welcome to very fine friends
bonus improv super bonus oh super bonus
So bouncy.
It's bonusing.
So juicy and bouncy.
Joe, can we get a suggestion
for a bonus?
Your suggestion
is gay grace.
No. Just kidding.
It's contrition.
Contrition? Yep.
That's the word.
So
can I tell you?
Sorry.
I actually have something to say
and I don't know why I'm stumbling over it so much.
It's okay.
So,
growing up Catholic,
right?
You have your first confession.
Right.
Was it in a nice box?
The confession?
Like in the movies
how it's like a super nice box
with like a really nice screen
and a super hot priest
in the next...
No, no.
Not that kind of a movie.
Okay.
No.
it was a regular, uh, stop ruining this Francis. Um, okay. So I remember, so you're like eight
years old when you get here. Um, so, right. So I was like eight years old. Um, and my younger
brother, Jake would have been five. Um, and I'm sure that we didn't get along at the time. Um,
but anyway, I don't even remember what I confessed, but like, like little kids first
confession stuff is like hilarious it's like i i hit my brother or like i didn't clean my room or
whatever like cute stuff like that but i remember thinking so i remember afterwards there was like
a party at my parents house because there was like other kids like other families that had kids that
also had their first confession um uh we had a party at the house and so then i remember being
outside and there's like this wall like near the garage, like a little like half wall.
It's probably like three feet up maybe.
Um, and I was walking on top of the wall and then my brother, Jake wanted to get on the
wall.
Um, and he was like struggling to get up.
So like I like reached down and I helped pick him up and I was like wow what a good person I am Like in my head I remember thinking I was like wow I really am filled with grace from being free from sin because I am helping Jake out
And I have a distinct memory of thinking this
and being like, man, yeah,
like God's grace is really inside of me
because I'm being nice to my brother.
And I don't think that lasted very long.
Also, I got a Game Boy from my grandparents
as a confession gift.
for your first confession for my first confession i had a game boy that lasted at uh 10 years
because i broke when i was a freshman in college all because you confessed all because i confessed
yeah hmm i don't know if i ever did that when i was you never had a confession i don't think so
nothing is you went to a catholic school yeah nothing's no i didn't go to catholic school i
I just went to a Catholic church.
Got my communion.
Oh, you would have had to have had confession before.
Why don't I remember it?
What happened in there?
I don't know.
Hmm.
Gave me a fuzzy navel.
Yeah, did you happen to give your confession to one of your dad's friends?
It was in a van, a Catholic van.
Was it in a nice van?
Like in the movies, they always have like a nice van with like nice screens and panels.
Yeah.
Stop ruining this, Joe.
There's no windows on the back of it.
And now, improv.
I just wanted to say you don't have to say thank you that I didn't hit you with my car.
What?
I just want to say, I'm sorry.
I know you, we don't really know each other that well, but I saw you walking.
And you kind of, you walked in front of my car as I was pulling into the mall parking lot.
and i had the right of way it's a mall no you didn't you were very far from the crosswalk okay
actually and um i went i i almost floored it and i didn't what and i wanted to just say you don't
have to thank me for that you almost floored it i almost did but i didn't and you're welcome but
you don't have to say thank you i'm not going to say thank you you just told me you almost floored
it i i almost sicko what do you mean i didn't okay i am a good person that's what i wanted to
say to you i absolutely disagree with that and i do think we know each other i know i've seen you
at the store what's wrong with you nothing what's your name i
jeze jezebella i writing that down okay well if you want it for my thank you card i telling you you not being thanked Why not I have a hard life I was on the phone just now And it could have been a lot harder
You're welcome that it wasn't.
Oh, okay.
So you're saying that if I think about breaking your door down tonight and going up the stairs
and choking you to death in your sleep, but I don't, you can thank me?
Yes.
If I wake up tomorrow unchoked, I will thank you.
well we'll see about that won't we i i look forward to it and then you know i i would say
don't i won't say this makes us even if you don't choke me but you know there's nothing to be you
why are you driving so slow and following me while i'm walking still lemon pop poppy seed
muffins if you're getting me a thank you gift i'm that's just if you're if you're gonna do that
that's oh if i'm gonna do that yeah i like not crazy women that i see at the store well if i
find one i'll try to send her your way okay uh women am i right uh you am i right i'm sorry i
didn't catch your name and you know my name yeah okay okay yeah okay okay well i'm jezebella
i know listen you've got problems you're welcome you're welcome for the rest of your life i i don't
need that i don't want that okay i just i'm going to the mall you're nuts smell you later
cut to 37 minutes later inside the mall
i i was i was gonna give you a flat tire on your shoe you i was gonna give you a flat tire on your
shoe i i could have i was walking behind you and i i was and i and a flat tire on my shoe yeah you
know when you step on the back of somebody's shoe and it like your their foot pops out of it because
you're holding their shoe down why would you do that because it because it's a really funny thing
to do when you were walking right by the fountain where there was a lot of teens around and i thought
it would be really funny because you would have looked really stupid but i didn't do it
and the teens are now no longer they're not making fun of you and i just wanted to say you're welcome
Oh, okay. Thank you. Hey, by the way, you're welcome. You're welcome. Because when you were on the escalator, I had this really distinct thought that maybe I could push you down to the floor and your hair could go in the escalator. And then you would rip it off and you'd be partially bald.
Oh, well.
For no reason at all.
You're welcome.
I actually look really good bald, so I would have been fine with that.
So I'm not going to thank you for that.
I'm sorry.
Because that would have been at worst a lateral move for me But I remember when Britney Spears shaved her head and I did it with her in solidarity And I got nothing but compliments So actually I I forgive you for not doing that to me
Oh, this bitch.
Okay, look, I don't, I just, I just want you to know that I'm looking out for you, buddy.
Okay?
I can't handle this right now.
I've had a lot on my plate.
It's been not nice knowing you.
I don't want to ever see you again.
Cut to that night at church.
What?
Hi.
Are you doing here?
Hi.
Jezebel?
Jezebella.
I...
I was insulting you.
Oh.
Well...
Too dumb to notice.
Okay, well, not really, because there's something else I need.
Okay, you're welcome.
Thank you.
No, no, no.
No, no, this is...
This is not a thank you situation.
Oh.
Okay, so...
Okay.
I was...
I was thinking...
that you are a fine looking gentleman and you probably have a fine looking wife.
And I thought about seducing your wife.
I thought about it.
And I did it.
I'm sorry.
You slept with my wife?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
So I guess we're even now.
You slept with my wife.
Yeah.
I thought about it and I did it.
See?
isn't it worse when I follow through on my thoughts
than when I don't?
So now do you want to thank me
for not hitting you with my car?
Or for not giving you a flat tire in front of those teens?
Huh?
Jezebella.
Yeah?
I just came to church for a quick prayer.
We're sitting shiva tonight.
She's dead.
I didn't say I liked it.
It's seen.