oh holy night
mr groban is that you no it's mrs groban
hey everyone hey um you had a story to tell me yeah i was thinking about christmas i was
thinking about christmas time holiday time and i was remembering that when i was um
when i was in elementary school we used to do
shows in like concerts and and i got chosen to sing silver bells
and that's the one hey royalty to me oh sorry this is just like that movie the santa claus
the original singer is dead it is me now oh okay anyway that's how that works yeah so i was like
all excited to sing and they gave me like a lyric sheet um but there was a typo on the lyric sheet
but i didn't know this like the words yeah so it was my first time like seeing the words in print
so i was like oh i've been wrong this whole time so i got up there saying i was like
whatever the lead is like this is santa's big day it's big um scene oh it is this big day yeah so
i was up there i was like this is santa's dig scene and people were like what
and i was like no like because cole oh i thought it was like hey man i really dig this scene
yeah and then i found out like it was supposed to be big scene and i was like who typed this
yeah what kind of an idiot this was a school function what kind of idiot i can i can tell
you the teacher's name but i don't use her real name um she was the she was the first teacher
who told me it was time to stop hugging the teachers
we did not get off on the right foot i gave her like a hug one day and she goes
you're at the age now where these are inappropriate i'm like oh how old were you
It was in fifth grade.
You were 10?
That's some quick math from Juby.
Not really math so much as memory.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah.
But yeah, can you believe that?
Unbelievable.
And no shame.
No shame at all.
It just sticks in my head because she made me feel bad.
And then I looked at her and she had very hairy arms.
Oh, so you dodged a bullet.
Yeah.
Who wants that?
Yeah, I could have caught that.
Yeah.
But you'll notice.
Francis was just showing us his arms, listeners.
And it's only some hair.
It's an appropriate amount of hair.
Occasional rabbits.
Occasional rabbits, yes.
Well, that really put me in the Christmas spirit.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
It's Christmas Day.
The turkeys are in the oven.
They're already dead, though.
Don't be alarmed.
No, mine's alive.
Can you hear it in the distance?
Yeah, she's turning it up one degree an hour.
Yep.
It's never going to realize what's happened.
It's like a frog boiling in water.
Yeah, it's taking off its sweater.
I've gotten...
I got the ham in the window of the butcher shop.
The one that's as big as me.
We're going to have a feast tonight.
And I bought myself a present.
Oh.
What'd you get?
I don't want to tell myself yet.
Oh, okay.
And I wrapped it in a bone.
It's not time for presents yet.
No, it's time for being grateful.
Oh.
Well, I'm grateful for you.
Likewise.
Thank you.
I'm also grateful for her words.
For our producer, Joe.
Oh.
I guess I'll be grateful for Joe, too.
It's good karma.
Yeah.
I'm grateful that Jenna is grateful for me.
Oh, that makes it all worthwhile.
I only like to be grateful when people appreciate my gratefulness.
That's the magic of Christmas.
Of Christmas.
That's the proper way.
Christ-mas.
Yes, yes.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
And right before we die, we add up all the points.
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is spectator
Jenna's decoy word is withheld
Francis' secret word is bloodline
Francis' decoy word is trance
back to the pod
as we celebrate a tiny baby's birth
I like to think back
on the year
I don't know where I was going with that
I like to think back to all the other Christmases I've had before.
And how this one's going to blow it out of the water.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I like the idea of being an adult.
Maybe.
I don't drink, by the way, but picking up a handle of some alcohol, going back to my house, putting on some music, and just falling on the couch.
No food.
No gifts.
No people.
A hungry man TV dinner in the microwave.
If I'm lucky.
Yeah.
and there's pictures of mashed potatoes on the on the box
thank you potatoes for your sacrifice that's what i'm grateful for
potatoes oh me too how great is a potato so great
which is like nuts that we ever ate that right like that we ever ate a potato
like if you saw a potato loose you'd be like this is just a soft rock
a hundred percent yeah i'd be like you were the worst gatherer
kill him yes what are you what are you gathering this for
you dug this out of the ground you're nuts phil had a mental collapse he's digging in dirt for food
and then to be like you know what i bet if we give this thing a nice bath if we just like
pretty woman this like it's gonna be amazing phil washed the the soft rock and we just let him
because it's like he's going through stuff maybe he was just using it as a loofah oh and then it's
And peeling the potato at the same time.
And it kind of peeled because he had an inappropriate amount of hair,
inappropriate rabbits.
And so it peeled that potato.
Yeah, hundreds of thousands of years later,
his descendant was my teacher.
Mrs. Potato Head.
Oh.
Oh, and that's why she wrote dig is because she was having ancestral
memories of digging the potato out of the ground.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Yeah, but then someone probably was like, just take a bite to be nice.
We're going to have to kill him later tonight.
Yeah.
And they were like, wait.
What?
Someone got so angry.
They were like, what are you bringing this to us for?
Then they mashed and mashed and mashed.
And then it looked pretty good after that.
Yeah.
And then someone tripped and their bowl of melted butter just went right onto it.
And then someone was trying to have good luck,
and so they threw salt over behind their shoulder,
and it landed on the mashed potato,
and then it's like, we can't waste this now.
And then they got left out in the sun, so they were twice baked.
Oh, yeah.
Plus doobies.
That kind of bake, too.
The tale of the potato.
A beautiful story.
Yeah.
Potato.
Oh, potato.
Nice, Joe.
Potato.
it's a christmas miracle
oh well speaking of christmas miracles hi yep
no it is miraculous how you always have an invention of the week and it is time now
for such an invention i almost said adventure invention i want an adventure too okay well
let's take an adventure with the invention of the week.
Inventions.
This is a Christmas invention.
Yay.
By me,
Francis Phillips.
Good.
Good fake name,
Francis.
Okay,
here it is.
Okay.
You know how we want stuff?
I do know that.
You know how there's so much stuff to want?
Yeah.
You know how stuff's expensive?
Yes.
Guess what?
What?
I have an answer.
Are you inventing Santa?
Just I want to know right now.
No.
That would be a good idea, though.
Santa's already been invented.
By...
Corporate America.
Can I just take a little side divergence about Santa?
Yeah.
since we're in the Christmas spirit and talking about Santa.
You may.
I love Santa.
And there's a part of me that thinks he is actually real.
I just want to say that.
Whenever I see like a mall Santa,
and if it's a really good mall Santa,
I get like a little like catch in my throat
where I'm like, he's here.
You like the magic of it.
I do.
I love the magic of it.
And it's like kind of like seeing a celebrity.
I'm like, I can't believe he's here.
Kind of like put you in a trance, you would say?
Yeah, and I love it. And there was a very, very long period of time that I refused to hear anything to the contrary about Santa. I was way too old to be fighting this hard for it, but I did. So Santa, if you're listening, and I know you are, I got your back, buddy. And just give me an autograph or something. Because I'm your number one fan. Okay, sorry. Go back to your adventure.
I'm glad you said that because when he wakes from his hibernation, which should be about now.
Well, no, I mean, he's probably settling in now.
It's Christmas Day.
Yeah.
Well, he's got everything so dialed in.
He's got 24 hours.
He and Mrs. Claus veg out in front of the TV.
And then he sleeps for like nine months.
Yeah.
That's why he's so fat.
Yeah.
Sleeping is the leading cause of obesity.
Because he's a sleep eater, too.
Yeah.
A few people know that about Santa.
So he's resting away.
And instead of getting that good fasting time, no, he's shoveling potatoes.
Yeah.
In his sleep.
From olden times.
Yep.
He saved them.
Yeah.
From olden times.
Well, God bless you, Santa.
Yeah.
Okay.
Back to the invention.
Okay.
Which is great.
Here it is.
The invention is, isn't it stupid that, okay, I want to buy this product, but this product is $100.
I bet you a thousand other people want the same product.
Yeah.
My invention is a website slash app that people put in what they're going to buy.
Like the gift buyers.
they put in what they're going to buy
and then we tally up all the quantities
and then we go to the
the company goes to the manufacturer and says
what kind of discount can we get on this quantity
and then
they buy it in bulk
and then so you get it for a cheaper price
and then it gets shipped from the company
Santa
incorporated or whatever
so it's like you're getting the present directly from Santa
it's cheaper
it utilizes like
They're guaranteed a certain level of inventory.
Exactly.
So you pay, basically you put your money in company escrow.
Yeah.
We hold it.
We get the discount.
We purchase the product.
We ship the product for whatever the event is.
Okay.
Now, what about like shipping?
Because you'd want it to go to individuals.
So the shipping would have to be.
So here's something that's interesting.
I used to buy dog food, like raw dog food from a company that did deliveries for a group, like groups of people.
And they would, we have a location where we would go like on a Saturday and like we'd all pick up our order.
Yeah.
From like a central location.
So it could be like based on your city.
It's a pickup zone.
Like, yeah.
So you're in Phoenix.
So you're going to go to.
Okay.
Plaza? I mean, that's part of the reason why
buying in bulk is good, because it's like,
well, we have one shipment to make, right?
Mm-hmm. Okay.
And then possibly they could get a discount because
they're going to actually pick up
the product from the location.
Not a lot, but maybe a little
bit to make it worth their wealth.
Yeah, every little bit helps.
Yeah.
Okay.
I can't believe this doesn't exist already.
Honestly. Actually, yeah.
How about that?
Wow, Francis.
it's a christmas miracle
and there's tracks
but yes there's a valve system
okay um yeah i so this would be a third party that kind of collects like
is like a like a mediator like hey
tonka trucks we got a thousand people in phoenix that would buy a tonka truck if it was
15 instead of 25 well we're basically a wholesaler at this point so it's like we just go to wait
did you just invent sam's club and amazon yeah and amazon but we're passing more of the discounts
See, the thing about making a profit is it's great to make a profit.
You don't need to make all the profit.
You can be good for the people.
You know?
Just give us a little Just a taste Just what our beaks Just a little potato in our mouth Yeah Wait okay
So wait, how is this different then?
It started so good.
It started really good.
I forgot about those things.
It's not a big corporate giant.
So it's good just because we're better people
than Jeff Bezos and Sam of Sam's Club.
Here's the difference.
We don't need
Dr. Sam. Dr. Club.
We don't need employees
because no one's picking orders and delivering it.
We're just basically taking an order
from the public and being like
you don't gotta pay shipping.
You just pay us a fee
and we'll get you your
product.
We're doing what Amazon does except
we're saying you have to do the work on your end.
You can't give us
your inventory.
So it's not as good of a discount as Amazon?
Now that I think of it, they probably get pretty good prices on those items.
Yeah.
Sugar crush!
Well, I can guarantee you it's a good idea in my heart.
No, it struck me immediately.
I do think there is something to be said for gauging general interest.
And just kind of getting like a survey of like,
I was going to say like a survey of what people would pay for something.
but then you get a lot of people being like i'd only pay ten dollars for it because they want it
cheaper but if you made people put their money where their mouth is if it is like an escrow
account how about this let's let's pivot um love a good christmas pivot
um i was thinking real quick you know sometimes you like let's say joe wants something
i know he does let's say i want something i know you do joe has it
what i have what joe wants this system is like oh you know what joe wants what you have and you
want what joe has let's do a swap and if it's like there's a value difference then i can pay
or he can pay a little bit more to get the item like like ebay or craigslist yeah i think this
also already exists.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Nope.
No.
Oh, okay.
No.
Mrs. Grubin?
You don't get to trade on eBay.
You gotta buy something.
You trade money.
I mean.
But then you can also sell the thing
that you no longer want
to get said money.
And you can probably
trade in-kind items
on like Facebook Marketplace or Craigslist or something.
I like the spirit of this.
I feel like there is a key element that we're missing
that would actually make this different than something that already exists.
Maybe like the product,
like instead of like toy corporations,
like whoever makes Tonka, Tonka trucks.
We're really plugging Tonka today.
Well, like going back to Jenna's example, what if instead it was like,
like furniture stores, but like not like big box furniture stores.
Little box furniture stores.
Well, yeah.
And that's also like what you were saying about how it'll, it'll,
it'll do better than those other places.
Cause it's not a giant corporation.
Like, okay, well then why don't we work with local like stores,
places that don't have like giant warehouses and already get good deals from
Amazon.
What if this is just a way to destabilize Amazon?
So we basically work with the people who sell their products on there and we say, who wants
to come over to our platform?
Okay.
Because Amazon takes a big cut.
I don't know if that's true, but it felt true.
I have no idea.
It feels true.
And I said it with exclamation.
It felt true.
Yeah.
I'm going to let Joe read my backup invention while you and I keep talking.
It just came to me.
Well, now I want to know what the backup invention is.
Technically, this already exists, too.
Are you sure?
Oh, I'm sure.
Man.
Well.
Oh, listeners.
This is going to drive you nuts.
Not knowing, but we're not going to say it on pod.
So I'm going to say this.
If any listener tags us on social media and asks us what the Christmas, the secret Christmas
invention is, we will reveal it.
So on social media at very fine friends, you can find out what the secret invention this
week is.
It's the only way to find out.
Oh, a secret Santa.
It's all Secret Santa.
Yes.
And we'll ship you one.
Yep.
And.
Asterisk.
No, we won't.
But maybe.
We didn't say when we'd ship it.
That's true.
Only one way to find out.
Stay alive and wait.
Yeah.
So if you haven't received it, it's not because it's been withheld.
It just means it's still in transit.
it yes yes yes um okay well i feel like there is a way other than us just being better people than
jeff bezos which i don't know am i am i really you are you sure yeah i do have better hair but
that's not hard i don't i i don't look like an evil snake he looks like an evil snake or like
he looks like one of those hairless dogs.
You know?
He looks like the beak of a bird.
That has not been wet.
Sorry, Jeff.
You dry beak freak.
We'll take this episode down if you give us a lot of money.
Yeah.
After all that, I'm better than Jeff Bezos.
We're not better than Jeff Bezos.
We're hungry out here.
You've forgotten what it's like to be hungry.
Yeah.
You're satiated.
Lauren Sanchez, if you're listening, and I know you are, I'll take your money too.
That money you've gotten from being married to Bezos.
So I think that's her name.
It is.
I think.
I think so.
Hold on.
I just want to say hi to someone else real quick.
Okay.
Hi, Mackenzie.
Hi.
Mackenzie.
Bezos?
Yeah.
He did you wrong, girl.
Yeah, she's giving away b-b-b-billions.
Yeah, you know who needs b-b-b-billions?
M-m-m-m-me.
Yep.
Just Francis.
Thanks.
I have a name for the invention if you're interested.
I am interested.
It was going to be giftsfrommomanddata.com.
Okay.
Shorthand, momanddata.
Okay.
D-A-T-A.
Yeah.
Oh, data.
Yeah.
I thought you were just saying dad weird.
Dad.
Data.
Hey, let me try again.
Gifts from momanddata.com.
This Christmas.
How about, real quick.
Okay.
You got a bunch of stuff you don't need and you're going to give it away, right?
Yeah.
Give it to us.
Don't give it to Goodwill.
Tell us what you got.
If it's not crap, we'll put it on our website.
Other people can claim it.
This also exists.
Isn't this goodwill?
I feel like life's going to be over soon because everything's been done and ideas are old now.
No, you have some very original ideas.
There are definitely things you have invented that no one has ever thought of.
And I feel pretty confident that we could have gotten years without people thinking of it.
So pick yourself up.
kid
I'm up
good
he was on the floor for a while
listeners
but he's up now
yeah thank you I believe myself again
good
no this is just
I mean these are good
I feel like there's one missing component
in this that would make it work
don't know what it is
I just feel like
or that make it wouldn't distinguish it in a way that it makes it materially different
well you know just think about this way a lot of people don't want to give their money to amazon
for their own reasons yeah they just don't believe in it so if they had an alternative
where they could literally like even with it for like a trip like oh you want to buy it like you
can get like discount bulk airline tickets like how many people want to go to this place on this
and, you know,
we could buy a bunch of bulk airline tickets
and give it to them at a discount.
You know?
Yeah.
Is that what Groupon is?
Gunshot.
I was literally about to say
the next thing Francis is going to invent
is a gun to shoot himself with.
let me see if they have one on momandata.com
oh yeah i forgot about groupon i did do it till do you use it buy a bunch of tickets a book and
then anyone like yeah it was like oh yeah groupon that's that's the thing that was the material thing
that i was missing and the next thing i was about to invent was a flea market so were you
gonna call it a flea market no i was just thinking like people could take all the stuff they want to
sell instead of waiting for people to come to their house they could put it in another location
someone could also could be there to stand there vendors and watch your stuff for you while you're
not there and there's prices on it and i'm like oh i've been there it's called the brass armadillo
and then on the weekend sometimes farmers can come and they can bring their wares
into a parking lot of a church and uh they can sell them directly to the consumers
hey well the good news is this is a great idea because provably it's a great idea
and you tricked me at first because at first i was like yes why let's do this and then forgot that
it had been done
frances looks like he's descended into a dark night of the soul
why am i here
but because i made
silver bells
well that's okay uh we stopped my turkey slowly dying in the oven
we get to enjoy that after this it's true there are some things to look forward to yeah
He's taking off his pants now.
Oh, good.
It's getting warm in there.
Socks are still on, oddly.
He's embarrassed of his feet.
I get that.
I do, too.
He's got weird.
He's got weird little claws.
All right.
Well, congratulations on a truly great idea.
Thanks.
I'm sorry you're late to the market.
That's okay.
We learn most from our failures.
That's true.
But this, I still consider this a success.
Maybe Jeff will take pity on me.
Just send me a check.
I'll take a pity check.
Yeah.
Why not?
You can even put it in the memo.
Yeah.
For pitiful.
I just hold my thumb over it as I'm handing it to them.
But I want him to give you a giant novelty check.
So it's real big.
So that everybody sees it.
You gotta like pop it sideways.
in front of it. I'm going to the beach after this.
Don't look at me.
Alright, well, Jeff,
we look forward to your check.
Thank you for doing that,
by the way. We really appreciate it. It means a lot.
It keeps the invention idea going.
And then we won't call you
a weird snake or Dr. Evil anymore.
You're a cool snake.
With wonderful hair. Better than me.
Dr. Benevolent, even.
Yeah.
Professor Benevolent.
benevolent.
Emeritus.
Oh, yeah.
Emeritus. That's a fun title.
Yeah. You get to be
Emeritus. Professor Emeritus.
I don't know what that is.
No one does.
Too busy in the idea factory.
Yeah, exactly. Ripping off
other ideas, apparently.
Well,
that wraps up,
I think, a successful
Christmas
invention of the week.
Merry Christmas.
It's time for our next segment,
Parallel Christmas.
You are now entering Parallel Christmas.
Francis, would you like to explain this segment?
Yes.
Parallel Christmas is a very interesting segment
wherein Jenna and I will improvise a new Christmas
that's different than the Christmas you've come to love and enjoy.
This ain't your datter's Christmas.
Your datter's Christmas.
Did you just lay that egg?
That was good.
Yeah.
Anyway, yeah, so we'll be unveiling new Christmas traditions,
tweaking old ones.
Things will seem familiar and yet be horribly, terribly different.
yeah okay Jenna Francis I I just made 24
cookies for Santa I know he coming soon mm and I just ate them all and spit them up into a big vase just like he likes Good good And I brought in the cow so he could milk it
For his fresh milk.
Bessie, settle down.
That's right.
Santa's coming.
You're going to feel those calluses on his thumbs, his milking thumbs.
All right, Bessie.
All right.
Settle down.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just so excited.
Since it's 2025, that means that Santa has to lose 2,025 pounds.
Luckily, he has that to spare.
I know.
It's such a – it's nice that they only make him gain one extra pound a year.
It makes it a more reasonable goal.
This is like 2026 isn't going to be so daunting for him because he's like,
Well, I just did 2025, so I'm going to do one more.
I appreciate that about...
Oh, is that what your parents told you?
Us?
Is that not?
No.
Immediately after the Christmas is over, it all comes back.
No.
So, yeah.
It's the curse of Santa for him.
Great for us.
Well, yeah.
We get joy out of it every...
I mean, I feel bad for the people that were born in the year three.
They had the skinny Santa.
I know.
Who wants that?
That's scary.
Skinny man coming down your chimney?
Oh, it's the stuff of nightmares.
Slenderman.
That's where that Slenderman, that video game came from.
It was actually Santa.
Yeah.
Early Santa.
And he was in a black outfit because of the soot.
Sooty, sooty Slenderman.
Because people in the year three didn't, they didn't have chimney sweeps like we do.
Thank God.
Speaking of which, Bert, are you almost finished in the chimney?
You almost finished sweeping the chimney?
No!
I'm open here for a while!
Okay, Bert.
You just holler when you're done.
Oh, not done.
Wow, my Bert died years ago.
Yeah.
No, my Bert's been around for 61 years.
Wow.
We must be excited for him to finally pass on
because then he shrinks into an ornament as we all know i know speaking of which
look at my life-size lebron james i've decorated him for the season
oh wow i'm so behind oh wow i went to the i went to the the lot just a few weeks ago i picked out
everyone picks out whatever basketball player they want to decorate every year
or their mom
or the basketball player's mom
could be anyone in the bloodline
just as long as
there's a jumper in the family
yeah I chose his niece
oh that's sweet
yeah because I don't have a lot of room
so I could only get a short one
it's kind of like a
Charlie Brown's Christmas tree
kind of thing picking the niece
the little sad one that doesn't get chosen
Yeah. Well, later tonight, if you're not busy, I thought that you could come with me and my family as we drive around and bludgeon carolers.
Oh, I would love that. I have my bludgeoning stick all ready to go. And don't worry, I didn't clean off the blood from last year.
Okay, you say that.
No, I would never.
It's, in fact, I, you can see, you could peel back all the blood layer by layer, year by year.
You can see, like, see, look, look.
Oh.
Oh, 2019.
Okay, you're right.
That was a big year.
Hold on, let me spray some aluminum on that.
All right.
All right, it's blood.
You're a regular Dexter.
Which reindeer are you going to kiss on the lips?
I think this year I'm going to go with Jackson.
Good choice.
Thank you.
He's got a Cupid's bow and a minty tongue.
Yeah.
Do you hear the geese?
The Hanukkah geese.
Yes.
Great choice.
I've decided to kiss them all.
Ooh.
You're doing the round robin.
Yes.
The reindeer round robin.
I'm starting with Jackson, and then I'm going to work my way all the way around to Hoofer.
Can you name all the reindeer?
Jackson.
Sangria.
Tyler.
Yep, Tyler.
Bridge over troubled water.
Moose.
Macaulay.
And.
Culkin.
And Hofer.
Yeah.
They're Tiamese.
Macaulay and Hofer.
We can't forget the most famous rain dealer of all.
The one that saved.
Rui Giuliani.
Yep.
He saved Christmas.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, we should do the prayer.
I'll do the background music while you pray.
Rudy the Giuliani.
You saved Christmas lots of times.
We wouldn't even be here if you didn't.
If you didn't eat fair fine foods, foods, foods, foods.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve.
Santa lost a toe.
Santa came to say, Santa's on his way.
Julie with your auntie so tight.
Won't you please Santa tonight with your work that you've done?
all of the other lawyers
lawyers
couldn't even believe it
it happened
I don't believe
and now
Christmas is saved
and I lost the meter
to the song
that was beautiful
yeah a lot of people
don't like that one
which is weird
Yeah.
It's a classic.
It is a classic.
I don't feel like I have gotten into the Christmas spirit until I am in the grocery store and I hear it for the first time.
And then it's like, oh, it hits, you know?
Yeah.
I don't feel like I get into the Christmas spirit until I'm in the grocery store and one of the employees is ceremonially fired.
Oh.
We wait for that.
The annual firing of the Deborah, which they're not always named Deborah, but Deborah was the first, obviously.
Yeah.
She refused to help a poor widow find stuffing.
And that widow was the wife of the cousin of the neighbor of the Virgin Mary.
Yep.
and uh so yeah but she and she was like i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
and she just kept saying that and the manager was like sorry i'm sorry yeah you gotta go
the wife of the cousin of the neighbor of the virgin mary was like the only way you could make
this right is to fire that woman and then so she walked out into the snow and fell into it
and rolled into it and she had a weird body yep and so when the snow covered her she looked like
a snowman yep which is why we call it snow deborahs yeah that's why every year children
make snow deborahs yeah so she she's still around yeah and sometimes if the children are cheeky
they put two little carrots where her nipples would be little little carrots well if they're
really cheeky they'll put long the original deborah did have long nipples yeah there's a whole
theory about this is like maybe that's the reason yes that they were distracting and then the
stuffing incident was just a look she couldn't help it and it wasn't her i feel like it was the
manager's fault for putting her in the frozen food aisle honestly yeah you can't fold them
in the in that aisle no they're unfoldable no no it's it's like a
thermometer in a turkey or whatever yeah a little button that pops it's so poor deborah
Poor, poor Debra.
But she lives on in lore and tradition.
Yeah, speaking of tradition, I walked in the nude to the post office.
Good.
I thought that was you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did it.
I just wanted to get it out of the way.
I know.
Can I be honest with you?
I haven't done it yet.
I don't know what I'm going to...
We should have done it together.
I know.
I've been putting it off
and I know I need to do it
before the end of
December 26th
otherwise
you better do it before
before Christmas even
because I tell you what
we open our gifts
you're too tired
to get naked
I know
every year
well it doesn't help
that you always buy me
something cozy
right I'm in this
I don't want to take it off
I know
and our arms
famously shrink
on Christmas
it's like I can't even
get to the bottom
of my sweater
I know
and
nobody wants to
walk around with shrunken arms.
So I really should. I should get on it.
I'll get on it. You really should.
I'll do it right now.
Okay.
You look great.
Oh, thank you. Merry Christmas.
Oh, thank you.
Well, don't
go yet. Just stay naked, I guess, because I still
want to talk about Christmas. Oh, yeah. Sorry.
I'll just sit here on this
metal seat.
Fully nude.
Of course. Of course.
okay um well i can i confess something to you please every year on christmas christmas is the
time of confession christmas yes every year on christmas i um i kind of do a little dirty
secret little thing oh i know it's like crazy um and i want to get it off my chest so i just want
to tell someone it'll be you i already got everything off my chest so yes it's a naked
secret between us.
Every year on Christmas, I go
downstairs and I
turn off
the carbon monoxide detectors.
Yeah. And
I back the car into the living room.
Oh.
I open the window, obviously.
And
I turn it on.
And I just want to see if Santa will
turn it off.
Does he? Yeah.
Oh. Yeah.
Santa loves to save the day
he's a fireman when he's not working
or hibernating
that's how he loses the weight
he's got that fit fireman bot
yeah is that weird?
no I think that's beautiful
I don't
I don't think that's weird at all
can I?
have you ever like
just like
tried to watch it happen
like you got your hands
the little bars like are the little things on the stairs and you're peeking through you're trying to
be like a little spectator for santa and like like is he gonna turn it off i think every year i try
and find santa and i fall asleep and then i wake up on the stairs with little line imprints on your
and the fire that i've said i've set the couch on fire but it's out because santa did that and
all is forgiven on christmas yeah oh yeah no you can't get in trouble for arson no carbon monoxide
buying your mom's jewelry putting cats and trees taking them out of trees different ones yeah
yeah it's all forgiven on christmas yeah santa also is going to take me with him this year i
was nominated as the good boy oh really yeah oh i was a semi-finalist once oh you should have won
thank you you were i came i felt like i came like really close but not close and like it was like
close enough to be really excited but you uh you how close are you did you i won you were robed by
the way thank you yeah i was robed yeah you should have got that one oh so that's i can't believe i'm
2025 good boy of the year i know i get to go in the sack and pull out the gift
you're the sack boy i am him he is i and then afterward he takes me to waffle house
in hoboken oh new jersey's beautiful yeah and he stands outside and beats up
people who want to hurt me while i eat whatever i want
well i don't know about you francis but i've had a wonderful parallel christmas
me too good luck jogging with everything oh you mean naked to the post office yeah
the new jaunt every year you gotta do it
but Santa's got a gun.
What did the reindeer do?
I ran away from...
Thank you.
All right, well.
Merry Christmas, Jenna.
Merry parallel Christmas, Francis.
Thank you, and have a happy parallel new year.
Okay.
huge success
I wish that was the real one
it is the real one
okay
yeah I naked look out post office Here I come Me too Nice Thanks Well after this we jaunt
But first, the big question.
The question is very big.
You want to hear a big question?
I do, please.
It's Christmas related.
Yay!
Let's pretend there's a child and the child is yours.
Okay.
Okay, you have a chat.
All right.
Your child is so sweet and is like in love with the magic of Christmas.
A true believer.
Yeah.
A kid from school spoils the truth of Christmas.
Okay.
Whatever that might be.
How do you exact your revenge on this older kid?
Ah, okay.
All right.
First, I befriend the child.
Like, not in a weird way, not a creepy way.
Like, in a way, like, because this kid, he's from a troubled home, I'm assuming.
I mean, he is.
I know he is.
Bullies don't just bully for fun.
right exactly so he's a little shitty little latchkey kid and um
so i basically like
i i kind of like met let it be like i convinced my child my sweet sweet child like hey
we got to do the right thing here he's just a bully to be a bully like because he's hurting
in his real life, right? So it's like, let's teach him the nice ways. Let's make him sweet like you.
And my kid's so sweet. He just wants like everyone in the world to be sweet, right?
So I bring this kid. His name is Darren. And Darren, I'm like, Darren,
you can come over. You can hang out at our house after school. I'll help you with your homework.
And then whenever your parents get home, that way you're not home by yourself.
You know, I know it's tough to be like a nine-year-old home by yourself.
So then Darren at first is like, whatever, I don't need that.
Whatever, Mrs. Groban, I don't need that.
And then, but then eventually he kind of likes like coming home to a nice house and having a snack.
And, and doing his homework and I'm helping him.
Right.
And so then he starts to actually like be a nicer kid.
And so he's becoming like kind of a good, sweet kid and he's evolving and he's like learning to like love family and stuff.
Okay.
So then it's like even so much so that like, like, so this is like now this is like all the second semester of school.
And like, he's, he's really grown attached.
He's like, he's feels like he's a member of our family now.
And like, even during the summertime, we have, we go camping every weekend or not every weekend,
but we go camping every summer, like one weekend, you know, when it gets really hot.
And then we go up North and camp and they're like, Darren, if you want to come camping with us,
you can come camping with us.
And he loves it.
And he, and this becomes like a tradition.
So Darren is now like almost a part of our family.
Right.
And he finally feels loved.
He feels accepted.
He's doing really well in school.
He's making friends like real friends.
He's not bullying anymore.
And then one Christmas Eve, three years later,
I invite Darren to spend the night at our house and do Christmas with us.
and then um and the next morning when their kids are at the top of the stairs
i i kind of like say look down there look at all the presents and there's presents piled up
so so high right and and so and then they're like so excited they're like oh thank you so much
Thanks.
Thanks, Mom.
He calls me Mom now.
Yeah.
And then I was like, you want those presents, Darren?
And he's like, yeah, thank you so much for including me in your family.
And then I slice his Achilles tendon.
His Achilles tendon.
I was like, good luck getting down the stairs now, bitch.
Is Christmas ruined for you like you ruined it for my kid?
and then yeah then he really feels the pain of a ruined christmas and a ruined heel yeah that too
you forgot to mention that he was getting a a runner scholarship yeah oh yeah you helped him
with that i will yeah the right young age of 10 yeah yeah he was already that good i know he was
being scouted yeah by runners university are you yeah are you no you're not
I think that would be effective
yeah I think that would be a lesson
that he learns and then while he's
lying there at the top of the stairs
in just absolute agony
because I think that's supposed to be one of the most painful things
that can happen to you
the tear in your atelier's contendent
I push him down the stairs and
you're closer to the presence now
here's a boost
oh I'm sorry let me help you
anyway that's how I would do it
that's good
that's effective.
Thank you.
How would you do it?
Yeah, how would you do it?
I would, um...
How would you exact
your revenge on Darren?
Let me tell you what I'd do.
I would find Darren's father,
who's probably the source
of his bulliness.
Kill the dad.
Sure.
Hide the body.
I would make it,
over the next year,
I would help it,
like all the meat and stuff
come off.
like a slow brisket.
Oh, you're cooking the body.
I want the bones.
Okay.
So I need the meat off.
You're just so efficient.
You don't want to waste any part of the Darren's dad.
Right, of course.
You use the whole Darren's dad.
Yeah, Darren is being Darren's dad.
Darren Sr.
Yep.
He's sad.
Anyway, he's soup.
Okay.
And I've got his bones
and I glue them fastidiously together.
and into the shape of a human.
So everything's the way it's supposed to be.
And this whole time I'm writing Darren letters.
I write,
Dear Darren,
It's Santa.
I hear you've been talking bad about me
that I'm not a thing.
I'm a thing.
I need you to believe.
If you don't believe, I'll die.
He wrote it twice.
And at the very bottom, a tiny, tiny print.
If you don't believe, I'll die.
And Darren's like, this is dumb.
I keep sending these letters all year while I'm gluing his dad back together.
Christmas Eve, he gets one last letter.
Darren, the world is counting on you.
I need you to believe.
If you don't believe, I'll die.
Has Darren at any point in time wondered where his dad is?
yeah that's one of the reasons he's not responding to these letters
okay
there is a p.o. box
like yeah
he's not that upset because his dad was mean obviously
that's why I also me a good person
did not feel bad about what I've done
right
anyway
Darren goes to sleep
I put the bones in a Santa outfit
and I drop him down Darren's chimney
and then when he wakes up
he finds it
and in
the
skeletal hand of his father
which he doesn't know
is his father
he thinks it's Santa
there's a
present
and when he opens it
it says
dear Darren
you deserve the world
P.S.
you're getting kind of thin
eat up
and it's condensed soup
oh
And the soup is the father.
Oh, wow.
But he doesn't know he's eating his father.
So he just thinks dead Santa gave him some soup.
There's a email that's scheduled to go out six months later.
Maybe even a year.
So we want to make sure he gets all the soup.
Yeah, he's fully digested all of the soup.
Yeah.
And then the letter just says, you ate your dad.
And that's it.
Does it have pictures of you making the soup, like the process along the way?
No, I want to keep being free.
Oh.
Yeah, there's no explanation.
It's just the letter that says, you ate your dad.
Oh.
Because they're going to test the bones.
Be like, you know, assuming he calls for help.
And they're going to be like, hey, this is your dad.
Well, what if they, oh, they will say?
Well, yeah, they're going to do a DNA test and be like, Darren, this is your dad.
And he'd be like, my dad is Santa?
Yeah, just layers on layers on layers.
Oh.
And then he ate Santa.
Yeah.
What kind of soup?
It's called soup data.
Okay.
Well, I think we've thoroughly answered the big question.
The big question.
Look out, Darren, you piece of shit.
Yeah.
Be nice.
Darren.
This is Santa's Dixie.
Well, we only have one final thing to do on the podcast.
Yep.
And that is to guess.
I don't know what I was doing.
Francis wound up for something, but then didn't follow.
I was going to scream the big question, but we're beyond that.
We're past the big question.
Totes.
It's secret word time.
Oh, yeah.
I really am hoping for a Christmas miracle.
Me too.
I have two guesses for your secret word and a guess for your decoy word.
Okay.
I gotta pee.
Ooh, I'll hold it.
Okay.
Never mind.
Is your word fastidiously?
No.
Okay.
Nice word though, huh?
Yeah, good word.
Is your word condensed?
No.
Okay.
It's the word mavandata.
There was also a word that you said earlier on that I forgot to write down, that I'm worried it's the word.
Well, we'll find out, won't we?
What's your guess for my decoy word?
I'm guessing your decoy word is niece?
No.
Oh, dang.
Oh, you scared me because you're done?
Yeah, I'm finished.
Okay, you scared me because you started writing down after I said it.
No!
Yeah.
No, I was close.
You were close.
Oh.
So my real word was bloodline.
Oh, and I wrote down niece.
Yeah.
I got the wrong part of that.
Yeah.
And my decoy word was trance, which I said in the beginning.
Wait, when did you say that?
during invention of the week
you're gonna be in a trance
these prices or so
something
oh
that's
that was a real way
that was a stupid
I don't know why I didn't
notice that
that was a stupid way
to say that
okay
there's a word I wrote down
I'm scared as your decoy words
so I'm not going to say that one
is your word
latchkey?
no
do I do it?
do it
because I don't think you wrote down anything
I don't know why I'm telling you
is your word divergence?
no
I knew you were going to guess that
I actually knew you were going to guess that too
because I saw you write something down right after I said it
and I was like thanks it's divergence
darn idiot
no my secret word
is spectator.
I asked if you would ever sit on the stairs
and hold the little bars and be a spectator to Santa.
That's a good one.
I thought that was a real awkward way to say that.
You did it well.
It was okay.
I'm grateful that you didn't.
I was dizzy from the carbon monoxide.
Yeah.
You were in a trance.
My bloodline was in a trance from the carbon monoxide.
My decoy word was withheld,
which I'm trying to remember how I said that now.
It was related to Francis's alternate invention.
Oh, yes.
It will be withheld from the regular listeners.
The decoy, or his new invention of the week.
Which, again...
The Christmas pigs are here.
The Boxing Day pigs.
We better go.
Go social media.
Very fine friends.
if you want to see what the invention was
send us a message
and we will send you that
and if you want to know
we both got a point for saying our secret words
but sadly no extra points were added
but if you want to check out the point totals
go to veryfinefriends.com
you can check those out
but in the meantime
I hope you all
wait, what?
One last thing.
Yes.
We decided to give our listeners one drink of water.
Free.
I'm going to be honest.
I was originally against this idea.
But it is Christmas after all.
So you get one, listeners, you get one sip of water.
That was beautiful.
Merry Christmas, y'all.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Bye.