um we had plumbers at our house this morning um they were like checking our pipes we have old pipes
i've seen this video go on uh but one of the things they were doing was a smoke test to see
if there's like holes in the pipes anywhere that like you can't see.
So they basically just blow smoke through the pipes.
And then if it escapes anywhere in your house, you know, you have some, uh, you have, you
have some holes in your pipes.
So he's doing the smoke test.
And then all of a sudden there's just like massive amounts of smoke coming out of our
dishwasher.
and like a little bit like on the other side of the dishwasher is um uh the bathtub and a bathroom
not they're not both in the kitchen just to clarify this yeah this isn't a willy wonka's
situation yeah no even though i do like bathing in the kitchen like it's like a baby uh that's not
what it is about uh so it was just kind of funny uh so on the other side so he the plumber was
basically saying like oh the smoke must be it must be like on the bathtub side of things but it was
just really funny to see like the my dishwasher looked like a a cartoon angry person just like
all of a sudden steam's coming out like smoke's coming out of it that's one way to look at it
maybe your dishwasher was making brisket hmm yeah and all your dishes now will taste like barbecue
I haven't tried.
Oh, I just emptied it yesterday, too.
What a waste.
I made brisket in an empty dishwasher.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Oh.
Well.
I was going to ask what kind of smoke.
Like, if they were just, like, huffing on a cigar and blowing it through a pipe.
Yeah.
Let me know if you see this anywhere in the house.
All right, doll.
Let me know if you see this in the house anywhere.
Trust me, this is real.
No, I'm allowed to do this.
Well, that is interesting.
I didn't know that was a thing.
I am.
It was just comical looking, too.
It was just like, all right, well, we're just going to wait and see if there's smoke coming out.
And then it's just like, out of the dishwasher?
It was just funny looking.
Anyway.
Not every plumber can do that, so.
I know.
Paid extra for it.
Welcome to Very Fine Friends.
Podcasts where friends talk about stuff.
Sometimes boring stuff.
Like plumbing.
Plumbing isn't boring.
Can you imagine if we had to poop in a chamber pot still?
dude i have to say indoor plumbing 10 out of 10 would recommend top five top five maybe top because
like when people talk about like wanting to go back in history or like see things i'm like
don't send me anywhere without indoor plumbing when when did that become
when did that become the norm indoor plumbing 1872 okay that's what i thought i actually would
have said 73 common misconception i know i'm i am an idiot 73 was the year of the urinal
ah yes the urinal they called it they did the year and all of the year and all
big fear for puns as well yep and polio
pun polio um yeah oh yeah it's hard like hardcore indoor plumbing i
i uh would recommend polio would probably not recommend i don't know i've never had it though
what if you had to have polio to get indoor plumbing worth it you know mitch mcconnell had polio
i believe that yeah he he's old enough that he had polio well let's just say it happened you got
it because you made the deal yeah i would just stay on the toilet my chair would be my toilet
and be like i'm living on this it'd be like you're their pooper
okay speaking of kind of this there's a king that as my social studies teacher told me about
that was so fat and like ate constantly.
How fat was he?
Anyway, he would eat constantly.
He would eat so much that he had a special chair made
that had a hole in it
so he could eat and crap at the same time.
Ugh, gross.
He was a king.
No one could say it was gross.
That's not allowed when you're a king.
Okay, well, it is.
Just some peasant in the audience.
Gross!
Yeah.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
And right before we die, we add up all the points.
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is construed.
Jenna's decoy word is hierarchy.
Francis's secret word is materialistic.
Francis' decoy word is rambunctious.
Back to the pod.
Francis, you're the king of inventions.
It's time for the invention of the week.
Inventions.
Everyone hear me now.
Got a good one for you.
Okay.
Are you in the mood for a good one?
You know I am.
Well, prepare to have your socks blown off.
You know I will.
You know how driving makes you tired?
I do know that.
You know how sometimes you have a long drive?
I know that too, baby.
And you're scared of falling asleep because of the repercussions?
the social repercussions
society looks down on sleep drivers i know that it's not our fault
we're misunderstood people you can't help physiology
well i got a great invention this week great you know that when i was 16 i fell asleep behind the
Will and I hit a bunch of road signs.
I told you this.
You did and I forgot.
Yeah.
You know what I wish I'd had then?
This invention.
Coffee?
Coffee doesn't keep me awake.
Okay.
I could drink a whole pot and go right to bed.
Okay.
Here's the invention.
It's a device that you have in your car
that looks, that has like a camera that looks at your face.
And when you start to nod off, it goes,
and the idea is to keep you awake and drivers awake.
And here's the thing.
It doesn't just make one noise because a real sleeper knows
that you get used to hearing certain things.
So it cycles through new sounds.
What are some of the other sounds?
Here's another one.
I do this to myself.
It also simulates slapping sounds like you're hitting yourself.
And then you're just more of the same, you know.
Daddy, wake up.
There's a baby in the road.
Stuff like that.
you laugh but
there's a lot of drivers that get tired
especially driving semis
this would be great yeah
and it could just do really annoying noises
yeah
well that's a bad example
because I love that sound
yeah that's a great noise
right to sleep
well
there's a big problem with
is that one of the noises?
I muted.
Oh, sorry.
I just called out your loud drinking.
You did.
You had muted.
I did.
Sorry, Francis.
I was trying to be a good person.
Fuck me, right?
Yep.
There's a big problem with speed, meth,
what have you in the truck driving community.
Oh, we can cut down on that.
As a way to stay awake.
I'm sure they're all just doing it for utilitarian purposes
and not because they enjoy it
they gotta get us our packages
I originally thought you were gearing this towards
getting them to not use those substances
and so I thought you were going to say that there's a recording that's like
don't do meth
hey it's not good for you
you like your teeth don't ya
you don't want me a pariah do ya
um so
you're already a sleep driver
community doesn't like you
um
okay how does it know that you're falling asleep
and how does it distinguish and like how quickly
is it activated because I don't want to just have a long
blink
this thing yelling no it's well it's
the technology's already there because like cars use
cars use um
technology to
like if you take your eyes
off the road it knows
and say like new cars will like oh really yeah new cars will do that like if it sees you like
like say you're like on cruise control but then you're like texting you're not looking at the road
it'll like start to beep annoyingly until you look back well i don't like that that it's looking at us
i think the tesla autopilot does that too when you have it on autopilot like you can't just be
looking at your phone you have to be like still looking at the road see and have your hands on
the wheel thank you for caraba reading um so okay so cars are already invading our privacy like this
Oh, you have no idea what cars are doing.
When you connect a Bluetooth in your car, you basically are agreeing that all the information that can be seen on your phone,
like your text messages, calls that you've sent, you've given permission for your car company to have that information.
It's crazy.
Also, as far as phones, part of the data that they harvest already is literally attracts your eyeballs via your camera.
like you can tell what you're looking at and for like how long it's nuts yeah
big brother if you're listening and i know you are just stop please okay thank you i don't like
hearing about any of this i know it's uncomfortable right yeah i'm not a fan now if it's a system that
you opt into like this car thing.
Well, this doesn't transmit anything anywhere.
This isn't about.
So it's all local.
It's all local.
It doesn't go anywhere.
It's not giving it to the police or anything.
It's just, hey, I have a problem.
I bought this device.
I don't want to fall asleep.
So to answer your question, it sees, it is looking at you and it uses, you know, existing
technology to determine if you're like it's not gonna do a long blink you know okay but a long
blink is kind of curious sometimes i just like to wet my eyes just while you're driving one two
three four also head movements yeah that that's how i dance sometimes i'm not sleepy but i just
like to be risky.
Well, I like, yeah.
This product won't let you be risky.
This is how I feel alive.
Now, what if
you still sleep right through the
noises? Does it have any further
way of waking you up? Yeah, it can set off
as a last resort.
You know those
like super loud alarms where it's
like jewelry-heist alarms?
Or it's like piercing?
I can't even do an impression of it
seems like you can
I don't know if that was good
that will wake you up
well the cops are on their way
if you don't wake up to that
you're a narcolepte
what if it
shot water
out
at your face to help wake you
what if it activates your taco
teats and the taco
teats shoot fire sauce at you to wake you up what if it shot you
what if it called your boss on speakerphone and send every photo in your album to them
yeah what if what if the first model won't do any of that oh okay this is about saving lives
well wait no i but i'm shooting fire sauce out of your taco teats or even just water from the
device into your face why are you being so rambunctious what i thought you would like this
edition that seems right up your alley i like it i'm trying to save lives this would say i'm not
I'm not looking at it like a flower that a clown wears that sprays water at you.
I'm saying if the sound doesn't wake you up, then you need something additional.
I'm trying to save even more lives than you, Francis, by shooting water in people's face.
Oh, okay.
What is going on?
No, no, no, no, no.
You're right.
I just...
You got to fill it with water.
Oh my god!
I like what you did with it.
I am shocked that you weren't immediately all over this.
Well, it just makes it so much more complicated to produce.
Why is this the first invention ever that you've thought about the practicality of production?
for i grown as an innovator we decided shark toes gonna be single use only so we made them ice so that they would melt before anyone else could use them That was an acceptable pick to you
But no, having to fill your thing with a little bit of water is too much.
It's just not practical.
Okay.
I see what you mean.
You're right.
When you're right, you're right.
Okay.
I still feel like you're just reluctantly saying I'm right.
No, no, no.
I believe it.
Okay.
I just don't want to be...
I think it's because I don't want to be squirted with water.
Well, then wake up with the noise.
You're right.
Either way, like, if you don't...
If you don't, then...
You're dead anyway.
Yeah.
Or, I mean, or if you don't, then, like, wouldn't you be happy that someone squirted water in your face to wake you up?
I was just thinking, what if you had died?
And this thing is squirting you in the face after your death?
Hmm?
Or, yeah.
Now you're dead and you're wet.
You're dead and you're wet.
You're dead and you're like, wet.
And all you can hear is,
That's how the medical examiner knows how to find your body.
It could say your name, too.
Imagine I'm falling asleep.
I'm going to go down the machine and just like,
Francis!
That would wake me up.
Who is talking to me?
I'm trying to sleep.
Can you record your own?
Yeah.
Okay.
But there's some, it comes preloaded.
Yeah, it definitely comes preloaded.
But you can record some like a greeting card too.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Can you get this as a gift for someone else
and then you preload a bunch on there for them?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Like it's an aura picture frame or something?
Yeah.
Yeah, but what if you,
so an enemy did it to someone
and they recorded,
go to sleep.
Yeah.
that's like a felony yeah then it's then if someone just kills you via asmr like
they like instead make it like the sounds of cooking or like a fireplace crackling or
yeah that's that would be diabolical that would be a great remote murder because it's like officer
What are you talking about?
I was in Thailand when this person died.
How could I have murdered them?
Why was your first thought Thailand?
Huh?
I'm trying to think about some places.
Places you would go?
No.
I'm trying to think about some place on the other end of the world,
the other side of the earth.
Where they just happen to have ladyboys.
Yes, you got me.
Yeah.
Okay, just be honest.
She needs an alibi.
Doesn't she?
Francis.
Yeah.
This is me just to you, not to the listeners.
Okay.
I wasn't ready to tell them about my love of ladyboys.
I hate me to shame you.
Do you feel shamed?
No, I just feel like you outed me a little bit early there.
Do you want me to say I was lying?
If you could do that, that would be really great.
I don't want the listeners...
I wanted this to be a slow rollout of my ladyboy love.
I understand.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
And we're back.
Jenna loves ladyboys.
God damn it.
Francis, can I see you to the side for a second, please?
No. Okay.
Francis, what the hell?
I don't know what happened.
What? What was that all about?
I panicked. Some water hit me in the face and I freaked out.
Oh.
Some genius squirted you with water?
At least I'm awake.
Yeah, exactly. You're awake.
You forgive me?
I forgive you. Just don't say anything about the ladyboys anymore.
I'm not going to.
Okay.
And we're back.
all right good job francis i'm okay you're good yeah and the invention was good too
i do think this invention would sell because it seems yeah as long as that
nodding off technology could really detect it seems like a simple like elegant solution
i almost worried to look up whether or not this exists because it's so good right because it's
good it's good and i like that it's local it's not feeding data anywhere big brother you hear
that get get your filthy mitts off of it get your hands off our data and our lady boys
francis uh so what do we have a name for this yeah okay sleep away sleep away sleep not
is it like slipknot the band wake up idiot i like that
snazz it's like snooze but because in the word snooze there's the word no
and we're saying no snoozing oh i guess my word is yes snoozing joe what do you got
could it just be could this name just be a sound effect so like people go to like
like i'm assuming they sell these in like car washes and gas stations too
uh like they just go to the counter like yes excuse me do you have any
you have to be able to spell it on a patent application how would you spell that
R-E-E-E-E-H
There you go.
Patent office.
We're on our way.
The sleeper beeper.
Sleeper beeper.
I like that.
That's good.
But also, I like that.
And it doesn't sound too much like they're paging you to come sleep.
Come on, come have a sleep.
you're needed at sleep
okay well
I also like wake up idiot
something clean and elegant about it
definitely spell that out on a patent form
you sure can
with punctuation
and there's no
there's no misconstruing it either
it's
yeah it's properly construed
with wake up idiot especially if you have an exclamation point
at the end
two exclamation points and a little mouth and a face on the bottom like that
where it's got an angry mouth angry mouth that's how i feel sometimes
angry mouth okay um all right well the sleeper beeper
look for it at
all car
places where you get car accessories.
.com. Places where you get
car accessories.com. Yes.
Well, good job, Francis.
Good job with the invention of the week and good job to me
for adding that life-saving water squirting.
Really good job.
And really good job
for having you come around
to my idea.
And production
it won't be
it'll be easy
it'll be feasible
I promise
it's like a water gun
you just have to fill it up
like a little bit
oh like
now it makes sense
yeah
sorry I don't know what happened
okay good
okay
uh
alright well that
wraps up
the invention
of the week
with teak
and a beak
on fleek
you did accidentally
start to say that
it
something about rhyming
didn't you
no you said that that rhymes up and then you fixed it no i didn't no you just you just had
a weird rhyming stroke no yeah listen back okay um
yeah okay speaking of listen back remind me to tell you something off pod when we're done
listen back okay that was really good for the listeners to hear
i want them to feel left out of what they're not knowing about what this reminded them like what
it reminded me of and how they're not gonna know what it is hey listeners if you're listening
and i know you are remind me to tell you something off pod it's that i love you
Hey, listeners.
Wow.
Yeah.
Hey, listeners.
Well, it's time for our next segment, Eating John Malkovich.
Oh, do join us for dinner, won't you?
we were just about to have some leftover John Malkovich.
Francis, would you like to explain this one?
Yeah.
I just realized we probably should have discussed this a little bit more.
Okay, so eating John Malkovich is...
Jenna and I are two brand new cannibals.
Brand new.
Brand spanking new.
And we've never consumed a human before,
and we just got our first one.
and it's us trying to figure out
what do we do?
How do we do this?
Okay.
Alright.
Is he still alive?
Kick him.
He didn't move.
But he's a really good actor.
Okay.
He's really good.
What if he's just pretending?
Let me put the sleeper beeper in front of him.
Oh, the water's spraying everywhere.
It's not stopping.
He didn't flinch.
He's making noises.
He's dead.
Okay.
All right.
Well, step one.
Step one, done.
Okay.
We have a dead person.
Thank goodness.
And it's a man, which I feel good about.
I'm not ready to kill a woman.
That's nice of you.
Yeah.
Although, again, he's such a good actor.
He could play a woman, and you'd be totally convinced.
Okay.
Well, okay.
If he ever plays a woman and dies, I'll eat her.
Okay.
All right.
I appreciate that.
Womankind appreciates that.
Yeah.
No, I'm cool.
I think the first thing we should do is get him on ice.
Ooh, won't that make him?
Why does he don't want him to rot?
Well, I thought we were going to get right to it.
I like fresh meat.
Well, yeah, we are.
We are.
But it's hot out here.
it's 85 degrees and 98% humidity because we're in Florida.
Yeah.
Well, it's, I know, which 98% humidity.
It's like, at that point in time, isn't that just water?
What are we doing here?
Right.
Florida, get your act together.
We'll write a letter to the governor when we're done with this fine meal.
Okay.
Um, I think we should just take a bite.
Oh, just raw to see how.
Just to see.
Right, because you need to know, you can't know how to flavor unless you know what the base flavor is.
Yeah, and the base flavor could be good.
This could be like a tuna tartare situation.
I don't want to add a bunch of salt if he's a real sweaty gentleman.
Yeah.
All right.
I'll do it.
Okay.
Wait, we'll go first.
We'll both go at the same time.
I'll take a little nibble out of his right arm and you take a nibble out of his left arm.
Okay.
Oh, wait.
I was just thinking we should send his blood off for a drug test and a disease test.
No, no, no.
Hey, I'm one step ahead of you.
You did it?
I did it already.
Oh.
He's squeaky clean.
Well, how lucky is that?
I know.
No.
Well, it's not lucky.
John took care of himself.
Right up to the end.
We ruined all of that.
We killed him.
He was going to live another 30 years easy.
Oh, no.
I want to taste him now.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not waiting.
You can be gross in 30 years.
A new drug could have come out that could have ruined his flavor.
Yeah.
So, anyway, he's clean.
We don't have to worry about that.
Okay, let's take the bite.
Wait.
What?
Hey, Jenna.
Yeah?
Do you ever miss chicken?
Mmm.
Well, I gotta be honest with you.
If chickens didn't become extinct, I'm not sure I'd be doing this.
And he could taste like chicken for all we know.
That would be amazing I miss chicken so much.
Okay, well, here's hoping for the best.
Okay.
not good no well we should have de-haired him first no that's the fiber the hair hair the muscle
was fiber no muscles other fiber i took a class in college oh wow god you're smart it's okay um
thank you you know what we really should do what we should blood let him i don't think blood is food
okay yeah you know what and and that would be like kind of good seasoning like the base like of
you mean like i have a i have a human-sized crock pot here
oh good because i thought we were gonna have to cut him up no no no no low and slow baby low and
slow let's let's we don't need all the blood let's drain some of the blood out okay i'll put
into a couple of different containers in case we want blood broth yeah um and i think you're right
we should shave him yeah okay luckily the head's done sorry john you look great bald he's fine he
liked it he liked it it was a good look for him yeah not everyone could do that no i know he could
really pull it off it would be weird if he had hair we wouldn't be doing this i know yeah i only
eat bald people yeah yeah well starting from that well if we do this right me too yeah well here's a
Schick, why don't you start at the toes and I'll start at the clavicles.
Oh, a lady Schick.
Yeah.
Good.
I got you.
Yeah.
It'll get through.
It can handle those rough turns a little bit better.
Yeah.
Oh.
Because it's got to be, it's got to handle knees.
Yeah.
Wow.
This is coming off easy.
Oh, wow.
Oh.
Wow.
Can I tell you a little secret?
Yeah.
I doused him in nair.
I don't even know why we're shaving.
We can just wipe it right off.
Why would you do that when we just took a bite?
I didn't know we were going to start with a raw bite.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm new at this.
I am too, but now we'll never know if it's good raw.
Okay.
All right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Let's bait him.
Oh, I didn't narrow his head.
We didn't need to narrow that.
You can't eat a head.
His bone.
It was just cheeks.
We could go cheeks.
I guess we could, we could, we could, what's that word when you nibble?
Nibble.
Let's just nibble until we get to the skull.
We each get an earlobe?
unless one of us likes it more than they can have both okay yeah you know i don't want the nose
oh yeah too boogery yeah even someone like john i know even though he neti potted every day i just can get past it it like the oyster of the human I know It a textural thing for me Yeah Yeah All right Well I just going to nibble on the head
Okay.
Delicious.
I loved it.
This is amazing.
I'm so sorry that I ruined our first arm bite with nair.
I just want to be fair to you.
It was nair with cocoa butter, but.
That's fine, but it will never know.
It could have been bad too.
I'm not going to hold this against you.
It's okay.
Well, you want to have more head?
Yes.
Don't even ask.
Oh, and there's the bone.
Oh, well, well, now we know.
Wow.
It's easy to eat a human.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a John Malkovich pop?
I think you mean how many nibbles?
Because I was nibbling.
I was trying to be fun and folksy like that.
You were all commercial.
Thank you.
I was just trying to like, this is still so brand new to me.
I feel nervous.
You know, I'm nervous.
Can I tell you the truth?
Please.
I really want to get at that brain.
I think we need to clobber the skull open.
Okay.
Can I, can I be honest?
I don't want to go.
I don't want to split left and right hemisphere.
I want to go.
I want a little bit of both.
Oh, you got to taste everything.
I want his logic and I want his creative side.
I want his math.
God is math.
Oh, I wonder what his memories taste like.
well it's time to clobber
let's use one of those tiny shrimp forks
I brought two
here you go
I feel like a giant
do you think we should chill it or maybe we should heat it
the brain?
oh the fork
a chilled fork
here's two chilled ones
these ones are cold
here's a fork glove
I put it on
alright
so far raw is
good. Not bad.
Yeah. Not bad. Alright, I'm gonna
dig into speech.
Alright, cheers.
Fine motor skills.
Wow, and listen to me now.
Whoa. I'm just kidding.
Oh.
This is good. You know what this
reminds me of? Brain.
Yes. Yes.
I was going to say, I'm sorry, I was going to say the exact same thing.
It's like brain.
It's just like you think brain would be.
Yeah.
Do you want to eat it all now or save some for later?
Oh, save some for later, I think.
I have kind of like an idea for an ambrosia salad, like a brain ambrosia salad.
But we're going to share it though, right?
It's not just for you.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It's for both.
No, no, no.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to imply that it was just for me.
This is just like buying a cow.
We're in on this thing.
Oh, no, no.
Yeah.
We're going splitsies on this.
Yeah.
Full.
No, no.
I just wanted to let you know I've got like little dessert plans.
I love that.
And the brain's part of it.
Can I run something by you?
Sure.
I was thinking organs are so hit or miss for me.
I know.
Maybe.
They're called awful for a reason.
Am I right?
What if we boxed them up in a special celebrity food kit and sold them?
Or is that like too gross and materialistic?
Honey, we need the money anyway.
we're gonna need the money for our legal defense because of what we did to this man
i still feel like the world will be on our side the world has been waiting to watch two people
eat a celebrity they killed it's was the next logical step that's why i'm filming yeah no i
thank you for that by the way of course we don't we'll see how we look before we release it oh my
god this i'm so worried that i'm gonna look just terrible like in my head it looks sexy but in
it doesn't i think we need to get more blood around our mouths because that's
this is an animal act yeah we should get naked
too much uh let's see how we feel after the toes okay i just thought this is there's a lot of blood
and we like each other.
But you're right.
All right.
I mean, all right.
All right.
Well, I guess why do things halfway?
That's right.
We're eating a human being.
Let's go.
Totally nude.
Mine were tearaways.
Nice.
See, you were ready.
Yeah, I was.
I'm always ready.
I'm going to cut the toes off
because that's how I eat my corn too.
I don't like it on the cob.
Yeah, I agree with that.
Plus, I'm not ready for foot stub yet.
I don't know if I...
The toes are kind of like appetizers.
Can I be honest with you?
Please.
I don't know if I'm ready for feet.
I don't know if I can eat these toes.
Okay.
Everybody I know that has wanted to eat somebody has always been like,
oh, the feet.
I can't wait to eat the feet.
I don't get the foot eating fetish.
It's a foot.
It's utilitarian.
Yeah.
I mean, hands are too, but...
but not in the same way hands are have a little more delicacy and a little more grace to them
yes i'd like to eat the palm i'd like to lick the palm well go ahead lick your palm okay
oh how was it good a little salty you know it tasted a little like
it had a little bit of wisdom to it.
A wisdomy palm?
Yeah, it's weird.
That is weird.
But I could taste the wisdom.
I feel like I'm probably going to be a better actor now.
I think you probably will.
Could you come over here and help me crack the sternum open?
I have the jaws of life.
Sure thing.
Oh, Sandy.
Push here.
Crack.
Whoa.
Oh.
Wow.
The heart kind of looks like a heart, like a heart shaped.
He probably had some kind of a disease.
Or he had two hearts in one.
Because that's where the heart shape comes from.
Did you know that?
They put two hearts together.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Should we?
I don't want that.
Oh, you don't want the heart?
That's just, it's a heart.
I know.
I got it.
but put it,
maybe put it in a sandwich.
I'm going to look,
I'm going to make a great little recipe.
I'm going to cook some up.
It's going to be a nice like heart stew.
And then anything left over will be a good sandwich the next day.
Okay.
Can I go back to my idea?
We could still make money if we sell this.
I know.
Well,
I want,
I want the heart for us because of love because of love.
We can give them like,
I don't know,
an appendix.
A liver.
They can have the liver.
I don't want the liver.
It's full of gross.
Hey.
Hmm.
And feel free to say no.
Hmm.
What if we take the intestines and we lay in the trampet?
Oh.
You meet in the middle with me.
We both kind of look off to the side like we don't know what's happening.
Yeah.
All right.
Large or small?
Let's start with small because we're new to this.
And the small is still pretty large now that I'm seeing it.
Yeah.
Oh, no, it's huge.
All right.
This might take a while.
What's in the intestines before we start this?
I don't worry.
You don't worry?
I don't worry.
I know what you're thinking.
He thought he was going to get a colonoscopy today.
He didn't know we were going to be doing this.
So he did a full cleanse.
Oh, God.
Thank you, John.
Yeah.
John.
John, thank you.
Wait.
No.
His eye opened.
Huh?
His eyes are opening.
God, he's such a good actor.
I thought he was dead.
Oh, my God.
John, you're alive?
Oh.
John.
Come here.
Come here, buddy.
Wow.
Oh, well, that should have done him in.
All right.
Small intestine time.
Okay, ready?
That was so cute.
That was cute.
Oh, thank God you're filming this.
I'm getting full.
Thank God we were naked, too.
You could thank me.
Yeah.
Thank you.
You know, if you are feeling weird, we'll take the big intestines.
I can make you an outfit.
Oh, no.
Oh, I would.
No.
I mean, I'm not feeling weird.
I don't want you to think that.
I want that in general, but I don't want you to think that I'm uncomfortable right now.
Okay.
Because it could be like a, sorry to be crude, but you know how they have like licorice panties
or whatever?
Hmm.
So the idea of an edible outfit has already been done.
So I could literally make you a toga out of intestines that you could eat throughout the day.
And then by the time you get home, you're naked.
I love that.
I love to steadily be disrobing throughout the day.
It's for you, babe.
Thank you.
Yeah, because we're not going to be able to finish all this today.
Oh, no.
God, no, no, no, no.
This is...
Thank God we have that freezer.
We bought that big freezer to put in the garage.
We should start putting them in the crock pot.
because you clear one out of your way to find a big giant one.
A huge, huge crockpot.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, all right.
Sorry.
Oh, his eyes are opening again.
Oh, baby.
Sweet baby.
Yeah, he's down.
That one's, that's got to stick.
Maybe we should cut his head off.
What do we want to do?
We could put some dip in it.
Wouldn't that be a fun dip bowl?
yeah it looks like something you might get at home goods yes during october a great conversation
piece and no one would know who it was i mean they might know but if they see the video they'll
know well and they'll know because it's his face well that won't always be there dear
we'll be eating it soon oh that's true it'll just be skull yeah how do you think we should eat the
eyes like kick pops from starbucks oh why what were you thinking well i was thinking that they
could be put into a drink like ice cubes look at you ice cubes oh my god stop it oh how cute oh my
god oh my god i'll just dip them in resin we don't need to eat them because we want to reuse them
Yeah, that's a good idea.
You can have one and I can have one.
And then when you're off doing your dissertation and you're lonely, you can think of me by looking at it.
Yep.
I'll just make myself a little drink and look into the drink.
Yeah.
And then I'll get the chills.
And then you'll know.
And I'll pull my eye out.
Not mine.
You know, his.
Yeah.
Do you think, you know what's weird?
Can you tell the left and the right eye when they're not in the skull?
I guess we'll find out.
You can't tell.
You can't?
No.
You know what else is weird?
What?
You know what we haven't talked about?
Hmm.
You know.
Oh.
Has that even crossed your mind?
No.
Me neither.
Not until this very moment.
Wow.
That shows me we're doing it for food.
Yes.
We have pure intentions here.
Should we both look at the same time?
Yeah.
Only out of institutional curiosity.
Yeah.
I mean...
A cook's wonder.
Yes.
Yeah.
All right, here we go.
Three, two, one.
Huh.
John.
Wow.
Whoa.
Who would have thought?
Oof.
Well, um, hmm.
Yeah, maybe that's why they call them Johnsons.
That has to be why.
Because they're all the son of this guy.
We could do with this.
What?
Um.
this could be a rolling pin oh i love that well well we prepare the other food we use every part
of the milk of itch we are yeah we're not wasting anything we're not wasting a thing yeah
okay well all right you uh snap that thing off and get to rolling out those large intestines
I need a toga
after all. I just want to thank you.
This has been a really nice date.
God, I can't believe
we haven't done this before.
And we will do it again.
Oh, we definitely will.
I've already scheduled a colonoscopy
for Gina Davis.
Oh, and she's tall.
Yeah. Great. Well,
same time next week.
You know it. Alright.
Alright.
What are you two doing?
No!
Well, now we know.
Solid plan.
Wow, we nailed it.
It sounds like a lot of fun and very nutritious.
Oh, yeah.
Obviously.
There's nothing more nutritious than a human.
Yeah.
Well, that has been Eating John Malkovich.
I've had so much Malkovich I couldn't possibly eat dessert.
We've got to send this episode to him.
He's listening.
He knows. Sorry, John. I hope this was like, I hope you were flattered.
We complimented him.
Well, yeah. Big time.
And we implied that he was incredibly strong because he kept waking up.
Yes. I know. We didn't actually even establish that he was really dead.
He probably was still alive and kicking.
Yeah. And you're not a cannibal if you're still alive.
Nope. That's correct. That's the rule.
Legal defense. I am a lawyer.
You're a lawyer.
And you're alive.
Bitch.
All right, well, the sound of Francis's ice means it's time for our last segment.
The big question.
Big question.
The question is very big.
I really rely on you too much for this, Francis.
I hope you have a big question.
I do have a big question.
Great.
And here it is.
I'm going to challenge you, Jenna.
Okay.
To come out with...
Okay, you need to invent a new trend for society.
Have I already asked this question?
I don't think so.
It's not recognized.
I don't recognize it yet.
Great.
You have to come up with a new trend for society,
and you need to find a way to get it to take off.
Remember how I like it mean girls when she tried cutting her shirt
that are her. Yeah. And then she
like rocked it. Yeah.
You can't use that one.
Okay.
And
like a clothing trend
or any kind of trend? Any kind of trend.
Okay.
You know how we do the trucker symbol? We want them to
honk? Yeah. It could be like that. Okay.
Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
Ooh.
Um.
Do I want to do a clothing trend No I want to do something behavioral I want something behavioral I want to do something that people do for you Yeah You Malkovich eater Yeah
Um, all right. This is not going to be my main trend, but I, I just thought of it.
You know, the phrase you snooze, you lose. Yeah. That's how I got to my invention.
yeah um uh well instead when is you know how people sneeze and people say god bless you
yeah uh instead i want people to start going you lease like you sneeze you lease
that's a sub trend that's not my main trend
um i also have a small trend where like when you go through a tunnel and you're supposed to like
hold your breath in the car if you go over a bridge you have to scream the entire time until
you get off the bridge that's cute actually i have friends everyone in the car they have their
kids um how like a wolf in tunnels oh that's cute that's cute yeah i like that
um have you ever tried to do the holding your breath in a tunnel thing and then you're like
man i can't hold my breath for very long no i have great lung capacity i can see yeah i've
always thought this is a long ass tunnel yeah long ass tunnel long ass tunnel um
um give us your big trend you know
well it's really hard to be an immediate trendsetter um no you came up with ficus time
i use it all the time now that's true i originally found you in my backyard behind a ficus yeah
talking alone um okay
my big trend is a thing that is going to be called um
uh solo maxing
oh okay oh i'm intrigued all right this is going to be a thing where uh the name can change um
That was my first thought. Okay. But when people are on dates, they're clearly on dates. Uh, like,
you know, when you're like at a restaurant or you're out somewhere and then you could see people
that are clearly like on a first or second date and it's very like awkward or weird. Yeah. The
trend is going to be, um, anyone can join their date and just be the third wheel in the date.
Like that's a thing.
If, if the people like are on a date and you see them, you just go like insert yourself
in between them.
Just out of chair.
And, and until the awkwardness from the actual date leaves, like goes away, you get to sit
there and then, uh, you get to be like, so you're like bombing the date, but this will
have, this will be a fun thing to do.
Cause it's like, everyone's, when you see a first date in a restaurant and it's like
everyone's uncomfortable by that right so you get to like go bomb the date to make it
like to like kind of acknowledge it'll be like a fun thing to do but then also it'll help
bring the couple together because they will be banded against the people bombing their date
and there could be a variation where one of the people likes you more than the person they're with
yeah yeah and then you steal them yeah yeah yeah so it's gonna be like a it's gonna be like a like
like photo bombing but like more extreme um and this will have the added effect of it'll increase
the restaurant sales
because people will be going to bars and restaurants looking for
weird dates, dates that are not going well, right?
So I think that's my trend.
And
I don't like the name, though.
I don't like solo maxing of the name.
It's okay. Was it just the placeholder?
Yeah.
Unless it's solo minning.
People max.
People don't min as much, right?
Yeah.
We need to min more.
Yeah, we need to min more.
So you're taking the solo and you're minimizing the solo.
You're adding people to it.
Or solo minning.
We'll stick with that for now.
Min alone.
Why not?
Man cannot live on min alone.
Beg to defer.
Okay, that's great.
Thank you.
That's nice.
I think it'll have the, also, it'll be like, it'll help bring people.
Yeah, the people on dates will feel uncomfortable, but I'm sorry.
When you're at a restaurant, there's a very clear hierarchy of, like, who the people on top and who the people on the bottom are.
First dates, you're at the bottom of the barrel.
So if we can give you a little lift, we'll give you a little lift.
and it'll be a fun trend.
You know those restaurants where they give you a little card
and you turn it green when you want more food
and red if you want to stop eating?
I don't know that.
Oh.
I've never heard that.
You've never been to Fogo de Chow?
Oh, yeah, I guess I have once,
but I didn't remember that part of it.
So then they flock to you?
We could have a system where it's like,
oh, we're on a date and I'm interested in having it crashed.
I'll turn my card over.
Would the other person that you're on the date with be like, what the hell?
You want someone else to join this date?
Maybe it's a decision they could make together.
I mean.
Because it could be a fun society thing.
Yeah.
Hey, this has been a great date.
You want to make it more interesting?
Babe.
Yeah.
And you just walk over.
Hey.
Actually, this is kind of perfect.
If it's both green, then they both want someone to interrupt the date.
If one is green and one is red, then that means that the person who has the green is basically on the market to anyone else who's in the restaurant.
Because now they know that they're not interested in the person that they're with.
There's a partition, though, so you can't see how the other person voted.
Well, no, but I want this to be like, not just as a way to like, be like, this date's terrible.
Somebody else come date me.
Like, I want it to be like, hey, like, it's a way to help.
See, that's what I want.
I want to tell you like a way to like ice break for the date.
Like if you're uncomfortable and the other person's uncomfortable,
but it's like that awkwardness of a first date.
But then you had this like shared experience of like, oh my God,
someone bombed our date.
And then it's like, gives you something to talk about.
Like a good story.
It's like a good fun way to start things out.
I don't know.
Or it could be a way to control for new dates during your date.
so i don't know that's that's my trend that's good solo meaning it's a good one
it's a good one thank you good thank you so what's your trend um this is dumb
well here it is i was thinking you know when you put your credit card your your debit cards
into the the uh machine and it like it's like chip malfunction it's like annoying you have to
Take it like rub the chip.
Well, every time you're in public and someone that happens to someone and you know what just happened, everyone around them should be like money, money, money.
Awkwardly with the hand motions like a crab for no reason but joy.
I just think that'd be fun and cute.
Yeah.
Okay.
You know.
like money money money is fine
but what if instead in a really
weird chant
everyone just said rub the chip
rub the chip
I don't think I've ever rubbed the chip actually
I just pull it out
and then I try to put it in a little bit more
either more gently or harder
depending on how I did it the first time
more gently or harder
in autobiography
more Jenna
or harder. Harder and
yeah that's fun.
It's kind of like my U-Lees.
You know we're going to be doing that now.
Well we invented two new trends.
We have a great invention.
Yeah we're going to be interstellar soon.
Yep, I think we are
Well, Jenna
I think that wraps up
The Big Question
It's time
to pay the piper
The piper must be paid
The piper needs his money
Hello, I'm the piper
Pay me now
Kill the piper
You son of a bitch piper
Then we'll eat him
Ow!
Cut his toes off.
All right.
You're one of those toe freaks, aren't you?
Don't shame me as I'm killing you.
If I suddenly open my eyes, are you going to clover me in the head?
No.
Francis, hand me the jaws of life.
Okay.
Well, we got to see secret word time.
Who wants to go first?
Oh, I got to pee.
Why is this happening every week now?
It's Pavlovian.
It's those big old gulps of water you're taking.
Yeah.
True.
All right.
I have some guesses for you.
Oh, God.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Is your word corroborating?
No.
Oh, you said that real weird.
I did?
Yes.
You said, thank you, Joe, for corroborating me.
And you, like, looked at them all dramatically.
Oh, it was only an awe and respect.
Okay.
Pariah?
No, but I wish it was.
I like that word.
Sounds like piranha.
I think it sounds like Mariah.
I just think pariah carry.
You're right.
Piranha carry.
Other piranha.
That would be a fun character.
Piranha carry.
It's a fish that eats the shit out of you, but it also sings really well.
Yeah, and they get away with it because of the talent, darling.
gives the new meaning to all i want for christmas is you just
uh edible good segue but no all right and then i have a guess that i think is your decoy word
do we get points for that if we guess the decoy word yes you get one point but if you guess the
if you guess the main word you get two but if you guess the decoy you get one okay that's it
You have to say you're guessing the decoy.
Yeah, you have to say it.
If you guessed the decoy as the main word, the other person gets a point.
Yeah.
Your decoy is your decoy word interstellar.
No.
Oh, dang it.
I planted that at the end.
I thought you might have, but I figured it was worth a shot.
Well, that's all I wrote.
Okay.
I have a couple.
This one, I'm scared because you said it twice.
I think you were either trying to plant the decoy or trying to be so nonchalant that maybe it's not the decoy.
Wait, so are you guessing it as a decoy or the main one?
Let me put that one on the back burner.
Okay.
Misconstrued.
Nope.
Misconstrued.
Nope.
Photobomb.
Nope.
Bomb.
no
I just
am so scared
to say this
is your decoy word
utilitarian
no
was that your word
no
why'd you say it twice
I don't know
when did I say it
I don't know
we'll have to listen back
it was
vis-a-vis
Johnson Malkovich.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
No.
My decoy word was hierarchy,
which I think I said
so weird.
I was trying to bait you into
thinking it was my word,
and it didn't work.
My word was
construed.
You were so close.
Damn it.
And I saw you write something down,
and I was like,
please, dear God, tell me he wrote down misconstrued and not construed.
I did write down misconstrued.
Yep.
And you did say construed.
Yep.
And I'm like, why would that word come up?
Damn it to hell.
I guess I should tell you my words.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you should.
Thank you.
My word was materialistic.
Oh.
Oh, you said that about selling John Malkovich's organs.
Which would be gross and materialistic.
Yeah.
and my decoy word was rambunctious
when i'm being rambunctious with your invention by adding squirting water see i really did love
it i was just trying to get my word out you were just being a dick to get your word out
papa's gotta work so when i said that it could squirt water at you you were like
hold you can't smile you can't be into this you must call her rambunctious my other hand is
writing it down. I was like, yes, yes, yes.
Get the boys
in development on the line.
R&D. Oh, well.
Hey, no points.
Well, if you
folks go to veryfinefriends.com
you will be able to see the current
point totals in which I'm
sure Francis is still winning.
What was that? That was the
law and order sound.
It was to celebrate
Francis winning. Oh.
Okay.
Thanks.
Not this episode, just in general.
And if you want to let us know what trend you would start,
you can just send us a message on socials at Very Fine Friends.
But in...
But in what?
In the meantime...
Bye!
You sneeze, you lees.
Money, money, money, money.
Rub the chip
Bye