so the other day i was pulling up in front of the theater and like there always is there was
magically one spot on the street i don't know how i always get so lucky i know but anyway so
I pull up to like parallel park. So like I pull up next to a car and then I stop. And then suddenly
somebody comes from the sidewalk and like starts to like get into the back of my car.
And like, well, it was locked, thankfully. But I'm, and so I'm like disoriented. I'm like,
I've got my reverse lights on. I don't know if there are people coming down the street,
like waiting for me or whatever. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Like I'm not an Uber driver.
I'm not an Uber driver. And then this person, um, this person comes like, is like annoyed that they
can't get in. It's locked. And so then they come to like the, the passenger side seat and they're
like looking in the window, like, like, what, like, what the heck? And then it turns out it's,
so in my current level one class that I teach, there was only one person that dropped out.
Uh, the rest of them all stuck around. Occasionally there's like one or two. Um,
but this guy dropped out and it was him.
And he,
he like,
he's like looking in an angrily at me.
And then he notices it's me.
And then he goes,
how have you been?
I'm like,
great.
I'm not your Uber driver.
And then he like embarrassing,
like he's embarrassing.
He like walks away.
It was really funny.
That's a pretty good story.
Actually.
Thank you.
That also seems like great advice for anyone who's committing a crime.
and then they get caught to just immediately pivot.
Hey!
What have you been up to?
Oh, were these your jewels?
Oh, sorry.
I thought they were mine.
I only ever steal from people that I've taken an entry-level improv class from.
Yeah.
I'm glad you weren't murdered.
Me too.
Yeah.
I mean, I knew exactly what happened.
It was like, come on, dude.
And then while it was also annoying,
because while he was trying to get into my car,
this like couple just started standing in the spot,
like like looking around,
like to see if they could jaywalk.
And so like,
I'm now I'm like,
I need to back in there.
I have my reverse lights on people pay attention.
Be honest for a split second.
Did you think I'm going to have to use my vehicle as a weapon?
Oh,
uh,
for a split second,
I have thought I've got to get to use my vehicle as a weapon.
Finally.
I'm sorry.
That was taken away from you.
Yeah,
I know.
Yeah,
but good,
good on you.
You didn't put it in drive and find them.
Yeah.
And then you could have hit him and then gotten out of the car and walked up and said,
I'm going to find you.
Yeah.
I will find you.
Yeah.
Anyway, welcome to Very Fine Friends, a podcast where friends talk about stuff.
And occasionally vehicular manslaughter is one of those stuffs.
It's only manslaughter if they die.
That's true.
Is it vehicular mansmaiming if they don't?
I love the way that sounds.
Man's maiming.
Yeah.
Let's call it that.
Okay.
I was thinking love tap, but.
Would you quit man's maiming to me?
Yeah.
No, love tap sounds nice.
You're right.
Like you want it.
Yeah.
Man's maiming.
That's probably already in the legal dictionary.
Well, you are a lawyer.
Let me check my Miriam's legal dictionary.
There it is.
Man's maiming.
Oh, well, I guess I can't believe I intuited that.
I can.
You've been hanging out with me.
You know, I heard that you become like the five closest people in your circle.
Hmm.
Uh-oh.
I need to expand my circle a little bit.
Yeah, I need to change it up.
I know.
This is like your MySpace top five or whatever.
Listeners, just so you know, they're not talking about anyone in this room.
No, no, no.
No, the two of you can stay.
There's two other people that I'm thinking I could rotate out.
Totally.
But anyway, well, here we are.
And here we stay.
To live and laugh and love and play.
And gay.
You gay, you gay.
God.
Gay.
Did you say God?
God.
Gay.
Oh dear gay god
I know that's
what's his face
John Roberts
on YouTube
he had this like running
YouTube series just hilarious
it's basically he voices Linda
on Bob's Burgers
and it's basically Linda
is essentially this character that he's been doing
which I think is supposed to be like his mom
I love her
yeah just
very like Long Island.
Video credit. My son is gay.
John Roberts, YouTube.
Look it up. It's hilarious.
It's just him as his mom coming to terms with the fact that
she's got a gay son.
God.
Gay.
Yeah.
I'll check it out. Thanks.
Yeah, it's funny.
You can probably cut the feed now because I got what I needed.
It's really funny when you've
basically seen it in real life too
with your own mother.
Are you okay? Are you doing okay?
Talk after the pod.
Oh, God.
Anyways.
Back to our straight audience.
Yeah.
Who loves heterosex?
I know I do.
It's all getting our trucks.
I don't know why trucks.
Whoa.
Bird or something.
I think it was like a...
It was smaller than a bird.
It was like a grasshopper.
Like a cicada.
Ah, okay.
It just bumped into the window and for some reason I made me go.
Love tapped into the window.
Yeah.
The birds named.
Yeah.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
And right before we die, we add up all the points.
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is newsstands.
Jenna's decoy word is chronology.
Francis' secret word is seaboard.
Francis' decoy word is extradited
Back to the pod
Alright, well
We didn't have to invent a legal term
Because it already existed
But we do have to get to
The invention of the week
Inventions
I see what you did there
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That was so good.
Francis, what do you got for me?
What up?
Okay.
You, Jenna and Joe.
Yeah.
This is it.
Finally.
I was talking to someone this past week who is a listener.
Hmm.
And they talked about how they went on a date and they got a kiss.
Oh, nice.
And I was like, oh, my God.
It made me think of like how nice a first kiss can be.
Yeah.
and then i thought oh but sometimes you don't have kiss chemistry with someone and you really
like them but you don't have kiss chemistry what if you know how there's no way to make sure you
have kiss chemistry before a first date i do know that you know how that's horrifying because what
if you don't i do know that you know how we all want our next kiss to be our last first kiss
I don't know that
but yes
okay
we want our next kiss to be our last first kiss
yeah
because you want to fall in love and stay with someone forever
you had me at last and then you lost me at first
I just wanted my next kiss to be my last kiss
well we can make that happen
what follows is
an incredible
singular
proprietary wonder
A tour de force for love.
You ready?
Yeah.
Here we go.
My invention, which you're going to love, is a product.
I love it already.
Keep going.
And the product is a kiss.
Let me explain.
Okay.
You buy it in the store or you order it online, depending on what you want, or you get it as a gift.
Those are basically the three ways where you find it.
Okay.
You're just describing how people get things.
That is how products work.
You're just letting them know how you can get it.
Okay.
If you find it, you use it if it's unopened.
Anyway, here's what it is.
If it's damaged, you return it and you get a new one.
And if you're unsatisfied with it, you follow our return policy.
If you want to get one for a friend, you can get them and they can get a gift receipt.
Yeah.
Okay.
Here's what it does.
Okay.
You get it in the mail.
I'm sorry.
What does it look like?
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
I need to tell you what it does.
Okay.
The whole reason you want it.
Okay.
You have a date coming up on Friday night.
with Sean.
And you really want it to work out.
So here's what you do. It's Monday.
You have the product.
You kiss
the product.
Okay.
It is a robotic
mouth that
is a blank slate. You know those
things where you put your face in them and then it holds
your face? It records
a 30 second
kiss. Okay?
Okay.
Yes, Joe?
See, you had an idea?
No, okay.
So it records your kiss, and then you pop it in the mail to your date.
And then your date gets it, and then they see how you kiss.
And they do one, too.
So you kind of get, like, a little taste.
Okay.
I can see one problem with this.
part of kiss chemistry is the other person kissing back.
Yeah.
If you just kiss a blank slate,
it's like you could seem like a bad kisser
because you don't have that other person to play off of.
Yeah.
Joe agrees.
Oh, that makes me think of the pivot I'm doing, which is...
Oh, God, I'm glad we got to the pivot.
Well, no, I was just thinking it records both sides.
stop just stop i know you have heavy criticisms coming my way let me just tell you
okay i just figured it out and thank you for your feedback it's very valuable
it is a remote kissing device and you've each got one and you kiss yours and they kiss theirs
and it does to each other what's happening but francis i hate to be the one to tell you this
but you've already invented this before.
Is this the sex robot?
Yeah.
No, this is just a mouth.
Okay, so you're saying this is a smaller version of it,
but let's look at this from the...
It's a training tool.
Let's look at this from the angle that Francis is trying to sell it,
which is first kiss chemistry.
So if the person is on the other end,
you like doing it and it's replicating what they're doing and you're doing
why would you do that and not just kiss the person
I want to go back to the mailing kit
okay what well it's practice and then real life is
it's different because you're it's a it's and then in person it's
I know why would you want the robot also then you still have to
have the awkward conversation of like oh well like because if you're not
into it then you still have to be like oh actually i'm not into it anymore why not just invent the
new custom that you kiss somebody before the date if your whole thing is that you want to avoid
going on a date with someone that you're not going to have chemistry with yeah just like a lemon law
situation yeah where you just kiss them and then if you don't have chemistry it's like well sorry
no date but then again also part of the chemistry comes from how the date goes yeah
so
um i see your point okay i think people love
mailing things
so you just wanted to invent something that has to be put into the mail people like receiving
things in the mail too.
Yes, that's true.
So if you received a set of lips
in the mail,
just be excited. There's probably going to be a cultural
thing. You know, like teenagers will do weird trends.
There's probably going to be something where they like
try to find these in the mail and ruin it
by like kissing it first.
Well, no, I feel like there would be
like a market of people who are
really good kissers that would like offer to
like for a fee.
they'll do it for you and then send it like a real Cyrano de Bergerac situation yes exactly
yeah well maybe what's needed is kissing lessons yeah that could be um
I I feel like granted it's been a long time
since my last first kiss since your last kiss um but i feel like part of the excitement of it is
i don't know what's gonna happen i don't know if it's gonna be electric or
blah or what yeah i agree with that but that's not a very long-lasting feeling
but it's a fun feeling
like the lead up I think is
to a first kiss is
intoxicating
what if we use this as a way to match people
hey you know who you'd really like to kiss
cause then you can go into a store
and be like these are local singles in your area
kiss all these
so it's just a wall of mouths
yeah
do they have like a jar of coffee beans
for like you can reset your palate
between each one.
Someone's just brushing the mouth of the...
Hold on, I'm putting a glycerin on it.
That could be fun.
Yeah.
Well, then it's like a real...
That's like a real blind date.
You know you have chemistry with this person physically.
You don't know anything about them,
and so you just pick the person who you liked kissing the most.
Yeah.
Ooh, that's interesting.
Yeah, that's interesting.
Hey, I recognize you.
Didn't I kiss your mouth?
On the wall, the shop downtown.
Would the mouth be shaped like the person's mouth?
I think that makes the most sense.
Yeah.
Well, then that might throw people off.
What if you're like, I don't like the way those lips look or something.
You go in.
Get a load of those lips.
Well, the room is dim.
Okay.
They're behind curtains.
They blindfold you.
And then you start kissing a wall full of mouths It very very dim While a man plays the organ in the background I liked number seven and number 25
Please step out.
Yeah, that could be fun.
I mean, this is a fun idea.
And just, again, I'd like to see people doing this.
I'd like to go to that store and see what that looks like.
Then would you consider that, let's say you're in a relationship and you go to one of these stores and you try out the kiss mouths?
That's not cheating.
That's what I was going to ask.
Is that cheating?
No, it's not cheating.
It's not getting a massage.
Is that cheating?
Oh, my God.
What if there's like a pina colada song situation where they like two people that are unhappy with each other both put their mouths on the wall?
And it's like you recognize the...
No, they don't recognize.
And then they're like, they're looking to kiss some new lips, you know?
and then they find someone they really like
and they're like oh I'm going to meet up with this person and then it's each other
you just gave me a brilliant idea
you know how there's
I'm going to say eclipse rooms what am I thinking
oh you said what
escape rooms
and like puzzle nights
what if you and your significant other
go do your kiss
and then they have to see if they can
find
the matching
yeah
so it's like you can't escape until you find your partner's kiss
okay that'd be a fun game and a bunch of couples could play at the same time and then like
winning couples the one who does it the fastest but okay if all these that's always the winning
couple what if you're you're like yeah you're like you got your like couple friends with you
And you're like, oh, let's all go do this thing.
And then like, so it's like, it's got everybody else, like all of your friends.
So it's like you're kissing all of your friends.
Yeah.
What if you kiss one of them and you're like, holy shit, that was amazing.
Yeah.
I see this.
You'll never know who it was.
It's anonymous.
Anonymous.
Well, not if you're doing it escape room style.
You only know when you're right.
Like when you kiss someone, the person doesn't yell out, that was Craig.
No, I understand.
But wouldn't all the kisses have to be the people that are doing it?
And others.
Oh, okay.
It's a big wall of kisses.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
So there's enough sprinkled in there that you would have no idea if it was one of your friends.
They saved them.
Yeah.
When you sign in, it's like, we're keeping this.
We're keeping this kiss.
We're using this for other couples.
Keeping your kiss.
Yeah.
You signed a waiver.
Your kiss belongs to us.
Every kiss belongs to us.
Hope you won't miss your kiss.
Uh, this is back to our straight audience.
Uh, well, okay.
What do you want to name this bad boy?
Okay.
Here's my idea.
France now.
Yeah.
Like French kissing.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Is there tongue involved or is this just, yeah.
Okay.
I mean, it depends on the person.
Yeah, that's true.
France now.
France.
Now.
France is.
France kiss.
I like that better.
Even though we're getting farther from
why I said France now.
France kiss is cute.
It's an homage to the inventor.
Yeah.
I love that.
Write it down.
Okay.
Is that your new nickname?
France Kiss?
Yeah.
And everyone needs to know I'm an excellent kisser.
I'm sure you are.
Thanks.
It means a lot.
As you know, it's something I enjoy.
Yes.
I do know that you do it.
Cool.
Okay, Joe, do you have any alternate?
You're the naming guru.
uh i thought of i had one other one i just left me but the main one i thought of was hit or kiss
hit or kiss like hit or miss oh i like that hit or miss but also like kind of like smash or pass
too it's like it's like a do do i want to go out with this person again or not wow
it also sounds like hit her
yeah
hit her kiss hit her right in the kisser
yeah let's go with that one
give her a love tap right in the kisser
woman's manor
it's a new addition to the
library
oh mystery mouth
that was the other one I thought of
mystery mouth
hmm
well
I think I would definitely like to see a store that has all of these kisses
like on the wall and then I,
and people just go in and they're making out with,
with the wall.
Or like when you start going to restaurants and like,
instead of like having autographed pictures of famous people that have been to
that restaurant,
it's autographed mouths from that famous person on the restaurant wall.
Do you guys like this?
It's a little bit out there.
Soup smoocho.
Soup smooch-o?
Yeah.
It sounds like a soup restaurant.
Soup smooch-o, like...
Oh, like soups...
Smooch.
Yeah, like super smooch.
That's a super smooch.
Why not?
Soup smooch-o just had a little ring to it.
Super smooch.
well
I look forward to this escape room
I look forward to
um
celebrity kiss
people would steal those
what was it super what
smooch
super smooch
you and moi
because moi is another word for kiss isn't it
isn't it moi me
what's moi me
well yeah that's why it's you and moi so maybe instead of it's moi it's moi it's moi
and say it's moi write it down
oh there it is it's definitely on the paper and out of my brain
okay i have wrote it down all right thanks that was fun and i know that we liked it in the end
yeah uh well
I'm sure by the time this episode
comes out there will be a franchise
of these
mystery mouth places
all around
so go you know listeners
get on out there
find your match it'll be so
popular that franchises
as a word will be renamed
Fran kisses
yeah we should probably
buy that now so that we could
let him get away with it anyway because we're nice
I own this but go ahead
alright
well yes by the time
you listen to this
that will be already a registered trademark
by us so
don't use it without our permission
but we're pretty nice about it so
yeah
alright well that wraps up the invention
of the week
speaking of love
i think i brings this to our next segment oh prison pen pals
i'm writing my pen pal in prison
sounds nice hmm well would you like to explain this for instance yeah prison pen pals is a
beautiful segment wherein one of us is a prisoner and one of us is a citizen who is not a prisoner
and through the magic of dating catalogs um the prisoner and the non-prisoner find each other and
it's it's a series of dictated letters that go back and forth who understand how they met and
what their relationship is like and where it may go.
Which we've already established people like sending mail and receiving mail.
They do.
So.
Usually not mail that has to go through a bomb detector, but still.
I think that's kind of exciting.
I don't know if any of my mail has gone through bomb detector.
Oh.
It has.
I don't know, maybe.
Sometimes I think people just, because I know people that work and I'm like, if some of
these people have jobs, I guarantee you they're just like, next.
Yeah.
You're saying some of my mail should have gone through and didn't because someone was lazy on the job?
Yeah.
Hmm.
I wonder what scenario it would have gone through in.
Probably the tennis ball.
Oh, yeah, the tennis ball.
Listeners, if you are confused, you need to be a better fan.
Yeah.
Listen to some back episodes.
You'll hear the tennis ball story.
Come back, you'll get it.
Anyway, so are you feeling more of a connection with the prisoner or the non-prisoner?
I'll be the prisoner.
You will?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, great.
I guess I'll be the other one.
Okay, shall we begin?
We shall.
June 1st.
This year.
Dear Roger,
All I can tell you is that since you replied to my inquiry from the catalog,
my heart has been a flutter.
All I do is sit in my room and scream,
Yes, Roger loves me.
Yes.
Enclosed is the $1,400 you asked for.
I hope you'll tell me how you're going to use it.
Roger, I look forward to being your wife one day.
Sincerely, Cindy.
What up, Cindy girl?
The date is June 4th, this year.
Thanks so much for the money.
I can't tell you what I'm going to use it for
but needless to say I got some big plans
for when I get out of here
and you're a big part of them plans Cindy
my dog is also part of them plans
he's real cool you'll meet him
his name is Bruiser
anyway if you could possibly also
sand
some
beef jerky.
I like beef jerky.
And, um,
maybe one of those
tiny little hammers
like they have in the Shawshank Redemption.
Don't ask me why.
Can't tell you.
Sherwood would appreciate it, though.
You're
prisoner
for now.
guy for life.
Roger.
June 5th this year.
Roger, dot, dot, dot.
Is everything okay?
I noticed when you signed off your letter,
you didn't say love.
Love, comma, love, comma, Roger.
I hope you're all right.
Anyway, I ran right to the store
in search of beef jerky.
I got turkey jerky, beef jerky, teriyaki,
pineapple, regular, animal flavored.
Roger
Jerky
If that's the way to your heart
I'll jerk all around town
I also found a multitude of hammers
Picture hammer
Guide hammer
Framing hammer
That was really it
I've enclosed them all
With a note
To the people that go through your mail
To let them know that the hammers are
Going to a sweet man named Roger
and to please not hold them back because they're for crafts.
Roger, I looked up your information and I found where you used to live
and I'm not ashamed to say I took your dog.
Bruiser now lives with me.
He's a great dog. He's a swell dog.
Roger, I'm a little confused about something.
Your files have been redacted.
My friends have been asking a lot of questions
and they're concerned that they don't know why you're in prison.
I told them you don't need to know.
I don't even need to know. I love him.
But I am curious if you could share.
Anyway, just so we're totally clear, I love you, Roger.
Capital L-O-V-E, love.
Sincerely end with love, and one day your wife, Cindy P.S., my ring size is six.
Dear Cindy,
I hate to have to write the phrase dumb bitch, because it doesn't...
Letters don't properly convey tone.
but I'm afraid you're being a dumb bitch.
Everybody knows
when you say beef jerky,
you mean Slim Jim.
You sent me a whole bunch of shit
that's not Slim Jims.
And I'm pretty sure I also asked you
specifically for a little hammer
that they have in the Shawshank Redemption.
I didn't need
a whole bunch of hammers.
you dumb bitch.
Again, I'm real sorry.
Conveying tone in a letter is hard.
One thing you should know about Bruiser
now that he's with you,
he does like to hump stuff.
Be prepared for that.
Also,
he has night terrors
where he goes out
and
he thinks
he's dreaming
but it's actually like a waking nightmare situation.
He hunts things.
So
be prepared to be hunted
and humped.
As for my crimes
don't you worry your little dumb bitch head
about it.
Again I mean that.
in an affectionate way.
You can't really convey tone in a letter.
But
I wouldn't worry too much about it.
I just, if possible, avoid newsstands.
Don't read anything about me that you might see
in any paper
or nothing.
And definitely,
definitely don't Google
water park bandit.
Don't do that.
And if you do, just remember
I'm a good guy at heart.
Conda.
Sincerely,
Roger.
I'm a dumb bitch.
I should have known to buy you Slim Jims.
They were right there.
Why didn't I get them?
I think I just wanted to impress you so bad
with all the different kinds of beef I could find.
I hope you still eat them or at least give them to your friends in prison.
I've been humped many times by your dog, Bruiser.
I like to think it's you.
So I let it go on a little too long.
But eventually I do stop it.
Roger.
I've never been in a relationship like this before, so sometimes I just don't know how to act.
You're right about the hammers, too.
Who's I trying to impress?
Dumbit alert.
So I took some time and I looked up where that movie was made and I drove there.
I was right. They did have a gift shop full of Sharshan cameras.
I bought them all.
And then I thought, there she is again, trying to impress Roger.
And I went back and I returned them all except one.
You only need one.
I got it with me and I going to mail it I have every intention of mailing it Except you see I couldn help but notice your sign said sincerely
And mine said love.
I actually said love in all capitals.
And I can understand if you're not there yet, but also you should have assured me that it's okay that I said that, because you know I've been freaking out.
I said love and you said nothing
Roger
The fuck
Just think about it
Let me know
This is a nice hammer and I wouldn't mind keeping it
Also I did google
Water killer bandit or whatever you said
And um
Pretty heinous stuff
Okay it would take a real cool and understanding
Chick to still love someone like that
Some heinous beast
Who did heinous beast crimes
But I'm willing to do it for love.
Okay?
Love you.
Sincerely.
With love.
Dumb bitch.
Cindy.
Dash.
Send nudes.
Dash.
Roger.
See nudes.
Send.
Roger.
I am so embarrassed.
I can't believe I sent nudes.
I've never done that before.
Ever.
Please don't share them with the rest of the guys.
Please don't put them up in your cell.
Please don't look at them in the dark.
Also, what about all the other stuff I said?
Roger, I've noticed that you're not responding.
I'm getting upset.
And frankly, I'm horny.
I'm horny for love and other stuff.
And I chose you.
and I've sent you over
$2,000 in cash
many meats and cheeses
encouraging words
and I've been thinking about you
and I've lost all my friends
because of what you did
the sick things you did
and now you go cold on me?
Don't piss me off.
Dear Rashida
What's up girl?
I love that you wrote me.
You sound like you're not a dumb bitch.
I really look forward to getting to know you, to getting some nudes.
Love, Roger.
Clink, clink, clink, clink.
Dear Roger, I wonder, have you noticed late at night lying in your cell
that sometimes you hear a weird clinking sound?
Gee, I wonder what that could be.
Not someone with a vengeance holding a shot-sharing camera on the outside of the prison working on their way in.
Gee, only time will tell.
Anyway, who the fuck is Rashida?
Dear Cindy, please disregard my last letter
or regard it as a joke.
Either way, don't worry about it.
Something real cool happened.
I got sent anonymously a poster of a pinup girl from the 50s
and I was told to hang it up in my cell
and don't look behind it.
Ever.
I don't look a gift horse in the mouth,
so of course I hung it up.
I don't know what you were driving at
with that clink, clink, clink business
and the Shawshank hammer,
but I sure do wish you'd send me that thing.
Sorry about the Rashida business,
or ha-ha about the Rashida business,
depending on which way you took it.
Anyway, I sold your nudes.
And traded them for some beef jerky.
Some Slim Jams.
So in a way, you did get me Slim Jams, and I do appreciate that.
In the meantime, don't worry about me being barbaric.
Or anything that you might have read on the internet.
just maybe send new nudes and I'll try and keep these.
And,
uh,
maybe a few hundred dollars wouldn't hurt either.
Best Roger.
Dear Roger,
I hope he received all the money and extra nudes I sent.
I feel disrespected by you.
It's hard for me to vocalize that,
but I'm strong when I said it.
I'm writing it down again.
I feel disrespected by you.
I've enclosed two tablets.
I'd like for you to take them tonight.
Sincerely,
Cindy.
Thank you for the drugs.
I look forward to taking them tonight
in my sale.
I'm sure it's real good shit.
And you know what?
I'll finally look into that conjugal tent.
Maybe set something up.
Talk to the warden.
I'll get back to you.
After I take these drugs that you sent me.
Love.
Roger.
Dear R
Thanks for taking the drugs
It made my plan really come together
As you know or maybe not know
I've been shawshanking through the other side of prison
For many weeks now
The drugs you took last night
Put you in almost a comatose state
I was able to slip in and quote
Have my way with you
You'll be happy
Unhappy or ambivalent to note
That I've taken child
Your child
Also, because you sold my nudes
Which was a total invasion of my privacy and not cool
I received a letter from the person who bought them
He knew from the minute he saw me in the nude
I was the one for him
I'd begun a relationship with him
I think it would be best if I just kept our baby
And dated this other guy
Who, by the way, takes meat of all denominations
and who said he loved me right away
and just moved on with my life.
And just so you know,
I knew who you were the whole time.
I'm the mother of that water park.
Wow.
Think that wraps up prison pen pals.
pretty good segment but nothing to write prison about
what a harrowing journey that happens all the time in prison yeah i know well we just saw
an example of it that i mean that was just one of many stories that could have been told today
um little confession sometimes i see hot prisoners like on the internet and i'm like
you know people write them letters for real like there's like yeah i'm like maybe i maybe i'll do
that but i never have good don't sometimes they're very hot and it's like how soon until they're
extradited out of prison you know uh i just saw this thing do you remember like a few years ago
there was that hot mugshot guy he was luigi no oh no no i'll see if i can find a picture of him
later but like he was a guy he had like like like like piercing blue eyes oh and then he became a
model yeah he's like a model for real now and he has like owns a company like he got a modeling
contract and and yeah i just like saw something about it was like oh yeah yeah i remember that
that just from his mug shot he got a modeling contract well it's hard to look good in a
and that.
Yeah.
In a mugshot?
Yeah.
Can't confirm he's, yeah.
Yeah.
But he's got, like, it's like,
because he's got, like,
a dark, like,
darker complexion skin,
but, like,
blue eyes.
Yeah.
He's tall.
Yeah.
Good bone structure.
All things he can control.
So glad it worked out for him.
Yep.
All things that he chose.
Yeah.
Let me see.
Yeah.
I mean, he's not for me, but he's very attractive.
I just, I, that would just, I, what did you Google to?
Prisoner who became a hot mugshot guy.
Hot mugshot guy.
So that's just for our listeners.
So they, they could.
Photo credit, hot mugshot guy.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, now that that's out of the way.
Yeah.
Maybe one of those hot, hot prisoners that you write a letter to could become a model.
That was my point.
Yeah.
The problem is you think they're hot and then you look up what they did and it's a horrible crime.
Yeah, it's got to be.
It's like, this guy mowed down a family on accident because he was racing his friends.
It's like, oh, I don't want to date that.
Yeah.
Did he win?
Did he win the race?
Not in a long run.
Well, it's time for our final segment, The Big Question.
The question is very big.
now as per usual
in the
chronology of the big question
I
this is where I ask you
Francis
do you have a big question?
because I don't
that was something
I bet Francis has a
huge question.
Yeah. That was a real herd of cattle,
Jenna.
I'm gonna write it down
and then I'll figure out what to do with it later.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Of course you don't.
Yes, I got a
humongous
big old question.
Big old question for you.
Big old question.
Is question too big for you?
I'll be a judge of that.
Yeah, you gonna judge my big question?
here it is my question is so i don't know if you know this about me but i'm actually
kind of afraid of the open ocean i mean like a lot afraid um so i think about it a lot because
i also really want to take a cruise um so those two things don't really like yeah mesh yeah um
i would do it especially because it's like there's a lot of people so it's like oh if we're gonna die
we're all going to die.
That comforts me.
Anyway, so my question to you is.
Okay.
You host a cruise ship company.
Like, it's your company.
Okay?
You have a bunch of people like me
who's terrified of the ocean.
You have to tailor your cruise
to people who are, like, terrified of the water.
So you need to, like, tell me all the features
that you would have
and what you would do to make people who are afraid of water forget and enjoy the cruise.
Like, what would the cruise be about?
Wait, the cruise is themed towards getting people to not be afraid of water?
Yes.
Not just like what preventative measures am I taking?
Not just like, oh, we have life to, nothing like that.
Just like, what activities are you going to do?
How are you going to make scared people not scared of the cruise?
But like not in like a therapeutic way, like immersion therapy or whatever.
Like this is your baby.
You can do whatever you want with your baby.
Okay.
Listeners, don't do whatever you want with your baby.
Be responsible with your babies, please.
Okay.
That's the lady who shook my baby.
Oh, that's a real deep cup.
I think that's episode one, right?
Right to the bone.
Yeah.
Okay.
first uh i would uh have a design your own life preserver crafting class love it
love it yeah so that's great everyone can be dazzle and be jangle whatever they want
the jangle yeah that's a what's be jangling it's a fun is that your word
fuck no that better not be your word
I'll be pissed
is that a word? I'm upset
calm down calm down
you'll find out later
Joe you didn't give her that did you?
okay it's not the time for that now
I'm gonna be so mad
no
okay it's not the time for it
did I isn't it?
shut up now
oh I'm upset
I'm trying.
I'm upset.
Calm down.
Okay.
So basically people could do whatever they want to make their life preservers their own.
So then it becomes not like a scary thing that only you need in an emergency.
It becomes a fun accessory.
And then we could even have life preserver fashion shows.
So like people like strut the runway and their little, and then whoever wins, like that will have a little vote and whoever wins the vote gets a fun little prize.
So that would be one activity.
And then it's like, it's almost like you're hoping that you get into an accident, you know?
Because yeah, you kind of want to show off your hard work.
Right.
I would also make all of the beds shaped like, you know how there's like little kids have race car beds?
I used to have one.
Oh, I think they're fun.
I hope that people still do that for their children.
Instead of race car beds, they would be like boat beds.
So it would make people feel like the Titanic and you could click the remote and the back
could like come up like the ship was breaking.
Oh, wait.
So, oh, so it's like a hospital bed, but it's like breaking in half.
Yeah.
So like when you're flat, it's a Titanic.
And then when you raise it up to sit, we hit an iceberg.
Yeah.
That's a fun, fun way to do that.
So it adds a little whimsy.
And, you know, like people feel safe when they're sleeping.
so um it's like hey you're safe in a boat if you're ever thirsty and you need water then someone
just comes and dunks your head in a bucket of water for five minutes to make you feel like
you're drowning and it's the temperature of the atlantic yep very cold very cold the atlantic
yeah famously cold yeah yeah go on you're doing great thank you um i would have uh a special
buffet that was all is completely like fish related or like completely like things like
in the ocean but it would all be like delicious like really really well prepared so that it like takes away like the scariness of like what in the ocean It like this is in the ocean delicious shrimp and a nice white fish
What's in the ocean?
This is in the ocean.
Yeah, so it takes away the scary factor of that.
Great, love a buffet.
I would have a, there would be a standup comedian and like every cruise standup comedian,
they would not be a good standup, but here would be my little twist on that.
They would be in a dunk tank.
So they'd be doing their set from a dunk tank.
And anytime they made a really bad joke, the audience would get to throw something at him,
like throw like tomato balls whatever like they'd be balls but they look like tomatoes
uh and if then be able to dunk him so he'd get submerged in water it's like a fun way to be like
oh that was a bad joke you're a bad comedian boom then he's in water you're still safe outside the
dunk tank um so it's also taking away it's giving humor to being in water too like i was really
hoping it was just going to be instead of a dunk tank just like a shoot that goes through the bottom
Into the ocean?
Into the ocean.
Be funny or die.
I don't know if I could do that to my worst enemy.
Yeah.
I want to make people have positive associations with the water
so that they don't feel like they're going to die.
I love the first thing you came up with.
I like the idea of that kind of activity.
Yeah.
What other things do they do on cruises?
They split people up on sides.
What does that mean?
Well, there's two sides to a boat.
And a band of bands on the back.
And to every story.
Yeah, but I mean, they split people up to sides, but what does that mean?
Well, you split people up based on personality.
So this is the stuff that we're doing on port side.
Is that what you said?
Port?
Port and starboard.
And on starboard side, this is the stuff we do.
Yeah, it's like having two stages at a festival.
Yeah, so say you're there with someone that you're there with, like a spouse or a friend or any other relationship.
Anyway, but you're not the same.
So it's like, hey, I'm going to be over here picking up starfish in this little tank.
And you're going to be on the other side painting starfish.
But they do actually separate them to a different sense?
So it's just going.
going. It's just like
an itinerary, basically.
This stuff is happening on this side.
Like at a
concert where it's like, oh, this band is playing on this
stage at 11 a.m., but this other band
is playing on the other stage at 11 a.m.
I can't see them both. You made it sound like this was
some kind of special cruise ship thing
that they do. Oh, no, no. I was just giving ideas.
I was like, what else do they do on a cruise ship? And you're like,
they split people up into sides.
I was like, what?
Well, all I know basically is
there's food,
entertainment
portholes
you can look through
you can stay up all night
you can get up at 2 in the morning
and if you're hungry
the kitchen's open
that is cool to me
I
would have
an ice limbo
yeah so as
you're limboing
and you know it's getting hot and sweaty in there then it starts to drip
it's dripping on you as it's so people are you're gonna get wet do you want to get wet
well it's again it's a way to like softly introduce you softly introduce uh um
water into these people's lives people that are afraid of this water
just like see nothing to be scared of we're having a fun time yeah and maybe they could find a maybe
I think they could find a nice shark
and it could be
in the ship.
Like in a little thing.
And you could be around it.
A nice shark?
Yeah.
Like
was it Left Shark
from Katy Perry at the Super Bowl?
Yeah.
We could probably get him.
That would be great.
That was 12 years ago.
Isn't that insane?
yes it is insane
it's like it was this morning
in my memory
I'm still waiting for it to happen
so funny well I think you're doing really
great
I
I think
there would
I would have a
I would have a room
or like a section of it
for the people that are really, really ready to face their fears
where it's like lucite bottom.
Oh.
So you can like walk through and kind of see what's going on.
And also I think that would demystify some things.
Like, hey, see, it's not as scary as you think.
You have a goal, something you work up to.
And part of the working up to it too,
there would be a uh like a rage cage type room that would have the very same lucite in it that
you could hit and so then people could go to the rage room and hit other things but they could hit
the lucite and then see how strong that lucite is that it's like don't worry this is not going to
break look you just tried to break it yourself and you failed i gave you a big old hammer not
one of those tiny Shawshank hammers.
And so, yeah.
I was thinking too, since you mentioned that,
that could go deep, like under the ship.
It could extend down deeply
and there could be like stairs.
So you could go in the, like in the ocean,
you know, down below while it's ships moving.
You could be sitting like underwater
and watching everything go by.
Yeah, that would be cool.
Yeah, we should email them.
dear cruises do this remember when i gave you that trip to knott'sbury farm
um yeah that's a good idea i would like that you know what's another idea i had about it
everyone goes on their first day on the cruise and we stay in the bay
or there's land yep yes yeah we're fine that's so funny i actually did think of that and i
forgot to say it.
Legit, I know that sounds like I'm lying.
No, no, but yeah, you'd have a day
where it's like, no, no, we're just at...
Yeah, baby steps. We're just out.
We're just sitting
in the bay. We're gonna be
here for a day and a half.
And then we're gonna move
half a mile offshore.
No, I was thinking while they were sleeping, we move.
No, because then you'd wake up to a bunch
of screaming people. Yeah.
No, they need to be aware.
Which is fine if that's what you're expecting.
Yeah, that's a different kind of cruise.
No, because my general manager, when people started screaming, would start throwing people off.
But it would be actors from our cruise line.
So someone would start the screaming and be like, oh my God, they took us out in the middle of the air.
And he would throw that person who was an actor into the ocean.
And then everyone would shut up.
and the general manager would be like see oh you know what i would do i would pick one
i would do the same thing have like an actor whatever and or but i would say i would put
them into like a tank and be like every time someone freaks out about water this person who
is also freaked out about water we're gonna add a little bit of water to this tank that he's in
and so you control whether or not this guy drowns so you're basically doing a milgram
experiment on your cruise ship yeah that's right okay well it'd be like hey nope no freaking out
because if you freak out this guy dies and he's just as scared as water so you're gonna be yeah
why should you be why should you get to be scared without repercussions more than him right exactly
so as long as hey as long as everyone keeps their cool everybody wins and there's coupons
for activities.
Yes. Take a deep breath.
This guy might die.
There are coupons.
I like the idea of throwing one of them off.
Yeah, that's good. Because then he could swim around
and one of us could pull him up.
But then
if they see him again, does that
ruin the legitimacy of the
ruse?
They won't see him again because he
was wearing one of those silicone masks
where he looked like a different person.
Okay, good.
Anyway, yeah, people will definitely come back to it.
Because once they realize nothing bad happened, except one guy was thrown off.
But that was his fault for Scream.
That was his fault.
But once they realized, as soon as they got control of their fears, everything was fine.
They had a great time.
They saw paintings.
They pet animals.
They were herded around every side of the ship.
They had a great time.
They climbed down into a Lucite.
Wonderland.
Yep.
well uh i think yeah i think i've answered the big question sounds like all you did
that was a real slim gem of an answer to that wraps up the big question the big question
uh now the moment you've been waiting for francis is it bejangled
is your fucking word bejangled my word is not oh thank god i've never heard the word
bejangled before my... It's not a real word.
It's not a word. I just, as soon as I said it, I'm like...
Because I said it in a way that was like
bejangled, I was like, no!
Nope.
She got me to say a weird one.
Alright, do you want me to start making some guesses then? Yes.
Alright.
We're going to hold off
on the C word, because I don't know what to do with that one.
Could be nothing.
Yeah, sure. It's something.
Could it be custom?
No.
I wrote down mugshot.
Nope.
Is it lucite?
No.
Oh, you puffed up for me.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Demystify.
Nope.
We've got one word left.
And we both know what it is.
We both know what it is.
And I don't know what to do with it, Jenna.
was it your decoy word because i know it's one of the two were you decoying me
so what's what do i do decoy
another another oh he's the best listener listener cut you're gonna have to listen to a different
episode okay because here's what i'm struggling with right now if i just don't say anything i'm
fine. I didn't say this.
Okay.
But I feel like you
closed the gap last week and maybe I should
be bold.
Now you're describing how gambling works.
You said it.
Were you trying? What were you doing? What was your
motivation, girl? Is your decoy word chronology?
What's your official guess
is my decoy word chronology.
I just want to make sure.
um it's your word isn't it i need to know what your official word you're guessing that is my word
yeah it's my d call me no no no no i can't believe i talked to you you really led the witness on that
I'm effing pissed.
I gave him an, I said, what is your final answer?
Why would you do that?
Because you were going to guess my decoy word.
You're a demon from hell.
Fudge.
Yay.
God.
No, no.
Sorry, Francis.
You don't look sorry.
No, I'm not.
I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm not sorry, really.
I'm happy.
I thought you were slipping it.
I thought you said it so awkwardly.
I don't care anymore.
at least it wasn't be jangled
I guess
that was a humiliating
loss
well alright well let me see if I can
do any damage to you
you mean more
yeah do more damage
I didn't I don't have very
I don't feel confident about any of my guesses
shit
was it tour de force
no
portholes
or porthole
I couldn't remember which one you said
it's a funny word to just hear
I have two guesses for your decoy
alright let's hear them
eclipse
I thought that would have been really good
when you were like eclipse room
What's the word I'm thinking of?
Oh, no, I was genuinely stupid.
And then my other guess would be chemistry?
No.
Okay.
All right, let's start with my decoy word.
Extradited.
We're going to extradite them from prison.
Oh, yeah.
Now let's get to the good stuff.
My word was...
Oh, God, it's...
Did I say it a whole bunch of times, whatever it is?
I honestly don't remember when you said
I honestly don't remember when you said your word
you don't?
no
what was your word?
Francis I'm sorry
no I just realized I didn't say it
I realized I thought it was a different word
star word
I did
Francie
I thought it was star word
oh francy i'm so sorry does anyone have a gun
and i was so excited i said starboard i got you to say starboard because i thought that was my word
what was your word seaboard seaboard seaboard is that why you said something about it was a big
question about a cruise just so you could get yeah oh man oh i'm sorry you don't even get the
one point for wow i can't believe this i'm sorry now i am sorry i feel bad for you
I'm net two on this one now
cool
that's been our show
wait how was I net two
oh I didn't tell you what my
real word was
I don't care
news stands
I don't feel better
I don't even remember that coming up
yeah
I said
it's also in prison penbells
prison penbells
I said
don't
go to
don't go looking at newsstands
don't go reading stories
I can't believe
I did this
again
ugh
I'm sorry Francis
but
not that sorry
I'm making up ground
I have to double check
I think you're winning now
there's a chance
is it even worth it for me to go on
yes
because if
if I am winning
is by like one point.
You were very far ahead.
I don't like feeling like an idiot.
Well.
I feel great.
Bye.