I've taken a few yoga classes lately, not trying to be like a yogi or anything, just
trying it out.
And one thing that they do in yoga is they're very breath focused, right?
Uh-huh.
So it's a lot of like inhale, like exhale through the mouth.
And then like everyone in the class just goes, right?
Like it's like, so the other day I was in class and the old woman next to me, I don't
know what she thought the exhale was supposed to sound like, but it was like a, everybody
breathing through your nose.
It was like she was expelling a demon or something.
Maybe she did.
She sounded like a deranged horse every single time.
It was like.
It was so funny.
You think as if it was me and I let that noise out the first time and then no one else did it?
No, she did.
It's not happening again.
No, this was clearly not like her first class because she had her like own like mat set up.
and yeah just it's like i made this old broads just oh this is her game she's trying to make
happen yeah like she's going out every studio in town like
she sounded like a horse i can't replicate i wish i i wish i had recording of it uh it was funny
though and it was taking me out of it in a fun way i'm glad i was taken out of yoga that way
because she was distracting to me.
Did you know that I got asked to leave a Pilates class once?
No.
Because somebody farted and I laughed and I couldn't stop laughing.
And so I had to go.
They asked you to leave?
Yeah, that was loud.
That was, yeah.
I feel like if I was the person, I mean, if it's someone laughing,
it's like, oh, okay, like we're human beings.
We can all laugh at things, right?
I mean, I'm not, I don't not understand why I had to go, but yeah.
I feel like if I was the person who did that, and then you were asked to leave because of that,
I would feel even more uncomfortable about what had happened.
Well, I wish she'd been there to fart.
Me too, Francis.
Me too.
Welcome to Friends Like Us, a podcast where friends talk about stuff.
um how are you francis sorry i caught you mid-siv of water it's okay we're promoting
water now i've only had some water
does your grandma sound like this she needs more water go from boom to
water that was our ad read for water water we'll find a way to make money on it later
oh we're making money on it yeah no drinking water not paying us if you drink water and you
haven't paid us god help you and violence to come your way yes yeah it's gonna be old testament
style.
Wrath will be
raining down upon you.
Guys, don't drink water
unless you pay us first. That's all
we're asking. I think they get it.
They get it. Our listeners are good.
They wouldn't
drink water. No. They're good people.
No. Thirsty, paying people.
Salt of the earth
and the salt makes them thirsty.
They're thirsty.
Quick interruption. Every week on the podcast, our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own
secret word. Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word
into our conversation without the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess
the secret word, they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points. And
then we get a prize, whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is vouching.
Francis's secret word is legwork.
Back to the podcast.
Well, I think it's time to get to our first segment.
I think it's time for the invention of the week.
Inventions.
i was thinking about this earlier and i think you're gonna love this great i know i say that
every time and you're right every time yeah the invention is
you know how you have to get your hair cut i do you know how annoying it is i do how expensive it
is i do not anymore oh i have invented a pair of gloves that you put on and it's a like a virtual
reality okay and it controls robot hands that you stand in front of okay so you can actually
give yourself your own salon cut
so
so i'm cutting my own hair essentially yeah i see one major flaw in this
i'm not good at cutting hair not at first but it comes with a booklet okay but but i'm
experimenting on myself well no because there's a tester bob okay so it comes with a mannequin head
with hair that's exactly like my hair now
so that I can practice my haircut.
Will there be an option to record the practice
just in case I nail it right out of the gate?
Can you just in general record the session
so you don't have to constantly do it again?
Yes, and I neglected to mention a really nice feature of this invention
is you first type in what you're going for
or how you want it to look.
And as you start to make the cut, the gloves will vibrate if you're going off track.
Okay.
Another question.
Why not just program the haircut directly to the robot hands?
Why do my hands need to be involved?
The relationship between a stylist and a customer is hard to break.
and I think it'll be a good opportunity for people to connect with themselves.
Talk to themselves.
So I have to be making awkward small talk with myself.
And responding.
Okay.
I don't know how I feel about this.
Are you picturing it though?
Yes.
I'm picturing the listeners at home can't see what my hands are doing.
But they're going to work.
They're going to town.
Yeah, and then behind you, imagine how cool it would feel to be in control of your own haircut.
It's like driving your own car.
I don't know that it is.
You're right.
It'd be like driving a car behind you.
Kind of.
And I don't know if I would be good at that.
I'm really worried.
I don't think you understand.
I don't even like cutting wrapping paper.
That's how bad I am.
I can't get an even cut to save my life.
I don't think I'd be good on my own hair.
Well, put on gloves next time.
Next time I do wrapping paper?
Yeah.
He's in.
That was the problem?
I was direct skin to scissor contact?
I find that gloves solve a lot of problems.
What other problems have gloves solved for you?
Well, not me, but OJ.
That's true.
They didn't solve any problems for Nicole Brown and the other guy.
Ron?
Am I making that up?
No, I think that sounds right.
Sorry, other guy.
If you're listening, we know you are.
Sorry, maybe Ron.
Yeah.
You know, you can't please everyone.
Yeah.
So.
And there's other glove victories.
Glove compartment.
That's a really good victory for gloves.
Ron Goldman.
Ron Goldman I'm sorry
when you're listening to this up in heaven
forgive me for not remembering your name
have a drink of water for free on us
this one's on us kid
sorry you got murdered
here's some water
okay so you back to the invention these robot okay they will only be able to cut hair
You look so frustrated that I'm not embracing your vision.
I was preparing to contemplate the question.
Okay.
So you're saying what now?
Well, I mean, theoretically, you're just saying these are gloves and then robot hands do whatever your gloves say.
Yeah.
Now, you could put the scissors in the hands because guess what these hands can also do?
what massage with the scissors no it's our murder robot you you take the scissors out of the hands
and you put it in massage mode click and then you can massage yourself okay so like when you get a
when you go to get your hair cut and then like they're washing your hair and then they give you
like the scalp massage absolutely okay yeah i mean i think that is probably a more beneficial feature
than giving yourself a haircut.
What if on the screen in front of you,
it simulated the steps?
So you're worried because you're not classically trained.
Yes.
But now it's showing you step by step which strains to cut.
Will it also give me step by step words to say
for awkward conversation?
Yes, and how to steer away from things
you don't want to talk about with you.
Yeah.
Oh, you have a daughter, right?
Oh, sorry, a son.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a button for a blow dryer sound to kick in right there.
That's perfect.
Yeah.
Okay.
I still think everything but a haircut would be good for these robot hands.
Well, you might have just named this thing.
Everything but a haircut?
Yeah.
Did you have another name in mind?
the best I could come up with is
um
me's or hands
like scissor with me
like Sid with scissor hands but
me because it's doing things for you
ah yes
or
that's more of a tagline
I was thinking like the gloves are on
very good
gloves are off
very good
yay
whose kid is this
you did it
you strung a thought together
okay
I still feel like
if you can
it feels like the hands
are given
you've got like training wheels for your hands
it feels more like a teaching aid
than anything like functional
like if it's like vibrating and telling you
like when you're making a mistake
I feel like this is a good way to learn
No, that's just so you get better at cutting your own hair.
But then, why not just, well, who cares?
If you don't have to interact with another human being, who cares?
Just have the robot cut your hair.
Just input the hairstyle, and then just the robot does it.
And your hands can sit there unfettered, ungloved.
Ungloved.
I actually like that idea.
I'm willing to pivot.
Okay.
So now, all right, we're pivoting to.
It's the robot that cuts your hair.
okay sexy
and massages you
and massages you yes
does it it would be really funny
if the robot used one of those like little
handheld massagers still like they use
at the salon can't use its own fingers
no it's still gonna strap
something on and massage you with that
okay so is it now called
ungloved
no glove
again that's more of a tagline
no glove yes love
yeah yes love that's kind of cute yeah it's always a little british yes love yes love is it a full
robot or is it just hands just hands it's like a box of hands box of fans you open the box and the
hands come out like a jack in the box if they're like getting out oh oh wait climbing out like
creepy stuff like no they could they'll wave they're not there to be creepy okay they can also
get bugs think about that these hands can do it all they can get bugs you know like oh my god
there's a bug oh okay not like like a a bug like a computer bug oh i see why you thought that
like a earth bug oh there's a bug and then it just kind of climbs down from its perch and then run
like yeah does a little hand over to it yeah it has like a laser pointer and you
pointed on the bug
and then knows where to go. Like thing?
Is it like thing from Adam's family?
A little hand?
Well, that's their thing.
Adam's family, we're not trying
to take your thing.
We need more arm. I think we need
up to the elbow.
Up to the elbow.
Another great name.
The names really, there's no end of
good names.
Yeah.
I really feel like this is
going to be a very niche product
you wouldn't buy that in Sharper Image?
are they still around?
I hope so
where else do kids go in the mall and get massages?
is Brookstone still around?
yeah it's gotta be
yeah I hope Sharper Image is too
I think they had the original robot dog
you think?
I think so
bless him
thanks for everything you've done
If you're out there, we're looking for sponsors.
Yeah.
And Brookstone.
Don't stay quiet either.
Yeah.
We'll take both of you.
And I don't think there'll be any conflict of interest there.
No, not at all.
And SkyMall.
SkyMall will take you too.
Oh, I loved SkyMall.
Loved?
Is SkyMall gone too?
It's gone.
Oh.
I mean, at least in the Plains, it's gone.
I don't know if there's still.
Why would they still be publishing if it's not in Plains?
Well, I mean, it was a website that sold shit.
So hopefully they still sell them.
I'm having a memory.
of a giant
crossword
from SkyMall Magazine.
I didn't own it. I just saw it in there.
It was just a
humongous crossword.
You put it on the wall.
And then you're just stuck with it forever?
Maybe it wasn't a crossword. It was something big.
Something to do with words.
It was a dictionary.
A giant dictionary.
Yeah.
Okay. Alright.
No glove, yes love.
Just think on it.
All right, folks, go to friendslikeuspod.com
and pick one of these bad boys up.
Or go to skymall.com and see if it's...
It might be there by now.
They're probably already working on this idea,
but we had it first.
Yeah, we should work with them.
I would do that in a heartbeat.
Are you kidding?
You could be the main product guy for skymall.
I could.
You really could.
I feel like every invention you have is a SkyMall invention.
Thank you.
I choose to accept that as a compliment.
Okay, well, SkyMall, if you're looking for a new head inventor, I'm vouching for Francis.
He can do this.
Tinker sounds, tinker sounds.
Oh, my God, look what I did.
Oh, the lab.
He's in the lab right now.
Well, all right.
I think this has been another fantastic invention of the week.
Let's close it up.
Thanks, babe.
It's really good.
Yeah.
We're going to notice immediately the people that have been using this.
Yeah, they're going to be so well cut and so well rested.
Yeah.
Because of their massages.
Yeah, we're probably going to see an uptick of stylists looking for work.
Ooh.
Do you think the stylists are going to come after you?
Does anyone really go after anyone?
Usually people just take it.
Stylus feel like a vindictive bunch.
And I don't mean that necessarily in a bad way, stylus.
Yeah.
If you're listening and I know you are stylus.
The best possible way you can be vindictive.
Well, in a, like, we're not going to let you, we're not going to let you come for us kind of a way.
In a standing up for themselves kind of a way.
You're, I could see that.
I'm just saying that to be nice to our stylus listeners.
I actually do think.
They're a vindictive bunch.
They could just move into dying.
they can move into dying like this color oh
that's well that's harsh i'm out to make money you know that living you're doing move on to dying
because there will never be a robot invented to dye hair and you can't do anything else after
you've done this one job.
Nothing left to do but die.
Well, I think we have
an idea for next week's
invention of the week.
We'll see.
A robot that dies.
And then the week
out of that,
a robot that kills
stylus.
All right.
We've got another
segment to do.
This is a little segment
we like to call
Grandpa's a monster.
No context.
Hey there, sonny.
It your grandpa the monster So in this segment we will be telling beloved childhood memories
And the other person not telling the memory will try to sabotage that memory with fake details,
ruining the memory forever.
francis do you have anything beloved from your childhood i do so i had a grandpa sure um and
when i was young i don't know the exact age probably middle school around there he used to
take me out to the movie theater um and we would go see a movie but he was very old by that time
and he was kind of like he would move kind of slow and so we would go see this movie and then
afterward he would want to movie hop he'd be like come on we're gonna go sneak into another movie
The problem is he was like moving so slow that it was like so obvious what we were doing.
And like, it probably was kind of cute, I guess.
He's like, he would literally like turn back and be like, come on, come on.
And I was like ringing with shame because I was embarrassed.
And I would like follow my grandpa into like the next movie.
So we would spend all day like seeing like three or four movies.
so you probably didn't know that you were actually your grandpa's drug mule
oh the bottom of your popcorn bucket lined with cocaine is that why he always snatched it away
yeah yeah he did and the slow moving was actually code to the other people in the theater did you
ever notice that a lot of people would like go to the bathroom in the theater when your grandfather
would slowly move his way out yeah i was just so happy to be with him i
no this can't be this can't be right i'm sorry what kind of drugs cocaine mostly oh yeah
because the people hadn't had the cocaine yet so they were slow so he didn't want to like
outpace them he's actually quite spry he was he was a very lithe man right up until he died
that doesn't dry with my my personal memory i'm sorry i he had a name right no i mean besides
his real name he had a nickname well what was it it was he was the harkins horker the harkins
horker yeah he used to work drugs all over harkins i've never heard the phrase hork
it's a pretty common phrase in the drug world i've never heard so he was a horker he was a
horker so he only did this at harkins well no he he used to do it he would do it at amc as well
but obviously amc horker doesn't have doesn't have the same ring i would think it'd be something
the stubs oh no they didn't have the stubs program at that time yeah wow i know i'm so sorry no i
mean you were complicit in all of this but are you are you saying that he didn't take me out of love
no honey you were just a really good cover no one's gonna question oh my god mule on mule i know
I know. I'm so sorry. You got a horked big time. The Harkins Horker strikes again.
Well, I'm sure that our other memories are whole.
No. They're horked. Jenna, horked Christmas?
Yeah. Oh, no. That puppy?
No. Full of drugs.
Full of drugs. Just tip-to-tail drugs.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
I'm really sorry.
Wow.
That was meth in the puppies.
Oh, he moved on.
He...
I mean, it was Christmas time, so...
We had to make some extra money from the really desperate people.
Yeah.
Huh.
I'm so sorry.
Well, thank you for telling me this.
I thought you knew, honestly.
We all thought you knew.
Wait a minute.
He was a really hardworking guy.
He used to make pizzas at the pizza shop.
you're telling me that was compromised yeah you know the stuffed crust oh god what was it stuffed
with pcp wow he was did you ever notice people would leave your pizzeria jazzed and they would
just lift cars above their head in a rage that seemed to be unprovoked exactly oh this pizza
I just thought that meant he was such a good pizza man.
No.
He was a terrible pizza man.
Is that why they call him the pizza pusher?
The Oregon's worker and the pizza pusher.
Wow.
Well, he never got caught, so at least things were discreet.
Wait.
You thought he died of natural causes?
What are you saying?
He did.
It was a hail of bullets from the cops, you see.
How'd they get him to look like tumors?
I know, it looked like he had a whole bunch of outside tumors that you could see.
But no, they were inside bullets.
It was a standoff.
How come we didn't notice this? There were so many of us there.
because it was around christmas time and you just thought the blue and red lights were part of the
twinkling decorations i thought they were angels i know and no one wanted to tell you
oh my god i'm so sorry well i'm sure at the very least his beautiful peaceful grave site
is unmolested that tombstone
it's hollowed out
no
it's
filled with
deer urine
which is
a different kind of drug
what does it do
I don't know
people love it
oh
I've never heard of that
I've heard of all the other drugs
sorry this is so hard on you well i didn't want to be the one to have to tell you
but haven't you ever noticed i mean isn't it a little weird when you go to visit his grave
that there's just a line of people there waiting to visit with i thought you were gonna say a line
of deer paying their respects and deer yeah just like pissing all over the grave and what are you
thing happened to Bambi's mom no yep the Harkins Horker got him she he told her if you don't pay
I slay and like grandpa like grandson because now you're doing the same thing with water
for our listeners listeners pay yeah you pay you heard what my family is like you heard what we'll
do you had known francis was a harkins orker descendant oh if anyone's interested in some
dear urine i guess we know that's he's got a whole mausoleum too that's full of it full of it
it's like that scene in the shining but it's deer piss yep wow thanks for um ruining my life i'm so
sorry it's uh it's okay i still i still love him he to be do he did say before dying in the hail of
bullets that he'd grown used to you if that makes you feel any better uh no no that's i think as
much as he was capable of yeah well it's weird because in life he would say i love you so
So it's strange that he would tell someone else he'd grown used to me.
But hey, thanks.
I'm sorry.
Well, what can I say?
Grandpa's a monster.
Oh, that's a good close.
Thank you.
Francis, if you're still, I mean, if you're not reeling too much from that revelation.
I'm okay.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
okay well then i think i think it's time for our final segment the big quest big question
the question is very big okay i have a big question for you francis okay i'll do my best
my whole world was just i know i'm really sorry and this is actually kind of perfect um
my question to you
if you could be
reincarnated
not as a living being
but as a physical object
of any kind
what would you be and why
oh okay I have to be a physical object
yeah it can't be like an animal
you can be like I be a bird and soar through the sky and visit loved ones no it got to be like a physical object I wouldn visit loved ones but okay Well not anymore Not after what I know I know
Grandpa's a monster.
So this is a tough question because...
You'd come back as a deer.
Peeing all over the grave.
You like that, Grandpa?
But they just hear like animal noises.
Yep.
I think this one has rabies.
If I have to be a physical object...
Yep.
This is tricky because I don't want to be thrown away.
Oh, yeah.
So I want to be something that has value.
Yep.
And also, I'm thinking that maybe like a jewel because no one's ever going to throw away a jewel.
And so much goes into like making them or cutting them or whatever.
Like the Lego work's got to be intense on those.
So I'm thinking.
but jewels often get kind of put away for and only brought out on very special occasions.
So you'd be in a drawer in the safe for much of the time.
Oh, and I want to be out in the world.
Yeah.
I want to be out in the world.
An object.
Yeah.
An object.
You know what?
This might be a little stupid, but if I was water, I would never go anywhere.
Certainly not in our listeners now.
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
If you went into Elycer's Mouse for free, Francis, I would kill you.
I wouldn't.
Okay, good.
All right.
Well, right to kill?
I just accepted that.
I'm like, yes.
That's how serious I am about being paid for all the water.
No, you're right.
I give it away.
Yeah.
You just give it away.
But you see what I'm going for, right?
Yes.
Because I heard, I don't know if this is true, all the water that's on Earth, it's like been here.
it's seen it all i mean like it's like you drink it and then you pee it out and then it goes into
the sewer and gets treated or it gets evaporated out like all the water molecules like i'm immortal
would you worry that you'd spend a lot of your time in sewers or inside oh no inside of people
yes now yeah so i can't be water yeah i don't know if water counts as an object
I'll allow water.
If you freeze it, it's ice and that's an object, right?
Right.
If you get your shark toes, your shark foot, that's ice on the end of that.
Go to friendslikeuspod.com to get your shark toes or your foot shark or whatever we ended up naming it.
That was a great product, Pimp.
Yep.
Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait.
A gun.
Ooh.
I cost money
I'm dangerous
I'm sexy
but what if I'm used for a really gross crime
you know
that's the only thing
I'm not one of those fun cool gun crimes
yeah
a t-shirt cannon's a fun one
I don't know how long they last though
I don't want to end up in a landfill
I don't want to be forgotten
I know everything's
that's the thing
everything's gonna be
how about a meteorite
you're just flying through space and then you land on earth yeah and i'm very valuable
what happens wait art this is gonna prove my own stupidity um how what are there meteorites
on earth that are places yeah there's like a meteorite like in a lab somewhere or in a museum
or something well this is gonna prove my ignorance but i don't know i'm glad we're proving our
ignorance both of us have just proved our ignorance i guess i'm picturing like a joe dirt type like
thing giant thing that fell out of the sky you know in joe dirt yes yeah and then it turned out
to not be but he thought it was a meteorite are there things like that that aren't meteorites
that are meteorites yeah yeah meteorites that's why we have the word i'm pretty sure well i mean
i know that but but they come to earth and then now they're on earth it's a meteor yeah and then
it hits and it's a meteorite is what i've been but they hit earth yeah okay hit it hard yeah
pound earth they're also known as earth pounders
that's the fun name that's a cool name yeah or terra slam
terra slams um okay so you'd want to be a meteorite yeah because i'm making impact
okay do you have a uh well i didn't have one in general i just i had the question but i didn't
have my own but hearing you talk it out i would want to be the iceberg that sunk the titanic
because then i get to have this dramatic impact on society and it wasn't your fault
wasn't my fault it was some idiot captain's fault uh i was right ahead and they just rammed right
into me but then i'm still water so i'm still part of like you're still here circle of life yeah
yeah and i'm thinking that water is probably still hanging out in the same place that it was or it's
going from sky to ocean ocean to sky back and forth so no no no sewer risk no being stuck in
someone's body risk oh interesting that's i mean i'm jealous but i get to have a cultural impact
i don't know how i'm going to be reincarnated into the past but i'll figure that out i'm gonna
find a way to hit you as the meteor right not like breaking character and announcing my plan
to hurt my co-host no no i imagined you as a meteor hitting me yeah then we'd be together
Oh, I'd like that.
Yeah.
Maybe the two of us could sink the Titanic.
Go back in time and...
Oh, you thought the iceberg was bad?
Oh, yeah.
Way to get a load of this.
Jenna hits it in the front.
It's in the back.
Yep.
Oh, that's what really happened to the Titanic.
Yeah.
Spoiler alert for the next Crumpets with Churchill.
That's what really happened.
Yeah, got meteorite horked.
I think we both came up with probably the two best possible answers.
Of course.
Good luck, listeners, trying to trump those answers.
Well, that wraps up the big question.
The big question.
Okay.
There's only one final thing.
Yeah.
Francis.
Yeah.
did you say your secret word i did thanks for noticing uh okay i did you i did okay at the
beginning or what uh i think during invention of the week okay you did not have to give that away
but you did thanks you're welcome okay so you're still not gonna guess i don't think you don't
think i don't think so do you have a guest let me ponder you what's your guess well i thought i had
a guess but then i forgot to write it down so i don't remember what it is so i'm gonna go i think
meteor might be my guess you're wrong no i would have loved it if you just made that you're really
like that was your answer oh that would have been smart yeah i wish i'd done that but then i would
to lose i woulda lose okay so you don't win okay and now my guess is because it was during invention
of the week we were talking about haircuts and robots i'm gonna say it is haircut wait no i always
doing this again continuing your trend of thinking my secret word is a word you said first i do this
every time i can't believe it i cannot believe it my word was not haircut no um i'm gonna say
i don't even know if you've said this skill i don't know if i said it either but that's not
my word okay shoot all right well i'm ready for the big reveal my word was vouching wow you were
smooth with that yeah slipped it in and i meant it though if any executives from sky mall are
looking for a new inventor i'm vouching for francis damn yeah wow i would never would have got that
i don't know what yours is though when did you say yours well um at the very end i said my word
which is legwork really yeah i have don't you just said it i have no memory of this yeah i said it
toward the end.
There's a lot of legwork that goes into
making a jewel.
Oh, a lot of legwork that goes into
making a jewel.
So no points to you.
And no points to me.
Someday.
Fart noise.
And then we'll laugh forever and be kicked out of the pod.
Thanks for everything.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Thanks for the memories.
Of course.
All right.
Well, I think that's it, listeners.
Yep.
Bye.