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welcome to friends like us bonus improv yes bonus improv

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Joe can we please get a suggestion

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debonair

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that's a fun word debonair is a fun word

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doesn't get used enough

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I'd say you're debonair Francis

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what does debonair mean

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um

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yeah I think of it as like a

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like a

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dashing's a probably a good

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way to think of it

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like I think of gentleman as being

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a gentleman being debonair

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confident stylish and charming yeah in parentheses typically used of a man

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yep oh and you find me to be debonair very and a man thanks yeah um thank you

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that hasn't got me anywhere got you here baby you think yeah i wouldn't be here if i wasn't

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debonair no wow do you think we'd be i'd do a podcast with somebody who's not debonair

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i just didn't know that was a requisite for podcasting now you know

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Wow.

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When I think debonair, I think pageants.

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Oh.

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Which I guess doesn't apply because it's mostly for men, right?

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Yeah.

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That's okay.

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I mean, it does have that same kind of, like, stately air to it.

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That makes me think of, like, Pride and Prejudice.

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And how, like, everyone was trying to marry their daughters off.

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You know?

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Yeah.

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We don't do that enough anymore.

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I know.

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Yeah, we should start having daughters and marry them off.

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Just to be trendsetters?

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Well, I think I could be a really good matchmaker.

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I could see that.

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I tried it in high school.

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There was this guy and this girl.

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I'm doing great.

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Yeah.

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And I was like, oh, these guys would be great for each other.

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And so I was friends with both of them.

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So in math class, they would bring their desks near me.

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And we were done with our math and we would talk.

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and I would like tee them up for conversation.

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And it was so cute to watch.

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And I was like, I could tell like he liked her

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and like she was being really nice.

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So one day I was like, oh, are you liking him?

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And she's like, no.

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Damn.

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I think it's because he was short.

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Oh no, he was a short king?

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Well, yeah, but it's like,

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I was doing such good work.

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You're the same height when you're sitting down.

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That's good.

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You spend most of your life sitting down.

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that science yep and now improv i i can believe it come to this i can believe i actually seeing a matchmaker but

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here i am oh don't be scared a lot of people are nervous i am i'm a little nervous but i'm also

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I gotta be honest

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I'm skeptical

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you don't believe

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I'm kind of doing this as like a last resort

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I

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I don't know I can't imagine

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you could find anyone that would

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meet my particular

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standards

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well if you don't mind me asking

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what are your standards

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well I want him to be

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nice and funny

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of course

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um

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I want him

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to

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be you know

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someone that's

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nice to his mother

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okay

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uh

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I love it

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if he loves dogs

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okay

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this is all

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normal great stuff

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if he had

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gills to breathe

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underwater

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that would be great

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oh okay

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can we back it up

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no the dogs

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is a kind of

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a non-negotiable

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for me

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yeah

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no

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okay we'll go

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forward a little

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did you say

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I'm sure you didn't

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though

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gills

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yeah

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mm-hmm

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you mean you want

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someone named gill no no no i'm not that particular no no he can be named whatever

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he's named okay okay then i'm not sure what you mean uh no i just i i want him to have gills to

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be able to breathe underwater um he's gotta love the ocean um more than the forest we're moving on

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but i'm not ready to do that because you're talking about a merman i don't know what the

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technical term for it is well people don't breathe underwater so some people must well

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let me tell you what I've been a matchmaker

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for 38 years and every

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single person I've ever met has gone like this

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no well you can

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do that too I want to be able to breathe on land as well

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okay I want them to be adaptable

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I want them to be able to

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I'm a big scuba person

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and so it's important for me

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and

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but here's the thing is

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I hate the way scuba gear looks

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on another human being

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it is instantly

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and irrevocably a turnoff for me.

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I know, it is unattractive.

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I get that.

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And so I would like someone to share my scuba interests,

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but I still want to be attracted to them after we scuba.

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Okay, can I just clarify one point?

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You want to wear the equipment

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and find someone who's okay with that.

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Yes.

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I'm one of the few people that actually looks cute in scuba gear.

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Oh, you look nice in the equipment.

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Yeah, no, I've had multiple men,

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after we've scuba

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try and like lean in for a kiss and be like

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you look so adorable under there and then I'm just

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like immediately I was like well no I seen you in scuba gear we are done we are done here I thought maybe you be the exception to the rule but you are not Good day sir

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That's happened to me every relationship I've ever had.

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Okay.

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Well, this is a tough one.

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You're the best, though.

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I know.

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I know I'm the best.

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You said 100% match success.

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Yeah.

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That's why I came to you.

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I know.

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And I put it in writing on my website, so you could sue me if this doesn't work out.

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I'm very litigious.

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I got that vibe from you.

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Thank you.

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Yeah.

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I've been trying to put it off.

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Put out that vibe.

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I'm getting suing vibes.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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Well, I think I had the perfect guy for you.

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Okay.

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All right.

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Cut to the date.

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Hi.

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Hey.

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Oh, you must be...

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You must be Doug?

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It is I, Doug.

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Hi, Doug.

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I'm sure the matchmaker told you.

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It's Jennifer?

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Yes.

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Oh.

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Jennifer.

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I like the sound of that.

181
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Yes.

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So, Doug, tell me a little bit about yourself.

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I swim.

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I breathe.

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Ooh.

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I free dive.

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Oh.

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No equipment.

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Whoa, Doug.

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No gills, though.

191
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Oh.

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No gills?

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No?

194
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No.

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Doug, I gotta be honest.

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Even though you're barely able to breathe on land.

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i i i specifically said gills bitch cut to the matchmaker's office

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damn i thought for sure because of the trach no you'd be into him no it's gotta have it's gotta

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have gills yeah well that's kind of like a gill it's not though it doesn't flap gently in the wind

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It flaps roughly.

201
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It doesn't really flap at all.

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They put it in there tight.

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Okay.

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I really don't want to be sued, but you're asking for someone to evolve beyond the point of humanity.

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That can't be true.

206
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Have you ever seen someone with gills?

207
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Okay.

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There was this one time I went into a really huge dark auditorium.

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There were other people sitting in chairs there.

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And then this screen came on and there was suddenly it was like we were peeking into an underground laboratory where there was a fish man underwater and there was a cleaning lady who couldn speak who fell in love with him And and they made their relationship work

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I just want to find a fish man like the cleaning lady in that movie.

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The one that couldn't speak.

213
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I hear it now.

214
00:09:06,428 --> 00:09:06,668
Movie.

215
00:09:07,029 --> 00:09:07,509
Movie.

216
00:09:07,869 --> 00:09:08,428
It was a movie.

217
00:09:08,428 --> 00:09:09,149
It was a movie.

218
00:09:09,629 --> 00:09:10,469
Oh no.

219
00:09:11,189 --> 00:09:11,629
I'm sorry.

220
00:09:11,629 --> 00:09:13,569
Was I tricked by the shape of water again?

221
00:09:13,729 --> 00:09:14,129
Yeah.

222
00:09:14,129 --> 00:09:15,609
That's Shyamalan, right?

223
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:16,689
No.

224
00:09:16,949 --> 00:09:17,769
No, no.

225
00:09:18,689 --> 00:09:20,548
No, I think it was Alfonso Cuaron.

226
00:09:21,229 --> 00:09:23,269
Wow, it's weird that I know so much about that.

227
00:09:23,389 --> 00:09:23,789
No, it's not.

228
00:09:23,789 --> 00:09:24,789
No, it's...

229
00:09:24,789 --> 00:09:28,749
It's someone else.

230
00:09:30,428 --> 00:09:32,789
Sorry, your whole world is...

231
00:09:33,369 --> 00:09:36,809
Maybe you should go to the beach and reflect on all this.

232
00:09:37,829 --> 00:09:38,689
We should cut to the beach.

233
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,369
What am I doing with my life?

234
00:09:44,129 --> 00:09:46,209
Excuse me.

235
00:09:47,409 --> 00:09:48,048
Yes?

236
00:09:48,209 --> 00:09:48,529
Miss?

237
00:09:48,949 --> 00:09:49,769
Yes, stranger?

238
00:09:50,189 --> 00:09:52,889
Can you come closer to the water?

239
00:09:53,489 --> 00:09:54,909
Oh, sure.

240
00:09:55,548 --> 00:09:59,048
I used to love the water, but now I don't know what I love anymore.

241
00:09:59,048 --> 00:09:59,869
You're mumbling out there.

242
00:09:59,909 --> 00:10:00,489
Come closer.

243
00:10:01,709 --> 00:10:02,048
Okay.

244
00:10:02,548 --> 00:10:03,029
Hey.

245
00:10:03,389 --> 00:10:03,789
Hey.

246
00:10:03,969 --> 00:10:05,569
Saw you from afar.

247
00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:07,529
Oh, yeah.

248
00:10:08,009 --> 00:10:08,469
I, oh.

249
00:10:09,249 --> 00:10:11,949
My name is Burial.

250
00:10:13,089 --> 00:10:13,689
Burial?

251
00:10:13,689 --> 00:10:15,048
That's so beautiful.

252
00:10:15,249 --> 00:10:15,969
Thank you.

253
00:10:16,509 --> 00:10:19,009
B-A-R-I-E-L.

254
00:10:19,909 --> 00:10:22,109
Not like burial.

255
00:10:23,109 --> 00:10:25,369
Not like B-U-R-I-A-L.

256
00:10:25,369 --> 00:10:25,829
Yes.

257
00:10:26,009 --> 00:10:26,348
No.

258
00:10:26,589 --> 00:10:26,949
Yes.

259
00:10:26,989 --> 00:10:28,249
Like Ariel with a B.

260
00:10:28,489 --> 00:10:28,889
Yes.

261
00:10:29,269 --> 00:10:30,489
I just noticed you.

262
00:10:30,609 --> 00:10:33,189
And you look so attractive.

263
00:10:33,969 --> 00:10:34,949
Well, thank you.

264
00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:37,889
Here, stand up and come.

265
00:10:37,889 --> 00:10:38,348
I can't.

266
00:10:38,348 --> 00:10:38,769
What?

267
00:10:39,169 --> 00:10:40,369
I can't stand up.

268
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:42,609
Burial.

269
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:43,289
What do you mean?

270
00:10:43,369 --> 00:10:44,229
You can't stand up.

271
00:10:44,428 --> 00:10:46,009
I'm, this is hard.

272
00:10:46,109 --> 00:10:50,829
It's just really hard to talk about, but I will, uh, put your hand under the water.

273
00:10:51,428 --> 00:10:52,749
I want you to feel something.

274
00:10:53,909 --> 00:10:54,389
Okay.

275
00:10:54,609 --> 00:10:56,309
You have kind eyes.

276
00:10:56,789 --> 00:11:01,029
So I'm assuming this is not at all weird.

277
00:11:01,149 --> 00:11:02,189
I'm not a perv.

278
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:03,829
I didn't think you were.

279
00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:04,069
No.

280
00:11:04,189 --> 00:11:08,589
You look like the most not pervert I've ever seen someone look, actually.

281
00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:09,449
You really mean that?

282
00:11:10,209 --> 00:11:11,509
Yeah, I do.

283
00:11:11,509 --> 00:11:14,489
you're saying that you're opening your heart finally

284
00:11:14,489 --> 00:11:15,969
to trust

285
00:11:15,969 --> 00:11:18,449
burial look at me

286
00:11:18,449 --> 00:11:20,489
and now watch my hand as it goes

287
00:11:20,489 --> 00:11:20,969
underwater

288
00:11:20,969 --> 00:11:24,489
okay it's under there now

289
00:11:24,489 --> 00:11:27,428
that's my penis

290
00:11:27,428 --> 00:11:29,989
I haven't seen that

291
00:11:41,509 --> 00:11:44,569
You