listeners as we begin this episode i'd like to tell you we're on vacation we're recording the
pod on vacation.
Splash, splash, splash.
Or ski noise, ski noise, ski noise.
We're not telling you where we are,
listeners. Or giraffe, giraffe,
giraffe. Nick! Nick!
Yeah, we're
on location,
which is pretty fun. So if you hear any
other different sounding
background noises, then
you
will know that it's a vacation
background noise. And good for
you for figuring that out. And in a way, you're on vacation too. Yeah, that's right. This is a
vacation from your real life. So slip into your robes, put on your comfiest slippers, and shave
off your hair like everyone does on vacation. Yeah. Well, welcome listeners to Very Fine Friends.
Francis, how are you enjoying our mysterious vacation?
I am so relaxed that I wouldn't be surprised if I passed away.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's the optimal level of relaxation.
It's teetering on death.
I knew someone who was a massage therapist who knew, like her coworker, was massaging an old lady and massaged her to death.
No.
Yeah.
Could she tell the moment when the lady died?
No.
she just was rubbing a dead body
it was like time for her to get up she was dead
and the family was mad but she was like
how high could you be
your parent died
getting a massage
super relaxed
that's not the worst way to go
that poor girl
I know that would be traumatizing
I'd be okay with it
what if you think it would be traumatizing
and then it happens and then you're like
I'm fine with this
in fact I need to do it again
Yeah. Who else can I massage to death?
That's a new method of execution.
Yeah. I'm sentenced you to be massaged to death.
Yeah, that would make me worried about myself.
Oh, as the masseuse?
Yeah, if I was rubbing a dead body for like the better part of an hour and I didn't know it.
And then when I found out, I was just like, oh, well.
I'm taking my break.
No, I don't need a break.
Next one, please.
The older, the better.
new business idea the older the better
well no think dr kevorkian but with a table with a hole in the front of it yeah that's where the
head goes oh i know yeah okay cool quick interruption every week on the podcast we do
something where our producer joe gives francis and i each our own secret word throughout the
course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without
the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
And right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize, whoever has the most
points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is
artistry. Jenna's decoy
word is domesticity.
Francis' secret word
is overestimate.
Francis' decoy word is
amendments. Back to the pod.
Well, that's
kind of a good segue.
We just invented a new way to euthanize
people. And it's a nice
way. It is a nice way.
We're giving back.
To your back.
Oh, giving back to our back.
Back to back.
Word or mitts.
Save it for the next segment, which is the invention of the week.
Inventions.
Francis, I know you're on vacation, so I hate to make you work.
But I want to know, do you have an invention?
It's not work, Tubi.
When you love what you do,
every day is a hobby.
And with you, it's like,
it's, yeah.
With you, it never looks like work.
It's like clearly very,
it's artistry through and through.
I don't know how you do it.
I get to watch here
and have a front row seat.
So good.
Thank you.
I'm honored.
Thank you for bearing witness
to my genius.
Your genius?
Yeah.
The S is silent.
Yeah. And it's a special kind of plural.
It's not Latin plural. It's a whole, you get a whole other.
Yeah, it's not the kind you question.
No.
Yeah, if you do question it, you weren't meant for it.
You should leave forever.
Book a massage, bitch.
Murder bits.
Here's the invention.
Okay.
You know how it's hard to trust?
I do know that.
You know how people lie?
I do know that.
You know how...
Or do...
I don't know that.
What?
Just kidding.
I'm lying.
I do know that people lie.
Are you lying now?
I am.
Your nose is coming toward me.
You're welcome.
You know how...
People say one thing and then do another?
Uh-huh.
You're gonna love this.
All right.
I was just thinking to myself,
keep in mind I've been single for a very long time,
But I was thinking, sometimes people...
Okay, let's say I'm not me.
Okay.
Let's say I'm someone named Ted.
Okay.
Hi, I'm Ted.
So, here's what I'm thinking.
I'm in a relationship with Rosie.
Rosie and Ted.
Hi, I'm Rosie.
Hey, Rosie.
Hey.
Rosie cheated on me.
Why would I do such a thing?
Because she met me, Jeff.
I don't know why she did it.
And it's hard for me to trust that she won't hurt me again.
But wait a minute.
Now we have a solution.
This also works for other things.
Okay.
Just so you know, but we're starting with cheating.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's good.
Yeah.
It's an app where you put in, like, let's say you cheated on me with some guy named Fred.
Oh.
Oh, Jeff.
Jeff.
Jeffred.
I, as your spouse, I'm going to take your phone and I'm going to put his number in into the location finder.
I mean, I don't know where he is, but the phone knows.
Okay.
And basically what it is, is it tells me if Rosie was too close to Jeff.
You know?
is this after you figured out that she's cheating or if you're suspicious that she's cheating
i guess it could be both but i was thinking you made a mistake and you came clean
okay but i still don't want to rely on trust inspect what you expect so this is just
inspect what you expect.
Very good.
So this is just
a geolocation app?
Yes.
But you have somebody else's location as well.
It communicates to a third party.
So also, let's say Rosie's a gambling addict.
It will tell me if she's close to the casino.
Yeah, if she was in it.
I'd be like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
um how in what world would jeff be okay with giving his location to you
so that you could know when she's close to jeff jeff owes me one he slept with your wife after all
yeah also he doesn't have to i don't it's not going to tell me where he is it's going to tell
me that my person was close to him i know but that wouldn't that implies some kind of
geolocation tagging on Jeff as well.
I don't think it does.
I think that it does.
It doesn't necessarily does.
No, it's just like ear tags.
Yeah, that...
That is geolocation.
Yeah, that's geolocation tagging.
So you've got to have something on Jeff to know where Jeff is.
If he doesn't approve it, then I'll know something's still going on.
So, Rosie, you're going to have to convince Jeff.
All right, let's do a little role play here.
Who am I?
You're Ted.
Okay.
I'm Jeff.
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
Hold on.
Sorry about that.
I was just thinking of something painful.
Oh, you mean that time I slept with your wife?
No.
Okay, cool.
Jeff, you're cool.
Obviously, you're cool.
Damn right I'm cool.
Rosie picked you.
Yeah.
So I know you're cool.
She ain't the only one.
Lots of ladies pick me.
I would too, Jeff.
Oh.
Alright, well.
I gotta say I'm intrigued.
You're saying you're interested?
I'm saying if things don't work out with Rosie.
Well, they won't.
She's in love with me.
That's what I was here to talk to you about.
Okay.
Would you be okay if I...
knew where you were at all times?
Just so I knew where Rosie was, too.
Well, just follow Rosie.
Then you'll know where I am.
Well, I want to follow her...
She's near me.
On the phone.
You want to follow her on the phone?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, I just need to know where you are.
But...
It's easy.
I'll be at the casino with Rosie.
Well, that sounds like a yes.
Problem solved, man.
Yeah.
Up here, Jeff.
High five, brother.
Rough hands.
Yeah.
Feel it.
But what Jeff didn't know is that Ted's hand was laced with a geolocation tracking goo.
And now Ted can see where Jeff is at all times.
Until he washes his hands.
I don't wash my hands, real men.
Absorb the germs.
Germs.
We don't even know what they're called.
Oh my god, germs.
Oh my god.
Do you like my denim?
I call them germs.
Germs.
Burns germs.
Well, look, I'm a real man.
I don't like no modern technology.
I like being forthright and honest.
Probably why Rose loves me so much.
God, kiss me, Jeff.
Ted, Ted, there will be a time for that someday.
Okay.
Today is not that day.
Until that day.
Put them back on, Ted.
All right, Jeff.
Ted, you send that sweet wife of yours over to me.
Of course.
We got a lot of blackjack to play.
Hmm.
Well, he was okay with it.
Yeah, and if he was angry, we would have known.
Jeff doesn't get angry.
Jeff's too cool of a cucumber to get angry.
You know, after hearing the logic that you described, maybe this is better for locations.
For, like, casinos.
Because you can set an alert for a casino.
The casino's not going anywhere.
So you're not violating anybody's privacy.
There's no HIPAA here.
So this is really just following someone on maps.
HIPAA?
Oh, God, I can't believe I just said it.
No.
Okay.
So this...
This seems...
Because it's a privacy thing with other people.
I don't care if I'm not doing anything wrong.
I wouldn't want someone following my location.
especially somebody who i've wronged like it feels very much like hey wait no let's just find
out where jeff is so we can murder jeff hey you want a massage jeff no no i need to clarify
we don't have access to his actual location we only know if the person that we're with
was next to them then we know his location we don't know at what point though it'll just be like
boop that means oh boop they're right next to each other right now and then i can see where rosie is
so that's where jeff is
i see it now okay yeah again i think this is just following someone on google maps
i can pull up google right maps right now and it will show that you're next to me
you're busy you're at work you don't have time you want your phone to go
Rosie is at
Hera's.
What if she's
only addicted to a certain kind
of gambling? Like she doesn't care about
slots at all. She's only into
craps. Backgammon.
Yeah, just backgammon. Could you
find out? Because if she's
near a whole bunch of slot machines, you don't want that
unnecessary worry.
Slot machines are
a gateway gamble.
But she has no interest in them.
but it's like me with weed it's like i have no interest in weed so that saying that's a gateway
drug is like yeah maybe for other people but if i'm never gonna have it then it's not for me
but give me that heroin sweet sweet heroin yeah
heroin was your gateway to weed yeah that's the thing that makes you want to eat yeah
uh i know we're doing this weekend meth that's not a gateway to anything
math um so this didn't maybe like maybe i could sweeten it with a new feature
um if you're near oh you know what we could do you know my date rate idea i do know that
well it also has a i forgot to mention this before a hotness rating oh you should have
mention that yeah so i was thinking we can connect these two apps so it's like maybe we know when our
people are in a throng of hotties you know why are you around so many hot people what are you doing
uh how is this being rated like who's doing the rating on the hotness the people who were on dates
this was before but this is also but the hotness is very subjective that's why we get an average
score.
Okay.
Again,
we're going to need a lot of data for that.
Well,
that's a reopen date rate.
Is that invention of the week I just thought we could use it to also heighten So wouldn it be more concerning if they were just with the one hottie If you surrounded by hotties
Surrounded by hotties.
That's fine.
You could be at any given place.
Yeah.
You're recording a podcast with your two friends.
Oh, we are hot.
Yeah.
Guys, we're such a good throng.
We really are.
Throng.
Yeah.
Okay, well...
I did what I could do.
I still think there's benefit to it.
Well, I mean, there definitely is benefit to it
because people are using it now.
It's being done.
It's Sam's Club all over.
People are tracking locations.
What about this?
Businesses do this too, by the way.
Did you know that they can geolocate you on your phone?
So if you're in a mall and you walk by a Victoria's Secret
and then suddenly you get some kind of a notification
that like, hey, 15%
off Victoria's Secret right now.
And then you're like, whoa, this is great.
I'm right by a Victoria's Secret.
Your bank does it too.
Banks track your location by where you spend things.
Yeah.
So we're already
being screwed.
Yeah. So this would be great if you were cheating on your bank.
That would be so funny.
Arizona First Financial, don't let them know I'm here.
No.
okay what about this quick piv okay love a quick piv quick piv um qp um what you know how they have
those like dexcom diabetic ports they go on your skin oh yeah or like other patches uh-huh
what if instead of an app it was a patch that is connected via bluetooth to your phone like an air
tag? No.
No.
You're trying to chip us all, Francis?
No, hear me out. You'll love this.
We're like dogs.
I love my dog.
And you always know if she's
cheating on you. I do.
Anyway,
let's say I'm on my phone and I get
a notification that says, uh-oh, your partner's
aroused
because
the patch picked
up on her or his
chemistry changing and i'd be like it's 12 30 p.m on a work day why is rosie aroused oh my god
she's with jeff first of all just my boss okay i have to be around him at work second of all
you know how i feel about powerpoint presentations okay i love a good powerpoint presentation they
turn me on so what am i supposed to not work now ted well normally your arousal crests after
only 35 seconds, but it's been at the peak for two and a half minutes. Yeah, yeah, that's because
we were trying to sell the Gunderson account. And we did, okay? We did. We sold it, by the way.
You're welcome for the commission. You know I read the newspaper, and anyone who knows anything
knows the Gunderson account was closed two months ago. Yeah, in theory it was closed,
but there was a lot of I-dotting and T-crossing that needed to happen. And I dotted and I-T'd,
Okay?
Hmm.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Yeah.
What do you see about my arousal levels now, Ted?
Well, right now, let me check my phone.
They're in the tank.
Wait a minute.
Because you don't trust me.
No.
My phone says you're aroused now.
You like fighting with me.
I knew it.
Also, it's because I rode over here piggyback on Jeff's back.
This is Jeff underneath me.
Well, this is clearly going to work for couples everywhere.
It's going to save a lot of relationships.
I agree.
No one will ever break up again.
Do we have a name for this?
Caught you.
Caught you?
Caught you or fake trust.
or
love prison
these all sound great
it's all inspiring
a lot of confidence
let me make a few quick amendments
you'll be mine forever whether you like it or not
that's the name
oh I was going to say slogan
no it's the full name
Jeff's Folly.
I like that.
Or here's a nice simple one.
The Gunderson account.
Ooh, it's clean because you could actually put it on someone's phone secretly
and they wouldn't know about it and it would just look like a file.
I did that on my computer at home just so you know.
Back in the day when I had whatever certain materials I was collecting.
That sounds bad.
You know what I mean.
Yes.
You had hidden tax files that you didn't want people to find.
I called it like a something profile, like whatever portfolio.
Yeah, that's good.
All right.
Well, just be honest.
Yes or no?
I mean, again, because this is something that already exists in the world,
I'd say yes, this will work because it does.
okay but just so you know a lot of good inventions just take existing technology and
put them to more focused use yeah you will sell a lot of people because it's like
i don't trust you i'm gonna follow you the real key will come is if you can do it without the
other person knowing that this is happening like google maps like will like let you know like once
a month like by the way you're sharing your location with these people like oh yeah i get
that all the time.
Yeah.
If we're going with
the patch idea,
I feel like the name
should be Wife Alert.
Yep.
Oh, Joe strikes again.
Get the span of raise.
Done.
We did it.
I make $2 an hour.
Just kidding.
Don't spend it in all.
Just kidding.
He doesn't even make that.
He's paid him vacations.
That's right.
We all are.
If you're not careful, you'll be paid massages.
I hope that comes through as me punching my own fist.
I was just thinking that.
We're going to massage you out of the best friends game.
Okay.
Wife alert.
Yeah, you will get a lot of people using it.
I think this will destroy more marriages than it will help.
sometimes the threat of being caught
is enough to change
one's behavior
that's basically our prison system
yeah
and we have the most crowded prisons in the world
um
okay
stricter laws looser punishments
vote for me
uh
all right well
what did i say stricter laws
i meant looser laws
just move on
it's too late I already voted for you
no you overstimulate me
you're going oh my god you're going back on your policies
because you're going to do the opposite just like what you said
you know how people do the opposite of what they say they're going to do
hypocrites
yeah
hypocrites
I can't believe I said it
it's very funny
did you say that she overstimulated you
yes
that's why he got it wrong
Francis needs to be
he needs to go sit in his calm corner
for a minute and then he'll be fine
give me my cap
my stimulants cap
okay well that
wraps up the invention
of the week
well
Well, let's have our next segment.
It's a little segment called
There Will Be Signs.
How will you know when we've made it big, listeners?
Oh, there will be signs.
Francis, you're our resident lottery expert.
Why don't you explain this segment?
Oh, thank you for acknowledging that.
I don't think the audience has had a chance to know that.
Oh, you are an expert at this point.
You have your 10,000 hours.
Oh, I'm ready.
The next one's going to win.
Anyway, so this segment is called There Will Be Signs.
And what Jenna and I will be doing is discussing what things we would be doing if we had won the lottery.
That we wouldn't be telling people we won, but we'd be engaging in certain behaviors where maybe they would suspect.
There would be signs.
Yes.
they're gonna notice things things are gonna be a little different around here
yeah i like that you said that thanks um well
i would say
one thing for sure every bathroom every public bathroom on earth
on earth on earth just in case because i need to be prepared just in case i ever go to a bathroom
in a new place okay just two places that i already go i'm will no longer have a push button lock
that little kind that you don't know if the door is really locked it'll have a clear demonstrable
slide block that it's like you have 100 confidence no one's getting in that door
all the all the doors in all the worlds i will have that button replaced
because I hate that little button that barely moves at all.
And then you're like, I don't know if someone can still get in.
It doesn't feel like it locked.
Well, now you'll know because I'm rich.
No, like the one, the little button next to the door.
No, the one that it's like literally just a button that you push in.
And it makes a tiny pathetic noise.
And it barely moves at all.
And so you don't know if it actually.
Oh, yeah.
Kind of like the one in our room when we first got here.
in this undisclosed location.
In the Serengeti?
Yep.
In Antarctica.
The Serengeti in Antarctica.
Of Detroit.
Mm-hmm.
Near Dollywood.
Right next to...
Canada.
And the Philippines.
Okay, stop.
They're giving it away.
Oh, my God.
We just geolocated.
We just wife alerted ourselves.
Our listeners know where we are.
Oh.
and that were aroused.
No, no.
I'm not sorry.
Well, they know that.
We constantly are.
So, yeah.
So all of those locks will be changed.
So if you are suddenly like,
you're like, you know,
I haven't seen one of those in years.
Maybe that was me.
I think I have a better idea for you.
Oh, okay.
You know those old fashioned like kingly carriages
where like the king would get in
and like four people would carry it around?
Oh, yeah.
what if you could just like
call them and they would show up
and you get in and it's just a big toilet
that people are
you know
how is that a better idea for me
because you don't have to worry about
that sounds terrible
no because you're fully enclosed
yeah but there are people around
they don't know who's in it
oh it just could be anybody
that called up the king
I'm assuming they're at my beck and call
it also necessitates her hiring
someone to
clean it each time.
Yeah, this is a terrible plan.
Let that be your sign.
Yeah.
That's not mine.
Also, why do they need to carry it?
Why not just say I have my own private bathroom
everywhere I go?
We have places to go.
They can help you get there.
So it also doubles as transportation?
Yeah.
Pooper.
Oh my god.
Wow.
That's a good one.
Okay, that's yours.
That is not one of my signs.
I meant your bathroom one.
No, that's just, that is the, do you know me at all, Francis?
Okay.
All right.
Okay, well, that's great.
I like what you did.
Thank you.
Here's something I would do.
I would, let's say I was going to go shopping.
I would hire someone, they wouldn't know it was me, with my exact dimensions to go and try on clothes while I watched from behind a screen.
Yes.
So I would know how I would look.
That's a good idea.
Yeah.
Because trying on clothes is the worst.
And also you can't really be objective.
You need to see what other people are seeing.
Yeah.
So you'd have a Francis doppelganger.
Yeah.
Well, we're probably at the point where I could custom have a robot that looks just like me.
I would prefer it to be a real person.
I don't know why.
I want there to be a little bit of a humiliation factor to it.
Like where it's like, no, no, no.
No, no.
You don't get to keep the clothes.
Oh, you thought this was, that you're a pretty woman?
No, no, no, no.
No.
You're going back outside.
Yeah.
You're going back to saying who, how much, and when, or what was it they say?
I say who.
I say, I say how much.
I say, I say who.
I say who.
I say how much.
who um yeah okay you like that one huh yeah that was a good one i like that one thank you
um yeah do you have another one yeah sure um i would also um
if i was rich and i didn't want people to know but there would be signs i would um
you know how diamonds catch light i do know that i would have a bunch of them crunched up
and put into walkways so that everything sparkled around me all the time but nobody would know it
was diamonds because who would do that right so like in all these like public walkways it would
just be a glittery beautiful wait so they'd be permanent there it wouldn't be like attached
to you in any way no no it would just be like it would just be inserted into like aggregate
walkways. Well then it would make everybody glitter.
You're okay with that?
After I
walked through, a digging crew would
come. So there's a crew
that... It's the same people that carry you
around when you need to go to the bathroom.
They're following you and digging up
your diamonds. It's like ten squares and like
people just pick it up and like keep putting it in front of me.
Yeah.
And
everyone would be like, that guy really sparkles
and there's nothing else weird going on.
I'm sure he's a normal dude
yep just a normal dude
yeah
um
yeah
that would be good so you always look electric like you always look well lit Yeah Or what about this What about I could hire fam I could like do a casting call for people to be my fake family
And I would have like holidays and birthdays and stuff with them.
And they would have like roles to play.
You know?
And they have like their whole backstory and character.
Yeah.
And it's just like actors.
And they had to make it feel real or no bonus.
Yeah.
They don't get paid.
Yeah.
that'd be kind of fun
yeah
where would you take
I mean would you just
have like them
have like a Thanksgiving
or would you like
go out in public
would you like
want to do like
the whole like
god we're taking the kids
to Disneyland
thing like
it's exhausting
I want the whole experience
we fight a little bit
yeah
we make up
we have dinner
we give speeches
we do
wife alert
on each other
yeah
yeah that would be fun
um
I
would
have a private plane
I'd have two private planes
get her she's rich
and one of them would just be
like a themed
bar that I would hang out in
but it wouldn't be plane themed
are you saying
it would fly or
No, I'd have it parked.
Well, maybe we could fly. That would be fun.
But it would be like a
like a rainforest cafe
but in a plane.
Careful. I know, I know.
Those are dangerous. Well, we all know.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I would do.
So, we'd just be like,
oh, you guys, you
want to just come in and get a drink in my backyard?
It would be in my backyard to do.
Yeah. I think that's what I would do.
oh what about this find people who are if someone's like a bully or they're mean
oh find someone who could outperform that whatever they do so let's say the bully was like doing it
like a recital some of the someone you hire comes up and does their exact act better than them yeah
every time they went to do something and then you also every time you go to do something you hire
someone to do it just like you would a little bit worse yeah yeah yeah or no we're after it's not
of really like they just do it again after no i can get it right this time and then i'm on the
microphone like okay um good good job nice try are they okay um i would um i would uh
you know how little birds are cute i do know that you know what would make them even cuter
smoking jackets.
If I would
set up all the little birds
in my area
with little smoking jackets.
Little birds in my area?
Birds in my area, yep.
Can they still fly with them?
Yeah, they can. I'd make sure they were
aerodynamic smoking jackets.
But if you suddenly started seeing
birds that had a little extra
domesticity to them.
They just looked like,
hey, that guy's got a house.
He looks comfortable.
That bird's got a house.
I bet it's a home.
As you know,
every person with a jacket
has a house.
That's true.
Well, a smoking jacket.
Name one person
with a smoking jacket
that doesn't have a place to live.
I can't.
Exactly.
Wow.
Your Honor,
I've proven my point.
that's it that's that's interesting because it would be whimsy for me
and fun for the birds too i think fun for everyone that saw them
what about this okay hire someone i'm a really good employer once i'm rich apparently um hire
someone so many jobs your job creator to initiate a fake mugging and i can i'm a hero now you know
I get the purse back and not I could quote unquote knock him out they run away and everyone's like wow
and I'm like it was nothing really it was nothing at any point in time do you feel like you would
feel like would the stolen valor of that get to you the you knowing that you it was all fake
that you're not really a hero no because I think there's a lot of fakeness in the world that we
are not aware of you know and so i'm just going to become part of it you're just okay with it
yeah you get to see that's how the other half lives yeah plus money changes people so i'll just
be changed okay yeah that's true and you already know i'm gonna go through mattresses like water
because you're putting your money under them uh no i'll be being on them oh an accident
Oh, peeing on them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
First of all, I said being on them.
What are you doing?
What's so wrong with you?
Yeah.
Well, how are you not going through?
It's a trust thing.
Yeah, that's true.
You have a little mattress dispenser.
It would be like a new one that comes up like a Kleenex.
And yeah, they like expand.
You know how Mr. Beast does like things for people with his money?
Yeah.
What if I did things that didn't help anyone but were interesting?
Like what if I stacked like a thousand mattresses and had someone jump off a building and saw what happened?
yeah just to see yeah yeah oh and then you could be waiting to catch them when they end up
they end up getting springboarded by the mattresses you want to see how far they fly
yeah well no but then that can be your stolen valor yeah but then i get but a thousand mattresses
is really high so once they're barreling toward me i get scared and move and yeah but no one
knows I set it up so I'm not in trouble.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's nice.
There's just a thousand mattresses here.
I guess we'll never know how it got here.
But then I'm on the news and they're like,
it looked like you were about to try and save that person.
What happened?
I was like, oh, my back.
I remembered.
I need a massage.
I volunteered an orphanage and they need me.
Yeah, I'm too invaluable.
Yeah.
I couldn't be smooshed.
Yeah, that would be good.
That would be fun to just try stuff out.
You could go to Red Lobster and free all the lobsters in the tank and let them go and give them a 30-minute head start.
And then hunt them.
Come for you, lobsters.
And they're just still out in the parking lot.
Not knowing which way to go.
One of them is looking at a map.
We're in Tulsa.
No ocean here.
This pavement's hot.
yeah
it'll just be mercy killing the lobsters
yeah although what's
the lobster like you can't like just put
them back in the ocean and then they're fine I don't
think why not I don't think so
I think it's kind of
curtains for them once you
yeah because I remember reading
somewhere like a news story that
like I think
this was on Twitter it was like some like
animal rights activists like went
to a fancy restaurant and took the
lobster tank and like put all the lobsters back in the ocean and they just died and then like a
chef responded to that being like yeah you can't just like reintroduce them they have like weird
psychology about death and because like if you have a bunch of lobster in a tank if one of the
lobsters starts to try to claw out of the tank the other lobsters will pull it back in
but how do we know if they're going down you're going down with us but how do we know if it's
that or if it's like no this could be okay you're gonna make us all look bad we might get out of
this get back down here look at all of the nice people waving at us in this aj's
oh i would have my own private grocery store sorry joe i should have laughed
earlier at that i enjoyed that that wasn't that good it was good thank you it was nice yeah
joe saying aj's made me think i would have my own private grocery store oh that's good
Because I don't mind grocery shopping.
It's not like...
It's just the people.
It's the people.
It would be nice if you could just kind of wander and look at everything yourself.
In fact, I would probably spend a lot more time in a grocery store if there was no one else there.
I spend a lot of time in...
If I go to an AJ's, I spend a lot of time in the AJ's.
Yeah.
Because they have upturned lights and I like that.
It is...
AJ's is nice.
It's just expensive.
True.
I love that idea.
Thank you.
Maybe we could put mannequins in it.
Oh.
okay like they're shopping um um yeah we could put mannequins in there so they're like mid pose
there's like one that like can't reach the top shelf and it's just always never you're never
gonna reach that top shelf yeah one of them's holding a fake gun with the cashier
and then you save the cashier and all the other mannequins are like wow good job
this is valor that was given yep
um yeah i like that idea do you have any other ideas that's actually a really really good one
thank you i wish i thought of it maybe the same concept with like an amusement park
because i love an amusement park yeah that would be good yeah i just need one person to do the rides
yeah it could be your body double he's he's like when do i get paid
You're like, guess what? We're going to an amusement park.
And he's like, finally, some fun.
I was like, no, no, no, not for you.
I'd like to thank you for all your hard work trying on those clothes.
They look great on me, don't they?
Yeah.
Yeah, private amusement park would be good.
He's in like a Fred Flintstone outfit.
He's just a barrel with straps.
Yeah.
I have enough money to keep you around, but not enough to clothe you.
No, I'm not liquid.
Sorry.
it's all wrapped up in this roller coasters
I'm sorry
a 400 million dollar amusement park
I call it doppelgangers
well I think these are good
signs
I think these are people will know
you see a bird in a smoking jacket
you see lobsters
confused in a parking lot
you see Francis in a poober
then
you'll know
you'll know that's not a bad idea it is a terrible idea that is a terrible idea i don't want to meet
the person that would do that wait wait wait wait wait hear me out okay a van a sprinter van
it's a portable toilet you need a toilet it's an app i need a toilet in four minutes i'll be there
van pulls up you get in it's a private commode there's still somebody in the front of the van
But there's a partition, you never see them.
Can it be like a limousine?
There's a button in back if you want to put the partition down.
The privacy.
I want you to watch.
Can you hold my hand?
I need a lot of fiber today.
Can you look me right in the eyes?
Come on, you wouldn't use that?
Why do you keep trying to take the plumbing out of the bathroom process?
I know.
No one's mad about an RV.
One of the greatest inventions of all time.
an rv it's like okay that adds a lot of other value that makes that part of it like okay you've
never been no one buys an rv just to go to the bathroom uh there will be signs
oh and that wraps up there will be signs
now please excuse us as we use hundred dollar bills as toilet paper
all right one final segment that is the big question the question is very big
i have a question great because i don't i was thinking
and i'm gonna try and phrase this properly because it can go one or two ways so i was
thinking like if you knew the world was about to end but like in such a way where you could still
do anything you wanted.
I don't want people to stop
working at the restaurant.
Everyone knows the world's going to end, but they all
go to their jobs.
So either nothing changes or
you're the only one who knows, but you know for sure.
Okay.
How are you going to spend your last week?
What are you going to do?
Oof.
Besides invest in pooper.
as the world's about to end.
Well, that would be a sign of the apocalypse
if I ever did invest in that.
Well, aside from the obvious is
do a lot of traveling.
A week's not a lot of time to see a lot of things.
You want more notice?
Well, no, I mean in terms of traveling.
If I knew it was...
Then you could really hit up every place on Earth
and go for like a year.
Oh, you want a year's notice?
Well, I mean, that would give you a lot of time.
Because it's like, just even the act of traveling itself, like flying to Paris or whatever, that takes time.
You're right.
It takes hours.
I mean, if I were, like, I want to go to Tokyo someday.
Me too.
Flying to Tokyo.
That's like, that's one of my days gone.
A week's not a lot of time.
You're right.
So, let's say, are we making this local?
what would you do
well it's your week so
be as local as you want
I feel like
am I getting in trouble for things
like can I get arrested
also are we assuming
infinite funds or only the funds that you currently have
available to you
I would say infinite funds
I would say money is not an object
infinite funds is more fun
it's infinite fun
there will be signs
yeah so there you go you have all the money in the world
and a week to spend it
okay
um
I'm gonna take
I would replace all of the bathroom
yeah
hey birds get over here
for personal fitting
you're going out with a bang
um
I
let's take travel off the table because that seems i would just i mean in real life i would
just travel to places i wanted to see right you just and take people with you that you wanted to
go with you and then we just go do things which travel is great but did i tell you i saw like a
meme or pick a picture of someone like posted a picture like patagonia like from their hiking trip
and they were like i can believe i saw this in real life like i did all this travel and i got here I saw it with my own eyes And then somebody commented i seeing it on my toilet yeah i know some of it yeah you can some of it probably like underwhelming in real life well
have you heard of like paris syndrome is that when you go to paris and it's not like what
yeah and people have like mental breakdowns oh it's like a it's a big thing yeah geez yeah yeah
Paris is one of those places
it's like everybody has an idea of what Paris is like
and it's all
romantic and it's all like nice
but
yeah
but there's a lot of shithole parts
of everywhere including Paris
all the really nice
places are very expensive
go figure
just like everywhere else
if only Paris would invest in the
poubelle
oh that's where we should start it yeah yeah the baddie pooper the pee pee pooper um
i would probably try and do a series of fun pranks i don't know i feel like i always come
back to my go-to is like if you could do whatever you want i'm always like i'd sneak into people's
houses i do that's why i want to know like am i gonna get arrested i would say yes because
I've already given you unlimited money.
And you're the only one who knows this is happening.
Oh, I can get arrested.
But bail is no issue.
Yeah.
So that's good.
Plus, if you got caught, you could just, you know, kill the person because in a week,
they were going to die anyway.
Yeah, that's true.
I'm doing you a favor.
Yeah.
um yeah i would want to do i don't know i'd want to do fun wacky things uh come here let me massage
you uh no i i i didn't just steal that thing to prove it i'll massage you um
yeah i don't know i i like the idea of switching stuff on people like that to me is always a fun
idea like oh i'm gonna be like maybe like one one night i'd i'd pay people to like move all the
merchandise from macy's and all the merchandise from dillard's and just switch them and see if
they noticed when the store opened or maybe change the sign at aj's to jas jas jas food finds
food finds
um
uh
I would
probably like rent
like
really nice houses or like
buy expensive cars and see if
they're worth like driving and
um I'll be back in a week
I promise
I get paid in a week
uh
I would just probably do a lot of like really fun shit with my friends for a week.
What would be like a large company or like product that you could buy like the rights to either for fun purposes or for screwing with people?
Blockbuster.
Oh, reopen Blockbuster.
Yeah.
Just for a week.
That would be so much fun.
Oh, I would do that also if there will be signs.
Yeah.
That's a good.
Oh, my God.
Your own Blockbuster.
can you imagine oh but nothing after from when i was in high school so it was exactly like me
browsing blockbuster in high school i was actually thinking about this if you bought a blockbuster
now and you like reopened it you could do have it just like blockbuster but then there was like
private theater rooms that you could rent with your friends and you could like watch movies
and get snacks and stuff it's like a blockbuster that's a movie theater yeah but like a very like
the rooms aren't very big you wouldn't have like hundreds of people in them no just like screening
rooms yeah yeah and like you rent a movie from blockbuster and it's like you know nothing's in
4k it's like all old school yeah have your snacks yeah oh yeah that'd be cool i would go i would go
for sure that would be such a money maker but why doesn't someone capitalize on blockbuster's
nostalgia value everybody wants blockbuster to come back i feel like so many people talk about
Like, oh, I hate, like, just sitting on the couch scrolling Netflix.
I spend an hour and I don't pick the name.
I don't want anything.
No.
Shut up.
Like, go to Blockbuster.
You always, it's a fun time.
Like an adult.
Yeah, go to Blockbuster.
It's a fun time.
You always find something.
You get to walk by the box for gummo a hundred times.
Yeah.
And never rent gummo.
Yeah.
I can still see that cover in my head.
You can.
Yeah, I can too.
Oh, it's there forever.
Powder was another one.
I used to see a lot of...
Oh, yeah, Powder.
Powder.
Powder and Gemmo, the big two.
I saw Powder.
I think I did, too.
And it was underwhelming for how big of a presence that box was in my life.
The movie, I...
Because he couldn't touch things, right?
Or he had to wear gloves, and he was kind of like a bubble boy.
Am I remembering that correctly?
I think he could make you feel things.
he didn't make me feel anything
you just
uh
life alert
is not going off
powder
for your last week
we'll be refilming
the film powder
in a way that makes me
feel something
we're gonna make it good
this time
powder the way it should
have been done
uh
um
yeah
good call
um
yeah what would you do
you hadn't thought this far
I would hit on
everyone
just to see how many I could get.
Oh, that's true, because then they don't know.
But then what if it's like nonstop or check?
That would be demoralizing.
No, that's fine, because I would expect that anyway.
But you'd see, hey, I'm actually getting a higher return
on my investment than I thought.
I could have been doing this the whole time.
Well, also, too, you would have the psychological confidence
of knowing it doesn't matter, the world's going to end.
So that would probably make you better at flirting
and hitting on people.
yeah and every person that said no i could be like i just want you to know that i have the
power to end the world and because you said no i'm gonna end it in a week oh have a nice life
then you're gonna die they're gonna die with you being their god they're gonna be like
i met this crazy guy and then in a week they're gonna be like holy shit
no no i'll go on a date with you come back every time i say no i'm like what if god was one of us
pointing at myself just a stranger on the poover
yeah i would do that i would um i would probably go to like my favorite restaurants
yeah have like some nice meals yeah a whole bunch of nice meals i and my yeah you'd want
your friends with you the whole time until you didn't want them with you right and then
like we have certain friends that it's like you're you're getting small doses
but yeah so it would be selective but you'd have exactly the people that you wanted to have around
you yeah exactly yeah whenever you wanted to have them around you and you just do fun stuff
yeah and you have so much money the people that you want small doses when you're about to get
tired then be like hey you really like this niche thing right why don't you go do that
Why don't you go do that?
On me.
Yep.
Here.
It's like, yeah.
Go see a Star Wars.
Yeah.
What a fun week that would be.
Yeah.
Good for us.
All right.
Time to die.
And then right at the end of the week, I would go get on one of those passenger rockets.
You know, we're going to the moon or whatever.
Or we're going to space station.
I would just get on it.
kind of like when Cal gets on the boat in Titanic.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that would go up, the Earth would end,
and then I would come back down.
So what?
Well, it depends on how it ended.
Then we have a fun post-apocalyptic life.
Yeah, which could be great.
Could be good.
Anytime we're done, you know, we can massage ourselves.
Although, you're going to be stuck.
It's just going to be you and Katy Perry.
She's not coming.
Well, she's going to be on that little rocket with you.
I will kick her out.
Good.
Please do.
And I'll give you guys first dibs if you want to come.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
I'm not going if Katie's going
Katie's not going
Okay
That's how I feel
What a fun week that's going to be
I hope it happens soon
I hope the weather's good that week
Oh I know that would be such a bummer
It's like please give us a week
Before you start raining fire from the sky
Can we just have this please
We come back down from the rocket
Like dinosaurs are back
They were like we were here the whole time
hibernation
well
there it is
that wraps up
the big question
well
there's only time
for one
final thing
did you look
I didn't look
I deliberately
I saw what you did
and I deliberately
kept my eyes
on your eyes
because Francis
just held up
his index card
with his words on it
he's beautiful
and he's not smart
um
hot dog
that's why we keep him around
he's hot
he's dumb um the thing we need to do is guess secret words we let me go first because i
only one word jumped out at me okay i actually don't have very good words actually i have two
now i'm trying to i'm trying to go back and and think about did you say your secret word i did
oh well that doesn't bode well for me i said it how's it bode now not well
Still, because I don't have any good guesses, really.
Oh, I thought you...
I did write a couple down.
Okay, you want me to go?
Yeah, you go.
The one word I wrote down is master.
Nope.
I didn't know when I said it.
You're talking about you've got your 10,000 hours?
Oh.
You're a master.
Oh.
What we played back, she never said master.
Maybe it was implied.
Or you said it first.
What was your single word implied?
I'm a master and you've got your 10,000 hours.
Here's my other one.
Humiliation.
No.
Oh, did I say that about the guy trying on your clothes?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
I just really wanted you to humiliate another human being.
I've done it.
All right.
So that's the two words that jumped out at me.
So I didn't say your word, but I also didn't say your decoy word.
You did not.
When did you say your word?
I said it in the invention of the week.
Okay.
You want to know what it is?
Yeah, I do.
Don't take this personally because I do actually mean what I say.
But you bring a certain artistry to the invention of the week.
It doesn't look like work when you do it.
Artistry.
Oh, you cloaked me in compliments.
Yep.
I got you.
Damn.
Your wife alert was going off.
My patch was patching.
Yeah.
You didn't even notice.
What was your decoy?
domesticity joe actually laughed when i said it i literally forgot to write that one down i'm so
glad because i probably would have said it as your word yeah yeah because it was it was i liked it
because it was like the way that i said it was like just awkward enough to be noticeable
dang it i wish you had written it down damn you francis why don't you pay more attention
damn me to the space station um when did you say your word
I don't remember the exact specifics
but as she guesses I will prove to you that I said it
well I don't have any good guesses for you
is your secret word genia
your own personal plural for genius
is your secret word poober
I'm going now
no and no
is your i would guess for your decoy word what is it is it hippa no but that was i that was very
funny like why did i say it yeah it was so weird that you said it but and then i repeated it because
it was so weird i was like no why did i do that my word if you're ready i'm ready miss jackson
is overstimulate.
That was not your word.
What?
It was?
Overestimate.
That's why I said,
did you say,
that's why I was like,
did you say that Jenna overstimulated you?
Because I thought,
maybe you meant to say.
What if you wrote it down wrong?
No, it was overestimate, 100%.
Yay.
so you don't even get a point for saying your word
Jenna's putting her hands up
oh you can hear me pumping my fists
yeah listeners yeah
I'm making ground by proxy
Francis and I's wife alerts are going off the charts right now
neither one of you trust the other one
my patch is filling with rage
damn
there's no way to really know
uh well we have to go by our producer we do there's no history on that that's why he's here
there's no history on it but also i i always show you the word and then i put it on my lap
and then i double check it as i'm writing it so odds are that it's overestimate okay i accept
i accept okay i'm gonna go in my room and massage myself
Well, no one guessed anyone's word, so the net result, I think, is just plus one for Jenna.
Yes.
So Jenna's up, but not by a lot.
Yeah.
But that's okay.
I'll take my gains however I can get them.
What was your decoy word?
Overestimate.
No, it was amendments.
When did you say amendments?
During invention of the week.
I'm going to make a few amendments to this.
Oh.
Wow.
I can't believe I bungled it.
Hey, I've done that before.
You're in good company.
I know.
You're still all invited to my spaceship.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Well, this has been a vacation episode of Very Fine Friends.
Bye.
My bad.
I was going to say bonus.
Bonus.
Bye.
Bonus.
Genius.
Uber.
We'll be right back.