have you tried that thing where you breathe all the air out of your lungs and then scream
no wait how do you do that
try it
welcome to very fine friends
listeners at home you try that
pause the track
exhale completely
and then scream
and then get back to us and let us know.
Do it around sleeping babies.
Yeah.
They won't wake up.
It won't be a very loud scream.
Yeah.
You can't trust us.
While you're doing that,
we're going to do some bonus improv.
Joe, can we get a suggestion?
Your suggestion is empathy.
Empathy.
No.
No, you're not for it.
No.
I'm for it.
I love empathy.
I wish the world were kinder.
I always wonder what's going on in someone else's life.
Why are they acting that way?
Yeah.
There's a lot of behavior that I'm like, really?
Really?
Yeah.
Like, it doesn't even look fun.
Like, being bad, but being bad in like a fun way, I get.
Yeah.
Like, robbing a bank and rolling around in the money.
Totally.
That's fun.
it's bad behavior but it's fun but like just being an asshole to somebody like
just like i don't know what's i had a saying for this i was gonna tell you
it was about bad attitudes and being an ass but slipped my mind got a bad attitude are you an ass don be is that the phrase Oh wow Yes Yes I hear that all the time
Yeah, it's...
What?
No, I forgot it again.
Oh.
Yeah, but empathy is super, super important.
Okay.
Some people just don't have it.
Yeah.
And a lot of those people know they don't have it, and they mask.
Have you heard this?
Have you ever heard of this book called The Mask of Sanity?
It's about how psychopaths or sociopaths, I can't remember which, are aware.
And they create a mask that they can present to society.
So they know that they're hiding their true nature, but they need to exist among other people.
So they lie, and it's crazy.
And now, improv.
Wife, please come here.
Oh, yes. Yes, husband?
I've decided to come clean.
Oh, should I be worried?
Yes.
Oh.
This is troubling news at best.
And at worst, it will change your life forever.
Oh, no. Hang on.
Let me find...
What happened to all of our chairs?
They're gone.
I need to sit down for this.
No, I got rid of them.
You put peanut shells all over the floor like a Texas roadhouse.
The original, yes.
So that I can't sit down on the floor without getting messy.
All right, fine, I'll stand for this news.
Stand on the peanuts.
I'm standing on them.
Thank you. Have a few.
You know I'm allergic.
Carry on.
Here it is. The news.
God, I wish I was sitting right now.
I don't care about that wish.
Which leads me to my next point.
I don't care about anything.
That's what I've been hiding from you all these years.
All those birthdays I remembered made me sick.
What?
All the food I cooked you pissed me off.
What?
Picking you out from the airport, I wanted to kill us both.
What I just don care There it is Honey Honey Don call me that Just Husband Shut up for a second Shut up
Let me ask you something.
Have you read...
a book...
called Unmasking Sanity?
Yes.
Is that why you're behaving like this?
It's why I feel confident to behave like this.
Why?
Who wrote that book, honey?
Dr. Mitchell Sandberg.
Yeah.
Dr. Mitchell Sandberg.
What about it?
Who cares?
Now you're going to wish there were some chairs.
What?
You're going to wish there were some chairs.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
You're going to wish there were chairs.
Should I go stand on the nuts?
I'm Dr. Mitchell Sandberg.
Shut up.
I wrote this book.
Give that book to me.
Let me open the back jacket.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, it's Michelle Sandberg.
You didn't even care enough to read it.
Oh, my God.
Because I've been calling you wife all these years.
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
I wrote that.
So you don't care either?
No, I care.
Not a lick.
Ha ha ha ha.
And I got you.
The only thing I cared about in this world was getting you to unmask.
I knew those dinners meant nothing.
I knew that we both wanted to die after coming back from the airport.
You've been treating me clinically?
I don't even have a birthday.
You piece of shit.
I just tricked you.
So let me guess.
Somehow these roadhouse peanuts fit into all this?
I love peanuts.
I love them.
Oh, you sick bitch.
Uh huh. Uh huh.
Where do we go from here?
I was so excited to not care and you were going to be devastated.
And I love the idea of that.
Oh and I know now I this is the first time I ever really felt anything Watching you get crushed You wanted to show me how you didn feel anything
Well, I tricked you into dropping your mask.
Hey, Michelle.
Ooh, that felt weird.
Yes, husband.
Did you ever read a book called
Executing the Unmasking of Sanity?
Yeah.
Hmm, that's interesting.
Who wrote that book?
uh dr harambe sandberg well you're in for a treat just call me harambe what that's right
oh my god the pack cover it's you that's me i've always called you husband i know i didn't know i
didn't know that was your real name yes my whole entire uh relationship to you has just been me
giving you the professional confidence to execute your framework.
You son of a bitch.
Oh, yeah, and guess what?
All those times I picked you from the airport, I did care.
What? No.
I got there early. I was in the parking lot.
What?
Yeah, I was reading a book called How to Love Your Wife.
No.
Yes.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
My whole identity is being a psychopath
and making you unmask yourself as a psychopath.
You've been a caring, empathetic person this whole time?
It's called layering, and guess what else?
What?
The peanuts.
I've been giving you micro doses of them, so your allergy's gone.
No.
That's it.
You did something nice for me.
That's right, elephant.
Because of the peanuts?
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
God, you asshole.
That's me.
Let me ask you this.
Ask away.
My whole life has been fulfilled just now.
nothing could go wrong.
Have you ever read a book
called
Weaponizing Empathy?
And
scene.