uh welcome to friends like us bonus improv
francis was doing weird waving uh joe can we get a suggestion for our scene i don't know are
Are you going to be a dick about it?
We'll see.
Your word, your suggestion is defects.
Defects.
When I used to work at Old Navy, clothes that, this is probably still their policy, but anything that they considered defective would be 30% off.
It was like final sale, but it'd be 30% off.
people used to come and
they'd be like I'm pretty sure this isn't
supposed to be here like can I get
a 30% off like no
it's a regular stitch
but yeah people used to try and game that
that old navy system
big time which is so funny to me
it's like this is a
$7 t-shirt
you need to get it for four
yeah
that gives people a rush
the getting away
with something well yeah
Like $4.
I could stain this.
Some people live for the bargain.
Yeah.
There was another time.
This was when I was a manager.
So I had to deal with the trouble.
The people that were trouble.
And there was a guy that was trying to return a pair of jeans for a one-year-old.
So they were like 12-month-old jeans.
He had his child with him.
The child was clearly pushing too.
And he was like, no, no, I need to return these.
I need to return these.
We don't need them.
And we would take stuff back that was like,
like if someone was trying to return,
we would take it back no matter what.
But this was so old and he didn't have a receipt and there were no tags that
like when you put in the style number,
it just like would defaulted to $1.97.
That was like their base return price for everything.
And it also would tell you like on the tag,
what season the clothes were from.
So he,
he was like,
I just bought these.
It should be like, the other jeans right there are like $25.
Like this should be like $25.
I was like, well, like you can see on the date right here.
It's like it says like, you know, 04.
It says you're lying.
Yeah, it says you're lying.
Also, it smells like laundry detergent.
I know you've used this and washed it.
And he was like, this is great.
He's like, so you're just going to take those and you're going to sell them again for $25.
And I was like, I can't sell them.
They've been washed.
No, no, no.
these you're getting a free $1.97
sir just take it
customers can be very angry
yeah I worked
in retail at Urban
Outfitters
that was a tough gig
yeah
one time a girl
because we were on
we were in the gas lamp district in San Diego
so there was like nightclubs
and like we'd stay open until 1am
Urban Outfitters was open until 1am
yeah so drunk
people would come in on like friday and saturday nights and one girl like barfed in the middle of
the in the middle of the floor and uh my manager went and got her got the mop and was like
you're cleaning this up yeah it is not my job to clean this up yes made her like mop it up and i
was just like wow to have that kind of confidence to make a drunk girl clean up her own bar A true leader A true leader Yeah I was like I would never have had the guts to do that
And I was just so impressed.
You'd follow that man anywhere.
I wonder what he's doing now.
I wonder.
He probably still works at Urban Outfitters.
That was very much his scene.
He is Urban Outfitter now.
He is.
He's the one.
He's the outfitter.
but we never dealt with defects or at least i never did as a as a shirt folder
is that your professional job title it was on our business folder nice gasif
no creator and shirt folder yeah yeah it was just
and now improv
Darling.
Yes, my sweets.
I know you want a big, giant, wonderful wedding.
Mm-hmm.
Just so expensive, and I came up with an idea.
Oh, I can't wait to hear it, my love.
Well, we go to each party of our wedding, and we...
Oh, I know you're not going to like this.
But we lie to them about something that happened, and we get a discount.
We go to each of our vendors?
Yes.
Yes, here's the first one I thought of.
I was admiring a rose, and it cut me from the thorn.
And as a result, I'm blood.
You're hemophiliac.
Yes, that's it.
You'll bleed out right here.
Yes, yes.
Now, we don't want money.
We just want services.
Yes.
Yes, we just want discounts.
That's all.
Deep, deep discounts.
Almost free.
We're free.
Almost free.
Yes.
We're not monsters.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
We'll pay a shilling or two.
Not poppers.
No, we have money.
We just don't want to offend them.
Not very much.
Yes.
Yeah, so you're on board.
I'm on board.
Let's visit the vendors immediately.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Get to the vendors.
What do you do here?
Hey, you came to me, buddy.
It's our linen vendor.
Linen.
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh.
Do you see that sign?
Oh.
Linens.
And no more things.
Just linens.
Original.
It's such a long sign.
And I do love it.
Thank you so much.
The neon costs a lot, but I think it was worth it.
Yes.
I'll.
This is going to be hard to hear.
Your linen suffocated my parakeet.
Oh, no.
I know.
Wait, what?
It's dead.
Percival.
He was coming to the wedding.
Oh, this is so hard.
What are you going to do?
Percival was like a member of our family.
Don't get upset.
I know you get upset.
I am upset.
The Orlinens murdered a member of our family.
Oh, well.
And we already threw the body away.
Oh, I need proof of dead parrot before I, it's company policy.
Look, we had a lot of dead parrots.
Our Linens, we actually, you signed a waiver saying that you acknowledge that if anything happens to a parrot or other bird pet in your house, that we are not liable.
Did you
I didn't read it
You know I never read the fine print
We get so many people that way
That's why we put it in there
Ironclad
Thank you for your candor
But your linens
Also gave me a rash on my
Napkin hand
That's right
Now I can't even look at it
It's disgusting
And it my ring hand my ring hand and my napkin hand and my same hand You actually originally I got your order right here
You ordered the rashy napkins.
I thought it said rosy napkins.
No, no, common mistake.
It's rashy napkins.
They are a little bit cheaper, but that's just why some people choose them.
Um, but yeah, no, it's right there in your handwriting.
You used your ring finger hand to write, yes, I'd like rashy napkins.
I'm really sorry, my hands are tied.
Lenny the linen man has got us coming and going.
I can't believe this, it was foolproof.
He's an ironclad contract.
Oh, yeah, was there anything else we could...
You try something else, honey.
Oh, that's right, Lenny.
I just remembered, this is horrifying.
I was wearing one of your linens like a ghost
and was
photographed
and put in the news as a racist.
Oh no!
Yes!
And my reputation's ruined.
Yeah, where's the clause about that?
Yeah!
Oh, oh.
Oh no.
Shoot.
I told my boss we needed a ghost clause.
We got him!
We don't want free.
just deeply discounted linens
oh thank you so much
yeah no I'll take care of that
I'll take care of that for you right away
wow you're great
I'm so sorry about that
I know it won't fix your reputation
because I actually saw that
I saw that news story
I almost didn't let you into
linens and no other things
but you did
we can't do business with this guy
because I'm a racist apologist
Take your linens and shove it
Oh, but we're getting the discount
No, I have principles
Principles cost money
I'm torn
No, that's fine, it's fine, I understand
I should be ostracized
Unless you paid us
Oh, and then I'll pay you
And then you will continue to do
where you will work at my store
or you will come to my store
patronize linens and no other things.
You strike a hard bargain, bud.
All right.
Deal.
All right.
Cut to a different vendor.
The cake maker.
Ah, this one's going to be tricky, babe.
Yes, but I believe in you.
Okay.
Yes, you start and I'll be in the back.
Okay.
Ding, ding, ding, ding on the door.
Hello, I make cakes.
thank you for greeting us
so
distinctly
oh well just I want everyone to know
that's the first thing I want them to know about me
is that I make cakes
well as you know
we were in here for a sample
of some of your cakes
oh yes the lovely
couple
she remembers us
we're being married
too sweet
but I have to say
When I ate your cake, it was so delicious that now I can't eat any other food.
Oh, good.
No, this is not good.
No, it's bad.
No, that means it's working.
No, her doctor called.
She has cacaritis.
I do.
It went right to my cankles.
This is we call this in the business it slang we call it diet cake And I don mean that it has fewer calories I mean it is so good and has so many calories that you never going to want to eat anything
else, thereby letting you lose weight. You look fantastic, by the way.
Thank you. And I have been losing weight, but...
Don't let her swindle you. Be strong.
Okay. You try something.
I was about to enjoy your cake
when all of the frosting fell all over me
and I was photographed
and now my reputation has suffered
Good job, darling. It worked last time
Oh, I remember seeing you covered in frosting in the paper
and that made you look whimsical and fun
and I wanted to be friends with you
And in fact, all of my sewing group
They saw it as well
And they also wanted to be friends with you
I don't think that was reputational
Damaging
Well, right after that
My
Parakeet fell in your cake
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry
Pierre!
Our other parakeets
Yes, they were like brothers
Now we have none
Oh.
We're a parakeet-less household.
I'm so sorry.
We don't want free.
No, no, no, no.
We just want a discount.
Of course.
I'll give you a discount.
Oh, I feel so terrible that a parakeet flew into my cake.
I bake cakes.
We cut to the final vendor, the pastor who is officiating the wedding.
All right.
This is going to be the toughest one yet.
It's weird that we're asking for a discount in the middle of the ceremony.
It is, but now he can't say no from all these people.
It's the gift we want.
Yes.
Okay.
I marry people.
And today I have come here to marry the two of you.
Tell me, have you written your own vows?
Yes.
Lovely.
I, Petunia
take you
Morris
concerning you don't know his name
but I'll let it slide
I do
I've forgotten his Christian name
only
if
we can get the services
of this preacher
for 15% off
Oh, that seems fair.
He's holding our wedding hostage and our happiness out of God's eyes.
If he doesn't agree to a 15% discount on his...
I object. It should be 20.
Very well.
Who are we to argue with our guests?
The crowd has spoken.
And I, Morris, agree with Petunia.
Get him, babe.
That was a custom vow just for you.
So, Father Roberto, what do you say?
20% off?
I now pronounce you not married.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
There's no discounts for God.
This man killed my parents.
And scene.
You're welcome.