welcome to friends like us bonus improv before we get started we need a suggestion from our producer
your suggestion is vampire vampire i don't know why people like vampires so much i love them
you think do you think they're sexy yes well yes yes is it just because the the neck the blood thing
no it's eternal youth and glamour but aren't you a vampire from
whenever you get bit you don't it makes you hot the biting makes you hot transition
once you get bit you go through a body transition while you're dying and you wake up hot
i just thought it was i thought it was just um that you are just whatever age you got bit that's
what you are now and then you're just like that person well that explains why you don't love
vampires because now that you know the truth well sign me up i would i mean if i knew if i
i'm sorry go on if someone came up to me i was like i'm gonna make you a vampire i would say yes
as long as i understood i would clear all the rules first let me make sure i know everything
if i got bit and i didn't change bodies and then i was gonna live forever as me
I would kill my master.
Can you kill?
Yeah, that's how you die.
God, do you know nothing about vampires?
I know nothing about vampires.
Yeah, the master vampire, whoever he's turned and whoever they've turned,
if you kill the top vampire, all of the other vampires die.
Like a pyramid scheme?
Yeah, just like a pyramid scheme.
I didn't realize that that's what it is.
It's an MLM scheme?
doing multi-level marketing for vamp that to be a vampire yeah you didn't they recruit two people
why do we need to recruit other vampires so there are more why wouldn't it be more fun if you were
just like the only one that's another thing about vampires they don't seem to like each other very
much they're competitive well yeah so why do you want more of them the love of the game you know
if I was a vampire,
I would,
I really have to limit myself on hotties Why Because you don want to kill all the hotties Why not Because then there less hotties like oh right if you kill all the hotties before they they breed then is that what you mean
then they're not making new hotties i don't know i know a lot of
attractive people who i don't think attractiveness necessarily is passed on
you don't think so i can be but i don't think i wouldn't just trust that two hot people are
gonna make a hot baby.
The odds are way better
than two ugly people make
an odd. It's not like an eye color.
Well, kind of it is. A little bit.
Because you kind of look like
your parents, so. I don't think I do.
You're
the beautiful exception
to that role.
Much appreciation. Yeah.
And I would clean up crime.
Oh, you'd be a crime fighting.
Yeah, that's why I wouldn't feel guilty about taking one or two hotties a week.
Because you're fee.
Yeah, Batman doesn't work for free.
He got a trust fund.
So what if we just set you up with a trust fund?
Would you then not take hotties?
I know, you'd rather.
You'd rather.
It's part of the game.
What if you turned somebody and then you were like,
I don't want to be around you for eternity.
I would tell them.
You were actually a huge pain in the ass.
I would tell him the sunlight thing was a joke.
We can go out whenever we want.
I have to sleep in tomorrow because I've got stuff to do, but you should go out.
Vampires should invest in pal around.
Vampires pal around.
Yeah.
Who you turn to.
Two O's.
Who you turn also.
Yeah.
Love it.
And now, improv.
okay well as your plastic surgeon obviously i can i can help you uh look younger um
i'm gonna go ahead and uh we could do a bit of um you do a little like maybe an eye tuck or
i don't know something to get rid of the crow's feet okay that's i like that that sounds good
um it says uh here let's see what else what else did you what else did you want to work on
here i wanted long teeth i'm sorry what well they're just so short and i am a meat eater
maybe we could point them out okay um like how long are we talking here we do have a dentist on staff we could maybe have Oh nothing major I was thinking maybe three four inches Three four inches You right Maybe five
Oh, no, no, I wasn't saying that. What are you... Wait a second.
What are you doing with five-inch teeth? I'm eating.
Eating what? I feel like...
Wait, all of your teeth five inches longer? Oh, no. Oh, I understand why you're
So silly.
No, just the two.
Just the two on the side.
I'm, I, well, I mean, we can do it.
I, I, I don't see, I don't see how that'll help you eat, eat meat, but.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah, please do.
It's people.
It's people, like you want to meet people or?
No, I want people who are meat.
The people are my meat.
you want to eat people you're saying me that these teeth are for killing people for eating people
sometimes they don't die sometimes they stay alive
gosh this is raising huge ethical dilemmas for me because we have doctor patient confidentiality
i feel like in hipaa listen i didn't fly to a third world country to have you tell me what's
ethical. Okay, Denver is
not a third world country.
Alright. We might not have
all the amenities that you
have. Yeah.
Wherever you're from, but Denver
is still a pretty nice place. Okay.
Sorry. Look, I...
Sorry.
Okay.
Very funny. I was practicing for when you
do my teeth. Alright.
I can
do it, I guess. I guess I...
Because of HIPAA.
I can't tell anybody.
Yeah.
I have one more request.
All right.
Can't be weirder than the teeth.
No, this is actually, I can't believe I even have to.
I could do this anywhere.
I can do this at the mall.
I was thinking, you know how my eyes are just normalized?
Yeah.
I actually, do you remember when you walked in here and I was like, nice to meet you.
Wonderful normal eyes.
Yeah.
I thought you were making fun of me.
So thanks for telling me.
Oh, no, no.
I was.
Yeah, it was a compliment.
Yeah.
I was thinking you could put in those hypnosis swirls in them.
Wait, you mean like where you're, like the pupils swirl in a, like in a movie, and then someone gets hypnotized?
Yeah.
I was thinking that as they start to swirl, the teeth could come out.
You want retractable teeth now.
I thought that was implied.
They got we also have a periodontist on staff Who does hinge work Yeah He the best Yeah I saw it on google yeah that why you come to denver yeah and i want a garlic vaccine you okay this is a lot of requests
but damn it if we're not the best in denver god bless you god bless you doctor
thank you cut to after the surgeries
oh wow
I feel like I just slept a long time
doctor?
yes?
I can't see anything
uh that's
part of the complications with the hypnosis swirls
um
uh
sorry you're mesmerizing me
but you can't tell
where are you?
I'm right in front of you
I'm sorry
I must have knocked something over.
Yeah, you just accidentally touched my groin.
That's fine.
Don't worry.
It didn't feel sexual.
Oops, I did it again.
Okay, well, that time seemed a little...
I'm starting to panic.
No, no, no, okay.
Just breathe.
Yep.
Good.
Yes.
Let me feel for my teeth.
Yep.
They're not...
What did you do?
Okay, so here's the thing.
Here's what we had to do.
We worked on making your teeth, those two teeth longer.
We couldn't quite make it work.
So, what we did was we filed down all the rest of your teeth, so proportionally they're about five.
No!
No, I'm sorry.
Well, they still are now, they're still five times longer than your other teeth.
It's just your other teeth are almost non-existent.
Baby teeth? You gave me baby teeth?
We gave you the beginnings of baby teeth.
Like when a baby starts teething and just like a little bit cracks above the gums.
That's what you have now for the rest of your teeth.
I'm really sorry, but that was the best we could do.
How am I supposed to kill people?
You seem like a resourceful fellow.
Hey, we're just as disappointed as you are.
We thought we could do.
We have this surgery on our website.
it's listed as a service
I'm afraid all of Denver is going to find out
and then they're not going to
yeah they are
because I'm going to tell them
no you can't
HIPAA works both ways
oh
you're good
and scene
you