by the way we've been recording for two minutes oh great so this really could be the beginning
of the pod. I don't know if it's good
enough.
Toyota.
See ya.
Yes.
Gary Scrotum.
Yeah.
Is that multiple scrotums? Yes.
Wow.
It's Latin.
Good for them.
good for the romans oh well good for scrota yeah which did you mean find out on our bonus episode
yeah i took a nap today and i had a dream nice um it was really kind of weird because
um i was like i went to a room and like my dad and some cousins were there and they had and they
They were talking about zero sugar diets.
And someone had one of those diet juices.
And I was like, oh, I love those.
I love those.
And they're like, oh, really?
They're good?
We haven't had it.
I'm like, you want me to get you some cups?
And they're like, yeah.
I'm like, I'll get you some cups.
You can try it.
So I go in the kitchen.
And I could not find these damn cups.
I got like two.
And then I'm looking for a third.
But they're all mismatched.
And I spent like 30 minutes of dream time looking for cups.
And also my vision was like blurred.
And I'm like, where are my cups?
so finally I was like forget it I'm done
I did what I could do and I go in there and I have these three
like mismatched cups I'm like this is all
I could find and they were like
oh we don't want it anyway
and I'm like I just spent
however much time looking for these cups
yeah you're having some
yeah and then they all got to leave and then my dad
made a joke I don't even
remember the joke but I went for the jugular
in response nice yeah like he said
something about like oh like when I
after I get married I'll be a good
after I get married I'll be like a bad
husband. And I said you'll be a bad husband
before you get married.
And I woke up laughing.
What a frustrating
dream.
But you woke up laughing. That's good.
You managed to salvage it.
Well I zinged him.
He's a bad husband right now.
He's not even married.
Yeah.
yeah welcome to very fine friends we're friends talk about stuff including dreams that we have at
nap time i do you ever i i love dreams so much yeah i love every night i'm excited to see what
i'm gonna dream that i hate it when i have a dream that's like kind of boring or it's like
clearly like what like one of those where it's just like you're spending this time like
like frustrating time in your dream i that annoys me no end yeah it's supposed to be fun time yeah
exactly what is my brain wasting my time for that's i did i text you about the taffy thing
i don't think so i might have been on the fence about it because before that i had this like
quick dream where i was i was near the pool with a friend like a lady friend and we were just like
enjoying the pool together like laying back on those pool chairs yeah and this guy walks over
naked whoa and we just were like playing it polite we didn't want to like say anything so he was like
hey how you guys doing and we were like we're good thanks how about you guy it's like we're good
thanks and then we thought he would leave but he was naked and he took his thing and he like touched
my friend's forehead and i was like oh so i reached out quickly and just grabbed it and he tried
running away but it just turned it like it just kept becoming like like longer and longer like
taffy and other people at the pool were like watching but not doing anything and i finally
i was like i'd let it go i'm like whatever and you call that the taffy dream
that's funny that's a funny dream
was it elastic like when you let go of it
it's no it stayed long
oh okay yeah all right
so i did my favor really
well did you i mean
this is our point too it's
no it wasn't a favor this is life ruining
yeah it's gonna have to like
fold it up it's a scarf now yeah
yeah
there's a fire don't worry
i've got the house
well i guess it's good to know
um
you'll come to the aid of your friends quickly too quickly yeah
wow yeah so come to the pool with me okay that's that's your way to get us to come to the pool with
you yeah promise no no penis on the forehead well i couldn't prevent that but i that's true
yeah there will be vengeance yeah that's
Yes.
And it will be split.
Yes.
And Taffy-like.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
And right before we die, we add up all the points.
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is blatantly.
Jenna's decoy word is crocodiles.
Francis's secret word is omelets.
Francis's decoy word is orphaned.
Back to the pod.
speaking of swift and taffy like it's time for the invention of the week
inventions
great francis yeah do you have an invention for us yes i do great
do you know how the world is gross i do know that do you know how people are the reason
mostly i do know that you know there's buffets i do know that in weddings where you have to serve
yourself and such ever since the pandemic i think about things a little differently
like just some things that i do like and buffets is one of them because now that i've thought about
it like they're pretty gross yet i will continue to go but i watch all these people touch these
tongs and I'm like
a hundred people just touched that tong
now I'm going to touch it and then I'm going to eat
no
I have a solution
it's very practical
bring your own tongs
I'm sorry that's not bad
that is not bad but then you
you would cross contaminate foods
that's true good point
that's great if you go to a buffet where they only serve one thing
um here's my solution
in the buffet
tubs
trays
scholarship ladies
um
right now it's like they're all sitting in their flesh
and the tongs are in the individual trays
here's my solution
you pick it up you scoop your food
and then
you set the hand
the handle into a
like a
sheath if you will.
The sheath is a UV sanitizer.
I was just going to say it but it's UV.
We're on the same page. Yeah and they go all the way around.
So everyone has one and then you put it back in.
I feel like I should
waste your time by
fleshing this out more but that's it. That's basically it.
Okay.
The only thing I don't know is this
is UV technology expensive
in any way?
Yeah, it's just a bulb.
Okay.
Alright, so it's just the holder goes...
Tong...
Handles down into a UV thing.
How long does it take for a UV light to actually have any impact on cleanliness?
Yeah.
Like, what if it's a really fast-moving and hop-in buffet?
um answer with confidence act like you know two minutes oh so it's got to be two minutes between
um what about a little thing at everybody's
seat at the table
that's just a
UV light for you put your hands under
it before you eat. Oh, but that
will give you cancer.
And what of the tongs?
Do they not need to be
cancer free?
So there's a buffet near my grandma's
house. Love you, Graham.
They have little
tissues
when you get your plates.
so you can take a tissue and use that and hold the tongue with the tissue.
And I love that.
I guess we could just do that.
So you invented the place near your grandma's?
Shoot.
Yeah.
Yeah, I like that.
Yeah.
How long have we been doing this segment?
No, we're in it now.
Okay, I was going to switch to a backup invention,
but let's go back to the tongs.
okay this here's a different idea with the tongs okay when you're done with the tongue
you set it into a device that quickly wraps it in a new tissue and then it comes up and you grab it
okay like um uh you remember those like or do you ever see anywhere those toilet seats
that would have like plastic that wrapped around it and then when you'd flush it would like
get new plastic no yeah so it's basically like a toy i yeah i've seen it like maybe twice
but i don't remember exactly where but it's like basically it's like it's automatically putting a
new toilet seat cover on top of the toilet seat i thought you might um so it's kind of like that
so it's you put it in takes the old one off what's a new one on yeah well this impede the tonguing
technology um i don't believe it will oh okay good well that's problem is solved
uh no i don't i don't think it will also maybe we could just have a an invention where
you it's like motion sensing like you go into the tray you want something and you like
do that you put your hand in front of it and then it's it just picks up a scoop and
serve as your plate.
No one touches anything.
Like a robotic arm?
Yeah.
You like that?
I would like it if it gained sentience
and then started throwing food around
at people.
That'd be fun.
Creating a food fight.
Yeah, business probably wouldn't like that though.
But I would.
Yeah, I'd like it.
Why not just only go through a buffet line with
gloves the disposable gloves
the customer puts on
yeah
there's no germ to tongue
contact
yeah
I like that too and you could leave it on while you
no
yes maybe you could
leave it on while you eat then your hands don't get messy
yeah
that's your bag
Well, if you were just using those gloves to use the tongs,
then would the germs go from tongs to gloves,
and then you wouldn't want to pick things up?
But there wouldn't be any germs there to begin with,
because everyone else is using gloves, Jenna.
Safe buffet is effective buffet.
Oh.
Welcome to the inventor's room.
Okay, things are going to get a little messy.
What's our expression?
Got to crack an egg to make an omelet.
Make a few omelets, you gotta crack a few eggs.
Is that it?
Make a few omelets, you gotta crack a few eggs.
Yeah, that's right.
And we're at a buffet.
Maybe it's a breakfast buffet.
But let's be honest, we were all thinking Chinese.
Yeah.
Joe, I thought you were to hop in.
I don't go to buffets.
You know of them.
I do know of them, but I'm anti-buffet.
Okay.
Interesting.
Let's wrap it here.
I had no idea.
Well, okay.
What about, since we're in the spitballing section of the inventors room.
Love it.
Now that I'm in here for the first time.
Feeling things out.
Welcome, by the way.
Thank you for having me.
I appreciate it.
Here's your robe.
Ooh.
It's comfortable.
It's lined in ermine.
I can see why you spend so much time in here.
Yes, put on your slippers.
Oh, oh, it's, oh.
We invented those ourselves, slippers.
Oh, and you're handing me a nice thing of scotch.
Yes, tape.
Yes, to put things together with.
Yeah.
To cobble things together.
You're welcome.
Oh, and I'm going to take a hit of the drink scotch from this loose tube.
Oh, where'd you get that loose tube?
It was invented in this very room.
um okay what about
you only pick up the tongs with your mouth
and that way your hands don't get dirty yes what if you bring someone what if there's an attendant
you know like sometimes i have an attendant in the bathroom to watch you pee and give you candy
what if they had an attendant at each
they were like some
Beijing beef for you sir
and I just hand my plate out
and they're the only ones that get dirty
like a servant
so like a catered
event
it's a waiter that
stands at the
and he doesn't get paid so that they don't have to worry about
the overhead from having an extra employee
it's a proprietary servant
but do you remember I remember how you started this by saying like you know places where you have to go up and serve yourself Like she said we Hey no bad ideas in the spitballing zone
Yeah.
You got it.
It's on the wall in the Avengers room.
I forgot we put that up.
Look at it.
Now go stand in the corner, Joe.
but we agree that i've solved or at least attempted to solve a problem that does exist
uh yes and it sounds like that place near your grandma's has done the same thing
i kind of like the idea of a uv sheath i mean in general i don't feel like
we don't use uv lights as much as we should considering that they have that power like
I feel like it should be in a lot more places.
UV sheath attached to one of the legs of your chairs.
So if you're going to like a multiple course meal,
you can put your silverware in the UV sheath in between courses.
That'll be enough time for it to clean silverware.
And then you can use the same silverware for all of the courses,
massively cutting down on silverware cleaning time for restaurants.
I like that idea, but I will say the last buffet I went to, we had to keep our silverware.
So I think they're already forcing that.
I think you keep the silverware, you need new plates.
New plates, yeah.
Which also makes it, washes away the shame of what you've just done.
Especially if they take the plates away quickly.
Why do we need new plates?
Like, why did they make you do that?
Because you're getting new foods.
You don't want to put new food slop on old food remains.
I don't really care.
I mean
I'm
I'm generally not like
like oh I've got
a bunch of spaghetti sauce
here let me put some meat on top of it
some people
or I meant soup
I don't think they're stopping you
they're not stopping you from using your own plate
no one's going to come up and whip it out of your hand
um
well thank you
I guess that's good
um
what about a personal uv sheath that you just carry around with you all the time
to like sanitize anything you want to sanitize like a little like fanny pack uv thing
i love that i absolutely love that i love it i love it okay great oh yeah i think that's a
fantastic idea thank you you should put it right there right where a fanny pack would go yeah and
there'll be no cancerous complications.
No, because the light's containing and it doesn't turn on
until it's fully closed.
So it's like you can't get hurt.
This is absolutely brilliant. I love what you've
done. You have orphaned
my idea. Thank you. That was beautiful.
You're welcome.
No, I think it's great. Because so many things are
dirty, filthy, gross.
And you
just fixed it.
dirty filthy gross
why did you say that like it's the sister film to crazy sexy beautiful
i don't know because it is because the world is gross and
yeah i think and i think you and i've talked about this like we trust
we trust a lot of um like you know everywhere has to
sanitize their silverware and we just trust that it's being done yeah
We will never know if we get dirty silverware.
This would be a great thing to have on your fanny.
Yep.
Okay, cool.
I mean, they can come in very sizing sizes too.
You could wear it if you wanted to.
There could be a little light compact purse one for smaller things you want to sanitize.
Like a little sunglasses case.
Yeah.
All right.
what are we calling this?
I was thinking
all UV can eat.
All UV can eat.
That's good for the buffet
for sure.
Yeah.
Clean fanny.
Clean fanny?
Life bidet.
um
bidet implies water right
I mean I
it does imply water
yeah so
maybe not that
pocket full of sunshine
I got a pocket
got a pocket full of sunshine
uh
okay
and
Natasha Bedingfield
will not sue
no
is that a real song
yes
are you serious
I only know it from Easy A
I thought it was maybe made up for
that
yeah
it's not a good song
I don't like it
I'm sorry Natasha she knows
I like a lot of her
other music better
um
like what
what's hold on
um
feeling on your skin
that one
Joe baited you into that
why? is that a word?
Joe sings that song all the time
it's a great song
and also the other one Unwritten
that's the same song?
what's the other one?
there was two that were really popular at the same time
I think it's those two
Pockable of Sunshine and Unwritten
no no no
it's before that
Unwritten and
also her though or just another song in that same no it's it's her and then there was a song
called wild horses that was really good i actually bought her cd oh these words these words yeah
same time how does that one go uh read some byron shelly and keats yeah that's not ringing any
bells. Oh, okay. I can hear
like the melody of it.
You'll know. We'll listen
to it later in the car with the window down while we're
drinking a latte. And feeling the
rain on our skin.
I want someone else to feel
it for me. No, no
one else can. You can let it in, Jenna.
Why am I letting rain
in?
You need the moisture, girl.
Aw, rude.
Segway, we're not being sponsored
by a moisturizing company.
We're now being sponsored by Rain.
Rain, get some.
Classic.
All right, well, I'm glad that we don't have to address the fact that you blatantly ripped off some buffet place near your grandmother's.
They don't own the-
I'm glad that we pivoted enough that they don't own- that this is now a wholly new idea.
So.
They don't own disposable
germ tissues.
They buy them from a company
as we could be doing.
No, they own it.
We've done the legal check.
Is it a Chinese buffet?
Yeah.
I haven't been to one of those in a long time
since I was a kid.
There used to be a great one
that I would go to with my brothers.
It was awesome and then they closed.
It was awesome.
awesome yeah they you find a good one it's yeah it's great we'll go sometime i'd love that okay
all right uh well now that we've made plans on pod which is great for listeners yeah um i think
uh we did a good job i enjoyed being in this room in this inventor's room yeah well you can take the
robe it's complimentary thank you slippers i have to return yes okay uh all right well it's time to
exit the inventor's room and exit the invention of the week well now that we've done excellent work
um it's time for our next segment stalking oprah
behind every great celebrity is an even greater stalker
francis would you like to explain this segment no i forgot oh i think in this segment
Joe is going to give us a celebrity
and then we
are going to
describe
the various ways
we will stalk this celebrity.
For real.
In real life. Not just for this
segment. Yeah, for real.
Hire your bodyguards to work overtime.
You're going to be
in pieces soon.
I didn't say murdering Oprah.
Oh, we said stalking. Stalking, yeah.
Pieces. You'll be in one piece.
Because we're so funny and you'll just be laughing so much.
That kind of pieces.
Joe, who are we stalking?
You guys are going to describe to me how you would stalk the iconic Goldie Hawn.
Oh.
We got to be subtle about this.
We don't want to go overboard.
Nice.
Well, um
I think the first thing that I want to do
is get in with
Kate Hudson
Oh, I was going to say the exact same thing
Yeah, because
you want to savor your meal
as a stalker
Oh, yeah, yeah
You don't just show up and start stalking
No, you build a
You know how I got into Goldie Hawn's house?
I was invited
By Kate Hudson
So first I'm going to work on that relationship
okay while you're doing that i'm gonna work on kurt russell i'll get to know kurt russell
yeah yeah yeah i like you two together um well he loves his wife yeah so are they still married
oh yeah i don't know if they were technically married they're like together they've been
together for forever but yeah they're i hope they're still together yeah they are okay good
because they're one of those couples that's like i like that they're out there and that they have
been together for so long exactly it's like um uh uh ted danson and mary steenburgen yes yeah
yeah same i i hope that nothing happens to their relationship um back to our crime okay
so first i uh i'd go up to kurt and i'd be like wait are you the guy from that movie in the 90s
Breakdown? And he'd be like, whoa, no one ever remembers me for that movie. Breakdown. It was a
niche action film, didn't get seen by a lot of people. And then I'd be like, I'm just kidding,
I know who you are. But yes, I love Breakdown, right? And then we'd bond that way, because I'm
pretty sure I'd be the first person to ever say, I recognize you from this. Then he'd be like,
hey speaking of breakdown uh i just got a flat tire like oh weird how that happened
it's like well if you need me to give you a ride somewhere i'm i'm happy to do that um
and he wouldn't know it was me that let the air out of his tires uh oh well it's you it's
stocking is dirty business sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do but you have
to do may i also suggest that you pit pocket his phone because he his instinct is probably going to
be to just get help from people he knows or call an uber or something or triple a yeah so let's
remove that i think he would want a stranger well i mean we've we've built we've been talking for a
few minutes we've built up a bit of a rapport he's clearly like we're it's one of those situations
where he's just like instantly comfortable around me yeah uh if anything don't pickpocket his phone
because for three minutes gab him with this girl he's gonna be like oh my god let's take a selfie
yeah that's true um but what i can do is um i uh i have with me um a cell blocking technology
that only projects within like six foot radius right and so he's gonna try his phone and like
other people around will have their phones and they're working and he'll be like there must be
something wrong with my phone not like the cell tower is out right because you know if everybody's
phones are out then it's going to be like causing a stir of some kind we don't we don't want no we
don't want to draw attention yeah that's key in stalking um and so then it would be like just his
phone and then i would have a phone that um i would have like a flip phone that's immune to that
and and he'd also think it was pretty cool that i had a flip phone and he'd be like hey i like that
old school and i was like yeah i like to be present i like to be in the moment phones kind
of take us out of things i'm not married to this phone but i've been with it for a long long time
Yep.
This phone's kids call me dad.
Yeah.
And so then I'd take him to like discount tire or something.
And then I'd be like, I'll wait with you, man.
Like I got, you know, I got time.
I had an appointment that actually just got canceled right before I ran into you.
um and then he would be like great and then we'd hang out for a little bit um and then i would
i would manufacture some way where it'd be like um
like oh yeah like it's getting close to dinner time um and i'm real hungry yeah oh i'm super uh
And then I'd be like, oh, shoot.
I just remembered.
I went grocery shopping earlier today.
But as I was leaving, a homeless person came up to me and asked me for money.
And I didn't have any cash.
So I just gave him all my groceries.
So I was like, oh.
Luckily, they had a shopping cart.
So it wasn't a burden on them.
Yes.
So, well, it wasn't a lot.
But it was going to be my dinner for the night.
Because I like to kind of eat fresh.
So I never buy a ton of groceries, right?
Yeah.
And Kurt will love that too.
Because Kurt's still, he's, I mean, he's still in great shape.
You should tell him that.
Well, I'll tell him that, but like in a non-creepy way.
Yeah.
Like, and I'll ask him a bit like, oh, what do you do?
Like, I'm working like, like I'm trying to work on, you know, like building my triceps,
but without like getting it like too.
And then he'd give me like his routine and I'd be like, okay, cool, cool.
And they'd be like, okay, well, hey, good.
I'm glad I could help you with your tires, man.
Like hit me up anytime.
you're gonna be like, you know, I've been seeing this girl
and she wants to get married to me,
but I really just wanna be with her.
You know, do you have any tips on how you do that?
Yeah And yeah Thanks Joe It okay
You're welcome.
And then, so then he'd be like, hey, you know, my, my de facto wife, um, she just made a big stew.
real protein heavy uh good for the triceps good for the triceps and i'd be like oh that sounds
amazing like yeah if you want to come over like that uh yeah we got plenty to go around i'd be
like that at kurt like what a what a guy like seriously what a guy um and then i go we go over
to kurt goldie's house goldie uh she will be ladling out stew as we walk in
and there's only two bowls out and then kurt's like or there's three bowls out and he's like oh
who's the third one for and it's like oh your de facto daughter kate is coming um and he's like
hey you got a fourth bowl and then and then i'd be like hi hi nice to meet you i'm jenna um and
then kurt would be like i oh i've been hanging with jenna all day she did me a solid and um
she's really generous too she gives her groceries away to people so she didn't have any food for
night and I was like hey Goldie's making
stew
but
then you
two see each other
because when her de facto daughter Kate
shows up well we'll get
there we'll get there because Francis has got
to go through his odyssey with Kate
so we'll see
so then I'll
I'll excuse
myself
thank Goldie so much
shake her hand
then never wash that hand again um and i'll just ask where's the bathroom and then it'll be oh like
down the hall to the left right uh so then i go but i go down the hall to the right find their
bedroom and then i touch all of goldie's clothes do you put any on there's no time i mean i do as
much as i can as quickly as i can but i i don't want to disturb anything i don't want to um and
then i i pluck out one of my hairs and i put it into her hairbrush i can i recommend that i'll
save it for my thing okay okay um and uh i take note of what kind of perfume she uses so that i
can buy it for myself and then always smell like goldie um and uh yeah but then i'm now fast friends
with the Russell Hahn household.
And so I'm over there all the time.
And then every time I come over,
I leave one hair of mine behind.
On the same brush?
Yeah.
Well, no, eventually that'll get boring
and I'll branch out
and I'll start leaving hairs in different places.
Maybe you'll bake some into cookies
that you watch that eat.
No, because you can,
when you eat it hair,
you can like really tell oh you can chop it up whatever this is your fantasy well no but i don't
want them i don't want them to see flaws in me and so if they are eating a cookie and then it's like
oh a hair and then like then they'll never trust anything that i bring them again because it'll be
you want to keep the stocking going yeah exactly and i want to keep this this feeling of like
yeah like you know just basically perfect what could be wrong i i am so glad that she's entered
our lives yeah it's beautiful thank you it is it all starts with the the same concept as saltburn
do you watch that movie no i just know that there's he like slashes or like deflights the
guys like bicycle tires and like offers him his bike and then become friends oh i did not know that
well yours is different yours was cars okay uh all i know about that movie is
there's some taffy in it if you know what i mean and it ain't laughy yeah yeah uh okay so that's um
that's how i'd get started great job thanks while you were doing that
i sauntered into a nightclub where kate hudson was performing because now she's a singer i
I don't know if you know this.
Oh, I didn't know that.
She released an album or something.
And she's good.
So I go in and she's just starting her song.
So I sit down and I order a drink at the bar.
And she starts singing.
And then everyone's quiet because she's singing a slow song.
And the minute she starts, she hears this from the bar.
Wow.
Who is that?
And then I start crying from the beauty of it.
And then I let her finish her song.
And when she's done, she comes over to the bar.
She's like, hey, you seem really moved from 100 feet away.
And I wasn't at all annoyed by the very loud, wow.
She's just getting started in her singing career.
So she likes that, you know, it's like a standing ovation.
Like, wouldn't if you were a singer and like everyone in the crowd went, whoa, wouldn't that do something for you?
If everyone weird me out,
or if there was just one guy that I would assume was drunk at the bar,
um,
I should,
she'd be charmed by it.
Yeah.
Well,
my whole,
my whole plan hinges on the fact that she is charmed.
She has to be charged.
If not,
I'll have to come up with a backup idea and a new face.
Anyway,
she comes over and,
uh,
I'm like,
well,
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt yourself,
but I was like blown away.
Um,
I think it's so amazing that your voice is so great.
and you're Kate Hudson.
I'm sorry.
I was just blown away.
And then she was like,
oh, thanks.
I really appreciate it.
And I'm like,
hey, can you buy me a drink?
And then she's like,
can I buy you a drink?
I'm like,
well, I wanted to buy you one,
but I thought you would say no.
So I thought I'd flip the script
and see if you'd buy me one.
Oh, nice.
And she's like,
you're interesting.
Can I pull up a chair?
And I'm like,
Kate, get up here.
There's a purse hook, even.
so she
she's done
this is a pop-up event
and so she comes
she sits down
she hangs her purse
on the hook
we start talking
you know
I'm like
it's so amazing
like you're
you're one of my
lunch lady celebrities
I bring that up
she's flattered
I'm gonna say
wait
lunch lady celebrities
ladies celebrities
we would have lunch with
oh I was thinking
like lunch ladies
like the people
at your buffet
that serve you food.
No.
Okay.
Anyway,
so I'm like,
I hate to bring her up
because this is so lovely,
but I can't look at Kate Hudson
and not say how much I love Goldie Hawn.
Like, you're so lucky that you're not.
So cool, so cool.
She's like, oh, thanks.
I'm like, you know what?
Actually, I bought a gold Honda
and I named it Goldie Honda.
And she laughs.
And I'm like, I'm serious.
And I show her a picture on my phone
of a gold Honda.
And I'm like, so this is like kismet.
You know?
I'm like, shoot me in the face and bury me for dinner because I could die happy.
And she's like, oh, stop.
I'm like, yeah, this is my first Christmas in California alone.
And she's like, oh?
And I'm like, yeah, everyone I know died.
everyone i know was in goldie honda and i accidentally drove it off a cliff
everyone i know is gone um and i'm trying to make i'm trying to make more friends so
i think california was the place for me because there's so many people
and she's like oh i'm so sorry to hear them hey let's not dwell on it it's okay
I've moved on
I accept that everyone you know is dead
yeah I was like
but
the movie
they were all watching when they died
was
a little known
film called Wildcats
I don't know if you've heard of it
she was like
my mom's in that
and I'm like
I know I didn't want to say anything
and I really wanted to watch it
I just can't watch it alone.
Anyway, this isn't your problem.
Thanks for the drink.
And then I get up to leave.
I start walking.
And I look back.
And she's not looking at me, which is annoying.
And so I drop a pen.
And then she looks.
And I wave.
And she goes, this is crazy.
Stop.
Get back over here.
She takes her purse up from the hook.
And she writes down an address.
And she's like, are you free for dinner?
She's holding the curtain for me.
I'm like, I couldn't.
Kate, I couldn't.
And she's like, stop it.
You made me feel great about my song.
Come to dinner.
My mom's making stew.
And so I'm like, wow.
And she laughs.
And I'm like, I'll be there.
And so that's how I got my invitation.
So I roll up in Goldie Honda, which Goldie's going to love.
and um you know i get through security because i have they know kate's handwriting
and also she probably texted um you think they have security on site
i'm just planning for the worst that's a good idea yeah that's that's why you're a good stalker
thank you but also your entire plan hinges on her being charred when you go wow
yeah it'll it'll happen so anyway um and also i bring flowers for the guards
because um people probably don't think of you guys i love that you're keeping my friends safe
and i hand them this giant thing of flowers and that cost way too much money but it was worth it
um and they're all i can hear them talking about me as i walk up the steps how sweet
that was so sweet and um i go to the house i'm charming i see goldie she is ladling out stew
good call um i'm like you might want to set her to an extra bowl and um she's like oh you who are
you but kate comes up she's like that's okay mom i met him he's hilarious and i'm like oh my god
kate i didn't know you would be here we laugh about that anyway so we have stew you're there
hey girl
I'm like
she's a restroom
where is it?
and they were like
down the hall
down to the left
and I was like
oh great
I go to the right
yeah
oh yeah
I go back in the bedroom
I mean back into the bedroom
and I pull out
Jenna's hairs
from
the comb
oh
and I put mine own
in
mine own hairs
but then
you know
I'm just razzing you
so I put both of our hairs
oh okay
I like it you get to talk to.
Thanks.
I'm going to get in their bed and lay down on each side.
And I'm going to guess which side is whose.
And I'm going to rumple up in the.
They got a sleep number bed too.
And they're set to completely different settings.
I'm not going to mess it up.
No, no.
But it'll be exciting.
You can be like, who's who?
Who's the firm?
Who's the soft?
And I like Russell all the.
Russell.
Kurt Russell.
All the sheets.
And I'm like.
And then I get out of bed and make it.
Okay.
And then I go in the closet and I run my fingers through.
I run through the closet touching all the clothes.
And then I leave.
And then I go into the bathroom and flush the toilet.
I think about these things.
I wash my hands.
I smell their soap.
You tried some of her perfume.
I drank a little.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
It's going to make the stew taste weird, but worth it.
It doesn't matter.
Yeah.
Goldie Hawn's house and Kurt Russell's.
and anyway after dinner i asked if before the movie if we can all jump in the pool for a minute
and go swimming it's golden hour everyone golden hour everyone's swimming everyone's like these two
people are great and then we watch wildcats and slowly i put my arms around both of them
and then i catch kate hudson's eye across the room and we both wink at each other
um
yeah
I like that these people are having
stew dinner at golden hour
that also implies
that Kate Hudson was doing a
daytime singing set
she was doing a madman
yeah she was
she's a productive lady
she's not opposed to starting from the bottom
yeah and she likes the daytime
also it was stew night she couldn't book a night time
I know
it's stew night they don't miss stew night in the russell hahn household
um and no violence came to them no and then eventually this is gonna be crazy like eventually
i'm gonna get to be such good friends with goldie that she's actually going to invite me
into her closet and i'm gonna have to like she'll be like oh do you want to see my closet i have this
great closet and be like oh what a fun thing that i've never seen before sure i'd love to do that
and i'll have to act like i haven't been in there right yeah and like i'll be looking at all of our
stuff and pretending like i haven't touched it all and like i'll be making jokes like oh like
oh a crocodile skin bag is it made from real crocodiles and she'll go huh no no it's fake
it's not real because she's a she's a animal lover and uh but i uh it'll be like like extra
thrilling it's like that next level of like stalking thrilling is like being in a place
with the person and they don't know and they don't know you've been there before
you they don't know that like you know that closet like the back of your hand
but she's showing you like you've seen you're seeing it for the first time
would be great.
It would be really cool
if you could train mosquitoes
to go into their room
and
suck their blood out
slowly over time
and then the mosquitoes
come back
and you get the blood
and then you put it in you
slowly over time
until eventually
you were so full of their blood
that you could do
a paternity test
and you could be like
you're not going to believe this.
Like carrier pigeons or something, you're training them.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Wow.
Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow I think But the good thing about the way we stalk is that it good They getting friends out of it Yeah
They're none the wiser.
It's fine.
You just want to be around you and your children.
Yeah.
Well, I think we've done it.
Great celebrity, Joe.
Yeah.
Yay.
That wraps up Stalking Oprah.
And you get a stalker.
and you get a stalker and you get a stalker.
I like how it's called Stalking Oprah
and it's not about Oprah.
Well, Oprah is, she's just a great catch-all.
Like someone that's clearly famous.
You're right, Francis?
Yeah, I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Yeah, someone that's just like,
it's just like, oh, well, I know what this means.
It's celebrity.
Yeah, you're right.
Sorry, I overthought it.
Oprah if you're listening and we know you are
we're not gonna stalk you
that's just for Goldie
yeah you're too big of a target
yeah she definitely has
security all the time
yeah and she travels too much
I don't have travel money
you gotta stay local
I need to know where to find you
we're hobbyists
this isn't a full time thing for us
this isn't the bodyguard
alright well
it's time for one final segment
the big question.
The question is very big.
Big question.
Do you have one?
I don't.
I really should have checked with you first
if you had one.
Do you have one?
Let me just spitball here.
It better not be your word
because you said it earlier.
What?
I'm not saying that again.
Anyway, so let's see.
What if the question was
you are
have you ever seen Bowfinger?
Yes
once a long time ago.
He was
he was like lying about
getting a movie made so he like hobbled
together using lies.
Yeah.
If you were going
to
get in with
since we're on the topic of celebrities let's say name me a celebrity that you know and like
keanu reeves oh great choice thanks so you gotta like you gotta get a movie made with keanu reeves
yeah um but you're not a well-known director yeah what do you do to make to like up the chances that
he's gonna like accept your project or sign on to your project you know how do you get into the mind
of Keanu.
Well,
first I'd slash
Kurt Russell's tires.
Um,
but without,
I mean,
I'm still allowed
to like direct
things and.
Yeah,
you're the,
you're the puppeteer.
You just need to get him involved.
But he doesn't know you.
Um,
I start
directing like
really like targeted
niche
like little vignettes
that just happen to be like
all the things that he really likes
like um
like zen wisdom things
surfing
uh
like the matrix yeah um dogs really niche things like dogs uh uh no but i i basically take his
interest and i start actually uh because i am a good director like it's i'm still a good director
yeah you're talented yeah you all know it um thank you um and i
start
I start
yeah I make them based on
things that he is really into and really
likes right so I'm gonna have to do a little stalking
of Keanu here luckily you've
trained I'm yeah yeah the
training kicks in I stalk
Keanu I um you ever heard of
the biter Meinhoff
thing that sounds so familiar
it's uh it's when
you like learn about something right and once you learn about it you start hearing it or seeing it
all the time oh like how when i got my dog i'd never seen one before and then i got home and
there was like five in the neighborhood yeah yeah it's like suddenly like it's it's like
things are happening in the world that you don't uh recognize until it like becomes front of mind
for you and then it's like then you see that it's been around you all the time um i don't know where
i was going with this uh fighter meinhof yeah okay so i'm gonna find things like where maybe
it's like he's like something new that he sees and then i'm gonna start creating like little like
drips of it around him so that he's like suddenly like wow i'm seeing this everywhere
and then i'm gonna like then so he's like now he's like more aware of like um
like something like not not this but something like you know like a restaurant has a cranberry
latte on their menu it's like cranberry latte that sounds crazy and gross but then he's gonna
start seeing i'm gonna start like inserting like different cranberry unexpected cranberry things
around so that he's suddenly like what is this cranberry craze and then it's gonna start he's
gonna start seeing it so he's gonna start looking it up so it's gonna become part of his algorithm
and then he's gonna see my beautifully directed like cranberries and everything real or whatever
and he's gonna be like well this was really gorgeous and like this is kind of like the
pinnacle of like this like cranberries cranberries everywhere and then suddenly he sees this like
thing it's like yeah right i'm gonna start doing that with a lot and then he's gonna be like
these have kind of this like same feel to it like there's that cranberry video and this is jenna
jubes director yeah yeah okay yeah jenna jubes i like the sound of that um yeah then
then he's gonna he's gonna look me up yeah and then jennajubes.com yeah
um after sifting through some not safe for work sites first i'll make it to jenna's website
he's and he's gonna accidentally go to jennasboobs.com
but which is only gonna help you yeah and then later we'll have a laugh about it it'll be like
i was looking for you and i accidentally found this and it was like ah it's still my girlfriend
no no no that's not what i meant i wasn't doing that um and um sorry about that that website was
than when I was in college.
They're perkier now.
Then,
yes, I think it's still my website,
not somebody else's.
But even those will be like
really artfully directed.
So they're going to have...
Cranberries all around.
Yep.
Tastefully placed cranberries.
Zombie by the cranberries.
Yeah.
Then he's going to seek me out.
And he's just going to be like, hey, I really like what you're like.
If you ever have an opportunity to work together, like, I'd be like, I would love that.
I love you.
I think you're so talented.
But, you know, I really do more of these like kind of like think pieces.
They don't really have actors in them.
I'm sorry.
But I'll get back.
You know, if anything ever changes.
Then I like wait.
wait like i we become kind of like like social media friends like we send each other like dm
each other some stuff and like we become friendly that way i let that simmer for like a year
and then i am like kiana we need to talk in person and then he's like great yes great let's do it
let's meet up and then uh we go to that same restaurant we need that same restaurant with
the cranberry lattes um i'm drinking one when he gets there and he's like thinks that's a weird sign
like i i heard about this like a year ago and it was like the weirdest thing to me and i'm like
yeah they're terrible but i had to try one how do you not i'm adventurous right and he'd be like
i'm adventurous too be like i we we have so much in common and then i'm gonna slide a script across
and be like this was so compelling to me and that it's like i'm gonna do like a scripted movie for
the first time ever uh the and you're the only person that i want to do this with like i'm not
gonna do this unless you're attached and at this point in time he loves my work so he's like and
you're friends and we're friends um and then he's like yeah well like the world needs to see your
broader like your talent like you can't just be contained to these vignettes you need a feature
like yes i'm i want to do that i want to be a part of this and then that's how i do it that would
work on me yeah i think so are you now thinking about it like about a year ago when um wait a
minute like oh france and then and then i suggested we do a podcast like a little bit later
Mike but you're the only one I'd do it with
I think I did say that
oh my god wow
you know what I'm okay
I'm Stockholm
I remember how I told you to go to jettasboobs.com
you don't know what I've done
great job
thanks
cool
how would you do it
well we don't have time for that
okay
alright
but your idea was great
thanks
well
I guess then that wraps up
the big question
one final bit of business
here we go
this is the stakes are rising on this last bit
I feel like yeah I know I really
want to get this right
I have to pee now from nervousness
okay well I know you like peeing on things
but wait not in this is a
sacred space okay thank you this is like
cow temple
do you
have
I only have a couple guesses
and these guesses scare me
I'm going to say them
the first guess I
oh I really have to pee now
the first guess I have is
impede
oh because
no
impede
that's going to be you
in a minute
oh I didn't even do that
so that wasn't
nope
I feel like this could be a decoy situation
but I'm going to
I'm going to say sentience
nope
nothing
nope nothing
okay then
I'm out. That's all you got?
Everything else just seemed to flow.
Wow, really?
There was one thing I said that was very awkward.
That was my decoy word.
I'm glad I didn't pick up on it.
What was your word?
My word was blatantly.
I feel like that's such a
hard word to get someone to guess because it's
such a common
like it's such a well used word, you know?
Except I used it a little awkwardly
I think. I said that
we've changed the invention enough
that you haven't blatantly ripped off the place
near your grandma's.
I think that's fine. Yeah. Okay.
And my decoy word
was crocodiles.
See, I just assumed
she would have crocodile bags.
Yeah. And you were talking about the closet.
Yeah, I know.
Huh.
I, uh, yeah.
Are they made from real crocodiles?
see I just thought
I was so into the bit
that made perfect sense
alright well I have some guesses for you
you do?
I'm scared
I'm worried one of them is going to be your decoy word
I'm worried none of them is your real word
and that one of them is your decoy word
these are normal fears
alright I'm going to start with
Wildcats
no
it's a great movie
I think it's got
is Woody Harrelson in that movie?
why am I saying that?
I'm not familiar with the movie
that could be a lie
sorry Woody
or it could be true
hey Woody
um
orphaned
decoy word
no
damn
you said it so awkwardly
I know
I lured you
you did
did you see me write something down
shortly after that?
Were you very excited when you saw it right?
I guess, and I was also trying to not, like, you know, give it away.
Rub your hands together.
I have two other guesses for your word.
Okay.
Mosquitoes?
No.
I hate those things.
Paternity?
No.
Oh.
I think you're going to laugh when you hear the word.
Okay.
Omelets.
Oh, no.
What a terrible day for me.
Oh, and I said it too.
Yeah, I was really nervous trying to throw that in like at the right time and hoping it landed.
It was, yeah, it was so perfect.
Oof.
Damn.
Man, you got all the points possible.
Yeah, well, because at first I said...
Well, you didn't guess mine.
No, that would have been most possible.
you got a point because I guessed your decoy
and you got
well I know I guess
I said your decoy point for me
yeah we all said our words
points for us
and you said
my word
and I said your word
and I had to like fish it in
again because when I tried to get you to
say it you said
omelet and I was like
no it's got to be omelets so i had to like say it again to get you in you got me to say it
again and pluralized yeah but the first one doesn't mean anything yeah oh man i had to
come back last week was rough for me wow oh well folks go to jenna's boobs.com if you want to check
out the point total.
Just kidding.
Go to veryfinefriends.com
to see how much farther ahead
Francis is than me.
And
go to
social media at
veryfinefriends
to
just tell me
how sad you are
that I didn't get any points
on that.
I would really appreciate
the encouragement.
And
have a great day.
Yeah.
And also that.
All right.
see you next time
bye