we're just so many all the time we can't save everything for the no some of it's for us some
of it is just for us and god but mostly us yes yeah the ashes what you're saying about
could you turn ashes back into a log i like you want to turn ashes back into a log not a human
being no one cremated um yeah that doesn't appeal to me at all but i was thinking um
because you could just burn it again talk about unlimited fuel burn it scoop it
this makes me feel stupid uh for even asking this but where does the rest of the mass of a thing that
you burn go atmosphere really it's just like yeah it i'm a lawyer and
earth expert that is the technical term you're an ee a jd and an ee oh yep earth expert uh well
i know that the earth experts in our audience are like slapping their foreheads that i'm even
asking that question i know all of them i yeah you are their leader um um uh okay well atmosphere
yeah they go into the atmosphere and you breathe it oh it's okay so i'm breathing logs right now
yep okay all right uh well welcome to the podcast everybody um
This is Friends Like Us.
Not friends lick us.
Not friends like Gus.
Nope.
Friends Like Us.
It's the podcast where friends talk about stuff.
So, Francis, I mean, how have you been since we last spoke?
I've been great.
It's hot.
Dennis, is that you, Dennis?
um yeah not a lot's happened again days the same moments the same you look good oh thank you i've
been hoping you'd say that yeah oh sorry i forgot to introduce myself i'm jenna and i'm the man that
looks good is francis yes and the woman that looks good is jenna oh thank you actually i think i
should describe you because the audience can't see you yet okay um start with how lithe i am
very lie let me do this in my own way okay i'm sorry i'm sorry she's live
picture the the hottest girl you know that girl is now ugly yeah and not live but if you know me
don't picture me and then now i'm ugly this is only if you don't already know me oh this is just
like that it's like when you try to explain how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to like
someone who doesn't know what any object is oh and you have to do like you give you like pull out
the bread and then like where are they pulling it from right and the teacher's like what's bread
and you're like oh come on yeah maybe just eat the damn thing and don't ask how it's made shut up
that reminds me of being in elementary school no middle school is that um eighth grade is that
middle school middle school is six seventh eighth i think oh that's a nice nugget of knowledge
You're welcome.
Thank you.
I'm a middle school expert.
Okay, that's on earth.
I should have known it.
I know.
I was thinking how I had this teacher who, this is going to sound benign, but it really
bugged me.
Was that your word?
Was benign your word?
No.
Okay.
Before, I should explain, folks.
We do a little something on the pod.
Our producer gives each of us a secret word to say during the podcast.
And if we can catch the other one saying their secret word, we get a prize that is yet to be determined.
But if you're wrong.
I die.
No, no, no.
Let's start lighter than that.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
I'm going to choke her.
Make choking noises.
I'm done.
Do better.
I enjoyed that, actually.
Okay.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
jenna's secret word is honed francis's secret word is kidnappers back to the pod
so i i thought benign might have been francis's word it's not uh so i am punished anyway so
sorry is your word punished no i thought you were trying to slip it in my ass oh no i gotta choke
you know no harder do better okay sorry go back to your story the teacher yes um she had exposed
toes okay the way you said that made it sound like it was some kind of deformity or something
or like some kind of like something but you're just me she wore like sandals that's exactly what
i mean and like there was nothing wrong with her feet but i feel like when toes are in the room
that's where your eye just goes goes to toes yeah and um it just i found it very distracting
just my science teacher toes are in the room
um my middle school i should just tell you that i was not um i was an odd child of course
and i used to laugh uncontrollably um i would start laughing and i couldn't stop and i'd have
to be like removed a lot in math because i would i didn't understand math so i would like zone out
think of something funny laugh and be kicked out and um a girl in my class had pigtails braids
and I remember like sliding pencils into her braids slowly so that she didn't know.
And then she started like flicking her hair like casually.
And so the pencils were like flying around.
And then I lost, I just lost it.
And my teacher like did the like Tommy boy like loud sigh, slow turn,
and just like get out.
so that's would be funny that would be funny for anyone i think yeah that's legitimate let me laugh
yeah rhymes with math goes to toes
sounds like you're italian talking about ghost toes
ghost toes
oh i like the idea that only a specific part of your body can haunt
can come back and haunt you.
The rest of you is still alive.
Oh, so some...
Okay, so...
It's like if you get...
What's the health thing
when you have, like, frostbite or something?
Oh.
When your, like, toes are dead?
Like, gangrene or something?
Oh, yeah.
And so you...
Yeah.
Now you've got...
Coast to toes.
Look out.
I'm telling you.
If you had to pick one part of your body,
like, if you died,
your whole body died.
You mean when?
Go on.
No, if.
science will catch up
and you
can only have one part of your body come
back and you can't
say your genitals I wouldn't
I'm ready for those to go
those have served their purpose
they're done now
those are needed in heaven what part
of your body would you come back to be the
haunting part
well what are they capable of like people just see
this disembodied yeah like whatever
ghosts do in life
now like
if a ghost was in the room right now it'd be the same thing
except it would be like just one part of the
body. I guess I would pick my eyes.
That's a good answer.
You have nice eyes. I wasn't trying
to please people. I was
trying to unsettle them.
That would be a good answer. As someone
who will be haunted by
your eyes. I'm happy
about that. And what would you pick?
I don't
know um maybe fingers but not the palm of my hand just fingers do you think you would know it was
fingers if they were just like floating yeah because they're not those yeah that still looks
like a finger you wouldn't think it was like a worm or like a no my nails will still be painted
Oh, yeah.
My nails will still be painted.
Oh, and I'd know those hands anywhere.
For the audience at home Jenna has really nice gorgeous model hands For the audience at home Francis has an inflated view of my hands I don know why he likes my hands so much
She's humble, too.
I just remembered I had a dream the other night that my dad was drinking a Diet Coke,
which he does not drink, and there was something in it,
and I was like, what if it's a human finger?
It's like, you could sue Coke and get so much money
because there was like something in the can.
And then I opened up the can and it was pills that were in the can.
It wasn't a human finger.
I feel like you could sue for that too.
I know.
And I was surprised that they hadn't disintegrated
because they were like the capsule pills.
And it was like in the Coke, it didn't disintegrate yet.
See, Coke's safe.
That's, yep.
The Earth expert.
Oh, this was a dream?
This was a dream.
Oh, I was, okay.
Oh, no, otherwise you would have heard about this on the news.
We already would have sued Coke.
Would you have given me any money?
Well, in this case, I guess it would be my dad.
But if it was me, yeah, I'd keep you on retainer.
I appreciate that.
Like an entourage or something.
I'd pay you to be my friend.
Oh, my God.
I would do it for free, but it's like a tip.
Yeah, kind of.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Friends like us.
Let's move to our first segment.
Let's open up the invention of the week.
Oh, you're going to love this.
inventions.
The invention of the week
is a...
Maybe you won't like it.
Okay, here's a different one.
It is...
How many times have you been
out at a restaurant?
Has this ever happened to you?
Exactly.
You know what I'm talking about.
Where you're with your friends
and it's a loud environment.
You can't hear anybody.
at least I can
it's like god I wish I knew what they were saying
I don't want to ask them to repeat themselves
so instead you just smile
and
my invention is
a
it's a
collar it's a metal
telescoping collar so it goes
around you like
like old fashioned like Edwardian
collar okay and
you can telescope out
the
like wings and your friends all have one too and it keeps the conversation
acoustically present stops it from like going out so other people can't overhear you
you mean the main intention is that you hear you okay but then so but okay so acoustically
you hear yourself
you look like
you're like
how are you not getting this
you idiot
I said a warden collar
and it keeps the present
conversation down
so you do get it
yeah it keeps the conversation
in your ring of friendship
so everyone's
everyone's wearing like a dog
neck collar
your words
and please don't poison those
with dog collar
alright
It's all that people need to hear and they're not going to buy it.
No, Edwardian acoustic collar.
Okay.
And so it makes it...
So does it block...
It doesn't block out the outside noise.
In a way it does because by amplifying the conversation happening around you,
it means that you're listening to the other stuff less.
All right.
So I think you've invented walls.
I think the walls that you wear.
I find that reductive.
But yeah, but it would help.
But does it help stop other people from listening to your conversations?
I feel like that's really important to you.
Well, I mean, that's kind of more that's more important, I think, than because.
OK, if we're at the point where a group of friends is all deliberately wearing Edwardian
callers specifically so they can hear each other better wouldn't then couldn't you just then be
like let's all just talk a little louder i don't know if i feel comfortable asking that you would
be comfortable asking that everyone wear an eduardian color don't think of it as something
you bring from home think of it as something the bar has that you can borrow okay like a booster
seat okay or parmesan cheese you give back the parmesan cheese you don't have to
anyway um stew on it uh okay what is this invention called hear me roar
i would buy it for the name alone uh but i feel like okay so you're saying to be clear because it
seems like you're getting angry at me for asking this you don't want it to stop other people from
hearing you you just want it so that your friends hear you we can have a upgrade model
we're on the back of the collar it's putting out
you know yeah like a frequency so it does obscure if that's something that would help you invest
if that helps you
uh yeah because again if everyone's just wearing these things why not just be a little bit louder
the reason to not be a little bit louder is because you don't want other people to overhear
you well the the original idea for this was different but because it was so similar to
last week's invention i didn't want to say it but it was basically a table umbrella
you know you put it in the middle of the table and you open it up and it's like a little umbrella
around the whole table and it keeps the conversation in but i like that actually
i have a new name okay how do you speak at night
oh somehow better than hear me roar
I feel like you really
honed your naming
craft. Good job.
Thank you. Sugar crush.
Was your word craft?
It was not
Oh, nice try.
It was not my word.
Do you want to make a slapping noise?
Do better.
Okay.
I don't know if this is
an invest for me i'm gonna be honest if if you add if you add some kind of noise canceling thing
so that other people can't hear you i'm on board but i know that bastardizes your original invention
that's not what you wanted that's not your vision okay so you're saying i brought that to you that's
my shark take and i don't have it's not on that one you're saying no and i'm going home to cry
myself to sleep yes yeah so it's up to you are you a purist do you keep the vision i'm a money man
okay all right well then if you add that feature i'll invest and our audience can check it out on
our website friendslikeuspod.com forward slash how do you sleep at night how do you speak
my bad i went right to the pun source oh no you pulled back the curtain on how the joke was made
burn back the collar burn back the collar wow
all right i think it might be time to close the invention of the week all right
uh okay let's move on to our next segment uh seance
She blinded me with seance.
Ooh.
And not just because we discovered ghost-a-toes.
Are we playing seance?
So our producer Joe has a dead celebrity,
and Francis and I are going to try and guess who it is
via the guess who, like the game guess who,
the yes or no questions, and we're going to see if we can bring this dead celebrity back
to life.
Oh, I like that.
Yeah.
All right.
So, Francis, you want to have the honor of the first question?
The first question.
First question.
Is this a woman?
No it is not No not a woman um ask if it a man it wasting a question okay francis uh okay um
i don't have another one yet i'm trying i'm trying to strategize do we have a
set number of questions that we can ask do we get to 20 all right let's let's cap it we've
He's invoked guess who?
He's invoked 20 questions.
I know.
For the brand new game of seance.
You're losing focus.
A celebrity is dead, okay?
We have to try and bring them back.
Okay.
Did he die in the 21st century?
Yes.
Okay.
We just got an audience question.
When is that?
From the year 2000 on.
Okay, I don't know.
And you said yes?
Thank you, audience member, for that clarifying question.
Okay.
Is this an action star?
No.
Ooh.
Is this an actor?
Yes.
Okay.
Hmm.
Is this someone who's funny?
Yes.
is it
norm mcdonald
no
is it
good guess though
thank you
oh my god he said good guess
if he doesn't say that to me
you go kill yourself
it's like when you go to a restaurant
do better
and the waiter doesn't
they don't like your order
when they don't tell you good order
yeah
is it robin williams
no
oh darn
check again
bad guess
damn
alright
do they have brown hair
I don't know
I'm coming up empty here Francis
this is the one and only time we play
are they a carbon
based life form
um i'm gonna say did you say yes or no i i'm not sure if we're accepting that question as canon or
not yeah i mean they did at one point have brown hair oh that was some revealing information okay
are they hot were they hot
no oh oh i guess that's how come they had to be funny
dead and ugly that's gonna be my tombstone
inscription
but in brown hair
not a woman
was he
shorter than 5'10
yes he is shorter than 5'10
oh I think I know who it is
I don't know his name
we could talk amongst ourselves
okay
have you seen
the hit film
nine months
with Hugh Grant
Hugh Grant is alive
it's not Hugh Grant
no I haven't
the one with Julianne Moore
yes
god I love Julianne Moore
do you love her
I used to hate her
I like her now
whoa
I know
okay
well as long as you're on board
yeah
I tweeted her once
but a lot of stuff
was going on politically
and she ignored me
that's probably the only reason
yeah
um he was in that movie what else was he in oh um brown hair brown hair
no i just don't know his name um okay it's fine well he said he wasn't hot i was thinking maybe
john ritter but john ritter is attractive if you're thinking of robin williams who's in the
movie nine months yes robin williams already i wasn't thinking no it's the guy with the glasses
the guy who beats up the Barney lookalike
death smoochie
Tom Arnold
wait is Tom
I apologize to Tom Arnold
I know you're a listener
I am sorry
you're not dead
oh that's not who I meant then
he's one of our biggest supporters
Tom I'm sorry Francis didn't mean it
into the future estate of Tom Arnold
I apologize and I think he's attractive too
and thank you for leaving us all your money
of course
I think everyone's hot actually
so this is tough for me
wasn't it you that asked the question?
you asked a question that doesn't
narrow it down at all
I say
let's wrap this up
let's get three more questions and then we each have a guest
okay but now I'm feeling really inadequate
with my questions
they're an actor, a comedic
actor he died in the 21st century no i not a comedic actor you said was he is he funny and i
said yes oh i'd like to clarify the nuance we're not this the nuance of the seance is he a dramatic
actor yes did he die after the age of 50 yes
we always lose the old ones
I know
they died so old
he was too old
too old to die
was it Sean Connery
ooh
so it wasn't Sean Connery
it wasn't anyone else we guessed
wasn't known for being hot
he was funny
I almost just said Ted Danson.
He's alive right now.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
Ted, I know you're listening, and I apologize.
I didn't mean it.
I just thought of a...
But you were also a comedic actor, so that was just stupid on multiple levels by me.
Francis, make a slap noise.
Do better.
Sugar crush.
Okay, so let's each make a guess, and then whoever's closer gets the point.
However Joe defines closer.
I will say Sean Connery is a closer guest than any of your prior guesses.
Okay.
I can't picture anyone ever dying.
See, what's funny is in real life, not in seance when I'm on the spot,
I assume everyone's dead.
I'm like, didn't they die?
But now it's like, no, they're all alive.
I can't remember anyone dying.
I know who it is.
What is James Gandolfini?
that oh that's his get okay i'm not gonna say i want to show you guys uh
tony sirico it's tony sir
oh
james gandalfini is six feet tall oh two inches walnuts oh my god rest in peace wow yeah oh my
god wow oh my god and ghost of toes because the does italian oh full circle that was fun for us
I have a feeling not a great listen.
Whatever.
As long as Tom and Ted are still listening, which I know they are.
Tom Arnold, Ted Danson, thank you for listening to Seance.
All right, let's move on to the main event.
The big question.
The question is very big.
Oh, the question.
I have it for you.
Sorry.
Francis, do you have a big question for me?
Huge question.
All right, I'm ready.
Yeah.
The question is, let's say you have a genie, and the genie can grant you wishes.
Okay.
Now, no loopholes, okay?
You can't wish for a million wishes or anything like that.
Right, and once you hear the catch, you can't wish to undo it.
Nothing like that.
Okay.
If every time you made a wish, you lost a quarter of an inch off all of your fingers, including the thumbs, how many wishes would you make?
A quarter of an inch.
Including your thumbs.
Yeah, it's not good.
I mean, I would only get four.
I would probably get six wishes max without losing a thumb completely.
But then also, who wants that last quarter inch of thumb?
Someone who doesn't have it.
Well, no, I mean, I think I'd rather be completely thumbless than have a thumb.
I am on that way, too.
It's all or nothing with me.
Okay.
Okay, so not like lose a finger for every wish.
They just keep getting smaller.
All of your fingers get shorter.
Yeah.
Turning your arms into bats.
How much time do I have to make?
Yes.
What was the question?
Sorry.
Turning your arms into bats.
So, close to toes.
How much time do I have to make the wishes like is it throughout my whole life yeah yeah it not like I don have to come up it not like I out of work okay so I can really think about the wishes
yeah rub the lamp I'm gonna come back later
okay
but no loopholes
what do you mean by a loophole now
like
like you can't get out of the finger thing
oh okay
so no matter what that's happening
once you say
Jeannie I officially declare a wish
you don't even have to say it like that
but yeah
okay
well I don't want to accidentally activate a wish
but use his name
Gordon
stop calling me genie i'm using an official wish right now i don't want to accidentally activate a
wish um because then i'm what if like i'm like god i wish this restaurant had jalapeno poppers
and then it's like well quarter of my fingers or quarter inch my fingers is gone um not a bad wish
i honestly don't even know why i said that i've never had all we should get those you've never
had them never had a jalapeno popper close the laptop genie i wish for jalapeno poppers
What happened to your hands?
Oh, Gordon, no, that wasn't a real wish.
Ghost of fingers.
And it wouldn't be like a situation with needful things like that.
Or like the Rick and Morty episode when Satan has the shop that he'll sell you anything.
but it's like oh yeah you can speak any language but you live in a box for the rest of your life
no no you're not getting bedazzled here you're these are nice yes clean wishes they just come
at a very high cost okay so it's not there's i don't have to like properly phrase it just so
to avoid any kind of like trickery so i could just like truly think about what do i really wish for
how many wishes would I make.
I'm worried that once I made one wish and it came true,
I'd become addicted to wishes.
Oh, yeah, until you try tying your shoes.
Velcro, baby.
Yeah, until your husband asks you to pinch something and you can't.
Damn, that happens all the time.
Well, I guess you'd still...
I didn't clarify.
Maybe I should say your fingers are getting shorter.
You're not losing...
Like, you still have tips of your fingers.
You're not losing functionality.
So it's like cutting from the middle.
Your hands are almost getting smaller.
They're getting smaller.
Yeah, cutting from the middle.
I like that.
Yeah.
So your palms stay the same size?
Yeah, it's just like little tiny finger kidnappers.
Okay.
I'd probably make two, maybe three at the most.
Your hands would be so cute.
I had three wishes.
oh my god teddy fingers
I would want your hands in every picture
oh Dan would want it too
I don't know what that means
you know the optics
okay so
alright
this episode
brought to you by
who's sponsoring us?
Halliburton.
Marie Callender's, the restaurant.
Who's in the mood for pie?
Marie Callender's.
Rocco's real world or whatever.
Rocco's modern life.
Rocco's real world?
Oh, what if Rocco was on the real world?
That MTV TV show.
I think as
as far as like characters go who are animated
he actually has some riz
Rocco like I think Rocco's like
he'd do okay
he could ask me out on a cartoon date
I also like like
the idea of him just like
losing his shit because there's one
housemate that like won't do dishes
or something like
like you know like
because in the real world they would just like
they'd all like hate each other
I was thinking of the cartoon.
I'm like, I don't remember that episode.
I know.
Yeah.
No, like in the real world house.
Yeah.
And he's actually like a bro.
And I don't like him anymore.
Yeah.
He goes on the challenge.
Well, the audience probably doesn't know this about me.
I'm a total softy lover boy.
Yep.
Not into games.
Finds everyone attractive.
Everyone's hot and alive to me.
Tiny fingers are your thing.
come as you are okay so that's my answer i'd probably i don't know three wishes unless i
got addicted to the wishes well just make sure one of them is someone to grab things for you
yeah that would be my last wish yeah my final wish all right how many would you do
um my hands are small enough one max whoa yeah and when i say small i mean huge
but yeah i think i could do one one wish and i would probably just be like give me a lot of money
give me so much money it doesn't matter my hands look weird now
okay so by which you you mean that doesn't matter that my hands look weird now
so like you could just pay people to be your friend yeah yeah i think i would put a number
on it i think i would say i want a hundred billion dollars after taxes like the genies
the government still gets their cut it comes with a letter from the irs that says we don't want
anything we like this for you this is actually a gift and not in the traditional sense where you
know something no no uh uncle sam missed all those birthdays all right so just yeah i feel
with a lot of money you could make anything happen so you can make anything happen with a lot of
money yeah this episode's brought to you by money give us some uh oh all right i think that's uh
that answers the big question of the week i'd at most do three maybe two you do one yeah because
you want to keep your hands i'm not greedy i just want 100 i just want all the money in all the world
the big question all right folks well uh let us know what you'd do if you had a genie that cut a
quarter inch of your fingers off we want to hear from you you know what really sucks about this
huh everyone has different size hands so some people can get away with like a piano player
could be like i don't care 10 because they have super long fingers well then they wouldn't be
able to play the piano anymore a small price to pay yeah but also your fingers are all different
sizes too so at some point you're gonna run out of at some point it's just like well i only have
the middle finger left anyway like i'll just keep going in this world hey oh nobody drive near
francis you can see a stubby middle finger speaking of that i mentioned to my therapist
that i had road rage one time yeah and every time after that she asked about my road rage i'm like
it was supposed to be something we laughed at yeah like it wasn't real it was just like focused
on the word rage.
Yeah.
And I came in,
she's like,
any other red rage incidents?
I'm like,
no.
There's about to be office rage
right now.
You didn't laugh.
All right.
Well,
we have to get to one last thing.
Okay.
Our secret words.
We both guessed.
We both were wrong.
Did you get your secret word out?
I did.
I did too.
You did?
I did.
Oh,
damn.
And you were close
when you guessed.
You were close to my word when you guessed.
Because you guessed the word was craft.
And it wasn't.
It was honed.
I said you've really honed.
Damn.
Yeah.
Wow.
I'm a loser.
No, you were close.
I think closer than me.
What was your word?
Kidnappers.
I didn't know how I was going to get it in there.
I forgot what you said.
Oh, really?
I remember you said, just imagine little kidnappers taking a quarter.
What does it say about, Francis, what does it say about you that that didn't raise any
reflex at all?
Yeah, this is how Francis speaks.
I like to think I'm just a really cool customer.
Yeah.
Well, okay.
Well, you've kidnapped my heart.
And I'm never giving it back.
All right, folks.
Thanks for listening.
We'll see you next week.
Friends like us.
We love you.
Bye.