I had this experience up in Flagstaff one new year and we were, it was bitterly cold.
And I remember because I like holy jeans were in fashion.
So like my knees were exposed and they were like frigid.
And so we all went out, we're drinking all night or whatever.
And then it was time to like go elsewhere, like go to like Denny's or something to like,
you know, de-drunkify.
And their cabs were like hard to find.
and this cab pulled up
and we were not, it wasn't like not our cab.
It was just like, it was there for anyone
but we were not the first people in line.
And these like poor, sweet, like very cold, like co-eds
were like going toward the cab
and we, my friend walked, we walked up to it
and my friend like goes, oh, sorry, this is our cab.
Even though it wasn't.
And the girls were like, oh, please.
Oh, please.
Please, sir.
May I have this cab?
My friend was like, sorry.
And we all go ahead and stole the cab.
And so anyway, we go out to Denny's, whatever.
At the end of the night, we call a cab to take us to our final destination.
And our friend got to sit in the front seat with the cab driver because it was a full cab.
And he was talking about his whole life and his son.
And all of a sudden, he started talking about how his son...
Oh, he introduced himself.
I feel like I'm going to tell you...
Should I tell you his real name?
he's probably
he's listening
yeah
he'll appreciate
well
he'll appreciate
that you remember this
and there's a lot of them
out there
so
okay yeah
this story may or may not be true
okay
all characters in this story
are not based on anyone real
there
his name was Foy
Foy?
Foy
F-O-Y
anyway so
it's important to the story
so his name is Foy
and he introduces himself
and luckily
we're kind of spared in the back
because he's talking to the girl
in the front
so we're all like
thank god
and so he's talking about
his whole life sentence
and um
interesting phraseology
is it?
this whole life sentence
did I say that?
yeah you did
like it's jail
you don't want to know
about the prison
that is Foy's life
for real
because he started talking
and he goes
oh and then I found out
my son's on Crank
oh
and my friend in the front
who was still joking
didn't know what to say
and she goes
Crank Foy?
oh good times
happy new year happy new year very fine friends welcome
it's
2026
wow
happy new year
should we all do a simultaneous gulp for the listeners
yes we have champagne
we're toasting
clink
here I'm going
okay
refreshing
smooth
Tastes like 2026.
Tastes like foy.
Well, happy new year.
I'm excited to be celebrating the new year with you, Francis.
Me too.
You know, if I could just say, I think that our friendship is the equivalent of golden specked goggles made in the shape of a year.
Oh, okay.
Very festive.
oh at first i thought you meant or thought you said made in the shape of an ear
i love to listen to you year right okay new year's goggles um yeah uh with new year's goggles do you
ever think um however makes those like like there's some years that are hard to make into
glasses because they don't have the round
they don't have like the
numbers for it you know what I'm talking about
yeah but if they ever have a hard time
they'll just call in a higher expert
well see that's the thing I wonder if like whoever is
responsible for that if it's like
the guy that had
to do it in the year 2011
was he just like fuck
what do I do
yeah like he spent all
year trying to figure this problem out
yeah I think
I think I just figured it out
If you have weird ones, you just keep the shape of glasses and put the numbers around where the glasses circles go.
Well, but then ever since the millennium, it's like there's going to be a zero where your right eye is.
That's a natural glasses shape.
Why not write about the brown line?
Just in a single straight line.
Like a yuna brow?
That looks like someone wrote it on you.
you know while you were sleeping
that could be good
yeah okay
I'll take this offline
anyway
yeah well
I'm glad that our glasses
our friendship is like those glasses
the gold flecked ones
specifically
and our friendship is like confetti slow motion
falling from the ceiling when someone pulls the
string oh nice
and we don't have to clean it up
even better
and it doesn't stick to us unless we want it to.
It's like that scene in Big Fish where the popcorn's standing still
while he walks through and when he touches it, it falls to the ground.
Her name was Sandra Templeton.
I saw that movie once.
I should watch it again.
You should. We should watch it together.
Sure.
That line is real.
I believe you.
You sounded like Billy Crudup when you said it.
He's not the one who said it.
But that's how you sounded.
Sorry.
I was being sincere.
We're recounting the movie.
Yep.
No, it was Ewan McGregor, right?
Yeah, Ewan McGregor.
Is Billy Crudup in it?
I think so.
Okay.
She's my girl.
Okay.
Oh, I wish the listeners knew.
Sorry, listeners.
Some stories stay within the family, outside of the pod.
Well, I have to say, I'm excited for 2026, but I...
You laugh at that?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was thinking about my secret word.
Oh.
I enjoyed 2025 quite a bit, though.
I had a fun year.
You did?
I did.
I enjoyed it.
That's good.
Yeah, it is good.
What's your favorite part?
We started a podcast, Frances.
It's the highlight of my year, too.
Yeah.
it's it's been a fun ride nope not this year put that gun down i have something to do
um yeah that's great and everyone i've ever talked to listeners i know that they're they'll
all agree with me um whenever i have someone new listen to the podcast that i tell them about it
they all say the same thing what's that oh my god jenna's voice is like radio quality that's so nice
I'm like I know right and they're like oh yours too
and I'm like shut up
I know where the talent is
um
that's nice of them
cause like I think everybody on the planet
I'm not a fan of my own voice so
it's like you know
when you hear yourself back and you're like
oh I know I'm like
hey it's Francis give me a call and then I hear it
and it's like hey girl
it's Francis
what up bitch
I like girl stuff
it's like the phone filter we invented yeah it's taken off by the way
yeah everyone's using it i don't know who's who i'm talking to
um well i'm excited because we're about and listeners you should be excited too
it's time for the inaugural 2026 invention of the week
inventions.
Yeah, very good.
Okay, so
this is
to start the year off right,
I think
we can all agree that
I think we can all agree.
I think I do.
Your honor.
Governor.
What am I doing?
Southern lawyer.
Yes, me.
Southern Francis.
JD.
So, we all want love.
Sure.
Or physical attention.
Sure.
So, this week's invention is pretty good.
Mmm, nice.
You know how people want love?
I do know that.
Off to a good start.
You know how it's hard to trust?
I do know that.
What if there was a way that you could get testimonials about the people that you were going to be dating and or dating?
Okay.
Here's the invention.
It is a proprietary app that is unlike anything you've seen before.
Ooh, okay.
It's not a Facebook thing.
It isn't Hinge, whatever, whatever, whatever.
Here's what it is.
You ready?
Yes.
Okay, I'll tell you.
It is an app where you make an account.
So far, it's like other apps.
So far.
No, I was going to say, this is already blowing me away.
Okay, great.
So, so far.
Why did I say that?
Because of the champagne.
The two sips of champagne.
I am like a light head.
So, hear me out.
You make your account.
And other people make their accounts.
And they answer their questions or whatever, whatever.
we verify certain information about you so like you're gonna have to upload your
id or show your id to like a real person we like verify your height and all that stuff
you talk about your interests your physical type whatever whatever we do your mattress whatever
whatever you go on dates and people rank you based on different things so it's like okay we
Maybe it didn't work out.
But here's some information about the person.
You know?
About their sense of humor.
About their conversation style.
If they were an engaging person.
If they give you the heebie-jeebies.
All sorts of stuff.
But you don't get to see the rating of yourself.
Because we don't want them to know, oh, that Chelsea, who I just went out with, and who I know where she lives, she said that?
I'm getting back in the car.
You know we want to prevent that.
So it's like, you don't get to see your own rating.
Which I think inspires you to be better.
Because you don't really know what people are saying.
So when you go out with someone, here's where it gets cool.
Here's where it gets fresh.
You, okay, let's say, Jenna, you and I are going on a date.
Okay, don't tempt me with a good time.
I invent this whole app around what I really wanted.
Juby for Christmas.
Anyway, so we go on a date.
we meet up we have to touch our phones okay and it clinks it doesn't clink it beeps okay as phones
do maybe with a clinking noise okay and um it confirms that we are who we say we are like it's
our phone right okay then we go on our date and then we can rank each other later after the date
and this is great because it shows if you're gonna get a ranking people are gonna know like oh
nine out of ten times
Francis has to split the check.
Hmm.
Maybe I don't want to go on another date with him.
You know?
That sort of thing.
Okay.
And there's one more piece.
Okay.
All right.
Good.
You know sometimes you don't want to date
but you still don't want to be alone?
Yeah.
Sure.
It's also for that
because there's also rankings on that
and you could go to
health centers and get tested and that information can be visible in the app so it's like oh good
good look at you you good me good we good you know so it gives you a little bit of peace of mind
and you can see when it last happened okay um here's my thought on this just one well i have a
you. My initial thought is if you went out on a date with somebody and you didn't click with them
and the conversation was like, if someone said sense of humor, not so great or whatever,
sometimes you just don't click. I mean, cause if you're not going on a date with them again,
by default, that means they didn't like you that much. So by default, these ratings are
going to be negative ratings because if you're going to continue to date somebody
they're going to be higher ratings in which case the ratings are going to be useless because you're
going to be continuing to date this person well i've been on dates where i actually like the person
but we didn't have chemistry and like i still thought they were a fine person but they just
weren't for me and when i talk about like oh sense of humor i'm not saying like oh they had it or they
didn't i'd be like oh they're dry or they're they're sarcastic or they're witty or whatever
You know what I mean?
So it's about like showing other people what they're getting themselves into.
So over time, you're building like a profile.
But don't you, wouldn't you be worried that someone's being vindictive?
Like they would deliberately rate you poorly as a way to punish you?
You can.
I'm just seeing an app full of people rated two stars or something.
is this only with like first second third dates or like longer term relationships i think
i think there's a place for that joe because sometimes problems don't come up till later
and you want to like be like oh yeah um this happened you know what i mean well that's what
i'm wondering similar to jenna's point about there being a lot of vindictive reviews well you you'll
know right so like here's my thing let's say i'm francis which i am which is good news makes
the scenario really easy makes our whole relationship based on the truth okay
so let's say i'm me okay and um you know i'm dating i'm having fun maybe i'm in a six month
relationship and i get out of it the people who do the rating they're going to be able to be like
oh how long did you see this person and they could be like you know one to three dates six months or
whatever years.
So people will be able to like,
can you look at a review and you read a review and someone's like,
and it's just,
you're like,
okay,
you're just disgruntled.
Like it's obvious to me as someone who doesn't know you.
Yeah.
You're just mad.
Like some of my reviews that I've left years later,
I'm like,
Oh,
I really called you mama June.
My bad.
Um,
you know what I mean?
So like some of that will be obvious and you can,
you can put in a request to have them reviewed and and put into like not recommended reviews or the app has little faith in this review You know Like you can put your side of the story but you don know
But you don't know who rated you what.
Well, sometimes, I think you will if it's, I did this person for six months and he's a
bastard!
You'd be like, hey, Linda.
um also wouldn't you need a i mean but with this a ranking system like this or a rating system like
this the more data you have the better right because it gives you a one star one one star
review when one five star review doesn't tell you anything yeah you need 50 varied reviews to get
like an accurate picture of i think five is a good place to start but then people you're like
gonna have to go on at least five dates yeah before a rating system i mean don't a lot of
people are dating so they don't they find one person and then don't date anymore things are
tough let me tell you most people date and it takes a lot of going through different people
what if this app creates stigma against like the new generation of like 17 18 year olds that are
just starting to date and have never dated before like if they're trying to date someone older and
then they're like oh you have no experience like never mind like a credit score yeah like
everyone will understand that this is new and evolving technology and is free at first
while we work the bugs out and it becomes ingrained in our culture.
You're right.
If there's one group of people that I think of as very understanding and compassionate,
it's the people that online date and meet through apps.
It's because of their high libido.
It makes them very understanding.
Yeah.
Okay.
I do think, well, okay.
isn't which of the apps is a bumble the one that you can only be matched like with friends of
friends or like facebook friends or no bumble's the one where the girl has to initiate uh what am
i thinking of yeah unless you're gay and it's like do what you want um what uh what am i thinking of
is that hint is hinge there was one that that was like basically you hooked up you like set up your
Facebook account and it could only be like
you could only get matched with people that were
connected to your connections.
So it could be like your friend
maybe that's Hinge?
Anyway, I don't know.
Ooh, great.
You just really inspired me.
A side app
where
people recommend their friends.
I see.
This I see way better
as having your friends give you
like endorsements um like reviews from friends right then a person with a whole bunch of positive
reviews it's like well at least they've got a bunch of friends yeah at least they've got a
bunch of people that are at least willing to lie for them even if right stuff isn't the truth
i mean we have friends that have done um things where it's like they go to a bar and like another
friend it's like like a singles meetup thing and like another friend will give a presentation
about why you should date with like a slideshow with like a slideshow and stuff like here's my
friend here's why you should date her um i'll tell you it's always a her no we have friends
almost uh well off pod i'll tell you who it is um but i mean like that's a very good like those
are good endorsements i would never trust like oh a stranger that went on a date with this person
and then didn't want to go out with them again.
I mean, you'd want to hear the terrible things,
like he ordered the lobster, I ordered a salad,
and he's like, we'll go splitsies on this, right?
Or something like that would be annoying,
and you'd want to know that.
But I think it would become an app for simply negative reviews,
which would be fun to look at.
I don't know how it would be helpful.
People wouldn't want to be on there.
yeah go on well google google reviews people go on there when they're happy they go on there when
they're upset they go on there when they get a coupon yeah no but google reviews people go on
there and when they're happy and then they can still return to whatever they're happy about
i also i know a lot of girls who view not having social media as a red flag for a guy and i just
see a bunch of normal actually cool guys getting turned down by girls because they don't have this
app then the girl just assumes that there's something wrong with them oh they'll get the
app because everyone wants to know people are verified so this sounds like a social credit
program that you're mandating yeah yeah well i didn't want to use those words but yeah that's
what i was thinking too and if your score drops low enough you're not allowed into certain restaurants
you're not allowed to live in a certain part of town so francis this is actually a black mirror
episode yeah you just invented the chinese communist party chinese communist party if
you're listening and we know you are well we know some of you are if you have a good credit score
you are um okay look i like the idea of a dating app i like it more if it's reviews from friends
yeah i like that too okay are you just saying that so you can get a yes in the room no no i like that
idea i think that's a good idea i still love my original idea and i like that idea too i mean and
you could throw in a verified dater kind of like a verified purchase like on amazon or whatever
and then someone could write like what they thought if you want but i think populate you're
going to need a bunch of reviews for it to work to get enough data and so having reviews from
friends and then it'll bring help bring the scores up i mean if otherwise it's just you're
gonna unless someone's like if you see somebody has a hundred reviews you're like this person went
on a hundred different dates like that's a red common in new york yeah but it's still a red flag
it is. It doesn't mean they had
relations. I understand.
I'm not talking about that. It's like
you went on a hundred dates?
Like either
if it's a guy, a girl will be thinking
he's not interested
in anything. This guy's just trying to like
get with chicks.
And if it's a girl
it went on a
get with chicks.
Yep.
Did you say click those chicks?
Yeah.
We've got to be careful.
But if it's a girl that's gone on 100 different dates,
the guys will think either she's desperate
or she's just looking for a free meal.
Because there are women who go on these dates
specifically just so they never have to buy dinner.
Yeah.
So.
You know what we call that in dating terms?
What?
Never mind.
Okay.
I will not.
I was thinking
that
here's an interesting angle
okay
what if it's not
we'll call it
it's not a date
and it's just
I want to go to dinner
with someone
because you said
you know when people
are like looking for something
it's like hard to find
it's like
I just want to go
and have dinner
with a nice girl
just to talk
and not be alone
and then you could go and just have dinner
it's not a date
what if you like each other
next one can be a date
the next one's a date
that's your name
the next one's a date
catch you next time
okay I mean
in theory that's good it's gonna be used by people
that are pretending like they're not
no no it's not a date
it's the rating system
he acted like it was a date
oop you're on probation
yeah do people get kicked off this yeah if they abuse it why'd you try to kiss her then
you're on probation okay why did that condom fall out of your wallet
probation oh no but then you can't you have to write it and be like a clarification that
wasn't a shondom um yeah so i feel like look a dating app a new dating app i think is always
going to get some traction but i feel like it's going to be a dating app filled with very negative
reviews okay so i think if you could but if you could set up a dating app that is friends review
based especially because like if as long as you like as a friend if i if i had to review somebody
else as long as i knew they didn't know the review was coming from me i'd be honest yeah exactly but
But I also would have no stake.
I'd be like, yes, I want you to be happy, but I'm not going to like.
I'm not going to.
Overdo it.
I'm not going to overdo it.
I will tell you honestly like this, but also if you're, you know.
But he can be a little cheap sometimes.
Or sometimes he talks too much with the stories.
anyway uh good one
uh i think that i think that's when that's the way to go because i yes and i think you'll get more
you'll get more data right away it will be more helpful right away someone can hit the
ground running with a bunch of reviews already thank you that's good feedback and i will implement
it immediately okay thank you take it to your product team hello product team i was it was a
mirror um yeah so what do we what do you want to call it well i like some of the ideas we kicked
around so far because like it's it's not a date or like um maybe they love
you like that they love well like not to be too crass but like
that sounds like that sounds like a polyamorous thing let's ditch they love
okay well you know how it's also like for physical meetups too
well then you could you know how like love is like a like a bottomless pit yeah crevasse
crevasse yeah because it has the word ass in it and it's like a crevice
um okay or maybe like crevice vast ass asked vast fields of ass
too long bottomless pit
that would actually be funny if there was a dating app called bottomless pit yeah i'd use it
Do you want to die alone?
Dot com.
Picky pals.
Picky pals?
Yeah.
Bottomless pit.
Five star love.
Um.
Rate.
Date.
Rate your mate.
Date rate?
Date rate.
End the podcast.
this was the best one yet
wow
alright it's date rate
I am full of joy
I'm super full of foy
great foy
good times
well there we have it ladies and gentlemen
soon you won't be alone
Great.
I love that for our listeners.
And that'll also double our listenership because all of our listeners will in turn bring in a new person.
But they can't listen on the same phone.
No.
Oh, if you share earbuds, I swear to God, we will find you.
I will go nuts on you.
And you better procreate, too.
Yeah.
Yeah, do that.
So that your kids listen, too.
Yeah.
I think that's what Joe meant by that
cool
well
let's do another cheers
cheers
happy new year
yay
date rate
it's great
yeah
I got date rated last week
date rate
we believe you
you app like that
like you wow we got the slogs yeah well the slogs write themselves i agree
all right well i think this would work thank you i think people would want to do it
i think their i think their friends would want to do it too yeah i would want to rate a whole
bunch of my friends they were like i would i would sit down i would make a day of it yeah
I would like set aside an hour.
Yeah.
See?
People love to write things down.
All right.
Well, that has been the very first invention of the week for 2026.
Okay.
Well, I mean, we're already doing so well in 2026.
It's the best year of my whole life.
I know.
And I met Simon Cowell.
What?
Did you know I auditioned for American Idol?
I did know that actually, but I didn't know you actually met Simon.
Well, I guess if you go in, you...
You know what he said to me?
I can't remember you, Francis.
There's nothing special about you at all.
Oh, no.
I didn't cry until I got to the bathroom.
And that wasn't the best year of your life?
Well, I also met Olivia Newton-John.
Oh, before she died, I'm assuming.
Yeah.
What did, uh...
What did she...
She put her hands under her chin like this.
Listeners imagine it.
And she said, I just said yes.
That's nice.
It was very sweet.
Did not change the trajectory of my life, but it was sweet to me.
We really need to say yes after it's over, Olivia.
Where were you before Simon?
Well, like I said, we're already on such a high,
but I think we're going to keep it going with our next segment.
high resolution.
Cool.
Now, in this segment,
we will be sharing
our New Year's resolutions
and
just sharing them with each other
and I don know seeing who can do better I don know that basically it That inspire us I think
Want me to start?
Sure.
I have a New Year's resolution.
Go on.
I'd like to uplift people and give them more confidence around me.
You know, people in my orbit.
Oh, that's really nice.
Yeah.
um it's not as nice as my new year's resolution though i was going to um people in my orbit
i'm going to give them all a million dollars really uplift them that way oh not just with
their spirit one way it's one way to do it yeah i mean just me that's just i was going to hire a
financial planner for them because i mean if you give someone a million dollars then they don't
know what to do with it they're just gonna end up worse off than they were before so i just thought
the gift of uh financial planner i should do it yours was good too though thanks um
um i'm planning on um finding finding uh long lost relatives that i didn't know about
and acquainting myself with them and getting really close to some family that i didn't i
didn't know about previously, bringing a new family into my life. And then maybe someday if
they die, I get an inheritance, but whatever, that's neither here nor there. Just trying to get
more in touch with my family. That's really sweet. Almost as sweet as the idea I had, which was to
pay for 23andMe for everyone in my family. And then when we got their genomics back,
sharing my clothes with them and also spoon feeding them soup.
so everyone gets their they get their results from 23andme and then you spoon feed them soup
from family spoons that i share and they could take one home oh oh okay that's really sweet i
was gonna do the same thing but like a little bit better after i fed them soup by the spoon
i was gonna wash their feet like the pope oh that's nice that's really nice some people don't
I'd wash their legs.
That's good. That's nice.
Yeah.
I was also thinking
I was going to start
meal prepping.
I'm going to start meal prepping
so that no food goes wasted
and that I'm just eating better
throughout the year.
and you know
that's it
I like that I think waste is bad
you know you might take a page out of my book
oh yeah
I was going to go to my neighbor's
dumpsters
and eat their waste because
you know they're throwing away a lot of stuff
and then sharing my waste
with other people
who maybe don't have a dumpster to go through
good you're sharing your waste in 2026 yeah we're it's really trying to help the planet
that's very noble of you yeah i know not that i want to be noble
no no you're too you're too humble to want to be noble yeah too humble to be noble yep
you have that on a pillow
or a duvet
well if you think about it
a pillow is just a tiny duvet
if you think about it
a duvet is just a giant pillow
I was also thinking I could
I was also thinking that I could
find people who have hurt me
and let them know I forgive them
oh
that's really nice
forgiveness is
it's such a great quality and it's one that really makes you feel better as a human being
when you're just like, oh, I, I forgive you. So I, I mean, not to one up you or anything, but
I was actually going to let people hurt me just so they'd have the chance for me to forgive them.
And then they feel better for asking for forgiveness for, because that's such a great
feeling when you ask for forgiveness and you get it. So I was just going to be kind of selfless and
let people hurt me. Oh, you think words are enough? That's, that's cute. After I let them hurt me and
then I forgive them. I give them a gentle kiss on the cheek and I say, this is your year.
And then I give them a little pat on the butt as they walk away. I say, go get him tiger.
oh you think that's enough i was gonna give him an aggressive kiss on the lips
and i was gonna grab both cheeks with both hands and just go tiger
so whatever i mean to each his own i suppose you think that's good
I was going to go up behind them
and start aggressively pecking the back of their head with my tongue
over and over again for years
until my tongue went through the back of their head and into their mouth
and invented a new kind of kiss to show them
how I felt
that's pretty good
what's another one of your
resolutions Francis
one of my resolutions
is to learn a new language and then go to the place where the language is spoken
and to show them that I've really integrated into their culture by learning the language.
Oh, well, that's sweet.
I was just myself going to invent one language for the whole world to speak.
That's something that's really easy to learn for everyone
so that we can all be unified as one and then we're all speaking one language.
and so there's never any misunderstandings or confusions
ever again from anybody.
But I mean, that's just me.
That's what I was going to do.
Oh, that's pretty good.
Except it could be better because a backup idea I had
was to pay for someone from another place
to come to where I live
and if they didn't speak my language,
I would just laugh and smile at everything they said
and put a thumbs up and act like I did understand
so that they didn't feel alone.
I'm not sure how that's better than everybody speaking the same language.
But I mean, I would be worried that someone would think I was,
would look condescending.
I wasn't done.
Okay.
Because they would be so inspired by what I had done for them
that they would single-handedly and with connections to Buckingham Palace,
which they had, would pass legislation, royal legislation.
That would remove the need for human language altogether.
And we would communicate solely with feelings.
And it would be great because you never have to hear people talk again.
Because you're going to eliminate the language altogether.
By inviting this person to you and just communicating simply and laughing and thumbs up,
they will get royal legislation passed that the whole world has to follow because we're all under British rule.
and that will, I'm just clarifying the plan.
That will, because we don't talk anymore,
all we do is thumb up and laugh at each other.
Yeah, language is the number one cause of hate.
Oh.
Yeah, when you understand what people say.
Yeah, I know.
It's rough.
I know.
Better to just not hear them at all.
Yeah, I agree.
You can hear the music then.
Oh, there's music playing in this scenario too?
You can finally hear it.
because my also my idea came with music big music all around
do you have any other resolutions um i think i'm going to be more on top of i'm going to be more on
top of keeping my house clean and tidy and just not putting off till tomorrow that which can be
done today. That's beautiful, Jenna. Thank you. I invented that. I invented blowing my house up
so that it's gone, which frees me up to help others because I no longer have to clean my own
house and I can use the debris from my blown up home to build habitats for humanity using
those same boards and a couple of appliances that survived.
So some lucky family is going to get a nice charred house with a barely functioning washer
and dryer.
Great, isn't it?
Yeah, that's really nice.
Yeah.
And also something else I really wanted to do was tell my father I loved him.
Oh, that's sweet.
My resolution this year is to marry Dennis.
I'm going to marry your father so that he'll really know who loves him.
My resolution is for us to get side-by-side plots for when we die.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah.
We've already bought a coffin, joint coffin.
My plan is to get in it.
yep 2026 is going to be the year of the coffin
well thank you jenna yeah well it sounds like we've got some really lofty lofty ambitions for
this year i think they're atmospheric ambitions i yeah i think they're space they're
milky way ambitions these are some black hole ambitions
all right well i guess we really do have some high resolutions for 2026
bye resolutions bye bye hose
okay well we're gonna get some stuff done this year yeah we got some good goals yeah we do um
you know what one of my biggest goals is for this year yeah no answering a big question
totally francis do you have a big question for me i do all right great here it is okay
you're gonna love it good my big question is
i would like for you you know how some movies have sequels
I do know that.
And others don't.
I know that as well.
I think you should pick a movie that does not have a sequel and does not need a sequel.
And tell me what would happen in it.
Okay.
I pick...
Okay.
hmm this is tough there's a whole pantheon of movies i could pick from
um
okay
i'm picking
it's a wonderful life
in the sequel to it's a wonderful life
it's 15 years later
George Bailey
has long since forgotten
how much everyone loves him
Zuzu
and her petals
are now 19
19 years old
that's his youngest
right
so his kids
he and Mary are empty nesters
and
they just kind of shuffle around the house
and they don't
talk to each other much. Occasionally they'll pass by each other in the room.
The kids, the kids are off in college doing their own thing.
The oldest one, the one who wouldn't start, the one who wouldn't stop playing the piano,
he, he actually didn't go to college. He failed. He's an alcoholic and he plays piano
in a bar and he uses his tip money to pay his bar tap.
What is it?
It's a tip money.
No, it's tip money.
Tip money is something else.
Zuzu knows about that.
Those pedals are being used for something else, I'll tell you.
That's not pretty.
She's a dancer in a nightclub.
And the one little girl that cried,
she actually became that spinster librarian that Mary was going to become had she not met George.
So George takes a look around at his life and he's like, what, what happened 15 years ago? I had this
revelation. Something amazing was going to happen, right? That my life was actually great the way
that it was, that I didn't need to go on some grand adventure. Uh, and I could be happy and
everything could work out. But clearly that's not the case. He's wrong about that. So he
goes on an outward bound adventure to Australia and he packs up just a little pack. He gets
boots so that he can avoid snake bites. And he says, Mary, I'm going to Australia.
And then so in the sequel of this movie, he goes to Australia.
And he is with a tour group.
And he is doing the backpacking thing.
He's with a bunch of other people that are excited about Australia.
And it's a whole different land, right?
Everything's different there.
And he gets a little too excited because he's a kangaroo.
Right, so they're on this outward bound safari.
He sees a kangaroo and it hopping And it hopping and he like oh my God a real kangaroo real kangaroo so he follows it he like for whatever reason nobody else is as interested in this kangaroo as he is
and he follows this kangaroo and then eventually he looks up and he realizes oh my god the tour
group is nowhere around then he looks up the kangaroo is staring at him the kangaroos noticed
him and it looks like the kangaroo is aware like it looks like the kangaroo is like more than just
an animal noticing like another animal in the wild right and then so george is like he's like
looking at it warily and suddenly the kangaroo brings one little paw up and he motions for george
like this come come this way and then he just starts bouncing away and george is like well
i've got to keep following it now it's asking me to follow it and so george follows the kangaroo
and he follows it and then the kangaroo suddenly like there's like this big thicket this brush
that appears and the kangaroo i don't know how he he kind of does like a one-two box
and then clears out a little brush and then jumps in really quickly.
But then you can't see the kangaroo anymore.
It's still this huge brush, right?
So George is like, what's going on in there?
I keep following it.
I mean, this is pretty heavy thicket.
But he gets in and he like clears through some brush.
And then he comes out and he looks around.
And it's like the world is in technicolor.
so the whole previously like it's like wizard of oz style like previously like it's a wonderful life
the movie's in black and white then he comes out and it's suddenly this whole kangaroo society
there are buildings there are cars boxing gyms of course because they're cheeky like that yeah yeah
and
they have so the kangaroo that had like beckoned him in
he's standing there waiting for him on the other side of the brush
and he goes welcome george we've been waiting for you
and george is like what you've been waiting for me
what this is crazy what's going on in this town
looks like a kangaroo town they're like it is
But everything you see here is in danger of never being again.
We are being threatened by the neighboring Cobra Town.
That's right, there's a whole town of cobras that are threatening.
Oh my god, I hate that.
They've been sneaking into pouches and acting like little joeys and then killing people,
killing kangaroos in the kangaroo town.
and trying to take over their government.
And prophecy is foretold that if the cobras take over the kangaroo government,
that's it, it's over for the human world as well.
And there's only one man who can save them from this.
And George was like, I think I heard rumblings about this,
but I always thought it was folklore.
And they were like, no, no, no, it's not folklore.
This is real.
And you're the only one that can save us.
and then George does this bunch of series of adventures to save the kangaroo city.
And at the end,
he saves the kangaroo city.
And then he goes back home and gives Mary a huge kiss on the lips and their
marriage is renewed again.
Well,
that's beautiful.
Yeah.
The whole time you were telling that story,
you know what it felt like to me?
What?
You know,
when a kid wants you to tell it a story,
you don't have one.
So you just,
you just,
what?
I have a whole treatment for this sequel.
I have, yeah, no, I've written the screenplay already.
Anyway, yeah, it'll be called,
it's,
it's a wonderful life to Cobra v. Kangaroo.
A rhyming title gets audiences in.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
I'm actually surprised that it doesn't exist already.
Well, you had to.
Listeners, don't write this movie before I get a chance to do it, okay?
No.
Don't do it.
We'll follow you home.
Yeah.
Yes, we will follow you home.
Yes.
And do murder.
Great.
Thank you.
So.
You're welcome, world.
There you go.
we'll let you know
have a good day
and call us if you're anything else
watch out for us on Letterboxd
anyway yeah that's what I'd do
what would you do
it's the Truman Show number two
the Tubin Show
yes
he gets out
of the studio and he's in a daze
okay
he doesn't know what to do but people take him in because
he's Mr. Truman
but he goes out in public and everyone recognizes him of course he runs into the lady who had his
face on a pillow and he kills her with it he start he's starting to unravel his face on the duvet
he goes into the bar where they were all watching and he finds a bat and he kills them all with it
okay he's mad he's pissed his whole life is gonna lie he finds the chick who believed in him and
tried to like tell him the truth he kills her i'm kidding he tries to but then he comes to a
sentence wait the one he was in love with yeah okay he's like sorry i don't know who i am i can't be
with you i'm worried i'll kill again and she says no but i'm scared of you now so she leaves he's
heartbroken guess who comes walking down the street meryl for those unfamiliar that's his fake tv wife
Laura Linney?
Yes.
Oh, I love her.
She's great.
Anyway, he chokes her with Coco.
Oh, the Coco that she...
Yeah.
It's pretty deep in there.
And she dies.
Okay, so so far this is the snuff film.
No.
Everyone's dead.
No one's having sex.
That's not...
I think there has to be sex in a snuff film.
No, I'm pretty sure a snuff film just means killing.
that's just what i thought okay well huh never mind keep going anyway he does a snuff
no i'm kidding he starts to feel bad because he is a nice guy and then he feels like it's
not his fault so he finds a lawyer the lawyer's name is francis the last name is
sol and he francis sol yeah and he hires him and he says can you help me get can you help me
can you help me
and the lawyer's
trying to answer
but he just keeps saying
can you help me
and then the lawyer's like
yes
so they file a lawsuit
against the studio
and they win
and he gets
a billion dollars
and
he spends it
on
cocoa
and
a tombstone
for Meryl
Because he feels bad about what he'd done.
A lot of people don't know this, but they did have sex in the Truman Show.
Well, I mean, they were married.
Well, they cut it away for people to watch.
But he was remembering all the times.
And so he felt bad.
Then he goes to the doc and he's holding one can of cocoa.
Then the girl who he was in love with comes back.
And she was like, Truman!
And he was like, what?
I've been through a lot.
And she was like, I want to be with you.
can I dangle my feet in the water next to you?
And he was like,
I don't know in the pier.
Then he felt bad because he's being a dick.
He takes his shoes off.
They both put their feet in the water.
She looks really good.
She's dressed in a color palette that really makes sense for her.
And he wants to tell her about the billion dollars,
but he also doesn't because he wants to know she really,
really loves him or if it was just like a thing for TV.
So he just blurts out,
I'm poor.
and she says
that's okay
and he says actually I have a billion dollars
and she goes that's better
and they slide off
the pier into the water
and they swim
away
and then the big
the end sign comes up on the movie
while the waves are still rippling
okay
so it's
a happy ending
after all that murder.
There is an after credit scene
where he gets fined for dropping cocoa in the water.
But not the murder.
No, the people understand.
They jerked that guy around.
They did.
But once you've processed that mentally,
don't even think about dropping cocoa in the water.
Well, but wouldn't it just make it
like nice chocolatey water?
yes but fish don't like that
fish die in chocolatey water all the time
they do
it's the number one killer
number one killer of fish in the water
chocolatey water
and bigger fish
that's number two
anyway
um
okay
that's a pretty good sequel
what would you call it?
The Tooman Show.
Oh, yeah, we already established that.
The Tooman Show, colon,
this time it's personal.
Yeah.
You never really know someone.
The Revenge Door.
The Shroom Snuff.
Yeah.
Snuff.
That's also chewing tobacco.
Yeah.
Snuffbox.
Yeah.
Sure is.
I got confused because I know you have to have sex with a chewing tobacco before you.
Yeah.
My bad.
That's okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, I think I'm pretty sure...
Should I just get my green light right now?
Green light.
Oh, look.
I just greenlit both of these movies.
Daisy, is that you?
Yeah.
All right.
Well, that wraps up the big question.
Dun-dun-dun-dun!
Only one final bit of business, Francis.
I'm nervous.
Well, you were sure that your word would be so unbelievably obvious that there would be no way that I wouldn't guess it.
But there was nothing that stood out particularly to me.
Every time I tried to say it, I started to smile and I couldn't say it.
Okay.
So I didn't say it at all.
You didn't say the word?
Okay, I did say it.
I'm being silly.
It was foy.
Crank foy.
Crank for it.
It's a phrase with a comma.
And an exclamation point.
Yes, go on.
Okay.
So, I have some guesses, and I have a guess for your decoy word.
You do?
Yeah.
Shoot.
I mean that in both senses.
Like, darn, and go ahead.
Okay.
Was your word crevasse?
Yeah.
Oh, it was?
Yes.
You did so well.
Oh, I did the best I could do.
You did do it really well.
I only wrote that down because you did do a pretty good job of it.
I feel bad that I got it.
I mean, I feel bad that I got it.
That's a tough word.
That is a tough word.
But did I say it?
I might have actually.
No.
Okay.
No.
Okay, good.
No, I said crevasse.
No, yeah.
Was I said crevasse twice?
You said crevasse twice.
I believe you.
You also said crevasse, yeah.
Sorry.
you did do a good enough job i think it was yeah but all right yes 2026 off to a good start now
let me see if i can guess your decoy word yeah go for it really kick me in the nuts
uh is it duvet no how about tombstone no or palette no okay i really wanted you to get it
because that would have been fun.
That would have been fun.
Yeah.
Thank you for believing
or for wanting me to have something nice in 2026.
I do.
It was libido.
Oh, okay.
You said because of their libidos,
they're wise or something.
Like, why forget?
We were talking about people.
We're all wise because of our libidos.
Okay.
I think you said this word twice,
so I don't want to...
I'm worried it's your decoy word.
Let me make a couple of guesses.
Okay.
Is your word unified?
No.
Pantheon?
No, I saw you write that one down.
Is that your decoy word?
Nope.
Prophecies?
No.
Folklore?
That's my decoy word.
Fudgshicles!
Hanging from a fudge roof.
Yeah!
Boy, I really...
I really ate shit.
Do you have any other guesses for Jenna to do a word?
Treatment.
Oh.
No.
Did you say your word when I was talking about Simon Cowell?
No.
I have no idea.
I'm saying high resolution.
Well, what was it, Jenna?
Inheritance.
I said I want to get together.
I want to find long lost.
You're annoyed that you got crevasse and I got inheritance?
Okay.
Well, whatever. What about the time I got decapitated and both you and Chrissy guessed it?
What about it?
I feel like the balance is there with the words.
We each, every week it's a different, varying difficulty.
All right, so you guessed my word and I said your decoy word.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yes.
2026, that's my new resolution. It's the year I pass Francis in points.
I think that means you're up three because you also said your real word.
Francis did a guess.
Yeah.
I think that's a net three for you.
I think that's net three.
Net three.
Woo.
All right.
Well, I feel great about 2026.
Jenna.
Yeah.
I want you to be happy.
It's important to me that you had a good night.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
God bless you, Jenna.
George Bailey, is that you?
Just got kicked by a kangaroo.
See, you can see it vividly in your head, right?
Bitten by a cobra.
All right.
Well, I gotta go.
Okay.
It was nice talking to you.
All right.
Happy New Year, listeners.
Bye.