so i was at a business uh earlier today and i was talking to a young girl that works there
early 20s and um she would we were talking about comedy i mentioned that i do stuff with comedy and
then she was like oh yeah like i love comedy like who's your favorite comedian and i was like oh like
i you know i don't pay attention to stand-ups as much as i should um like i i yeah don't i don't
know who's like the new up-and-coming stand-ups now and then uh she was like oh i uh my favorite
of all time jim brewer which just struck me as so funny she's like i love him he was my favorite
it for forever and um i just thought that was really funny and then she was like so she's talking
about comedy as if she's like a comedy fan but her favorite is jim brewer and then she was talking
about like in like one of his specials um i think it was called i forget what it was like in the
light or something like that and he was talking about um a story there was a movie where he was
supposed to be stoned all the time i was like oh yeah half-baked and she's like yeah and most of
scenes he wasn't then one he accidentally was and he he said the guy that was i know
uh he's like uh one of the guy that was in the movie with him and i was like dave chapelle
he was like oh yeah i think that's it i was like okay i just thought it was really funny
she's just like talking about comedy like she's really into comedy and she doesn't know who dave
bell is but she loves goat boy it's weird like that's one of those things it's like
clearly she was shown that by her parents and like and so that that's her that's comedy or maybe a
boyfriend well she said she she said that her parents went to go see him on her birthday once
but she thinks she was like 10 when that happened and she was like oh you're going to see my favorite
on my birthday.
What are the odds
that your parents
would go see this guy
and then he would become
your favorite comedian?
Something's going on here.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
It's like clearly like,
it's like the parents' tastes
being impressed upon the children.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like people
who like black licorice.
Who told you to like that?
Yeah, you little idiot.
Yeah.
It's not good.
It's not even food.
No, not food.
And neither is Jim Brewer.
No.
Well.
Anyway, I just found that to be amusing
That is funny
Not funny ha-ha, apparently
What if she's a
Like a
Ticket seller or a promoter for him
Oh, if you're just doing like
Viral marketing
Gorilla marketing
You know who my favorite comedian is?
She opens her trench coat and there's all these tickets
Well, I mean, it's working
We're talking about it
And then our millions of listeners are now going to be thinking about Jim Brewer.
That's true.
Jim Brewer, if you're listening, and we know you are, you're welcome.
Yeah, great tactic, buddy.
Yeah, real smart.
Yeah.
You know, when you first said she liked Jim Brewer, I have to confess.
When you first said she liked Jim Brewer, I laughed a little.
I don't know who that is.
Oh, you don't?
Okay.
And then you said Goat Boy.
And now I'm really, I'm interested.
I'm intrigued.
But I still remain ignorant.
He was on SNL in the 90s.
uh he was very it was a very like 90s heyday kind of comedian um he's got very like big
hooded eyes kind of does he is he is he does he have a beard i don't think so this is taking me
back to that one episode where we played 20 questions is his hair brown does he make people
laugh apparently uh anyway well welcome to very fine friends a podcast where friends talk about
stuff uh i hate the question who's your favorite comedian from like someone you know is not
really into comedy because it's like i don't know what to tell you man well i wouldn't even
know how to answer that question because sometimes i watch things that i found funny 10 years ago i'm
I'm like, nah, dumb.
You know, things change, things evolve.
Yeah, I know.
I'm not going to pimp someone when tomorrow they can say something I don't like.
They can be on the news and be like, Francis sucks.
And I'll be like, I was just saying you were my favorite.
I got you tattooed.
Not that you have a tattoo of that person on you.
You just arranged for them to have a tattoo.
Yeah, that's my job.
I got you tattooed.
Tattoo concierge.
that tutu you have that tutu you have tutu tutu that's because of me me me
yeah quick interruption every week on the podcast we do something where our producer joe
gives francis and i each our own secret word throughout the course of the podcast we need to
find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
And right before we die, we add up all the points.
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is outstanding.
Jenna's decoy word is based.
Francis's secret word is addled.
Francis' decoy word is seg.
Back to the pod.
Tattoo concierge is a good job.
Is it a job at all?
No.
Okay.
It would be a concept a good job.
In concept it's a good job.
In fact, some might even say you just invented a new job.
Are we segwaying?
Are we doing this?
I think we may be.
Holy shit.
It's time for the invention of the week.
inventions.
Well,
Jubes, I'm going to give you a choice.
Okay.
Do you want an invention for women?
Or do you want an invention
relating to food?
Ooh.
I want them both.
Can we do...
We'll do women.
Okay.
But earmark the food one.
okay i want to see what you're fixing can i make the decision for her as a man
no i want it because i want to take her right away i want to hear what yeah that's what i'm asking
problem i want to hear what problem francis thinks women has and how he can solve it oh it's you're
gonna love this okay great we're off to a good start you know how there's predators i do know
that you know how it's men uh i do know that sometimes yeah when it comes to women do you
You know how women just want to live in peace and not be harangued?
I do know that.
Yeah.
Well, whoa.
I think I did something huge this week.
Whoa.
Yeah, humongous.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Okay, well, here it is.
This invention, if I could just say, women around the world, you're welcome.
you're gonna love this so much thank you so meek here's the invention
picture this okay you need a little exercise it's it's your time of day sun is kind of going down
but this is the only time you can get to it you're gonna go for a little a little j-o-g okay
J-O-O-B going on a J-O-G.
Yeah, that's it.
A little jube jog.
Yeah.
Okay.
So you're getting ready.
You're all excited.
You're fit and sexy and you're going to remain so.
That's the point of the jog.
Well.
Spandex.
Yeah, you're out jogging.
So you start.
You have a little warm up.
You start to go.
Feeling good.
Yeah.
The ponytail that you've never once had is swaying in the breeze.
all of a sudden
a man lunges out of the darkness
and attacks
oh no
or does he
entering my invention
now this invention can be worn
on a hat
or it could be like a
I'm saying it's like a vest
but it's just like straps that you put on
like a vest that you clip on
like laterhosen
yeah
it's a crossbody
Sure.
Like a...
It's nothing that's already been invented with my new invention.
Okay.
On the front and the back is a little radar system that tells you if someone is approaching.
So you can listen to your AirPods.
You can have a nice little jog.
And if any object is coming toward you, it tells you and like buzzes in the direction of when it's coming.
So it gives you a chance to turn around and blow their head off.
So he's just running with a gun.
La la la, la la la, gun in hand.
And then the radar system goes off and you just like spin and shoot.
And then it's like, oh no, that was little Timmy from next door.
Whoops.
So let's earmark spin and shoot as a potential name.
But you don't have to kill him, but it tells you, hey, you need to watch out.
Because a problem that a lot of women have right now is that they don't feel comfortable.
Like, first of all, being out and about in the dark.
Yeah.
Especially if they want to listen to music.
Sometimes I feel like they can't, but they have to have one off because I need to listen to their surroundings.
This problem is now being solved by me.
That, I mean, it is true.
What's funny is I used to listen with headphones all the time when I was in New York.
But then when I moved to L.A., downtown L.A., like that felt way more dangerous.
And I never walked around without with headphones in.
Now, what if you had the device?
Um, maybe let's talk more about it.
You know what inspired this?
you lunched at a woman
and you successfully caught her.
She didn't get away. Yeah, and I thought, man, I wish she'd had a chance.
No, um. She never saw me
coming. As I'm like burying her in the woods.
Only she'd had a chance.
Oh, my empathy.
Anyway, no.
You feel too much.
I'm hugging her. Why did you let me do
this? I was
rooting for you!
no what inspired this was um you ever seen the hit film men in black yes when that hit film came out
after they had merch and one of the merches was sunglasses with a mirror so you could see behind
you. And I always thought that was the coolest thing ever. So I took that and I turned it
into a modern day anti-attack device. Yeah. Yeah. How sensitive is the approaching proximity
sensor thing? Well, it won't tell you about a bird. I'll tell you that. It's specifically
if something is approaching and getting too close. You know, like when you back your car
but it's like beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Similar to that.
But how close would a predator have to be to?
10 feet.
Is that enough time to react?
Yeah, because once you get the alert, guess what you're doing?
Speeding up.
And then turning to look and make sure what's going on.
Once you see that man there, you'll be emailing our company and being like,
thank you.
Thank you, sirs and ma'ams.
What about if it's just like a regular jogger
that's behind you and it's just faster than you?
Well, then you turn and you see it.
Or like a little kid on a bike.
This detection system is just to give you a fighting chance.
Once it goes off, you turn and you see it's Timmy on a bike,
you're fine.
You turn and you see a man approaching with malice in his eyes,
not fine.
But what are Timmy's intentions, we have to ask?
Do we trust Timmy?
I can't answer those questions.
I'm not a philosopher.
I am an inventor.
Wouldn't you want your mother to have this?
Your aunt?
I guess I'm just thinking it's either going to be going off all the time for stuff that's not predator,
and then you're just going to either start disregarding it because you're getting lots of false alarms,
or you're going to be so wound up constantly thinking you're about to be attacked
that it's going to be the most stressful thing in the whole world.
What about this?
Okay.
What about you wear the system,
and then the system basically in the back is a camera,
and then you have sunglasses on,
or regular glasses if you're jogging at night,
and it shows you a little backward view.
If something's coming up, it pops up on the screen,
and you see it for a second, and then you can wave it off.
or, you know, like you could do a hand motion and it goes back to regular if it's nothing.
I like that better.
That works better, I think.
Just kind of a rear view camera.
Yeah.
Yeah, so you can't be snuck up on.
Yeah.
But then I would say that this isn't just for women.
I think men would use this too.
You think?
I think this sounds to me like something as if a kid, as a kid, if I had heard of this,
I would have wanted one to just be like,
oh no, I'm not looking at you.
Look, my back is totally to you.
And then you're like, haha, I've got my...
I think predators would use this too.
I feel like women are going to use it to avoid men
and men are going to use it to look at women.
Well, okay.
Look, but don't touch.
Slogan.
Predators, we've been over this.
I know.
And we know you're listening.
We've talked to you before on pod.
Yeah.
Just stop.
How's that app working out?
You weren't supposed to use it.
Mm-hmm.
Gotcha.
Yep.
Oh, I hope you said I don't know.
I've never used it.
Be honest, Predators.
Yeah.
For once in your lives.
Seriously.
Get your act together, Predators.
Yeah, or go to jail.
Yeah.
You pieces of shit.
Just go to jail and be like, I'm a Predator.
Yeah.
Be like, let me in.
Let me in.
Yeah.
I want in.
God.
And the guards will be like, okay.
They have to.
Legally, if you go to a jail and say, let me in, they have to let you in.
I thought everyone knew that.
And they have to give you a nice roommate.
Yep.
Because you know predators will get attacked You know that where they going to need our product in prison Oh yeah In the showers Oh yeah If you know what I mean Because of sex
Do you know how fast I would take a shower in prison?
I'd be like in and out.
I see what you're saying.
I heard you meant like as soon as you got in.
The second I get in prison, I'm getting into the bathroom, baby.
That's a weird, weird thing to want.
Okay.
Yeah, no, you, but we're clear.
We see the local prison.
Francis is like, let me in, let me in.
And they have to.
Yeah.
You're there, just a towel around your waist.
I have soap to drop.
From zero to shower, real fast.
Okay.
I think the glasses thing is better than the radar, like, sound alert.
I think that would freak people out.
I just think it would work.
Then, oh, I'm also imagining,
how distracting would it be to have,
wouldn't you always be kind of looking at the,
I'm imagining ladies running and then falling into a fountain
because they're not paying attention to what's behind them.
No, it's like a heads-up display.
So in your glasses, just in a corner of your vision,
it'll pop up with the rear view.
And then you have the chance to get rid of it.
quick swipe if it's nothing.
But you can still see everything.
Okay.
It's like a picture in picture window.
PNP.
Well, yeah.
Does something like this already exist?
No.
No, if it does not.
Absolutely not.
Yeah, let's check samsclub.com.
I don't think so. This feels
fresh.
Okay.
What would you like to call
your glasses. Oof, I don't
really know. Maybe like
safe-see
or like
I don't know. Joe?
The no contact lens.
No contact.
No touching. Yeah, no contact
lens.
She spy.
She spy?
Yeah.
She spies seashells by the seashore.
EHP.
Empty-handed predator.
The juvie jogger for branded merch.
Oh, great.
Yeah, yeah, that's good.
Chubby jogger.
Okay.
Are there any other...
I feel like there's something I'm missing about this.
You mean like a flaw?
Yeah, like a flaw.
No.
No, that's weird.
Once I pivoted, I thought it completely through.
I mean, I did see the wheels churning.
Yeah.
Okay.
I guess perfect product.
Wow, you guys.
I know, outstanding work.
A lot of people are going to buy these.
Especially in downtown LA.
Yeah.
Oh, well, I mean, for sure.
And a lot of people will abandon them and then the homeless in downtown LA will have them instead.
I wonder if we could partner with Jim Brewer.
Ooh.
So his promoters could talk about his tickets and also.
Goat Boy and the Juby Joggers.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Match made in heaven.
Oh, nice.
Very good.
all right well nice work i think that wraps up the invention of the week
all right it's time for our next segment our next seg
everlasting bob stopper hey there everybody my name's bob i sure hope nobody stops me
shall i just explain everlasting i would love that hello audience the way that
everlasting bob stopper works that's right bob stopper is that one of us will be bob
a regular guy just going about his life but little does he know
everyone around him is out to get him and they will go to extreme lengths to ruin his day and
stop him from doing what he's trying to do.
That's it.
Okay. Jenna, would you like
to be Bob or would you like to stop Bob?
Um,
I think I'd like to be Bob.
Okay.
Here we go.
Ooh.
Just gonna head to my favorite cafe
to get my favorite
sandwich.
Hello there. We don't open for two minutes.
Oh, no problem.
I will wait. The sandwich is worth the wait.
Two metric minutes.
What's a metric minute?
It's longer.
Okay, well.
Sorry, you may be trying another cafe.
No, I got time on my hands. I'll just wait.
Okay.
I'm really sick.
Two metric minutes later.
Okay, come in, Bob.
Well, it did feel a lot longer.
That's good. What do you want? Can I get you?
I will have
the number...
Let me ask you a quick question.
Do you baste the turkey in-house
for the turkey sandwich?
I'm sorry, I'm having really trouble understanding your thick accent.
Do you baste the turkey
in-house for the turkey sandwich?
Yes, I would say the face of the jerky
is in a blouse.
Oh, come on. I was real clear there.
Okay.
I don't know.
I'm going to write this down for you.
You do know how to read, right?
I'm going to write this down.
Yeah, go ahead and write it down.
Do you baste the turkey in hell?
All right, here it is.
I got my big whiteboard with me.
Luckily, I brought that with me today.
Let's see.
Oh, we just got rid of the last turkey.
Sorry, Bob.
You got a lot of turkey falling out of your mouth right now.
Well, you took a long time to write that down.
I feel like I was fairly quick.
I had all these words pre-written out.
I just slapped it on there like magnets.
That was so fast.
Hey, Bob, shut up.
Since this is the only thing we sell, you should probably go.
We're closed.
All right, fine.
I'm going to go take a walk in the park.
Great, see you tomorrow.
Maybe play some chess.
Whatever.
Bob, is that you?
Yeah.
Bob, sit down, Bob.
Oh, so great.
I missed you, yes.
It's great to see an old friend.
How are you, Gerard?
I was fine until you called me old.
I just...
I'm kidding.
I'm rising here.
Oh, Gerard.
So nice to see your friendly face.
I've had kind of a weird day.
Sit down.
Let's play chess.
Talk about it.
Hey, I like you.
Okay.
Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, well.
Night.
No Gerard
What's going on? I don't feel good
No Gerard
No no no no
Not your heart
Oh my god what's going on with Gerard
Dad
Oh Gerard Junior no
Don't look at your dad like this
You were the last person who was with him
What'd you do
Nothing I just went night to be four
Father
Gerard Junior no
The Dodgers had at least two months left
What did you do
Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Gerard Jr.
I did nothing.
We were just playing a friendly game of chess.
He pooped.
He's dead.
I'm sorry.
I think that's just something that the body does when it's dying.
I'm so sorry, Gerard Jr.
He did it next to you, everyone.
I know.
It's kind of all over me.
I can't believe it.
Get out of this park.
Okay.
You son of a bitch.
All right.
I'm just going to go sit in a quiet movie theater.
Nothing bad can happen in a quiet movie theater.
Hey.
What?
There's one open chair next to me.
Oh, this is a really packed movie theater.
Oh, I know.
Everyone really wants to see it.
It's Transformers 9.
Sit down.
Okay.
Oh, thank you so much.
You don't mind moving your popcorn?
No.
For me to sit down.
You can actually have some of my popcorn if you want.
Oh, God.
Thank you.
I've been having such a day.
Yeah, reach in there.
Reach in there all the way to the bottom.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Ooh.
Do you...
Oh.
Do you sprinkle gummy worms inside your popcorn?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
Do you like...
Do you like gummy worms?
Oh, it's...
I'm trying to...
Well, I don't know if I've ever had one.
I'm going to try to get it out.
They're hard to get out.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm just...
I'm tugging and I'm tugging.
It seems stuck to the bottom there.
Oh.
Oops.
Did you ask for extra butter?
What's...
Oh. Oh.
Oh, you're not a kindly stranger.
And you're not my wife.
No, I'm not your wife.
Get out of here. I'm not horny anymore.
I got what I wanted. Stop looking at me.
Come on.
These aren't other people. These are mannequins, by the way.
No.
I had to make sure I was going to get you.
Oh, in the dark. They all look like real people.
Yeah, I told you. I can't look at you anymore.
This was an elaborate plot.
that would anyone have done or did it have to be me?
It always had to be you,
Bob.
No,
that's right.
Get out of here and wash your hands.
Oh God.
Oh,
you know what?
I'm just going to go down.
I'm going to go down to my local gym and,
and work this,
work this out.
I,
I feel,
Oh,
what a day.
What a terrible day.
Oh yeah.
Lifting weights.
Now one and two.
Hey,
You don't mind if I three and spot you?
Do it four.
Oh, no, please.
Oh, I went up in wait, so I feel like I need a spotter.
Yeah, I saw that.
Wow.
I did it.
You really did.
New PR.
Wow, new goal.
Amazing.
Yeah.
Thank you for your help.
Man, this has been just quite possibly one of the worst days.
Is it? Has it really been one of the worst days?
Yeah, it really has.
Oh, I hate to hear that for you.
Thank you.
I hate to hear that for you.
Bob, by the way.
Oh, I know.
What?
Oh, I know.
This isn't a normal gym, Bob.
What do you mean?
Let me go ahead and take this partition down.
Ha ha
You're at the gym at the old folk center
No
These weights are on babysitting
Ha ha
You weren't breaking a sweat
Oh no
Oh my god
By the way your hands smell weird
Yeah sorry about that
Ha ha
Don't go to the movies
You're not fit
Oh man
I thought these were real weights
It's just little
Hey old people come out and look
You're better than Bob
Ah he's so weak
see she never that's the first time she ever talked oh my god yeah this is humiliating i know
that was difficult for me i know it was you know why placebo everyone sing the song we practiced
bob sucks bob is the worst weak muscles bob
Good job, guys.
Good job.
That song really
twisted a knife into my heart.
Good.
Although I did appreciate the harmonies.
Yeah, well, those weren't for you.
Those were for us.
Too bad.
You can't stop me from appreciating harmonies.
Okay.
You can't take that from me.
You're trespassing now.
Yeah.
You've been notified.
Now you have to leave.
I'm going home to my beautiful wife
and my kids.
That'll make me feel better.
That always makes me feel better.
The end of a hard day.
I don't care.
Hun, what's wrong, babe?
Sugar, you would not believe the day that I've had.
What's wrong?
You look verklempt.
You look brain-addled.
What's going on?
I couldn't get a basted turkey sandwich.
And then Gerard shat on me and died.
Gerard?
And then there was a whole disgusting gummy worm thing that I won't tell you too much about.
I'm sure if I needed to know, you'd tell me.
I accidentally jacked a guy off.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
That's okay.
When I took my vows, I meant them.
And that was an accident.
I was tricked into it.
It was not on purpose, honey.
I just want you to know that.
And then I thought, hey, I'm going to go lift a bunch of weights and feel better about myself.
And then it turns out it was baby weights that even really old people could do.
Old people baby weights?
Old people baby weights.
And they all laughed.
And they sang a pretty great song, actually, about how much I sucked.
Someone wrote a song about you, Bob?
Yeah, it was, I mean, on the one hand, do I appreciate the gesture that they put in the time?
But on the other hand, I don't know, it was humiliating to hear a chorus of old people singing Bob sucks.
That's not bad.
Yeah, it was kind of catchy.
Hey, I'm just curious.
When are you going to ask who this gentleman is here that's next to me?
Oh, I didn't even.
Sorry, I didn't even probably just so happy to see you.
Just I'm assuming it must be some kind of traveling salesman of some kind.
We do need a new vacuum cleaner.
That would be really helpful.
Hi, I'm Bob.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, Bob.
I'm your wife's new husband.
Wait, what?
We found a legal loophole.
If old people sing a song about you that's humiliating but also contains a fun harmony,
the marriage is void.
What?
And his kids are his now, too.
No.
It's true.
I legally adopted them just before you came in.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This kid, no, no, no.
This has got to be some kind of a prank.
A man's home is his castle.
You can't take that from him.
Your kids are already calling me dad.
Oh, no.
God, this feels so familiar.
It's okay.
It going to be okay Oh this is Is there no place that safe from the torture that has become my life Yeah
Wait, does that mean yes, no place is safe or yes, there is a safe place?
No, there is a safe place.
Oh, please tell me where it is.
Sugar, can I call you Sugar anymore?
No, no, no, no.
Regina.
I can call her Sugar now.
Yeah.
What's your name?
New Bob.
Yeah.
Yeah, that works.
New Bob, of course.
If you say it faster, it sounds more like a real name.
New Bob.
Oh, I love you.
You're safe to go to your parents' house.
Oh, okay.
That's right.
Mom and dad.
Yep.
I gotta go there.
I need some kind of comfort.
I agree.
Please leave.
Mom?
Honey.
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you in so long.
I know.
I'm real sorry about that.
Oh, it's okay.
I know that you have a good reason.
Get in here.
Hey, thank you.
Oh, God, thank you so much.
Hey, you're my baby boy.
My baby boy, Bob.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
I just, oh, this feels nice.
Bob baby.
Yeah.
Oh.
Mr. Bob.
Yeah.
Anyway, I see that you have no wedding ring on.
Come in.
Oh, you noticed that right away?
You took it off, huh?
Yeah, it took a long time
My fingers are a little bit bigger now
That's okay
When I got married
Hey, you're my big baby Bob
Big Bob baby
Thanks, Mom
No!
What's happening to me?
No, Mom!
Not you too!
My wife!
What happened to my wife?
She's shitting!
In front of you!
Dad, I'm sorry!
Get out!
No!
Fuck you!
Well, it sounds like Bob has been stopped.
That's just one day.
Oh, poor Bob.
Well, that wraps up.
Turkey sandwich.
Everlasting Bobstopper.
oh no how long is all this stopping gonna last
wow poor bob fun segment yeah not for bob no no no but for the rest of the world they enjoyed it
yeah nemeses he had multiple nemesis arch nemesis yeah the latin
okay well i think it's time for one final segment that is the big question
the question is very big how big is it
do we have a big question well this happens every week and i always go uh francis i hope
you have a big question for me you said before that you didn't right well we're seeing behind
the curtain audience oh yes the big you you doubt that i could come up with a big question no you do
every week yeah don't don't worry i'm not worried absolutely don't worry is that what you're vamping
right now. No, I'm not
vamping. No, he's not
vamping. Not at all. Here's
the big question. Okay.
The big question is
I don't have one.
And I'm thinking really hard.
How hard are you thinking?
Do you have a question for Chance?
Um.
Joe, do you have a question for a chance?
I mean, I think we've talked about the soft pod before.
We can talk about the Chuck Klosterman question about like paying incremental sums of money to be like X percent more attractive.
Do you remember that one?
Oh, yes, that's right.
I do remember that.
You want to set it up?
Yeah.
So the question is you, no, I don't know.
Maybe I don't remember exactly how it goes.
Like someone offers you an opportunity and it's like a, it's kind of like a genie situation,
but it's just one thing that they're offering to do, which is they can make you more attractive,
but they can only do it one time and you pay whatever amount of money you want to pay.
But however much you put in is proportional to how much more attractive you become.
So the question is, do you accept this opportunity?
And if so, how much money are you paying this one time,
knowing that you can only do this one time to make yourself X percent more attractive?
And more money means more attractive.
but you don't know like the scale the scale of you don't know the scale well yeah you don't so
you don't know how you don't know how much more attractive you would get if you put in 200 versus
100 so it could theoretically make all the difference in the world and you'd be way hotter
or it could be like your nose is just like slightly smoother or something and then you
just paid 100 but you only you only get to try it once so what do you commit to doing hoping that
it's enough but you because i mean it could be something as like a dollar gets you next to
nothing maybe like you grow one extra hair on your head or something like that or you lose 10 pounds
or you lose it but you don't know oh because it could be like what if ten thousand dollars is the
only like would be like a minimum of that's now you start really looking so like but then what if
$10,000 is so ridiculously much that it's like you,
you go like crazy to attractive.
Yeah.
So it's basically a question that's attractive.
Well,
okay.
So I was thinking about this the other day.
I remember being a kid,
like when I was young and thinking like if you like,
we're like genie wishes to the listeners at home.
Francis did a slow blink head nod when I said genie wishes.
yeah oh like oh yeah oh yeah because you want to think like you want to be able to like properly
get your wish right and i was thinking i remember being a kid thinking like well maybe a wish could
be you you no matter who sees you you are the most attractive person to that person so like
everybody finds you the most attractive person on earth perfect wish no but then i think to go back
to your to go back to your invention from this week i like if you're a lady 100 you're you're
gonna get r-worded at some point uh because somebody and then like that's too much if you're
listening and we know you are yeah that's that's too much like what if you could turn it off
whenever you wanted though.
Just like...
You know when like
the Midas touch,
everything you touch is gold?
Yeah.
What if you didn't want it?
You could just like
reach out and like
touch the person
with intent
like on the shoulder
and then you'd be ugly to them?
Or it's just like
the one ring.
Like you can like
take it on or off
at any point.
But wouldn't that be like
jarring to people that
like because what if you want
to just like run to the grocery store
and so you have it off
but then it's like
somebody that knows you
but you...
Yeah.
That would be like
very jarring for the rest of society yeah like does it ruin it does it ruin it for them if they're
like well even if you put the ring back on it's like well i've seen you and you're less attractive
so okay so how about this this is a new big question
what is your dream genie wish you you get three genie wishes i get three you get three i'm gonna
to give you three. That's standard.
Standard. Yeah, that's standard
genie. American standard genie wish.
Yeah.
That's like day one of genie
contract law school. Yeah.
Obvs.
So, okay.
Do I have any limits?
The standard limits? Which is you can't wish for
more wishes? Yeah, you can't wish for more wishes.
Anything else?
No, I think that's it.
You just get three and we're going to,
um,
we're going to do this,
uh,
like needful things style.
You praise your wish.
And then I'm going to see if I can somehow ruin it.
Like the devil would.
What style?
Needful things.
Okay.
I think that was,
it was a Stephen King book or short story or something where it's like the
devil has,
there was a Rick and Morty episode about it too.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Where the devil has the,
like the shop that.
I remember.
Here's wish one.
Okay.
Here it comes.
And here it is.
Wish one is mind control.
That I could control other people's actions.
At will?
You need to phrase this.
Yeah.
You need to phrase this properly.
At my discretion, I can influence anyone I want to do as I please.
You know, sometimes you pull up to a parking space and someone else gets it.
I could literally be like, hey, move your car.
And they'll just be like, okay.
And then boom, I got a parking space.
Okay.
Not bad.
that would become
real addictive real fast.
I think you just find yourself orchestrating
every situation.
That doesn't bother me.
That doesn't bother you at all?
I imagine I'm talking to someone having a great time
and all of a sudden I'm bored.
I could be like, you're done talking to me.
And they'd be like, bye.
I'd be like, God.
Do you mentally, do you say it out loud
and then they just have to like, do they feel it
or is it just like they feel like
something's taking over?
I like it both ways because like in Harry Potter world,
you can do like a spell with your wand or you can do like a nonverbal incantation.
I like having the option.
The imperious curse, right?
Is that that one?
Where you control somebody else?
Yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
But they feel it.
Like they feel like it's not just like suddenly they're like,
oh, you know what?
I don't want this parking space.
And then.
Yeah, so it's like that.
So they feel like it's their own free will.
Yeah.
But they don't know that it's not.
Right.
you've actually it might get to the point where like they could go home and like they could be
telling their spouse about their day and like something happened and they're like oh why did
you do that and they'd be like i don't know i just felt like it yeah i don't know why i did that
i'll tell you why bitch why did you had a desire why did you stick your hand in francis's popcorn
at the movies i don't know i don't know why you were my instrument oh that's a creepy way to say
that um uh okay okay wish to wish to um wish to is a debit account like a bank account that
always replenishes like no matter what i'm trying to buy i always have the money to buy it
yeah this feels like i mean wish one is kind of all encapsulating so well it's like mind control
I was like, hey, give me money.
Go to the ATM and put out some money.
I could get money, but also I don't want to have to worry about that every time.
I just want to go to lunch.
But at lunch I could literally be like, count my meal.
Well, yeah, exactly.
Yeah, the mind control one, sure it would be useful.
I almost said useless.
Sure it would be useful.
But it feels like it would very quickly,
I feel like it would be soul-sucking.
like if you know that like everything that's happening that's good everything that you want
in life that you get is like not because other people i feel like people would also like start to
seem like lesser beings to you at a certain yeah you'd have a god complex i am willing to live with
that okay well you don't think like but then if somebody like let's say you have you meet somebody
and you're like, I really like them.
And like, like friend or romantically.
And you're just like, I really like them.
I really like want to spend time with them.
And then they, they spend time with you
and it seems like you have a good rapport,
but you don't know if they're just spending time with you
because you're making them.
Well, I know because I wouldn't, I don't have to use it.
Like, I'm not going to go like hang out with our friend group
and like use my power of persuasion.
There'd be no point.
I would think at the certain point you'd start like mentally controlling people so much that
like even just the thought of being like oh I wish this person would stop talking and then they just
would you just think it and then you or like oh I wish this person would come over like if you're
just thinking it and then it happens and then so then you get to the point where you're delusional
and you're it's like spiraling out of control and you never know what you're really controlling
that could be a side effect you're right but you're willing to take that chance yep okay
All right.
Okay.
You want to go one for one?
You want to tell me yours?
Or do you want to hear three of mine?
I want to hear three of yours.
The debit card is important to me.
I feel like that's one of my wishes, too.
Basically, just...
I'm not looking for a vault of money.
I'm just looking to always be able to afford what I want to do.
Yes.
Yeah.
I would agree with that one, too.
So that's one of my wishes.
That's a great wish.
Thank you.
Yeah, really, really good at that.
We're good people.
Yep.
Except that I don't want to control everyone's waking.
Also, that's so nice, though, because you can get people out of your way.
You know, people are like, sir, and it's like, nope, you're gone.
I'm picturing people, like, flying.
Like, foosh, foosh.
My third wish is that Spider-Man is real so he could save those people I'm throwing around.
My third wish is that since I have everything else I want,
I would just say that I'm always in perfect health.
Like I always the picture of health you know Does that mean that you get to a point where you like never die no I would say you just you always feel good and you always healthy
you know what I mean so like you're not getting sick if like stuff's going around
like you don't get any disease or virus you're just like a healthy hearty person
like you're always in your prime so then how do you die
I use mind control to kill myself
time to go to heaven
touching my shoulders
come on god
cause you're god now
you know
that's a good
always feeling good
let me rephrase
until I die of natural causes
I want to be completely and totally healthy
that makes sense
I mean, death is part of the life cycle.
Yeah.
And like there can be a flower that's like looking wilty
and a flower that's like in perfect shape,
but they're both going to die eventually.
Yeah.
You know, I could even in the hospital,
I could just, I could find someone and be like,
overdose me.
I'm ready.
Use my mind control.
That's good.
Make someone a murderer.
I'll talk to him first.
Make sure I find someone I really find repugnant.
Okay.
Um,
you can't find anyone.
So you're just like,
go be repugnant first and then come back.
Tell me you're repugnant.
I need to hear it.
I've written down a list of things that you're going to go tweet.
Burn the index card when you're done with it.
Um,
okay.
Yeah.
The health one.
That's a good one.
Um, Jenna, you have two. Okay. I would want to,
uh, see, this is tough because it's like the, it's like the beautiful one. It's like,
you don't want to attract too much attention. Cause I would say something like,
I would like to like always be charming to whomever I encounter you know that feeling like you know
when you meet someone and you're like hey you know I like them like even if it's just like for a
second a stranger and you're like I'm not going to see them again yeah but you have good rapport
with people um I feel like if you were always charming you would get far in life and I still
want like i don't want to just like i mean i know the unlimited money thing is something that i have
said that i wanted so but i still want to be able to like work for things you know what i mean it's
totally overrated work for things that i want for things enough i think we have it in our heads
but i don't but like some of the the greatest like moments in my life have been when i found
out I got something that I worked really hard for right where it's just like ah like I did it and
like that moment of just like like that's such an amazing feeling and if so if you're just given
everything you never have that like you never have that moment yeah I think we can bank on the
memories of the times that you had that you know okay so starting now I just have to remember that
what that feeling was it was great and you felt it and you remember feeling it yay
so move on move on and take the things for free
well take the things for free but i still want to have goals that i might not achieve
unless you could do that okay that's that's what i mean like i still like i still do think the
money thing is is worthwhile um but yeah i i so maybe just being more charming in general like
that'll give me a leg up but then i then does much more charming could you be like uh like a lot
more i'm charmed well thank you i appreciate that but i think there's quite a few people in
this world that don't like me um i've encountered them in my life well when my powers turn on i'm
going to yeet them away from us oh maybe maybe i pivot maybe i do something like
i always know when someone's lying
but also no one knows when i'm like i don't know i i know see that's the thing is like
because then what do you do about it well yeah because here okay i thought about this quite a
bit i don't know why i didn't say it probably because i want the other stuff more but if someone
asked like a question wouldn't it be cool if you always knew the right answer no matter what the
question was you just like always knew the right thing or like knew how to make the right choice
Can you drink bleach? Yes. Great.
That's the right answer.
And it's diluted or complete form.
Francis in the back, no!
But you know, like, just to know.
Yeah.
But then, does that, all of that knowledge,
is it stored in your head or does it only come out when you're asked?
That would be a nice compromise.
Someone needs to ask the question and then you know.
So like you could maybe save a wish
on the infinite debit card by just being like forever jeopardy champion yeah but then you're
spending a lot of time at the jeopardy set yeah so many pictures studios you're there all the time
doesn't that sound cool though jenna asked me what the winning lottery numbers are
um i think yeah that would be a cool sub power i um i always thought it was crazy when people
were like i would want to read minds it's like i don't want to read minds that sounds terrible i
used to think that i switched to controlling them yeah that's better controlling is definitely better
than reading i don't want to know what people really are thinking about i did the same thing
with books recently i was tired of reading them so i started controlling them
that's why the books are doing your bidding oh i get it now
so
yeah i want uh i also thought about that in speaking of harry potter the
the the luck potion the felices yes that seemed like that would be kind of an amazing feeling
harry seemed like he was having a great time great old time just to be like extremely lucky
all the time just to like because i think about the times when it's like oh like like if i like
like grab something in a weird way and then i accidentally chip a nail or something like that
it's like that's a stupid little thing right and it's inconsequential but it's like oh if i just
hadn't grabbed that thing that way my nail would be fine right now or something like that but
he's being lucky but then does that take the mystery out i guess you you don't care about
that you don't want the mystery out of life you're you you you do want the mystery out yeah
get it out um i think i would rather have the by location thing that hermione has
in the third one oh the time turner yeah yeah why are you gonna do with it well there was a uh
there was a tv show we're done in the day there was a tv show productive well also too like if
you have like a really shitty experience somewhere and just be like all right well i'm i don't want
to like wait for, uh, yeah, like you can just turn back time and do something else. Oh, very good. Um,
there was a TV show in the nineties, I think it was early nineties where I forget out of this
world. Maybe there was this girl and she found out her dad was an alien and she used to have this
power where she put her fingers to the tips of her fingers together and time would stop. And so
like she would be like oh no I forgot to do my homework and then like put the tips and she just
like do it real quick and everybody else was stopped and then I always thought that would be
cool because then you could just I was always thinking you could just like sleep in constantly
in like the last possible second just kind of like get to where you're going there was the same
power in heroes one of the guys could do that with time that was pretty cool um yeah that would
be cool and he could travel in time like uh what am i thinking not time travel um
where you pop to different teleportation thank you teleportation yeah yeah out of this world
1987 a teenager starts to develop powers inherited from her alien father oh wow way to go jenna
remember that yeah you are you do i i uh i thought that was really cool as a kid mostly oh i would
also think it would be really cool to have the power to see your dreams like like no or yeah
see somebody else's but like be able to essentially like watch a movie of them yeah watch a movie of
them it's like a tv show on netflix yeah that would be awesome yeah that would be cool yeah i
would watch that every day if every night i got to just every day i got to watch my previous night's
dreams yeah that'd be pretty cool juby's dreams i dream of juby yes love it does she have light
brown hair is she a woman well uh i think we've got some solid solid wishes down so i promise not
to control you or Joe. I appreciate
that and I promise
that my
charm won't
be bad. I don't know.
See if I was more charming, that would have come out
better. And I promise that if I turn back
time on you guys, it'll only be
because I just want to do it over again
because it was so damn fun.
Aww.
That wraps up
the big question.
The big question.
All right, Francis, you know what time it is.
I can tell by the look on your face.
Yeah, and I don't have it.
I don't have your words.
I don't think I have yours either.
I really needed it, too, because I'm so far behind.
All right.
Okay.
I don't know if you are behind.
I have to check the tallies.
After the last couple of wins you've had, you've been kicking me in the face.
Go to veryfinefriends.com to check out the point totals,
and we'll see who's in the lead.
It is possible that I am catching up to Francis.
I think you had a healthy enough lead, though.
It was healthy, but...
It's dwindling, for sure.
Well, maybe it will stop.
Okay.
Okay, let me just guess.
Okay.
Gummy.
No.
Jarring.
No.
Rapport.
No.
Pivot.
No.
Lucky.
No.
Why'd you look at your Nix card?
That's all the guesses I had.
Dang, I really thought I was going to get you to guess my decoy word.
Well, let's hear it.
Well, my regular word, my real word, was outstanding.
I don't like that.
I'm sorry.
I said outstanding job, Francis, or something like that.
Which actually was an outstanding job.
I meant it and I said it.
My.
You're being a real pick me girl with your decoy word.
Yeah, I know.
I really, really wanted to hear this.
My decoy word was.
Francis, can you guess what Jenna's decoy word was?
Yeah.
Do you have a guess for my decoy word?
She was being a real pick me.
She was real thirsty for you to get this one.
Oh, I said it multiple times.
No, I don't.
Nothing stood out.
There's going to be a bunch of dings, decoy dings in the listening back.
what was it
baste
did I say that at all it doesn't matter
you didn't know you were actually really good
that's why I thought you knew what it was because you
like were very particular about not saying
I said do you baste the turkey in
house like eight times yeah
oh that's funny no
ding oh you don't
need it I need it she was selling
baste out on the street for a nickel
yeah ace of baste
and you did not see the sign
well
listeners aren't you glad you stuck around for this
that was funny wordplay
well alright
I have some guesses for you but I don't
think
oh god
okay
is your word
repugnant
no
okay
that was my deco
I'm kidding
no
No.
Oh, no, you got me to say it.
Is your word predators?
No.
Okay.
Is your word philosopher?
No.
Is your word...
Okay, now I'm moving into decoy word guessing.
You're guessing decoys?
I'm going to guess two decoys now.
Is your decoy word Latin?
No.
Is your decoy word pooped?
No.
No?
Oh, no.
Those were all my guesses.
Okay, are you ready?
Yeah.
My word was addled.
Oh.
When did you say it?
Is it something about being brain addled?
Yeah.
That's the proper way to say that.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, good job.
And my decoy word was seg.
Oh.
Oh, is this it? Is this the seg? Is that, oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
To be fair to me, I had to give you a weird decoy word because you said out loud, what does this mean?
I know.
For a second.
So like that made it kind of difficult.
You got your word. You actually said, what does this mean? And then you're like, nevermind, I got it.
So like I had to give you a decoy word that could have been.
I was looking at all my words and then I was looking at all my words that I was going to guess.
And I was like, Francis knows what all these words mean.
wouldn't have said, what does that mean?
So you gave.
I threw you off a little bit.
Well, no traction
gained or lost this episode.
Oh, well. There's only one thing
left to do.
Wish the genie that I win this game.
Oh, sorry. The genie went home.
Oh, no. He only had a babysitter until
nine. Dang. Yeah.
Next time. Good father.
Little genie babies.
Yeah. No, I was just going to see
if either of you guys wanted
any of this popcorn over here.
Oh.
Oh, it feels like there's a sweet treat inside.
Gotcha!
No!
All right.
Bye, listeners.