hi hi the audience needs to know that jenna is wearing a denim jacket and she looks so good in it
i don't think the audience needs to know that does not need to know that in fact she dressed
up for them. And she's back
to her signature nail color. You guys,
tonight's going to be a great show.
So, what's up?
Nothing.
That can't possibly be true.
Oh, do I have something to say? No.
I went to a burlesque show.
Ooh, when?
Friday. Nice.
Yeah, I went with a friend of ours.
Can't wait to find out.
off pod. No, I'll tell you now because she was a guest.
Chrissy. Everyone knows who she is. Oh, Chrissy.
Everyone knows and loves Chrissy.
I don't know. That's not confidential, is it?
She wouldn't want people not to know that she went.
She said it
in the green room the other day.
Someone was like, oh, Chrissy, what did you do this weekend?
She said, oh, Francie and I went to a
burlesque show. In the green room?
Yeah. Oh, yes. The Times Square of the
theater. Yes.
I see what you mean, though.
I don't remember who it was,
but it wasn't someone that she...
She wasn't hiding that information.
Yeah, it was someone that she doesn't know especially well.
It was someone she doesn't like.
Yeah.
Okay.
Anyway, yeah, we went.
There was money.
We threw out money.
Nice.
But every time I threw out money, it curled up and flew back in my face.
Whoops.
Oh, no.
I told her we should have tied money to strings.
Yeah, I know.
Because they don't collect it until the end.
So I was like, I could have got through that whole show for like one buck.
that's um such a funny visual to me always the money on a string thing is just a funny gag
constantly your quarters hitting the ground yeah um or like when people i don't i don't like it
when people glue change to the ground that's such a dick move i know because if i legitimately
thought even if it's not coming from a place of need if i thought i dropped a quarter and now i'm
trying to it's a glued and i feel stupid yeah i know yeah and they're always you know they're
well they're probably not watching they probably watched for a while they probably did for a bit
but that begins glue so that's there forever now like god you just made me so mad at them
god i hate i i effing hate them can i just tell you something right now yeah yeah
i think people that do that are possibly the worst people that have ever lived of all time
no qualifiers.
I think they're demons from hell.
They probably are
actual demons.
God. Everyone knows that's where glue
comes from. Hell?
Yeah. Except for Elmer's.
Elmer's is pure. That's the good
glue. Do you like the smell? I mean
audience, I don't do this, but do you like the smell of
what's the
what's the glue?
When you were in school and it came in like a silver container
and you unscrewed it? Wet cement?
No.
What?
Glue?
What was it called?
What cement sounds right?
Paper cement?
Paper cement.
Was it?
Wait, wait.
Are you thinking of the white stuff?
No.
It was clear.
Oh, no.
Yeah, you're talking about the glue.
Yeah.
What's the white stuff?
The paper?
Mochet?
Liquid paper.
Oh, liquid.
No, I don't know what that is.
Yeah, you do.
It's white out.
White out.
Oh, that's liquid paper?
Yeah, yeah.
I like white.
White out has a nice smell, but paper cement.
That was like WD-40 for kids.
The answer is yes.
It doesn't matter what you're talking about.
The answer is yes.
What is it about an industrial fume?
Oh, yes.
And when you unscrew the top, it has a brush built onto it.
Yes, it got the, oh, so satisfying.
Very satisfying.
Yeah.
Scents are the best.
New shoes, gasoline, turpentine.
You know what the best one is?
Formaldehyde.
Because.
Have I smelled formaldehyde?
Oh, you have it in your department store?
Yeah.
You know that smell of like Macy's?
Yeah, that's like, I thought that was just like fresh clothes smell.
No, it's clothes that has industrial chemicals on them, including formaldehyde.
Don't sue me if that's not true, but that's what I read.
Because I tried finding like a laundry detergent that would make my clothes smell like the mall.
And the internet was like, that's formaldehyde and chemicals.
You're like, great.
That's not what I asked.
Again, where do I buy it?
You didn't answer my question, internet.
Yeah.
Sell it to me.
Yeah, so I love to, that's why I never wash, you might think I'm gross for this.
When I buy something from Macy's or Dillard's or whatever, I wear it before I wash it.
Oh, me too.
Yeah.
Oh, big time.
Especially because it's never quite the same after you.
No, it never will be.
Wash it.
You know what we did the episode, Signs of We're Rich?
Yeah.
Guess what?
My assistant's bringing me new clothes every day from the department store.
Every day, yeah.
Yeah, one-time use clothes.
Yeah.
Well, welcome to Very Fine Friends.
Podcasts where friends talk about stuff, including formaldehyde.
Yeah.
Get it.
So do funeral homes smell like that?
Isn't formaldehyde?
Maybe, but maybe the human body takes away from that.
Maybe it's a competing scent.
It's our own gross smells.
Yeah, because they're decomposing and the formaldehyde says, wait, I'll help.
It's like, formaldehyde, just, we got this, okay?
Just let them decompose.
Go to the store where you belong.
Yeah.
Back to Macy's.
apparently it's super bad but i like it all like when you like getting like a new home or like a
new car and like you're smelling a new car smell you're like breathing in like vocs and toxic fumes
new car smell oof top tier smell oh yeah for sure the more toxic the more i like it oh god that's
how they get you yeah that's the trick if you don't like it then you're like well i guess i
could eat this because it can't be toxic because i don't like it you're probably right yeah
that's the new way to tell if something is edible you smell it and if you don't enjoy the smell
yeah like you know you wouldn't eat like i had wd-40 at home right and i was like cleaning the
door yeah i smelled it loved it you know you can't eat that your brain just knows you're like this is
this is not edible yeah but your brain's also like but that's okay because you have other senses
this one's for you yeah yeah yeah um have you ever smelled anything so much that you get
high from it because that's like a thing right huffing paints and oh it's definitely a thing
i'm not into that except i will say okay just disclaimer audience if just skip ahead 15 seconds
if you don't like grow stuff sometimes you clean the toilet bowl and you put like chemicals in it
yeah and then you forget it's there and you pee ammonia or bleach or whatever like it like mixes
with the chemical and then just like toxic fume.
I've definitely noticed that before.
Wait, isn't that like deadly?
How are you alive then?
Well, cause like it's just such trace amounts.
Yeah, I didn't pick it up and I was like, oh yeah.
Yeah.
I was like, oh, you didn't go head first into the bowl before flushing.
Thunk into the bathtub.
Yeah.
New invention.
Goodbye, cruel world.
New invention.
Suicide by piss.
Suicide.
Yeah.
Quick interruption. Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives
Francis and I each our own secret word. Throughout the course of the podcast,
we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person
noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
and right before we die we add up all the points and then we get a prize whoever has the most points
for guessing the most secret words here's joe with today's secret words jenna's secret word is
cattle jenna's decoy word is deceptions francis's secret word is hostage francis's decoy word is
pyramids. Back to the pod.
Well, I think this is a perfect segue, actually,
to our next segment.
Our first segment.
The Invention of the Week.
Inventions.
Yeah!
That's right, Jenna. New invention is a great
segue into Invention of the Week.
Good job. Rhyme it up, you guys.
You guys are just getting a sneak peek
and how my twisted brain works.
Snook pook.
You want me to talk?
I would love that.
All right.
Put your seatbelt on.
I'm about to change society
and the way we function.
What?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, but everything has been perfect so far.
That's what you thought.
That's what they led you to believe.
That's what big world said.
Not us.
You know how there's an insurmountable amount of waste
going on every day?
I do know that.
Do you know a lot of it has to do with eating out and like to-go containers and stuff?
I do know that.
You're going to love this.
Great.
Imagine.
Imagine everything.
Here's my...
Okay, I thought of all of it.
Go on.
You're great.
Gosh, I love you.
Okay.
Here it is.
I have envisioned a world that I think is achievable.
We're inventing a new world?
Yeah.
listen to this
no you're gonna love this
love it
you know
how do I say this
okay so
I've invented
eating containers
you know like when you go to
you know you get a Pan Express
love you by the way
love what you're doing
and they give you the
it's the container
styrofoam container
it's got the three compartments
yeah
what if they switch from styrofoam
to
like metal
like a metal container
Here we go.
Okay.
You go out and you buy one.
You, Jenna.
You buy one.
Okay.
You go to Panda Express.
We're really pimping them on this episode, but you go to Panda Express.
Hey, we need sponsors, Panda Express.
Hey, do you love your orange chicken?
Yes, go back to the other episode.
Repisode.
I meant recipe.
Repisode.
Anyway, you go to them and what you do is you hand them your container.
okay okay and they take it and they put it in their back of their store and to be cleaned right
you'll never see that one again but because you came with one they give you one so they take a
clean one of theirs and they scoop them it's like a universal product okay they put the food in it
and they give it to you um and you eat it there and you can return it and they'll give you one to
take back or you can take it home and like clean it and then bring it to the next place but everyone
buys these and brings them where they're going to eat.
And then it's like a swap system. So there's no more styrofoam
plastic containers. And if you don't like that, you don't have to bring it
necessarily. You could get a keychain or it could be an app on your phone that's a barcode that
they scan and that knows that you bought one.
And then it says that Jenna can get a new one.
Okay. And then you take it home.
and you eat it and you rinse it
and you bring it to the next place
and they're going to clean it.
They just throw it in the back
and they sanitize it
and then it goes into their rotation.
Do you see what I'm going for?
I do.
What do you think?
It sounds like you want people
to just bring plates with them everywhere.
Well, you know how you have garbage bags
in my trunk.
And so when I go to like the store,
I pull out my reusable bag.
It could be like that.
Oh, we're going in.
Oh, I have two people with me.
two metal balls.
But okay.
So for Panda Express,
for example,
they're in malls for the only example.
Yeah.
For the only example they're in malls a lot.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Um,
are you gonna be walking around with a,
like a,
a metal to go container while you're shopping?
Then,
uh,
that's 10 more cents.
You don't have to pay for a plastic bag.
For your shopping goods.
Wait.
When you're done eating, it can be used as a shopping bag is what I'm saying.
Oh, okay.
Here's a different idea.
What about you don't carry it around.
When you go to Panda Express, you buy the food and they put a surcharge on, like a deposit, like those glass bottles.
And when you bring it back somewhere, anywhere that participates in the program, you get your money back.
this sounds like a great way for any businesses that start participating to go out of business
because then people will just not go there anymore
i mean i would go most people would not go there what do you mean they could still have some of
their shitty old products but okay part of here's the thing part of the great thing about a to-go
container is that you can throw it away.
Yes.
In fact, I would say that's the main part of it.
Okay.
Equal parts being able to take your food away and then throwing it away.
Think about how many of those containers get thrown away on people's lunch
hours.
No one wants to be driving around with, um, as much as we love orange chicken,
no one wants to be driving around for like five hours on their,
in their work truck with a to-go container
that reeks of orange chicken.
In terms of net environmental impact,
if you spend five hours driving around looking for a place to recycle this,
then all the gas and emissions.
No, there's also the new gas is metal.
You know how there's post office boxes and donation bins?
This is a huge network. They're everywhere.
it's gonna be like well i have a letter to drop off and right next to it plate return
so we need to build a massive network of these plate return thing you know i bet you people
complained when when they were like we should build a freeway that goes everywhere and people
were like what that's ridiculous same people would be complaining now but boy we sure love driving on
Okay, well, the difference is if the freeway was like, no, we're going to create this huge thing.
And it's like, no, no, I already have a way to get from here to there.
I don't.
And also the freeway wasn't built to solve an environmental problem.
It was built to solve a transportation problem.
Again, I would point to you the amount of gas and emissions that would be involved in that process.
Here's my worry with this.
People are just going to start throwing away the metal.
Well, then they're losing out on their deposit.
But again if they have to do a deposit People will go through the trash looking for them They do it for cans So you just saying there going to be a network of people that go through looking for these
And what kind of a deposit are we talking about here?
$2.99.
That's too much, Francis.
You just added a $3 surcharge to Panda Express.
But you're going to get it back.
You can eat there, go right back up and scan it.
And then, boom, it goes onto your card, your $3.
Yeah, you're basically putting a security deposit on every fast food meal you have.
And then also, why wouldn't people just be like, I'm bringing my own bowl.
Just portion everything into my own little home bowl.
Well, their home bowl has to be network compliant.
Because they can't just put your food in your bowl that you brought from home.
They have to give you a clean one that they've sanitized.
But this is an impractical solution.
You're creating, there's going to be so many of these that get on, you're going to have to produce so many of them to make sure that the demand is met if there is a demand.
And inevitably that's going to lead to a surplus that is going to lead to more environmental waste.
Look, Francis, forget about your pride and step off your high horse, okay?
You're not being very humble.
right on, go back.
That was all I wanted to say.
Okay, let's just do a little role play.
I work at this amazing place called Panda Express.
Okay.
You come up and be the customer.
I'll be the bull.
You're going to be the bull?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hi, welcome to Panda Express.
Hi, I'll do the two...
Oh, the two entree special?
Two entree special.
Let me ask you real quick.
Did you want to go with a standard styrofoam throwaway bowl,
or do you participate in our Earth Savers program?
Styrofoam's good.
Okay, here you go.
Oh, look, another customer.
Hello, welcome to Panda Express.
What can I get for you?
I'll take the two-entree plate.
Two-entree plate.
Oh, that's great.
Would you like a traditional styrofoam nasty throwaway?
Or do you by any chance participate in our super clean, amazing Earth Saver program?
Oh, I'm nasty for sure.
Oh, you're nasty.
Give me one of them styrofoam nasty ones.
Okay, I think I have one more customer.
Hi.
Can I get you anything out of a steel plate?
A steel plate?
Yes.
That's what the doctors put in my head.
Oh, then you guys will be a mess made in heaven.
Our nasty, filthy, poopy styrofoam is next to the dumpster.
But luckily for you, our beautiful, long-life-left-to-live Earthsaver program is available.
Do I have to sign up for something to be part of this program?
A little bit, but it's quick.
oh i don't know about that panda is closed as you can see our testing revealed that a third
of the market was curious about the earth saver program a third of the market was also nasty
the first third seemed normal though yeah okay well we should start we could start this out in
Portland.
Yeah. And see how it goes. And then watch how
quickly it deteriorates. That's
fine. Portland's a
proving ground for these things.
I know that this all seems like
it's hard to imagine,
but people felt the same
with the pyramids. No, no. It's easy to
imagine, and it's also easy to see
how it's failing.
The
whole thing with
reusable
bags or whatever, there's now
like so many reusable bags on the planet,
there's too many.
I love mine. I don't even use
them most of the time. I keep
one in the car and then I have like 10 at home and I'm like,
I love this one.
This is a great one.
I got a great one from Sprouts, which I love.
It's got like a hard bottom.
It's fantastic.
We got it in
La Jolla and it was very nice.
I don't know if it's just because
it was from La Jolla, but it is a very nice bag.
Go Dolphins.
but, uh, I don't ever use it cause I forget about it. But this one's more, but like,
I also have a different Sprouts bag that, um, I never use cause I never remember to bring it.
And then it's like, I go to the store and then I'm like, if I'm in the store,
even if it's in the back of my car, I'm like, I'm not going back now.
I have one last argument. I mean, I think you can't underestimate
how lazy people are.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Thank you.
People are lazy.
Yep.
But, and have you considered,
come on!
That's a good point.
Was that your other argument?
It was.
Okay.
And continues to be.
You know what?
That's a pretty good argument.
Isn't it weird,
now that I'm thinking about it,
even when you eat in,
they give you a styrofoam throwaway container.
They have no way to like
like they don't clean plates or bowls there.
I haven't had
Panda Express.
Like I used to get it at the mall.
I'm trying to remember.
Did they always give it to you in like a styrofoam thing?
Well, especially at the mall
because they don't want to clean anything.
Well, yeah.
It's the mall.
I mean, I haven't had it at a mall in
20 plus years.
I don't think.
I know where we're going.
it does sound pretty good it's the best it sounds real good oh speaking of chemical he smells that
orange chicken smell it's like a good i can smell that it's like a good yeah i'd probably wake me up
out of a coma yeah it should also be embarrassing as hell no it wouldn't everyone he knows said
that they came to his ear and said i love you the minute orange chicken showed up he sprung up and
ate it his eyes were still closed well smell is like and he should he couldn't stop himself from
shouting i can't fake it anymore where's my metal bowl
also like what about to-go boxes that have don't utilize those three separate the main
compartment and two sides thing well there's other versions i know but what if i have my panda express
one that has that and then i want to go somewhere and get a sandwich that doesn't need the three
It needs the full one single flat.
You pay the deposit for a single flap sandwich box,
and then you return it later.
So I've just got so many different kinds loose.
New insult just dropped.
Shut up, you single flap sandwich box.
Totally.
Well, some people will like it and some people won't.
It's just like Crocs.
Yeah.
crocs um as someone who hates crocs i agree with this assessment but we have friends that love crocs
um you know the story behind crocs i don't or i guess it's not in terms of their creation but
the movie idiocracy um their way they wear crocs in that movie um yeah they do and uh so the reason
for that is the costume designer didn't have a huge budget. And so they wanted to find a shoe
that looked stupid, but was like cheap enough to buy for like everyone in the cast. And Crocs were
like, here we go. We'll give these to you real cheap. And then, so they were like, great, look
at this stupid shoe that we got. And Mike Judge was like, great, that's the perfect stupid shoe.
And then after the movie came out, like they became wildly popular, I think like during post
production like somehow they took off and so it looks like this suddenly this popular like it just
happened to coincide their popularity oh wow increasing so it was like a coincidence what a
great like boon for them like i guess they didn't need it really like it wasn't because of the movie
that they became popular it was despite the movie well who's it because of nurses i don't know i
mean i suppose they are they're supposed to be comfortable i've never worn them but let me tell
something after walking 30 miles at disneyland there's no shoe that's comfortable what were you
wearing i started with these really nice like shoes and then they got wet on one ride and so
i couldn't walk around on them anymore yeah that's the worst and we i had to buy like disney crocs
because all they had oh yeah i did that's all i had the rest was for like kids and as much as i
tried it couldn't get them on anyway um yeah so i wore i walked around a disney crocs and but i
was already in pain so yeah they didn't undo the pain sorry crocs come up with a shoe that can do
that it sounds like your job okay next week okay a shoe that takes away pain it's heavy and can be
used to hit someone in the head did you just throw your other shoes away no i kept them in a bag oh
They were really expensive.
I was going to say, that sounds crazy.
I'm not crazy.
I'm out here saving the world.
Are you going to throw shoes away?
Well, no, I didn't think you would.
That's why I was like, what happened to those?
Next step, metal shoes.
You just turn them in and get new ones.
Well, what is the name for this invention?
State of plate.
State of plate?
Yeah, or plate state.
Plate state.
Metal meal.
metal meal
taste not waste
taste the waste
no no not taste the waste
taste
oh that's poopy yeah
I'm poopy
call back y'all
episode one do it do it like a
exciting alarm when this
plays at that part you know like
in the store when you win something like a klaxon sound
oh what is a klaxon
It's a game show bell.
Yeah, I knew that.
Is that your word?
We'll find out.
Okay.
Yeah, you like it?
You love it?
You hate it.
I like it.
I love it.
I want more of it.
Just imagine, you leave your house where you just drank from your loose tubes.
You got your metal plate clanking around in your purse.
You're driving there and you're never going to fall asleep because you got the wake up idiot.
or whatever.
Yeah.
The sleep,
sleeper beeper.
Yes.
This are,
you get a little hungry taco teats.
You open up your metal plate.
Yeah.
One of those can be water to rinse your plate.
Our ecosystem is,
it's taken over.
We're,
we're not just inventing things.
We're building a whole lifestyle.
You got an old relative.
Don't worry about them anymore.
They're on a trolley system in their home.
hang in there
so they don't fall
that's what we should have called it
hang in there
do the klaxon again
oh
oh you guys
and then
at night
you
could tuck yourself in
with your toes
that poke out of your sheets
knowing
I'm doing right
by the world
and on the weekend
when you're out with your friends
and they're talking quietly
fear not
your audible caller opens you got your how do you speak at night yeah i was scared to say because i
mess it up every time god i love all of our stuff we're uh i'd say we're prolific you're prolific
you think i would have thought of these if it wasn't for you uh yeah i do actually i know you
would okay all right well that uh wraps up the invention of the week
all right oh he scared me
you were scared by that yeah you did a little jump scare yeah all right
um well it's time for our next segment
anastasia
i can't wait to meet my new family and all their money
Heart don't fail me now
Great song
We gotta watch that
Together
Okay
Francis, you want to explain this segment?
Absolutely
During this segment
Anastasia
Or as sometimes pronounced Anastasia
Anastasia
Yeah
One of us has to convince the other
Actually we're a long lost family member
um that's it so jenna do you want to be convinced or do you want to convince
i would like to convince okay this should be real easy because i am
oh well let's not get ahead of ourselves okay okay uh all right let's begin
oh oh hi i'm sorry uh that's so weird you were just humming a song okay who i'm sorry
this is my garden why are you in it uh no no i'm sorry i was walking by um and there's a sign
it says don't come in i know i know um but i i was compelled uh because i well i don't know if
you could see this i have a i have my own sign that i carry around with me um that just says
i can't read oh yeah sorry it's okay um it says uh if if it says don't i'm gonna it's a funny
thing I like to say. I put it on a sign. If it says
don't, I'm gonna. Yeah.
So it said don't come in. So I'm gonna. I have to do it. Anyway, but then when I
got in here, I heard you humming something
and it's so funny. That's, I remember
hearing that same exact tune
being hummed right before
I was sent to the orphanage.
Oh, yeah, it's a really popular song,
so I'm not surprised.
Is it?
I don't think it is.
It was top 40 for a long time.
No, no, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
Yeah, I am.
Because I've only ever heard it one time,
and it was right before I got sent to an orphanage.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's really sad,
but I actually bought the platinum.
This song's been on popular radio.
I got it on eBay because the executive went broke
and he sold it.
Got it for a really good deal.
So I don't mean to call you a liar, but anyway, you're here.
You're holding a sign.
You said the sign was funny?
I got another sign.
Oh.
If you call me a liar I going to tell you the truth That one not as catchy That not bad It not as catchy as the Anyway are you selling something
I'm going to...
No, no, I'm not selling anything.
Because I was going to buy, because I usually only buy from people who look nothing like me.
And I feel like we have...
It's like yin and yang over here.
Wait, are you saying we don't look anything like us?
Yeah, so if you were selling something, I would buy it, because I only buy from people who look like they don't resemble me.
I have a feeling
Do you have
Do you have a birthmark?
A birthmark?
Yeah, do you have a birthmark?
Well, I don't know, I can't see my back
Never saw one on my front
I could have one on my back
I'm guessing that you do
Do you want to look?
I do, and at the same time
I want you to look at my back
And see what you see
At the same time?
I once paid a man to hold a mirror behind me.
So I know what my back looks like.
I've seen my back.
And I know what's there.
All right.
Here, let's come over to the mirror section of the garden.
You have a mirror section and you never tried looking at your own back?
It's for the plants.
They like to look at themselves.
Okay, hold on.
You do have very vain plants.
Well, I got them from...
No, no.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, plants.
I don't mean to imply that...
Thank you for apologizing directly to them, by the way.
No, no, I could tell they looked...
They were pissed.
Well, no, no, I'm sorry.
You have every reason to be vain, by the way.
Yeah, well, here's my back.
Carly Simon would write a song about you.
There it is.
Nothing?
No, no.
Something.
What is it?
Well, I can show you what it is.
No, just tell me.
No, look at my back.
All right, let me see.
Do you see?
See what's on my back?
Oh, yeah.
Patrick from SpongeBob.
The same thing is on your back.
Oh, well, yeah, I got it tattooed.
Silly.
So did I.
Okay.
Well, you should be leaving soon.
Wait, you also have a great sense of time?
Well, yeah.
I mean, I was born in a garden.
You gotta know time.
Wait.
What?
You were born in a garden?
Yeah, a big one with sunflowers that were taller than the house.
Oh, the house, yes.
What did you say?
Did you say what I just said?
Tall in a house.
Oh, yeah.
And they were yellow.
And they had a stem.
Some call it a stalk.
Well, this is crazy.
Well, I'm sure it means nothing.
I don't know.
I.
Who do you?
Who are you?
I'm sorry.
Let's back up.
What is this?
I just I feel this connection to you.
I feel drawn to you.
I'm in a relationship.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not like that.
It's going on two weeks now.
I'm not saying you're unattractive.
I'm just saying.
No, no.
I want to see where this goes.
No, I know.
I appreciate that.
No, the Fortnite anniversary is, that's sacrosanct.
I'm not going to try and.
Yeah.
I mean, then again, life is short.
Maybe.
Well, look.
No, I think I'm going to be honest with you.
I don't think that would be a good idea.
too much chemistry. I agree. I felt that the minute I saw you, I see a person holding signs,
drip, drip, drip. Yeah. Let's just say I don't have to water this section of the garden
anytime soon. Can I just tell you other human beings would have found that absolutely disgusting
what you just said, but I don't, I don't find it absolutely disgusting. And I think,
I think I know why.
Oh, okay.
Do you hear that?
Yeah.
I mean, no.
It's the seraphims are singing.
Are those plants?
No, they're angels.
Oh.
Oh, I was confused because I have a seraphim variety of zinnias.
Zinnias.
Oh.
Okay, listen.
I have a very strict schedule
so just get to it
you don't want a date, you're holding signs
you're not selling anything
look
I think
we might be
separated at birth
twins
twins separated at birth
why would you think that
because of all the signs
I'm talking about the metaphorical signs
not the literal ones that I'm holding
Ignore this one sign that I'm holding that says I'm an only child.
That one was just a joke.
I thought it was funny.
Okay.
Well, this would be easy to clear up.
How old are you?
Let's both say our age at the exact same time.
All righty-roo.
I'm going to start now.
42-1.
Okay, a lot of people are 42-1.
Well, okay, but...
What?
sign are you?
What sign am I?
God, you are obsessed with signs.
Well, I'm sorry.
I like them.
Don't get me started on cosines
and tangents.
Just kidding.
Pisces.
Oh, we didn't get to say it at the same time,
but I was going to say Pisces.
Oh, no, I was going to say Pisces is what I was going to be with my mom.
Yes, exactly.
My mom was a Pisces too.
She cared for a long time.
Longer than she was supposed to.
And so I stayed in.
So I was going to be crazy, but I was the next one.
It's actually, yep.
Which I don't know exactly what it is.
It's a Capricorn.
Capricorn.
Cancer.
Yep.
Capricorn.
So you're not the same sign.
No, no.
Because you said cancer.
No, no, no.
It's a Capricorn.
Oh, okay.
I bet you, if you look.
Okay.
I don't have time for this.
Here.
If you want to think you're my twin, then there's one thing we can do.
Okay.
We'll prick each other's fingers and we'll start to bleed.
Okay.
And we'll...
Drip, drip, drip.
Yep.
And then we'll drink each other's finger blood.
Okay.
Because it wouldn't...
We all know the taste of our own blood.
Yes.
Oh, of course.
I'm going to pull out a little...
See this?
Yeah.
I have a flask of my own blood.
Oh, and there's a sign on the flask.
Who could have guessed?
All right.
Bloody Marys.
Anyone?
Bloody Perry.
Oh, you predicted this.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Okay, I'm ready.
Okay, ready?
Ow.
Ooh.
Ow.
Okay, here's my finger.
Give me yours.
Hmm.
Wait, did I just suck on my own finger?
I thought that was weird.
No, no, I didn't, I don't think.
It just tastes so much like...
Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah.
Sorry, I had a head injury at birth.
So did I.
Did you?
Yes.
What was the name of your surgeon?
They told me years later.
Let's both say it at the same time.
I'm starting to think you're using this as a crutch.
Why can't you just say it on your own?
Doctor.
Say it.
Doctor, say it.
Okay, how could you?
Okay, that's interesting.
How did you know that?
I didn't have to know.
I'm not knowing things about you.
I'm knowing things about me.
Wow.
Almost no one knows of Dr. Rubio.
Yes.
Okay.
So this is crazy.
I feel a little weird for being attracted to you, but it's going away.
No, no.
It's normal.
Okay.
Good, because it's back.
Because we're twins.
We're twins.
And it's being attracted to yourself, really.
Right.
I mean, be honest.
Let's be honest.
Yeah, we're hot.
If we're, I mean, God.
Smoke show.
We won that lottery.
Oh, yeah.
And if we got together, I'm just saying, I'm not saying we will, I'm just saying if we did.
Mm-hmm.
And what you're saying is true, that's allowed.
Is it?
Twins.
We're the same person.
It's a legal loophole.
It's called egg theory.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh.
Is it?
Wow, that's crazy.
Yeah.
Wow.
See, I didn't know this.
It's a crazy country we live in.
Yeah.
Just no babies.
Yeah.
Who wants them?
not me.
We both don't want children.
Oh my God.
Crazy.
Oh,
I just wanted to see if we had the same laugh.
That was a really funny joke.
We do have the same laugh.
Do you want to come in?
Can I pull out another sign?
Yeah.
I was wondering what that was doing back there.
I could see it behind your head a little bit.
Someone asked me to come in.
I'm gonna.
Well, I guess it turns out we really are related, Francis.
How about that?
Crazy.
It changes nothing for me.
I want you to know if you needed an organ, I would give it to you.
I just don't think they would let me.
I want you to know that I would never ask.
If you ask, I wouldn't give it.
I actually, I want it to be a gift if you ever give me one.
Like, surprise.
Like, I don't need it, but it's like, but you're just offering on your own.
Yeah, that's what I'll do.
Any of them, you pick.
oh thank you
yeah okay
oh now I wanna
which one do I want
I'll think about it
my appendix has not
given me any problems
mine neither
okay
it'd be funny
we just swapped
does anyone ever do that
yeah I'm sure
okay
good
I'm glad
um
well
that has been
Anastasia
Oh, wow. I love my new family. I love how rich they are.
I think we successfully proved that.
Yeah. I mean, I've been lonely for a few years. I wanted to believe it.
And I don't know if you knew this. I had a lie detector going the whole time.
and no deceptions noticed.
It was all like a flat line.
So that was all true.
We're really related.
So anyway, it's time for our next segment,
The Big Question.
The question is very big.
Well, I hope you have a big question for me.
I do.
Good.
My big question is, someone's given you something, and you have to hide it.
And it is the size...
Of a herd of cattle.
I've heard of them.
No, not have you heard of them, of a herd of cattle.
Oh, no, this is my question.
Okay.
All right.
Sorry.
I was so excited.
I was jumping ahead.
Yeah.
We'll get to the cattle later.
Okay.
It's the size of, you know, those cute apples called rockets.
No, they're like miniature apples.
Oh, it's the size of that.
Well, okay.
What are those the size of?
Miniature apples.
Like, yeah.
How miniature are we talking?
Half sized.
Like a, like a peach pit.
Like, are they bigger?
They're.
Bigger than a cherry.
They're much bigger than a cherry.
Like a plum?
It's 0.6 of an apple.
Okay.
All right.
Anyway, you've got to hide it.
And it has to be a place that will never be found.
Where would you hide this?
Where would I hide something small?
That's the big question.
Well, I specifically said it was a rocket apple.
Where would I hide?
Oh, okay.
You don't like this question.
Well, it just seems like...
So are people looking for it?
Oh, yeah.
But when you're hiding it, no one's looking.
Okay, so there's an active search or it's just one of those things that...
Everyone knows about the apple.
And it never goes bad, by the way, so it's not going to rot in your hiding place.
Everyone knows about it and wants to find it.
You got to hide it from them.
Okay.
And.
Okay.
Well, the.
The major issue here is.
Do you.
Keep it on your person, which would be the first.
I mean, if it's everyone's looking for it.
You need to keep it safe.
You want to keep it close.
Everyone knows you had it at first.
Okay.
Well, if everyone knows that I had it and everyone knows that everyone's looking for it,
then I don't want it anywhere near me, actually.
Or do you?
Because now maybe it's so obvious that it's not obvious at all.
No, I think I can go more random with it.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I would hide it.
I would find, I would find a town that is not often visited,
but still has some buildings on a historical register.
Buildings I know will not be torn down or just like gotten rid of because they're on a historical register.
So let's say, um,
Kentucky, Wisconsin. Look it up. It's a real place.
I always believe you. Yeah. Yeah.
Kentucky, Wisconsin. Um, they have a, uh,
weirdly there, um,
Diner is in a building that used to be a jail from like 1840s time.
And it's actually kind of a cute themed diner.
And um they have like little section like like jail cells are like they decorated in different like like in fun winky ways Right Um and then they have in one of the cells they have um
um, a box, like a shadow box that has, uh, that has the, um,
original keys to the jail cell, like in the shadow box.
Okay. Hear me out. I definitely know where I'm going with this. Okay. Um, and
behind that shadow box, actually those keys don't work for anything in the building anymore,
but behind the shadow box is like a weak part of the construction of the wall, right?
There was the Shawshank Redemption, you know, Andy Dufresne and the Shawshank Redemption.
There was actually, that was based on a real prisoner in Kentucky, Wisconsin,
who dug out part of the wall.
So there's a weak part of the wall there.
but Kentucky didn't advertise it at all.
They didn't want this cause the guy got away. Um,
and so they tried to like patch it up at the time,
but they were very rudimentary with it. This was back at 1873. And,
um, uh,
are you filibustering?
I'm getting there. No, this is all,
real and not made up at all.
And so 1873, which that's, that was, was that also the year of the pun?
Have we established that?
That was the urinal of the urinal.
Urinal of the urinal.
Yeah.
Yep.
That's right.
um so anyway that just 1873 is a big year in america um so they didn't properly fill it in
not a lot of people know this it's kind of like one of those like sub like sub sub sub sub sub
stories about the lore of this town what do you mean the like well like it's not it's not known
that the behind the keys is the weeks they they use the shadow box to cover up the weak part in
the jail cell because they were embarrassed by their history that someone got out.
So they filled it in with like kind of like loose clay at the time.
There wasn't like the same kind of like.
I don't want to say it out loud because I don't want it to be your thing.
But that is such a funny like insult.
Anyway, they filled it in with the loose clay because they didn't have better materials.
They didn't really know what they were doing just then.
They didn't have the rebar and the cement that we have now.
So it's still loose to this day because it's a historical building.
You're not allowed to do modifications on it.
So what I would do, I would wait until the town of Kentucky, Wisconsin, goes to bed real early.
It's a sleepy town.
Everyone's in bed by 9.
9.46.
I go over to the diner.
I get rid of that loose clay, stick in a rocket apple,
reclay it up, which by the way is real easy,
which is why they use that loose clay to begin with.
Put the shadow box back.
Bingo, bango, bongo.
Good luck finding that rocket apple.
Wow.
That's where I'd hide it.
it would take a really long time you'd basically have to be of the mindset to destroy everything
to find that okay i mean i would never look there yeah thank you way to go even the people
of kentucket wouldn't look there they wouldn't think to their little sleepy town's never been
on the map why would this big search for an apple come to their little town
it wouldn't right of course statistically speaking you would think like
why not go to the big apple right new york that's where things go new york that's where
rockets are heading yeah so anyway it'd be a real long time before that was ever found
well i'm not gonna say that i feel like you held me hostage to that but i will say that
By the time you were done explaining, I had no idea that I would ever go look for it.
That's right.
It works on two levels.
Well, it's crazy that you didn't find that captivating because that was definitely a real plan that I had thought of and wasn't making up the entire way.
Is there a town called that?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm from Wisconsin.
Yeah.
What was that?
Can-tucket, I think.
Can-tucket.
Yes.
Fudgesicles.
And your can-tuckets were the best.
Let's get your can-tuckets back in Wisconsin.
Where would you hide it?
Me?
Yeah, you.
What I would do is...
I would take it with me because as I'm allowed to have it,
no one can look for it yet as we established.
I get to hide it in the Nilek.
So I'm going to fly to the Middle East.
Ooh.
And I'm going to go to Egypt.
Okay.
And the reason I'm going to Egypt is because of the, what do they call them?
the 10 or the seven natural wonders.
They have the pyramids and I'm going to actually break into,
you know that you can only go into some of those and not all of them.
Did you know that the natural wonders?
No.
Oh,
the pyramids.
I was surprised you could go into any of them.
You can go into any of them.
Oh yeah.
They open them up for like tours,
I think,
but not all of them.
Some of them are like exclusively private,
but I wonder what's in those,
I guess.
Probably empty.
Probably apples.
of naked mummies.
Yeah, maybe.
Unwrapped mummies.
Yeah.
I don't know why I did that.
That's nothing to do with mummies.
Anyway, here's what I'm thinking.
Anywhere in the world,
you could find someone to take a bribe.
Right?
Yeah.
So just because you're not allowed in there
doesn't mean you can't get in there.
Right.
So I would go to a local.
And if I had to,
I'd make their life hard
before I introduced myself.
You know?
just like casually like breaking their car or something like you know i mean so you're like
they're out all this money and then i'd be like i've got money give their grandmother cancer
that needs a lot of money to cure yeah but i have the money to cure it yeah yeah but i'll bring that
up later yeah or maybe i'll forget who knows i'm not a very nice guy whoops yeah but anyway i'll be
like hey there's something i need there's something you need i hate to ask this but
my cousin Muriel
wanted to go to this locked
area of the pyramids
and I want to.
I gotta go in there. She died.
And I'll
it'll be a real sob story. And eventually
I'll be like, I have money.
Please.
Muriel.
And they'll let me do it. Like for the money.
Like just so I can make it clear, I will make
the bribe happen.
Okay.
Or if he doesn't work on him, I'll find someone else.
I like the idea of making somebody's life worse so that they are more susceptible to a bribe.
Just in general, I'm filing that away for later.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
It's good, right?
Yeah.
So anyway, he'll let me in.
I'll be like, I'm just going to go in and do a prayer and drop some Muriel's ashes.
And he won't think that's disrespectful.
And he will allow it.
And I'll go in and I'll start scattering some sand I found in Egypt, his ashes.
While screaming Muriel.
and then when
while I'm out of view
when I go around the corner
I will hide it
as a jewel
and I'll even bring
another one
so they look like eyes
and I'll pop them into
a non-offensive
after the fact mummy
so it's not a real one
that people are going to be
mad at me for saying this
you know
it's like they decorate it
so I'll put the
rockets in
and then I'll
come out crying
and I'll say thank you
and then I'll go home
and I'll laugh
and laugh
they won't notice
that there's suddenly something new?
No one goes in there.
Someone goes in there.
Uh...
I mean...
No.
Do you think private areas,
areas that are private from the public,
just are, no one gets to see them?
No one ever goes inside of them?
I bet you somebody lives in there.
No, no.
I'll put them under the shoulders of a mummy.
Okay.
No one checks under the shoulders.
Because that would be weird.
That's true.
So we both made our decisions.
Okay.
And I didn't have to learn how to clay anything.
Hey, they...
Kentucky didn't know how to clay anything either.
As you can see by the loose wall firmament.
Yeah, Joe and I, your hostages can see.
All right, well, we've answered the big question.
The big question.
Only one final bit of business, Francis.
Before we move on, I just want to say I had so much fun.
Thank you.
I enjoyed this as well.
Is that?
That's it, baby.
That's it?
Okay.
Yep.
Interruption.
Stop.
Shall I go first?
Sure.
this is a real doozy urinal no that was a legit callback
diner no
sub no i was gonna ask you about that sub sub sub lore what captivating no wisconsin no
compelled no deceptions decoy word no yep no this happened last week too
shadow box nope jail nope okay i'm out fudge oh god i'm so happy that worked i deliberately made
that awkward no no no my just deceptions was my decoy word my actual word was cattle
and you said it twice son of a bitch wait he said it twice twice i only heard it once oh
they i'm so mad because it came out of nowhere francis
you dipshit fool is your word dipshit i'm just kidding uh damn it no that's three that's four
what is it i don't even know that's three points for me because you guess my decoy
and then if you said my word twice that's
shit oh god i had to stop myself from smiling ear to ear when i heard you say cattle oh
okay all right well i'm gonna fail here because i only have a few guesses for you
and if i'm right on any of them that i'm screwed because i said these words a lot too i think
here's hoping uh well first real quick it's not repisode
no okay all right it's not deposit is it no okay because i said that a whole bunch oh man i wish
it was no man i got screwed rocket no that's an actual type of apple yeah it's a brand i think
never heard of it it's in sprouts they're little and my only other guess hostage that's my word
that's your word yeah
dang
I even tried to
Jo you saw what I was doing didn't you
yeah cause I saw you write it down
so I was like she's got it so I tried to repeat it
as a plural hoping that
that's the one you would say
oh
that's the only reason you included me
do you have no other guesses that you want to say right now
the decoy variety
Wait a minute, though. Wait, Jo.
Don't I get some points for what happened through this episode?
Wait. She said my decoy
word, like, several times.
Oh, crap. Wait, you did?
Well, I don't know what your decoy word was.
No, you only get points if she guesses your decoy word.
It doesn't matter if she says your decoy word.
Have we established that? We have now.
What? What was your
decoy word? Pyramids.
Oh, very
good. Wow.
So you saved both your words
for
the last segment.
I guess I saved them for the
right in between.
You said pyramids in Invention of the Week, too.
Yeah, I did.
You said pyramids a lot.
I'm just now realizing.
I think we should revisit this system.
No, the whole point of the decoy
is that it's just like a fun little extra.
And it's a way to
try and throw somebody off.
Wow, what a fantastic
day for me. It was pretty good for you.
Gotta say, pretty good. Wow, wow,
wow. Well,
listeners, go to veryfinefriends.com
if you want to check out our point
totals. I had such a great
day today. You might be beating me now. This might
have closed the gap, at least. Well, you were
pretty firmly beating me. Thanks.
I think we need to... It's not the record show.
I firmly beat Jenna.
And let the record show
Jenna enjoys it.
Well, this has been a great week. Yeah.
For you.
You.
I'm going to be dining out on this victory for a long time.
I'm going to be hungry.
Oh.
Well, that wraps up our episode.
Bye.
See you.
Bye.