of those old timey elevators
with the cage in the front
got it Jessica went in and she looked at the buttons and she saw there was only two buttons
one for the ground floor
and one that said
evil lair
I'm already here
two
as the elevator
slowly rose
to what Jessica could only assume was going to be an evil lair
if the button was properly labeled.
She wondered, is this worth it? Is this a good idea?
Why do I still...
Suddenly, the door flew open.
Bing!
Whoa.
And standing before her,
There was another flash of lightning
Illuminating
Illuminated by this flash of lightning
Was
An old man
With crazy white hair
Einstein's so bright
And a lab coat
And he's holding a beaker
And there's bubbling in the background
Welcome
to my lab,
my dear.
Oh, I do so hope I'm
welcome here. There was wolves outside
going awoo.
I...
Oh, I can hear the wolves now.
This is
scary.
Good for you, managing to
avoid the evil
giraffes.
Oh, yeah, so scary.
Nick! Can I come in?
What is this place?
This is my lair.
It's where I cook up all of my experiments.
Wow.
Jessica was weary, but it was warm inside the lair,
and she was still so chilled to the bone.
Come inside.
I have just the thing to warm your little bones.
What is that?
Come closer and you'll see.
Okay.
Jessica's still wary, but there's something about the old man that intrigued her.
And she wanted to see more.
Here you go, my dear.
What's that?
Drink this and you will feel the warmth of a summer sun.
Here we go.
suddenly
Jessica felt
warm through every single
part of her body
but not too warm
just warm enough
like that pleasant way when it's
when you come out of a
cold movie theater in the summertime
and the sun hits you and it feels
good on your skin
thank you
you're welcome my dear
Now, what else can I help you with?
Well, I need a place to sleep.
A place to sleep?
Just for the night.
The wolves, remember?
Just for the night?
Are you sure you don't want eternal rest?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh.
Jessica was wary, especially when that weird music played immediately after he said eternal rest.
But she needed a place to stay.
I'm kind of desperate.
Come over here.
Here I am.
To a creaky little bed that I have set up in my lair.
But why?
You wanted rest.
All right.
I'll just get in it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Now, let me tuck you in with my space blanket that crinkles.
Chew!
nice
now my dear you are welcome
to stay here for the evening
and
I promise you
you will have
the best dreams of your
life in this bed
not yet
sorry
comfortable creaky bed
this will be the best sleep of your life
you will have the best
dreams of your life but only if you
agree to one condition.
Jessica was wary, but the bed was so comfortable
and she felt she was about to slip into
beautiful slumber.
So she had to answer the man quickly.
Okay.
No matter what you
dream tonight,
that
dream will become mine.
Fine.
I take it from you.
Okay.
I agree.
Jessica dreamed.
She dreamed the dream
of
a car.
A car.
A fast car.
One that she could
take to Bumper Boulevard.
And no matter
how much she abused the car.
It would never break
and it would never get a dent.
And she would be
forever
with this car.
This car would be one with her.
This car would be
her second home.
Her first home.
Her second home is no more.
she now lives in this car,
but not in a weird way.
Oh,
honk.
And society accepts this.
Yay!
And she wakes up
so exhilarated
from her dream.
Wow!
Ah, yes, my dear.
I was able to see your dream.
I could see the car.
And I've taken that dream.
Per contract.
Look over here, my dear.
Look.
Jessica looked over and she saw the car.
The very car that was in her dreams was now in the mad scientist's lair.
My vroom vroom.
in this room room.
Yes, my dear.
Here you go.
This is now your first home.
I have a homeowner.
But here's the catch.
The door is too small for you to drive out.
You are stuck here with me for eternity.
Honk, honk, honk.
Oh, no.
All the honking won't get you out of my lair.
You now live in my lair.
You are my prisoner forever.
I know what to do.
Oh, get in here.
What?
Neck, neck.
Get in here.
Suddenly, a gang of wolves and giraffes came in.
Neck.
And they captured the mad scientists.
And the mad scientist was, please, please, no, no.
I must appeal to your better nature, wolves and giraffes.
Kill him.
Take me.
Don't kill me.
Take me.
Just take me to a judge, and we'll do whatever he said is fair.
Attention.
Guilty.
Kill him.
So the mad scientist, after seeing the judge, was in prison.
but then he started a
letter writing campaign
and eventually
his sentence was commuted
and he made his way back
to
the tower
where he lived to capture
another Jessica
again
mwahaha
thank you listeners
for listening to our broadcast of
Jessica and the Mad Scientist.
We hope you enjoyed it.
Tune in next week for another gory tale.
That was original.
Thank you.
I wrote it myself.
Yeah, normally you can trace those stories back to like Grimm's or something, but...
No.
No?
No, that's a Jenna.
Yeah.
I'm gonna trace it back to a Jenna.
You know, you never see wolves and giraffes together.
I like them together, though.
Yeah, they make sense.
Wolves are kind of long and they're long parallel to the ground.
Giraffes are perpendicular long.
It all comes back to valves, doesn't it?
It's all the valve system.
You put the parallel and the perpendicular together and you get a plus sign.
You could, like how they have like H and C in the hot and cold faucets.
faucets you could have like a wolf
when you want to get rid
of the food and then a giraffe.
Yeah. That would be cute.
Yeah, it would be.
That's the upgraded model.
Yep.
The standard one says fat and thin.
The upgraded model
is bag it and tag it.
Oh.
I know
that's like hunting, but to me it
feels like dating.
Bag it, tag it.
Yeah.
yeah
oh look at that one on the floor
dance floor
are you going to bag that and tag that?
yeah
my hunting rifle
alright well
that was a very successful old timey radio hour
I think
well now they sure don't make radio
like that no more
yeah I enjoyed
your story
I enjoyed your sound effects
I knew that's what
giraffes sounded like
yuck
I studied under Jane Goodall's cousin
Veronica Goodall
she was working with giraffes
Jane
okay
sometimes
stupid
very laugh
thank you
Yeah.
Time for one final segment on the show.
The big question.
The question is very big.
Francis, I really hope you have a big question because I don't have one.
Actually, I do.
Great.
I'm going to task you with coming up with one or two or whatever, whatever you think of.
I was thinking this earlier.
You know how families have made up like baloney like myths, but the kids don't know it's fake.
You know, like the one that comes to mind is like, oh, you can't drive with the light on in the car or you'll get pulled over.
Or like there's that stretch of highway camera where it is, but there's like a fake animal they tell you to look for the kids to look for.
So they shut them up and they're like looking for this like fake animal.
A jackalope is it?
uh in my family my older siblings would tell me that we had that i had another brother named jason
and anytime they would want me to not do something they would say hey just stop doing that that's how
jason died that's pretty good yeah that's pretty good it was effective so you can't use that one
okay but i was thinking you could invent another one that's like really
Like, heinous.
I mean, heinous is my word.
Well, like, some of these lores are just, like, preventative lore.
Like, when I was a kid, my mom, if we went to, like, McDonald's or whatever, and we were eating there, she would always tell us that a kid just threw up in the ball pit.
And so we couldn't go play in the play area.
and that was her way of
of stopping
because we were like
she would be non-stop
like fielding requests
to go play in the ball pit
right
and that would be her way of saying like oh I would let you but I can so that wasn really like as terrible she doesn have to be preventative here let me give you an example of one i thought of
so it could be anything so here's what i was thinking i was thinking you could tell your kids
when you're boiling water um you have to change the boiling water every five minutes or the food
will become poisonous.
Because I thought it would be funny to like,
so you're boiling water.
Like once it reaches boiling,
it can only be used for five minutes.
But foods take longer than that to cook.
Yes.
So you have to boil two pots of water.
And then after five minutes,
you transfer the food to the other boiling water.
But that water has also been boiling.
But also the food entering the water
is what starts the boiling going bad.
Oh.
Boil the boil.
Ooh.
spoil the boy yeah it comes with a rhyme you know it's real let's see what would i do so right now
it sounds like we're just messing with future generations yeah okay oh another one i just
thought of which wasn't really like a like a lore thing in my family but it was amusing to me in
retrospect um one time my older brother mj and i were in the car waiting we were like in the car
waiting for my dad to come out of the grocery store it wasn't like a hot day or anything we
weren't like trapped in the car i was probably like five and he was so that would have made him
like eight um and so we were just sitting in the car waiting and he told me that if you press the
garage door button when you're not in front of the garage door the house will explode
and i was like that's not true and he's like well then press it if you don't think it's true
i was like i don't know what if it is true and then eventually like i pressed it and he was like
holy cow what if that was true our house would have exploded and i was like well it didn't so
it's okay but i i was willing to take that risk as a five-year-old i guess i forgot what i was
gonna say after i thought of that okay so you would do the boiling water trick
trick yeah okay i would tell my kids that every time they sneeze
they need to hop around on one foot counterclockwise to avoid getting an aneurysm
oh that's got serious yeah like if you don't want to die immediately immediately when you sneeze
you gotta do that
cause like that
helps like circulate the blood in your head
cause the sneeze opens something
I would believe that as a child
like oh it makes sense I'm circulating my blood
and then I wanna see
but the problem is I'd have to do it too
well at least only when they're around
but I wanna see like is this something that they
do like well into adulthood
and like would anyone call it out
would be fun to see
my kids like in a business meeting
or something like
and I'm there for some reason
in this business meeting.
You're the one hiring them.
Yeah.
I'm just there in the newspaper
with two eye holes cut out.
With a finger mustache.
I like that.
That's sufficiently just nuts.
They lose their job
and you're just laughing.
You look so dumb.
You idiot.
I can't believe you believed me,
your parent.
I can't believe you trusted me enough,
stupid morons.
I don't know if my family,
like my dad,
I don't know if he ever did anything like that.
Was there anything like, yeah, now I'm wondering, is there something weird that I just never questioned that was always a lie?
I mean, your family seems more creative.
I don't think my dad has a creative button on his body.
He's more like the, don't do that kind of person.
The why I oughta kind of guy.
Yeah.
The Kenya in the face kind of guy.
Okay.
jump up and down joe that was a little cough oh coughs uh oh coughs should have something too
yeah you gotta oh that would be so mean like because when you have a like when you're sick
and you have a bad cough there's nothing worse than that i would rather be sick to my stomach
than have like a non-stop cough let me ask you one last question okay if you had to come up with
a new condition because this is like tangent related okay if you come up with a new condition
that if you came down with it,
something weird happened to you,
what would the condition be?
Here, let me give you an example.
Yeah.
Let's say
there's a new airborne disease.
And if you get this new airborne disease,
every time someone laughs,
you like mock laugh back at them.
Like they'd be like,
and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
so is it something i would want to happen or not want well i mean i wouldn't want that because
no one would know if you were it's like they just have to believe you're like no i have
i have hee-haw itis and they're like sure you know okay uh this is a water-based disease
airborne gets all the fun diseases i feel like there should be more that's transmitted via water
you're right well you're here now okay yeah is this from just bad water or random water
or lake water it's like if if a certain disease it can only live in water so if it just happens
to get into the water so it could be coming from anywhere oh scary yeah this is real scary i know
spooky
it gives you a condition
where every
now all I can think about is sneezing
not sneezing
every time
someone says the word god
you just
you involuntarily go
yes my son
and then you'd have to constantly be exposed no i don't think i'm god i i swear
yeah the drink out of the wrong loose tube someone didn't clean the office loose tubes
oh that is very funny i feel like that's something i've done on purpose a few times yeah yeah yeah
but it'd be funny if you couldn't especially you realize people probably say it all the time
I mean just like even someone going oh my god
like that would be every single time
right yeah that would make me laugh
especially if the first time didn't make me laugh
the second time I'd be like ah it's funny now
and then like the eighth time you'd be like
shut up and then by like the
18th it'd come back around again
smiling again against your wishes
yeah thank you that's funny
my disease is
it's a skin to skin contact
disease and when you get it
if someone
is about to sit down
within five feet of you, you involuntarily
put your hand palm up on the chair
that they're about to sit in.
Give me that.
Oh, but then you're then further
spreading the disease. This would go real fast.
You'd have to like avoid
chairs if you had it.
This would be like non-stop.
Everyone's just going like hands everywhere.
Imagine you're in school.
Especially if they're not
wearing pants either.
Oh my goodness.
Oh yeah.
I think everyone would suddenly start wearing gloves
all the time.
So that if you had the disease...
Also people know, don't sit around me.
Don't come within five feet, or if you do come within five feet
and be prepared to get your
cheeks honked.
Yeah, that should be with a name.
Caboose honking disease?
Yeah, sounds like with a hyphen.
It sounds like the name of someone.
It'll spawn a whole generation of children
who grow accustomed to sitting down really fast.
But then you know someone's going to be like,
I swear I've got it.
Sit down, my son.
They have two diseases.
Oh, that's a rare strain called the hand of God.
Yes.
We did it.
All right.
Well, good job, us.
we successfully answered the big question.
The big question.
It's time for one final thing.
Okay, this is tough for me.
Oh, go ahead.
No, you go ahead.
No, this one's really hard for me
because I got nothing for you
because nothing at all stood out to me as weird.
So I'm going to...
So first we...
How do we do the invention?
I don't...
I got nothing.
Nothing.
That was it.
That was my word.
But you said your word?
I said my word and I said my decoy word.
Okay.
Oh, man.
I don't even.
This is so bad because I don't even have like a real guess.
So I guess if I had to pick something I would say we were talking about.
Sorry.
We were talking about the invention, which I think I'm going to guess this is when you said it.
is during invention.
And I'm going to say that the word that you,
that was your word was,
we were talking about,
I don't know.
Wow.
No guess, period.
Oh, I want to have a guess though.
Yeah, you should.
I feel like if you literally don't even have one single guess,
then that should get me a point.
That's what I wrote down.
You wrote down?
A picture.
Okay, then I'm going to say it's,
doctor.
That is not my word.
Okay.
Let me guess one more.
Okay.
Am I right?
It was during invention?
No.
Shoot balls.
Okay.
Then I'm just going to throw a wild hair out
and I'm going to say
giraffe.
That was not my word.
Okay.
Beaker?
Nope.
Okay.
All right, I'm done.
It was during old-timey radio hour.
It was?
Yep.
Towards the end.
My word was commuted.
Yeah, that slipped in nice.
Yeah.
I had to get the doctor in jail so that he had to do a letter writing campaign,
and then a sentence was commuted.
I was really into that segment.
Yeah. You actually picked up your thing right after you said it, but then you used it to make sound effects.
Oh, yeah.
I was like, oh, I was working too hard.
Yeah, you, you, I said commuted and then you picked up your index card and then I was like, shit, he's got it.
And then you went.
Oh, man. What was your decoy word?
My decoy word was fielding.
Well, I'm glad I didn't get that.
I said my mom would be nonstop fielding requests.
But that worked so well.
I know.
cut out my long silence where I didn't have a guess
okay no we leave that in
that's how you feel this
wow well you did a really good job
thank you
it's too normal
like you were so good at putting it in it just feels like
I have
a few guesses for you
shoot
oh I'm like oh I have no words but it's on the other side
okay
where would you like to start
baloney
is that a no
that was just a fun one for me
that's nothing
baby grass
baby grass no I don't think it's baby grass
that would be a fun generated word
like what are you doing generator
heinous
no
preventative
no
I have one last guess
Taurus
good one but no
baloney's so funny because I said it and I'm like that sounds funny
yeah but no
it did sound funny
my word was decompose
oh
so the when you unstrap
the bag it can decompose
yeah yeah
and my decoy was footprints
oh our footprints
are clean
or our footprints are
yeah
Yeah. Nice.
I love that you said baloney though.
Oh well.
No points this week. Yeah. You were so
smooth with everything. So were you. Yeah thanks.
But nothing stood up to me at all. I just love talking
to you. God.
Love talking to you too Francis.
Consider the restrictor off our friendship.
It's now gushing.
Finally we've reached gush levels.
Your friendship is so wet.
It's so wet.
All right.
Well, that does it for very fine friends.
Thanks, everybody.
Thank you.
Bye.