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when you were a kid did you like bouncy castles

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maybe when i was in one i never think i thought about them when i wasn't

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um it was so when it was right in front of you you enjoyed it you never like wanted one i wasn't

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wanting for a bouncy house but i would get in one yeah uh i i felt like um i never thought that

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they were that fun and it was one of those things as a kid i was like i can't tell anybody that i

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don't enjoy this but it just was a lot of like you fell a lot it was like a lot of falling down

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and then it's hard to get back up again and then when you fall there's always a kid that just like

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comes and jumps right next to your head because they think it's funny that you're on the ground

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and they're bouncing you up and down?

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I think it's a metaphor for life.

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You know?

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I guess I like picturing you as the one kid,

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like the sober kid in the corner,

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like with a bobby pin or like a safety pin,

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like trying to end this fun.

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I could ruin this for all of you.

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Bounce near my head again, Cleveland.

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How did you know I knew a Cleveland growing up?

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We all know Cleveland.

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The president.

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Grover.

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Yes.

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um yeah i just uh i don't know maybe i maybe as an adult do they do they do them for adults now

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i'm sure yeah you can actually order one whenever you want this is kind of a sweet perk of being an

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adult that's true actually you don't even have to have a birthday or a block party or

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would it be funny if it was just like we ordered one it was like just us in it

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the neighborhood kids come on no yeah absolutely not this is for us get out of your

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next generation of clevelands everyone all the kids every child is named cleveland

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yeah and then when they turn 18 they get their real name

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that's true yeah that's that's just you're just stating facts i don't like it but that's the

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country we're living what are we gonna do at this point exactly that's why there's so few keychains

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with names on them anymore.

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I know.

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Because it was just a whole rack full of Clevelands.

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Yeah, and so many people keep the name.

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Isn't that weird?

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That is weird.

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You'd think that you'd want to be free of the shackles of Cleveland

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once you hit 18.

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That's what I think, Cleveland.

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Yeah.

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Well, welcome to Friends Like Us,

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a podcast where friends talk about stuff.

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How are you doing, Francis?

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I'll tell you what.

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I don't really know.

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That's fair.

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You don't always have to know.

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Yeah, who knows?

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I'll always ask.

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Yeah.

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But you don't always have to know.

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Yeah.

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Thank God being alive is involuntary.

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It's involuntary.

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It's like breathing.

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It's just happening in the background.

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If you had to remember to breathe.

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I think today I would have been like, bye.

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Cleveland out.

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Well, I'm glad it's involuntary.

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Thanks.

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I'm glad you're here.

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Thank you.

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yeah i don't need help okay i don't feel like i'm worrying you uh no in fact the number of times

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that you've said something to me like this is not a suicide thing i've i've come to just expect that

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from you you'll know when it's a yeah yeah yeah because you won't send that so when i stop hearing

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that that's when that's when i really need to be worried yeah when my representative cleveland

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shows up to do the podcast.

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You sent a Cleveland

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in your stead.

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Oh, I like that. A Cleveland in my stead.

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That could be a title of a little pamphlet.

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I don't know what would be in the pamphlet.

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Well, that's how they make pamphlets.

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They start with a title and then they work their way

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backwards. A Cleveland in my stead.

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I love it.

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I'm going to make it. Look for it on the website.

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Okay, cool. Yeah.

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Go to friendslikeuspod.com

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and check out Cleveland in My Stead,

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the pamphlet that Francis is making.

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And you're going to get so much information.

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It's going to be probably the most informational pamphlet

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that ever has been.

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Yeah, I would have to agree with that.

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It's a classic trifold.

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Classic trifold.

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You've got to go classic trifold.

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Yeah, and I believe in front and back.

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Oh, yeah.

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not a wasted inch

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but nothing

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totally

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it's the most sexual discussion about a pamphlet

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it is

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a pamphlet? you mean a deep Cleveland?

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it is a little yeah we're being a little childish

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about this pamphlet

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but it will

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in fact be sexy.

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Oh, yeah.

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This is an after hours.

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Wait until your husband goes to bed before you look

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at this pamphlet.

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Keep it

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away from the kids. You don't have to answer

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any questions, weird questions.

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You don't know how to answer.

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You're going to need a separate pamphlet

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telling you how to answer questions.

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That's what the back of the pamphlet's for.

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Explaining to your kids, your little Clevelands.

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do you have a bunch of shitty little clevelands at home here's how to tell them about this pamphlet

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um all right good well we look forward to it yes again go to friends like us pod.com

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or i'm sure it'll also be on our various social medias which is at flu pod official

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on every social media platform. So look for it there. Quick interruption. Every week on the

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podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.

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Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our

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conversation without the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret

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word, they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize,

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whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.

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Jenna's secret word is separation. Francis's secret word is flavor. Back to the pod.

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um well while you're making that in the background in the foreground let's make

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an invention of the week cool

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inventions

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okay i thought long and hard about this okay good i don't like those slapdash ones you know i

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I know, and I can always tell when you're secretly upset about my invention.

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So I was thinking a lot about the planet today.

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You know, where we call home, Earth.

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What, the third rock from the sun?

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Yes, that's my favorite show with a name about Earth.

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Did you know that?

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What about planet Earth?

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That's good, too.

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But third rock from the sun.

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Third rock from the sun.

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The show could suck, and that's still a good title.

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That is good.

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Yeah.

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I was not saying I'm attracted to her, by the way,

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but I like the look of that lady in that show.

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She's got a look.

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She's a very stately lady.

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She's tall.

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Yeah, she's a tall, sturdy woman.

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Yes.

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She's good prairie folk.

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Yeah.

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If she was a coffee table, you wouldn't have to put anything under one of the legs.

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No.

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Yeah.

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Oh, no, it would be solid.

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Very solid.

156
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Yeah.

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What's her name?

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Kristen Johnson.

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Kristen Johnson.

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That's right.

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I'm thinking Kristen Stewart, which I know they're both listeners.

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So Kristen Johnson, I apologize.

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Kristen Stewart.

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Hello.

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Hi, how you doing?

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You're always on my mind.

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And yeah, so sorry about that, Kristen.

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Kristen J.

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KJ.

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KJ.

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As we call her at parties.

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We go to parties with her, actually.

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Yeah, we do.

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Which is why it's so embarrassing that I forgot her last name.

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Sometimes you're just too close to someone.

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Exactly.

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I actually just remembered I had a dream last night that I didn't know your real name.

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My name?

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Yeah.

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Francis?

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It occurred to me that I was like, oh my God, he's never told me his last name.

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And then you were like, that's not even my real first name either.

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it's Cleveland

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but it was like it was one of those things where I woke up

185
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and I was like

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for like a half a second I thought it was real

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and then

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and then I remembered

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that I actually do know your real name

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so

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that's a good dream

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thanks

193
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:25,860
anyway back to

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00:09:25,860 --> 00:09:28,160
if I was going to call you a fake name I would

195
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I think I would go with Juby

196
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thank you

197
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:32,740
yeah

198
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,920
do I look like a Juby

199
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,420
No, I just think it sounds cute and has a J in it.

200
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:38,100
Oh, okay.

201
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,100
I'll take it.

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00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:39,400
Okay.

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00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:40,600
Thanks.

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00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:42,180
You got it, Joubs.

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00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:44,600
Cleveland Joubs.

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00:09:44,820 --> 00:09:45,440
Jouvy Cleave.

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00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:47,600
My invention.

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00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:49,140
Yes, your invention.

209
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:53,280
You were thinking about this big blue marble that we're all rotating on.

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Yeah, that we're here and against our will and perhaps with no purpose.

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00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,640
Anyway, I was thinking, man, we're making it dirty.

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00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,920
I'm in a sustainable cities class right now

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00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:06,400
so this is

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00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:07,640
I'm inspired about

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00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:08,700
you know

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00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:09,540
cleaning the earth

217
00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:10,080
sure

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00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:11,600
earth appreciates it

219
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:11,840
yeah

220
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:12,780
and I like earth

221
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:13,300
yeah

222
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:15,460
even though I walk upon it

223
00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:17,360
it's okay with that

224
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,320
it's come to terms with the fact that people walk on it

225
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:19,880
it likes it

226
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:20,380
earth

227
00:10:20,380 --> 00:10:21,180
if you're listening

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00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:22,260
and we know you are

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00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:23,280
we know you are

230
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friend of the pod earth

231
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,000
sorry we walk on you

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00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,320
thanks for being cool about it

233
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:29,780
well it's a

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00:10:29,780 --> 00:10:31,040
earth is a masochist

235
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,700
it wants it.

236
00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:35,240
Does it like to be called that the earth?

237
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:35,840
We're sorry.

238
00:10:36,140 --> 00:10:36,900
No, you're right.

239
00:10:37,180 --> 00:10:38,100
You're not a masochist.

240
00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:40,300
You just have particular tastes.

241
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:41,860
Yeah, I shouldn't have spoke for you.

242
00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:42,620
I hate myself.

243
00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:44,020
Love you, though.

244
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:45,140
Yeah, you're great.

245
00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:46,500
Keep up the good work.

246
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:46,880
Yeah.

247
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:48,620
So here's the invention.

248
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,280
The invention is,

249
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:51,560
you know how we have too much carbon?

250
00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:53,380
Yes.

251
00:10:53,540 --> 00:10:54,520
Yeah, it's like all around.

252
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:55,160
Oh my God.

253
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:55,800
It's trapped.

254
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:56,180
Yeah.

255
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:57,580
We're like swimming in carbon.

256
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:58,200
Yeah.

257
00:10:58,900 --> 00:10:59,960
You are going to love this.

258
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:10,380
all right so you know how no one can figure it out yes well i'm here now the invention is this

259
00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:17,940
you invented figuring it out i just know it now i know the answer and i won't be sharing it

260
00:11:17,940 --> 00:11:20,000
the invention is

261
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:28,760
a there's there's several of these mind you but i just want to explain one of them okay it's a big

262
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,520
fat tube.

263
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:32,840
Okay.

264
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:33,940
And the tube

265
00:11:33,940 --> 00:11:36,960
lets carbon in.

266
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,160
It's a carbon

267
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,760
welcoming tube.

268
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,900
It is a tube that receives carbon.

269
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:44,960
It is a carbon receptive

270
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:45,720
tube.

271
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:47,740
And what happens is

272
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:50,360
the tube goes

273
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,560
very, very high

274
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:54,900
and pokes out of the

275
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:56,760
planet into outer

276
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:57,260
space.

277
00:11:57,260 --> 00:12:08,420
so it sucks in carbon and then blows it out of earth into outer space so it's a big vent system

278
00:12:08,420 --> 00:12:17,920
yeah and we could get all the extra carbon out and keep polluting because that seems to be the

279
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:22,680
easiest thing it's just not to change our ways yeah people that seems to be that would

280
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:29,260
So figuring out an option that doesn't involve changing human behavior would be the easiest option.

281
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:29,700
Yeah.

282
00:12:29,980 --> 00:12:31,280
I'm thinking 10, 12 tubes.

283
00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:33,120
Strategically placed.

284
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:33,400
Yeah.

285
00:12:33,780 --> 00:12:34,280
Big cities.

286
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,600
Around that big old masochist earth.

287
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:38,140
Yeah, big dirty cities.

288
00:12:39,140 --> 00:12:40,280
Suck all the carbon out.

289
00:12:42,420 --> 00:12:46,240
I'm picturing like the vent, like the big, like, you know, when they do construction

290
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:50,960
and then they put those tubes on the side of the thing to like throw debris down into the,

291
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,920
So they could just throw it off the side of the building.

292
00:12:53,060 --> 00:12:53,400
Oh, yeah.

293
00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:56,020
I'm picturing one of those, but just going straight up to the sky.

294
00:12:57,020 --> 00:13:01,680
Yeah, and all the way up, we could have wind turbines on it.

295
00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:05,760
So we're sucking out carbon, we're making wind energy.

296
00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:08,320
What if someone gets too close to it?

297
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,260
Do they go like, whoa, and they get sucked into it?

298
00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:14,080
Oh, where the carbon goes in?

299
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:14,680
Yeah.

300
00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:25,078
Well no I don think so Are you worried that carbon is too omnipresent to actually be funneled properly into a tube

301
00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:26,658
No.

302
00:13:27,278 --> 00:13:28,278
Okay, good.

303
00:13:28,518 --> 00:13:30,618
I think carbon wants to go to outer space.

304
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:34,918
Are you worried about what pumping carbon into space might do?

305
00:13:35,278 --> 00:13:40,758
No, because space is black and carbon's black.

306
00:13:42,118 --> 00:13:42,838
Wait, what?

307
00:13:43,058 --> 00:13:44,238
Space won't know carbon's in it.

308
00:13:45,738 --> 00:13:49,038
We see the carbon everywhere because it's black.

309
00:13:49,538 --> 00:13:50,858
Oh, this car isn't emissions.

310
00:13:52,658 --> 00:13:53,498
How dumb am I?

311
00:13:57,678 --> 00:13:58,638
I don't know.

312
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:00,358
This sounds pretty smart to me.

313
00:14:01,018 --> 00:14:05,978
12 strategically placed tubes all around the big old masochist Earth.

314
00:14:09,238 --> 00:14:11,018
With a vent fan in it.

315
00:14:11,258 --> 00:14:12,618
That'll suck carbon.

316
00:14:12,998 --> 00:14:13,178
Yeah.

317
00:14:13,178 --> 00:14:14,518
Suck black carbon.

318
00:14:14,518 --> 00:14:16,858
that we are managing to funnel

319
00:14:16,858 --> 00:14:19,158
into space.

320
00:14:19,418 --> 00:14:21,278
Space will have no idea it's there.

321
00:14:21,838 --> 00:14:22,998
Space is just going to be going along

322
00:14:22,998 --> 00:14:25,238
and stay like that second

323
00:14:25,238 --> 00:14:26,998
where you're like, wait.

324
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:29,338
It's like, did I forget

325
00:14:29,338 --> 00:14:31,138
to turn off the stove or whatever?

326
00:14:31,278 --> 00:14:33,018
You know when you have that moment where you're like, something

327
00:14:33,018 --> 00:14:35,278
seems a little off? Space is just going to have

328
00:14:35,278 --> 00:14:37,218
that moment with all the extra carbon.

329
00:14:38,198 --> 00:14:39,338
Carbon will live

330
00:14:39,338 --> 00:14:41,338
successfully in space, not affecting

331
00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:43,338
space at all. No, why would it?

332
00:14:43,338 --> 00:14:45,378
I don't know. Why does it affect Earth?

333
00:14:45,538 --> 00:14:47,198
Because we're in a ball.

334
00:14:48,338 --> 00:14:49,658
Space is a wide open

335
00:14:49,658 --> 00:14:51,458
rectangle.

336
00:14:51,738 --> 00:14:53,698
What if space is just one big ball?

337
00:14:53,838 --> 00:14:56,078
We've never seen the outskirts of space.

338
00:14:56,078 --> 00:14:58,258
We're just doing the best we can with the information we have.

339
00:14:59,758 --> 00:15:01,558
It's time for carbon to leave Earth.

340
00:15:02,398 --> 00:15:03,838
And if a bunch of little baby stars

341
00:15:03,838 --> 00:15:05,638
die from carbon monoxide poisoning,

342
00:15:06,138 --> 00:15:07,238
then we'll know it's a problem.

343
00:15:08,698 --> 00:15:09,858
I like the idea that

344
00:15:09,858 --> 00:15:11,398
if we got far enough out into space,

345
00:15:11,398 --> 00:15:18,498
we'd see space already has a bunch of these tubes set up to funnel the carbon out of space into like whatever the next

346
00:15:18,498 --> 00:15:19,318
into earth

347
00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:23,138
they're doing this to us

348
00:15:23,138 --> 00:15:25,038
i knew it wasn't our fault

349
00:15:25,038 --> 00:15:25,498
yeah

350
00:15:25,498 --> 00:15:27,378
um

351
00:15:27,378 --> 00:15:29,898
okay

352
00:15:29,898 --> 00:15:30,698
do you like it

353
00:15:30,698 --> 00:15:37,778
uh it's one of those ideas that was just like it's right there for the taking i can't believe someone hasn't done it

354
00:15:37,778 --> 00:15:39,738
well people don't think to build things that are really tall

355
00:15:39,738 --> 00:15:40,598
that's why

356
00:15:40,598 --> 00:15:47,938
but we can do it yeah how high could it be could our producer find out how high up the atmosphere

357
00:15:47,938 --> 00:15:54,078
goes i think our producer could probably do that uh what are you imagining supporting this tube on

358
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:59,218
all the way up is the tube just made of sturdy material i feel like it's got to be like a little

359
00:15:59,218 --> 00:16:06,538
bit flowy it could flow like why not so how so then it's going it's got to be supported by something

360
00:16:06,538 --> 00:16:11,118
because otherwise you're going to have to tether it to something in space.

361
00:16:12,018 --> 00:16:12,638
You know what I mean?

362
00:16:12,658 --> 00:16:13,078
No, no, no.

363
00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:15,338
Like if it's going to be loose, if it's going to be like one of those.

364
00:16:15,358 --> 00:16:15,818
Loose in space?

365
00:16:16,198 --> 00:16:19,778
Well, if it's going to be like a tube, like I'm thinking like a flowing tube,

366
00:16:19,858 --> 00:16:22,658
like one of those like inflatable car dealership guys.

367
00:16:23,378 --> 00:16:27,138
If it's one of those, in order to stay in space,

368
00:16:27,418 --> 00:16:29,798
it's going to be like hooked to something.

369
00:16:30,018 --> 00:16:30,978
Like a little satellite.

370
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:32,238
Okay, so we'll just.

371
00:16:32,318 --> 00:16:32,818
Like it just hangs out there.

372
00:16:33,078 --> 00:16:33,458
All right.

373
00:16:33,878 --> 00:16:35,218
It only has to be 62 miles.

374
00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:36,098
62 miles.

375
00:16:36,098 --> 00:16:36,838
So we build it.

376
00:16:36,898 --> 00:16:37,058
Okay.

377
00:16:37,158 --> 00:16:37,718
I got it.

378
00:16:37,898 --> 00:16:38,238
All right.

379
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:38,418
Cool.

380
00:16:38,658 --> 00:16:39,398
62 miles.

381
00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:42,958
We build a super tall, tallest building we can build using.

382
00:16:43,398 --> 00:16:44,638
63 miles high.

383
00:16:46,198 --> 00:16:46,558
Whatever.

384
00:16:46,778 --> 00:16:47,018
Okay.

385
00:16:47,138 --> 00:16:47,538
I don't know.

386
00:16:47,598 --> 00:16:48,798
The tallest building there ever was.

387
00:16:48,978 --> 00:16:49,078
You know what?

388
00:16:49,078 --> 00:16:49,758
How about 69?

389
00:16:49,978 --> 00:16:50,618
Just for fun.

390
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:52,318
We build that.

391
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:54,198
And then the tube goes from the bottom.

392
00:16:54,238 --> 00:16:55,938
You don't see most of the tube because it's in the building.

393
00:16:56,018 --> 00:16:59,158
But then from the roof of the building, the tube continues up into space.

394
00:16:59,678 --> 00:17:01,338
So that's true.

395
00:17:01,418 --> 00:17:03,718
It's in the roof.

396
00:17:04,078 --> 00:17:04,398
All right.

397
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:08,218
But I like that when you get to the top, there's only maybe like a foot that's exposed.

398
00:17:08,538 --> 00:17:10,258
So it looks like a short little tube.

399
00:17:10,438 --> 00:17:11,478
Yeah, but it's really long.

400
00:17:11,718 --> 00:17:14,878
Well, then why not just, do we even need the tube?

401
00:17:15,818 --> 00:17:17,818
Couldn't the top of the building just be vented?

402
00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:19,418
I don't know if we could.

403
00:17:19,558 --> 00:17:21,118
Could the building be the tube itself?

404
00:17:21,158 --> 00:17:25,998
The building was going to be a big HEPA filter and clean the air of other things.

405
00:17:26,458 --> 00:17:28,658
The whole building was going to be a HEPA filter.

406
00:17:28,898 --> 00:17:29,618
Oh, okay.

407
00:17:29,618 --> 00:17:33,058
So do we have to replace the building every like six months or something?

408
00:17:33,478 --> 00:17:33,918
Yeah.

409
00:17:33,918 --> 00:17:35,978
We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

410
00:17:36,178 --> 00:17:38,138
The most important thing is that the carbon's gone.

411
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:40,918
And the oceans thank me, and the planet thanks me,

412
00:17:41,218 --> 00:17:43,178
and big greasy companies thank me.

413
00:17:45,978 --> 00:17:50,938
I really do not have a good visualization or conception of distance.

414
00:17:51,858 --> 00:17:55,118
I was just Googling for reference how tall the Burj Khalifa is,

415
00:17:55,358 --> 00:17:57,498
and it's just over half a mile.

416
00:17:57,498 --> 00:17:59,378
so you would need

417
00:17:59,378 --> 00:18:01,578
almost 130

418
00:18:01,578 --> 00:18:03,478
Burj Khalifa's worth of

419
00:18:03,478 --> 00:18:04,938
tubing to get to the atmosphere

420
00:18:04,938 --> 00:18:06,978
okay fuck it I have a new idea

421
00:18:06,978 --> 00:18:12,758
a nice flimsy tube

422
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:15,798
that's held up by drones

423
00:18:15,798 --> 00:18:16,878
going all the way up

424
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,318
drone on drone on drone on drone

425
00:18:18,318 --> 00:18:20,058
holding this tube

426
00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:24,038
okay that would still be a shitload of drones

427
00:18:24,038 --> 00:18:32,438
that would be a lot of drones sure having to hold that all up and then what do you do about their

428
00:18:32,438 --> 00:18:38,158
battery power i like the original idea the best the building let's just do it too we don't need

429
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:43,918
a building it's just a big long tube okay long long tube what's tethering it to space a satellite

430
00:18:43,918 --> 00:18:53,178
a satellite okay named the the carbon camp camp carbon camp carbon yeah and then

431
00:18:53,178 --> 00:19:00,298
that would be that's a fun little name too like it's a way like like kids you know when you're

432
00:19:00,298 --> 00:19:06,278
like hey hey you better behave or we're sending you to camp carbon no i don't want to be in space

433
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:12,218
yeah next to the dirty dirty carbon um i didn't mention about this this system comes with um

434
00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:22,878
a complementary atlantic ocean ice maker oh how does that work if we act now for the low low price

435
00:19:22,878 --> 00:19:24,858
building this ridiculous thing

436
00:19:24,858 --> 00:19:27,298
it's a big big ice maker

437
00:19:27,298 --> 00:19:28,698
and we just leave it in the Atlantic

438
00:19:28,698 --> 00:19:30,738
and we just start making more ice

439
00:19:30,738 --> 00:19:33,158
to replenish what's melting

440
00:19:33,158 --> 00:19:35,178
oh I was thinking like

441
00:19:35,178 --> 00:19:36,638
for your drinks and stuff

442
00:19:36,638 --> 00:19:40,998
I know I was like

443
00:19:40,998 --> 00:19:42,698
swimming out there to get a drink

444
00:19:42,698 --> 00:19:44,638
I would like some

445
00:19:44,638 --> 00:19:46,458
I know I was making sure

446
00:19:46,458 --> 00:19:48,898
kind of like a free gift with purchase

447
00:19:48,898 --> 00:19:50,798
like I've been at my own little ice maker now

448
00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:52,038
if you invest in the tube

449
00:19:52,038 --> 00:19:52,518
Yeah.

450
00:19:53,178 --> 00:19:53,458
Yeah.

451
00:19:54,898 --> 00:19:57,698
I was actually thinking like ocean ice sounds pretty cool.

452
00:20:00,358 --> 00:20:00,838
Yeah.

453
00:20:01,238 --> 00:20:02,478
So there it is.

454
00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,378
Hope I don't get shot now.

455
00:20:06,558 --> 00:20:07,798
Because of my good idea.

456
00:20:08,438 --> 00:20:08,878
Oh, yeah.

457
00:20:09,398 --> 00:20:09,618
Yeah.

458
00:20:09,798 --> 00:20:10,478
No, well, it's.

459
00:20:11,238 --> 00:20:11,698
Oh, God.

460
00:20:11,998 --> 00:20:13,158
You heard it here first.

461
00:20:14,438 --> 00:20:15,818
You heard it here first.

462
00:20:16,558 --> 00:20:18,378
Nobody steal Francis's idea.

463
00:20:22,038 --> 00:20:23,298
I'm dizzy

464
00:20:23,298 --> 00:20:26,458
well a good idea will do that to you

465
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:27,598
so will too much carbon

466
00:20:27,598 --> 00:20:29,798
yeah we could be dying right now of carbon

467
00:20:29,798 --> 00:20:32,338
I'm just going to lay down on your floor

468
00:20:32,338 --> 00:20:35,718
everything's suddenly warm and peaceful

469
00:20:35,718 --> 00:20:37,498
my outer vision's going

470
00:20:37,498 --> 00:20:38,978
I love you Juby

471
00:20:38,978 --> 00:20:43,618
now I've got to come up with a good name for you

472
00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:46,118
but I don't want to half-ass it

473
00:20:46,118 --> 00:20:47,278
no just let it happen naturally

474
00:20:47,278 --> 00:20:48,218
it'll happen naturally

475
00:20:48,218 --> 00:20:56,238
um okay uh what are you calling this again oh carp camp carbon no that's what the satellite's

476
00:20:56,238 --> 00:21:00,398
named that's the satellite's name okay a good name for this would be let's let's just quick

477
00:21:00,398 --> 00:21:07,398
let's do a spit take um just a spit fire okay wait should i i'm gonna i'm gonna get a drink

478
00:21:07,398 --> 00:21:11,598
water for this spit take okay i was thinking of a phrase and i don't know what i was thinking of

479
00:21:11,598 --> 00:21:16,418
you know like quick spit no what am i thinking you know what i'm talking about okay whatever

480
00:21:16,418 --> 00:21:18,878
spitballing that's it

481
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:23,498
was that a genuine spit take

482
00:21:23,498 --> 00:21:24,138
no

483
00:21:24,138 --> 00:21:26,658
no it started

484
00:21:26,658 --> 00:21:28,958
started out as a forced spit take but then once I started

485
00:21:28,958 --> 00:21:30,518
to do it I was like well I'm laughing now

486
00:21:30,518 --> 00:21:32,878
so yes

487
00:21:32,878 --> 00:21:33,458
in a way

488
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:36,678
it ended up being a genuine spit take

489
00:21:36,678 --> 00:21:38,898
listeners I'm sure that was

490
00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:40,118
fascinating listening

491
00:21:40,118 --> 00:21:43,018
yeah and that masochist

492
00:21:43,018 --> 00:21:44,858
earth loved when you spat on it

493
00:21:44,858 --> 00:21:47,438
Earth, that one was for you, baby.

494
00:21:49,498 --> 00:21:49,898
Pipe.

495
00:21:50,898 --> 00:21:51,578
Dreams.

496
00:21:53,038 --> 00:21:53,718
Pipe.

497
00:21:55,878 --> 00:21:56,698
That's it?

498
00:21:57,038 --> 00:21:57,638
By a pipe?

499
00:21:58,158 --> 00:21:59,058
It's just called pipe.

500
00:21:59,058 --> 00:22:00,778
Just called pipe.

501
00:22:01,558 --> 00:22:02,318
Yeah.

502
00:22:03,078 --> 00:22:03,538
Pipe out.

503
00:22:04,258 --> 00:22:05,798
Pipe out.

504
00:22:06,778 --> 00:22:07,318
Sun.

505
00:22:08,738 --> 00:22:10,018
Earth catheter.

506
00:22:11,638 --> 00:22:12,898
Carbon catheter.

507
00:22:13,238 --> 00:22:13,998
Carbon catheter?

508
00:22:14,018 --> 00:22:14,298
Yeah.

509
00:22:14,858 --> 00:22:16,238
We love it.

510
00:22:19,158 --> 00:22:21,318
Carbon catheter.

511
00:22:21,758 --> 00:22:22,998
How do you spell catheter?

512
00:22:23,398 --> 00:22:28,498
C-A-T-H-E-T-E-R.

513
00:22:28,498 --> 00:22:30,318
This is excellent podcasting.

514
00:22:30,378 --> 00:22:31,138
Is it T or?

515
00:22:31,918 --> 00:22:32,798
I think it's a T.

516
00:22:32,978 --> 00:22:33,798
I think it's catheter.

517
00:22:34,378 --> 00:22:37,978
But I started to write it and I wrote C-A-T-H-O.

518
00:22:38,518 --> 00:22:39,178
You could be right.

519
00:22:39,438 --> 00:22:41,118
No, I think my Catholic is showing.

520
00:22:42,058 --> 00:22:42,458
Catho.

521
00:22:42,958 --> 00:22:43,358
Catho.

522
00:22:43,958 --> 00:22:44,598
You're right.

523
00:22:44,858 --> 00:22:52,718
all right carbon catheter you're welcome earth what if carbon is one of earth's weird little

524
00:22:52,718 --> 00:23:00,178
kinks and we're likes it yeah like us walking on it well it's hurting us so we can't let it happen

525
00:23:00,178 --> 00:23:11,318
earth if you secretly like all the carbon email us at friends like us official at gmail.com

526
00:23:11,318 --> 00:23:14,958
Let us know, and we won't...

527
00:23:16,098 --> 00:23:21,478
We'll put a pause, or we'll figure out some way to keep some secret carbon just for you.

528
00:23:21,538 --> 00:23:24,978
Yeah, also, if you know a better way to get rid of it, maybe share it.

529
00:23:24,978 --> 00:23:25,458
Help us out, buddy.

530
00:23:25,458 --> 00:23:26,838
Yeah, we're dying here.

531
00:23:26,858 --> 00:23:28,198
We're doing a lot of heavy lifting here.

532
00:23:28,878 --> 00:23:29,638
Yeah, we're getting scared.

533
00:23:30,118 --> 00:23:32,778
We can't be the only ones working to save you, okay?

534
00:23:32,818 --> 00:23:33,958
Yeah, also, what do you think of my ice machine?

535
00:23:34,058 --> 00:23:34,478
Let us know.

536
00:23:35,838 --> 00:23:36,658
Cool, thanks, Earth.

537
00:23:36,658 --> 00:23:42,238
um okay well i mean i want to know where the 12 of them are gonna go

538
00:23:42,238 --> 00:23:45,298
they need to be strategically placed

539
00:23:45,298 --> 00:23:55,278
you want that information now no uh surprise me we'll just know when when uh when yeah we'll know

540
00:23:55,278 --> 00:24:01,398
we'll know you'll know when you see them yeah just walking along oh a carbon catheter yeah

541
00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:05,058
do you think people will try and climb it to get all the way to camp carbon for sure

542
00:24:05,638 --> 00:24:06,478
I don't care if they try.

543
00:24:07,858 --> 00:24:08,818
Yeah, they'll fail.

544
00:24:09,158 --> 00:24:09,518
Bye.

545
00:24:12,078 --> 00:24:13,098
I'm at mile 57.

546
00:24:13,278 --> 00:24:13,518
No.

547
00:24:14,038 --> 00:24:16,418
How long do you think it would take to fall?

548
00:24:18,198 --> 00:24:20,058
If you're like 63 miles up.

549
00:24:20,078 --> 00:24:21,298
Well, I don't have to stop screaming, right?

550
00:24:21,378 --> 00:24:22,338
It gets to the point where you're like, okay.

551
00:24:22,578 --> 00:24:26,278
I think if you're that far, you might like die in midair.

552
00:24:26,698 --> 00:24:30,558
I think just the force of flying down.

553
00:24:30,718 --> 00:24:30,938
What?

554
00:24:31,118 --> 00:24:32,438
That seems like the fun part.

555
00:24:33,078 --> 00:24:34,638
Well, I think you could only...

556
00:24:35,058 --> 00:24:41,758
I think you can only do that fun falling and your face skin flapping around for so long.

557
00:24:42,538 --> 00:24:48,158
Plus, even if you jump off of a tall building, if it's tall enough, you'll pass out before you hit the ground.

558
00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:49,138
No, I wouldn't.

559
00:24:49,658 --> 00:24:50,958
You'll be awake for the whole thing.

560
00:24:51,098 --> 00:24:52,138
Yeah, why would I pass out?

561
00:24:52,758 --> 00:24:53,178
That's true.

562
00:24:53,538 --> 00:24:55,598
People just don't think about not passing out.

563
00:24:55,718 --> 00:24:59,118
Well, you see people on roller coasters pass out, and I'm like, that never happens to me.

564
00:24:59,638 --> 00:25:00,358
Yeah, you idiots.

565
00:25:00,438 --> 00:25:01,278
You just were afraid.

566
00:25:01,858 --> 00:25:02,078
Yeah.

567
00:25:03,018 --> 00:25:04,318
So you just wouldn't be afraid.

568
00:25:04,318 --> 00:25:07,438
I wouldn't scream even when I was about to hit.

569
00:25:07,638 --> 00:25:09,198
I know, because you'd be like, the Earth wants this.

570
00:25:09,498 --> 00:25:10,698
Yeah, I would go, ha-ha!

571
00:25:11,078 --> 00:25:11,698
Here you go, Earth.

572
00:25:13,158 --> 00:25:13,938
Ha-ha!

573
00:25:16,658 --> 00:25:18,058
All right.

574
00:25:18,418 --> 00:25:20,638
Well, carbon catheter.

575
00:25:21,058 --> 00:25:22,338
Good job saving the planet.

576
00:25:23,038 --> 00:25:23,558
You did it.

577
00:25:24,418 --> 00:25:24,798
Thanks.

578
00:25:24,998 --> 00:25:25,358
I deserve it.

579
00:25:25,358 --> 00:25:27,378
And we all get to litter still, which is really fun.

580
00:25:27,378 --> 00:25:29,538
And I can do more carbon than anyone now.

581
00:25:29,678 --> 00:25:30,698
Oh, yeah, you've earned it.

582
00:25:30,698 --> 00:25:30,878
Yeah.

583
00:25:31,038 --> 00:25:31,758
Oh, big time.

584
00:25:31,858 --> 00:25:32,018
Yeah.

585
00:25:32,838 --> 00:25:34,278
Let's take the...

586
00:25:34,278 --> 00:25:35,778
Smoking carbon cigarettes.

587
00:25:36,158 --> 00:25:36,998
Oh, big time.

588
00:25:36,998 --> 00:25:40,018
And your car is just going to be one smoky engine.

589
00:25:40,178 --> 00:25:41,718
Can I get an extra engine for my car?

590
00:25:42,558 --> 00:25:43,078
Thanks.

591
00:25:44,058 --> 00:25:44,718
All right.

592
00:25:44,758 --> 00:25:48,158
Well, that wraps up the invention of the week.

593
00:25:48,998 --> 00:25:49,718
All right.

594
00:25:49,878 --> 00:25:50,458
Good job.

595
00:25:50,938 --> 00:25:51,278
Thank you.

596
00:25:51,278 --> 00:25:54,358
I can't wait to see how you use your extra carbon privileges.

597
00:25:55,198 --> 00:25:58,438
I want you to have shoes that are private jets.

598
00:25:59,158 --> 00:26:01,558
And you wear them one on each foot.

599
00:26:01,558 --> 00:26:03,098
and you have to like straddle them.

600
00:26:03,378 --> 00:26:03,758
Yeah, I will.

601
00:26:03,878 --> 00:26:05,538
And then I take a yacht to my other yacht.

602
00:26:06,178 --> 00:26:06,478
Yeah.

603
00:26:07,358 --> 00:26:08,038
Sounds good.

604
00:26:08,198 --> 00:26:09,358
Which has a plane on it.

605
00:26:09,778 --> 00:26:09,958
Yep.

606
00:26:09,958 --> 00:26:11,858
Which takes me to...

607
00:26:11,858 --> 00:26:14,058
A gasoline fire.

608
00:26:14,958 --> 00:26:17,238
Yeah, I visit Camp Carbon every day.

609
00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:18,258
See how it's going.

610
00:26:18,778 --> 00:26:20,118
To check on your...

611
00:26:20,118 --> 00:26:20,358
Yeah.

612
00:26:20,558 --> 00:26:23,918
But you're going to be a benevolent dictator of Camp Carbon.

613
00:26:24,198 --> 00:26:25,518
You'll be in charge for sure.

614
00:26:25,658 --> 00:26:26,658
You're running things.

615
00:26:26,658 --> 00:26:26,898
Yeah.

616
00:26:26,958 --> 00:26:28,658
But you'll be a good...

617
00:26:29,218 --> 00:26:29,998
You'll be nice.

618
00:26:30,258 --> 00:26:30,998
Yeah, I am nice.

619
00:26:30,998 --> 00:26:33,238
I'm a kind, nice-hearted

620
00:26:33,238 --> 00:26:35,638
I am a nice piece of shit

621
00:26:35,638 --> 00:26:46,976
Get those goddamn Clevelands out of here Clevelands you better not be listening Let just we know you not listening This is explicit content

622
00:26:47,296 --> 00:26:50,336
Yeah, unless you are 18 and have a new name, do not listen.

623
00:26:52,416 --> 00:26:56,616
So if you're listening to this and you're under 18 and you're Cleveland, get the hell out of here.

624
00:26:56,616 --> 00:26:57,016
Yeah.

625
00:26:59,096 --> 00:27:01,536
All right.

626
00:27:01,676 --> 00:27:02,076
Good.

627
00:27:02,156 --> 00:27:04,576
With that, let's move on to our next segment.

628
00:27:04,916 --> 00:27:05,176
Okay.

629
00:27:05,176 --> 00:27:10,056
Which is, don't make me laugh.

630
00:27:12,776 --> 00:27:15,696
Stop, don't make me laugh.

631
00:27:17,116 --> 00:27:30,396
In this segment, which I feel like is already going to be very difficult, we are going to try and not make each other laugh.

632
00:27:30,596 --> 00:27:31,256
I'm dialed in.

633
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:32,176
I won't be laughing at all.

634
00:27:32,816 --> 00:27:33,136
Okay.

635
00:27:33,136 --> 00:27:34,616
It's like the passing out.

636
00:27:35,176 --> 00:27:35,936
Yes, I've decided.

637
00:27:36,216 --> 00:27:36,456
Okay.

638
00:27:37,556 --> 00:27:40,736
Joe, I think, is going to give us topics to talk about.

639
00:27:41,016 --> 00:27:41,296
Oh!

640
00:27:42,076 --> 00:27:45,756
And then we will talk about them.

641
00:27:46,096 --> 00:27:46,316
Yeah.

642
00:27:46,476 --> 00:27:49,516
And we will not be laughing at all.

643
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:52,736
If someone does laugh, Joe's going to keep track of the points.

644
00:27:54,256 --> 00:27:54,736
And...

645
00:27:54,736 --> 00:27:57,056
Throw carbon at the person's face.

646
00:27:57,356 --> 00:27:57,576
Yep.

647
00:27:58,156 --> 00:28:00,856
Which is okay if it's Francis, because he's earned it.

648
00:28:01,016 --> 00:28:01,196
Yeah.

649
00:28:01,616 --> 00:28:03,436
If it's me, though, I'm in big trouble.

650
00:28:03,696 --> 00:28:04,876
Yeah, you are not allowed.

651
00:28:04,976 --> 00:28:05,596
I'm not allowed.

652
00:28:05,736 --> 00:28:07,036
Don't even look at my carbon.

653
00:28:07,536 --> 00:28:07,876
Oh my God.

654
00:28:07,916 --> 00:28:08,716
I'm looking at it right now.

655
00:28:08,756 --> 00:28:09,196
I'm so sorry.

656
00:28:09,296 --> 00:28:10,176
It's my bucket of carbon.

657
00:28:10,256 --> 00:28:11,096
No, I'm so sorry.

658
00:28:11,376 --> 00:28:12,616
Stop waving it right in front of me.

659
00:28:13,676 --> 00:28:15,496
Ah, you put it on my face.

660
00:28:15,516 --> 00:28:16,076
You're a criminal.

661
00:28:18,476 --> 00:28:19,276
All right, Joe.

662
00:28:19,436 --> 00:28:19,816
You ready?

663
00:28:19,816 --> 00:28:20,396
Yes.

664
00:28:20,616 --> 00:28:22,996
Okay, but just a simple suggestion.

665
00:28:23,616 --> 00:28:24,176
Sure.

666
00:28:24,336 --> 00:28:24,776
Or a topic.

667
00:28:24,936 --> 00:28:25,096
Yeah.

668
00:28:25,236 --> 00:28:26,076
You can give us.

669
00:28:26,836 --> 00:28:31,716
Well, the first thing my suggestion generator came up with was barbershop slash salon.

670
00:28:31,716 --> 00:28:35,016
barbershop slash salon

671
00:28:35,016 --> 00:28:39,116
I don't understand

672
00:28:39,116 --> 00:28:41,556
the point of the barber

673
00:28:41,556 --> 00:28:42,116
pole

674
00:28:42,116 --> 00:28:45,696
what was that to like

675
00:28:45,696 --> 00:28:47,656
hypnotize people into getting haircuts

676
00:28:47,656 --> 00:28:49,836
just spinning red

677
00:28:49,836 --> 00:28:50,716
and blue

678
00:28:50,716 --> 00:28:54,156
barbers why did you do this

679
00:28:54,156 --> 00:28:55,736
do you think the barbers did it

680
00:28:55,736 --> 00:28:58,416
the barber pole is a thing

681
00:28:58,416 --> 00:29:00,196
that spinning red and blue

682
00:29:00,196 --> 00:29:00,736
is a thing

683
00:29:00,736 --> 00:29:07,436
all right i'm gonna be a barber and you're gonna be my customer or you're gonna be someone walking

684
00:29:07,436 --> 00:29:15,616
by okay you sir you look like you need a haircut you look like you need all of them cut

685
00:29:15,616 --> 00:29:21,316
off to a good start

686
00:29:21,316 --> 00:29:25,676
no oh shoot

687
00:29:25,676 --> 00:29:26,976
sorry

688
00:29:26,976 --> 00:29:28,536
I'm back

689
00:29:28,536 --> 00:29:31,996
why don't you come into my barber shop

690
00:29:31,996 --> 00:29:34,376
and I'll take care of that

691
00:29:34,376 --> 00:29:35,456
lickety split

692
00:29:35,456 --> 00:29:37,816
okay but I'm in a rush

693
00:29:37,816 --> 00:29:39,796
oh

694
00:29:39,796 --> 00:29:42,376
I didn't even have to hypnotize you in here

695
00:29:42,376 --> 00:29:43,716
that's lucky

696
00:29:43,716 --> 00:29:45,336
I'm colorblind

697
00:29:45,336 --> 00:29:47,816
well that's also lucky

698
00:29:47,816 --> 00:29:49,656
there was because my

699
00:29:49,656 --> 00:29:51,736
original thought was that I'd have to use

700
00:29:51,736 --> 00:29:53,676
red and blue stripes

701
00:29:53,676 --> 00:29:55,776
and hypnotize you to get you

702
00:29:55,776 --> 00:29:57,836
into my shop

703
00:29:57,836 --> 00:29:59,996
and then

704
00:29:59,996 --> 00:30:01,276
I'd do things to you

705
00:30:01,276 --> 00:30:02,636
when you're

706
00:30:02,636 --> 00:30:06,296
okay I'm making myself laugh

707
00:30:06,296 --> 00:30:07,796
mostly cut your hair

708
00:30:07,796 --> 00:30:12,176
but you're fine with it so come on in

709
00:30:12,176 --> 00:30:12,516
okay

710
00:30:12,516 --> 00:30:14,736
okay I'm here

711
00:30:14,736 --> 00:30:23,536
oh wow i think i'm gonna you you look like you're a fanciful gentleman

712
00:30:23,536 --> 00:30:28,056
i'm gonna give you one of the special barber capes

713
00:30:28,056 --> 00:30:37,136
okay it's got a rocco's modern life print oh you just kept me what do you think of that

714
00:30:37,136 --> 00:30:45,616
love the curly cues thanks oh it fits oh the button works oh it goes down to my feet

715
00:30:45,616 --> 00:30:55,196
well i know you're an extra tall boy too i gotta i got i went to the big and tall barber

716
00:30:55,196 --> 00:31:01,836
shop i'm taking a supply store i don't like that part but you're tall they don't sell

717
00:31:01,836 --> 00:31:04,456
capes for people that are 6'8 in normal

718
00:31:04,456 --> 00:31:06,096
barbershop supplies.

719
00:31:06,476 --> 00:31:08,576
Oh. That's not funny

720
00:31:08,576 --> 00:31:09,816
to me because

721
00:31:09,816 --> 00:31:11,656
I had a tall relative

722
00:31:11,656 --> 00:31:12,996
murdered.

723
00:31:16,956 --> 00:31:18,476
I'm sensitive about my height.

724
00:31:21,336 --> 00:31:22,136
I'm sorry

725
00:31:22,136 --> 00:31:24,396
that your own height reminds you of a murder.

726
00:31:24,716 --> 00:31:25,736
They were even taller than me.

727
00:31:26,516 --> 00:31:27,936
They were 7'2".

728
00:31:27,936 --> 00:31:30,476
Oh my gosh. Was it because of their

729
00:31:30,476 --> 00:31:31,416
height that they were murdered?

730
00:31:31,836 --> 00:31:36,816
Yes, they couldn't see the knife at their knee.

731
00:31:38,936 --> 00:31:43,676
Not one of those knee stabbings that I've been hearing so much about.

732
00:31:43,676 --> 00:31:49,856
Yeah, the person who did it was allegedly told them, I'm going to kill you.

733
00:31:50,456 --> 00:31:52,156
I won't, though, if you just give me your money.

734
00:31:52,236 --> 00:31:53,896
But the sound didn't go up.

735
00:31:54,716 --> 00:31:55,516
Oh, no.

736
00:31:55,636 --> 00:31:57,596
It was a smoggy day because of all the carbon.

737
00:31:57,596 --> 00:32:08,696
oh wow that's that's so terrible i'm so sorry but luckily there was no pain

738
00:32:08,696 --> 00:32:14,076
because everyone knows a knife to the knee is instant death

739
00:32:14,076 --> 00:32:21,776
um well it wasn't actually stabbed oh i just assumed when you said he didn't see the knife

740
00:32:21,776 --> 00:32:23,156
at his knee. At his knee.

741
00:32:23,776 --> 00:32:25,096
Yeah, at his knee.

742
00:32:25,876 --> 00:32:27,736
Yeah, he didn't. But the knife didn't go

743
00:32:27,736 --> 00:32:28,336
in because

744
00:32:28,336 --> 00:32:31,936
he stepped backward

745
00:32:31,936 --> 00:32:33,836
and

746
00:32:33,836 --> 00:32:34,976
fell into the street

747
00:32:34,976 --> 00:32:38,016
and six cars ran him over.

748
00:32:38,816 --> 00:32:39,876
Never one car touching

749
00:32:39,876 --> 00:32:41,276
the same spot due to his height.

750
00:32:42,696 --> 00:32:43,856
Oh, no.

751
00:32:44,616 --> 00:32:45,816
I knew once they started

752
00:32:45,816 --> 00:32:47,956
making one foot wide

753
00:32:47,956 --> 00:32:48,656
cars.

754
00:32:51,776 --> 00:32:54,036
the damage would be done.

755
00:32:56,736 --> 00:32:57,736
Okay, yeah.

756
00:32:58,236 --> 00:32:59,396
It's horrible, isn't it?

757
00:32:59,696 --> 00:33:00,676
It was six motorcycles.

758
00:33:02,516 --> 00:33:03,956
Oh, I thought they were cars.

759
00:33:04,236 --> 00:33:05,236
Yeah, everyone thinks that.

760
00:33:06,356 --> 00:33:07,176
But everyone's wrong.

761
00:33:08,956 --> 00:33:10,736
Anyway, you've hurt my feelings

762
00:33:10,736 --> 00:33:12,896
and brought up a painful memory.

763
00:33:15,176 --> 00:33:16,516
Technically, you brought it up.

764
00:33:17,616 --> 00:33:18,056
Wow.

765
00:33:18,056 --> 00:33:19,096
To be fair to me.

766
00:33:19,276 --> 00:33:20,236
To be fair to me,

767
00:33:20,236 --> 00:33:23,136
you kind of seem like you were itching to tell that story

768
00:33:23,136 --> 00:33:25,936
I was just explaining why I was taking your

769
00:33:25,936 --> 00:33:27,616
great cape off

770
00:33:27,616 --> 00:33:31,076
because I said that it went all

771
00:33:31,076 --> 00:33:32,956
because you said it went all the way down to your feet

772
00:33:32,956 --> 00:33:34,756
and you're tall

773
00:33:34,756 --> 00:33:37,536
oh you did it again

774
00:33:37,536 --> 00:33:39,676
you brought up my height

775
00:33:39,676 --> 00:33:40,156
ow

776
00:33:40,156 --> 00:33:44,156
so I have to tilt my head all the way back

777
00:33:44,156 --> 00:33:45,236
just to see

778
00:33:45,236 --> 00:33:46,256
to look up at you

779
00:33:46,256 --> 00:33:49,116
that's got to be a constant reminder of your height

780
00:33:49,116 --> 00:33:50,736
now it is

781
00:33:50,736 --> 00:33:52,816
so I've forever

782
00:33:52,816 --> 00:33:55,476
from now on every moment is going to be

783
00:33:55,476 --> 00:33:57,496
a waking nightmare for you

784
00:33:57,496 --> 00:33:57,916
because

785
00:33:57,916 --> 00:34:01,516
you are reminded of your hype by everyone looking up at you

786
00:34:01,516 --> 00:34:04,136
yeah I just actually sent a letter to the BBB

787
00:34:04,136 --> 00:34:05,756
about you

788
00:34:05,756 --> 00:34:07,556
the better barbers bureau

789
00:34:07,556 --> 00:34:11,296
yes

790
00:34:11,296 --> 00:34:14,016
and they're gonna shut you down

791
00:34:14,016 --> 00:34:15,596
post haste

792
00:34:15,596 --> 00:34:17,636
before you

793
00:34:17,636 --> 00:34:20,636
put a stamp on that.

794
00:34:21,836 --> 00:34:23,956
Look at this rotating pole.

795
00:34:26,456 --> 00:34:27,216
Whoa.

796
00:34:27,716 --> 00:34:28,296
Whoa.

797
00:34:29,296 --> 00:34:32,436
You won't send that letter.

798
00:34:33,256 --> 00:34:35,136
I already did.

799
00:34:35,716 --> 00:34:37,796
You'll send a follow-up letter.

800
00:34:37,956 --> 00:34:39,236
I'm doing it now.

801
00:34:39,336 --> 00:34:41,856
That says, just kidding, BBB.

802
00:34:42,556 --> 00:34:45,056
That was a fun little prank I just pulled.

803
00:34:45,056 --> 00:34:51,056
I actually love Cleveland and his barbershop.

804
00:34:52,456 --> 00:34:52,796
Scent.

805
00:34:56,516 --> 00:34:57,536
What happened?

806
00:34:59,216 --> 00:35:02,056
Whoa, you are just about to get a wonderful haircut.

807
00:35:02,756 --> 00:35:04,056
Oh, thanks. I really need that.

808
00:35:05,456 --> 00:35:07,156
Do you notice anything special about me?

809
00:35:09,216 --> 00:35:10,376
Just your height.

810
00:35:10,776 --> 00:35:11,136
No!

811
00:35:12,136 --> 00:35:13,876
You couldn't possibly know this.

812
00:35:15,056 --> 00:35:16,736
I had a family member die recently.

813
00:35:20,476 --> 00:35:21,716
Alright, Joe.

814
00:35:23,396 --> 00:35:25,636
I think Joe was tallying the points.

815
00:35:25,816 --> 00:35:26,436
I sure was.

816
00:35:26,616 --> 00:35:26,796
Yeah.

817
00:35:27,436 --> 00:35:27,996
Who won?

818
00:35:29,136 --> 00:35:30,036
Francis won.

819
00:35:30,196 --> 00:35:31,216
Oh, my God.

820
00:35:31,216 --> 00:35:31,896
Not by a lot, but.

821
00:35:32,216 --> 00:35:33,136
Oh, it doesn't matter.

822
00:35:34,196 --> 00:35:35,076
Win is a win.

823
00:35:35,436 --> 00:35:39,696
Francis had five big audible laughs and you had six.

824
00:35:40,076 --> 00:35:42,076
Oh, okay.

825
00:35:42,076 --> 00:35:49,376
Okay, well, that has been a successful installment of Don't Make Me Laugh.

826
00:35:50,776 --> 00:35:53,036
Princess, are you okay?

827
00:35:53,056 --> 00:35:53,956
I went away. I'm back.

828
00:35:54,956 --> 00:35:57,216
You're too busy just reveling in your victory?

829
00:35:57,596 --> 00:36:00,056
Yes. I'm just thinking of my nine-foot-tall grandma.

830
00:36:02,196 --> 00:36:03,736
Her head got cut off.

831
00:36:07,196 --> 00:36:07,756
By?

832
00:36:08,616 --> 00:36:09,196
A fan.

833
00:36:10,316 --> 00:36:11,896
Someone that really liked her?

834
00:36:12,076 --> 00:36:14,536
not a ceiling fan

835
00:36:14,536 --> 00:36:16,356
yeah no she was stalked

836
00:36:16,356 --> 00:36:16,656
yeah

837
00:36:16,656 --> 00:36:19,756
it's the dangers of being 9 feet tall

838
00:36:19,756 --> 00:36:20,216
yeah

839
00:36:20,216 --> 00:36:22,096
you're gonna have fans

840
00:36:22,096 --> 00:36:23,916
you can't get away from them either

841
00:36:23,916 --> 00:36:26,816
due to your disgusting height

842
00:36:26,816 --> 00:36:28,736
they're always gonna notice you in a crowd

843
00:36:28,736 --> 00:36:29,336
yeah

844
00:36:29,336 --> 00:36:31,336
and you get to see all the dirty shells

845
00:36:31,336 --> 00:36:32,596
hard life

846
00:36:32,596 --> 00:36:34,156
yeah

847
00:36:34,156 --> 00:36:39,096
but you're that much closer to Camp Carbon

848
00:36:39,096 --> 00:36:40,916
than everybody else

849
00:36:40,916 --> 00:36:44,916
thanks for plugging my camp

850
00:36:44,916 --> 00:36:45,416
yeah

851
00:36:45,416 --> 00:36:48,576
if you'd like to go to Camp Carbon

852
00:36:48,576 --> 00:36:50,916
go to friendslikeuspod.com

853
00:36:50,916 --> 00:36:52,656
and we're gonna be

854
00:36:52,656 --> 00:36:54,336
accepting entries

855
00:36:54,336 --> 00:36:56,796
for the lucky few people

856
00:36:56,796 --> 00:36:59,136
yeah and send me money because I did a nice

857
00:36:59,136 --> 00:37:01,116
thing and I deserve it yeah please send Francis

858
00:37:01,116 --> 00:37:03,216
money um he deserves

859
00:37:03,216 --> 00:37:05,196
it and don't send him

860
00:37:05,196 --> 00:37:07,136
extra carbon he gets to pick

861
00:37:07,136 --> 00:37:09,316
how he gets his extra yeah don't worry I have that all figured out

862
00:37:09,316 --> 00:37:11,336
Yeah, he's got his own plan for extra carbon.

863
00:37:11,416 --> 00:37:12,896
He doesn't need your extra carbon.

864
00:37:12,896 --> 00:37:14,556
I actually leave my car idling in the garage overnight,

865
00:37:14,696 --> 00:37:16,036
so when I leave in the morning, I can just go.

866
00:37:16,576 --> 00:37:17,496
Yeah, that's smart.

867
00:37:17,976 --> 00:37:19,396
Yeah, turning your wrist is dangerous.

868
00:37:20,016 --> 00:37:24,836
Oh, you know how many wrist-related deaths there are in the U.S. every year?

869
00:37:25,076 --> 00:37:25,296
Dozens.

870
00:37:26,076 --> 00:37:27,056
Dozens of hundreds.

871
00:37:27,296 --> 00:37:28,656
Yeah, dozens of gajillions.

872
00:37:28,936 --> 00:37:29,136
Yeah.

873
00:37:29,376 --> 00:37:30,496
Surprise, we have wrists.

874
00:37:31,196 --> 00:37:33,856
I know, at this point, it's more of a liability just to have it.

875
00:37:33,956 --> 00:37:35,776
Yeah, just use the elbow and move on.

876
00:37:36,516 --> 00:37:36,756
Yeah.

877
00:37:39,316 --> 00:37:40,376
Cool, cool, cool.

878
00:37:40,736 --> 00:37:41,296
All right.

879
00:37:42,096 --> 00:37:43,536
It's time for our final segment.

880
00:37:44,496 --> 00:37:46,156
The Big Question.

881
00:37:48,056 --> 00:37:50,436
The question is very big.

882
00:37:51,296 --> 00:37:52,296
I have a big question for you.

883
00:37:52,396 --> 00:37:52,816
Oh, great.

884
00:37:54,236 --> 00:37:55,036
I have a big answer.

885
00:37:55,116 --> 00:37:55,976
Let's see if they match.

886
00:37:56,776 --> 00:37:58,776
And I hate myself.

887
00:38:00,056 --> 00:38:00,856
Oh, yeah.

888
00:38:01,076 --> 00:38:02,396
No, you're not allowed.

889
00:38:02,916 --> 00:38:03,196
Okay.

890
00:38:03,356 --> 00:38:04,456
So here's my big question.

891
00:38:04,676 --> 00:38:06,276
And please don't let this offend you.

892
00:38:07,336 --> 00:38:07,736
Okay.

893
00:38:07,996 --> 00:38:09,376
Now I'm primed to be offended.

894
00:38:09,616 --> 00:38:11,096
Well, okay.

895
00:38:14,096 --> 00:38:20,516
My big question is, you have to do this for the survival of the planet, okay?

896
00:38:20,516 --> 00:38:21,596
You can't get out of this.

897
00:38:21,996 --> 00:38:22,296
Okay.

898
00:38:22,416 --> 00:38:24,036
I need you to form a plan.

899
00:38:26,996 --> 00:38:29,016
I'm making you figure all the logistics out.

900
00:38:29,836 --> 00:38:31,056
Don't tell anyone, though.

901
00:38:31,176 --> 00:38:31,916
You tell me.

902
00:38:32,516 --> 00:38:33,836
No, my big question is this.

903
00:38:33,836 --> 00:38:39,876
If you had to, to save humanity, how would you seduce the Pope?

904
00:38:41,736 --> 00:38:43,436
Am I allowed to tell him?

905
00:38:43,616 --> 00:38:44,076
No.

906
00:38:45,336 --> 00:38:53,896
No, you just have to get him to go against everything he believes for one night of Juby time.

907
00:38:56,956 --> 00:38:58,316
Oh, um.

908
00:38:59,816 --> 00:39:00,376
Yeah.

909
00:39:00,376 --> 00:39:02,556
yeah

910
00:39:02,556 --> 00:39:04,776
yes

911
00:39:04,776 --> 00:39:07,096
okay

912
00:39:07,096 --> 00:39:09,856
well the new pope

913
00:39:09,856 --> 00:39:13,376
luckily is a younger guy

914
00:39:13,376 --> 00:39:14,936
youngish

915
00:39:14,936 --> 00:39:15,956
by pope standards

916
00:39:15,956 --> 00:39:17,076
I don't know if it's worth bringing up

917
00:39:17,076 --> 00:39:19,036
he's still pretty old

918
00:39:19,036 --> 00:39:20,616
but I mean I feel like the last ones

919
00:39:20,616 --> 00:39:22,416
the last couple popes have been like

920
00:39:22,416 --> 00:39:26,136
they kind of look like skins falling off of them

921
00:39:26,136 --> 00:39:28,556
yeah but don't you think it would be easier to swindle

922
00:39:28,556 --> 00:39:30,036
someone who's

923
00:39:30,036 --> 00:39:31,396
much much older

924
00:39:31,396 --> 00:39:34,396
um

925
00:39:34,396 --> 00:39:36,496
yeah maybe

926
00:39:36,496 --> 00:39:38,276
I don't know

927
00:39:38,276 --> 00:39:40,416
back to your young pope

928
00:39:40,416 --> 00:39:42,796
but he's also from Chicago right

929
00:39:42,796 --> 00:39:44,556
is he? yeah

930
00:39:44,556 --> 00:39:45,436
so

931
00:39:45,436 --> 00:39:47,716
I think

932
00:39:47,716 --> 00:39:49,696
I would

933
00:39:49,696 --> 00:39:52,936
I'd suggest

934
00:39:52,936 --> 00:39:54,596
we go out for some Chicago dogs

935
00:39:54,596 --> 00:39:56,576
hey let's get some yellow mustard

936
00:39:56,576 --> 00:40:10,374
on this bad boy You know this Dijon like they do in New York And then he be like okay that sounds really good You get me You get me So you bringing him to Chicago No I bringing the Chicago dogs to him because he probably misses them Oh you right

937
00:40:10,434 --> 00:40:13,394
But then I'd be like, hey, you want a hot dog? And he'd probably be like, I guess,

938
00:40:13,974 --> 00:40:16,974
but it's probably just going to be Dijon mustard, right? That's what they do in New York.

939
00:40:17,814 --> 00:40:23,014
I'm like, no, in Chicago, I know how they do it. And I got special yellow mustard just

940
00:40:23,014 --> 00:40:32,914
for you and he'd be like hey thank you so now his defenses are down he feels like hey like she gets

941
00:40:32,914 --> 00:40:42,154
me he knows a little bit about me and then we just chill like for a day like i would get to know him

942
00:40:42,154 --> 00:40:52,934
um like become friends with him um after the hot talk yeah and okay after the hot dog i had no

943
00:40:52,934 --> 00:40:55,534
but I mean like over like a period of several weeks.

944
00:40:55,694 --> 00:40:56,714
So you rode the dog in.

945
00:40:57,154 --> 00:40:57,394
Yeah.

946
00:40:57,494 --> 00:40:57,674
Okay.

947
00:40:57,734 --> 00:40:58,534
That was my entry.

948
00:40:58,674 --> 00:40:59,134
That's how I,

949
00:40:59,234 --> 00:41:01,854
that's how I get that audience with the Pope.

950
00:41:02,094 --> 00:41:02,374
Okay.

951
00:41:03,114 --> 00:41:04,194
Please inform the Pope.

952
00:41:04,294 --> 00:41:05,834
I have brought a hot dog.

953
00:41:05,994 --> 00:41:06,174
Oh,

954
00:41:06,254 --> 00:41:06,434
oh,

955
00:41:06,534 --> 00:41:08,234
but in case he's wondering if he should let me in,

956
00:41:08,474 --> 00:41:09,554
I have yellow mustard.

957
00:41:09,814 --> 00:41:10,034
Okay.

958
00:41:10,774 --> 00:41:11,174
Um,

959
00:41:11,894 --> 00:41:13,654
then I think,

960
00:41:14,394 --> 00:41:14,894
um,

961
00:41:15,994 --> 00:41:17,474
so it would be like totally chill.

962
00:41:18,554 --> 00:41:18,994
Um,

963
00:41:19,214 --> 00:41:20,094
right.

964
00:41:20,154 --> 00:41:22,914
And then I would,

965
00:41:22,934 --> 00:41:24,094
not make any kind of advances.

966
00:41:26,814 --> 00:41:27,174
And

967
00:41:27,174 --> 00:41:31,114
we would be just like cool friends,

968
00:41:31,214 --> 00:41:31,434
right?

969
00:41:31,854 --> 00:41:33,054
Because of this hot dog.

970
00:41:33,454 --> 00:41:35,374
What if he didn't like the flavor of the hot dog?

971
00:41:35,454 --> 00:41:37,094
Okay, no, no. He's going to like the hot dog.

972
00:41:37,734 --> 00:41:38,954
Okay, he definitely likes the hot dog.

973
00:41:39,074 --> 00:41:42,034
That part's done. It's signed, sealed, delivered.

974
00:41:42,194 --> 00:41:42,994
Okay, you're friends now.

975
00:41:43,134 --> 00:41:44,874
A post-dog relationship.

976
00:41:45,634 --> 00:41:47,814
Yes, let's separate ourselves from the hot dog.

977
00:41:47,814 --> 00:41:49,054
You'd like to stop talking about the hot dog.

978
00:41:49,054 --> 00:41:51,234
Yes, stop talking about the hot dog.

979
00:41:51,374 --> 00:41:51,534
Okay.

980
00:41:52,934 --> 00:42:00,874
Um, so then everyone would be like, hey, I've seen you hanging out with this chick a lot, right?

981
00:42:02,014 --> 00:42:06,434
Are you two like, you know, like.

982
00:42:06,754 --> 00:42:07,114
Banging?

983
00:42:08,054 --> 00:42:09,454
Yeah, or whatever.

984
00:42:09,674 --> 00:42:11,254
Maybe not as crude as that.

985
00:42:11,254 --> 00:42:13,414
Oh, I think guys are guys.

986
00:42:13,674 --> 00:42:17,194
So when everyone else is gone, I think all the cardinals are like, hey, Pope.

987
00:42:18,314 --> 00:42:18,794
Hey.

988
00:42:19,934 --> 00:42:20,294
Yeah.

989
00:42:21,094 --> 00:42:21,994
Hey, Pope.

990
00:42:22,134 --> 00:42:22,414
Hey.

991
00:42:22,934 --> 00:42:24,314
So you're with a lady.

992
00:42:25,194 --> 00:42:26,654
Whoa, she's making me hot.

993
00:42:26,834 --> 00:42:28,654
Oh, my eyes just goes to toes.

994
00:42:29,034 --> 00:42:30,814
You're going to take that or is it for me?

995
00:42:32,794 --> 00:42:34,454
And then he'd be like, no, no, no, no, no.

996
00:42:34,514 --> 00:42:36,534
It's really, we're genuinely just friends.

997
00:42:37,514 --> 00:42:40,034
And then, but people would still be talking about it.

998
00:42:40,094 --> 00:42:46,594
So eventually he'd come to me and he'd be like, hey, is this like really just platonic?

999
00:42:46,754 --> 00:42:50,854
And I'd be like, yeah, I'm like offended that you even asked that question.

1000
00:42:50,854 --> 00:42:53,274
and then I'd put it in his mind

1001
00:42:53,274 --> 00:42:55,614
like oh crap I'm the one that's

1002
00:42:55,614 --> 00:42:57,174
instigating this like ooh

1003
00:42:57,174 --> 00:42:58,314
right

1004
00:42:58,314 --> 00:43:00,974
and then I'd get him drunk

1005
00:43:00,974 --> 00:43:05,654
and then his defenses would be down

1006
00:43:05,654 --> 00:43:08,174
because I've already said no no no this is platonic

1007
00:43:08,174 --> 00:43:09,554
and you know he drinks wine

1008
00:43:09,554 --> 00:43:11,214
because of his popeness

1009
00:43:11,214 --> 00:43:13,474
so just more wine

1010
00:43:13,474 --> 00:43:14,954
I'd pour wine in wine

1011
00:43:14,954 --> 00:43:17,834
you just had to schedule a bunch of mass that day

1012
00:43:17,834 --> 00:43:19,394
yeah we got another one

1013
00:43:19,394 --> 00:43:26,554
i know okay back to back okay so then you get him drunk and his defenses would be down and then

1014
00:43:26,554 --> 00:43:35,254
and then uh yeah and eventually he'd be so disarmed by the fact that i didn't want any of

1015
00:43:35,254 --> 00:43:40,634
this that he'd start like being like well why doesn't you know you know how it's like you

1016
00:43:40,634 --> 00:43:47,054
find out someone doesn't like you and then you're like they should now i like them yeah well no but

1017
00:43:47,054 --> 00:43:51,794
well i i don't really know that either i'm just other people do other people do they seem to yeah

1018
00:43:51,794 --> 00:43:58,614
anyway so that's how you got the pope yeah and then you're welcome world okay so i guess we both

1019
00:43:58,614 --> 00:44:07,254
saved the world okay did you enjoy it no you have too popey right too popey too popey he insisted on

1020
00:44:07,254 --> 00:44:14,254
leaving the hat on what is that it's cool i don't know i guess if you had to be rank under there

1021
00:44:14,254 --> 00:44:17,014
No, really? I feel like it would be very airy.

1022
00:44:17,094 --> 00:44:18,114
I bet he keeps things in it.

1023
00:44:18,134 --> 00:44:18,994
No, all hats smell.

1024
00:44:19,794 --> 00:44:20,874
All hats smell.

1025
00:44:20,894 --> 00:44:21,494
Hats are gross.

1026
00:44:22,354 --> 00:44:22,614
Okay.

1027
00:44:23,374 --> 00:44:24,434
Take your word for it.

1028
00:44:24,634 --> 00:44:24,794
Yeah.

1029
00:44:24,914 --> 00:44:27,354
My head's generally too big for normal-sized hats.

1030
00:44:27,774 --> 00:44:28,014
Oh.

1031
00:44:28,214 --> 00:44:29,614
They don't quite fit on my head.

1032
00:44:30,614 --> 00:44:31,034
Me neither.

1033
00:44:31,794 --> 00:44:32,894
I have an egg-shaped head.

1034
00:44:34,534 --> 00:44:36,214
Wait, wouldn't that mean it's like pointy or on top?

1035
00:44:36,874 --> 00:44:38,234
Okay, then it's not an egg.

1036
00:44:38,794 --> 00:44:39,694
It's a sideways egg.

1037
00:44:40,134 --> 00:44:41,154
Yeah, it's a long egg.

1038
00:44:41,714 --> 00:44:43,574
Hey, Francis, that's my show.

1039
00:44:44,974 --> 00:44:45,974
Oh, like, hey, Arnold.

1040
00:44:46,094 --> 00:44:46,334
Yeah.

1041
00:44:47,714 --> 00:44:49,134
Thank you for telling me your plan.

1042
00:44:49,594 --> 00:44:50,614
I think it would work.

1043
00:44:51,454 --> 00:44:52,034
Probably would.

1044
00:44:52,094 --> 00:44:53,594
People love to get drunk and have accidents.

1045
00:44:54,494 --> 00:44:54,674
Yeah.

1046
00:44:55,654 --> 00:44:56,134
I hear.

1047
00:44:57,134 --> 00:44:57,914
Do you have a plan?

1048
00:44:58,574 --> 00:44:59,014
Yes, I do.

1049
00:44:59,294 --> 00:45:00,274
Okay, I would like to hear it.

1050
00:45:00,694 --> 00:45:02,214
It's a little...

1051
00:45:02,214 --> 00:45:02,814
I'll just tell you.

1052
00:45:03,194 --> 00:45:04,314
It does not involve a hot dog.

1053
00:45:05,594 --> 00:45:06,874
The best plans do.

1054
00:45:07,294 --> 00:45:07,494
Yeah.

1055
00:45:07,714 --> 00:45:07,914
Sorry.

1056
00:45:08,614 --> 00:45:09,734
I bring my own hot dog.

1057
00:45:10,854 --> 00:45:12,054
So here's my plan.

1058
00:45:12,054 --> 00:45:24,654
My plan is I'm going to become a very important religious installation in the Vatican.

1059
00:45:25,214 --> 00:45:32,694
Well, after your carbon catheter comes out, you're going to be an important installation in most esteemed circles.

1060
00:45:32,694 --> 00:45:33,194
Right, right.

1061
00:45:33,194 --> 00:45:35,154
And I'll be like, oh, where do you think I got that idea?

1062
00:45:35,154 --> 00:45:42,814
god talked to me and he told me i need to go to the vatican and do important catholic work

1063
00:45:42,814 --> 00:45:48,194
catheter catholic work and they'd laugh at the pun yeah like this guy yeah i'm like you got it

1064
00:45:48,194 --> 00:45:54,274
you know me anyway so i'd move to the vatican and i would act like i was working it'd be like

1065
00:45:54,274 --> 00:45:58,754
a paintbrush with like no paint on it and i'm like moving it up and down the wall every time

1066
00:45:58,754 --> 00:46:04,134
the pope comes out i wave and twiddle my fingers i'm just doing my work here yeah then here's where

1067
00:46:04,134 --> 00:46:09,274
things really good and i do a lot of good work okay and i help people okay i put marbles on the

1068
00:46:09,274 --> 00:46:17,354
steps he trips i catch him whoa mr pope and then oh and then you make another pun like you almost

1069
00:46:17,354 --> 00:46:22,854
lost your marbles yeah he laughs too and his hat comes off thank god but it smells under there yeah

1070
00:46:22,854 --> 00:46:29,474
i hire a wind to take it away you get a mini carbon catheter to take away little smells yeah

1071
00:46:29,474 --> 00:46:30,894
I have like a plague doctor mask on.

1072
00:46:32,514 --> 00:46:32,874
Okay.

1073
00:46:33,034 --> 00:46:33,214
Yeah.

1074
00:46:33,294 --> 00:46:33,534
Anyway.

1075
00:46:35,094 --> 00:46:39,674
He's not attracted to me due to his being straight and the Pope.

1076
00:46:40,914 --> 00:46:41,314
But.

1077
00:46:41,634 --> 00:46:41,854
Yeah.

1078
00:46:43,094 --> 00:46:44,514
Right in the middle of my good work.

1079
00:46:44,694 --> 00:46:48,474
Let's say I just kissed a leprous baby and handed it back to his parent.

1080
00:46:49,174 --> 00:46:49,474
Okay.

1081
00:46:50,614 --> 00:46:52,154
Leprosy is a big problem in the Vatican.

1082
00:46:52,374 --> 00:46:52,854
It's making a comeback.

1083
00:46:53,034 --> 00:46:53,814
It's making a comeback.

1084
00:46:53,894 --> 00:46:54,054
Yeah.

1085
00:46:54,634 --> 00:46:55,734
Sounds cute, doesn't it?

1086
00:46:55,954 --> 00:46:57,354
Like a baby that looks like a little leopard.

1087
00:46:58,294 --> 00:46:58,994
Yeah, it does.

1088
00:46:58,994 --> 00:46:59,234
Yeah.

1089
00:46:59,474 --> 00:47:06,294
adorable it's not as cute yeah as it sounds no i didn't really kiss it by the way oh good

1090
00:47:06,294 --> 00:47:10,934
parents just think i did yeah i did the noise good luck yeah

1091
00:47:10,934 --> 00:47:17,334
yeah so anyway that night i start to do one of these

1092
00:47:17,334 --> 00:47:27,814
and then and like cardinal rushes in and they're like my god what's that going on in here and i'm

1093
00:47:27,814 --> 00:47:28,574
I'm like, get the Pope.

1094
00:47:29,434 --> 00:47:30,434
Get the Pope.

1095
00:47:31,394 --> 00:47:33,274
And they bring the Pope and they're like, what's going on?

1096
00:47:33,274 --> 00:47:37,514
And I say that I just had a vision.

1097
00:47:38,994 --> 00:47:41,214
A vision from God.

1098
00:47:42,154 --> 00:47:44,874
And you're not going to believe this.

1099
00:47:45,634 --> 00:47:49,774
But he said, we got to do it.

1100
00:47:51,054 --> 00:47:51,774
God, isn't that weird?

1101
00:47:51,814 --> 00:47:52,534
I don't want to do that.

1102
00:47:53,114 --> 00:47:53,934
You don't want to do that, right?

1103
00:47:53,974 --> 00:47:55,474
And he's like, no.

1104
00:47:56,394 --> 00:47:57,534
I'm like, that's what I told him.

1105
00:47:57,814 --> 00:48:01,194
But God said, remember that baby today?

1106
00:48:02,454 --> 00:48:09,294
If you don't figure it out with the Pope, I'm going to turn that baby into a leopard.

1107
00:48:10,694 --> 00:48:11,574
Into a leopard?

1108
00:48:12,154 --> 00:48:12,594
Yeah.

1109
00:48:12,814 --> 00:48:14,214
The final stages of leprosy.

1110
00:48:16,074 --> 00:48:17,994
And the Pope's like, gosh, really?

1111
00:48:18,814 --> 00:48:20,694
And I'm like, gosh, really?

1112
00:48:22,254 --> 00:48:25,594
And he's like, hey, can all the cardinals leave the room?

1113
00:48:25,734 --> 00:48:27,794
This is happening in an accident, but I don't feel like doing it.

1114
00:48:27,814 --> 00:48:28,334
Oh, that's fine.

1115
00:48:28,414 --> 00:48:29,614
Yeah, he's like, can all the cardinals leave the room?

1116
00:48:29,674 --> 00:48:30,634
It's just me and the Pope.

1117
00:48:30,674 --> 00:48:31,414
And I'm like...

1118
00:48:31,414 --> 00:48:33,254
Is it happening in an accent, a Chicago accent?

1119
00:48:35,114 --> 00:48:35,434
Yeah.

1120
00:48:35,554 --> 00:48:35,874
Hey.

1121
00:48:36,134 --> 00:48:36,694
No, he switched.

1122
00:48:36,814 --> 00:48:37,294
He switched.

1123
00:48:37,654 --> 00:48:37,974
Duh bears.

1124
00:48:38,594 --> 00:48:38,734
No?

1125
00:48:38,954 --> 00:48:39,314
Oh, okay.

1126
00:48:40,334 --> 00:48:40,874
He switched.

1127
00:48:40,954 --> 00:48:42,154
When he got to the Vatican, he went...

1128
00:48:42,154 --> 00:48:44,174
You gotta go full Italian once you're in the Vatican.

1129
00:48:44,174 --> 00:48:44,554
It's required.

1130
00:48:44,654 --> 00:48:45,754
They'll give you lessons on the accent.

1131
00:48:46,674 --> 00:48:50,014
Anyway, so I basically look at him in the eye and I say, Sir Pope.

1132
00:48:51,074 --> 00:48:51,694
What's his name?

1133
00:48:51,814 --> 00:48:53,194
Mr. Pope, I think is what we've established.

1134
00:48:53,194 --> 00:48:53,714
Mr. Sir Pope.

1135
00:48:53,834 --> 00:48:54,674
Leo XIV.

1136
00:48:54,994 --> 00:48:55,314
Leo.

1137
00:48:55,554 --> 00:48:56,414
I'm not saying all that.

1138
00:48:56,634 --> 00:48:57,354
Sir, I say.

1139
00:48:57,814 --> 00:49:00,574
if you just want to tell people we did this,

1140
00:49:01,194 --> 00:49:02,654
that's fine with me.

1141
00:49:02,654 --> 00:49:04,374
Cause I know neither one of us wants this.

1142
00:49:04,474 --> 00:49:04,874
Trust me.

1143
00:49:04,934 --> 00:49:06,814
And babies die every day.

1144
00:49:07,674 --> 00:49:09,354
So we can just act like we did it.

1145
00:49:10,854 --> 00:49:11,334
I mean,

1146
00:49:11,334 --> 00:49:11,814
he's like,

1147
00:49:12,334 --> 00:49:13,574
no,

1148
00:49:14,534 --> 00:49:15,814
we're going to do it.

1149
00:49:15,854 --> 00:49:16,334
And I'm like,

1150
00:49:16,374 --> 00:49:17,254
I don't want to.

1151
00:49:17,354 --> 00:49:17,894
And he's like,

1152
00:49:18,814 --> 00:49:21,794
I'll be damned if that baby becomes a leopard.

1153
00:49:23,434 --> 00:49:24,394
And so I'm like,

1154
00:49:24,414 --> 00:49:24,634
God,

1155
00:49:24,734 --> 00:49:24,934
okay,

1156
00:49:24,994 --> 00:49:25,674
I guess.

1157
00:49:25,674 --> 00:49:28,274
and so he makes it his idea

1158
00:49:28,274 --> 00:49:31,634
who knows what happens with the baby

1159
00:49:31,634 --> 00:49:34,014
because as you know I fabricated the whole thing

1160
00:49:34,014 --> 00:49:36,434
well the baby wouldn't turn into a leopard

1161
00:49:36,434 --> 00:49:37,554
either way huh

1162
00:49:37,554 --> 00:49:40,094
yeah so then he'll have thought

1163
00:49:40,094 --> 00:49:42,834
but he did a good thing

1164
00:49:42,834 --> 00:49:45,114
yeah see and I did all that

1165
00:49:45,114 --> 00:49:46,694
and I never had to buy a hot dog

1166
00:49:46,694 --> 00:49:52,214
but you did have to fake kiss a leprous baby

1167
00:49:52,214 --> 00:49:53,214
I know I'm brave

1168
00:49:53,214 --> 00:50:03,274
uh all right i just remembered something well i think that uh we just both saved the world

1169
00:50:03,274 --> 00:50:07,334
so you're welcome world wait great saving the world with you jubes

1170
00:50:07,334 --> 00:50:15,654
i'll come up with a nickname okay all right someday great it's gonna be organic can't wait

1171
00:50:15,654 --> 00:50:22,034
all right that wraps up the big question the big question there's only one final thing to do

1172
00:50:22,034 --> 00:50:31,134
francis guess our words guess our secret words i think i know your word really well crap i might

1173
00:50:31,134 --> 00:50:36,534
not i probably don't i don't know i don't think i know your word okay i do i was pretty good with

1174
00:50:36,534 --> 00:50:45,854
mine so you probably don't that's okay is your word mustard it is not is it hypnotized nope and

1175
00:50:45,854 --> 00:50:47,434
My last guess is fanciful.

1176
00:50:48,154 --> 00:50:48,634
Nope.

1177
00:50:50,874 --> 00:50:51,354
No.

1178
00:50:51,714 --> 00:50:52,194
What is it?

1179
00:50:52,894 --> 00:50:53,374
Separate.

1180
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:55,614
That's a stupid word.

1181
00:50:55,674 --> 00:50:57,194
That's also not your word.

1182
00:50:57,354 --> 00:50:57,854
Yeah, it is.

1183
00:50:57,914 --> 00:50:58,594
It's separation.

1184
00:50:59,634 --> 00:51:01,034
No, it's...

1185
00:51:01,034 --> 00:51:01,774
I wrote down...

1186
00:51:01,774 --> 00:51:03,054
Oh, I did write down separation.

1187
00:51:03,874 --> 00:51:04,314
No!

1188
00:51:05,954 --> 00:51:07,214
Well, point for me.

1189
00:51:07,474 --> 00:51:07,634
No.

1190
00:51:07,794 --> 00:51:08,234
Crap.

1191
00:51:08,454 --> 00:51:09,354
No point for Jenna.

1192
00:51:09,454 --> 00:51:10,094
No point for you.

1193
00:51:10,314 --> 00:51:10,834
Ugh.

1194
00:51:11,214 --> 00:51:13,114
I can't believe I did that.

1195
00:51:13,114 --> 00:51:14,514
If you said separation, I would have got it.

1196
00:51:15,854 --> 00:51:17,874
If I just said it properly.

1197
00:51:18,154 --> 00:51:18,354
Yeah.

1198
00:51:19,654 --> 00:51:21,594
I can't believe I did that.

1199
00:51:22,434 --> 00:51:23,354
Can you believe it's butter?

1200
00:51:24,394 --> 00:51:25,054
I'm sorry.

1201
00:51:25,194 --> 00:51:25,854
Do you have a guess?

1202
00:51:27,554 --> 00:51:28,474
Is it Juby?

1203
00:51:30,994 --> 00:51:32,894
I want her to get a half point for saying that.

1204
00:51:32,974 --> 00:51:33,494
That was funny.

1205
00:51:34,054 --> 00:51:34,494
No.

1206
00:51:35,254 --> 00:51:35,694
No.

1207
00:51:38,094 --> 00:51:38,674
All right.

1208
00:51:38,674 --> 00:51:39,734
Well, thank you for the half point.

1209
00:51:40,154 --> 00:51:40,974
Here's the quote.

1210
00:51:41,094 --> 00:51:44,054
If you don't have a guess, I'll tell you the line I said, and I won't say the word.

1211
00:51:44,254 --> 00:51:44,514
Okay.

1212
00:51:44,514 --> 00:51:48,194
what if he doesn't like the blank of the hot dog

1213
00:51:48,194 --> 00:51:53,194
oh uh uh uh

1214
00:51:53,194 --> 00:52:02,194
was it flavor yeah it was flavor whoa yeah i thought that was a weird way to describe a hot dog

1215
00:52:02,194 --> 00:52:07,834
flavor of a hot dog yeah what other flavors does it come in it comes in hot dog flavor

1216
00:52:07,834 --> 00:52:09,494
okay well

1217
00:52:09,494 --> 00:52:13,394
well nicely done

1218
00:52:13,394 --> 00:52:15,634
I can't believe I didn't say the word

1219
00:52:15,634 --> 00:52:16,174
correctly

1220
00:52:16,174 --> 00:52:19,314
you got a half point for

1221
00:52:19,314 --> 00:52:21,114
guessing Juby and

1222
00:52:21,114 --> 00:52:23,454
let's give you a half point

1223
00:52:23,454 --> 00:52:25,374
for guessing it out of

1224
00:52:25,374 --> 00:52:26,754
that context

1225
00:52:26,754 --> 00:52:29,834
so we're taking away the half point for Juby

1226
00:52:29,834 --> 00:52:31,534
no I only earned

1227
00:52:31,534 --> 00:52:32,814
a half a point on that one

1228
00:52:32,814 --> 00:52:34,254
Francis

1229
00:52:34,254 --> 00:52:37,594
your lead is widening

1230
00:52:37,594 --> 00:52:39,594
I just want everyone to get along.

1231
00:52:40,054 --> 00:52:40,574
I know.

1232
00:52:40,814 --> 00:52:42,914
Producer just wants us to be friends.

1233
00:52:43,214 --> 00:52:44,074
Friends like us.

1234
00:52:44,654 --> 00:52:46,614
Be nice to my friends like us.

1235
00:52:47,714 --> 00:52:48,654
Well, I had fun.

1236
00:52:48,914 --> 00:52:49,314
All right.

1237
00:52:49,634 --> 00:52:53,894
Well, thanks for listening, listeners.

1238
00:52:54,074 --> 00:52:54,994
You sound all sad now.

1239
00:52:55,154 --> 00:52:55,954
I am all sad.

1240
00:52:56,014 --> 00:52:57,274
I can't believe I did that.

1241
00:52:57,954 --> 00:52:59,994
What a ruined day this is.

1242
00:53:00,014 --> 00:53:00,254
I know.

1243
00:53:00,314 --> 00:53:01,814
We should turn the lights off and kiss.

1244
00:53:03,414 --> 00:53:04,374
That'll show it.

1245
00:53:05,514 --> 00:53:06,434
All right.

1246
00:53:06,494 --> 00:53:07,354
Well, thanks for listening.

1247
00:53:07,594 --> 00:53:08,734
Bye.