oh my story yes so last night or actually in the early morning hours of this morning
i was thinking about slim fast well i was trying to come up with my own drink i was like oh i want
to come up with my own beverage that like hits all my macros like if i could just drink like a
like a weight loss jelly but it like made you feel great yeah and that's all i had to eat yeah done
yeah you don't think about it you don't have to worry about it right here's my meal here's my
soylent green yeah anyway um so i was like oh remember slim fast how great was the original
slim fast dutch royale chocolate but then they changed it and they got away from the can and
I put everything in a plastic bottle.
Nobody liked it after that.
So I dropped it in an email.
I'll read it to you.
Send it to them.
Okay.
Here it is.
I'm an executive at SlimFast.
Let me pull up my laptop, my email for the day.
Oh, wait.
Let me take a sip of coffee before I read this next one.
It's an interesting subject line.
Francis, V.O.
please re-release your chocolate beverage in an aluminum can the people yearn for the can
i'm sorry but those tetra packs are not it and plastic is so not the vibe on top of it
your cans were really something special thick ridged substantial think about it i know i have
p.s i have fun ideas for commercials let's get you back in the game
oh he likes my cans
I really did have amazing hands.
Somebody get Donald Aluminum on the phone now.
It's ringing, sir.
Donald?
You're awesome.
You know that new idea you've been looking for?
It's actually an old idea.
What?
and give me the boys and ad sales this francis guy has going places
wow well i can see uh how we all know exactly what was going on in the slim fest slim fast uh
offices this morning yeah just it must have been a mad dash of activity and oh they responded too
oh they did yeah they said we'll get this over to the right team basically is what they said
wow yeah so things are happening and i do i have four commercials ready to go
wow yeah oh i can't wait to see them because they're i'm assuming they're yeah it's like
commercials like video not yeah not like ad campaigns like print no no no no video okay um
i my plan is to become their spokesperson okay because they need a spokesperson like jared fogle
i'm thinking more criminally though okay good um yes it was the thing i was a one downside to
jared too innocent yeah too too innocent all of the rules um no not like that but like what does
progressive have state farm liberty mutual a well-known spokesperson yeah you know they need
to see me get hot on their product.
Yeah.
So that's why I wrote the commercials.
Okay.
I think it'll work.
I can't wait to see them.
Fun fact about me, one time I had the same idea with spam.
I was going to be like the spam boy.
And so I bought a bunch of stuff from spam.
Sunglasses, posters, and the meat, of course.
I was so excited.
I'm like, I'm going to lose all this weight on spam.
And I tried it, and I'm like, maybe not.
Wait, you had this whole plan before you had ever tried spam?
I never tried it.
No, the commercial looked good, though.
Hmm, is this a pork?
Hmm.
And I'm like, oh, that looks great.
It's...
What?
This was all they had during World War II?
Those ungrateful wenches.
Lobster in a can.
Is spam particularly good for you?
It's a little high in sodium.
But I mean, like, is it...
It's processed meat?
It's a meat, yeah.
So if you're doing a low-carb thing, you want to keep your protein up.
That was my big plan.
And I was like, I have the sunglasses on.
It says Spam on the side.
They're going to take a video of me in a pool on an inflatable flamingo being thin.
Yeah.
A flamingo that says Spam on the side.
Yeah.
Yeah, once I start selling it.
A flamingo made of Spam.
Oh, my God.
Why is my tube sinking?
Why am I eating my sinking tube?
Yeah.
So I hope you loved my hilarious anecdotes about spam.
And I almost forgot the thing that you're the spokesperson for.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
The boys in ad sales aren't going to like that.
No, they'll like it once they hear the commercials.
They're really good commercials.
So they do.
What?
Oh, yours are.
I thought you said they don't have any.
They even have like a tick tock with like 10 videos.
They're not trying anymore.
Let's get you back in the game.
I really think I could do it.
I believe in you.
I believe you could.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Welcome to Very Fine Friends, a podcast where friends talk about stuff.
Well, I know how you are, Francis.
I mean, you're cooking.
Your things are percolating.
I'm sipping.
You're going to be the spokesperson for Slim Fast.
Yeah.
You're going to be a household name, like Flo.
Yeah.
And the Lemu Emu.
Lemu Emu!
Yeah, we're going to make these products bestsellers again.
Yeah.
It really does seem like the time is right for a SlimFest comeback.
Thank you.
It really does, now that I think about it.
I mean, yeah.
With like Ozempic on the rise and...
you brand it as like a more natural alternative to ozempic one of my commercials actually does
such a thing nice yeah so we agree plus they're fortified vitamins minerals yeah yeah i mean
well you're not and that's one of the problems with ozempic that it's like people are talking
about it it's like people don't eat so they don't get the nutrients that they need and so like and
So they're losing a lot of like bone density and stuff.
It's like not real, like good, healthy weight loss.
So, man, SlimFast, get on this quickly.
Thank you.
I can't, I can't.
I'm, well, oh, my phone's ringing.
Oh, I'll answer it.
Yeah, leave it.
We can, after the pod.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer, Joe,
gives, Francis and I each our own secret word. Throughout the course of the podcast,
we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person
noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point. And
right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize, whoever has the most
points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is festivals. Jenna's decoy word is agonized. Francis's secret word is
anecdotes. Francis's decoy word is bestseller. Back to the pod. I hate to put this burden on you
to further invent things or come up with these brilliant ideas,
but it is that time for the invention of the week.
Inventions.
Okay, Francis, dazzle us again with more of your good ideas.
Okay, this week, the invention is a can of Slimfast.
Ooh.
No.
Get Donald Aluminum on the phone.
His nickname is Dawg.
Okay, so the invention is...
Remember shark toes?
Sure, I'm wearing them right now.
That was weird that you're walking around with a mattress shoe, but yeah.
Never know when I'm going to need to lie down.
I just want to be ready.
I'm tripping over my own shoe and then going to bed.
so this is another
bedroom related invention
which I think you're really going to like
okay
here it is
okay
you know how
we bathe
yes I do know that
you know how
we're lazy
I do know that
you know how we sleep
I do know that
my invention is
the love child of a car wash
and a bed
and basically how it works is
you go to sleep
and then you set
your alarm
and in the morning when your alarm
goes off
the bed
moves to one side or the other
wherever the car wash
section is it moves you into it and it you like slide into the like
fiberglass bed you know it deposits you lovingly into a bath yeah okay and it closes a thing that
just leaves your um head exposed okay and then it washes you water turns on soap dispensers like
you don't do anything you just sit there and it bathes you and then um when you're ready because
you're awake at this point um it opens and you slide in and it does your head
okay and so it cleans you and then it air dries you with a with a with a
you know just like in a car wash yeah so it washes you dries you and then as it's drying you
your windshield wipers
start flapping a little bit.
Does it put like a little
scent sticker thing on you
when it's done? A little hanging tree? Yeah.
Is that what they're called? Sure.
I think so. Little trees.
Little trees. Little trees. I regret
what I said before. Anyway
so. Hanging
trees. You know what I meant.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
And then what happens
to the way okay so it's like you slide in so you slide into your used bath water
no it's new it new bath water why would you slide it to use bath water once you're done it drains
it away okay but then you're sitting there freezing because it's cold it dries you with
warm air but you haven't done your head yet oh i'm talking about the transition between body and head
oh so before your head gets done
your body is just washed and it stays wet.
Then it opens and you slide in
and your body's still wet
while your head's getting wet and soaked.
Yes, but wouldn't you be cold if there's...
You're either sitting in the same bath water
just keeping you warm.
It's a tube that you're in
so everything stays the right temperature.
It's like a humid rainforest in there.
Okay.
There's proprietary thermoregulating technology involved.
Oh, okay.
All right, good.
Yeah, called a hot water tank.
Okay.
Well, it seems like it would be a fun ride,
but let me just iron out some more kinks here.
So for me, the head part of the shower
is the main part of the shower.
And I'm going to be honest with you here.
in terms of cleaning the body,
I really just hit a couple major areas.
I don't really like,
there's not like a lot of washing going on.
Yeah, just some key spots.
So I don't know that you'd need that much kind of body.
It makes it sound like this is some pretty intense scrubbing going on.
You can set the level of intensity.
Okay.
And if you prefer a system that only gives you head,
I mean, does your head.
Go on.
Oh.
I know.
Now suddenly I picture this selling.
Well, I was thinking like, you know, it could go over you like a perm helmet.
Okay.
And then you just latch onto a snorkel tube for your mouth so you can breathe while it washes your head and hair.
And then it dries you and you can let it go.
Is it compatible with the loose tube system?
So if you have both inventions, maybe you could, like while you have the air tube, if you get thirsty for like Coke, you could switch the nozzle.
If you buy both systems now.
You act now.
We'll give a substantial discount.
Yeah, there's like a little lever that you're breathing air, now you're drinking Coke.
and you do have
lever systems
or what was the
valve systems
we've already got that proprietary technology
yeah from our food bad success
yeah
okay
how big is this
because people don't have a lot of
spare room in their bedrooms
right
this is
if you have a
if you
okay
it's
it's part of your
bed so
it's like you're sleeping on
say you have a king okay I do
half of it
is for you and your mate so I sleeping on a twin now Okay Well this is mostly for single people who don like getting up to take a shower
Okay.
We like to sleep in.
You know, I'm single.
I like to sleep in.
I like to sleep in too.
But then, okay.
So, okay.
So keep going.
So it takes up half your bed.
Let's just be real.
Not everyone has room for this.
It's not my problem to solve.
The country's architecture.
I didn't say it was.
I just was asking how big it was.
I just want to know.
Big enough.
Okay.
Yeah.
So it's like if you have a queen bed, right?
And you have a mate and you can sleep with your mate.
It's the only one person can use this at a time.
So you're going to have to pick who's sleeping in the car wash zone.
Who needs it more?
Yeah.
You can take turns.
You don't have to shower every day anyway.
That's a big shower myth.
I do shower every day.
I don't feel good if I don't shower.
Even if I'm not leaving the house, I still shower.
Yeah.
Me too, except when I'm really depressed and I just stay in my bed and I don't get up.
That's not a good thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel like this would actually be a really pleasant way to wake up.
If you have it at a soft massage level, it could be like you wake up in the morning.
Yeah.
I'm like clean and I'm being gently rubbed awake.
Gently rubbed awake.
Yeah, I like that.
I think a lot of people would enjoy this.
Okay, what about for the people like myself who don't shower immediately when they wake up?
Like I wake up, I go to the gym.
Then I'll come home and shower.
So do I have to like then get into my bed and just like go, okay, bed.
Do your thing.
You can do it manually.
Absolutely.
You can get in and be like, wash me now.
Oh, that's the name.
Wash me now?
Yeah.
I mean, it just came up with it.
I was thinking sleep to clean.
Sleep cycle?
I was also thinking sleep cycle.
Okay.
Wait, wash me now.
Oh, okay.
Two peas.
Nice pod, huh?
Sleep.
Two peas on the pod.
to pee or not to pod
I think that's it you guys
wrap it up
thank you for listening to
very fine friends
also known as
you were saying
yeah sorry I was too busy writing down your genius ideas
thank you
okay so it can be done manually
what if you
I feel like this is ripe for pranks
like setting somebody's alarm so that like it's like 3 30 in the morning and all of a sudden
they're like now they're taking a bath yeah you can only prank someone with it one time though
how come because it's proprietary anti-prank technology i don't know what happened anyway
i'd love if you slept over again tomorrow night um what about people that
is there a way to do this where people don't even have to wake up
like is it gentle enough that people could sleep through it i don't know if there's
something gentle enough in the world that if it started soaking you and rubbing you
you would remain sleeping i feel like i'm the closest person to that because i'm a very deep
sleeper but even me i feel like if someone was like scrubbing me i would be like
okay uh i i worry that this would be a lot of wet in your room um no there's no there's
No.
Okay.
No, it's...
No.
Okay.
It moves you into a capsule that seals.
And then when it's done, it drains the water out.
And the air dryer gets rid of all the remaining water.
Here's a demonstration.
Okay.
Whoa.
There was so much water in this room and now it's all gone.
You get it.
Yeah.
What do you think?
Best seller?
um i think i like the idea of like a human car wash just because i think that'd be fun to try
and i like doing it on a bed because it's fun to have beds moving like i like the idea of beds
being pushed places oh can there be like uh an in like an indoor section where people can watch
you getting washed like when they watch their cars getting washed well it's like a it's like
a Snow White's casket.
It's glass.
Oh, okay.
So you can...
What about people
that are claustrophobic?
They will get their bed wet,
but they can't open the capsule
to get out at any time.
Also, why would you buy it?
This is like those...
Yeah, you idiots.
People who like...
What are you doing?
People post recipes
and they're like,
here's my famous bean salad
and someone always comments,
what if I don't like beans?
It's like, get the hell out of here.
This isn't for you.
Yeah.
Then shut up.
You idiot.
Yeah.
So we'll put a strong disclaimer on the website.
Okay.
If you have claustrophobia, maybe just use a regular shower.
Okay.
Yeah.
It'll say you dumb bitch too.
Okay.
You know what inspired this idea?
I thought, how is it that it's 2025 and we don't have a shower system that washes you in your clothes?
why don't you just put on a dirty outfit get in the shower you get clean and the clothes get clean
and then dries you i i mean i yeah that's a lot of technology that needs to be invented still
maybe one day yeah baby steps baby steps let's start with just washing you in your bed first
this is the kind of thing that i could see being fun as like a ride
like at amusement parks or festivals or something,
just like, hey, let's go get in the bed and wash ourselves.
It just feels more like a ride to me.
I'm picturing it like a bed going through a car wash.
That's fun too.
Are there going to be the fun different colored soaps that squirt on you?
And like a light show?
Yeah, a light show.
And then you're going to hear this.
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
that's roller coaster i was trying to do car wash i messed it up i was gonna say this are there
car washes that make like fun noises there should be wow stay tuned next week yeah inventing a
car wash okay it's a car wash but you take you drive through it into your bed wait
and there's sounds this sounds like a dream i wouldn't know i was i like wouldn't recognize
was a dream okay this is not related to the invention of the week but i had a dream
last night that we were recording this episode but we were in the car that francis you were
driving and joe you were in the back seat with the computer and francis you started and you were
just like welcome and then we were both singing like so that's the opening we never actually said
the name of the podcast it was just us singing back and forth and i was like man i hope like
Like in my head, I was like, we don't have mics right now.
I hope the recording is picking all this up because Joe's really laughing really hard at this.
Yeah, that sounds way better than anything we had planned for today.
Yeah.
We should try that one time.
Just a car recording?
Yeah.
Okay.
And then, yeah, I was like doing backup vocals.
I love that idea.
Okay.
This all feels very fortuitous.
All right, we'll do it.
Oh, and we can do it in a drive-thru in a car wash.
and then
we wouldn't even need ASMR sounds
from Francis that would just be
very fine friends
go to the car wash
I love it I think
this week feels like a turning point for us
finally
finally this thing's gonna be on rails
bum bum bum bum bum
it's a car wash
what's our final verdict on the name
sleep cycle
is that the best one
I feel like we were both thinking of it
yeah
I like that one the best
sleep cycle
okay
night bath
go to veryfinefriends.com
and pick up yours now
we're running a special
if you order it now
you will get
with the set of loose tubes
you get a discount
so
and it's substantial
what if people accidentally
fill up their, they mix up the loose tubes and then you're accidentally washing yourself
with Dr. Pepper or something.
Well, I guess that's just...
We are an LLC, so figure it out.
Don't call us.
Yeah, that's true.
If you did it wrong, I mean, you can't be mad at me.
Yeah, you're an idiot.
Yeah.
How about pull your head out of your ass?
Yeah.
How about test your IQ so we figure out what's wrong with you?
Dr. Pepper's the closest you're going to get to having a doctorate.
You idiots.
Yeah.
Or a doctor.
Yeah.
Doctor period.
Based in Tampa, Florida.
Do you also call Tampa, Florida, Tampon Florida?
Yeah.
Okay, good.
Doesn't everyone?
I know is the answer to that question, and I don't know why.
Well, people who live there are probably sensitive about it.
Well, the people that live there should change the name of the town.
Yeah, Tampa.
Tampa.
You got a Tampa.
Sure, Jan.
Yeah.
Come on.
Tampa, if you're listening, we know you are.
We know you are.
Pull your head out of your vagina.
That should be the slogan for tampons.
Yeah, it should.
We should start our own company.
Oh, okay.
We should find tampons.
we're getting so much done god what a productive day we're clean our flows are stopped
all right um we're getting slim
all right uh well yeah this is gonna be this is gonna be in in homes everywhere i think yeah
I totally agree.
And some condos.
If the HOAs are not being dicks about it.
They can't say shit about what's inside the house.
Are you sure?
It feels like that would be something they would dictate if it's potentially water-based.
Your washer could explode at any time.
They can only give you crap about what's outside.
You know how they're washing machines without agitators in the middle now?
We just got one.
so it's just like a big tub.
Do you think anyone's ever climbed in it
and tried to wash themselves in it?
I know what we're doing later.
And while they were doing it,
they were like,
oh, why can't I do this in my bed?
Yeah.
Totally, it was 5 a.m.
It's clearly going to sell.
So get yours now, folks.
Veryfinefriends.com.
They're flying off.
Oh, I just got an alert.
We only have three left.
Oh my gosh.
Oh no.
I knew it was a great idea.
I love myself.
That wraps up the invention of the week.
Good job.
Thank you.
My brain hurts.
Well, it's done.
You done good, kid.
Thanks, Paul.
It's time to get to our next segment.
Psychic bosom.
Yes.
Coming to theaters this summer, it's Psychic Blizzom.
Okay, Francis, why don't you explain this one?
Psychic Blizzom works like this.
One of us will tell a story of an event or whatever, anything we want.
and we will do this while the other person is constantly interrupting to kind of guess where
things are going okay that's it highly technical hope you got it okay are you gonna tell a story
sure okay i'll tell the story i will begin shortly once the story has come to me and it's on its way
and it's queuing up.
And it's in the little train station that's inside your brain?
I see what you're doing.
Ah.
Here we go.
When I was a kid, my dad used to take me to Rocky Point all the time.
Like we basically lived in Rocky Point.
And my dad sold real estate down there.
And a lot of times we would live in...
Inside the car of the people that would come to see the property that you were selling?
No, we never lived in a car.
Okay, sorry.
It's okay.
Go on.
We lived in homes, like local homes.
Not like beach property, like the middle of Rocky Point homes.
And one time there was a carnival.
And a clown came and he bit your toe off.
No, a clown did not come and bite my toe off.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
it's okay keep going uh anyway it was a little carnival in the middle of town and they had
street corn like real street corn and that was like the first time i tried it it was it was very
good but you were deathly allergic to it and you didn't have an epi pen and so that's why you're
dead now no oh okay i'm sorry i wasn't allergic to it and i didn't die oh sorry it's okay
so i like how annoyed you're getting with me no so this pre-arranged game not annoyed
okay so i'm sorry keep going no it's okay um i don't know if you know this but you you're not
supposed to drink the water down there um i don't know if that's just like we're not supposed to
drink i don't know how this works i just know that you could you can get sick drinking the water
unless it's purified.
So you purified it for the whole town
and then they hailed you as a local hero
and you welcome there ever since And there a statue of you Holding up a small child The Rocky Point Town Square Holding up a small child Smaller than you because you were a child when you were there Yeah
And so that's why the statue is of you as a child, but you're holding a smaller child too.
Yeah.
Is that what happened?
That's it, right?
I don't think that's what happened.
Oh, okay.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Go on.
Okay.
I mean, because there could be a statue of me down there, but I've never seen it, nor was I notified.
There probably is.
There is, yeah.
Yeah.
So one time, we have to go fill up the water, like, at a purification system place.
Instead, you accidentally went to Lake Titicaca and just got that water and drank lake water.
Is that in Mexico?
And you got Giardia.
It's somewhere in South America.
I don't know where it is.
I just like saying it.
It's in South America, I'm pretty sure.
Yeah, pretty sure that's correct.
Pretty Shitty Caca, that's correct?
No, I didn't do that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
Easy mistake.
Anyway, I didn't know that you also had to cook with clean water.
So I was like making mac and cheese with regular water.
And my dad walked in and he was like,
What are you doing?
I was like, Chad, what?
He's like, you're supposed to use a bottled water.
And then a lizard came out of your macaroni and cheese
because there was a lizard in the unpurified water.
And the lizard was just sitting there with a little tiny fork.
A little tiny lizard fork.
eaten the mac and cheese?
No.
Oh.
There was no lizard.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Sorry, go on.
He also used to let me ride a quad on my own with no helmet.
But by quad, you mean a horse?
Okay, I see why you would think that,
because horses have four legs.
But no, I meant quad.
Sorry, go on.
It's okay, ATV, maybe if that helps.
Anyway, so I would ride on my own all day out in the desert.
and this is really sad.
One time I...
Saw a train being robbed
by some meth dealers
and then they shot you?
Because you saw them?
No.
That was in Breaking Bad.
Oh, sorry.
Go on.
That's okay.
So I...
I flipped over a donut.
And when I say donut,
I mean like a donut in the ground.
You mean like a thing that you eat?
No.
I mean the thing that...
Sorry.
That digs into the ground from constant circles like a donut.
Okay.
Go on.
Anyway, and I didn't see it because there was dust.
And I rode over it and I flipped over.
And I landed on the ground.
But you landed on your feet and you put your arms up like a gymnast.
And then you didn't know it, but there were judges right there that held up signs saying 10, 10, 10, 10.
And then there was one that said 8.3 and you were like, what the hell?
To the 8.3 guy.
And then you later killed that 8.3 guy and his entire family.
Well, they had it coming.
Yes.
No, no, that didn't happen.
Oh, sorry.
Because I fell on my back and I broke my rib.
And by rib, you mean that bone in your chest?
Kind of.
Oh, okay.
Isn't the rib in the chest?
yes yeah go on oh well whatever science is stupid anyway so um anyway so i had to i like
walked my quad because i couldn't ride it anymore because i just was like woozy probably concussed
and i went up and we were leaving that day and i had to go up and be like dad i hurt myself
and he was like and then your dad was selling a house at the time and and he was like hey you
you sir that's looking at this house uh i've gotta take my boy to the hospital so you better
buy this house real quick or your opportunities missed and then the guy was like oh okay okay
and then he wrote you a check for the house immediately and then your dad got the great
idea because it sold so fast to constantly be breaking your ribs right before selling a house
and that's how you became the number one realtors in rocky point i just want to say that out of
everything you've said, this actually is the closest to what could have happened.
That's very Dennis coded.
But no.
Oh, sorry.
He didn't believe me and thought I was lying to get out of helping pack.
So he made me, and there was no elevator.
So he made me like go up and down and like help bring things to the car.
And I was like, I thought I was going to die.
It was a horrible time.
But then later as an adult,
you realize that that's what taught you discipline and hard work as a child.
And so you thank your dad for that ever since.
And sometimes you wish you could just break your rib again just to get things done?
Just to make him proud?
I have not made that connection yet, so I'm going to have to say no.
Oh, sorry.
Go on.
But on the way home, this is really interesting.
You stopped at a carnival and you bit off a clown's toe?
No.
Oh, sorry.
Go on.
It's okay.
The line to get to the border was very long, and we didn't want to wait in it.
So you lived in Mexico?
You just stayed there?
Until they came out with Dash Pass for crossing the border.
Yeah.
It's a fast pass like you get at Disneyland.
You just have to pay $50 extra.
Is that real?
No.
Okay.
that's a great idea they gotta pitch that um hello mexico if you're listening and we know you are
sorry go on it's okay i was just gonna say that he's bribed a like um uh lady of the night it's
not a bribe that's paying for services but no oh sorry no what's it called i keep wanting to say
armageddon but that's not it um ambulance he bribed an ambulance to like go through town with
the lights on and so we were like following them and then we like cut we're trying to cut into
traffic near the border and there was nobody wanted to listen rightfully so right but then
that same lizard that was eating mac and cheese was there in his little tiny lizard car and he was
he saw you and he remembered how good your mac and cheese was so he was just like francis this way
and then he let you cut in front of him even though the people behind yelled um and they were
really upset uh that he let you cut but he but then the lizards screamed back you have no idea
how good this mac and cheese was you'd let him in too no lizards don't talk oh sorry go on it's okay
and then um this i got out of the car and i was like pre-teen but i was like i'm gonna get out of
the car i was like don't get out of the car like i'm getting out of the car and i stood in front
of this other car and i was like hmm i put my hands up like you stop and i was like and then
all these people got out of the car to like come and like
you know. Give you a hug
and say little boy
we'll fix your rib.
Yeah. That's how
I remember it. Ended with a hug.
Oh.
Good. I knew it. Yeah.
Yeah. I like how they knew my rib was
broken. It's like protruding
through my. Little boy
can we give you a hug near the border?
That sounds
that sounds wrong.
A hug near the border?
Sounds like a euphemism for something.
Yeah.
Anyway, what do you think?
I think that was a good story.
And I think
I had a feeling.
You think that that's the best story that's ever been told
and it should
win a Pulitzer?
Um, no.
Oh, sorry.
Go on.
Uh, I know.
I think that was a good story.
And I kind of had a feeling the whole time that there's no point to being alive and everything
is a cosmic joke.
And one day we're going to wake up in a alien laboratory and they're going to be laughing
and pointing.
Uh, no.
Okay.
Should I go on?
Yes, please.
Yeah.
Um, and I do think we should go to Rocky point and investigate.
because I guarantee you there's a statue of you there.
Holding...
Holding a smaller child.
Also named Francis, but it's not me.
But it's Francis with an E.
So it's a little girl.
Yeah, a little girl.
Who came to Rocky Point by way of Guatemala
and whose parents invented railroad tracks
and somehow they're still alive.
Yep.
No, actually, she came from a small little town
on the border of Bolivia and Peru,
which is where Lake Titicaca is located, in case anyone was wondering.
And they're delicious water.
That anyone can drink.
And it makes creamy mac and cheese.
Approved by lizards.
Yep.
And rumor has it they put one clown toe in each batch of mac and cheese,
and if you find it...
You get the prize.
Yeah.
And the prize is?
Hepatitis B.
Yeah.
Hepatitis C for clown?
No, that's...
We can't just change how disease works.
This is a hepatitis B infection if I ever saw one.
Well, that was a really good story that I knew the whole time exactly where it was going.
Because you read my journal when I was 15?
and in the journal you wrote dear jenna in the future this is for you it's not a true story but
it's it's one it's a tale that will be woven in time xoxo francis p.s hug me near the border
sincerely rib boy and that's why people still call you rib boy to this day
PPS. I'm trying out this new thing with spam.
I hope it goes well.
PPPS. Great cans.
All right. Well, that wraps up.
Very successful.
Psychic bosom.
Things are about to get bosomy.
Okay.
It's time to move on to our final segment.
And Francis, I have just agonized over this.
Oh, good.
I like you and agony.
But I think we got to do it.
We got to do the final segment.
The big question.
The question is very big.
I would like to say I agonized over what the big question would be, but I didn't.
So I hope you did.
nope oh i was like i was just being i was being folksy about whether or not i'd say
that's are we gonna do that big question
anyway i was just just funning just having some fun just goofing just goofing off
My baby's a big goof.
Goof soup.
Okay, I'll ask her.
I'm goofy.
What?
I can ask a question.
Okay, great. That would be great. Thank you.
Okay, here's the question.
Okay.
Loading, buffering.
Here it is.
The question is...
Very big.
you know how you know how there's honey i shrunk the kids yeah i do know that if you got shrunk
um what would you like what would you do like if you were in like a shrunken world
i guess you were shrunken in the world if you were shrunken in the world
like like what would your game plan be uh well okay the first thing i'm thinking about
is
transportation would be incredibly difficult.
You'd not be able to cover a lot of ground, right?
So
do I need to
have a way to quickly get
to and fro places?
So we're just talking
strict survival, not like if
what fun things would you do?
Well, this is
your life.
You can give me a little bit of both.
Okay.
What's the point of surviving if you also aren't having fun?
Yeah, survive and thrive.
Okay.
Can I also be 30 and flirty?
Okay.
What?
I would find a way to get myself to a mall.
I think.
I'd have to practice being able to jump from, like, one person to the next.
Because I think a mall has a lot of people going a lot of different directions.
Plus, there's a lot of stuff in there.
So it'd be, like, a lot of stuff to do and probably a lot of ways, like, you know, there's food in there and stuff to sustain me.
But I would make sure that I got really good at jumping from one person to another.
So, like, I'd hang on to, like, one person's, like, bag or, like, purse or whatever.
and then as they're walking by
and then it'd be like,
oh, shoot, I need steak and shake.
And then I'd jump to the person that's...
And then I'd jump to the person
that's headed towards the steak.
I feel like that would be a good...
Because you would need to be able...
You need to be able to hitch your giddy up
to a lot of different people.
So.
So that would be my game plan.
And I think also you, for fun, for funsies, I think for fun, I think being able to, if people don't know you're there and then like you hide out and then you can just like listen to people's conversations and stuff and see what they do.
I feel like that would really hurt your ears because the sound waves would be like.
I'm assuming the sound is
close to the same
you could play little mall pranks like you probably turn
lights on and off randomly
and just picturing me on like a giant light switch just come on get down get down yeah um yeah that would be fun make people think they haunted i would probably do that how would you get around the fear
because you're now in a world where a daddy long legs is like now a monster to you
Oh, true.
Here's the thing, though.
When those, when you're right up next to, like, a Daddy Longwigs or something like that,
you just be like, bro, I'm just like you.
We're both, like, being afraid of being squished.
It's like, let's not, what are we fighting each other for?
Fight the big guys.
They're the ones that are after us, right?
And then I would be kind of like a folk leader amongst all creatures and anything squishable.
I won't tell them that in my big size I would squish them.
Actually, I don't really squish spiders.
I like spiders.
Yeah, me too.
They kill other things that I don't like.
But here's my thing.
You might be saying all this, but they don't really speak English.
So I would think what you could do.
I'm very expressive, though.
Oh, so you're a little.
Yeah.
So they'll be able.
So I'll speak English.
Eventually, they'll learn their language.
They probably do speak it.
We just can't hear it.
Oh, yeah.
Because that's a good point.
Yeah.
They listen to us yap all the time.
There's no way they didn't pick up a little English here and there.
Yeah.
They teach it in spider school.
It's an elective.
But.
Only in the private ones, though.
Yeah.
Well, spiders are notoriously rich.
Yeah.
With eyes.
And spider public education funding is awful.
That's why they don't teach a second language.
Spider public school.
They don't need it.
They work.
They're learning trades.
Spider trades.
Web building, etc.
Can you imagine diving into a cake?
It's like you can swim and eat.
what if you drown
in the cake?
yeah
tempt me with a good time
yeah
what if you get stuck?
stuck in the cake?
yeah
you get stuck in the frosting?
just keep eating
um
you'd be the world's
tiniest
stripper that comes out of a cake
oh
it's me
and then you're like eating
who wants to hug me
near the border?
I'd hold on to someone's tooth.
Because you can, no matter what you do, you cannot go into the stomach.
You will be...
Oh, yeah, that's instant death.
Yeah, that's acid fat.
Yeah.
So you gotta, like, hold on to the uvula or something.
Yeah.
You're just clinging to that thing.
Ha!
Okay.
What would you do?
I feel like I would immediately be thrust into a world of fear.
And I need to know I can survive.
So I would get...
What's that stuff called?
Diatonaceous Earth?
You know what I'm talking about?
No.
Okay.
Wait, what is it?
I don't want to pronounce it wrong again, but Diatonaceous Earth?
it it's safe for humans but it's like jagged for like insects so like if like a if like a scorpion
walked across like a bunch of it it would like rip up their exoskeleton oh so i would need to
like get some of that so that if i like came across like insect predators i could like
throw it at them or like put a circle or like roll around in it like you go ahead and take a
bite but guess what emmer effort it's gonna burn on the way down emmer effort so moth er
effort okay sorry it's okay so you're you're trusting the insect's ability to know that it's
diatonaceous earth since as you just told jenna earlier they don't speak english they understand
when I'm when I'm Francis is also very expressive yeah when I'm posturing angrily it's not they're
not gonna be like oh I better approach this guy looks welcoming but if it's coming at me like oh
a meal I'm gonna eat this guy I'm gonna be like you're about to get this shit in your your eye
you have a real bad time okay I want to know though assuming see like in my world I'm just
assuming the threats are not really threats I'm not too worried about it threats are not threats
What are you doing for fun, Francis?
Oh.
Once you, the fear levels, and you're now a tiny little man.
Teeny little super guy.
Teeny tiny little man.
Okay, let's assume you're right.
There's no threats.
Yeah.
I want to know what the fun side of this.
I think it would be so cute to climb a tree.
Especially like a ficus tree, because it's all tropical.
I feel like I was in Fern Gully.
You know, so I had like, me and the tree.
you could grab onto a balloon
and float away
and just like an ant
say the balloon pops
and you're thousands of feet in the air
you'll probably survive if you fall
due to your size
so I would do a lot of
I don't think that's right
yeah ants survive
you could drop an ant off a building
and it would be fine
like your aunt Tina
thanks for volunteering auntie
she is not okay um yeah so i would i want to do a lot of like daredevil type stuff
and um you know they have a lot of toys children's toys that you could use to like
do things like get in like a pool but now you're like in a little children's ball so
the barbie malibu house yeah you got i could live in a mansion aka barbie malibu
I feel like I would eat a lot of
I would jump onto a lot of food
It's like how funny
This hamburger is now like humongous
I'm climbing it and I'm eating my way to the middle
Really a metaphor for corporate America today
Ain't that the damn truth
Ain't that the DT
Slimfast if you're listening
And we know you are
This is another option
Just make the people tiny
Yeah, have you thought about that?
Yeah, you idiots.
Think about it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, that's my future employer we're talking about.
They like a little tough love.
We have a playful relationship.
Yeah.
You should see how I talk to Donald.
I call him brain slim.
Donald aluminum.
Oh, Donald is such a masochist.
He just takes it.
Donald.
Okay, so you do daredevil stuff.
I don't know if that's correct, that you wouldn't die if you jumped from...
Like a balloon that was...
Yeah, check it out.
Look it up.
Okay.
An ant can survive a fall like that.
But there might be something about the way the ant's body is composed that...
I don't think it's because it's so small.
Maybe.
I can't propose to know everything.
I'm just a simple commercial writer slash spokesperson.
I would like to walk on a pie.
I feel like that would be fun.
Or like walk on Jell-O.
You could do Jell-O Angels.
Yeah.
And then you would start a...
What's the thing?
Like an urban legend or whatever?
You know when people see the Virgin Mary in a waffle?
And then they photograph it and it's on the news?
Yeah.
It's like, oh my god, I was having breakfast and look!
Jell-O Angels!
So in this scenario, people don't know that we're tiny or that it's even possible?
Yeah.
Okay.
They don't know.
We're secret tinies?
Secret tinies.
Okay.
Actually, Francis, you've been vindicated.
And this kind of makes sense now that I'm reading the description.
But yeah, most insects can survive very high falls due to their low mass.
That's because they have low mass, which means that they accelerate less.
so the actual impact damage is much so the wind is slowing us down a lot because we're so tiny
exactly yes like you're more kind of like slowly floating now it seems fun to jump yeah sure i'd
jump too i'd jump today well that that also makes it a lot easier in my scenario i won't
be worried about i could jump and and miss people too i don't have to worry about being really good
that landing.
Yeah.
And you could climb up anyone
on their shoelace.
Yeah.
And you could climb their leg hair.
Oh, yeah.
To get to their fanny packs.
These are some gross people.
They're just men
who wear fanny packs.
They're just men.
Okay.
Well, it seems like
we'd have some fun.
Yeah.
Listeners,
tell us what you'd do
if you were teeny tiny,
If you were a secret tiny.
If you were a little bit of secret.
I'm done.
Yeah.
If you were a secret tiny, Francis, you never would have broken your rib.
That's true.
Yeah.
That would have been the cutest little ATV you ever did see.
Yeah.
Tell us, listeners, tell us what you would do if you were a secret tiny.
Anywhere on social media, at Very Fine Friends.
I wonder if you could ride a bullet.
ooh but would you want to
not if it was going into
somewhere oh actually wherever you stopped
you're done never mind
I just thought like wow if you gotta be on top and then like
you know
yeah
but maybe that idea sucks
speaking of
bullets
okay
alright well that wraps up the big question
the big question
alright
Well, we only have one final bit of business.
Francis.
Yep.
Do you have guesses?
I have guesses.
It happened one time.
I panicked.
Okay.
Is your word density?
No.
I don't even remember when I said that.
Okay.
Is your word train robbery?
No.
Is it robbery?
No.
Is it meth?
No.
I legitimately was thinking of Breaking Bad and you with this little kid wandering the desert.
Is it titty caca?
No.
I legitimately wanted to say that.
I have a word that I think is your decoy word.
I'm just going to have to say it.
Well, you can say that if you're declaring that you're guessing the decoy word, you can say that.
But it's a real word.
You don't get credited.
Shit.
Well, I think it's your decoy word.
I wrote down agonized.
That is my decoy word.
Yes.
I feel like Francis should get a point for guessing that it was your decoy word.
Well, yeah.
My favorite part of our podcast is how we look at all the rules of the secret word and how
they evolve over time.
Yeah.
And how our webmaster has to constantly be changing the table.
because if you go to verifiedfriends.com
you can see the points totals
and Francis is winning
you can see how we got the points too
episode by episode
it's quite stimulating
our rules are both rigid and arbitrary at the same time
soft and hard
um
well no my
my secret word
do you want me to tell you
oh yes of course I need to know
festivals
that was my secret word
that's a good word I'm writing it down now why
I can't wait to guess this
alright
dang you guessed my decoy word
that's only one point
though not like two points
if you guessed the secret word that's two points
guessing the decoy word is one point
putting you further ahead
now shoot I was not thinking about potential decoy words
did you say decoy words?
I did
um
All right, well, I have some guesses for your word.
Okay.
Capsules?
No.
Slufos?
Donald Aluminum?
Uvula.
No.
That's a good word, though.
Diatonaceous Earth?
No.
Those were my guesses.
Okay.
And I don't have a guess for your decoy.
Okay.
When did you say it?
Toward the beginning.
And I said my decoy word twice.
So, the word that I had, my secret word, was anecdotes.
Anecdotes.
Yeah.
You said it real fast in the perfect context.
Yeah, I did.
those are my anecdotes about spam and slim fast yeah wow yeah and my decoy word was bestseller
i said we're gonna we're gonna make slim fast a bestseller again wow
man you got him in early well then i said it again because i was like early and often i want
to bait her with my decoy word that didn't work it did not work i was i thought uvula was gonna be
I was
I'm disappointed
it's okay
that's a good guess
thank you
you want to do an evil laugh together?
sure
what?
all right
Francis once again
is adding to his point total
and I'm just left here
hmm
you sounded like a text message just now
hmm
yeah
like when your phone's already open
it's not like a full alert
it's that like
there it is
alright well I think that does it
for this episode
bye