I had this really interesting dream last night where someone was asking me to smuggle something
and I really wanted to get the job and then every time they were so they were like oh it's
it's chickens. And I was like, oh, chickens are the easiest thing to smuggle.
Like, so yeah, I could do that. That's great. And they were like, oh, would they lay eggs?
And I was like, chicken laying eggs? That's even
easier to smuggle. I was like, I was saying anything I could to like get this like smuggling deal.
You just really needed this job. Yeah, I really wanted to do it. So I was like planning out this like smuggling
expedition with chickens. And then
suddenly it like morphed and we were like at this like Olympic event.
and my friend was there
and one of the events was walking
like a high beam
high over the city and it was like
scary
and I was like I can't do this
and she goes it's super easy
once you
put high heels on
so I was like oh that's the trick
she's like yeah watch and she put heels on
and just like
walked across it super easy and I was so
scared
did you do it?
No, I woke up with a cramp.
Oh, because of the high heels.
Yeah, probably.
You know, the brain doesn't know the difference between sleep and awake.
The brain's an idiot.
Brain is doing the best it can.
Try harder, brain.
Yeah.
So it just got me thinking.
Brain.
We don't smuggle enough.
It's a good point.
I want to smuggle even when no one's asked me to.
Just for no reason.
We should find some chickens.
Okay.
And just bring them places?
Only if they're laying eggs.
Well, they're easier that way.
That's what I've heard from myself.
Isn't it interesting?
The word smuggle is one letter off from snuggling.
Snuggling is you're cuddling, basically.
Smuggling is you're moving.
Cuddling things close to your body and then depositing them somewhere else.
I always think of smuggling as putting something under your shirt.
I don't know why.
Oh, I think of it like keistering.
Like keistering?
Yeah.
Like butt?
Yeah.
Oh.
That's the worst way to think of it.
It is, but that's how, I mean, people do smuggle.
I want to have a trench coat that I open and things fall out of.
Well, maybe instead you should have a trench coat that you open and things are for sale.
That too.
That's, I mean, really one of the main end goals of smuggling.
Selling the things you're smuggling.
Selling the things you're selling.
Yeah, that's why I want to just do...
Smuggling implies illegality, doesn't it?
Yeah, because why else would you smuggle it?
Why not just do it?
But I want to act as if I'm smuggling things.
Recreational smuggling?
You could just say it.
You could go anywhere and be like,
oh, I smuggled these drinks in, but it's like water.
Yeah.
That's still smuggling because it was done outside of the public purview.
No one knows.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's smuggle.
And then we'll snuggle.
Aww.
Welcome to Very Fine Friends.
Listeners, if you're listening to this, and we know you are because you're listening to it, listeners.
It's like Schrodinger's podcast.
We just smuggled you into our podcast.
Welcome.
Snuggle us.
We smuggled, so now we snuggle.
First you smuggle, then you snuggle.
Hold on, I'm writing this down.
Do you have the, not snuggling first.
No, no.
That's, nope.
Scratching it out.
That's the reward for all the smuggling.
That's right.
Smuggling, then snahuggling.
Yes.
We do them in alphabetical order.
Oh, that's good.
That's how you remember.
That'll help people just learning the alphabet.
Yes, that's what I was hoping for.
You know how you always smuggle first and then you snuggle?
Well, that's alphabetical order.
I always remember port and starboard.
Oh, don't do this to me.
Are those the two, though?
Who among us could know the difference?
It's left and right.
It's alphabetical order in that one.
But the two words are port and starboard, right?
Why don't they just say stage right and stage left like everyone else?
Yeah.
Like when I'm giving directions to someone when they're lost,
I'm like, go up to the light, take a stage left.
And then when you hit to the stop sign, take a stage right.
Yeah.
Uh, and if you find yourself downstage, you've gone too far.
Um, yeah, no, but those are alphabetical order too.
Um, port and starboard left, right.
So good for us.
Good for us.
Good for the alphabet.
Good for literacy.
Yeah.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I
each our own secret word. Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the
secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing. If the other person can
correctly guess the secret word, they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points.
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is schmooze.
Jenna's decoy word is railroads.
Francis's secret word is improvised.
Francis's decoy word is yikes.
Back to the pod.
A, B, C, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, R, B.
You know what else is in alphabetical order?
The alphabet?
Technically.
Yes, that's true.
It's a good point.
i o t w invention of the week
inventions
oh that was smooth
wow you know what isn't in alphabetical order sexy which is what that transition was
Jenna that was impressive
thank you I've been studying the alphabet
for most of my life waiting
and it's finally paid off
did you just come up with that on the cuff?
I did
are you serious?
why am I so impressed by this?
I don't know it's not that impressive
Joe hail your sister
you just improvised that
I did
isn't that kind of my job?
I'm just amazed
Francis you know this podcast
is all improv right?
You know we don't
Not all of it
Welcome to Verified Friends, a podcast where friends talk about stuff
That's a script
So you guys haven't been reading the scripts that I've been sending you
Sorry Joe, I've just been really busy
Maybe if you put them in alphabetical order
It'd be easier to digest
He did, the first episode is called A
The second one is B
Guys, we're past 26 episodes
I don't know what to do anymore
A-A, B-B
Yeah
All right, Francis, lay it on me.
You want me to lay on you?
Yes.
Okay.
Coming right up, sister.
You want an invention?
I would love one.
Thank you.
Okay.
I had one, and I'm going to communicate it to you and Joe in the audience at large.
Okay.
the invention of the week
this week
has to do with
um
you seem like you're stalling for time
the invention of the week this week
which is the week that we're in
currently
okay um here it is
okay
the invention of the week this week
is
stop okay
stop it
okay so remember how I came up with that
invention where you can eat whatever you want and then it goes into a tube yes like the little
proprietary valve system you switch it off and it goes into the yeah you remember i remember of
course i remember i love that i'm wearing one right now i thought you looked thin deprived of
nutrients yeah um i have a uh i have a better i have a better way oh well you're one upping your
previous invention? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'm one-upping it.
Now forget it. I have a new invention. Here it is.
I've talked to you about this before. I see if you remember. It wasn't on pod, but
I was thinking about it today. I'm like, this is a great idea. Okay. Let me tell you a story, Joe.
One time I came to visit Jenna and it was
really hot. It was the middle of summer. I know. I remember this one.
And she didn't come to the door for a long time. I didn't know you were at the door already.
sweating and finally she i was about to go back to the car but then i didn't and then she finally
came to the door and i was like sweating all over i think it was like one minute i don't think it
was like a really long it makes it sound like you were out there for like 15 minutes well it's better
for the invention if it was longer okay could have been an hour anyway i was stalling because i was
trying to remember this just so you know okay so there i admit it i was stalling see proof that
it's improv people yeah see it's not always fast we didn't read joe's script
all right right here it is my invention do you know how sometimes you go to your friend's house
and she doesn't answer the door for upwards of an hour it's not do i know it i don't know that
you know how the world is hot i do know that and sometimes cold i do know that you know how we like
to wait in comfort?
I do know that.
Well, tighten your bra
because you are about
to be amazed.
Oh, I just went back
one hook.
Go on.
Oh, they're high.
Yeah, thank you.
Here's my invention.
I just had my handmaiden
pull my corset tighter.
Wow, I didn't know
it could go any tighter.
My ribs are cracking
under the pressure.
My invention has a handmaid
who knows how to do her job.
No.
Here it is.
You push a button.
Not a button, a doorbell.
This is ridiculous.
The button of the house.
Similar to the lady of the house.
Oh, yes.
The button of the house.
There's only one button on a house.
Like when you were a child and you used to pretend to be the button of the house?
That's a deep cut.
Only true fans will appreciate it.
Real ones don't.
Yeah.
sorry go on
you push the button of the house
when you're pushing the button
when you push the button
depending on if it's summer or winter
there's a vent over the door
that opens
and it blows whatever temperature
of air is going on in the house
on you so you can wait in comfort
so if it's summertime
it blows the AC on you while you wait
if it's winter time it blows the heat on you while you wait
and that's about it okay yes i remember this invention and i remember you inventing it
i still don't maintain that i was that gone for that long or not at the door that much but
um it's not about that it is to me it's about pride i don't leave my guests
hanging at the door this was the one time that i was like
it was hot it was hot it was a scorcher it was a scorcher weatherman said it was a scorcher
and you don't dress for the weather you dress to impress so thanks yeah so which i appreciate
by the way screw the weather screw the weather um and me because i'm at it yep not in that order
this is not a snuggle smuggle situation do it the other way um i
don't think this is a bad idea this is i uh the only thing i could see being a problem would be
someone pressing the button of the house over and over and over again no no no that wouldn't work
because it has to be tied to the doorbell like my doorbell i don't think works
it's like i don't think it makes any noise well here's what we're gonna do about that okay we can
retrofit it for for an existing home we'll put a new doorbell in and connect it right our qualified
technicians can handle that for you don't have to do anything but if it's a new build it goes in
as a new build so we have ways of solving all of these problems but but nothing but okay so but
What I'm saying is, if you press the button in my house, nothing happens.
So how do I, if the sound breaks, how do you know you're not going to get someone out there just stealing your AC?
Well, so it's also going to be connected to an app.
Okay.
And also, it's kind of like, you know when you hit the crosswalk button?
Yeah.
It doesn't happen any faster because you hit it ten times.
It activates.
I just like hearing them go, wait.
Oh, I can do it.
Hold on.
Yeah.
Wait.
yeah pretty good thanks wait oh wow you're just as good nice new skill unlocked we should go to
crosswalks and do that then can we make the clicking noise for when it like turns to walk
and accidentally trick people can i hear your version of it uh
that's not good that's not it that's better than i could do mine was gonna be more high-pitched
uh we could then get we could trick people into crossing the street when their car is coming
And watch their body parts fly off their body when they get hit.
Or say, wait when they're in the middle of the crosswalk.
And then they just stop.
And they're just like, what do we do?
Oh, the light rail's coming.
Oh my God, I wish I was in front of a house with a button I could push.
Back to the invention.
Anyway, so it's only going to happen once, okay?
And then it's like on a timer.
So for max, it'll be like five minutes.
this seems like it will use a lot of energy
though because
to blast
the outside with air conditioned
air or heat
it's going to have to be its own unit
you want it separate from your
just sounds like more incentive
for lazy bones like you
to get to the door faster
and let their guests in
oh no all the energy is being used
I better hurry up
I better run from my basement up to the main level
here's the thing
They have devices, like heaters and coolers, so they do both.
So it could just be one new thing that's right over the front door.
It's not connected to your AC.
You know what I mean?
Okay.
So it's the equivalent of turning on your bedside bed jet.
Okay.
And people will love it.
And their hair will stay done, and their makeup will stay done.
What's a bed jet?
Oh, bed jets are nice.
I have one.
You don't know?
You don know It this um uh you know how you like bed You know you like jets No it this like heating and cooling system for your bed
So you put a little hose at the bottom of your bed,
and then you can adjust the air temperature,
either cold in the summer or hot in the winter.
And it has a little remote and a timer,
and yeah.
Nice.
It has a little remote
and a timer.
Delayed reaction.
It's wintery time now.
I like before bed
turning it on
for like 30 minutes
and get my tootsies
nice and toasty
and then fall asleep.
And then the summer
is air conditioning
for your bed.
Who doesn't love
some toasted tootsies?
I do.
We didn't when we were
eating John Malkovich.
and
Dorothy Michaels
who's that? Tootsie
the movie
don't get me warm
anyway
Dustin Hoffman is that you?
now I am a woman who is proud to be cold
okay so then if it's
own separate unit then also
the other problem I was worried about
is having vents that open in the house
Like you don't want to have any extra like sealed off.
So this is like a sealed off thing.
Totally separate.
And here's a fun part.
If you don't want the guest there, you can, on your app, crank it the other direction.
So extra heat?
Yeah.
If it's hot out?
Yeah.
So you're getting rid of unwanted visitors?
Yeah.
It's just a quick button, like enemy.
It just says enemy.
And you push it and then it really fucks with them.
That's the button of the phone.
Yeah.
you love that part huh the enemy button yeah um i i gotta be honest i don't love that it's
connected to an app because i like to keep things is there a way to do this data free
yeah the uh it can be like a little screen on your next to your front door so you don't use
your phone just like it's just software it's like a computer okay so it could still be like a closed
circuit so i could be standing on the other side of the door just an enemy enemy enemy all right i
like that yeah um i would definitely oh could it say enemy too as it's getting hotter outside enemy
wait here's the thing i didn't tell you before it also comes with a pneumatic tube like the
old-fashioned banks oh i love a good pneumatic tube right so people are there to like give you
something or like literature you could be like just put it in the tube and um no jenna
writing it down
you could just put it in the tube
and it's funny because if you don't want it
you've already hit the enemy button
so if you want the mail
it comes into your house but if you hit enemy
it goes up and back in their face
that would be so funny
it would be funny
yeah it reminds me of like a cartoony thing
is it a cartoony
where like letters go flying out
at somebody's face.
Yeah, yeah.
I've seen that in a cartoon.
Okay.
Yeah.
I like that.
I don't want this male.
Enemy.
This male's my enemy.
Do you apologize
at the pod for that?
Do you have a name
for this invention?
Nope.
Oh, Joe?
Buds of the house.
you could make it a button
separate from the doorbell
you could
but what if they were too stupid to push it
that's on them I guess
and what do they do
then they are my enemy
what do they do in visiting my house
what about
something about welcome
welcome Matt
welcome
cool welcome
welcome
comfort
warm welcome
oh joe
warm welcome
I love it
oh yes
alright
to joe
joe say it
to Joe.
Wow.
You're making Joe schmooze himself?
Yeah.
That was great.
That was really good.
That's nice, though.
That was good.
Okay, I don't even think we need to workshop any other names.
Hell to the now.
Warm Welcome
is probably available now.
Everyone's going to want...
I mean, I would want this.
I know you would.
You'd want it for me, at least.
Yeah.
Yeah, my only concern is that people are going to abuse it.
They're going to come up and they're going to like...
It doesn't do anything after the first push.
And they only have a maximum of five minutes.
Wait, so someone pushes it and then they got...
Then people would be congregating at your door.
Like, I live near a high school and the high school students,
like, they, like, walk in the neighborhood once school is out.
and I can totally see like when it's hot outside
some punk high school
kid just standing in my doorway
pressing the button and five minutes of air
just like hanging out in my doorway
and I'm not going to abuse it
high school kids wouldn't do that
you're right
they have somewhere to go
home
they're going to be doing that
on the buttons of their own house
plus you can also alter it
to be like
not that comfortable
but more comfortable
than the air.
It's like gonna be like
super ice cold
if you want.
You could make it.
I just realized
is this something
that they do
in office buildings?
Like you know
when there's like
sliding doors
and then you walk in
and then there's air
like blowing down
at you?
No, that's not a joke.
That's not what they do.
They blow air
to stop bugs
from coming in.
It's not to keep you cool.
Oh.
And it's only while
you're walking through it.
This is my thing.
This isn't Sam's Club.
Okay.
I invented this.
Okay.
Yeah, Sam, you piece of shit.
This isn't yours.
This is Francis's.
Yeah, no, I was saying because I invented Sam's Club that one time.
Yeah.
Well, Sam invented it, but then you reinvented it.
I just want to be someone.
All right, well, good.
Well, warm welcome.
Definitely, it's available now.
Go to veryfinefriends.com.
And nowhere else.
Oh, no, you can't get this anywhere else.
We might allow Costco to sell.
But not Sam's Club.
No, after what they did to me passively through no action of their own.
That's the worst kind of action.
At least if someone takes active action, you know.
They're thinking of you.
Well, yeah, and it's like they had to put in a little bit of work and, you know.
But passive action?
Boo.
Mm-hmm.
All right, well, that wraps up.
another invention of the week.
And a successful one too, I think.
Totes agrees.
Degrees of welcome.
Yours was way better, but I wish I said
degrees of welcome first.
Oh, just to get it out there.
Yeah.
But then Joe had to come in and
just steal the show.
Joe's pony was combed, that's for sure.
What?
You know, like in horse shows?
Is that a phrase?
No, I just came up with it.
Okay.
You know, like, you want to ride the most combed pony.
Okay.
Well, on that note, it's time for our next segment.
Excuse me?
That's it.
Nailed it.
Thank you.
Um, excuse me.
In this segment, we're going to be asking each other for favors, and I don't know, we might, we maybe, we will be able to help each other, maybe we won't.
We'll just see.
Yeah, we'll just see.
Hey, Francis.
Hey, Jenna.
Could you do me, like, a huge, huge favor?
What is it?
I have, I have, I'm having a bunch of people over for a fancy dinner and I need to stuff a turkey.
Could you, could you help me stuff a turkey?
Can I help you stuff a turkey?
Yeah, if you wouldn't mind, that'd be like a huge help.
I really grab the giblets.
I would.
However, and I know you couldn't possibly have known this.
I met a turkey once.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, so you're intimately familiar with turkeys,
so this should be great for you.
Yeah, except I was in the woods and I was out of water
and I thought I was going to die, and I screamed out,
Lord, help.
And the turkey came.
And the turkey had a translator.
Okay.
I don't mean like a person, I mean like a device.
Oh, sure.
And it communicated with me and actually led me to safety.
so I couldn't possibly touch the giblets of a turkey
after what it's done for me.
I married a turkey after that.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, so what you're asking is...
Well, and I forgot to mention this is the turkey that you married,
so that would probably be awkward.
I understand.
My heart's broken and my tears are streaming, but I can't.
Well, if you could just put your eyeballs over the turkey,
it would help brine the turkey, the tears will.
I can't
I told you I was married to a turkey
now I'm single
I'm not going to touch the gaveless of my dead spouse
okay
alright
I guess I'll stuff that bird myself
I'm calling the police
bye
hey Jenna
do you have a second?
can I talk to you?
oh sure
I was injured
You can probably tell most of my arms are in full body casts.
Yeah, I can see that.
I can't do anything with them.
Touchdown.
That's so funny.
That is funny.
That's a good one.
I'd high five you, but I can't move.
I can come to you.
Oh, nice.
Ow.
I was wondering, could you take my socks and shoes off and rub my feet?
Because the doctor said that the muscles are going to atrophy in my foot.
and just so you know on one of my feet i only have a big toe and a pinky you think it would
look weird but it's kind of cool um it's not a touchdown situation so uh wait so you your feet
are going to atrophy because your arms are in casts because i can't move because the cast actually is
is is fastened at the base of my spine it's hard to explain because you probably are
not versed in I'm castless final lore yeah yeah um anyway I'm ready uh I I would um except uh
when I was um you know when kindergarten like they get you early with those like
those dare to keep kids off drugs pledges or whatever where they have you like sign stuff
um yeah yeah i know um well i they got me early with a different kind of pledge
i signed one of those um i i signed a thing where i'm not allowed to touch toes except for outside
of the context of doing this little piggy went to market and it has to be just for that like you
can't use that as an excuse to touch toes it's like the the contract is like it's it's airtight
I've had lawyers look at it and I just, I'm sorry, I can't.
Are you lying?
No, I'm not.
This is dead serious.
Do you want me to pull out the contract?
I have the contract right here.
Yeah, show it to me.
Yeah, it's right here.
Why do you have it with you?
Because I carry it with me everywhere because people are constantly asking me to touch their toes.
Okay.
And I'm sorry.
I just, I can't do it right now.
I'm sorry.
until I can track down that little piggy winter market dealer
that came to our school that long ago.
I'm just stuck.
I'm sorry.
Is there any exception for a touchdown feed?
Oh, no, no.
It's actually specifically it says after official review,
the ruling on the field is reversed, no touchdown.
Okay, I guess I'll just.
They made it whimsy.
I don't know why they made it whimsical, but they did,
and it still holds up in court.
What school did you go to?
Okay, well, you're the only neighbor around here for 10 miles,
so I guess I'll just...
I'm sorry, just lose those feet then, I guess.
I mean, who's going to know, though, is my question.
I also signed a thing where I'm constantly under surveillance.
It was weird that they had a six-year-old do this,
but it's legally binding, so I would, but I can't.
I'm sorry.
it's it's the difference between you having feet and me going to jail so i'm real sorry i could bail
you out no it's specifically a no bail how starting ow well oh my toes good luck with that buddy help
oh i just gotta write something in my diary jenna is a bitch uh sorry i can't help uh
Who am I supposed to hear that?
I actually have a favor.
I was hoping to ask both of you guys.
Oh, okay.
I'm doing an adult recorder recital just for fun.
I joined a group, and we're having our concert in a couple weeks,
and everyone in the class is going to invite their parents to be there.
but obviously I can't invite my parents because they're both deathly allergic to hearing the
recorder. Yeah. So I was wondering if you guys could attend the adult recorder recital.
What night is it? Thursday. Oh, I can't, I can't do it Thursday. I, um, I, I'm sorry. I,
I, that's the day that I promised the mayor, he's got this huge project where he wants to turn all the roads into railroads so that people don't get to car wrecks.
And I promised I would help him lay the track.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know you were the mayor.
I, oh, yeah.
Yeah, we're, he thinks we're closer than we actually are.
Like, he thinks I'm one of his best friends.
He kind of annoys me a little bit, if we're being quite honest.
But whatever, I made this promise.
Why are you laying track for him then if he annoys you Because he asked me he gave me this special honor of throwing out the very first pitch the ceremonial pitch at the local farm league team game
And the whole town was there.
And right before he handed me the ball and I was already committed to this and I was really excited to throw out that ceremonial first pitch,
he looked at me and he's like but before we throw this pitch everybody I want you to know
Jenna is amazing she's offered to lay down track to make all of our roads railroads
and she's doing it Thursday and there's no getting out of it everyone give Jenna a big
round of applause so the whole town basically he committed me in front of everybody and I can't get
out of it because then it's like then i'm because the town's really excited for this project and so
otherwise otherwise i'd be there for sure i would totally be there but francis can probably go
yikes um here's the thing when i was a child i was in an accident that involved my tongue
and it stopped the ability of my tongue to produce moisture.
And see how dry that was?
And all I wanted to do as a child was to play the recorder
and I was about to before the accident.
Then I couldn't.
Also, it stopped my lips from being able to do the perfect recorder shape.
So I'm in therapy now for recorder jealousy.
And although I've made significant progress,
I'm not ready to see people living my dream,
especially adults, with a recorder.
Because I'm sure you have a nice plastic one.
I actually collect them still.
I go home every night and I touch them.
And sometimes I hire sex workers to play the recorder.
And then go home.
But I'm not ready to see you doing it as a hobby.
no Francis I have good news for you
I spoke with your therapist just this morning
and your therapist said
it's time for some exposure therapy
and that going to record her
exposure therapy
that so
she can't talk about me like that
that was a violation of my medical records
no no remember you signed over
power of attorney to me
oh yeah
after the turkey incident you said
you didn't want to be responsible for yourself anymore
I didn't think you were going to abuse it like this.
That's not abuse.
I'm helping you, see?
You wouldn't have gone,
and this is clearly the most important thing
that could help you right now.
Oh, you're right.
You said it's at a school, though?
Yeah.
This is kind of a funny story.
I accidentally, I was picking up my nephew from school one day,
but I forgot what he looked like,
and I accidentally abducted the wrong kid.
As a result, I'm not allowed to go there.
Well, I actually spoke to the police.
The statute of limitations is up on that abduction
because the child is now over the age of 18,
and he got a big laugh out of it.
So as an adult, he signed a waiver saying,
no, no, no, in retrospect, that wasn't an abduction.
So you're free to be near schools again.
And Jenna greased the mayor a little bit too.
Oh, my God, thank you for saying mayor.
You just reminded me of the mayor's head was blown off this morning.
I forgot to tell you.
Oh, no.
So your afternoon just cleared up.
Oh, no, because I helped the mayor draft his will,
and he said in the event of my untimely death,
nothing is more important to me than making the roads railroads.
So I can't, and he's putting it in his will that no matter what,
on Thursday, this project must go on.
Oh, that's lucky.
no it's really very unlucky for the mayor
yeah well he was unpopular
and it's unlucky for me
because I want to go to your recorder concert
I really want to
oh boy
you know what I literally
just this moment
remembered
tell me
I just remembered
that I had
I don't know if you know this but I've had prophetic dreams
in the past I try not to
put too much stock in them
but
they all come true. And last night, I dreamed that if I hear a recorder, my eardrums will explode
and as will my eyes and as will my eardrums of one friend who's unknown to me.
Could be any one of you. So to protect you and me.
No, I mean, I get it. I told you my parents are deathly allergic to hearing the sound of recorders.
They're the same way.
Proof of my dream.
Sure.
Well.
Look, I know you two would never lie to me.
No.
If you can't make it, I know it's because you tried to move heaven and hell, but you couldn't make it work.
And it's fine.
I understand.
Thank you.
Good friend.
Good man.
Jolly good man.
Hey, Jenna and Joe.
Yeah.
I am doing this pyramid scheme
where I have to sign up to donate my organs
and I only get the money
we're selling them now
if I get two friends to agree to donate their organs as well
don't worry though, it's after you die
so no harm on you
I'm sure you're eager to help out a lot of people
So just sign here and we'll be good.
Ooh, I would.
But I, here's the thing.
No.
You know Stephen Hawking?
Uh-huh.
He's dead.
I know, I know.
Well, only kind of.
They're keeping him on ice.
and I promise to donate everything to him already when I die.
They're going to reanimate Stephen Hawking.
But do you really think one person should get all your organs?
Do you think it's fair to spread it out?
Yes, because then it's better if it's just all from one person.
I'm sorry.
He explained it when he was still alive.
He said it way better and more mechanically.
But I would, but I can't because they're already problems.
Because you, okay.
I can't really argue with that, but I will say he was actually my godfather, Stephen Hawking.
And right before he was cryogenically frozen, he told me that he would never take the organs of a woman.
He was a huge misogynist.
Yes, yes.
It actually, he even said the phrase to me last resort.
So I know you're doing something noble, but I couldn't let, I couldn't let you go forward
knowing he didn't really want them.
So now that you know, he doesn't really want them and there's other people that are going
to be way more grateful.
I'm sure you're going to change your mind.
Here's the thing though.
He thought that I was a man because I was doing a Victor Victoria thing.
and it's been my dream to successfully trick a misogynist into taking my organs even though
I'm a lady and so if I don't put them inside Stephen Hawking then I my dream won't be fulfilled
and then but then they'll all then everything inside of me actually dies anyway and then none
of it's usable so I have to fulfill this
dream
I'm so sorry I can't
don't feel bad about this
you know how it is it's a Victor Victoria thing I gotta do it
I understand
but what you don't know is that
as he lay dying I had a
ruler and a
body measuring tape and
I measured
his organ cavities
and yours are just not gonna fit
they don't fit
here's the other thing though
is that
his insides are made of rubber
naturally
so they can expand and contract as needed to fit
oh I forgot all British people's internal organ cavities are
was he British? I don't know
it's hard to tell without an accent
it's hard to tell
so
but Joe could probably do it
oh okay
hey Joe
you're cool right
one person is better than no people
I'm sure I can still get some points
alright
there you go
wait
are you implying with your accent
that your organs are rubbery
or what are we doing here
yeah
I feel him snishing and strushing in there right now
well there was no
there was no um
hey I got a yes
Why am I fighting a yes?
I don't know.
God bless you.
Well, I guess when you get a yes, that's the end of Excuse Me.
Oh!
Consider yourself excused.
Well, sorry about that, Frances, but I'd love to help you out, but I just couldn't have.
So, anyway.
It's not your fault.
You're selfish with your organs.
No, I'm very specifically not
You're giving him all to one person
Yeah, sorry
It's okay
Oh, just in, his body was burned into a cryogenic facility fire
But hey, what do I know?
I'm just some godson
Yeah, well, I guess we'll never know
Unless, and we'll never find out the answer
Unless, for whatever reason, that's the big question
the question is very big oh i hope it's not the big question i also don't have one i hope you
this is the point in the show every week where i go um francis please tell me you have a big question
yep okay that side to side eye look i do though i do you know how some people get murdered i do
know that yeah i was thinking you know that film a perfect murder with michael douglas and gwyneth
paltrow yes i did see it i'm trying to remember it all you need to know is he plotted to have his
wife murdered okay i was thinking yeah what would you do if you found out that your spouse and i
knew your spouse would never do this but hypothetically yeah if you're married to a
different man. Okay. A monster
man. Yeah. And you found out he wanted
to, he had a plot to murder you.
A turkey even.
A turkey with giblets even.
How would you
counteract his murder plan
and murder him instead?
Okay.
Do I know what the plan is?
You just know he hired a hitman.
Okay.
Yikes.
am I right?
Ugh.
Hitmen, boy.
What are we gonna do?
Are they still around?
Yeah, they are.
Necessary evil.
You know, that's what I think.
Are they?
You know, quick aside,
I used to play Grand Theft Auto
when I was a kid.
Yeah.
And then one time I was like,
oh, what do you want to be
when you grow up?
And I was like,
I want to be an assassin.
And he got so mad.
Why?
That's a lofty goal.
Also, they're freelance.
You have so much freedom.
You can go anywhere.
Yeah.
You get to travel,
see the world.
Yeah, you're a 1099.
Yeah.
You're like looking at the dolomites as you're like choking at someone.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
Lovely weather that time of year.
That time of year we didn't specify.
Yep, correct.
I only take contracts when the weather's good.
Yeah, you're a snowbird assassin.
That needs to be a movie immediately.
Okay.
Well, I'm...
Okay.
I would, first of all, get the hitman to work for me.
I would tell him...
The one who your husband hired?
Yes.
Yeah.
I would find out about the hitman and I would be like, hitman, I got a deal for you.
Wait, how'd you find out?
oh i didn't know i didn't tell you how i found out okay i'm sorry i'm just so curious he um
he uh
left an outgoing recording message and um i had our app installed the one that records outgoing
messages you know so you could know what you said later didn't we sell that on the pod we sold it
on the pod and I thank god I can't remember anymore uh it was um drunk dial yeah so he I
installed that on his phone and I cloned his phone because I I had a feeling he was up to something
you know he's been distant I at first I just thought it was just run-of-the-mill cheating
maybe a gambling habit.
That'd be nice.
Yeah, so that's why I installed the other app,
the proximity alert one that you invented.
Wife alert.
You can tell how many hot people are around him.
Yes.
And then, so anyway, I had his phone totally monitored,
and I hear his outgoing message
where he lays the whole plot out in voicemail,
like an idiot anyway with a price even I know but then he also says but I'm negotiable uh you can
and so it's like okay well if he's negotiable then this hitman has got to be like yeah I'll
he's probably negotiable too right so I contact the hitman I'm like hey sorry to deal with that
moron. Here's what we're going to do. You work for me now. And we are going to put a hit on my
husband instead. Here's how it's going to work. Well, you said this in person, not over the phone
because you're smart. Oh yeah. I'm not an idiot. Yeah. No phones around, not even in. Yeah. But
how'd you get ahold of the, did you wait for him to come and kill you or did you find him? I mean,
I uh well with the wife alert I knew where they were when they finally did meet up in person you
were right remember when you challenged my the flaw in my plan I know but it it tracked his phone
and you were right it did work uh and hitman was hot so that thing was going off like crazy so
I like wait till my husband left then I uh talked to the hitman I'm like first of all good news
you hot because this thing was going off like crazy great news you hot Just in case you were wondering the app confirmed it And then he was like great I hate working with idiots
You're clearly smarter than your husband.
I'd rather kill him than you.
Boom, bingo, bingo, bongo, we're in.
And hot hit man to get over the dead husband.
I mean, even if he said, no, I'm still going to kill you.
Wouldn't it be nice to be killed by someone hot?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, way better than being killed by just an average looking person.
Some warty toad.
So then I have this plan.
I was like, okay, you look like you'd be a good master of disguise.
And he's like, I am.
That's part of my hitman MO is disguises.
I've got spirit gum on me at all times.
uh and so i was like i knew you would so i was like my husband is looking for a new therapist
and he's like i got you covered i know i can see where you're going with this so
i was like he has a crazy fear of clowns and his last therapist told him just try to avoid clowns
like, and he's like, that doesn't help. I'm dreaming about clowns. It's getting weird.
And anyway, so they're all around me all the time. I can't do anything about it. So you need
to be the new therapist. So we set up a fake office, a therapist's office. The hit man
dressed up. He looks very Freudian. Like he looks like Freud. Um, then my husband,
so he kind of trusts him because my husband's like Stephen Hawking, also a misogynist.
He had a previously, he had a lady therapist, didn't trust her. So now he's like, I know.
So he comes home all excited and he's like, honey, you'll never guess my therapist, Austrian
and a man like, just like Freud. And, um, so it was like, great, honey, great. And you should
really like respect whatever he says and do whatever he says. So after like weeks and weeks
go by of therapy, intensive therapy. Finally, uh, the hit man, uh, gets to the point where
he convinces my husband to go to a circus and he takes my husband to a circus and there's like
freaking out cause the clowns were around, but then he finally gets through it. And it's like
every week he takes him to a circus again. And finally it's like getting better and better.
and my husband's feeling better about being around clowns.
And so finally the hitman, the Freudian hitman,
he says, hey, you know what?
You're almost completely cured.
There's only one thing left for you to do.
Get into the clown car with a bunch of clowns.
And my husband's like, no, no, that's too much.
They pack them into that clown car.
I can't do it.
And he's like, you can do it.
You can.
And you're going to.
So my husband is like panicking, panicking, freaking out.
But he's like, look, this is it.
You could be cured after this.
Did that female therapist ever promise to cure you?
Ooh, bringing up the, yeah, that's smart.
And so then my husband is like, no, you're right.
We're doing this for the boys, for the men out there.
Yeah, because he could have even said, oh, I talked to your female therapist
and she didn't think you could do this.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Just to really twist that knife.
Yeah.
So then the hitman was like, and also, you're doing this all on your own.
And he was like, no, you've got to be there with me.
And he's like, I can't be there with you.
You've got to do this on your own.
So my husband goes to the circus.
That point in the circus, you know,
when they ask for a volunteer to get to the clown car.
Every circus does it.
He raises his hand.
And now what he doesn't know, head clown is my husband.
Or not my husband, my hit man.
Head clown is the hit man in new makeup.
So he gets to choose.
So there's all these like little kids like pick me, pick me.
He's starting to love those things.
Yeah, he's like finally like, oh, I'm coming around.
so the hitman aka the clown now is like he does a slow point and he goes you he points at my
husband my husband the spotlight comes on my husband and then my husband's like well i can't
believe this actually like i'm gonna be doing this i'm gonna be doing this and then he gets
he kind of reluctantly comes down and like everyone's cheering for him and he's like getting
built up and he's like yeah i'm gonna do this i'm gonna make this work so then the head clown goes
please you get in first we get in around you uh and so then my husband
okay why does he say it seductively we get in around he's a hot hit man he can't turn it off
okay he can't turn it off it's not his fault i don't i mean trust me you wouldn't want him to
it's part of his training yeah uh so my husband gets in this tiny little like tiny little car
and then the head clown's like,
don't worry, I'll be right next to you.
But head clown is the hitman.
How did he manage that?
He's a really good hitman.
Inside his nose...
No, you guys, I'm doing something.
Inside his nose is...
His red nose or his real nose?
His red nose.
Inside his red nose.
His little fit nose?
His...
That nose?
If you squeeze it, a little needle comes out.
A little needle comes out.
Needle?
Yeah, like a tiny little needle comes out, and it's imperceptible.
It's like real quick, like it punctures the skin, but it's got poison on the end of it.
And so all the clowns are packed into the car, and it's all real close.
My husband's right next to the hitman.
And then the hitman says, the car won't start.
Until you squeeze my nose.
So my husband, he's in it now.
He's like, I've got to do this.
I've got to prove that female therapist wrong.
So he grabs the clown nose, honks it, makes the noise.
Huh?
His skin is punctured, but he doesn't feel it.
Because of the adrenaline.
Yes.
And now the thing about the poison that's in this is it's a slow-acting poison.
And at first, it creates this sense of euphoria.
And so then my husband is on top of the world.
It's a proprietary poison.
He's very good.
He's on top of the world and he's in this clown car and the clown car is going around the rings of the circus.
And everyone's cheering and laughing and then they all get out of the car.
And my husband and the head clown, a.k.a. the hitman, he gives my husband his big moment.
And he's like, and a big thanks, a big thanks to Richard or Dick, as I call him.
big thanks to Richard.
And then Richard's standing there with his arms up
and he's like, I can't believe it.
I did it.
I'm cured.
I'm euphoric.
And then, so he gets into his car
and he's rushing home.
And he's rushing home to come tell me what happened.
And he's still feeling euphoric,
but then something starts to happen
and then he's like,
oh, I'm getting a little sleepy now.
I'm getting a little sleepy.
And it's like, so he starts kind of slowing down a little bit.
And he's going through an intersection.
And then the hitman T-bones him.
And then he dies.
Covering all his bases.
Nice.
Yeah.
I just had one question.
Yeah.
When the hitman was the therapist, how did the husband not recognize him?
Because of the makeup.
He's a makeup artist.
Oh, okay.
He's a makeup artist.
Remember, he has spirit gum with him at all times.
What does that have to do with anything?
Because that's how much of a makeup artist he is.
He's ready at any moment to put on a fake mustache or a wig.
Wait, is that a kind of gum?
Yeah, it's like theater.
It's like spirit gum is for putting on hair.
Oh, it's not for chewing?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not like Spirit Airlines.
It's like the stuff that you use to fix a fake beard onto your cell.
Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, and then you're free to sleep with him.
The Hitman?
Oh, yeah.
You said he was hot.
Now you're single.
Now I'm single, so.
Thank you, Jenna.
Two missions accomplished.
That was beautiful.
Yeah.
So that's how I'd do it.
That's how I did do it, in fact.
I'm just glad you survived.
Thank you.
Me too.
Hitman's happy too.
What you forgot to mention was that when he was T-boned,
his car spun off and hit my car
and killed me
because I was on my way to Joe's recorder
concert. Oh, and that's
why you can't make it. And Joe's looking
out in the audience for his
new dad
and he's not there.
I knew you weren't going to pull through so I just
hired some of
your sex workers.
Thank you.
I have to say, they're expensive
but they're worth it. And professional.
Very.
Well, sounds like we've answered the big question.
The big question.
Yeah.
Well, there's only one thing left to do.
Francis, secret words time.
Ooh.
Secret words.
This is going to be exciting.
Okay.
I have some guesses.
Okay, let's hear them.
Oh, I'm scared.
Okay, well, the first one I wrote down was pneumatic.
I knew you were going to.
And you said no?
No.
Okay.
I feel like we've done this before with the word pneumatic.
One of us has said it, and then the other one's like, that's not my word.
Okay.
And then we're like, sure, Jan.
Scribble, scribble.
Is your word combed?
No.
You just like combed ponies.
You know what I mean by combed ponies, right?
The most combed.
Yeah.
Combed as in like well-groomed.
Well-
I know, but it's just a sort of weird way to say that.
I've never heard that phrase.
before the most combed pony the most combed pony you also said it like like you made it sound
like the combing was the pony's reward for being the best pony it's a part of it don't you want to
be combed okay all right so it's not combed no yikes i really hope it's not organs because i
said organs uh it's not organs but i wish it was you and you said that a whole bunch and i was like
I tried really hard to not say organs and then I accidentally said it once.
Oof, oof, oof, badoof.
Is it prophetic?
No.
Ugh.
You really just do have prophetic dreams?
I've had two.
Okay.
Well, those are...
I have a...
The only guess I have left is for your decoy word.
Okay.
So I'm going to guess your decoy word.
Let's hear it.
Tongue?
No.
Oh!
That one I thought I might have been able to guess.
Okay.
What were your words?
My word was improvised.
That's bullshit.
This is an improvised podcast.
I'm sorry, it's a what podcast, Jenna?
No, it doesn't.
No, no, no.
I agree.
I agree with you on that.
Thank you.
But I think it's fine because we don't normally say that.
That's not like a word we use all the time in our podcast.
That would be like the word being comedy or podcast.
I don't know.
I feel like that's a little, all right, fine, fine.
But you didn't lose any points.
No, but.
You didn't say it until just now.
You said improvise.
So.
You said improvising.
Yeah.
Whatever.
So you're good.
All right.
Man, imagine the fight she would have thrown if she'd said it.
That would have, oh.
That was like me with overstimulation.
Like Jesus in the temple, just flip this table over.
Did he do that?
Jesus said, get out of my house.
Jesus got mad?
Yeah.
Anyway, all right, what was your decoy word?
Yikes.
When did you say that?
I feel like you say that all the time.
I said it numerous times.
That's a word you say often in real life.
I've never said it on the pod.
But you say it all the time in real life.
Ooh, yikes.
I feel like I hear you say that all the time.
What are we doing here?
What do you want me to say?
Got my words.
I played my part.
Yikes.
Oh, all right.
Here we go.
See, even you doing it just then sounded natural to me because it sounds like something you would say.
Yikes.
Just do it.
Here we go.
All right.
I've got some guesses.
Okay.
Starboard.
No.
I saw you write that one down.
Tootsies.
Nope.
I really do like toasty tootsies.
I hope this isn't it because I said it once.
Circus.
No.
And I saw you write it down and then I saw you say circus and then you went like to yourself.
Where you were like, God, no, what did I do?
Clowns.
Nope.
Freudian.
Nope.
Railroad.
Nope.
Tracks.
Nope.
Mayor.
No.
Imperceptible.
No.
Euphoria.
No.
you were really close to my decoy word and i'm really pissed that you didn't
say it correctly because i definitely did not say railroad i said road roads
yay that was your decoy that was my decoy francis is safe oh that's annoying to me oh
Thank goodness.
Saved by singularity.
Yikes.
No, so railroads was my decoy word.
And my actual word was schmooze.
You said that in a real weird way.
Say it how you said it.
I said, don't make Joe schmooze himself.
Because when you were saying Joe, say, how could you?
Or like, whatever.
Oh, that is weird.
Why didn't I pick up on that?
I don't know.
but thank goodness you didn't
why couldn't you have just
remembered how I said railroads
how I pluralized it
I ignore the S that's just my way
oh
well okay
hey no one got screwed
I feel like I got screwed you got improvised
and yikes
didn't I have a really crabby one
once and to be fair
I did complain about it so yeah
you're fine okay thank you
all right well i guess better luck next time for both of us yikes uh thanks for listening yikes
yeah see you say it and it sounded normal i'm just improvised oh i hate you but i love you listeners
bye