okay this would be a really funny ability to have you know how Roger Rabbit you ever seen Roger
Rabbit no are you serious why it came out when I was a kid we were not allowed to watch it I think
because Jessica Rabbit was very sexy.
She was hot, but she kept her clothes on.
Well, she got huge tits that were barely covered.
The irony.
Okay, mine are covered.
So I think we're good.
I mean, granted, at any moment.
They could come out.
Yeah, but at the moment they're covered.
Well, there's a scene in the movie
where Roger Rabbit jumps out a window
and it leaves the shape of him.
Yeah.
And I'm like, how funny would that be
if you could just do that?
Yeah.
I know, it's too bad that we can't.
I've often thought that that's really funny.
Yeah, that'd be a really funny bit.
That would be expensive for people to clean up.
Well, no, or would it be?
Glass is expensive.
Oh, jumping out the window, like the glass look like that.
Okay, I don't know what I was thinking.
You seem to be so on board.
I always picture people jumping through walls like that
and the wall being the same shape.
I was picturing both.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, both of those things cost money.
But hey, I mean, if the cleaners are laughing while they're doing it,
are they really working?
That sounds like play to me.
Yeah, just tape it up.
I'll probably do it again.
Yeah, I know.
See if I can get the exact same.
That would be fun to try.
Yeah, yeah.
Then it would become like a game.
What would you call it?
Body hole.
yeah self-slot did you say self-slot yeah yeah i wish you'd said that before i heard body hole
hole i know oh can't beat it oh you know what else i always think is a fun gag
or like visual image in a movie tell me when um i think sidecars on motorcycles in general are
funny but when they become detached and go downstairs that's really funny i don't know if
i've ever seen one go downstairs it's like well it's like uh aristocats yeah it's like the
motorcycle oh no the sidecar is detached and then it starts to drift over here and then it's like
downstairs like i and it's it's an aristocats right i don't remember i think it's aristocats
i feel like it's in a lot of cartoons from like the 60s yeah or maybe it's 101 dalmatians one of
those two but like there's a bike and a sidecar and then like the big dogs and the bike and the
little dog is in the sidecar and they're like they're coming out towards like one of those
like stairs down to the riverbank kind of things and the the big dog stays straight and then the
little dog just goes straight down and like they cleanly detach and keep going in a straight line
it's pretty solid yeah it's solid yeah good good gags yeah cartoons should be like gags it should
be like life life should be like cartoons rather oh yeah yeah you don't fall unless you notice that
you're not on solid ground.
That's a good one. Yeah.
And no matter how scary it seems, you know you're going to be fine.
Oh, and big
cartoon butter.
Big cartoon butter? You know when they like butter toast
and it looks like the best toast you could ever have in your life?
Give me something. And cartoon beer.
Cartoon beer, dude. Cartoon beer.
So good. So fizzy. That's why I was
that's why I'm not a huge, I think it's cartoons
have ruined beer for me. It's because it's like
I want it to taste like what it looks like
in a cartoon where it looks like
just the most magical cream soda you've ever
had and it said it tastes like beer stupid we should sue i i'm going to sue i'm literally suing
right now thank god you're a lawyer should you sue cartoons incorporated or should you sue i'm
suing beer beer yeah yes cartoons did nothing wrong yeah they were like here we're setting
the stage we just gave you what we showed you yes we just invented a great drink for you don't
screw it up.
The beer was like,
nah.
Yeah.
Yep.
Beer's like,
no.
Yeah.
Beer's like,
I don't know.
We're gonna make it like bitter.
Yeah.
Weird tasting.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Sounds kind of whalish.
Welcome to Very Fine Friends,
a podcast where friends talk about stuff.
Well,
I'm glad we've gotten our cartoon grievances out of the way.
Some of them.
Beer, look out.
We're coming for you.
Yeah, you've got time.
You're on notice.
Get cartoony.
Yeah.
And Francis is a lawyer, as we have established.
And I just paid my dues.
Your law dues.
Yeah, so I'm ready.
I'm in a bad mood.
Oh.
Watch out.
Yeah, beer.
So I can hear beer shaking in its boots.
Yeah, that's right.
Fizz up.
Anyway.
But fizz up to a cartoony level, please.
Yeah.
And then tastes like cream soda.
How are you, Francis?
Good.
That doesn't sound enthusiastic.
I deal with some personal stuff.
I'm sorry.
You know, life, life, life, life.
I think I've been hexed.
No.
I want to find someone to unhex me.
I'll help you with that.
Thanks.
Sure.
I didn't know you needed to be.
I could have done this a long time ago.
Oh, I should be more open with my needs and wants.
You're hexing.
yeah just ask for you gotta ask your friends for help i keep too much in i'm famously an
undersharer it's true i know nothing about you uh how are you doing i'm doing well
yeah i'm doing well hold it in i'm not your therapist i thought that would land better
well you are actually the closest thing i have to a therapist so in a way you are i have some
pretty good advice you know i once wanted to go to school to be a therapist oh yeah yeah
when what happened um i think you'd be a good therapist thank you i'm so fucked up um there's
a lot of school like i thought you could get a bachelor's and then do like counseling but you
really can't you have to like get a master's and i'm like so much time yeah just to help people
time to help people why don't you just trust me that i'll eventually get it or just trust me that
I'm going to give good advice. Yeah. There's Yelp. You'll know if I'm doing good or bad.
Yeah. I thought you meant like they could look at your Yelp reviews and be like,
this guy clearly gives good advice. Go here. Don't go here. That's what I meant. Yes. Yeah.
He's got good taste and good recommendations. Okay. This is, I feel like I could curate the
most amazing therapy room that you'd like want to go to you know what I mean like how what would
you do like I just feel like I could pick out the perfect chairs like I would have I would have
a really nice chaise lounge but like a really professional one so if you wanted to kind of
lay back you could do that but I would also have a nice like comfortable chair that you could sit
if you didn't want to be in the chaise lounge, so you got to choose.
Of course, there would be books, many books.
So I could choose the chaise?
Choose the chaise of cha.
Chas.
Anyway, I'd be there, so huge plus.
I mentioned the books, just beautiful art, probably Kandinsky.
Oh.
You know, things along that nature.
Nice.
Yeah.
You'd probably be...
What would be the color palette?
um well i like pest not pestles i know i said that i like gem tones yes same
come to my therapy room yeah nothing like a i like a saturated color yeah probably an emerald
yeah oh emerald's great yeah emerald's great good ruby accent too is not bad
love you're probably half cured just by walking in this room yeah but then would you be worried
that you're creating an environment so soothing people wouldn't want to leave?
I'm charged by the hour.
I know, but you still, you also probably,
I feel like if I was a therapist, I'm like,
50 minutes is, I'm sure I hate you by the end of that 50 minutes.
I'm going to need you to go.
I just have like one of those, what do they call them?
Like the daylight lights.
I just like flip it on, like overhead lighting.
The gays know what I'm talking about.
You mean like a last call late?
Yeah.
Like at a bar?
Yeah.
At the 45 minute mark, just...
All right.
Wrap it up.
Tapping my pen.
You're someone with a hook.
Like coming backstage.
Yeah.
My assistant, the vaudeville pullout.
Yeah.
Even orchestra play them off.
How come no one's tried this?
I don't know.
Again, that's another comically funny thing.
It's a giant hook.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
and right before we die we add up all the points and then we get a prize whoever has the most points
for guessing the most secret words here's joe with today's secret words jenna's secret word
is sideburns jenna's decoy word is inviting francis's secret word is middleman francis's
decoy word is commercialism back to the pod you know it's not comically funny
the invention of the weed oh i disagree
inventions
great segue thank you thank you so much i invented it myself speaking of which francis
would you like to share with us your invention this week yeah okay are you sure yeah yeah yeah
All right, cool.
Yeah!
Oh, okay, I'm convinced now.
Okay.
Hey, you guys.
Yeah?
You know how men are angry and violent?
I do know that.
Do you know how men commit murders?
I know it sounds like a deja vu impression.
Okay, I do know that.
Okay, you know how we don't want to be murdered.
I do know that.
You know how there's science?
Is there?
I don't know.
Okay.
I'll concede that.
Yeah.
Remember how I previously invented, um, lady radar.
Lady rate.
Wait, the one.
So you could know if your lady is cheating on you.
No.
The one that, you know, if a man is approaching while you're jogging.
Oh yes.
Yeah.
Well, that was, I realized after I invented that and I'm still very, very proud.
The safety or the no contact lens.
She's spy.
Oh, the Juby jogger.
Juby jogger.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, I had an epiphany and this invention cuts out the middleman on this one.
Okay.
It cuts out the murderer.
Kind of.
Okay.
Yeah, kind of.
Totally, totally, kind of.
Okay.
Here it is.
It's a device, like a Dexcom, like a little thing that you plop onto the man.
Okay.
What's a Dexcom?
i don't really know you have some idea because it's like it's like something that sticks on you
and it like tells your blood sugar i don't know if that's true oh oh okay like the thing that's
on people's arms sometimes yeah and it like keeps yeah track of their stats yeah yeah yeah yeah okay
i just didn't know that's the baseline so it goes on the man yep and every woman will make this a
condition of their relationship like while we're dating and figuring you out like you need to wear
this thing so sure babe he gets the install right and what it does jenna and joe what it does
is it continuously measures the the amount of hormones in the body like adrenaline cortisol
epinephrine and when those hormones spike when you know that this man is about to go into a
murderous rage, it immediately releases counteracting hormones to stop the rage.
So your hypothesis is that women get murdered while they're jogging by strangers or by the
men that they're dating?
Actually, yes.
And just dating, like just recently dating.
It could be husbands too, but most women are murdered by people they know.
Well, that's true, but are we going to strap one of these to every man on the planet?
We can give a tax break.
Aren't some of those hormones good for you to experience sometimes?
Sometimes.
Like what if a man gets a cortisol spike because he in a really dangerous situation and that like isn that like or like a spike of adrenaline because he you know like and then you just suddenly stop him and then he like he like oh I not scared of of this impending car wreck anymore
So I'm just gonna drive right into it.
No.
No, that won't happen.
Science knows the amount of hormones that precipitate murder.
So it's different from a car, and it's different from just road rage,
or it's different from yelling at someone at Home Depot.
It's different.
It's different than yelling at a stranger in Home Depot?
Yeah.
But we can adjust the levels because guess what?
most people don't want to be upset and if they just had a little implant think of it it's like
a little person next to you that's like no drop your ego papa and it gives you a second
to recalibrate and be like i don't need to yell i don't need to be in a car accident
then it sounds like the only way that this works is if this is a product for everyone
not just men who are in relationships with women we start with men
i'm saying if it's everyone then like what jenna said about what if the man is in a dangerous
situation well if it was for everyone then presumably the person putting that man in a
dangerous situation would have one dangerous situations go away exactly i'm just saying
it only works if everyone is keeping each other in check a great feedback okay yes that's how it
works sort of or it could be a brave new world scenario where they're all just we're all just
taking pills to like regulate any type of emotion to keep us all in a regular stasis of like
la-di-da i know you're saying that i know you're making a good point but you've read the book do
you really want to be the fat lady that comes back to society or do you want to be one of the perfect
ones i'm sorry i said fat lady she was fat and ugly right i she was she was more than just fat
she had other bad things going she was like just i'm sorry i want to take it all back
no it's fine it's fine that's you didn't write the book i know but why did i focus on fat i'm fat
where's my empathy it's no okay that's not the point the late no i i think
it's better to have you need these like range of you need these like ranges of hormones like they
do things they regulate things in your body yeah yeah so like the second they start to do something
that's a sign that's your body giving you a sign that something's happening can we just try it
because I feel like, ooh, new idea.
We start with people with a violent past.
You can get out of jail 30 days early if you get the implant.
It's part of our trial.
I mean, that makes more sense.
We're getting somewhere.
And how do we regulate just, does science know how to regulate?
I mean, I guess if it knows how to regulate between murder
and yelling at a guy in Home Depot.
Love this.
I mean because you also wouldn't want like your testosterone
We're not measuring that
No you're not
Isn't higher testosterone
More of an indicator
For violence as well
Yes
That's why men are more violent than women
Because they have more testosterone
And then they're really high
That's why like
And steroids
Make you really angry
Guys who are on gear
They could just get angry
about like the smallest things at the drop of a hat yeah i think the testosterone tells the
adrenaline to pull up but if we stop the adrenaline from pulling up the testosterone
has no friend to go to the party with i uh i don't know if that's how it works but okay here's another
idea though that another worry as as a lady let's say if i'm just regulating a man to be kind of
middle of the road and just kind of like la-di-da all the time then it's like i could be with a
murderer and i wouldn't even know it like i think you are a murderer or you're not
at heart you're also probably gonna destroy a sex drive yeah
well not everyone likes their pasta al dente
elegant metaphor aside and i think that's i think in this situation that we're talking about
most people do want their pasta al dente or even uncooked let's say
i've been single a long time
um all right well i could see it i i like the idea of working it more for like violent
i mean although why are we releasing violent people back onto the streets but
well they were gonna get out anyway
uh i i like it better for that
maybe we just use it on inmates stop being violent in prison here you don't need your pasta
yeah i know in prison it would solve a lot of problems probably we'll start in prison
doesn't does it affect your brain is it like i mean i know that's that they don't mean like that
like does it affect you like where if you have it removed is it like you come out of a fog
if you don't have it anymore?
Is it like the side effects of medication
where you get kind of like foggy
and like you're not really yourself?
I don't think so.
All I can say is a perfect example.
A few weeks ago, somebody cut me off.
Like I was driving and I had a green light
and they were waiting to turn right
and they had a red light and they just went.
and I like so you followed them to Home Depot
still looking for me
um and I had a flash where I was like old Francis
and then I thought to myself no and I went
it's okay and nothing happened
I think it would be like that but forcibly
but you were able to do that on your own
Yeah. But most people don't try. Especially men. God, they want to make a scene.
So why not embed something to help them try to solve this problem naturally instead of chemically?
Well, that already exists. It's meditation. It's self-work. Introspection.
Big burly men don't want to do that.
Yeah. Okay. What are we calling this?
hmm rage cage cage your rage i like that cage your rage
yeah come on baby cage my rage is that too much like one of those rage rooms
that people think it
okay so maybe joe just made a bunch of i was trying to think of a way to turn rage room into
a name for this rage bedroom because it's where your rage goes to sleep
what about why would we even need to come up with more ideas that's the one i mean that's it
where your rage goes to sleep
what were you going to say Francis?
I was just going to keep it simple
I was going to say
flight
flight?
yeah
what are the other
there's like four of the F's
fawn and
figgle
fegals worth he's figling
fondle
now is there four
i think there are four
um something with the word hormone
no
cortisol with s-o-u-l
what a name
bullshit
sorry what
cortisol like but soul
like s-o-u-l
core to solve
you've solved the problem
adrenalink
that's good
thanks
epinephrine
adrenalax
adren relax
oh nice oh i get it now
no not like laxative
I get it now, I said.
Like, relax.
Don't do it when you want to go do it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I'm sure there are many, many women that would strap this to their men.
The only problem that I, okay, another problem that just occurred to me,
the kind of men that would let a woman do this are not the kind of men that are murdered.
It's going to be the men that are just like, hell no, I'm not doing that.
And that's, that is, by the way, that is a normal response.
That's from a non-murderous man.
If I were a dude, I'd be like, hell no, I'm not doing that.
How about, think about it this way.
This could be men with one strike where it's like, hey, Zach,
I saw something I really didn't like in you.
And I'm really not sure if I can move forward.
If you're committed to trying out this cool new device with no currently
known side effects, I will continue to date you.
if you don't want to that's fine i understand i get it it's a big ass but you scared me the other
day um okay but again as a like as a lady this i would just prefer to know whether a guy is
psychotic or not and then leave if he is if i don't want to know that i've been
dating as the dragon yeah like a medicated man because then if it ever malfunctions in any way
you're screwed and then i'm surprised or is this a training tool it's helping zach to manage those
or is it just like a water dam where it's just sort of like putting a stopper on all the rage
until it finally spills over when he's off the mess the slogan is
these are things to think about well not every product is perfect but every product has a buyer
well again i do think actually that's commercialism
aside from the violation of people's personal
rights uh i do think geez let's keep you off the product launch
this is not the direction okay
uh i
i would say it will prisons would probably like it i think it would stop a lot of
needless infighting in the prisons.
Shanking.
God, stop the shanking.
Yeah, or just even like the political drama.
Yeah, stop separating by race.
Yeah.
Stupid.
There's enough, yeah, there's enough of that on the outside.
Separate by hobbies.
Yeah.
Separate by who likes to be in the yard and who likes to be inside doing checkers.
Yes.
We should go to prisons and talk.
Thank you.
I have been saying that for years.
And I think we finally have a real,
we have a real plan now.
Summer,
the very fine friends are going on tour to prisons across America.
We can probably get paid.
Yeah.
Can you imagine the two of us?
Hey,
prisoners,
we're your special guests.
We're going to do live pod here from 10th city.
Please put your phones away that you're not supposed to have.
Oh, put your penis away.
Not now.
Yeah.
Well, I do think it would work in that scenario.
And I think there would be people who use it.
I wonder if people would like deliberately get themselves mad just to get the hit of the drug.
No, it's like Narcan.
It doesn't feel good.
It just stops the thing that feels bad.
Narcan is like nothing.
It just stops the...
Yeah, it counteracts the hit.
Hmm.
Okay.
I don't know what I thought it was.
Am I having a bleach moment?
I'm pretty sure that's true.
Oh, by the way, drink bleach.
You're going to kill me.
Do you want to?
And casually take Narcan.
I don't care.
Do whatever you want.
If you could find it, hit it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, Narcan aside.
All right.
Well, this...
I can see yeah I can see this working prisons everywhere and then maybe if it a success Some people have it Some people have it Yeah All right well
Okay, cool. Thanks for hearing me out.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks for...
Well, thank you.
Thanks for just...
For two weeks in a row now, trying to stop women from getting murdered.
I think it's International Women's Month.
You're looking out for us, baby.
Yeah.
We appreciate it.
Hey, I came from a woman.
Yeah, you're one of those?
that came from a woman yeah i know one of the few the proud yeah i don't know if which way i came
though you don't know i don't know if i was through the sunroof or oh you know what i'm saying yeah
when you said which way i was like i don't like through the butt i don't understand that
well no i i i know joe that that was ridiculous that's why i was confused she
It's me though, so anything could happen.
Right.
Well, I think that wraps up the invention of the week.
It's time for our next segment.
Pet Psychic.
Now a look inside the minds of our very furry friends.
Francis, do you want to explain how this works?
Sure.
Thank you.
Pet Psychic is super interesting.
It is a segment where obsessed and distraught pet owners seek clarity and knowing from the esteemed and powerful Madame la Miao, a pet psychic who can read pets' minds.
Okay.
Yeah.
um well without further ado here is that's like
hi hi i i'm i'm i never thought i'd do anything like this do you have appointment
oh i'm sorry i i said on the door it said walk-ins welcome so i just welcome but not guaranteed
let me check my calendar oh thank you so much madam i'm available sit down oh thank you so much
thank you
this is the weirdest thing
my lizard
Travis
is just
Travis my lizard
he's just
he's just not
not been himself lately
he says to change a cologne
immediately
he uses the word reek
what Travis
distracting reek
Travis is creative type
and he cannot be creative around your stanch.
Travis, Travis, hey, put those big eyes on me, buddy.
Put those big eyes on me.
Is this true about my cologne?
You don't like it?
You don't like the way I smell?
Is that why you've been...
Silly question.
Why are you asking him?
Well, because I thought I could...
I always thought Travis and I had like a real connection.
You may ask three questions.
Okay, so I bought Travis a lady lizard because I thought he wanted companionship.
And then the next day, the lady lizard was dead in the cage.
Can you ask Travis what happened?
He says he's not nothing about it.
Travis says, no, he was not home at time of murder.
Travis says he was distraught and laid with body for several hours in various positions afterward.
Oh, Travis.
He asks you bring body back.
He is, quote, not done.
Okay.
Okay. I'm sorry, Travis, the lady lizard's been buried in the backyard.
I don't know if I can bring...
He says not the deal breaker.
Okay. My third question is,
who pierced your tongue, Travis?
I didn't get you that tongue piercing. Where did that come from?
Travis is saying he hid it during adoption.
A secret tongue piercing.
He was worried you would judge him and not take him home.
I think that's actually probably accurate.
I judged him once I saw it.
I thought I didn't realize what a crazy lizard I had.
I probably wouldn't have adopted him.
See, some secrets are good.
Well, thank you so much.
thank you so much madam you get three more questions wait i get to keep going with my
travis questions yes or can i ask you about a different pet yes more money oh yeah of course
money's money's no object no object good thank you thank you um i i also have um i also have a
a cat.
Different accent.
Tell me about your cat.
Whoa, madam.
Whoa.
That was impressive. You switched real quick.
Yes, it just comes to me.
My cat...
My cat's name is Uta.
And she's just...
She's been going out a lot at night.
Yeah.
And I don't know.
I mean, she always comes back within a day or two.
Yeah, yeah.
But I want to know what she's doing.
You know what she's up to?
Yeah.
Hand her to me.
You're a little thing.
Oh, yes.
Uta, talk to me.
Where are you going?
And why?
Uta says you have an ex-husband named Mark.
Yeah.
She's very fond of Mark.
What?
Mark leaves the door open.
Uta goes to Mark.
Magical, wonderful evening.
Uta!
She's telling you, so you shouldn't be mad.
No, I am mad.
You were my comfort after Mark left.
I can't believe you're choosing Mark.
She says you switched her food.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
She was getting a little hippie.
Uta, you were getting hippie.
I had to give you better food.
Okay?
it's for your own good
she says she's gonna keep going to mark
she says mark has a new girl
a blonde
what no
yeah her name's susan
wait susan
ask ask you if it's susan from the bank
yes it is
here take her
i don't even want her anymore
she'll bring you comfort in your time of need
i don't even want her anymore
Go back to Mark, Uta
She says she will
Give me comfort or go back to Mark
Go back to Mark
Get out of here
You betrayed me
Oh, I'm sorry
Listen, it's my job to be honest
Oh, you did nothing wrong
Thank you so much
Uta, this is Uta's fault
She's gone now
Do you have any other pets?
Yeah
I have this ant farm
can you ask them what they think they're building
in the ant farm where do they think they're tunneling to hold on let me find him oh madam
they think they're building an ant farm but though i thought it'd be more interesting than
that well they don't they're very small they don't know i know that's why i'm wondering they're
building all these tunnels it's like do they think they're getting somewhere but they realize it's
just futile and for my pleasure no for all they know they're in a hole in how do they think they're
in a hole where do they think they are you want me to ask that yeah that's what i want to know hold
on getting some mixed signals one of them thinks they're in tucson one of them thinks they're in
oh my god iowa and another one thinks oh that's so sad what i can't say it no just tell me i gotta
no no no tell me okay well one of them one of them thinks they're in the corpse of a long dead queen
oh no oh what a disappointment thought he's living in royalty yeah bummer
oh that is a bummer yeah
can i ask you about my goldfish yes
i'm you're so impressive madam i just want to say that right now it just comes to me
Mm-hmm.
Money, please.
Oh, of course, of course.
Ooh.
My goldfish?
Sebastian?
Yearns for the toilet.
No!
That's not even what I was going to ask.
But no, he...
He's screaming it.
No, he wants...
He wants out of here?
He's so unhappy.
He spins in a bowl.
And he goes nowhere.
Then he goes the other direction.
And he goes nowhere.
You're gone all day
Oh no
That's, oh, I was gonna ask
Just
Does he ever
Has he ever seen me naked?
But that's so much worse
He says, why do you think I yearn for the bull?
No, Sebastian
Oh no
Oh no, that's the worst
Oh, that's the worst news
If you could go back in time, he would be unselected at the carnival.
He saw you coming and he just knew.
He knew that I'd look terrible naked and that that would make him long for the toilet.
He tried to drown himself by jumping out of water, but you caught him.
I thought he was just so excited to see me.
Like when a dog gets really excited to see its owner.
Nope.
Oh.
Tough break, kid.
Oh my God.
I got a lot of pets.
I know.
Well, I have...
I don't know if you can...
I have one more.
I don't know if you have this...
If you can cross this.
I'm getting so tired.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
If you...
This might even be out of your purview.
I'm not sure.
I don't know.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Maybe a little money first.
It's actually my child.
Maybe some money first.
Oh, yeah.
It's my child, Doug.
Tell me about Doug.
Well, he won't stop crying.
He's 23.
Is that the question?
He won't stop crying.
Doug, can you just find out what the hell's wrong with Doug?
Are you going to pick me up like you did with the other ones?
Doug, be nice.
Are you willing?
Fine.
Don't struggle.
That feels really good on my calves, actually.
You don't need to stretch, Doug.
I have the answer.
So tell me, what's wrong with Doug?
Why won't he stop crying?
Doug has a sub-lachrymal tumor.
It's gone undiagnosed because you refused to pay the copay for the annual doctor's appointments.
That is why he cries.
Oh, well, I guess it's good to know.
I'm not going to pay that co-pay
You spend all your money on
Psychics
I respect that
Hey, at least now I know that I've got to change my perfume
For Jeremy
Or for Travis, rather
Sorry, wrong
Wrong pet
I'm going to be the first person ever to die of a sub-lacrimal tumor
Yeah
Well
Hey, Doug, you always wanted to be famous for something
No
now I'm crying from laughter at that joke you just made
mom
you guys
oh
oh Madame LaMeow
well that was very
successful
I think that wraps up
Pet Psychic
this has been
another successful edition of
Madame LaMeow
Pet Psychic
Sorry, that was just the stress of all the pets' difficulties melting away.
One time I forgot I had a goldfish and I went on vacation and came back and I was dead.
Yeah.
Well, it happens.
Sometimes we forget we own things.
Yeah.
Woof.
What a scent.
Hmm.
Well.
Thanks for letting me get that out Yeah sure No problem That why it time now though for one final segment the big question
the question is very big oh no are you okay francis
yeah i'm okay it's just i just realized in our last segment i'm pissed off that this is my question
ago. Oh no. Are we have, we have overlapping kind of a tiny, tiny bit. Okay. Well, this
has all been like a very themed episode. I feel like it's, we've had a lot of like therapy
themes throughout all of this. Okay. So if it's, if it feels samey, well it's, it's all
right. Okay. We're packaging this up. Okay. I want to challenge you to invent a new accent.
okay and talk to me in it
okay the thing is whenever i do accents
i lose them after a few lines so i don't know if that's going to happen if i make up one
well i guess we'll find out baby you're gonna lose your baby i might lose my baby i might i
i just said we forget we have things sometimes you said we forget we own things yeah well
you kind of own a baby you think you own a baby yeah big question alert
all right
all right here we're all right i'm gonna try
hey frances how's it going not bad man where you been i've been here and there just bowling mostly
bowling bowling oh i don't know people still did that oh i bowl all the time
i bowl every day
every day is bowling day for me well do you think you could take a day off bowling because a couple
of friends and i rented a pontoon oh i already bowled today so i can pontoon and still bowl
oh that's that's fantastic do we need to pick you up no no i i i come equipped i come equipped with
my own
little
Vespa.
Oh, okay. You can actually ride that right on the
boat. I'm a little
worried about your social skills, though. Last time you screamed
in three people's faces. Do you think
you could keep it chill?
Hey, who's chill but me?
I am chill.
What are you talking about?
Look, who's cooler than me? Look at my sideburns.
So cool.
So cool. Yep. Yeah, I was immediately
drawing to you. They're three feet long.
I didn't know you could do that
Physically amazing
They're still attached to my face
I don't know how you do it
It's amazing
Well cool
Listen afterwards
I hate to ask this but
Could you stay the night?
Oh yeah of course man
I don't want to have a home anyway
Oh
Not in a sad way
In a fun way
I live moment to moment.
You don't have a house and you go bowling?
Yeah.
And I have a Vespa.
I'm fun.
It's kind of like an RV if you never get off.
Exactly.
Well, would you share the bed with me?
Because I get a little lonely.
Brother, of course.
What am I about body warmth?
and a body to keep you not lonely.
Yeah, and I like to tell jokes late into the night and laugh.
Are you willing?
Are you kidding who loves to laugh more than me?
Listen to me laugh.
I have a great laugh.
Will you wrap your sideburns around me as we sleep for safety?
Of course.
I love to keep you so warm
So warm
So not lonely and just laughing
All night
Oh this
I'm so pleased
In the morning I'd like to cook you breakfast
Oh
Bangers and mash
Sure
I'll get the recipe
Um
And then I can feed you by hand
I love it
your fingers do not wash your hands
I like them dirty
when they are feeding me
it's another fun thing about me
I think it strengthens the immune system
frankly
so do I
that's why I'm never sick
how deep can I go
wrist deep
wow
I have trained my jaw
to unhinge like a snake.
God, you're so interesting.
I knew the first day I saw you at work
that we were going to be such good friends.
Oh, best of friends.
Work friends.
Life friends.
And I thought it was so interesting that you rode your
Vespa into the office building.
Nothing funnier than a car inside.
Am I right?
You're right. And no helmet.
Oh, why?
Helmet is bad
for feeling risky.
So, I've never been kissed.
Pucker up, bro.
Really? You mean it?
I mean it.
What else is bros for
besides keeping bros warm
and not lonely and kissing?
How deep can I go?
Wrist.
Wrist deep,
which is a.k.a.
back of tongue.
Okay.
wow what a man worth it right you see what the hype was all about you don't need a home
look at you exactly you could charge for this oh you'll get it for free
can i ask you a question when you drive on your vespa um why do you hold your sideburns down i
I think it would look so good if they blew in the breeze.
Oh, I don't want to be showing off my sideburns.
You gotta.
Oh, they can whip in the wind?
You're all right.
If you think that would not make me giant, show off.
I think that's how you get discovered.
Hop on the back with me.
Oh, my God.
Ride around in Vespa.
I'm on.
No helmet.
Oh, no helmet.
Just like you.
Yeah, you feel alive, right?
Yes, I do.
Oh.
Let's go.
Let's go drive in that bank.
Yeah, and let your sideburns off.
Oh, here we come.
Through a revolving door.
Oh, my God.
It's harder in the revolving door.
That's okay.
We're making an entrance.
Oh, we missed it.
Go around again.
Yes.
We're in.
Yes.
Bang.
Bang, bang, bang, bang.
No.
Security guard shot me.
No.
Come here. Come close.
No. Oh, what? Don't die on me.
I might die, but I lived.
Thank God you're alive.
Oh, my God. Just kidding.
No. No, no. I was saying before I got shot, I lived.
Oh, no.
My new kissing best friend.
well i guess we figured out i can maintain that accent whatever the hell that was um
was impressive i don't i was it like any kind of real i would say like vaguely slavic okay
you know hopefully they're not offended i tried to make it a jovial character slavs if you're
listening we know you are yeah um uh all right well that wraps up the big question the big question
I know only one thing left
Francis
he said my name sexy
Francis
if Francis was your secret word
you just scored some big points
oh my god
wait and see motherfucker
was it motherfucker
alright well I have some guesses for you
okay
I'm not confident about them
yeah me neither so don't worry
okay
was your secret word launch no adoption no it wasn't
yearns no that was true psychicry
pontoon i knew you're gonna say one too it's not bunter oh okay thank god because i actually
said it, so I was worried that it was.
Don't you hate that.
Those are all my guesses.
Alright, my word was
middleman.
Oh!
Which worked out. That was a nice...
The murderer. Oh, did I say it?
No, no, no. You're safe.
You didn't say any of my words. No, Francis said
this will cut out the middleman, and then you said
so the murderer. Yeah, okay.
Yeah. Alright. It was nice.
It was fine. My decoy word
was commercialism.
good memory wait when did you say that uh that was towards the end of invention of the week
yeah yeah i said it kind of to joe with a little like finger gun action which is funny that you
said your decoy word in like a hushed aside to me rather than very audible jenna's smart she
She would pick up on things any other week.
Not this week, but all right.
Well, okay.
My turn.
How do I stretch out these two guesses?
Here's my first one.
Okay.
Vespa.
Nope.
Okay.
I thought you might guess that though.
Goldfish.
Nope.
my next guess which i've been thinking about but did not write down okay was during
pet psychic and it was sebastian no it wasn't sebastian no no was it ant farm no
oh that's interesting um you're just gonna name all the things that i said in pet psychic
no because before pet psychic
we did invention of the week
yeah
and I have no other guesses
I'm done I'm just done
I'm done I'm sorry I wish I was
oh
you're gonna hate this
no don't tell me
don't tell me
is it
don't
no just do it
wait no
You said it three times.
Do you know what it is?
Are you serious?
Did he say it three?
I clocked two.
You said it at least.
No, you said it three times.
Do you know what it is?
No.
It's sideburns.
Sideburns.
Oh, I'm sorry, Francis.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sick of being alive.
Listeners, please pray for Francis's health
that we get an episode next week.
Oh, well, good for you.
He's like that goldfish in the bowl,
just ready for the toilet.
I'm sorry.
I wanted you to get a win.
I did.
I'm dizzy.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
My decoy word, by the way, was infighting.
I said it would stop a lot of prison infighting
yeah okay
I didn't actually hear you say it but I assumed
that that's where you slipped it in
yeah yeah yeah
so I'm sorry Francis
oh I
oh
was it sideburns
oh wow
20 points for Francis
okay you know what I was winning for a long time
you were I know
listeners if you go to veryfinefriends.com
you can see
the points total and for the first time in 30 episodes i am winning now yeah it's called the
wheel of fortune yeah oh i i have a feeling though that francis i mean you you were consistently
better than me so this is like a weird fluke that i've i've gone on a little bit of a winning streak
like you as a winner thank you well uh i like our listeners as winners too and if you made it to this
point in the episode then you're a real winner yeah and you're hot yeah you're a sizzler
francis is anything you want to say to us both to let out some rage and close out the episode
fuck you fuck you both all right thank you but not you listeners bye
you