so we have new equipment here in the podcast studio it's kind of exciting there's preloaded
sound effects
which
Joe is having a field day with
uh-huh
what else what else you got in there Joe
yeah okay good good
crickets
oh the record scratch
I think the record scratch
thank you thank you that applauses for me
the record scratch is what we should use
for our middle segment
spoiler alert
I'm sorry
they're going to find out eventually.
Audience, hit your head really hard
and forget what you just heard.
But not all the way to the beginning.
Yeah, not hard enough
that you forget what podcasts are
and how much you love us.
Say you love us.
They haven't still.
You do love us, right?
I will beg.
Okay.
Now I'm worried Joe's going to abuse this throughout.
Joe's never...
He likes pressing the buttons.
He's not going to abuse buttons.
He might. I've seen him abuse a lot less.
Joe, loosen up your buttons.
Unclench your buttons, Joe.
Okay, well, welcome to Very Fine Friends.
Podcasts where friends talk about stuff.
That reminds me of a new word I just invented.
Discuss.
What's that?
It was a mixture of discussing stuff.
We're friends. Disgust.
I guess it sucks.
Never mind.
Go to your room.
Okay. Disgust.
Door slam button, Joe.
How are you doing?
Much better, thank you.
Good. Had a real rough patch, but it's a smooth patch now.
Good. Glad to hear it.
Yeah.
I was mildly sick.
Really, I've been way worse before.
Just a little bit of a cough, but it's been annoying.
it's come back a little bit today.
I'm sure the audience can relate it's going around.
Yeah, it's going around in a few weeks from now.
When they hear this.
Oh, God.
I hate that you have this power now.
It's too much.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast,
we do something where our producer Joe
gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast,
we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
And right before we die, we add up all the points.
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is semantics.
Jenna's decoy word is evasions.
Francis's secret word is talisman.
Francis's decoy word is jackasses.
Back to the pod.
It's too much.
TM, TM.
Trademark, trademark.
Wait, trademark?
Does that mean you want to invent something, Francis?
What do you mean want to?
I did.
I know. So it's time for the invention of the week.
Inventions.
Lay it on me, tits.
Okay.
I will.
Okay. This is a real quick one.
I think we're going to be done within seven minutes because it's that good.
Oh, okay, great.
Okay. Gunshot.
You know how there's food in the fridge?
I do know that sometimes.
Not really in my fridge, but in theory.
In other people's fridges.
In other people's fridges, yeah.
That's just where food goes.
And yet, in other people's fridges, space is such a commodity.
Have you noticed?
Yeah.
Sometimes they're just like packed to the gills.
Yeah.
There's no effing room.
I know.
Enter me.
Here I am with my invention.
You know how eggs take up a lot of space?
Yes.
Yeah, sure.
Well, yeah, they do.
They do.
Yeah, they do.
They do.
You're right.
There's a lot of, it's a lot of horizontal space.
Yeah, it's real estate that we really can't afford to be giving up to eggs.
Novum to the ovum, baby.
I've got a salute.
Okay.
It is this.
It's an egg carton.
It's similar to an egg carton.
It's made of lightweight polymer or acrylic.
Very lightweight.
And on the top are three suction cups
that goes to the roof of your fridge.
and the eggs go in the baskets
that are now suspended from the roof of the fridge,
freeing up a bunch of space on the shelf.
Wait, I'm having trouble picturing this.
So it's just the egg carton is just attached
to the roof of the fridge?
It's...
No, it's not the egg carton.
Okay.
It's a new egg carton.
so it's like an egg teat basically is what you're saying
yep it's like it's like that yeah yeah but yeah yep yep yep that's it
but wait that's it wait no wait i need more description okay okay let's assume just hear me
picture me out.
Okay.
What if you made a chair for an egg?
Done.
And you made 11 more and you connected them.
Okay.
And then at the corner and one in the middle,
there was a suction cup.
So there's three suction cups total.
Strong suction cups.
And then you...
Do these chairs have backs?
Picturing them with backs.
It's like an...
No, it's like...
Like a stool?
No, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, it's a picture.
Just try.
Okay?
I am trying.
I'm failing.
I want you to get all the wrong ideas out of your mind.
Okay.
We're starting new.
All right.
Little chaise lounge.
Kind of.
Yeah.
This picture in an egg carton.
You got it?
Mm-hmm.
We're going to rip the top off.
Okay.
And we're going to angle it slightly so you can reach the front and the back, but not so
much that the eggs fall out.
and then there's suction cups
and they
hey you know those rides at
a fair or an amusement park
that people
get in and it's like whoa whoa
what if that
didn't move because there were suction cups
so like the big ship
that goes back and forth and it kind of
goes like yep but
there's a suction cup so when it goes all the way
to the back of the fridge you stick it up
and then the eggs suspend
freeing up all that space.
Yeah, and the reason why they have those rides at amusement parks
is to free up all the space underneath the ride
for other people to go.
Yeah, it's called the line.
Okay, so you're thinking this will free up about 10 inches.
Yeah.
Why don't you just do what most people do
and just if you need more space, you put things on top of the egg carton.
You don't have to live like that anymore with my invention.
What about the refrigerators that have built-in egg trays?
What?
Have you not seen that?
Yeah, I've seen it.
It's usually on the door.
Yeah.
Well, now you have those eggs.
That's not enough.
We need more eggs.
That's true. We do every single day. We prepare like Rocky.
I had four eggs just this morning.
Good protein.
Yeah. And I had them in high fiber tortillas.
Yeah. With Taco Bell fire sauce.
And a hash brown mixed in.
Wow. Cheese?
Yeah. American cheese.
Your breakfast game is tight.
Yeah. I got up early.
Nice. Good for you.
And I wished and prayed when I opened the fridge that there were dangling eggs.
Ah, why are they dangling?
Why aren't they suspended for my easy grab?
Okay.
I feel like this is the kind of thing that would be at the container store.
Okay, yeah, that makes perfect sense.
Yeah.
I don't know how much, I mean, how much room is it really saving?
We haven't published that study yet.
But it's lots?
Yeah, lots is the scientific term.
Lots and more.
That's the other store that sells it.
Lots and more.
If someone gave it to you, you'd use it, right?
I don't know that I would.
Well, you're an interesting case study because your fridge is so empty.
Yeah, my fridge is pretty empty.
Joe, I need you.
I do have a pretty full fridge and I do buy a lot of eggs.
Actually, as a matter of fact, I did have four eggs this morning.
Wow.
Am I the only one that didn't have four eggs this morning?
I guess so.
God, I feel so left out.
I'm going to have to beat you out of the best friends gang.
No.
Don't worry.
We'd only do it within an inch of your life.
Okay.
Just leave me that inch.
Honestly, I am a little hung up on the fridges that have built-in egg trays
because I was just looking at pictures of it online and they look awesome
and I really want one now.
Did the fridges ever have anything else built in?
Francis looks like he's going to either kill you or kill himself.
And not necessarily in that order.
Two things can be true at once.
Yes, fridges have a lot of built-in things and that's great.
Good for fridges, okay?
Good for fridges.
This you don't understand.
You would have to buy a specific fridge to get a stupid built-in egg carton.
My invention could go in any fridge with a roof.
Well, that's why I'm saying why not just have trays instead of like a hanging thing.
Okay, first of all, you can have a tray and my thing.
Second of all, a tray only holds 12 eggs.
You're buying at least 18.
12 isn't enough.
If you buy 12 eggs and then you have four for breakfast, that sucks.
You're left with eight.
There's only two more days worth of eggs.
Bad.
Yeah.
But, okay.
But also, fridges need vertical space.
They need?
They need vertical.
You need vertical space, too.
So if you're hanging it from the top.
Why do they need vertical space?
You're basically just essentially saying,
I'm going to put things under the eggs instead of putting things over the eggs.
Yeah.
you so you've seen so you see my fridge like where i put the water pitcher is the only place i could
hang eggs from but i need that space for the water pitcher which is tall have we thought about getting
a short wide water filter a chode filter check in next week for francis's new invention chode water
Chode water.
Yeah.
Anyway.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I heard your opinion, which sucks.
And I see the vision clearly in my mind.
And people will buy it.
Maybe not you guys.
But me guys will.
Well, I'm sure.
Yes.
I'm sure there are people that will buy this.
whenever I go into the container store
I'm overwhelmed by all the different solutions
there are to everything
and it makes me want to be a better person
but I'm not
and I never do anything like that
but there are people that go into the container store
buy things and then use them
and I think that could be
container store if you want to use that as a little ad
feel free
You know, one time I went in there and they had a clearance section and it had notebooks
and had a really nice notebook that usually retailed for $38, which I was like, I was
paying $38 for a notebook, but it was on clearance for $12.
Loved that notebook.
I go in there sometimes.
It's like a dog who found a waffle in a bush and checks the bush.
I always go in and look for more clearance notebooks.
Found a waffle in a bush?
You know, like some dogs could.
like if they're on a walk and they find something in a bush
well yeah I just really like that you chose a waffle
a better thing to find in a bush
yeah it would be a great thing to find in a bush
a human that finds a waffle in a bush
I'd check that bush
I'd go deep in that bush
every single time I saw it
you're gonna love this
I just invented the other day because I was in line and it was a really long line at the bathroom And I thought we should they should do bush toilets And what I mean by that is plant a bunch of
like tall
bushes
and like you go in and turn
and you pee in a hole in the ground.
And there's like 12 of them.
So you gotta wait for a line.
You just go pee in your bush hole.
um does one invention at a time princess well doesn't doesn't uh amsterdam have something like
that where it's just like public toilets for men like where it's like a stall basically like
it's not bushes but you're but it's like basically like
i we have a friend a well-traveled friend that has told me about this he thinks they're awesome
that it's just like, it spots like you just like kind of like,
no, you just like go around.
It's like a little pole and the pole is specifically like,
no, just go behind this pole and you can pee.
Oh, so Amsterdam has built-in egg cartons basically
is what you're telling me?
No, they have bush toilets,
but I guess they don't look like bushes.
What you're talking about would make them
more aesthetically pleasing.
Yeah.
So you've zhuzhed it up a bit.
Yeah.
I don't think that that's
that might be what everyone does but I don't think that's an official thing
in Amsterdam because it says that in the Netherlands it's actually
like hard to find a public toilet
just anywhere and like sometimes you even have to pay for them
I'm pretty sure it was Amsterdam
Wow America's way better where you have to be a customer to use the toilet
Yeah
um well in any event maybe this person's a liar but um okay good so sub invention of bush toilets
good job you could use it too thank you just stand over the hole yeah um
back to oh back to your eggs
uh what are you going to call your egg invention i was thinking egg content
egg content yeah because it also is content which is like the contents of the carton is the egg
but is that like a pun?
Is that like a
egg content?
You sure said it like one.
You said it like you're changing a word.
Yeah, I was trying to.
What if we just call it
sunny side up?
Because the eggs are up.
Okay.
Sunny side up.
That works.
How do you like your eggs?
That's the tagline.
I like that a lot.
Yeah.
Where in the world are eggs San Diego?
Where in the world are eggs Seattle?
Because San Diego's south and Seattle's north.
And the eggs are going to be north in your fridge.
That's how that works.
Upward egg.
Fallopian rooftop.
There it is.
not fallopian tube top
I like that too
fallopian tube top
do you think anyone's ever made that tube top
out of
god I hope so
probably
this is America of course someone has
the world's gross
not out of actual fallopian tubes
but just like something that looks like it
neither of us were thinking that
I just wanted to clarify
for the listeners at home too
okay
sunny side up
okay
it's nice right?
sunny side up I like it
it's cute
it's real cute
okay
are there any other
things in your
fridge that take up a lot of room?
pickles
i like the big jars i always want there to be more pickles
oh what if you invented something because milk takes up a lot of room too
um what if you invented like a a bag that attaches to like the sides of your fridge
like all along the sides of your fridge and then so you when you buy new milk you like pour the
milk into it and and so then it like takes a like it spreads the surface area of the milk all around
their fridge so it keeps it nice and cool and then you just you kind of like milk it when you need
some milk from your thing so a camel milk a cam milk back yeah but it's like it's but then that
would like really you could store a lot of milk in the surface area yeah of the fridge because it
like it wouldn't have to like expand the bag wouldn't have to expand too much because it would
take up so much space all over the
it would cover most of the walls. What if we bred cows
to be small and we just kept one in the kitchen?
Back to the pod.
Oh, you just hit a button. I know. He's hurting us.
Okay, I don't like that you have this control over these buttons.
Okay. Okay. Well.
thanks for being enthusiastic both of you about it and agreeing to invest i can't believe
how easy it's going to be to make eggs and store them oh i'm gonna have so much room underneath
these eggs exactly all the other food in my fridge will want to be directly underneath these eggs
so i could stare up at it yeah you could get in the fridge and look up at it
Like a night sky.
Yeah.
Well, great.
The sunny side up is probably going to come preloaded into fridges
from now on.
It's a nice feature.
Maytag?
Call us.
Or email.
I don't answer numbers.
I don't know.
Or fax us.
That's fine, too.
Start to leave your voicemail.
It pops up on my phone.
I can read it.
Just say, the first thing you should say is,
I'm with Maytag and then I'll pick up.
Yeah.
It'll like do that live transcript thing.
Yeah.
Don't hang up.
Yeah.
Let's get you back in the game.
Thanks.
I feel good.
Well, I guess that's another successful invention of the week.
Now, it's time for our next segment.
QV Seeing Red.
I get so mad when I shop.
It's like I'm QVCing red.
Oh.
Great title.
So, in this segment,
we will be telling stories of times that we were wrong.
But at any given time, Joe can press...
I forget which sound effect.
Which one did I say you should use?
Oh yeah, record scratch, yeah.
If you hear that, we hear that noise,
then whoever is talking needs to pivot
to giving a commercial for the thing that annoyed them.
It should be pretty straightforward.
We'll see what happens.
Yeah.
Francis, I think you have more times that you were wronged than me.
Because I was.
I know you were. You really are.
Because I'm so nice and I haven't taken advantage of.
Yes.
Not anymore.
Good.
Tell me about it.
Tell me about one of those times.
I got one right now.
Oh, yeah.
Give it to me.
It's bringing up this boiling rage in me.
Oh, I just saw flames go like on irises of your eyes.
I did.
It was like a cartoon.
Did you know?
Yeah, I did.
How about that?
Okay, great.
Here's what I'm going to say.
I had an uncle who, you know, when I was a kid,
I wanted to be famous so bad.
I wanted to be like a famous singer-actor, right?
And everyone knew this.
Yeah.
And this is not really an uncle.
It's like a cousin's cousin's life partner.
Oh, okay.
One of those nebulous uncles.
Basically a nobody.
Yeah.
Nothing.
Yeah.
Anyway.
He told me, I went over that one time,
and he told me that he was in The Expendables 2.
Welcome.
Have you ever wanted to be in a movie?
Introducing auditions.
Come on down with your whole family
and audition for The Expendables 2.
We've got parts for children.
Adults, elderly people, dogs.
We've got pets for fridges, egg cartons.
Anyway, I soaked it up, I believed.
I was like hanging on every word.
How old were you?
I don't know.
Probably 10.
Yeah.
I don't think that math checks out for when the Expendables 2 came out.
He was lying about everything.
He lied about a movie that didn't exist yet?
I don't know.
He's a liar.
Okay.
All right.
I don't know.
That's just what happened.
Okay.
And then I found out later and I was so upset that he lied because he said he knew Meryl
Streep.
And I really wanted to know her as well.
Are you alone?
Do you need someone to perform for you?
Introducing the Meryl Streep action figure.
It comes with two identifiable Meryl Streep phrases.
All you have to do is pull the string.
That's all.
Eep.
Thank you, Emily.
we only have 200 by one anyway jenna you have a time you were wronged um i do yeah so um there
was one time that i had um like at this cafe i had pre-ordered food like to pick up so i got
and a sandwich and, um, a soda. Like they had like bottles of soda. Right. So, um, I was like
standing in line waiting to like pick up my food. It's already paid for it and everything like that.
Um, and I can see in the little case in the front by where, where the soda is,
they literally have one Coke left. There's one bottle of Coke left. Um, and so I, uh,
get to the, oh no, that's, I wanted a Coke. They didn't have Coke, but then they had
something else. They had a different kind of soda. It was like, there was only one of that left.
And so, um, I get to the front of the line finally. And I'm like, Hey, I already paid and
ordered. And I ordered on the app or like on the online, I ordered a Coke, but I could see you don't
have coke but you do have sprite can i take the sprite and then the woman that was in line behind me
runs over the case grabs the sprite and gets back in line and i was like okay like
that's great now i have to get an orange fanta like that's
Hi
You want to spice up your drink game?
Orange Fanta, Orange Fanta, Orange Fanta
Why have a drink that's a normal color
When you can have one that doesn't appear naturally in nature
Orange Fanta, Orange Fanta, Orange Fanta
You're going to feel like the funnest guy at the party
With your Orange Fanta, Orange Fanta, Orange Fanta
Anyway
so it was just like, I couldn't like, it was like shocking. And the guy that she was with,
uh, just kind of like, he like looked at her, like you, like he knew exactly what happened.
He was like, and then she went, but she did this. This was crazy to me. She, she looked at him and
she went, ha ha ha. And like, she like held it and went like, ha ha ha. And I was like,
this is unbelievable. It was like, you know, I can see you, right? Like you, like you're not
invisible you're literally like eight inches from me right now wow i know i was it was just like so
i was like i couldn't believe it and like effectively too she has stolen from me because
i've already paid for that drink she hasn't paid for it yet can i just say yeah jackasses
thank you you're welcome thank you so much yeah yeah anyway so i had to walk out of there with an
Orange Fanta, Orange Fanta.
Those are pretty good.
Yeah.
But I felt bad because it wasn't for me.
I was picking it up for somebody else.
So it was like I had to like, like first choice was gone.
Second choice was gone because somebody stole it.
So I had to give the last possible choice.
Last possible choice.
Why start with the best when you can end with the rest?
last possible choice means you'll never be disappointed in life you always take what
nobody else wants it's always going to be there you're never going to be disappointed
by running out of stock of something last possible choice Get it Every day All day Constantly
Anyway, that's...
That's fucked up.
Yeah, it was weird.
It was like jarring to watch that.
Yeah, just to know that people out there like that exist.
Mm-hmm.
Anyway, so what about you?
What about another time you were wrong?
Yeah, I've got one.
One time I was walking my dog
and it was such a nice night in the neighborhood
and I was like far from my house
and while I was walking her,
the button on my pants blew off.
Aren't you tired of your pants staying up?
Why would you want to be like everyone else
walking around clothed?
No.
Introducing the exploding pant button.
Surprise nudity at any function.
Everybody wants you at their party.
You'll be on every guest list known to man.
Show up, have some crudity, and boom, you're in your jingle hoppers.
Also comes with poop.
Anyway.
From crudity to nudity.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
I'm going to say it now.
From crudity to nudity.
Yeah, that's great.
Anyway, so it was really hard for me
because my dog wasn't a great listener at the time.
And so I was trying to hold my pants up
and walk her at the same time
and my pants kept falling down.
And so, yeah, it was just super stressful.
When you said your dog wasn't a good listener at the time,
I was picturing you trying to tell her,
can you believe this terrible thing happened to me, Summer?
And then she's just like not paying attention.
Like I was picturing you like trying to commiserate with your dog
and she just wasn't paying attention.
Thanks for picturing that.
It was actually my other dog.
Oh, Megan?
Yeah.
Rest in peace.
Who's the bad listener after all?
I'm a good listener.
I knew the other dog's name.
you know what really bugs me
my dad will always say things like
the dog and I'm always like
use her fucking name
yeah she has a name use it we picked it out
it's on a tag I paid to have it engraved
and he'll be like
oh don't forget to give the dog her medicine
I'm like
she's more of a person to me than you are
don't you hate people
don't you love dogs
introducing
A new surgery that turns man's best friend into a human being.
You started with a dog, and now you've got Brett.
He's cool. He doesn't speak English.
Sometimes he barks.
He's got floppy ears.
But he's a person, and we did that for you.
Go to our website, humanbeingequalsdog.com.
From cutity to humidity.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
Sorry that happened.
Thanks.
Do you make it back without any incident?
Neighborhood incident?
You didn't flash anybody?
Do you like living in a neighborhood, but you hate not seeing your neighbors' butts?
Flashing. Flashing your neighbors.
It's the new trend that's sweeping the nation.
I used to mind my own business. Then I found flashing.
Now everyone in the neighborhood chases me around. Thanks, Flash.
you're suddenly going to become the most popular guy in the cul-de-sac
that's right everyone will want to invite you over
for exercise from cul-de-sac to mad at zach
flashing
yeah um so this isn't really like i technically wasn't wronged but i hated it
um i was i could see so i was waiting to like get a parking space the other day that was like in
like along along the street and so like i kind of pulled over to the side because i could see someone
waiting to get out like to get out of their space and i wanted to take their space so i kind of like
pulled over to a not parking space a couple cars behind so that i could wait because it was like
they had to wait for traffic to go by so they could pull out and then i was going to pull it
So like they, they got to go out and then traffic kept coming and I was going to wait
for my spot to like pull out.
And then there's like, finally, like, oh, the end of a line, long line of cars that are
all driving by, I'm going to like pull out and get this space now.
And then the last car in line took the space that I was like waiting for like a minute for.
And I technically, he didn't know I was waiting for it, I suppose.
But I was very annoyed.
I felt like I was owed that spot.
so
did he hold up a coke while he was taking your space
yes
he did actually
wow
and then he poured orange Fanta
into my gas tank
Iran got you down
no
all right well damn
i guess that's the end of that commercial yeah um i'm sure i've been wronged a lot more than that
oh you know what really pissed me off one time i'm gonna have to change a couple of details
because I don't want the person to know.
I had a family member visit.
And this was probably in 2016.
They were visiting and staying with us.
And I was making a comment about how I was trying to get promoted
so I could make more money.
And then my family member,
and they were like, you're money hungry.
And I was like, what?
like the rest of your chickens
it's geese
do you
need meat
but
you sworn not to buy it
introducing
neighborhood geese
first you get your cardio
trying to find them
then you work on your empathy
by gaining their trust
then you go what we call psycho
and you choke him out this is more than just meat this is exercise this is psychology
this is a gym where you strangle an animal introducing geese for yous and meese
anyway um i was so mad because this first of all listen to this this person is related to
I'm trying to be so careful here.
Their immediate family member had just like embarked on like a very expensive program
to get into a career where they would make like bucco bucks.
So I'm sitting there like, oh, I can't dream.
You can dream.
I'm a money hungry bitch.
but like
that's
it's not like
I mean you were already working a regular
job it's not like you were working your dream job
and you're like I'm going to leave this
to go make money where it's like
no I'm working a job I don't
like and then I want to get a different job
that I won't like
sorry I need money for steaks
or well I mean
we're neighborhood geese you don't need money for that anymore
those are free
that was an interesting product the company went out of business because
you could just do it.
Yeah, like, don't worry about me, ho.
Yeah.
Introducing, mind your business.
You don't like what people are doing?
Tough ditty, said the kitty.
Don't worry about it.
Ain't got nothing to do with you.
Uh-oh, loud noises coming from next door?
Shut up.
I ain't your house party.
you at the doctor's office and somebody calls someone else's name
don't worry about what they have you'll die in your own time grandma
how about you
yeah um like well i don't i can't now i'm not now i'm having trouble thinking of a specific
example. Well, you started strong. Thank you.
I hate when
I hate when you're, okay, I hate when you're telling a story and people get like carried
away with the semantics and you're just like, where it's like they're correcting you.
I'm like, that's not the point. Leave me alone.
I hate that.
Yeah. How do you feel about it, Francis? When people do that?
you know when you're like you're telling this and they're like like the the ford escape and
someone's like it was an explorer and you're like at that okay it doesn't matter what kind of
okay it doesn't matter not the point that's not the point yeah i don't like people who are
there's a word for them um assholes yeah that's a synonym for the word i was thinking
basically it's like even if you're trying to like talk to someone and you're like trying to
be on their side and you're like oh i know that's so frustrating and they're like well i wouldn't
say it's frustrating it's like i'm already one foot out of this conversation now yeah okay if
you're not frustrated then why are you telling me right if you're if you're neutral about this then
what the fuck is this story and then it happens if it happens one more time i've already made up my
mind that we're not friends anymore yeah yeah like i don't ever want to speak to you again
yeah don't make me frustrated on your behalf and then you go i'm not no i'm not frustrated
Right. Now I'm on the other person's side.
Yeah.
You're wrong.
That's what they heard as I pushed them off a cliff.
Do you need a way to get rid of people?
Are you tired of asking them to leave?
Introducing cliffs.
Cliffs, no witnesses, only a nice breeze on the Riviera
and a faint scream of someone you used to know.
I wasn't frustrated.
And why did you say you were, bitch?
Cliffs.
Oh.
Well, I think we've gotten a lot of grievances aired
and we've sold a lot of really good products, too.
So I think that wraps up QVCing red.
Well, crap.
Turns out I don't look very good in red.
I'm okay.
Well, we should buy some of that stuff.
Just to have.
I'm going to buy some neighborhood geese right after this.
I'm going to buy glyphs.
Cliffs.
Cool, cool, cool.
I think you started Russian and then just did your own voice after a time.
That reminds me of another grievance I have.
But we'll save it for another day.
Okay.
Well, it's time for...
No, no, that means we're getting close to the end.
I know.
No, I'll drink this NyQuil.
Dude, I want you to do that anyway.
Thanks.
It's time for our next segment.
Our final segment.
The Baku.
The big question.
The question is very big.
I want to call it the big Baku from now on.
Baku.
Yeah.
Why?
Big question.
Big BQ.
Baku.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Big question.
You want me to ask you a big question?
We got a big question.
You got a question, ask a question.
I got one.
You got one?
Yeah.
Okay.
I have one.
All right.
I have one for you.
Here it is.
My big question.
Tell it to me.
Ears for your ears.
Remember as I asked you this, God gave you one mouth, but two ears.
So listen.
Okay.
One for each of your dogs that I know their names.
Because I'm a good listener.
it's so good
here it is
has there ever been
something you wanted
and like you really wanted this thing
and then you didn't get it
and then
you later you like really
wish that you had purchased it
or got it or asked for it or whatever
like something you let go
because you were like
or like it just wasn't the right time
yeah
yes
now I'm
orange fanta
coconut sprite
but now I'm having
like I know I've had that feeling before
but now I'm having
a hard time
remembering
something in particular
do you have something like that
yes this is kind of like I know it gonna sound silly but I think it was Encyclopedia Britannica They did their last set of encyclopedias because they were going into publication and everything was going digital
And I really wanted the set, but it was a few hundred dollars.
And so I was like, I don't really want to spend that.
And then obviously they stopped making them.
And even now today, I'm like,
I wish I had the last set of encyclopedias.
And there was, okay, this is kind of embarrassing.
Well, you know how I had my Harry Potter face?
Yeah.
So I was at this bookstore in San Diego.
It was like a magic-themed bookstore.
Nice.
Yeah, it was pretty cool.
And I went to cash out.
And at the register, I guess they had,
one of the people that worked there's parents
was made stuff by hand,
and so they had a whole selection of wooden wands carved
of all different kinds,
and magic talismans, things like that.
And I wanted them both, but I could only afford...
I was not sure I had credit, but...
Right. You were being responsible.
Yeah. I bought the wand, but I always wish I'd got the set.
because it was first of all it was magic themed and second of all it was one of a kind yeah
everything was like made by hand individually so it's like not like i could go find it now
yeah sorry my button flew off in the night
was that a woman's scream
yes it was one of the neighbors who saw you flashing yeah so uh i wish i could remember because i
uh i i that was
definitely something um i know that i have things like that but i just can't remember them i guess
it's a preservation thing for me that I don't think about it too much.
A preservation thing? Like I'm forgetting it. Like I'm forgetting it. Uh, cause if I
remembered, I would still be mad about something. Cause I, I know that feeling exactly where
you're like, nope. My wand and talisman. Yeah. Yep.
Uh, um, what's your talisman?
what about the other way around is there something that you thought you really wanted
and then you were very happy that you didn't end up getting it
or very disappointed that you did like a regretful purchase
yeah you know like how sometimes you have remorse after you buy something
there should be a name for that
no
it's too nebulous
no one will ever come up with the term
it's called bitter talisman
anyway
yes
I bought a lot of shit
later I'm like
why
like let me think
like a lot of it will come to me
I'm sure
like things I just had to have
I bought a car
I was going to say
I feel like
car is going to be the big one
that was a huge one because I wanted it so bad
first of all I bought it on Friday the 13th
which I didn't
give a shit about
but then everything started going
the next day I had a blowout on the freeway
and guess what
starting that year of the car
they didn't put spare tires in the trunk anymore
so you had to call for help.
That happened.
And then my water pump went out.
I was pissed.
Was that your Audi?
Yes.
See, I'm a good listener.
I remember.
Oh yeah, there's your third year.
This is interesting.
You know my favorite saying?
You never know what worse your bad luck saved you from?
So I don't know how that applies to me in this situation,
but I will say that the day I bought that car,
the minute I had signed the paperwork,
a lady and her husband came in looking for the car.
And I was like, in the moment, like, oh, I'm so lucky I got it.
And I'm like, that bitch was lucky.
I just saved her like $1,400 here and my blowout here.
Like she really lucked out.
Yeah.
But at the time you probably were like, ha ha, I got it.
I was the lady with the Coke.
Yeah.
Although, but I got there first, so.
Yeah.
So I mean.
You should find that lady and go hit her with that car.
well i don't have time for that i wouldn't know where to begin mist connections
mist evasions no what oh mist mist connections for like a water installation company
for those like mist connections yeah oh i'd love that so we just invented a water company
that does like patio nozzles
missed me with that gay shit
yeah that's another that's another possible name um yeah indubitably
interesting interesting what's your did you even have one thing no because
put your pen down be in the moment wait what was that joe well i'm afraid you're being a dumb
bitch yep yeah that's a good sound drop um i put my pen down don't write down this word you need to
be in the moment i think you need to be here be here now um i feel like there are god i wish i
could i'm terrible at this this is the problem is you ask me things about my past oh my god i have
one more okay when i was 16 i bought a shirt that was so stylish and then later i saw pictures and
it was like a pirate shirt like big flared sleeves and like flared at the bottom i had like lacing
yeah i feel like the majority of my answers to this question would be things that i bought from
like h&m when i was 16 that i thought looked really good and then they did not look good
but at least you put yourself out there yeah i can think of something from when i was a kid
I guess or like a teen perhaps. Um, I was like, I was working at this like, like kind of like
craft fair, um, helping this lady out, making these bracelets or whatever. And, um, it was
boring, but anyway, she gave me cash. Yeah. Yeah. She gave me cash for like the time that I spent.
And then like, so that I was like walking around the craft fair and I had cash now,
like suddenly I have money and um I there was this like lotion that smelled like rose and it
was like smelled really really good to me and I was like oh it's a little expensive but it's like
it smells so good and then I bought it and then it was like and then one of those things where
it's like I once I tried to use it I was like this is too much this is overpowering this was
like a huge waste of money it's like way too much scent it was not like nice and subtle like the
little bit it's like you can't use this on your body yeah this is overwhelming and i had wasted
like that then then i thought like that was half my day gone like that was not worth the sitting
board in the booth and they occasionally making a little like bracelet for that so i definitely
at almost instant nebulous term for when you are you have remorse when you buy something
why'd you just say that
because Joe said there couldn't be a term for that
yeah he did you're right
he wouldn't have said your word because that would be fucked up
okay
sorry I'm on guard as you know I'm way down
I say nebulous at least
five times a day
yeah I usually say it about six or seven
eight times a day
I say like ten so I mean not that it's a competition
or anything
yeah but how many eggs do you eat a day
zero
I'm afraid you're being a dumb bitch
yeah thank you for that one example yeah you that's okay you're welcome okay yeah that's stupid
uh well there's definitely times like i well because i know that feeling i like make it happen
where i'm like this is gonna be one of those moments if i don't pull the trigger on this i'm
gonna regret it yeah and so i i try to keep myself out of those situations
you know what that reminds me of
one time I was in San Diego
again a different time
and I went to this like shop
different shop
and I watched
they like made their own like perfumes and stuff
and potions or whatever
and they had one for like Felix Felizes
for like Harry Potter
and I was like oh can I
like try it
and she was like no
that's weird
like sorry we don't allow that
and then I bought it anyway
and I was so, later I was like, I should have said
fuck, excuse me, sorry listeners
why did I buy it? I should have been like, okay then
buy
something scent based and they wouldn't let
you smell it?
I could smell it but I couldn't put a little on
but you know things change on your skin
yeah, that's weird
the epidermis is unique to everyone
yeah
you ever know what worse Felix Felicis
your bad Felix Felicis saved you from
thanks for listening
that's okay you're welcome
well
I think we've answered
well you've answered
the big question
merci beaucoup
well one final
moment
I don't want to do this I want to end it
here I don't know I'm worried
I'm worried you're going to guess my
word I don't know I know how you are with your
stupid decoy words so we'll see it's probably gonna go your way as per usual
i don't think it is because i don't think i got yours
just you go first this time and since you're winning okay and keep in mind i don't like to
Is your word epidermis?
No.
Is your word crudité?
It was nudité.
No, no.
I wish it was, though.
Jingle hoppers.
I don't even remember saying that.
You said it, and then your jingle hoppers are out.
Like, your pants come down and your jingle hoppers are out.
No.
Is your word indubitably?
No.
Oh.
All right.
I have two guesses for your decoy word.
Okay.
Is your decoy word scream?
No.
Okay.
Is that a woman's scream?
I'd be pissed if that was my word.
I mean, for your sake.
For your sake.
Is your decoy word talisman?
That was my word.
No!
Damn it.
You said it so many times, I thought it was your decoy.
Here's why I said it so many times.
The first time I said it, I said talismans,
and I was like, I got to get it out again.
And so I didn't know of any other way to do that,
except to just...
I'm so relieved.
I hate that.
Wait, do you get a point if I guess your word as a decoy word?
I'm going to say yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
God damn it.
God damn.
I needed it.
And I feel fairly confident you're going to guess my word.
I'm worried one of these is your decoy.
No, I don't think you clocked my decoy.
Of course you're going to say that.
No, I'm serious.
I don't think you did.
You want me to stumble into it.
All right.
Let's just get this out of the way.
Okay.
irises no
I knew you were going to guess that though
is it cul-de-sac nope
I only have one more guess
semantics
that's my word
are you serious
yes I saw you write it down
god damn it
did you do that
did you
wait what was your decoy word
jackasses
that was your decoy word
we say that all the time well oh there's no way i was gonna pick up on that i feel like i went out
of my way to say it um okay so you guys i'm coming back oh that's three points for you
that might actually put this tied or it might i really thought i thought you were laying the
tracks for a decoy and i thought you were gonna guess mine i can't believe i you said talisman
so many times I thought it. That's why I guess it has your decoy. I can't
believe it. I was worried. God damn it.
Well, now you
like this game again, huh? I'm just
happy to not be totally losing.
I think we might be tied. No, I'm not sure. Joe, I'd like to thank you for today's
words.
well this is frustrating for me
I don't care for this
I can't believe I was so close
you were close
well good job Francis
congratulations on your three points
and maybe I'll see you
on the cleave
bye
you