you can't start with wide eyes and then expect me not to laugh
okay okay all right let's try that again welcome to friends like us bonus content that's right
this is an episode just for you subscribers not the plebs that only listen to the main pod
it's for the cultured among us the hot ones yep which we know francis thinks everyone's hot but
there's still another category of hot,
the really hot ones.
Sizzlers.
Yes,
that's right.
Sizzlers.
This one's for you.
Today's Sizzler only episode.
We're going deep.
We're going to,
we're going to learn a little bit more about,
about Francis and maybe a little bit more about myself too in the process.
Okay.
Francis, get this ball rolling.
Okay.
I want you to know something about me.
I hate when strangers talk to me.
Ooh.
That's, I hate that as well.
But are you talking about across the board?
No.
Because if you're like, okay, I hate it when people make small talk in line, like in a store.
and then you're like, ah, I gotta be, do I have to be on or do I just like nod and be like, oh, yeah.
Or are you talking about like if someone comes up to you and is making a conversation?
Like if my neighbor, I mean, that's a bad example.
Hypothetically.
Hypothetically, yeah.
Okay, so give me a scenario.
What would be the worst case stranger talking to you?
if there's any possibility or a likely possibility that this conversation is going to end with
me being asked for something don't it makes all the conversation we just had
mean nothing do you are you are you ever like like on edge like the second someone starts
talking to you you're just like prepped for that for that like all right what do you want
Not since I started pretending to be on the phone.
Excuse me.
I'm about to get a call.
No, no, no.
I'm good at it now.
I parked the car, put the phone to my face, get out of the car, and I talk to myself.
What do you say to yourself?
Mostly just listening noises.
So I'm like, oh, yeah, no, no.
I just got here.
Uh-huh.
No.
That's so funny.
Oh, my God.
They died?
No.
I really don't have an Emmy to talk to anyone else about something lighthearted now.
My heart.
I was going to give somebody some spare change that I had, but I can't do it now.
I need it all for phone calls.
Because I'm staying on the line with you, but I still got to call other people.
Get me to a pay phone.
I actually told somebody one time, this was an accident.
Somebody came up and asked me, do you have any spare change?
And I was very young, so sorry.
but I was like you're allowed to be young yeah it was couldn't help it and I was like yes
and they were like can I have some and I literally was like I'm gonna use it
sorry yeah I uh I think that's totally valid and I also like I think
I people ask me for money all the time not all the time I think a normal amount
By the way, after this, I have something to ask you
Oh, good
Let's just ruin all the conversation that's about to come
People will be like, oh, do you have it?
And I'll always be like, sorry, I don't have any cash
Even if I do have cash
Because that cash is actually earmarked for something
It's like, okay, I guess technically my wallet contains cash
But it's like I'm giving away somebody else's cash
It's like, it's not mine to give
That's for whatchamacallit from Circle K
Yes.
And that's, you mean a literal whatchamacallit, the candy bar.
Yeah.
That's, yeah.
I wasn't being vague.
No.
You're being actually the opposite of vague.
You were being very specific.
And I, so I feel like that's a valid response too.
It's like, no, this is $10 that I have that is going,
like I am planning to tip somebody later with this cash.
That's not yours.
I'm glad you agree with me.
I've been carrying this burden for years.
No.
We either the same kind of good person or the same kind of bad person But either way we the same the pendulum swings yeah do you do you hate anything yeah i do hate things um i well i also hate having to deal with
strangers um especially this may this especially older women uh i don't know why i think i feel like
sometimes they get a little too familiar and it's like you know we're not peers right like
don't think of us as equals here i'm much younger than you just pull out your id in that situation
and you're like, see what it says under DOB?
Yeah.
I've had multiple women tell me before,
older women tell me like,
they'll like pull me,
like kind of like conspiratorially,
like hit me in the arm and be like,
just so you know, your purse isn't zipped up.
It's like, yeah, I know.
I know that.
That's a youthful thing I'm doing.
Us young people don't zip our purses.
It's like, this happened to me multiple times in New York.
It's like, I'm fine.
I'm capable of handling myself.
I'm aware of the level of risk involved in having an unzipped purse.
And it just like annoyed the crap out of me.
Just like how often did this happen with the purse?
This happened three separate times.
That's a fashion statement at that point.
And it's not the same way.
It was just random.
Like, I think they were like tourists and like in New York.
It was like, it's like, yeah, I'm good.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
but yeah I don't want them to think
that like we're close in
age or that
I don't know I'm a real thing about
old women old women and I know you're listening
there goes half our subscribers
wait we got a lot of sizzlers
that are old women
you're half but you're old
you're different if you're a sizzler you're not included
in this category you're cut above
are going to be unzipped after this
oh
hello zeitgeist we got a new one
for you. Yeah. Uh, it, it just, uh, that is specifically old women really drives me crazy.
And I know that I, I know it's because it's like, I don't want to be that person someday.
I'm God willing, I'm going to get older. Uh, I'm not going to die tomorrow. So eventually I will
be their age. I don't want to be that kind of old lady though. So anyway, that's one of my fears
too. Oh.
So I hate and I fear.
I don't want to be seen as like the doddering old
woman.
I'll let you know.
Please do.
Let me know by the barrel
of the gun to the back of my head.
You'll just hear the cock.
And then I'll know.
Oh, shoot. Okay.
Time to change.
Yeah, so I don't like that.
Okay. Thanks for sharing your fear as well.
yeah do you have any fears i do uh spiders in the toilet
under the rim have you was this is this just an imagined fear or have you actually witnessed it
and it's like this is real um it's imagined and every time i have to use the toilet i have to
get the wand and do a spider check do like a clinkly bang some pots together like get out
spiders get out i'm coming i've got a bag of little shoes in here
they're all because they would want shoes yeah they got eight legs you're in the toilet get out
i'm always worried that one will come out yeah if spiders wore shoes what kind of shoes do you
think they'd wear like what would you think the spiders preferred shoe would be um well they need
to be quiet because of their murder so silent shoes or like orthopedic nurse shoes that's
a funny image yeah um i was thinking like those really like creepy toe shoes
but but then they don't have toes so it would just be they're wearing cork
cork yeah um spiders if you're listening and we know you are there's a bunch of
sizzling spiders let us know in the comments drop us a line uh if you're capable boost us
uh tell us what kind of shoes you wear uh we'll move your comment to the front
thanks can i tell you something sad please um i i've started to not want to kill them
like if there's like a bug i know i'm becoming less of a monster um but like i get them and i
throw them outside but i had one in my house the other day and i had like a a cup and then like it
was like a big daddy long legs huge and i got it in the cup and then i couldn't get it off the wall
so I was like
yeah
cause like you gotta
how do you
yeah
and it was near the lip
so I'm like
I need you
at the base
and it wouldn't move
so I kept moving it and like it would fall and then get right back up and then it got to a point where it like pulled itself up small and I was like it scared It doesn know what I trying to do
Then I finally got it and I threw it outside.
Well, you saved it.
Right.
But just seeing it be like.
You saw its little spider lip quivering.
Its little barefoot spider.
Its big spider eyes blinked at you.
Yeah.
It like pulled its little legs in close.
so you gave it like a little uh fireman's blanket or what do they call a little cocoa yeah
tell your friends stay out of my house
see i feel like spiders are not bad they do i don't mind spiders they do work for me they
they get rid of other crappy bugs like mosquitoes and flying bugs now i know how to have value to
you yeah i gotta put you to work is there what do you think is the what species could we eliminate
from the planet right now and it would not you don't think it would have any kind of ecological
effect i would say humans but that is it would have a huge effect so um so that would be wrong
that would be wrong i would say it but that would be a stupid answer well like maybe if we didn't
have like there was like no nuclear reactors or sites or whatever maybe because we did that it's
like well now we got to be here yeah like work on them so we'll stay for now okay thank you for
saving us yeah i think um they i think there's probably all of them do something right okay
i was thinking about it my two least favorite that's not what you asked i know no i realized
that but i also think it happens to coincide with the least useful name one thing cockroaches do
to help oh can you i can't we're always so busy running we never stop to ask
that's why they're chasing this is what we do this good my resume i read to blind kids kids
that's why there's so many illiterate roaches they're they're always looking for our kids
yeah our kids like out there roaches is a good isn't it interesting that beauty is like
the thing that we you like a butterfly's like come on guys so cute and it's like roach
can i tell you a story about butterflies yeah uh there was what i was at the
Natural History Museum in Washington, D.C.
And they had like a butterfly room where you like walk
and there's tons of butterflies flying around, whatever.
So I walk into the room.
There's all these shitty kids around too.
I know.
Good luck.
And so then all of a sudden, like a bunch of the kids
and like a mom, they're like, no, no, no, no.
Like, stop, stop, stop.
I was like, what, what?
Like, no, don't move, don't move.
And I was like, what is happening?
And they're like, don't move.
And I'm looking around and they're not telling me what it is that I should be not moving for.
I'm looking around.
I don't see anything.
And so I was like, all right, well, screw this.
I'm going to walk.
And then I walked and they're like, you killed it.
I guess there was a butterfly under my foot that I didn't see.
I was like, well, you could have said there is a butterfly under your shoe.
You just said, stop.
Like, don't.
It's like, that's not useful information to me at some point in time.
I gave it a good like 15 seconds before.
Okay.
That's plenty of time for them to be like,
and here's more information.
Yes,
exactly.
It wasn't like I was mid run and I could,
it's like,
I stopped.
Like I was like,
what's going on?
I looked around,
couldn't find anything.
And then I was like,
well,
I got to quickly exit this butterfly enclosure now.
Cause I'm the one that murdered a butterfly.
I wonder if your picture's up there.
Yes.
They have a little mugshot of me or it's like one of those FBI,
like the grainy ones where it's like,
just like me in black and white looking over my shoulder.
Yeah,
probably.
I probably do
do not accept checks
yeah
anyway
the other
species I think
I don't know what they do
although I feel like
there might be something
an argument
I can't think of one
for a cockroach
but the other one
I would get rid of
would be mosquitoes
ugh so annoying
I know
and they must do something
but
yeah
ew
sorry
I heard that they only like a certain kind of blood
My blood?
That's what it seems like
Yeah
I think if I had to choose
To just get rid of it
I'd be like
I'm always worried there's gonna be a scorpion
You know
And I'm like I don't wanna worry about that anymore
So goodbye you're gone
That's one
Scorpion?
Yeah
And I'm also always worried about
That's in there
I know they're very important
But like
Every time I go outside
I'm like ugh
Is there gonna be a snake here?
Hmm.
Huh.
Have you run into a lot of snakes Not one That not true I saw one In a zoo No in the street Oh okay It was black and white
Oh.
Yeah.
Was the stripe white or the stripe black?
I'm assuming it was a stripe.
Well, how do you...
Who's to say?
There's two colors separated by...
Oh.
Huh.
This is the kind of deep question we talk about.
Herpetology 101.
One subscriber.
Sizzlers only.
I didn't think you were getting this deep.
Oh.
Well, I feel like I know so much more about you now.
Would you pick a snake up?
Is it asking me to?
Yes.
Like, why?
Would there be a...
If there was a reason, then it wouldn't kill me.
Sometimes you don't know.
Would you feel confident enough?
You know how there's that rhyme about snakes being deadly?
like if like if it's red you're dead if it's yellow you're fine fellow yeah yeah like would
you trust yourself to remember in the moment which one was safe no and i feel like those rhymes are
not ever helpful because it's like you could kind of fit whatever you wanted
like you could fit like you if if it's yellow you'll be dead yo like you can you could make
a version of it oh my god i know now i know in like six months someone's gonna hear this
they're gonna be out of nature and be like yellow dead yo yeah see like exactly it's like you can
fit make it fit either way that's my motto if it's black you're fine jack
if it's black jack it's cool
foo
so no
I don't I wouldn't trust
myself to remember that
properly did we talk about snakes
before I don't think so
because I wanted to I heard that
if you get bit by a rattlesnake
are you sure I didn't tell you this
I love this fact that I'm not sure if it's true
your favorite
nebulous facts yes
if you get bit by a rattlesnake
and you're near a kingsnake
and you let the kingsnake bite you,
it undoes the poison from the rattlesnake.
So they cancel each other out.
No, I think now you just have to worry about the kingsnake.
So then you're just going to die from a different kind of snake bite?
Maybe.
It's true, we don't know.
I thought this because I lived out by the White Tanks
and there was a wildlife museum.
And I was like, oh God, if I'm ever out,
and a rattlesnake bites me,
I could run to the wildlife place
and stick my hand in the kingsnake tank.
That's also,
that's why I carry a kingsnake around with me at all times.
It's like an EpiPen.
Just to be safe.
But the snake's like scared to bite.
Well, that's why I keep my purse unzipped.
That's what's in there, the snake.
Just because I need to immediately plunge my wrist into the,
bite me.
Imagine if one of those ladies says something to you
And in response, the snake just comes out and looks at them.
That would be terrifying.
That would be, but it would be funny.
And the snake just goes, you're not her peer.
Get out of here.
You are old.
Hiss.
I'm sorry, but every time I think of snakes, I think of Robin Hood, the animated movie.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Do you remember when he sucks the jewels out of the rings?
Yes.
I think about that all the time.
Yep.
All the time.
I always wanted to do that.
yeah and he smiles and all the jewels are in his yeah but that wasn't the snake though that was
prince john right yeah yeah yeah uh yeah or yeah it was on it was prince john's
it was his rings right no it was uh the kick or it was the the bear side kick was doing it to
prince john yeah yeah exactly yeah um i also think about from that there's so hiss is the
snake and that there's some like he's he's in his basket and then he comes out and he does this thing
where he like kind of folds himself in a way and it looks like folded arms hanging out over the
basket i always like that yeah okay snakes can stay i've changed my mind okay all right well
snakes today's your lucky day you get a reprieve well thanks for going deep with you francis i feel
Like, we got a deep dive into the both of us.
Let's just assess the surface.
No, I know.
This is, oh, man.
Listeners, you are in for a treat.
Next week it's...
Even deeper.
And harder.
Yep.
Aren't you glad you paid?
All right.
Well, thanks for listening.
Bye.
The days collect like seven.