so yesterday i was playing pickleball at a public park with some friends all of a sudden we hear a
like oh they're getting closer and then it's like oh they're all in the parking lot of the park
there was easily like no less than 12 cop cars in the parking lot of this park that we were at
and we hear shouting from the cops like get on the ground get on the ground now put your arms out
like an airplane get on the ground uncanny i know it was quite a like hullabaloo apparently there was
we we heard from somebody else like it was it was a situation where it was like we weren't that close
to it um but we weren't that close to it but we were within definitely like the cops were like
pointing our way and it felt like i bet you there's a lot of cops with guns drawn right now
pointing in our direction i hope you kept playing uh well after eventually we did yeah joe was there
as well um yeah eventually we did but at first it was like uh but it was also like we can't just
leave because the cop cars are all around all of our cars so we can't go anywhere anyway
some other fellow park goer said that he thought it was like two guys got into a fight and one of
them had a gun and then someone called the cops but the cops got there super fast i mean there
was like 15 cop cars and they got there like immediately shout out to tempe police department
mesa mesa police oh x nay get tempe get your act together tempe police if you're listening and we
know you are get it together be more like mesa pd i'd like to apologize to the mesa police
department i didn't know they'll be roughing you up later i'll be putting my arms out like an
airplane anyway it was um exciting and even when we did finally leave when we thought it like had
died down enough uh we still had to wait a few minutes before they were like letting people exit
the park so what if it was for you guys and they actually had reserved the pickleball court and
they just came to intimidate you and so they they drove us off the court yeah but you were like
respecting them so they they found someone else to pin it on that's possible in fact that's
probable yeah i bet you that's exactly what happened i mean obviously everyone knows that
cops especially in mesa love pickleball that's true definitely the firemen do we've seen firemen
out there before oh really but then so then not hot ones to clarify no not hot ones really
disappointing that goes against my expectations i know i don't know how they ever got hired
Then today, a friend of ours that was also there looked it up.
I guess there's some kind of a crime map that you can look things up at.
Anyway, apparently it was assaults with a deadly weapon
because it was assault with a vehicle and a stick.
That's how it was described.
So I don't know which one of those was the deadly weapon, but one of them was.
I can think of a few ways a stick can be more dangerous than a vehicle.
Yeah.
we're not going to talk we're not no well i'm thinking of some right now
yeah i'm thinking i'm zooming them out you telepathically oh oh you're right francis
that is more dangerous that information
anyway so that was that was my night that was that's harrowing anytime the police show up
and there were so many of them i can't like i can't state like two per car i i don't know how
many i mean i'm just i the the number of cars was at least 15 squad cars well they should all be
carpooling i'm assuming there's two per car isn't that usually how it goes too i mean you don't be
bored all day you need a friend in the car yeah that's true that's usually how the cops do things
oh i wonder if the one that's not driving ever sits in the back and pretends to be a prisoner
Oh no.
No, he's the audio man.
The person who's not driving picks the music.
Oh, yes.
The police have very strict rules about that.
Yeah.
Welcome to Very Fine Friends, a podcast where friends talk about stuff.
How are you, Francis?
Me?
Yeah, you.
I'm walking on a cloud.
Oh, well, be careful.
I know.
Those are not dense enough.
I'm back.
Oh, okay.
Oh, thank God.
And you're good?
I am good.
Yes, I am doing well.
Thank you.
Which is weird.
I hope, I don't know if the listeners can hear this.
There are now many, many sirens in the background right now.
Mesa PD's coming to get you for thinking it was Tempe PD.
I'm ready.
I'm done being alive.
I don't know.
I assume they're just going to kill me.
Suicide by cop?
Yeah.
I'll just quickly take out two finger guns.
Well, that'll probably work.
Jumpy crowd, aren't they?
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
and right before we die we add up all the points and then we get a prize whoever has the most points
for guessing the most secret words here's joe with today's secret words jenna's secret word is
procrastination jenna's decoy word is synapses francis's secret word is purification francis's
decoy word is cancellations back to the podcast uh well let's get into our first segment which is
as always the invention of the week
inventions
what do you got for me francis okay i'll tell you thank you okay i'm gonna give you a choice
Oh.
Do you want an invention that has to do with old people?
Or do you want an invention that has to do with friends?
Like getting rid of old people?
No hints.
Okay.
I'm going to go.
Well, we'll hear them both eventually, right?
Maybe.
I'm going to go with the old people one.
Okay.
You're going to love this.
Good.
You know how we worry about the elderly?
I do know that.
you know how there's,
I almost said,
I think you can dance.
Um,
what's that thing?
Life alert.
You know,
there's a life alert,
by the way,
sidebar.
Every time that commercial comes on,
my dad does it.
He does the voice.
What is the voice?
He's always just like,
I've fallen.
Oh,
that one.
Yeah.
I can't get up.
Yeah.
So he's familiar with it.
Um,
I was thinking the other day,
that's one way to do it.
Sure.
I have a substitute.
the substitute is a a hook
okay
hold on now right now i'm i'm i'm going with the assumption that it's a shepherd's crook that
they like like the kind they use to pull vaudeville performers off the stage just
dragging old people around that could no that's not it oh but i like it thank you um this is more
of a hooks onto them.
Like a meat hook? Yeah.
Technically it is.
Anyway, there is a system
of tracks in the
house that just, that goes
I knew it.
You love a good system
of tracks.
This is totally new and fresh.
I might even say
proprietary.
Let me tell you how it's proprietary. You're going to love this.
This is proprietary because
you know how when you like you're thinking oh if you have to turn the tracks have to be on right
angles and like oh that's a lot of right angles no i just invented something proprietary to fix
that it's like it's like a shape like a spade at the where things converge and so when they walk
the the thing just goes with them wherever direction they go and it goes into the next track
okay anyway so if if they fall it actually will hold them up
um so this is all to prevent people from falling period so you're you're saying let's get in before
the fall happens i'm well i'm saying you know if we'll catch you like with life alert sorry to say
their main their main disadvantage is the old person falls does it this is real ounce of
prevention is worth a pound of cure kind of invention yeah does it move the people won't
move the old people for them like is it just kind of like oh you want our advanced system
or the advanced package yeah yeah time for you to go to the kitchen yeah you could there could
be a remote it could be like the thing for the stairs but not for stairs and you could push where
you want to go this is morbid but my thought right now is i'm picturing they're dead they're
dead and hanging or like just moving between room room to room dead oh wow that's interesting
thank you i don't know if that's a negative yeah like when we like it if grandma could
move one more time well but what if it's like the neighbors are like i haven't seen geraldine in a
long time but i've heard her moving in there so i see her in the curtains she's fine like like at
home alone when he has the party he's got like fake having a lot of guests there yeah um don't
you think this is nice and they could they could wear a jumper that's connected to it as well
everyone loves a jumper this could be really fun for recreational use too for non-olds
true this does have mass widespread appeal yeah i think
i think um people would just be riding this all the time you'd have kids wanting to do this
oh that's good because you could as a parent you could lock them in one position i gotta run out
to the car real quick beep you're not moving you're just hanging there yeah okay
how do they get in and out of this contract you said as a hook yeah all right so they're hanging
from this hook yeah they just got to put a belt on to connect to the hook or they could wear a
jumper that has a hook receptacle on it let's say they fall and then they're just like oh no
that was a good imitation yeah how do they grandma how do they get off the hook the system
alerts next of kin so like a life alert system uh no okay it's similar to the inspiration for
that but totally different in the sense that um they don't have to fall first so basically
the loved one is just being alerted that they're stuck in a really funny way rather than that
they've been that they've fallen well think about it if they if they fall if they almost
fall and then my amazing system stops that they could just they didn't fall so they can like get
their footing again oh okay um or they can just like pull themselves up a little bit from the cable That requiring probably a lot of upper body strength for these old people
It takes a lot to, like, pull your own body weight up.
The system comes with two five-pound dumbbells.
So help you work out when you're not.
Yeah, help me help you.
You know?
so to recap it's a tracked system around your house that you hang from
so that you don't fall on the ground great yeah but if you fall enough that you're now stuck
hanging from this hook there's a button that you press that alerts somebody that you need help
yeah if you can't do it on your own okay it also comes with a megaphone
and two five dumbbells yeah we're prepared we're kicking life alert right out of business
and a jumper yeah everyone the jumper is an upgrade but everyone's gonna want it because
you can only get it from us wait do you mean jumper like
like a like a body like a okay not like jumper like the way the british say sweater
like a cute sweater no i don't um it's like what you said before but it also has um
uh poop and p-flaps okay well so it's like a a big onesie for like like a baby's onesie
yeah that's it that's yeah uh does this invention have a name i'm open to suggestions i think i
want to do something with hips because we're saving the hips because you know when people
fall they will they could potentially break their hips and hip also means cool so i was thinking like
your hips but yours and possessive uh your hips don't life alert oh no my hips don't lie
flirt
hips do fly
hips don't fly
hips
no no chip
no chip hips
you're up
hip to be
there
hip to be square
hip to be there
um
hip to be hoisted up in the air what about just something let's just go simple got your back
got your back like i got your back and also you're never gonna be able to get off this thing
so your back belongs no you're no i'm sorry we need to clear this up right now
you could if let's make a picture oh god oh oh oh oh my goodness like it pulled
because it detected a fall.
And then obviously there's a motor somewhere,
and because it pulled, it pulls you up more so you can stand,
and then it goes back to its normal position.
Using your proprietary technology.
Yes, yes, patented.
Okay, wow, good job on getting that patent.
Hip baby.
Hip baby?
That sounds like hip baby.
hit me baby one more time
personal space
because it's kind of like you're in space
you're floating around in space but it's just yours
it's your personal space
I don't know about that one
I'm also kind of picturing this like old people
like at a dry cleaners
where they just are like revolving
you go to visit at the home
and it's literally like which one's yours?
do you have a ticket?
i'm sorry we can't release your grandma without the ticket yeah so would you love it would i love
it that's a weird way to ask that um you'd write it i would write it for sure and again
another one in the i definitely want to see people using it category
old people if you're listening don't die before this comes out okay cancel your subscriptions
to what?
That which shall not be named for legal purposes.
You mean the thing you've already named?
I don't know.
It rhymes with
Schmeif-a-Bert.
You're giving it away.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Don't take legal action against me, Schmeif-a-Bert.
It's a winner. I know.
Yep.
this is going to be in
in every home
I'm sure of it
yeah it'll actually be a selling feature
yeah it won't get in the way of any loose tubes
will it?
no the tubes come from the corner
the track runs in the middle
actually you could get a deal if you get them both
oh good if you packaged
old people are very thirsty
act now old people
go to
veryfinefriends.com
and you'll find
all the information you need to buy this complete set.
Yes.
And if anyone calls you out of the blue,
please feel free to give them your credit card information.
Yes, that's just probably one of our representatives
making sure you don't miss out on this great, great offer.
Yes.
You have to act now.
Or they could be gone.
Oh, we've only got three left.
Oh, and then if you act now,
we'll throw in this commemorative coin of dick van dyke oh richard yep he uh he's kind of like
your king right old people no i think it would be more like i'm thinking about my dad always talks
about like i don't know like who's old dick van dyke okay you win i can't think of anyone else
you can't think of one single other old people but i'm sure you're out there and if you are buy
our thing buy our hip or hippie hippie hippie up uh you're looking a little hippie
not our girl
as always thank you for considering
and as always thank you for inventing something
that I want to see people using
there's a lot of comedic effect to a lot of your inventions
and I appreciate that
of course comedic and practical
well of course I mean that goes without saying
that wraps up
the invention of the week
oh my gosh i just got an alert our website crashed oh my god with all the people that are going to
to buy a got your back hippie hips don't we told them to go fast it's not it's not our fault we did
warn them uh this is the don't go too fast old people you might trip before you get this yeah
and then you'll be face down on the nullium and then how will anyone
how will anyone find you?
They won't.
Your cats will eat your face.
On the other hand,
I don't want you to go fast,
but I also don't recommend procrastination.
So go quickly.
No.
Why don't you have your phone?
Yeah, you idiots.
It should be in your pocket.
What are you doing?
Get that giant button phone of yours out
and call now.
Yes.
God.
Do we have to do everything for you?
I mean, we will.
but we'd like to not have to god well now i'm angry yeah you know what if there's any cancellations
we'll call you and let you know we're back in stock yeah we don't you don't deserve our product
just kidding that was all a big joke
we love you old people yeah squishy old people um squishy hippie yeah you're squishy you're hippie
him we love you oh no all right well that wraps up the invention of the week all right well i think
it is time for our next segment you got the goods kid
kid you've got the goods
i don't know why i thought you were gonna say you got mail
you knew what the name of the segment was
I know I'm stupid
that's okay
I'm not going to reassure you
thank you
alright
in this segment our producer
Joe is going to give me a product
to sell
and I will have to try and sell
Francis on this product
and I'm not in the mood to buy
I know old people made us angry
I'm not in the mood to sell quite frankly
Let's just get this over with.
All right.
All right, Jenna, you are selling Avon moisturizer.
Oh, well, that sells itself.
To Francis, who will be the leader of a local group of safari hunters in the Savannah desert.
My dream.
I know.
thank you um mr reginald von fleet thank you so much for taking the time to um
to meet with me today excuse me i can't believe i get to actually meet you in person
i promised my dying wife i'd make time for one salesperson today and i hate salespeople
oh oh well i appreciate that you picked me and i promise i will all change your mind about
salespeople. You're gonna like me by the end of this,
I swear.
Well, you better make it snappy because I have a
rhinoceros to kill.
Oh, I
can't wait.
So,
before you go out on
safari,
do you ever think to yourself,
man, I'm dry.
Dry on safari?
I mean,
it's in a desert.
No, the African sun
is the wettest sun on earth.
How many times has this happened to you?
Go on.
You've got your elephant gun.
You're in your britches,
the big khaki britches
with the little tent things on the side.
Yes, they're called tent bridge.
Yes, tent bridge, yes.
You get them from Kohl's.
Kohl's is such a great store.
It has such a wide variety of products.
It's the best.
What they don't have, though, is something that I can sell you that will help when you're in this scenario.
Do you ever walk around with your safari buddies and you're hunting and you think to yourself, I'm going to get me a croc today?
Yes, yes. Every Tuesday is croc day.
Yes. And you, oh, out there in the distance, you spot one.
Yes, yes.
Oh, it's just sitting there. It's ready for you.
Oh, it wants to be killed.
So you take out your gun.
Your aim is as pure as your heart.
You fire.
And then all of a sudden you hear,
Ah!
Oh no.
You've accidentally shot Jeff.
It wasn't a crocodile after all.
It was Jeff with his dry, dry skin.
His scaly, scaly skin.
Oh, if only he had been moisturized, you wouldn't have mistaken him for a crocodile.
And you'd still have your friend Jeff to this day.
How many times has that happened to you?
So far, none.
But Jeff signed a DNR.
Jeff wants to die.
That's not what a DNR is.
So your game is, I need this moisturizer?
So that I don't mistake someone for a crocodile?
That one of the things that it useful for Let me look at this picture of my wife for a moment Susie Look at Susie
Look at how...
Don't talk about Susie.
All right.
I'm willing to give you one more chance.
Okay.
Is there anything special about this?
Moisturize your...
Yes.
How many times have you been maybe a few whiskeys in?
You're at the club.
Yes, yes.
And you see a fair young maiden across the bar.
Very maiden.
Yes.
And you think to yourself, my, I think I'd like to make my acquaintance with that fair young maiden.
And so you go over and you approach.
And she giggles.
As maidens do.
Oh, sir.
Why, you look so strong.
How was your safari today?
Oh, this is hot.
Go on.
Why, I would like to feel your hands upon mine supple face.
My hands?
On your face?
Yes, yes.
Let's do it now.
oh no my face no you ruined my face with your rough rough hands no one will love me now i'm
disfigured i wanted to cheat and so once again you're left with susie because the poor maiden
you've ruined her visage with your rough rough hands how many times has that happened to you
twice i really love to cheat and my wife doesn't let me touch her face with this moisturizer
the ladies will practically throw their faces onto your hand sounds like a slap of sorts
in a way it's a reverse slap that's the face hitting the hand okay well it sounds which is
way sexier than the other way around no i wouldn't i would never want to be caught doing that yeah
so as you can see it has moisturizer more ladies more jeff more ladies
hmm hmm let me think about this alone hmm hmm hmm uh did you introduce yourself i'd like to call
you by your first name uh oh no i'm sorry salesman 101 i i missed it don't let this
besmirch the name of other salesmen though uh my name is doug doug the salesman wimper schmidt
Doug Wimper Schmidt
Okay
Hmm
I was liking the product a second
Wimper Schmidt?
Yes
I think you changed that, you know
What? That's the name of my father
I'm a proud Wimper Schmidt
Well, you can pretend to be French
You can be
Wimpyash
Never mind, I've never been to France
It sounds okay, I'll admit
You've really come around
I was going to throw you out on your face.
I need a product that has more than just one or two uses.
Tell me about its benefits, its cost.
Does it have purification properties?
Yes, it does.
When you are, as it says in the Bible,
when your skin is moist, your soul is pure.
That's Leviticus.
1291 yes yes i know it well yes my bedtime verse it's purifying for your soul to be moist also
have you ever wanted to drive in the carpool lane and you're alone in the car yes every day uh there's
a carpool lane runs all the way through africa and i can never use it oh well the good news is
as you can see from the bottle.
Oh, big. It's a big bottle.
It's a big bottle that's shaped like a human man.
Fully to scale.
Wow. Kind of looks like me.
That was no accident, sir. You're quite a handsome fellow.
Doug.
Reginald. May I call you Reginald?
You may.
Thank you.
We designed it after you
because there's nothing prouder
and moister
than a Reginald von Fleet.
You've won me over, Doug,
Wimper Schmidt.
Against my better judgment,
we really should thank my wife for this.
Susie?
Yeah.
Is she here?
Yeah, she's here.
Can I thank her?
One minute.
Reggie, who's at the door?
A very moist man, my love.
Oh, do you think
he'll put his hands upon me?
my face.
Doug, you need to leave.
Only I can cheat in this house.
No.
Well, I think I made the sale.
Oh, you made the sale.
No more dead friends
and unlimited
women's faces upon my hand.
Bless you, Doug.
And don't forget, you have to get in places faster
because of that carpool lane.
Oh, that's right.
God bless you.
Thank you.
Now, have I changed your mind?
Yes.
Squirt me, buddy.
Wow.
It burns!
Douglas!
Oh.
Oh, no!
Oh, I'm ugly.
Oh, I'm disfigured.
Ha ha ha ha!
You shot my father on a safari once.
Whippersmith!
I knew it!
Ha ha ha!
My revenge is complete.
Come on, Susie.
No.
I'm going with the man who took revenge on you.
I'll kill you, bitch.
Feel my hand upon your face.
I'm a cook.
Wow, I feel like we know exactly how to sell moisturizer.
That makes me want to pet an elephant.
Oh, okay.
Should we go to the zoo after this?
Do they have one?
An elephant?
Yeah, they got elephants.
Do they let you pet them?
If they don't, they'll start today.
Yeah, we'll just threaten to leave.
uh we'll sneak in oh that works we'll dress we'll dress up we'll dress up like an elephant
what if they put us in there well that's the idea they put us in there and then they're like well
time to go look at the bears now only elephants in there and then we get out of our elephant costume
and then they come back and we're just petting away with our new moisturizer yeah we know they
don't take care of you we'll do it they come back and they don't even recognize the elephants they're
so moist they look like big embryos ew i hope not that's creepy my bad
um all right well i think that was a very successful segment you sold me you got the goods kid
now it's time for our final segment
the big question the question is very big
francis i hope you have a big question for me i do have a big question good
uh okay my big my big question is let's say you're in uh king times okay okay and you are a
you're like an advisor to the king or you're like somehow in the king's orbit all right but you're
power hungry yeah yeah you want power yeah how would you overthrow the king and become the king
hmm okay so if you overthrow the king it's got to be like a lineage situation and like that's how
kings normally are created right like it's like oh whoever's related to the last king they get to
be the next king so i'm assuming i'm not related no you're not related okay so then this needs to
be a coup by the people the people need to then install me as king okay i would
start by first of all flattering the king big time getting making sure that he and i are best
friends um i'm a yes man but like i'm a yes man in the good way where every now and then i throw
in a no so he feels like this is the one that i could trust like you're okay this person's really
helping me yeah um then alternately i would go to the people and i would create some kind of a
problem that would sow dissent among the peasants let's see what kind of a problem would i want to
create.
People love food.
They do love food.
And they hate fleas.
That's just two ideas.
Thank you.
Food fleas.
I would say,
okay, I would tell people that
the
king is trying to
that, did you hear what he's
trying to do? He's trying to
take over a little bit of everybody's land by uh he's going to come in and he's going to take a
stake of everybody's land uh even if you just have a little hovel a corner of it will be his
and uh he will come through every day and he will be standing in a corner of your hovel
and you can't do anything about it because he's the king he's the king and he's just taking it
it's like an eminent domain situation this will be like people will be like what okay
fine i guess what are we gonna do he's the king i guess all this land technically belongs to him
or you know so he says it's all his land so then okay fine they're they're all right with that
i tell the king hey the people are disappointed they're not getting enough face time with you i
think to help really sell yourself as a benevolent leader you need to go onto their land get like pay
a little personal visit to everybody and he's kind of insecure but he trusts you he trusts me yeah and
he is a bit he is he's worried that he he wants to be seen as a man of the people like he wants
to be one of those like cool kings that like like the that is beloved he's beloved he like cries at
night imagining that world yes cries with tears of joy yeah um so so that he's like okay yeah
that's a good idea like it's a little like outreach program he doesn't know that the peasants think
that he's taking things from them he thinks this is what they want that he's just going there and
he's giving them all a little face time you know like make them feel important so they do this for
a while the peasants again they're a little annoyed by it but they're fine with it because
it's like well it's his land what are we gonna do after a while i tell the king
they're getting a little too the face time is becoming a little too common now
what they really want
is close-up magic
They want to be entertained.
Yeah.
Right?
So I recommend close-up magic.
And the king is like, whoa, what were you a jester in another life?
Hello, this is a great idea.
Because then they love me even more because I bringing them joy in the middle of their farming slash play game But it looks like he just rubbing it in Well then here the thing So I go to the people
Before he starts his little magic campaign,
I tell the people,
I'm a little worried the king is possessed.
Oh.
And I'm worried.
I was like that he, something is going on.
There might be something dark in him.
and then just like,
and if that's the case,
then he's no longer the king,
right?
Right.
Because something's possessed him.
He's no longer himself.
And it's not coming from you.
No, that's just law.
That is just law.
If you're possessed,
that's not you anymore.
Yeah, that's implied
in every civilization ever.
Yes.
I mean,
and that's why demons possess people.
To be king.
Well, and just to be,
you know, to take over.
Right.
What else is there to do?
They're not like possessing you
and then just sitting quietly back
and just like watching and observing.
No, they want to do stuff.
They want to do stuff.
They want to take over.
Right.
So everybody knows this.
Right.
And it's like, but you can't confront him on it
because that's like law of demonology.
Like you need to be a special clergy to interfere.
So it's like, I'm a little worried about this.
Just let me know if you see any signs.
Right.
So the king's making his rounds every day
and then he starts pulling a coin
from behind a little boy's ear and everyone's freaked out or you know like uh oh no oh he's
oh look he's just pulling the handkerchief after handkerchief out of his sleeve where are they all
coming from how come it's an endless supply of handkerchiefs eventually the villagers are so
freaked out the king is it he's back i tell him take a night off he's back in his room
imagining how much they must love him crying oh yeah he's crying right he's loving it he's like
you're gonna be the god in history is the most amazing king ever they're gonna write sonnets
about you and make a statue out of you meanwhile i've i've gone to the villagers and i've said
like hey how's it going how how's how is everybody doing let's just have a little town hall and rap
with each other, you know?
This is just a catch-up, just to see how everyone's doing.
And then now they're like,
oh my God, you were right.
Something is going on.
Look at this,
look at this quarter he pulled from my son's ear.
Ah!
Okay?
And then I'm like, oh my God,
he's no longer himself anymore.
I can't believe it.
I,
we're gonna have to do something immediately.
Quick, come with me.
Then we all storm the castle.
We sadly have to kill the king.
It had to be done.
That's the only good way.
You could have had Black Plague for all we know.
Yeah.
Demon Plague.
I know.
Demon Plague.
So then they kill the king.
And then I'm like, you guys, that was so, you did such a good job.
Oh, man, but we don't have a king now.
I'm just going to put this king's robe on so it doesn't touch the floor.
and and and then they're gonna be looking at me like kind of funny and they're like
purple looks pretty good on you
and you handled that with aplomb and i could see it like i could see it start like you i'm looking
in their eyes and i don't want to push anything no no this is delicate but i can see the synapses
in their in their brain are firing and then you pick up the scepter and then and then i'm like oh
shoot this was on the ground oh no here and then and then i'm holding it and then um and then i i
trip on the robe and then i as i fall my head lands directly on the crown and then i stand back
up and then suddenly i'm holding and they're like and then the people are all like you just gave me
a really good idea for who could be king and you're still like huh oh who is it i can't wait
to find out what you mean booze and then they go you and i go no and then i feign humility for a
little bit i can't i'm a servant no no no i'm here to serve you the people and then they're like see
just because you don't want it that means you should have it and then i finally after some
prodding i go all right if you want and then and somewhere far in the back it's my king yep
and then they all chant my name which is jenna
king jenna love it yeah and yeah i think that would work actually thank you people love to be
deceived and except for the king dying at the end it's mostly non-violent well he was gonna die
anyway and kings do die by violence it's kind of their lot in life yeah maybe you don't do magic
yeah yeah yeah don't do magic kings kings if you're listening and we know you are
word of warning don't do magic it'll freak out your subjects and your purple coat will go to
someone else yep it doesn't matter how good you look in purple someone else looks good in purple
too yeah anyway so that's how i do it thank you that's brilliant thanks is it cool if i take that
idea if it ever comes up sure thanks and then i'll just do it again to you if i ever want to be king
okay i'll forget all about it though that's the beauty of this plan is that it uh immediately your
your memory slate is wiped clean once you take control of the throne oh yeah you forget how you
does that yeah yeah did you have a way of doing it um that's better than mine i didn't really have
everything solid i was just gonna maybe i just need to really reflect because i was just gonna
sleep with the king and then he just give it to you well if if we marry and then he dies
i'm the king i think that makes you the queen
um no because in this medieval society people love gay kings
oh yeah it's a sign of it's an enlightened medieval society yeah they're like wow okay
so i would probably i'd fright feed him a bunch of stimulants and then
you know and then he would his heart would pop and then of course i'd be like oh no my king
my king but i've got the ring well there's a king ring yeah the king
puts it on you.
Oh,
oh,
you're reading like your wedding.
Yeah,
like here,
don't worry,
this is all legit.
And then I throw his body
over the balcony
so the people could mourn
his now shattered corpse.
And that's it.
Okay.
Here,
mourn him.
Get the shit out of my room.
I think both of our plans
would work.
I look forward to...
We'll do it in competing villages
and we'll see.
Okay.
How it goes.
I like that.
Yeah.
We'll see if our villages are friends.
We'll make them friends.
Also, once again, lots of sirens in the background.
I don't know what is going on.
We could be in a coma.
And this could be a dream.
Oh, interesting.
Me too.
That would be a fun little coma.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
I hope I'm in a coma forever with you guys.
Aw.
Thank you.
What if you are and I don't exist?
You just made me up.
Oh, then I really don't want to wake up.
Aw.
What fresh hell would my life be?
That's really sweet.
This is all true.
Listeners, if you're in a coma, and we know you are, don't wake up.
Just don't do it.
Stay asleep.
What's so good about being awake?
Nothing.
Why am I fat in my coma?
You're not.
Oh, maybe it's so that I keep believing it's a coma, so I don't question it.
It's like a touchstone, like a touchpoint or whatever?
Yeah, it's like this is a fact he identifies with.
well listeners if you have a different way of how you overthrow the king let us know you can either
go to our website very fine friends.com or follow us across all social media at very fine friends
that wraps up the big question the big question wow time for one more thing the big thing the fun
thing so our secret words now listeners something that we did not clarify we've added a new wrinkle
to the secret words we now also have decoy words so if one of so we have a fake we have the real
secret word and we have a fake secret word if we can get the person to guess our fake secret word
we get a point we get point i think we'll get two points for that too because right now as it stands
if you guess somebody's secret word you get two points for that oh because it it should count more
yeah yeah because you still get a point for saying it yeah i know that we had some confusion about the
scoring system on the last one yeah if you say your secret word no matter what you get a point
but if your secret word gets guessed the guesser gets two points to help cancel that out yeah
makes sense um so also if you get someone to guess your secret word or you're not your decoy word
you get two points okay so do you have guesses i know i saw you writing things down i have one
guess for what your word is okay okay was your secret word hullabaloo it was not i saw you write
that down was that your decoy word nope thank god thank god was uh did you say town hall
i did that's not your word though nope okay when did you say it uh i said it in the invention
invention of the week.
Well,
all right.
Didn't get it,
but I might get some points here.
Yeah,
you might still.
Um,
my secret word was procrastination.
Good one.
Yeah.
I said that the old people,
they shouldn't go too fast,
but I don't encourage procrastination either.
That worked out really well.
Yeah.
And I'm not mad at myself.
Do you want to know what my decoy word was?
Yeah.
Synapses.
oh i'm glad i didn't say that i thought you i i really tried to like put it in an awkward context
but it worked though i said the villagers i was a little too good with it yeah you also you were
like oh i see there's synapses uh like you paused which made it like stand out synapses um fiery
to help highlight it didn't work though you want to know my secret word or maybe oh well we haven't
I have to guess.
I almost gave the cow away.
Is your secret word embryos?
No, but I knew you were going to guess that.
Is your secret word linoleum?
No.
Old people do have linoleum.
I know they do, but you had a weird look on your face when you said it.
I think maybe because you slightly mispronounced it.
Yeah, I tripped on that one.
Yeah, but.
Which the old people won't be doing with their hippie.
That's right.
Thanks, Suze.
Anytime, Reggie.
Do you have another one?
I wrote down one more.
Let's hear it.
Stimulants.
No.
Okay.
Darn, I really thought you were going to say my decoy word.
Oh.
So my decoy word was cancellations.
Oh.
Okay, you said that in Invention of the Week.
I did.
And then my real word was purification.
Oh.
Okay.
because of the moisturizer yeah no i just took that in stride
well another week of this very impressive secret word game we play yep we are very impressive
that's it that's another episode thanks for listening bye
you