1
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uh welcome to friends like us bonus improv

2
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francis was doing weird waving uh joe can we get a suggestion for our scene i don't know are

3
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:29,280
Are you going to be a dick about it?

4
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:30,640
We'll see.

5
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,060
Your word, your suggestion is defects.

6
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:39,440
Defects.

7
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When I used to work at Old Navy, clothes that, this is probably still their policy, but anything that they considered defective would be 30% off.

8
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,960
It was like final sale, but it'd be 30% off.

9
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people used to come and

10
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they'd be like I'm pretty sure this isn't

11
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supposed to be here like can I get

12
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a 30% off like no

13
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it's a regular stitch

14
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but yeah people used to try and game that

15
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that old navy system

16
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big time which is so funny to me

17
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it's like this is a

18
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$7 t-shirt

19
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you need to get it for four

20
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yeah

21
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that gives people a rush

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the getting away

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with something well yeah

24
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Like $4.

25
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I could stain this.

26
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Some people live for the bargain.

27
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Yeah.

28
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There was another time.

29
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This was when I was a manager.

30
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So I had to deal with the trouble.

31
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The people that were trouble.

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And there was a guy that was trying to return a pair of jeans for a one-year-old.

33
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So they were like 12-month-old jeans.

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He had his child with him.

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The child was clearly pushing too.

36
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And he was like, no, no, I need to return these.

37
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I need to return these.

38
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We don't need them.

39
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And we would take stuff back that was like,

40
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like if someone was trying to return,

41
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we would take it back no matter what.

42
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But this was so old and he didn't have a receipt and there were no tags that

43
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like when you put in the style number,

44
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it just like would defaulted to $1.97.

45
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That was like their base return price for everything.

46
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And it also would tell you like on the tag,

47
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what season the clothes were from.

48
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So he,

49
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he was like,

50
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I just bought these.

51
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It should be like, the other jeans right there are like $25.

52
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Like this should be like $25.

53
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I was like, well, like you can see on the date right here.

54
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It's like it says like, you know, 04.

55
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It says you're lying.

56
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Yeah, it says you're lying.

57
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Also, it smells like laundry detergent.

58
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I know you've used this and washed it.

59
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And he was like, this is great.

60
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He's like, so you're just going to take those and you're going to sell them again for $25.

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And I was like, I can't sell them.

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They've been washed.

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No, no, no.

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these you're getting a free $1.97

65
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sir just take it

66
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customers can be very angry

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yeah I worked

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in retail at Urban

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Outfitters

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that was a tough gig

71
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yeah

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one time a girl

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because we were on

74
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we were in the gas lamp district in San Diego

75
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so there was like nightclubs

76
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and like we'd stay open until 1am

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Urban Outfitters was open until 1am

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yeah so drunk

79
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people would come in on like friday and saturday nights and one girl like barfed in the middle of

80
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the in the middle of the floor and uh my manager went and got her got the mop and was like

81
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you're cleaning this up yeah it is not my job to clean this up yes made her like mop it up and i

82
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was just like wow to have that kind of confidence to make a drunk girl clean up her own bar A true leader A true leader Yeah I was like I would never have had the guts to do that

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And I was just so impressed.

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You'd follow that man anywhere.

85
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I wonder what he's doing now.

86
00:04:01,650 --> 00:04:02,230
I wonder.

87
00:04:02,350 --> 00:04:03,970
He probably still works at Urban Outfitters.

88
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That was very much his scene.

89
00:04:05,450 --> 00:04:06,850
He is Urban Outfitter now.

90
00:04:07,090 --> 00:04:07,570
He is.

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He's the one.

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He's the outfitter.

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but we never dealt with defects or at least i never did as a as a shirt folder

94
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is that your professional job title it was on our business folder nice gasif

95
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no creator and shirt folder yeah yeah it was just

96
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and now improv

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Darling.

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Yes, my sweets.

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I know you want a big, giant, wonderful wedding.

100
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Mm-hmm.

101
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Just so expensive, and I came up with an idea.

102
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Oh, I can't wait to hear it, my love.

103
00:04:53,870 --> 00:04:58,390
Well, we go to each party of our wedding, and we...

104
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Oh, I know you're not going to like this.

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But we lie to them about something that happened, and we get a discount.

106
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:05,810
We go to each of our vendors?

107
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Yes.

108
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Yes, here's the first one I thought of.

109
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I was admiring a rose, and it cut me from the thorn.

110
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And as a result, I'm blood.

111
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You're hemophiliac.

112
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Yes, that's it.

113
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You'll bleed out right here.

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Yes, yes.

115
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Now, we don't want money.

116
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We just want services.

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Yes.

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Yes, we just want discounts.

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That's all.

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Deep, deep discounts.

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Almost free.

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We're free.

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Almost free.

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Yes.

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We're not monsters.

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No.

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No, no, no, no, no.

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We'll pay a shilling or two.

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Not poppers.

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No, we have money.

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We just don't want to offend them.

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Not very much.

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Yes.

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Yeah, so you're on board.

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I'm on board.

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Let's visit the vendors immediately.

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Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

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Get to the vendors.

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What do you do here?

140
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Hey, you came to me, buddy.

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It's our linen vendor.

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Linen.

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Yeah.

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Yes.

145
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Oh.

146
00:05:57,990 --> 00:05:59,170
Do you see that sign?

147
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Oh.

148
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Linens.

149
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And no more things.

150
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Just linens.

151
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Original.

152
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It's such a long sign.

153
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And I do love it.

154
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Thank you so much.

155
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The neon costs a lot, but I think it was worth it.

156
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Yes.

157
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I'll.

158
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This is going to be hard to hear.

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Your linen suffocated my parakeet.

160
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Oh, no.

161
00:06:22,790 --> 00:06:23,250
I know.

162
00:06:23,690 --> 00:06:24,210
Wait, what?

163
00:06:24,310 --> 00:06:24,790
It's dead.

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00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:25,610
Percival.

165
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He was coming to the wedding.

166
00:06:27,870 --> 00:06:28,950
Oh, this is so hard.

167
00:06:30,450 --> 00:06:31,730
What are you going to do?

168
00:06:32,170 --> 00:06:33,990
Percival was like a member of our family.

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00:06:34,190 --> 00:06:34,570
Don't get upset.

170
00:06:34,690 --> 00:06:35,430
I know you get upset.

171
00:06:36,010 --> 00:06:36,870
I am upset.

172
00:06:37,390 --> 00:06:40,550
The Orlinens murdered a member of our family.

173
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Oh, well.

174
00:06:45,290 --> 00:06:46,530
And we already threw the body away.

175
00:06:47,190 --> 00:06:53,610
Oh, I need proof of dead parrot before I, it's company policy.

176
00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:56,330
Look, we had a lot of dead parrots.

177
00:06:56,330 --> 00:07:07,250
Our Linens, we actually, you signed a waiver saying that you acknowledge that if anything happens to a parrot or other bird pet in your house, that we are not liable.

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00:07:07,390 --> 00:07:09,330
Did you

179
00:07:09,330 --> 00:07:10,890
I didn't read it

180
00:07:10,890 --> 00:07:12,050
You know I never read the fine print

181
00:07:12,050 --> 00:07:14,330
We get so many people that way

182
00:07:14,330 --> 00:07:17,030
That's why we put it in there

183
00:07:17,030 --> 00:07:19,310
Ironclad

184
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Thank you for your candor

185
00:07:21,510 --> 00:07:23,610
But your linens

186
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,630
Also gave me a rash on my

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Napkin hand

188
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That's right

189
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:30,590
Now I can't even look at it

190
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It's disgusting

191
00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:43,500
And it my ring hand my ring hand and my napkin hand and my same hand You actually originally I got your order right here

192
00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:47,660
You ordered the rashy napkins.

193
00:07:49,780 --> 00:07:51,960
I thought it said rosy napkins.

194
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:54,900
No, no, common mistake.

195
00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:56,360
It's rashy napkins.

196
00:07:56,900 --> 00:08:01,460
They are a little bit cheaper, but that's just why some people choose them.

197
00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:05,820
Um, but yeah, no, it's right there in your handwriting.

198
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:11,860
You used your ring finger hand to write, yes, I'd like rashy napkins.

199
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:13,940
I'm really sorry, my hands are tied.

200
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,640
Lenny the linen man has got us coming and going.

201
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,360
I can't believe this, it was foolproof.

202
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,700
He's an ironclad contract.

203
00:08:21,140 --> 00:08:23,920
Oh, yeah, was there anything else we could...

204
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,280
You try something else, honey.

205
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:27,060
Oh, that's right, Lenny.

206
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,220
I just remembered, this is horrifying.

207
00:08:29,220 --> 00:08:32,600
I was wearing one of your linens like a ghost

208
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and was

209
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:35,260
photographed

210
00:08:35,260 --> 00:08:38,160
and put in the news as a racist.

211
00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:40,100
Oh no!

212
00:08:40,340 --> 00:08:40,900
Yes!

213
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,060
And my reputation's ruined.

214
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,260
Yeah, where's the clause about that?

215
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:46,740
Yeah!

216
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:48,480
Oh, oh.

217
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,060
Oh no.

218
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:51,440
Shoot.

219
00:08:52,340 --> 00:08:54,640
I told my boss we needed a ghost clause.

220
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:55,360
We got him!

221
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,540
We don't want free.

222
00:08:58,540 --> 00:09:01,820
just deeply discounted linens

223
00:09:01,820 --> 00:09:03,440
oh thank you so much

224
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,080
yeah no I'll take care of that

225
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,380
I'll take care of that for you right away

226
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,020
wow you're great

227
00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:10,260
I'm so sorry about that

228
00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:13,420
I know it won't fix your reputation

229
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,560
because I actually saw that

230
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,440
I saw that news story

231
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,120
I almost didn't let you into

232
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,200
linens and no other things

233
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:21,720
but you did

234
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,540
we can't do business with this guy

235
00:09:24,540 --> 00:09:26,340
because I'm a racist apologist

236
00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:29,180
Take your linens and shove it

237
00:09:29,180 --> 00:09:31,1000
Oh, but we're getting the discount

238
00:09:31,1000 --> 00:09:33,880
No, I have principles

239
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,620
Principles cost money

240
00:09:36,620 --> 00:09:38,120
I'm torn

241
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,720
No, that's fine, it's fine, I understand

242
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,220
I should be ostracized

243
00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:46,040
Unless you paid us

244
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:51,260
Oh, and then I'll pay you

245
00:09:51,260 --> 00:09:53,1000
And then you will continue to do

246
00:09:53,1000 --> 00:09:55,880
where you will work at my store

247
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,540
or you will come to my store

248
00:09:57,540 --> 00:10:00,540
patronize linens and no other things.

249
00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:02,180
You strike a hard bargain, bud.

250
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:03,140
All right.

251
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:04,200
Deal.

252
00:10:05,1000 --> 00:10:06,380
All right.

253
00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:07,880
Cut to a different vendor.

254
00:10:10,220 --> 00:10:11,460
The cake maker.

255
00:10:12,260 --> 00:10:14,300
Ah, this one's going to be tricky, babe.

256
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,020
Yes, but I believe in you.

257
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:16,760
Okay.

258
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,540
Yes, you start and I'll be in the back.

259
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:18,940
Okay.

260
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:19,740
Okay.

261
00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:21,120
Ding, ding, ding, ding on the door.

262
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,620
Hello, I make cakes.

263
00:10:23,1000 --> 00:10:26,1000
thank you for greeting us

264
00:10:26,1000 --> 00:10:28,040
so

265
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,960
distinctly

266
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,840
oh well just I want everyone to know

267
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,740
that's the first thing I want them to know about me

268
00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:35,940
is that I make cakes

269
00:10:35,940 --> 00:10:38,520
well as you know

270
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,140
we were in here for a sample

271
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,660
of some of your cakes

272
00:10:42,660 --> 00:10:44,640
oh yes the lovely

273
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:45,420
couple

274
00:10:45,420 --> 00:10:47,580
she remembers us

275
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:48,480
we're being married

276
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,360
too sweet

277
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:53,260
but I have to say

278
00:10:53,260 --> 00:11:03,980
When I ate your cake, it was so delicious that now I can't eat any other food.

279
00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:05,440
Oh, good.

280
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,060
No, this is not good.

281
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,020
No, it's bad.

282
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:09,740
No, that means it's working.

283
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:10,860
No, her doctor called.

284
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,380
She has cacaritis.

285
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:14,540
I do.

286
00:11:14,1000 --> 00:11:16,440
It went right to my cankles.

287
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:30,909
This is we call this in the business it slang we call it diet cake And I don mean that it has fewer calories I mean it is so good and has so many calories that you never going to want to eat anything

288
00:11:30,909 --> 00:11:35,629
else, thereby letting you lose weight. You look fantastic, by the way.

289
00:11:36,809 --> 00:11:40,869
Thank you. And I have been losing weight, but...

290
00:11:40,869 --> 00:11:43,169
Don't let her swindle you. Be strong.

291
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:45,809
Okay. You try something.

292
00:11:45,809 --> 00:11:50,149
I was about to enjoy your cake

293
00:11:50,149 --> 00:11:53,649
when all of the frosting fell all over me

294
00:11:53,649 --> 00:11:54,949
and I was photographed

295
00:11:54,949 --> 00:11:59,489
and now my reputation has suffered

296
00:11:59,489 --> 00:12:04,209
Good job, darling. It worked last time

297
00:12:04,209 --> 00:12:09,429
Oh, I remember seeing you covered in frosting in the paper

298
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:13,049
and that made you look whimsical and fun

299
00:12:13,049 --> 00:12:15,049
and I wanted to be friends with you

300
00:12:15,049 --> 00:12:18,289
And in fact, all of my sewing group

301
00:12:18,289 --> 00:12:19,609
They saw it as well

302
00:12:19,609 --> 00:12:21,369
And they also wanted to be friends with you

303
00:12:21,369 --> 00:12:23,009
I don't think that was reputational

304
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,029
Damaging

305
00:12:25,029 --> 00:12:27,809
Well, right after that

306
00:12:27,809 --> 00:12:29,289
My

307
00:12:29,289 --> 00:12:31,549
Parakeet fell in your cake

308
00:12:31,549 --> 00:12:36,109
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry

309
00:12:36,109 --> 00:12:36,689
Pierre!

310
00:12:37,689 --> 00:12:39,229
Our other parakeets

311
00:12:39,229 --> 00:12:40,929
Yes, they were like brothers

312
00:12:40,929 --> 00:12:41,809
Now we have none

313
00:12:42,269 --> 00:12:42,569
Oh.

314
00:12:42,889 --> 00:12:45,229
We're a parakeet-less household.

315
00:12:45,509 --> 00:12:46,269
I'm so sorry.

316
00:12:46,729 --> 00:12:47,469
I'm so sorry.

317
00:12:47,849 --> 00:12:49,129
We don't want free.

318
00:12:49,329 --> 00:12:50,149
No, no, no, no.

319
00:12:50,149 --> 00:12:51,469
We just want a discount.

320
00:12:51,489 --> 00:12:51,909
Of course.

321
00:12:52,129 --> 00:12:53,249
I'll give you a discount.

322
00:12:53,489 --> 00:12:57,069
Oh, I feel so terrible that a parakeet flew into my cake.

323
00:12:57,409 --> 00:12:58,649
I bake cakes.

324
00:13:01,069 --> 00:13:05,889
We cut to the final vendor, the pastor who is officiating the wedding.

325
00:13:07,189 --> 00:13:07,749
All right.

326
00:13:07,969 --> 00:13:09,669
This is going to be the toughest one yet.

327
00:13:09,669 --> 00:13:12,189
It's weird that we're asking for a discount in the middle of the ceremony.

328
00:13:12,629 --> 00:13:15,729
It is, but now he can't say no from all these people.

329
00:13:15,729 --> 00:13:16,969
It's the gift we want.

330
00:13:17,169 --> 00:13:17,509
Yes.

331
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:18,009
Okay.

332
00:13:18,309 --> 00:13:18,589
Okay.

333
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:22,189
I marry people.

334
00:13:24,129 --> 00:13:28,289
And today I have come here to marry the two of you.

335
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:31,969
Tell me, have you written your own vows?

336
00:13:33,049 --> 00:13:33,489
Yes.

337
00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:35,209
Lovely.

338
00:13:35,209 --> 00:13:37,969
I, Petunia

339
00:13:37,969 --> 00:13:41,209
take you

340
00:13:41,209 --> 00:13:44,629
Morris

341
00:13:44,629 --> 00:13:46,009
Morris

342
00:13:46,009 --> 00:13:48,249
concerning you don't know his name

343
00:13:48,249 --> 00:13:49,089
but I'll let it slide

344
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:50,989
I do

345
00:13:50,989 --> 00:13:54,289
I've forgotten his Christian name

346
00:13:54,289 --> 00:13:56,009
only

347
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:57,189
if

348
00:13:57,189 --> 00:14:00,109
we can get the services

349
00:14:00,109 --> 00:14:01,069
of this preacher

350
00:14:01,069 --> 00:14:04,509
for 15% off

351
00:14:04,509 --> 00:14:07,229
Oh, that seems fair.

352
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:12,349
He's holding our wedding hostage and our happiness out of God's eyes.

353
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:17,449
If he doesn't agree to a 15% discount on his...

354
00:14:17,449 --> 00:14:19,049
I object. It should be 20.

355
00:14:19,829 --> 00:14:20,409
Very well.

356
00:14:20,449 --> 00:14:21,789
Who are we to argue with our guests?

357
00:14:21,809 --> 00:14:22,889
The crowd has spoken.

358
00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:26,289
And I, Morris, agree with Petunia.

359
00:14:28,049 --> 00:14:29,129
Get him, babe.

360
00:14:31,109 --> 00:14:32,789
That was a custom vow just for you.

361
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:37,569
So, Father Roberto, what do you say?

362
00:14:37,729 --> 00:14:38,629
20% off?

363
00:14:40,709 --> 00:14:43,529
I now pronounce you not married.

364
00:14:43,769 --> 00:14:44,409
Oh, no.

365
00:14:45,709 --> 00:14:46,409
I'm sorry.

366
00:14:46,529 --> 00:14:48,429
There's no discounts for God.

367
00:14:49,669 --> 00:14:52,289
This man killed my parents.

368
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:56,789
And scene.

369
00:15:02,789 --> 00:15:13,209
You're welcome.