when you were a kid did you like bouncy castles
maybe when i was in one i never think i thought about them when i wasn't
um it was so when it was right in front of you you enjoyed it you never like wanted one i wasn't
wanting for a bouncy house but i would get in one yeah uh i i felt like um i never thought that
they were that fun and it was one of those things as a kid i was like i can't tell anybody that i
don't enjoy this but it just was a lot of like you fell a lot it was like a lot of falling down
and then it's hard to get back up again and then when you fall there's always a kid that just like
comes and jumps right next to your head because they think it's funny that you're on the ground
and they're bouncing you up and down?
I think it's a metaphor for life.
You know?
I guess I like picturing you as the one kid,
like the sober kid in the corner,
like with a bobby pin or like a safety pin,
like trying to end this fun.
I could ruin this for all of you.
Bounce near my head again, Cleveland.
How did you know I knew a Cleveland growing up?
We all know Cleveland.
The president.
Grover.
Yes.
um yeah i just uh i don't know maybe i maybe as an adult do they do they do them for adults now
i'm sure yeah you can actually order one whenever you want this is kind of a sweet perk of being an
adult that's true actually you don't even have to have a birthday or a block party or
would it be funny if it was just like we ordered one it was like just us in it
the neighborhood kids come on no yeah absolutely not this is for us get out of your
next generation of clevelands everyone all the kids every child is named cleveland
yeah and then when they turn 18 they get their real name
that's true yeah that's that's just you're just stating facts i don't like it but that's the
country we're living what are we gonna do at this point exactly that's why there's so few keychains
with names on them anymore.
I know.
Because it was just a whole rack full of Clevelands.
Yeah, and so many people keep the name.
Isn't that weird?
That is weird.
You'd think that you'd want to be free of the shackles of Cleveland
once you hit 18.
That's what I think, Cleveland.
Yeah.
Well, welcome to Friends Like Us,
a podcast where friends talk about stuff.
How are you doing, Francis?
I'll tell you what.
I don't really know.
That's fair.
You don't always have to know.
Yeah, who knows?
I'll always ask.
Yeah.
But you don't always have to know.
Yeah.
Thank God being alive is involuntary.
It's involuntary.
It's like breathing.
It's just happening in the background.
If you had to remember to breathe.
I think today I would have been like, bye.
Cleveland out.
Well, I'm glad it's involuntary.
Thanks.
I'm glad you're here.
Thank you.
yeah i don't need help okay i don't feel like i'm worrying you uh no in fact the number of times
that you've said something to me like this is not a suicide thing i've i've come to just expect that
from you you'll know when it's a yeah yeah yeah because you won't send that so when i stop hearing
that that's when that's when i really need to be worried yeah when my representative cleveland
shows up to do the podcast.
You sent a Cleveland
in your stead.
Oh, I like that. A Cleveland in my stead.
That could be a title of a little pamphlet.
I don't know what would be in the pamphlet.
Well, that's how they make pamphlets.
They start with a title and then they work their way
backwards. A Cleveland in my stead.
I love it.
I'm going to make it. Look for it on the website.
Okay, cool. Yeah.
Go to friendslikeuspod.com
and check out Cleveland in My Stead,
the pamphlet that Francis is making.
And you're going to get so much information.
It's going to be probably the most informational pamphlet
that ever has been.
Yeah, I would have to agree with that.
It's a classic trifold.
Classic trifold.
You've got to go classic trifold.
Yeah, and I believe in front and back.
Oh, yeah.
not a wasted inch
but nothing
totally
it's the most sexual discussion about a pamphlet
it is
a pamphlet? you mean a deep Cleveland?
it is a little yeah we're being a little childish
about this pamphlet
but it will
in fact be sexy.
Oh, yeah.
This is an after hours.
Wait until your husband goes to bed before you look
at this pamphlet.
Keep it
away from the kids. You don't have to answer
any questions, weird questions.
You don't know how to answer.
You're going to need a separate pamphlet
telling you how to answer questions.
That's what the back of the pamphlet's for.
Explaining to your kids, your little Clevelands.
do you have a bunch of shitty little clevelands at home here's how to tell them about this pamphlet
um all right good well we look forward to it yes again go to friends like us pod.com
or i'm sure it'll also be on our various social medias which is at flu pod official
on every social media platform. So look for it there. Quick interruption. Every week on the
podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our
conversation without the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret
word, they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize,
whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is separation. Francis's secret word is flavor. Back to the pod.
um well while you're making that in the background in the foreground let's make
an invention of the week cool
inventions
okay i thought long and hard about this okay good i don't like those slapdash ones you know i
I know, and I can always tell when you're secretly upset about my invention.
So I was thinking a lot about the planet today.
You know, where we call home, Earth.
What, the third rock from the sun?
Yes, that's my favorite show with a name about Earth.
Did you know that?
What about planet Earth?
That's good, too.
But third rock from the sun.
Third rock from the sun.
The show could suck, and that's still a good title.
That is good.
Yeah.
I was not saying I'm attracted to her, by the way,
but I like the look of that lady in that show.
She's got a look.
She's a very stately lady.
She's tall.
Yeah, she's a tall, sturdy woman.
Yes.
She's good prairie folk.
Yeah.
If she was a coffee table, you wouldn't have to put anything under one of the legs.
No.
Yeah.
Oh, no, it would be solid.
Very solid.
Yeah.
What's her name?
Kristen Johnson.
That's right.
I'm thinking Kristen Stewart, which I know they're both listeners.
So Kristen Johnson, I apologize.
Kristen Stewart.
Hello.
Hi, how you doing?
You're always on my mind.
And yeah, so sorry about that, Kristen.
Kristen J.
KJ.
As we call her at parties.
We go to parties with her, actually.
Yeah, we do.
Which is why it's so embarrassing that I forgot her last name.
Sometimes you're just too close to someone.
Exactly.
I actually just remembered I had a dream last night that I didn't know your real name.
My name?
Yeah.
Francis?
It occurred to me that I was like, oh my God, he's never told me his last name.
And then you were like, that's not even my real first name either.
it's Cleveland
but it was like it was one of those things where I woke up
and I was like
for like a half a second I thought it was real
and then
and then I remembered
that I actually do know your real name
so
that's a good dream
thanks
anyway back to
if I was going to call you a fake name I would
I think I would go with Juby
thank you
yeah
do I look like a Juby
No, I just think it sounds cute and has a J in it.
Oh, okay.
I'll take it.
Okay.
Thanks.
You got it, Joubs.
Cleveland Joubs.
Jouvy Cleave.
My invention.
Yes, your invention.
You were thinking about this big blue marble that we're all rotating on.
Yeah, that we're here and against our will and perhaps with no purpose.
Anyway, I was thinking, man, we're making it dirty.
I'm in a sustainable cities class right now
so this is
I'm inspired about
you know
cleaning the earth
sure
earth appreciates it
yeah
and I like earth
yeah
even though I walk upon it
it's okay with that
it's come to terms with the fact that people walk on it
it likes it
earth
if you're listening
and we know you are
we know you are
friend of the pod earth
sorry we walk on you
thanks for being cool about it
well it's a
earth is a masochist
it wants it.
Does it like to be called that the earth?
We're sorry.
No, you're right.
You're not a masochist.
You just have particular tastes.
Yeah, I shouldn't have spoke for you.
I hate myself.
Love you, though.
Yeah, you're great.
Keep up the good work.
Yeah.
So here's the invention.
The invention is,
you know how we have too much carbon?
Yes.
Yeah, it's like all around.
Oh my God.
It's trapped.
Yeah.
We're like swimming in carbon.
Yeah.
You are going to love this.
all right so you know how no one can figure it out yes well i'm here now the invention is this
you invented figuring it out i just know it now i know the answer and i won't be sharing it
the invention is
a there's there's several of these mind you but i just want to explain one of them okay it's a big
fat tube.
Okay.
And the tube
lets carbon in.
It's a carbon
welcoming tube.
It is a tube that receives carbon.
It is a carbon receptive
tube.
And what happens is
the tube goes
very, very high
and pokes out of the
planet into outer
space.
so it sucks in carbon and then blows it out of earth into outer space so it's a big vent system
yeah and we could get all the extra carbon out and keep polluting because that seems to be the
easiest thing it's just not to change our ways yeah people that seems to be that would
So figuring out an option that doesn't involve changing human behavior would be the easiest option.
Yeah.
I'm thinking 10, 12 tubes.
Strategically placed.
Yeah.
Big cities.
Around that big old masochist earth.
Yeah, big dirty cities.
Suck all the carbon out.
I'm picturing like the vent, like the big, like, you know, when they do construction
and then they put those tubes on the side of the thing to like throw debris down into the,
So they could just throw it off the side of the building.
Oh, yeah.
I'm picturing one of those, but just going straight up to the sky.
Yeah, and all the way up, we could have wind turbines on it.
So we're sucking out carbon, we're making wind energy.
What if someone gets too close to it?
Do they go like, whoa, and they get sucked into it?
Oh, where the carbon goes in?
Yeah.
Well no I don think so Are you worried that carbon is too omnipresent to actually be funneled properly into a tube
No.
Okay, good.
I think carbon wants to go to outer space.
Are you worried about what pumping carbon into space might do?
No, because space is black and carbon's black.
Wait, what?
Space won't know carbon's in it.
We see the carbon everywhere because it's black.
Oh, this car isn't emissions.
How dumb am I?
I don't know.
This sounds pretty smart to me.
12 strategically placed tubes all around the big old masochist Earth.
With a vent fan in it.
That'll suck carbon.
Yeah.
Suck black carbon.
that we are managing to funnel
into space.
Space will have no idea it's there.
Space is just going to be going along
and stay like that second
where you're like, wait.
It's like, did I forget
to turn off the stove or whatever?
You know when you have that moment where you're like, something
seems a little off? Space is just going to have
that moment with all the extra carbon.
Carbon will live
successfully in space, not affecting
space at all. No, why would it?
I don't know. Why does it affect Earth?
Because we're in a ball.
Space is a wide open
rectangle.
What if space is just one big ball?
We've never seen the outskirts of space.
We're just doing the best we can with the information we have.
It's time for carbon to leave Earth.
And if a bunch of little baby stars
die from carbon monoxide poisoning,
then we'll know it's a problem.
I like the idea that
if we got far enough out into space,
we'd see space already has a bunch of these tubes set up to funnel the carbon out of space into like whatever the next
into earth
they're doing this to us
i knew it wasn't our fault
yeah
um
okay
do you like it
uh it's one of those ideas that was just like it's right there for the taking i can't believe someone hasn't done it
well people don't think to build things that are really tall
that's why
but we can do it yeah how high could it be could our producer find out how high up the atmosphere
goes i think our producer could probably do that uh what are you imagining supporting this tube on
all the way up is the tube just made of sturdy material i feel like it's got to be like a little
bit flowy it could flow like why not so how so then it's going it's got to be supported by something
because otherwise you're going to have to tether it to something in space.
You know what I mean?
No, no, no.
Like if it's going to be loose, if it's going to be like one of those.
Loose in space?
Well, if it's going to be like a tube, like I'm thinking like a flowing tube,
like one of those like inflatable car dealership guys.
If it's one of those, in order to stay in space,
it's going to be like hooked to something.
Like a little satellite.
Okay, so we'll just.
Like it just hangs out there.
All right.
It only has to be 62 miles.
62 miles.
So we build it.
Okay.
I got it.
All right.
Cool.
62 miles.
We build a super tall, tallest building we can build using.
63 miles high.
Whatever.
Okay.
I don't know.
The tallest building there ever was.
You know what?
How about 69?
Just for fun.
We build that.
And then the tube goes from the bottom.
You don't see most of the tube because it's in the building.
But then from the roof of the building, the tube continues up into space.
So that's true.
It's in the roof.
All right.
But I like that when you get to the top, there's only maybe like a foot that's exposed.
So it looks like a short little tube.
Yeah, but it's really long.
Well, then why not just, do we even need the tube?
Couldn't the top of the building just be vented?
I don't know if we could.
Could the building be the tube itself?
The building was going to be a big HEPA filter and clean the air of other things.
The whole building was going to be a HEPA filter.
Oh, okay.
So do we have to replace the building every like six months or something?
Yeah.
We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
The most important thing is that the carbon's gone.
And the oceans thank me, and the planet thanks me,
and big greasy companies thank me.
I really do not have a good visualization or conception of distance.
I was just Googling for reference how tall the Burj Khalifa is,
and it's just over half a mile.
so you would need
almost 130
Burj Khalifa's worth of
tubing to get to the atmosphere
okay fuck it I have a new idea
a nice flimsy tube
that's held up by drones
going all the way up
drone on drone on drone on drone
holding this tube
okay that would still be a shitload of drones
that would be a lot of drones sure having to hold that all up and then what do you do about their
battery power i like the original idea the best the building let's just do it too we don't need
a building it's just a big long tube okay long long tube what's tethering it to space a satellite
a satellite okay named the the carbon camp camp carbon camp carbon yeah and then
that would be that's a fun little name too like it's a way like like kids you know when you're
like hey hey you better behave or we're sending you to camp carbon no i don't want to be in space
yeah next to the dirty dirty carbon um i didn't mention about this this system comes with um
a complementary atlantic ocean ice maker oh how does that work if we act now for the low low price
building this ridiculous thing
it's a big big ice maker
and we just leave it in the Atlantic
and we just start making more ice
to replenish what's melting
oh I was thinking like
for your drinks and stuff
I know I was like
swimming out there to get a drink
I would like some
I know I was making sure
kind of like a free gift with purchase
like I've been at my own little ice maker now
if you invest in the tube
Yeah.
I was actually thinking like ocean ice sounds pretty cool.
Yeah.
So there it is.
Hope I don't get shot now.
Because of my good idea.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, well, it's.
Oh, God.
You heard it here first.
Nobody steal Francis's idea.
I'm dizzy
well a good idea will do that to you
so will too much carbon
yeah we could be dying right now of carbon
I'm just going to lay down on your floor
everything's suddenly warm and peaceful
my outer vision's going
I love you Juby
now I've got to come up with a good name for you
but I don't want to half-ass it
no just let it happen naturally
it'll happen naturally
um okay uh what are you calling this again oh carp camp carbon no that's what the satellite's
named that's the satellite's name okay a good name for this would be let's let's just quick
let's do a spit take um just a spit fire okay wait should i i'm gonna i'm gonna get a drink
water for this spit take okay i was thinking of a phrase and i don't know what i was thinking of
you know like quick spit no what am i thinking you know what i'm talking about okay whatever
spitballing that's it
was that a genuine spit take
no
no it started
started out as a forced spit take but then once I started
to do it I was like well I'm laughing now
so yes
in a way
it ended up being a genuine spit take
listeners I'm sure that was
fascinating listening
yeah and that masochist
earth loved when you spat on it
Earth, that one was for you, baby.
Pipe.
Dreams.
Pipe.
That's it?
By a pipe?
It's just called pipe.
Just called pipe.
Yeah.
Pipe out.
Sun.
Earth catheter.
Carbon catheter.
Carbon catheter?
Yeah.
We love it.
Carbon catheter.
How do you spell catheter?
C-A-T-H-E-T-E-R.
This is excellent podcasting.
Is it T or?
I think it's a T.
I think it's catheter.
But I started to write it and I wrote C-A-T-H-O.
You could be right.
No, I think my Catholic is showing.
Catho.
You're right.
all right carbon catheter you're welcome earth what if carbon is one of earth's weird little
kinks and we're likes it yeah like us walking on it well it's hurting us so we can't let it happen
earth if you secretly like all the carbon email us at friends like us official at gmail.com
Let us know, and we won't...
We'll put a pause, or we'll figure out some way to keep some secret carbon just for you.
Yeah, also, if you know a better way to get rid of it, maybe share it.
Help us out, buddy.
Yeah, we're dying here.
We're doing a lot of heavy lifting here.
Yeah, we're getting scared.
We can't be the only ones working to save you, okay?
Yeah, also, what do you think of my ice machine?
Let us know.
Cool, thanks, Earth.
um okay well i mean i want to know where the 12 of them are gonna go
they need to be strategically placed
you want that information now no uh surprise me we'll just know when when uh when yeah we'll know
we'll know you'll know when you see them yeah just walking along oh a carbon catheter yeah
do you think people will try and climb it to get all the way to camp carbon for sure
I don't care if they try.
Yeah, they'll fail.
Bye.
I'm at mile 57.
No.
How long do you think it would take to fall?
If you're like 63 miles up.
Well, I don't have to stop screaming, right?
It gets to the point where you're like, okay.
I think if you're that far, you might like die in midair.
I think just the force of flying down.
What?
That seems like the fun part.
Well, I think you could only...
I think you can only do that fun falling and your face skin flapping around for so long.
Plus, even if you jump off of a tall building, if it's tall enough, you'll pass out before you hit the ground.
No, I wouldn't.
You'll be awake for the whole thing.
Yeah, why would I pass out?
That's true.
People just don't think about not passing out.
Well, you see people on roller coasters pass out, and I'm like, that never happens to me.
Yeah, you idiots.
You just were afraid.
Yeah.
So you just wouldn't be afraid.
I wouldn't scream even when I was about to hit.
I know, because you'd be like, the Earth wants this.
Yeah, I would go, ha-ha!
Here you go, Earth.
Ha-ha!
All right.
Well, carbon catheter.
Good job saving the planet.
You did it.
Thanks.
I deserve it.
And we all get to litter still, which is really fun.
And I can do more carbon than anyone now.
Oh, yeah, you've earned it.
Yeah.
Oh, big time.
Yeah.
Let's take the...
Smoking carbon cigarettes.
Oh, big time.
And your car is just going to be one smoky engine.
Can I get an extra engine for my car?
Thanks.
All right.
Well, that wraps up the invention of the week.
All right.
Good job.
Thank you.
I can't wait to see how you use your extra carbon privileges.
I want you to have shoes that are private jets.
And you wear them one on each foot.
and you have to like straddle them.
Yeah, I will.
And then I take a yacht to my other yacht.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Which has a plane on it.
Yep.
Which takes me to...
A gasoline fire.
Yeah, I visit Camp Carbon every day.
See how it's going.
To check on your...
Yeah.
But you're going to be a benevolent dictator of Camp Carbon.
You'll be in charge for sure.
You're running things.
Yeah.
But you'll be a good...
You'll be nice.
Yeah, I am nice.
I'm a kind, nice-hearted
I am a nice piece of shit
Get those goddamn Clevelands out of here Clevelands you better not be listening Let just we know you not listening This is explicit content
Yeah, unless you are 18 and have a new name, do not listen.
So if you're listening to this and you're under 18 and you're Cleveland, get the hell out of here.
Yeah.
All right.
Good.
With that, let's move on to our next segment.
Okay.
Which is, don't make me laugh.
Stop, don't make me laugh.
In this segment, which I feel like is already going to be very difficult, we are going to try and not make each other laugh.
I'm dialed in.
I won't be laughing at all.
Okay.
It's like the passing out.
Yes, I've decided.
Okay.
Joe, I think, is going to give us topics to talk about.
Oh!
And then we will talk about them.
Yeah.
And we will not be laughing at all.
If someone does laugh, Joe's going to keep track of the points.
And...
Throw carbon at the person's face.
Yep.
Which is okay if it's Francis, because he's earned it.
Yeah.
If it's me, though, I'm in big trouble.
Yeah, you are not allowed.
I'm not allowed.
Don't even look at my carbon.
Oh my God.
I'm looking at it right now.
I'm so sorry.
It's my bucket of carbon.
No, I'm so sorry.
Stop waving it right in front of me.
Ah, you put it on my face.
You're a criminal.
All right, Joe.
You ready?
Yes.
Okay, but just a simple suggestion.
Sure.
Or a topic.
Yeah.
You can give us.
Well, the first thing my suggestion generator came up with was barbershop slash salon.
barbershop slash salon
I don't understand
the point of the barber
pole
what was that to like
hypnotize people into getting haircuts
just spinning red
and blue
barbers why did you do this
do you think the barbers did it
the barber pole is a thing
that spinning red and blue
is a thing
all right i'm gonna be a barber and you're gonna be my customer or you're gonna be someone walking
by okay you sir you look like you need a haircut you look like you need all of them cut
off to a good start
no oh shoot
sorry
I'm back
why don't you come into my barber shop
and I'll take care of that
lickety split
okay but I'm in a rush
oh
I didn't even have to hypnotize you in here
that's lucky
I'm colorblind
well that's also lucky
there was because my
original thought was that I'd have to use
red and blue stripes
and hypnotize you to get you
into my shop
and then
I'd do things to you
when you're
okay I'm making myself laugh
mostly cut your hair
but you're fine with it so come on in
okay
okay I'm here
oh wow i think i'm gonna you you look like you're a fanciful gentleman
i'm gonna give you one of the special barber capes
okay it's got a rocco's modern life print oh you just kept me what do you think of that
love the curly cues thanks oh it fits oh the button works oh it goes down to my feet
well i know you're an extra tall boy too i gotta i got i went to the big and tall barber
shop i'm taking a supply store i don't like that part but you're tall they don't sell
capes for people that are 6'8 in normal
barbershop supplies.
Oh. That's not funny
to me because
I had a tall relative
murdered.
I'm sensitive about my height.
I'm sorry
that your own height reminds you of a murder.
They were even taller than me.
They were 7'2".
Oh my gosh. Was it because of their
height that they were murdered?
Yes, they couldn't see the knife at their knee.
Not one of those knee stabbings that I've been hearing so much about.
Yeah, the person who did it was allegedly told them, I'm going to kill you.
I won't, though, if you just give me your money.
But the sound didn't go up.
Oh, no.
It was a smoggy day because of all the carbon.
oh wow that's that's so terrible i'm so sorry but luckily there was no pain
because everyone knows a knife to the knee is instant death
um well it wasn't actually stabbed oh i just assumed when you said he didn't see the knife
at his knee. At his knee.
Yeah, at his knee.
Yeah, he didn't. But the knife didn't go
in because
he stepped backward
and
fell into the street
and six cars ran him over.
Never one car touching
the same spot due to his height.
Oh, no.
I knew once they started
making one foot wide
cars.
the damage would be done.
Okay, yeah.
It's horrible, isn't it?
It was six motorcycles.
Oh, I thought they were cars.
Yeah, everyone thinks that.
But everyone's wrong.
Anyway, you've hurt my feelings
and brought up a painful memory.
Technically, you brought it up.
Wow.
To be fair to me.
To be fair to me,
you kind of seem like you were itching to tell that story
I was just explaining why I was taking your
great cape off
because I said that it went all
because you said it went all the way down to your feet
and you're tall
oh you did it again
you brought up my height
ow
so I have to tilt my head all the way back
just to see
to look up at you
that's got to be a constant reminder of your height
now it is
so I've forever
from now on every moment is going to be
a waking nightmare for you
because
you are reminded of your hype by everyone looking up at you
yeah I just actually sent a letter to the BBB
about you
the better barbers bureau
yes
and they're gonna shut you down
post haste
before you
put a stamp on that.
Look at this rotating pole.
Whoa.
You won't send that letter.
I already did.
You'll send a follow-up letter.
I'm doing it now.
That says, just kidding, BBB.
That was a fun little prank I just pulled.
I actually love Cleveland and his barbershop.
Scent.
What happened?
Whoa, you are just about to get a wonderful haircut.
Oh, thanks. I really need that.
Do you notice anything special about me?
Just your height.
No!
You couldn't possibly know this.
I had a family member die recently.
Alright, Joe.
I think Joe was tallying the points.
I sure was.
Yeah.
Who won?
Francis won.
Oh, my God.
Not by a lot, but.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Win is a win.
Francis had five big audible laughs and you had six.
Oh, okay.
Okay, well, that has been a successful installment of Don't Make Me Laugh.
Princess, are you okay?
I went away. I'm back.
You're too busy just reveling in your victory?
Yes. I'm just thinking of my nine-foot-tall grandma.
Her head got cut off.
By?
A fan.
Someone that really liked her?
not a ceiling fan
yeah no she was stalked
yeah
it's the dangers of being 9 feet tall
yeah
you're gonna have fans
you can't get away from them either
due to your disgusting height
they're always gonna notice you in a crowd
yeah
and you get to see all the dirty shells
hard life
yeah
but you're that much closer to Camp Carbon
than everybody else
thanks for plugging my camp
yeah
if you'd like to go to Camp Carbon
go to friendslikeuspod.com
and we're gonna be
accepting entries
for the lucky few people
yeah and send me money because I did a nice
thing and I deserve it yeah please send Francis
money um he deserves
it and don't send him
extra carbon he gets to pick
how he gets his extra yeah don't worry I have that all figured out
Yeah, he's got his own plan for extra carbon.
He doesn't need your extra carbon.
I actually leave my car idling in the garage overnight,
so when I leave in the morning, I can just go.
Yeah, that's smart.
Yeah, turning your wrist is dangerous.
Oh, you know how many wrist-related deaths there are in the U.S. every year?
Dozens.
Dozens of hundreds.
Yeah, dozens of gajillions.
Yeah.
Surprise, we have wrists.
I know, at this point, it's more of a liability just to have it.
Yeah, just use the elbow and move on.
Yeah.
Cool, cool, cool.
All right.
It's time for our final segment.
The Big Question.
The question is very big.
I have a big question for you.
Oh, great.
I have a big answer.
Let's see if they match.
And I hate myself.
Oh, yeah.
No, you're not allowed.
Okay.
So here's my big question.
And please don't let this offend you.
Okay.
Now I'm primed to be offended.
Well, okay.
My big question is, you have to do this for the survival of the planet, okay?
You can't get out of this.
Okay.
I need you to form a plan.
I'm making you figure all the logistics out.
Don't tell anyone, though.
You tell me.
No, my big question is this.
If you had to, to save humanity, how would you seduce the Pope?
Am I allowed to tell him?
No.
No, you just have to get him to go against everything he believes for one night of Juby time.
Oh, um.
Yeah.
yeah
yes
okay
well the new pope
luckily is a younger guy
youngish
by pope standards
I don't know if it's worth bringing up
he's still pretty old
but I mean I feel like the last ones
the last couple popes have been like
they kind of look like skins falling off of them
yeah but don't you think it would be easier to swindle
someone who's
much much older
um
yeah maybe
I don't know
back to your young pope
but he's also from Chicago right
is he? yeah
so
I think
I would
I'd suggest
we go out for some Chicago dogs
hey let's get some yellow mustard
on this bad boy You know this Dijon like they do in New York And then he be like okay that sounds really good You get me You get me So you bringing him to Chicago No I bringing the Chicago dogs to him because he probably misses them Oh you right
But then I'd be like, hey, you want a hot dog? And he'd probably be like, I guess,
but it's probably just going to be Dijon mustard, right? That's what they do in New York.
I'm like, no, in Chicago, I know how they do it. And I got special yellow mustard just
for you and he'd be like hey thank you so now his defenses are down he feels like hey like she gets
me he knows a little bit about me and then we just chill like for a day like i would get to know him
um like become friends with him um after the hot talk yeah and okay after the hot dog i had no
but I mean like over like a period of several weeks.
So you rode the dog in.
Yeah.
Okay.
That was my entry.
That's how I,
that's how I get that audience with the Pope.
Okay.
Please inform the Pope.
I have brought a hot dog.
Oh,
oh,
but in case he's wondering if he should let me in,
I have yellow mustard.
Okay.
Um,
then I think,
um,
so it would be like totally chill.
Um,
right.
And then I would,
not make any kind of advances.
And
we would be just like cool friends,
right?
Because of this hot dog.
What if he didn't like the flavor of the hot dog?
Okay, no, no. He's going to like the hot dog.
Okay, he definitely likes the hot dog.
That part's done. It's signed, sealed, delivered.
Okay, you're friends now.
A post-dog relationship.
Yes, let's separate ourselves from the hot dog.
You'd like to stop talking about the hot dog.
Yes, stop talking about the hot dog.
Okay.
Um, so then everyone would be like, hey, I've seen you hanging out with this chick a lot, right?
Are you two like, you know, like.
Banging?
Yeah, or whatever.
Maybe not as crude as that.
Oh, I think guys are guys.
So when everyone else is gone, I think all the cardinals are like, hey, Pope.
Hey.
Yeah.
Hey, Pope.
Hey.
So you're with a lady.
Whoa, she's making me hot.
Oh, my eyes just goes to toes.
You're going to take that or is it for me?
And then he'd be like, no, no, no, no, no.
It's really, we're genuinely just friends.
And then, but people would still be talking about it.
So eventually he'd come to me and he'd be like, hey, is this like really just platonic?
And I'd be like, yeah, I'm like offended that you even asked that question.
and then I'd put it in his mind
like oh crap I'm the one that's
instigating this like ooh
right
and then I'd get him drunk
and then his defenses would be down
because I've already said no no no this is platonic
and you know he drinks wine
because of his popeness
so just more wine
I'd pour wine in wine
you just had to schedule a bunch of mass that day
yeah we got another one
i know okay back to back okay so then you get him drunk and his defenses would be down and then
and then uh yeah and eventually he'd be so disarmed by the fact that i didn't want any of
this that he'd start like being like well why doesn't you know you know how it's like you
find out someone doesn't like you and then you're like they should now i like them yeah well no but
well i i don't really know that either i'm just other people do other people do they seem to yeah
anyway so that's how you got the pope yeah and then you're welcome world okay so i guess we both
saved the world okay did you enjoy it no you have too popey right too popey too popey he insisted on
leaving the hat on what is that it's cool i don't know i guess if you had to be rank under there
No, really? I feel like it would be very airy.
I bet he keeps things in it.
No, all hats smell.
All hats smell.
Hats are gross.
Okay.
Take your word for it.
Yeah.
My head's generally too big for normal-sized hats.
Oh.
They don't quite fit on my head.
Me neither.
I have an egg-shaped head.
Wait, wouldn't that mean it's like pointy or on top?
Okay, then it's not an egg.
It's a sideways egg.
Yeah, it's a long egg.
Hey, Francis, that's my show.
Oh, like, hey, Arnold.
Yeah.
Thank you for telling me your plan.
I think it would work.
Probably would.
People love to get drunk and have accidents.
Yeah.
I hear.
Do you have a plan?
Yes, I do.
Okay, I would like to hear it.
It's a little...
I'll just tell you.
It does not involve a hot dog.
The best plans do.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I bring my own hot dog.
So here's my plan.
My plan is I'm going to become a very important religious installation in the Vatican.
Well, after your carbon catheter comes out, you're going to be an important installation in most esteemed circles.
Right, right.
And I'll be like, oh, where do you think I got that idea?
god talked to me and he told me i need to go to the vatican and do important catholic work
catheter catholic work and they'd laugh at the pun yeah like this guy yeah i'm like you got it
you know me anyway so i'd move to the vatican and i would act like i was working it'd be like
a paintbrush with like no paint on it and i'm like moving it up and down the wall every time
the pope comes out i wave and twiddle my fingers i'm just doing my work here yeah then here's where
things really good and i do a lot of good work okay and i help people okay i put marbles on the
steps he trips i catch him whoa mr pope and then oh and then you make another pun like you almost
lost your marbles yeah he laughs too and his hat comes off thank god but it smells under there yeah
i hire a wind to take it away you get a mini carbon catheter to take away little smells yeah
I have like a plague doctor mask on.
Okay.
Yeah.
Anyway.
He's not attracted to me due to his being straight and the Pope.
But.
Yeah.
Right in the middle of my good work.
Let's say I just kissed a leprous baby and handed it back to his parent.
Okay.
Leprosy is a big problem in the Vatican.
It's making a comeback.
Yeah.
Sounds cute, doesn't it?
Like a baby that looks like a little leopard.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah.
adorable it's not as cute yeah as it sounds no i didn't really kiss it by the way oh good
parents just think i did yeah i did the noise good luck yeah
yeah so anyway that night i start to do one of these
and then and like cardinal rushes in and they're like my god what's that going on in here and i'm
I'm like, get the Pope.
Get the Pope.
And they bring the Pope and they're like, what's going on?
And I say that I just had a vision.
A vision from God.
And you're not going to believe this.
But he said, we got to do it.
God, isn't that weird?
I don't want to do that.
You don't want to do that, right?
And he's like, no.
I'm like, that's what I told him.
But God said, remember that baby today?
If you don't figure it out with the Pope, I'm going to turn that baby into a leopard.
Into a leopard?
Yeah.
The final stages of leprosy.
And the Pope's like, gosh, really?
And I'm like, gosh, really?
And he's like, hey, can all the cardinals leave the room?
This is happening in an accident, but I don't feel like doing it.
Oh, that's fine.
Yeah, he's like, can all the cardinals leave the room?
It's just me and the Pope.
And I'm like...
Is it happening in an accent, a Chicago accent?
Yeah.
Hey.
No, he switched.
He switched.
Duh bears.
No?
Oh, okay.
He switched.
When he got to the Vatican, he went...
You gotta go full Italian once you're in the Vatican.
It's required.
They'll give you lessons on the accent.
Anyway, so I basically look at him in the eye and I say, Sir Pope.
What's his name?
Mr. Pope, I think is what we've established.
Mr. Sir Pope.
Leo XIV.
Leo.
I'm not saying all that.
Sir, I say.
if you just want to tell people we did this,
that's fine with me.
Cause I know neither one of us wants this.
Trust me.
And babies die every day.
So we can just act like we did it.
I mean,
he's like,
no,
we're going to do it.
And I'm like,
I don't want to.
And he's like,
I'll be damned if that baby becomes a leopard.
And so I'm like,
God,
okay,
I guess.
and so he makes it his idea
who knows what happens with the baby
because as you know I fabricated the whole thing
well the baby wouldn't turn into a leopard
either way huh
yeah so then he'll have thought
but he did a good thing
yeah see and I did all that
and I never had to buy a hot dog
but you did have to fake kiss a leprous baby
I know I'm brave
uh all right i just remembered something well i think that uh we just both saved the world
so you're welcome world wait great saving the world with you jubes
i'll come up with a nickname okay all right someday great it's gonna be organic can't wait
all right that wraps up the big question the big question there's only one final thing to do
francis guess our words guess our secret words i think i know your word really well crap i might
not i probably don't i don't know i don't think i know your word okay i do i was pretty good with
mine so you probably don't that's okay is your word mustard it is not is it hypnotized nope and
My last guess is fanciful.
Nope.
No.
What is it?
Separate.
That's a stupid word.
That's also not your word.
Yeah, it is.
It's separation.
No, it's...
I wrote down...
Oh, I did write down separation.
No!
Well, point for me.
No.
Crap.
No point for Jenna.
No point for you.
Ugh.
I can't believe I did that.
If you said separation, I would have got it.
If I just said it properly.
Yeah.
I can't believe I did that.
Can you believe it's butter?
I'm sorry.
Do you have a guess?
Is it Juby?
I want her to get a half point for saying that.
That was funny.
No.
All right.
Well, thank you for the half point.
Here's the quote.
If you don't have a guess, I'll tell you the line I said, and I won't say the word.
Okay.
what if he doesn't like the blank of the hot dog
oh uh uh uh
was it flavor yeah it was flavor whoa yeah i thought that was a weird way to describe a hot dog
flavor of a hot dog yeah what other flavors does it come in it comes in hot dog flavor
okay well
well nicely done
I can't believe I didn't say the word
correctly
you got a half point for
guessing Juby and
let's give you a half point
for guessing it out of
that context
so we're taking away the half point for Juby
no I only earned
a half a point on that one
Francis
your lead is widening
I just want everyone to get along.
I know.
Producer just wants us to be friends.
Friends like us.
Be nice to my friends like us.
Well, I had fun.
All right.
Well, thanks for listening, listeners.
You sound all sad now.
I am all sad.
I can't believe I did that.
What a ruined day this is.
I know.
We should turn the lights off and kiss.
That'll show it.
All right.
Well, thanks for listening.
Bye.