welcome to friends like us bonus improv yes bonus improv
Joe can we please get a suggestion
debonair
that's a fun word debonair is a fun word
doesn't get used enough
I'd say you're debonair Francis
what does debonair mean
um
yeah I think of it as like a
like a
dashing's a probably a good
way to think of it
like I think of gentleman as being
a gentleman being debonair
confident stylish and charming yeah in parentheses typically used of a man
yep oh and you find me to be debonair very and a man thanks yeah um thank you
that hasn't got me anywhere got you here baby you think yeah i wouldn't be here if i wasn't
debonair no wow do you think we'd be i'd do a podcast with somebody who's not debonair
i just didn't know that was a requisite for podcasting now you know
Wow.
When I think debonair, I think pageants.
Oh.
Which I guess doesn't apply because it's mostly for men, right?
Yeah.
That's okay.
I mean, it does have that same kind of, like, stately air to it.
That makes me think of, like, Pride and Prejudice.
And how, like, everyone was trying to marry their daughters off.
You know?
Yeah.
We don't do that enough anymore.
I know.
Yeah, we should start having daughters and marry them off.
Just to be trendsetters?
Well, I think I could be a really good matchmaker.
I could see that.
I tried it in high school.
There was this guy and this girl.
I'm doing great.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh, these guys would be great for each other.
And so I was friends with both of them.
So in math class, they would bring their desks near me.
And we were done with our math and we would talk.
and I would like tee them up for conversation.
And it was so cute to watch.
And I was like, I could tell like he liked her
and like she was being really nice.
So one day I was like, oh, are you liking him?
And she's like, no.
Damn.
I think it's because he was short.
Oh no, he was a short king?
Well, yeah, but it's like,
I was doing such good work.
You're the same height when you're sitting down.
That's good.
You spend most of your life sitting down.
that science yep and now improv i i can believe it come to this i can believe i actually seeing a matchmaker but
here i am oh don't be scared a lot of people are nervous i am i'm a little nervous but i'm also
I gotta be honest
I'm skeptical
you don't believe
I'm kind of doing this as like a last resort
I
I don't know I can't imagine
you could find anyone that would
meet my particular
standards
well if you don't mind me asking
what are your standards
well I want him to be
nice and funny
of course
um
I want him
to
be you know
someone that's
nice to his mother
okay
uh
I love it
if he loves dogs
okay
this is all
normal great stuff
if he had
gills to breathe
underwater
that would be great
oh okay
can we back it up
no the dogs
is a kind of
a non-negotiable
for me
yeah
no
okay we'll go
forward a little
did you say
I'm sure you didn't
though
gills
yeah
mm-hmm
you mean you want
someone named gill no no no i'm not that particular no no he can be named whatever
he's named okay okay then i'm not sure what you mean uh no i just i i want him to have gills to
be able to breathe underwater um he's gotta love the ocean um more than the forest we're moving on
but i'm not ready to do that because you're talking about a merman i don't know what the
technical term for it is well people don't breathe underwater so some people must well
let me tell you what I've been a matchmaker
for 38 years and every
single person I've ever met has gone like this
no well you can
do that too I want to be able to breathe on land as well
okay I want them to be adaptable
I want them to be able to
I'm a big scuba person
and so it's important for me
and
but here's the thing is
I hate the way scuba gear looks
on another human being
it is instantly
and irrevocably a turnoff for me.
I know, it is unattractive.
I get that.
And so I would like someone to share my scuba interests,
but I still want to be attracted to them after we scuba.
Okay, can I just clarify one point?
You want to wear the equipment
and find someone who's okay with that.
Yes.
I'm one of the few people that actually looks cute in scuba gear.
Oh, you look nice in the equipment.
Yeah, no, I've had multiple men,
after we've scuba
try and like lean in for a kiss and be like
you look so adorable under there and then I'm just
like immediately I was like well no I seen you in scuba gear we are done we are done here I thought maybe you be the exception to the rule but you are not Good day sir
That's happened to me every relationship I've ever had.
Okay.
Well, this is a tough one.
You're the best, though.
I know.
I know I'm the best.
You said 100% match success.
Yeah.
That's why I came to you.
I know.
And I put it in writing on my website, so you could sue me if this doesn't work out.
I'm very litigious.
I got that vibe from you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I've been trying to put it off.
Put out that vibe.
I'm getting suing vibes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I think I had the perfect guy for you.
Okay.
All right.
Cut to the date.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh, you must be...
You must be Doug?
It is I, Doug.
Hi, Doug.
I'm sure the matchmaker told you.
It's Jennifer?
Yes.
Oh.
Jennifer.
I like the sound of that.
Yes.
So, Doug, tell me a little bit about yourself.
I swim.
I breathe.
Ooh.
I free dive.
Oh.
No equipment.
Whoa, Doug.
No gills, though.
Oh.
No gills?
No?
No.
Doug, I gotta be honest.
Even though you're barely able to breathe on land.
i i i specifically said gills bitch cut to the matchmaker's office
damn i thought for sure because of the trach no you'd be into him no it's gotta have it's gotta
have gills yeah well that's kind of like a gill it's not though it doesn't flap gently in the wind
It flaps roughly.
It doesn't really flap at all.
They put it in there tight.
Okay.
I really don't want to be sued, but you're asking for someone to evolve beyond the point of humanity.
That can't be true.
Have you ever seen someone with gills?
Okay.
There was this one time I went into a really huge dark auditorium.
There were other people sitting in chairs there.
And then this screen came on and there was suddenly it was like we were peeking into an underground laboratory where there was a fish man underwater and there was a cleaning lady who couldn speak who fell in love with him And and they made their relationship work
I just want to find a fish man like the cleaning lady in that movie.
The one that couldn't speak.
I hear it now.
Movie.
It was a movie.
Oh no.
I'm sorry.
Was I tricked by the shape of water again?
Yeah.
That's Shyamalan, right?
No.
No, no.
No, I think it was Alfonso Cuaron.
Wow, it's weird that I know so much about that.
No, it's not.
No, it's...
It's someone else.
Sorry, your whole world is...
Maybe you should go to the beach and reflect on all this.
We should cut to the beach.
What am I doing with my life?
Excuse me.
Yes?
Miss?
Yes, stranger?
Can you come closer to the water?
Oh, sure.
I used to love the water, but now I don't know what I love anymore.
You're mumbling out there.
Come closer.
Okay.
Hey.
Saw you from afar.
Oh, yeah.
I, oh.
My name is Burial.
Burial?
That's so beautiful.
Thank you.
B-A-R-I-E-L.
Not like burial.
Not like B-U-R-I-A-L.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Like Ariel with a B.
Yes.
I just noticed you.
And you look so attractive.
Well, thank you.
Here, stand up and come.
I can't.
What?
I can't stand up.
Burial.
What do you mean?
You can't stand up.
I'm, this is hard.
It's just really hard to talk about, but I will, uh, put your hand under the water.
I want you to feel something.
Okay.
You have kind eyes.
So I'm assuming this is not at all weird.
I'm not a perv.
I didn't think you were.
No.
You look like the most not pervert I've ever seen someone look, actually.
You really mean that?
Yeah, I do.
you're saying that you're opening your heart finally
to trust
burial look at me
and now watch my hand as it goes
underwater
okay it's under there now
that's my penis
I haven't seen that
You