1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:21,260
oh holy night

2
00:00:21,260 --> 00:00:28,880
mr groban is that you no it's mrs groban

3
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:40,240
hey everyone hey um you had a story to tell me yeah i was thinking about christmas i was

4
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:45,640
thinking about christmas time holiday time and i was remembering that when i was um

5
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:50,200
when i was in elementary school we used to do

6
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:58,040
shows in like concerts and and i got chosen to sing silver bells

7
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:06,980
and that's the one hey royalty to me oh sorry this is just like that movie the santa claus

8
00:01:06,980 --> 00:01:13,580
the original singer is dead it is me now oh okay anyway that's how that works yeah so i was like

9
00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:18,200
all excited to sing and they gave me like a lyric sheet um but there was a typo on the lyric sheet

10
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:22,320
but i didn't know this like the words yeah so it was my first time like seeing the words in print

11
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:26,780
so i was like oh i've been wrong this whole time so i got up there saying i was like

12
00:01:26,780 --> 00:01:35,360
whatever the lead is like this is santa's big day it's big um scene oh it is this big day yeah so

13
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:42,360
i was up there i was like this is santa's dig scene and people were like what

14
00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:51,300
and i was like no like because cole oh i thought it was like hey man i really dig this scene

15
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:55,860
yeah and then i found out like it was supposed to be big scene and i was like who typed this

16
00:01:55,860 --> 00:02:01,660
yeah what kind of an idiot this was a school function what kind of idiot i can i can tell

17
00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:06,720
you the teacher's name but i don't use her real name um she was the she was the first teacher

18
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,540
who told me it was time to stop hugging the teachers

19
00:02:09,540 --> 00:02:16,020
we did not get off on the right foot i gave her like a hug one day and she goes

20
00:02:16,020 --> 00:02:21,500
you're at the age now where these are inappropriate i'm like oh how old were you

21
00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:22,460
It was in fifth grade.

22
00:02:22,980 --> 00:02:23,500
You were 10?

23
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:26,260
That's some quick math from Juby.

24
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,080
Not really math so much as memory.

25
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:30,760
Yeah, maybe.

26
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:31,240
Yeah.

27
00:02:31,540 --> 00:02:32,440
But yeah, can you believe that?

28
00:02:32,860 --> 00:02:33,300
Unbelievable.

29
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:34,920
And no shame.

30
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:35,920
No shame at all.

31
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:38,740
It just sticks in my head because she made me feel bad.

32
00:02:39,020 --> 00:02:41,700
And then I looked at her and she had very hairy arms.

33
00:02:42,180 --> 00:02:43,640
Oh, so you dodged a bullet.

34
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:44,560
Yeah.

35
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:45,280
Who wants that?

36
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,480
Yeah, I could have caught that.

37
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:48,760
Yeah.

38
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:49,780
But you'll notice.

39
00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:54,160
Francis was just showing us his arms, listeners.

40
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,100
And it's only some hair.

41
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,400
It's an appropriate amount of hair.

42
00:02:58,820 --> 00:02:59,680
Occasional rabbits.

43
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:03,240
Occasional rabbits, yes.

44
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,340
Well, that really put me in the Christmas spirit.

45
00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,600
Merry Christmas, everybody.

46
00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:11,180
Merry Christmas.

47
00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:12,760
It's Christmas Day.

48
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,240
The turkeys are in the oven.

49
00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:18,460
They're already dead, though.

50
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:19,580
Don't be alarmed.

51
00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:21,400
No, mine's alive.

52
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,420
Can you hear it in the distance?

53
00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:26,880
Yeah, she's turning it up one degree an hour.

54
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:27,320
Yep.

55
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,280
It's never going to realize what's happened.

56
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,560
It's like a frog boiling in water.

57
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,100
Yeah, it's taking off its sweater.

58
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:40,640
I've gotten...

59
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,720
I got the ham in the window of the butcher shop.

60
00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:45,180
The one that's as big as me.

61
00:03:46,180 --> 00:03:47,840
We're going to have a feast tonight.

62
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,240
And I bought myself a present.

63
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:51,000
Oh.

64
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:52,600
What'd you get?

65
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:54,740
I don't want to tell myself yet.

66
00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:55,240
Oh, okay.

67
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:56,140
And I wrapped it in a bone.

68
00:03:56,140 --> 00:03:57,600
It's not time for presents yet.

69
00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,020
No, it's time for being grateful.

70
00:03:59,480 --> 00:03:59,880
Oh.

71
00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:01,800
Well, I'm grateful for you.

72
00:04:02,620 --> 00:04:02,960
Likewise.

73
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:03,820
Thank you.

74
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,140
I'm also grateful for her words.

75
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,860
For our producer, Joe.

76
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:08,460
Oh.

77
00:04:09,460 --> 00:04:11,420
I guess I'll be grateful for Joe, too.

78
00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:12,640
It's good karma.

79
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:13,440
Yeah.

80
00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:16,540
I'm grateful that Jenna is grateful for me.

81
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,280
Oh, that makes it all worthwhile.

82
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:23,780
I only like to be grateful when people appreciate my gratefulness.

83
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:25,740
That's the magic of Christmas.

84
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,040
Of Christmas.

85
00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:29,700
That's the proper way.

86
00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:30,520
Christ-mas.

87
00:04:30,740 --> 00:04:31,480
Yes, yes.

88
00:04:31,740 --> 00:04:32,840
Quick interruption.

89
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:42,900
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.

90
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:51,260
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.

91
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,540
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.

92
00:04:56,480 --> 00:05:00,520
And right before we die, we add up all the points.

93
00:05:01,420 --> 00:05:06,060
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.

94
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,820
Here's Joe with today's secret words.

95
00:05:09,820 --> 00:05:13,020
Jenna's secret word is spectator

96
00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:16,480
Jenna's decoy word is withheld

97
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,980
Francis' secret word is bloodline

98
00:05:19,980 --> 00:05:23,300
Francis' decoy word is trance

99
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:25,280
back to the pod

100
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,480
as we celebrate a tiny baby's birth

101
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:33,380
I like to think back

102
00:05:33,380 --> 00:05:35,840
on the year

103
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,500
I don't know where I was going with that

104
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:43,620
I like to think back to all the other Christmases I've had before.

105
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:46,180
And how this one's going to blow it out of the water.

106
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,200
Oh, yeah.

107
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:49,000
Oh, yeah.

108
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,240
You know, I like the idea of being an adult.

109
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:53,520
Maybe.

110
00:05:54,080 --> 00:06:02,480
I don't drink, by the way, but picking up a handle of some alcohol, going back to my house, putting on some music, and just falling on the couch.

111
00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:03,400
No food.

112
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:04,400
No gifts.

113
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:05,340
No people.

114
00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:07,780
A hungry man TV dinner in the microwave.

115
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:08,860
If I'm lucky.

116
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:09,420
Yeah.

117
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:13,140
and there's pictures of mashed potatoes on the on the box

118
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:18,520
thank you potatoes for your sacrifice that's what i'm grateful for

119
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,800
potatoes oh me too how great is a potato so great

120
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:26,540
which is like nuts that we ever ate that right like that we ever ate a potato

121
00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:29,760
like if you saw a potato loose you'd be like this is just a soft rock

122
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:34,040
a hundred percent yeah i'd be like you were the worst gatherer

123
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:38,260
kill him yes what are you what are you gathering this for

124
00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:44,520
you dug this out of the ground you're nuts phil had a mental collapse he's digging in dirt for food

125
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:49,520
and then to be like you know what i bet if we give this thing a nice bath if we just like

126
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:58,080
pretty woman this like it's gonna be amazing phil washed the the soft rock and we just let him

127
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:02,720
because it's like he's going through stuff maybe he was just using it as a loofah oh and then it's

128
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,060
And peeling the potato at the same time.

129
00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:09,880
And it kind of peeled because he had an inappropriate amount of hair,

130
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:11,000
inappropriate rabbits.

131
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,660
And so it peeled that potato.

132
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:16,920
Yeah, hundreds of thousands of years later,

133
00:07:17,380 --> 00:07:18,920
his descendant was my teacher.

134
00:07:21,420 --> 00:07:22,700
Mrs. Potato Head.

135
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:23,640
Oh.

136
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:26,660
Oh, and that's why she wrote dig is because she was having ancestral

137
00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:28,880
memories of digging the potato out of the ground.

138
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:29,720
Oh, my God.

139
00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:31,300
Wow.

140
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,700
Yeah, but then someone probably was like, just take a bite to be nice.

141
00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:38,180
We're going to have to kill him later tonight.

142
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:38,660
Yeah.

143
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:40,840
And they were like, wait.

144
00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:42,380
What?

145
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:50,080
Someone got so angry.

146
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:52,100
They were like, what are you bringing this to us for?

147
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,200
Then they mashed and mashed and mashed.

148
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,640
And then it looked pretty good after that.

149
00:07:56,780 --> 00:07:56,980
Yeah.

150
00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:01,180
And then someone tripped and their bowl of melted butter just went right onto it.

151
00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:05,500
And then someone was trying to have good luck,

152
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,620
and so they threw salt over behind their shoulder,

153
00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:09,340
and it landed on the mashed potato,

154
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,980
and then it's like, we can't waste this now.

155
00:08:12,180 --> 00:08:14,820
And then they got left out in the sun, so they were twice baked.

156
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:16,060
Oh, yeah.

157
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:18,700
Plus doobies.

158
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,380
That kind of bake, too.

159
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:23,700
The tale of the potato.

160
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:24,840
A beautiful story.

161
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:25,300
Yeah.

162
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:25,800
Potato.

163
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:27,900
Oh, potato.

164
00:08:28,380 --> 00:08:28,920
Nice, Joe.

165
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:29,240
Potato.

166
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,200
it's a christmas miracle

167
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:39,840
oh well speaking of christmas miracles hi yep

168
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:48,580
no it is miraculous how you always have an invention of the week and it is time now

169
00:08:48,580 --> 00:08:57,560
for such an invention i almost said adventure invention i want an adventure too okay well

170
00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:01,120
let's take an adventure with the invention of the week.

171
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:04,200
Inventions.

172
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,100
This is a Christmas invention.

173
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:09,960
Yay.

174
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:11,200
By me,

175
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:13,560
Francis Phillips.

176
00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:15,580
Good.

177
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:17,820
Good fake name,

178
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:18,160
Francis.

179
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:19,920
Okay,

180
00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:20,440
here it is.

181
00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:20,760
Okay.

182
00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:23,360
You know how we want stuff?

183
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:24,760
I do know that.

184
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,560
You know how there's so much stuff to want?

185
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:30,640
Yeah.

186
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,120
You know how stuff's expensive?

187
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:33,440
Yes.

188
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:35,740
Guess what?

189
00:09:36,060 --> 00:09:36,380
What?

190
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,720
I have an answer.

191
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,360
Are you inventing Santa?

192
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:42,620
Just I want to know right now.

193
00:09:43,020 --> 00:09:43,440
No.

194
00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:45,120
That would be a good idea, though.

195
00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:47,500
Santa's already been invented.

196
00:09:50,060 --> 00:09:50,540
By...

197
00:09:50,540 --> 00:09:51,560
Corporate America.

198
00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:56,200
Can I just take a little side divergence about Santa?

199
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:56,720
Yeah.

200
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,260
since we're in the Christmas spirit and talking about Santa.

201
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:00,440
You may.

202
00:10:03,620 --> 00:10:04,880
I love Santa.

203
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,880
And there's a part of me that thinks he is actually real.

204
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,180
I just want to say that.

205
00:10:11,140 --> 00:10:12,780
Whenever I see like a mall Santa,

206
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,240
and if it's a really good mall Santa,

207
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,640
I get like a little like catch in my throat

208
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,060
where I'm like, he's here.

209
00:10:18,980 --> 00:10:20,140
You like the magic of it.

210
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:20,520
I do.

211
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,420
I love the magic of it.

212
00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:22,840
And it's like kind of like seeing a celebrity.

213
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:23,940
I'm like, I can't believe he's here.

214
00:10:24,780 --> 00:10:26,360
Kind of like put you in a trance, you would say?

215
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:55,840
Yeah, and I love it. And there was a very, very long period of time that I refused to hear anything to the contrary about Santa. I was way too old to be fighting this hard for it, but I did. So Santa, if you're listening, and I know you are, I got your back, buddy. And just give me an autograph or something. Because I'm your number one fan. Okay, sorry. Go back to your adventure.

216
00:10:55,840 --> 00:11:00,080
I'm glad you said that because when he wakes from his hibernation, which should be about now.

217
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:04,300
Well, no, I mean, he's probably settling in now.

218
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:05,060
It's Christmas Day.

219
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:06,800
Yeah.

220
00:11:07,340 --> 00:11:09,940
Well, he's got everything so dialed in.

221
00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:12,400
He's got 24 hours.

222
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,520
He and Mrs. Claus veg out in front of the TV.

223
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:17,760
And then he sleeps for like nine months.

224
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:18,420
Yeah.

225
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:20,660
That's why he's so fat.

226
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:21,520
Yeah.

227
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:23,480
Sleeping is the leading cause of obesity.

228
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,940
Because he's a sleep eater, too.

229
00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:25,440
Yeah.

230
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,660
A few people know that about Santa.

231
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,600
So he's resting away.

232
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:35,180
And instead of getting that good fasting time, no, he's shoveling potatoes.

233
00:11:35,460 --> 00:11:35,740
Yeah.

234
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,180
In his sleep.

235
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:37,920
From olden times.

236
00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:39,060
Yep.

237
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:40,140
He saved them.

238
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:40,620
Yeah.

239
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:42,940
From olden times.

240
00:11:43,940 --> 00:11:45,340
Well, God bless you, Santa.

241
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:46,400
Yeah.

242
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:48,280
Okay.

243
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:49,880
Back to the invention.

244
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:50,400
Okay.

245
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,020
Which is great.

246
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:54,720
Here it is.

247
00:11:55,440 --> 00:12:07,180
The invention is, isn't it stupid that, okay, I want to buy this product, but this product is $100.

248
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:11,580
I bet you a thousand other people want the same product.

249
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:12,460
Yeah.

250
00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:20,740
My invention is a website slash app that people put in what they're going to buy.

251
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,780
Like the gift buyers.

252
00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:25,980
they put in what they're going to buy

253
00:12:25,980 --> 00:12:29,380
and then we tally up all the quantities

254
00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:31,100
and then we go to the

255
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:33,200
the company goes to the manufacturer and says

256
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,080
what kind of discount can we get on this quantity

257
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,160
and then

258
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,360
they buy it in bulk

259
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:41,240
and then so you get it for a cheaper price

260
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,920
and then it gets shipped from the company

261
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:43,920
Santa

262
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,160
incorporated or whatever

263
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,300
so it's like you're getting the present directly from Santa

264
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,200
it's cheaper

265
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,040
it utilizes like

266
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:54,540
They're guaranteed a certain level of inventory.

267
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:55,240
Exactly.

268
00:12:55,820 --> 00:12:59,880
So you pay, basically you put your money in company escrow.

269
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:00,300
Yeah.

270
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:00,840
We hold it.

271
00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:03,200
We get the discount.

272
00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:04,620
We purchase the product.

273
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,300
We ship the product for whatever the event is.

274
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:10,100
Okay.

275
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:10,240
Okay.

276
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:18,580
Now, what about like shipping?

277
00:13:18,780 --> 00:13:21,300
Because you'd want it to go to individuals.

278
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:22,700
So the shipping would have to be.

279
00:13:24,340 --> 00:13:25,920
So here's something that's interesting.

280
00:13:26,060 --> 00:13:35,280
I used to buy dog food, like raw dog food from a company that did deliveries for a group, like groups of people.

281
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:42,300
And they would, we have a location where we would go like on a Saturday and like we'd all pick up our order.

282
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:43,680
Yeah.

283
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:44,860
From like a central location.

284
00:13:44,860 --> 00:13:46,420
So it could be like based on your city.

285
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:47,900
It's a pickup zone.

286
00:13:48,020 --> 00:13:48,280
Like, yeah.

287
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,080
So you're in Phoenix.

288
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,040
So you're going to go to.

289
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:51,080
Okay.

290
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,220
Plaza? I mean, that's part of the reason why

291
00:13:53,220 --> 00:13:55,120
buying in bulk is good, because it's like,

292
00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:57,220
well, we have one shipment to make, right?

293
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:58,840
Mm-hmm. Okay.

294
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,100
And then possibly they could get a discount because

295
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:03,280
they're going to actually pick up

296
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,980
the product from the location.

297
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,220
Not a lot, but maybe a little

298
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:08,860
bit to make it worth their wealth.

299
00:14:08,860 --> 00:14:09,100
Yeah, every little bit helps.

300
00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:09,840
Yeah.

301
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:11,780
Okay.

302
00:14:12,780 --> 00:14:15,060
I can't believe this doesn't exist already.

303
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,760
Honestly. Actually, yeah.

304
00:14:17,380 --> 00:14:18,020
How about that?

305
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:20,880
Wow, Francis.

306
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:24,220
it's a christmas miracle

307
00:14:24,220 --> 00:14:27,740
and there's tracks

308
00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:32,140
but yes there's a valve system

309
00:14:32,140 --> 00:14:44,280
okay um yeah i so this would be a third party that kind of collects like

310
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:48,360
is like a like a mediator like hey

311
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:56,700
tonka trucks we got a thousand people in phoenix that would buy a tonka truck if it was

312
00:14:56,700 --> 00:15:04,180
15 instead of 25 well we're basically a wholesaler at this point so it's like we just go to wait

313
00:15:04,180 --> 00:15:10,960
did you just invent sam's club and amazon yeah and amazon but we're passing more of the discounts

314
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:14,060
See, the thing about making a profit is it's great to make a profit.

315
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,840
You don't need to make all the profit.

316
00:15:16,380 --> 00:15:17,720
You can be good for the people.

317
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:19,100
You know?

318
00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:30,536
Just give us a little Just a taste Just what our beaks Just a little potato in our mouth Yeah Wait okay

319
00:15:31,916 --> 00:15:33,576
So wait, how is this different then?

320
00:15:34,996 --> 00:15:36,416
It started so good.

321
00:15:36,576 --> 00:15:37,836
It started really good.

322
00:15:38,116 --> 00:15:39,376
I forgot about those things.

323
00:15:39,376 --> 00:15:42,296
It's not a big corporate giant.

324
00:15:44,456 --> 00:15:46,476
So it's good just because we're better people

325
00:15:46,476 --> 00:15:49,896
than Jeff Bezos and Sam of Sam's Club.

326
00:15:49,996 --> 00:15:50,956
Here's the difference.

327
00:15:51,096 --> 00:15:52,676
We don't need

328
00:15:52,676 --> 00:15:53,596
Dr. Sam. Dr. Club.

329
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:56,916
We don't need employees

330
00:15:56,916 --> 00:15:59,296
because no one's picking orders and delivering it.

331
00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:01,096
We're just basically taking an order

332
00:16:01,096 --> 00:16:02,736
from the public and being like

333
00:16:02,736 --> 00:16:04,716
you don't gotta pay shipping.

334
00:16:05,336 --> 00:16:06,736
You just pay us a fee

335
00:16:06,736 --> 00:16:08,016
and we'll get you your

336
00:16:08,016 --> 00:16:09,976
product.

337
00:16:10,576 --> 00:16:12,696
We're doing what Amazon does except

338
00:16:12,696 --> 00:16:15,216
we're saying you have to do the work on your end.

339
00:16:15,416 --> 00:16:17,856
You can't give us

340
00:16:17,856 --> 00:16:18,636
your inventory.

341
00:16:18,636 --> 00:16:22,716
So it's not as good of a discount as Amazon?

342
00:16:23,976 --> 00:16:29,736
Now that I think of it, they probably get pretty good prices on those items.

343
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:30,216
Yeah.

344
00:16:34,416 --> 00:16:35,616
Sugar crush!

345
00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:47,376
Well, I can guarantee you it's a good idea in my heart.

346
00:16:47,376 --> 00:16:50,816
No, it struck me immediately.

347
00:16:52,456 --> 00:17:01,016
I do think there is something to be said for gauging general interest.

348
00:17:02,976 --> 00:17:10,916
And just kind of getting like a survey of like,

349
00:17:12,436 --> 00:17:15,936
I was going to say like a survey of what people would pay for something.

350
00:17:15,936 --> 00:17:20,356
but then you get a lot of people being like i'd only pay ten dollars for it because they want it

351
00:17:20,356 --> 00:17:25,336
cheaper but if you made people put their money where their mouth is if it is like an escrow

352
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:31,876
account how about this let's let's pivot um love a good christmas pivot

353
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:39,756
um i was thinking real quick you know sometimes you like let's say joe wants something

354
00:17:39,756 --> 00:17:45,176
i know he does let's say i want something i know you do joe has it

355
00:17:45,176 --> 00:17:53,696
what i have what joe wants this system is like oh you know what joe wants what you have and you

356
00:17:53,696 --> 00:18:01,236
want what joe has let's do a swap and if it's like there's a value difference then i can pay

357
00:18:01,236 --> 00:18:08,196
or he can pay a little bit more to get the item like like ebay or craigslist yeah i think this

358
00:18:08,196 --> 00:18:09,456
also already exists.

359
00:18:10,036 --> 00:18:10,976
No, no, no, no, no, no.

360
00:18:10,976 --> 00:18:11,196
Nope.

361
00:18:12,056 --> 00:18:12,456
No.

362
00:18:13,596 --> 00:18:14,116
No.

363
00:18:14,656 --> 00:18:15,336
Oh, okay.

364
00:18:15,476 --> 00:18:15,916
No.

365
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:17,816
Mrs. Grubin?

366
00:18:22,276 --> 00:18:24,936
You don't get to trade on eBay.

367
00:18:25,076 --> 00:18:25,856
You gotta buy something.

368
00:18:26,476 --> 00:18:27,276
You trade money.

369
00:18:27,836 --> 00:18:28,096
I mean.

370
00:18:30,136 --> 00:18:32,096
But then you can also sell the thing

371
00:18:32,096 --> 00:18:33,116
that you no longer want

372
00:18:33,116 --> 00:18:34,076
to get said money.

373
00:18:34,336 --> 00:18:35,876
And you can probably

374
00:18:35,876 --> 00:18:37,956
trade in-kind items

375
00:18:37,956 --> 00:18:40,316
on like Facebook Marketplace or Craigslist or something.

376
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:51,056
I like the spirit of this.

377
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:53,836
I feel like there is a key element that we're missing

378
00:18:53,836 --> 00:18:56,816
that would actually make this different than something that already exists.

379
00:18:58,616 --> 00:19:01,116
Maybe like the product,

380
00:19:01,896 --> 00:19:05,216
like instead of like toy corporations,

381
00:19:05,216 --> 00:19:07,676
like whoever makes Tonka, Tonka trucks.

382
00:19:07,956 --> 00:19:09,276
We're really plugging Tonka today.

383
00:19:10,036 --> 00:19:13,116
Well, like going back to Jenna's example, what if instead it was like,

384
00:19:13,116 --> 00:19:19,076
like furniture stores, but like not like big box furniture stores.

385
00:19:19,296 --> 00:19:20,356
Little box furniture stores.

386
00:19:20,516 --> 00:19:20,756
Well, yeah.

387
00:19:20,816 --> 00:19:23,656
And that's also like what you were saying about how it'll, it'll,

388
00:19:23,836 --> 00:19:25,436
it'll do better than those other places.

389
00:19:25,436 --> 00:19:26,656
Cause it's not a giant corporation.

390
00:19:26,656 --> 00:19:30,616
Like, okay, well then why don't we work with local like stores,

391
00:19:31,136 --> 00:19:34,836
places that don't have like giant warehouses and already get good deals from

392
00:19:34,836 --> 00:19:35,096
Amazon.

393
00:19:35,096 --> 00:19:39,216
What if this is just a way to destabilize Amazon?

394
00:19:39,556 --> 00:19:44,156
So we basically work with the people who sell their products on there and we say, who wants

395
00:19:44,156 --> 00:19:45,376
to come over to our platform?

396
00:19:46,896 --> 00:19:47,296
Okay.

397
00:19:47,476 --> 00:19:48,736
Because Amazon takes a big cut.

398
00:19:49,736 --> 00:19:51,416
I don't know if that's true, but it felt true.

399
00:19:51,596 --> 00:19:51,776
I have no idea.

400
00:19:51,956 --> 00:19:52,536
It feels true.

401
00:19:52,636 --> 00:19:53,856
And I said it with exclamation.

402
00:19:54,096 --> 00:19:54,776
It felt true.

403
00:19:54,996 --> 00:19:55,196
Yeah.

404
00:19:56,796 --> 00:20:00,956
I'm going to let Joe read my backup invention while you and I keep talking.

405
00:20:02,896 --> 00:20:04,676
It just came to me.

406
00:20:05,096 --> 00:20:14,396
Well, now I want to know what the backup invention is.

407
00:20:15,896 --> 00:20:17,716
Technically, this already exists, too.

408
00:20:17,976 --> 00:20:18,516
Are you sure?

409
00:20:19,436 --> 00:20:20,396
Oh, I'm sure.

410
00:20:22,016 --> 00:20:22,396
Man.

411
00:20:25,556 --> 00:20:26,036
Well.

412
00:20:32,776 --> 00:20:34,176
Oh, listeners.

413
00:20:35,096 --> 00:20:36,256
This is going to drive you nuts.

414
00:20:40,236 --> 00:20:42,456
Not knowing, but we're not going to say it on pod.

415
00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:43,816
So I'm going to say this.

416
00:20:44,136 --> 00:20:50,836
If any listener tags us on social media and asks us what the Christmas, the secret Christmas

417
00:20:50,836 --> 00:20:53,256
invention is, we will reveal it.

418
00:20:53,256 --> 00:21:01,676
So on social media at very fine friends, you can find out what the secret invention this

419
00:21:01,676 --> 00:21:02,216
week is.

420
00:21:02,396 --> 00:21:03,636
It's the only way to find out.

421
00:21:03,916 --> 00:21:05,016
Oh, a secret Santa.

422
00:21:05,096 --> 00:21:06,556
It's all Secret Santa.

423
00:21:06,976 --> 00:21:07,336
Yes.

424
00:21:07,436 --> 00:21:08,416
And we'll ship you one.

425
00:21:08,916 --> 00:21:09,116
Yep.

426
00:21:11,016 --> 00:21:11,396
And.

427
00:21:11,656 --> 00:21:12,136
Asterisk.

428
00:21:12,736 --> 00:21:13,596
No, we won't.

429
00:21:15,396 --> 00:21:16,556
But maybe.

430
00:21:17,436 --> 00:21:19,816
We didn't say when we'd ship it.

431
00:21:19,836 --> 00:21:20,276
That's true.

432
00:21:21,236 --> 00:21:22,796
Only one way to find out.

433
00:21:23,016 --> 00:21:24,016
Stay alive and wait.

434
00:21:24,396 --> 00:21:24,616
Yeah.

435
00:21:26,056 --> 00:21:29,096
So if you haven't received it, it's not because it's been withheld.

436
00:21:29,876 --> 00:21:34,016
It just means it's still in transit.

437
00:21:34,016 --> 00:21:45,916
it yes yes yes um okay well i feel like there is a way other than us just being better people than

438
00:21:45,916 --> 00:21:54,216
jeff bezos which i don't know am i am i really you are you sure yeah i do have better hair but

439
00:21:54,216 --> 00:22:02,316
that's not hard i don't i i don't look like an evil snake he looks like an evil snake or like

440
00:22:02,316 --> 00:22:04,876
he looks like one of those hairless dogs.

441
00:22:06,656 --> 00:22:06,896
You know?

442
00:22:07,036 --> 00:22:09,916
He looks like the beak of a bird.

443
00:22:12,476 --> 00:22:13,816
That has not been wet.

444
00:22:17,076 --> 00:22:17,916
Sorry, Jeff.

445
00:22:18,876 --> 00:22:20,096
You dry beak freak.

446
00:22:20,996 --> 00:22:23,536
We'll take this episode down if you give us a lot of money.

447
00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:24,016
Yeah.

448
00:22:25,896 --> 00:22:26,376
Yeah.

449
00:22:27,076 --> 00:22:30,496
After all that, I'm better than Jeff Bezos.

450
00:22:30,976 --> 00:22:32,116
We're not better than Jeff Bezos.

451
00:22:32,116 --> 00:22:34,116
We're hungry out here.

452
00:22:34,536 --> 00:22:35,856
You've forgotten what it's like to be hungry.

453
00:22:36,796 --> 00:22:37,036
Yeah.

454
00:22:38,136 --> 00:22:39,536
You're satiated.

455
00:22:41,796 --> 00:22:46,236
Lauren Sanchez, if you're listening, and I know you are, I'll take your money too.

456
00:22:47,456 --> 00:22:49,856
That money you've gotten from being married to Bezos.

457
00:22:50,356 --> 00:22:51,716
So I think that's her name.

458
00:22:52,276 --> 00:22:52,716
It is.

459
00:22:52,856 --> 00:22:53,616
I think.

460
00:22:53,796 --> 00:22:54,336
I think so.

461
00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:54,636
Hold on.

462
00:22:54,676 --> 00:22:55,956
I just want to say hi to someone else real quick.

463
00:22:56,096 --> 00:22:56,316
Okay.

464
00:22:56,676 --> 00:22:57,316
Hi, Mackenzie.

465
00:22:58,676 --> 00:22:59,116
Hi.

466
00:23:01,376 --> 00:23:01,776
Mackenzie.

467
00:23:02,116 --> 00:23:02,656
Bezos?

468
00:23:02,996 --> 00:23:03,096
Yeah.

469
00:23:03,716 --> 00:23:05,556
He did you wrong, girl.

470
00:23:05,816 --> 00:23:07,456
Yeah, she's giving away b-b-b-billions.

471
00:23:07,896 --> 00:23:09,936
Yeah, you know who needs b-b-b-billions?

472
00:23:10,316 --> 00:23:11,056
M-m-m-m-me.

473
00:23:11,956 --> 00:23:12,456
Yep.

474
00:23:13,476 --> 00:23:14,336
Just Francis.

475
00:23:15,056 --> 00:23:15,576
Thanks.

476
00:23:16,056 --> 00:23:17,516
I have a name for the invention if you're interested.

477
00:23:17,536 --> 00:23:18,216
I am interested.

478
00:23:19,056 --> 00:23:24,216
It was going to be giftsfrommomanddata.com.

479
00:23:25,736 --> 00:23:26,256
Okay.

480
00:23:26,596 --> 00:23:28,036
Shorthand, momanddata.

481
00:23:30,676 --> 00:23:31,196
Okay.

482
00:23:31,656 --> 00:23:32,436
D-A-T-A.

483
00:23:32,516 --> 00:23:32,756
Yeah.

484
00:23:33,656 --> 00:23:34,176
Oh, data.

485
00:23:35,116 --> 00:23:35,476
Yeah.

486
00:23:35,596 --> 00:23:37,116
I thought you were just saying dad weird.

487
00:23:37,896 --> 00:23:38,256
Dad.

488
00:23:38,936 --> 00:23:39,296
Data.

489
00:23:39,636 --> 00:23:40,216
Hey, let me try again.

490
00:23:40,896 --> 00:23:42,876
Gifts from momanddata.com.

491
00:23:44,036 --> 00:23:45,196
This Christmas.

492
00:23:50,256 --> 00:23:51,696
How about, real quick.

493
00:23:51,816 --> 00:23:52,156
Okay.

494
00:23:52,596 --> 00:23:54,576
You got a bunch of stuff you don't need and you're going to give it away, right?

495
00:23:54,736 --> 00:23:54,936
Yeah.

496
00:23:56,576 --> 00:23:57,256
Give it to us.

497
00:23:57,256 --> 00:23:57,936
Don't give it to Goodwill.

498
00:23:58,196 --> 00:23:58,816
Tell us what you got.

499
00:23:58,916 --> 00:24:00,796
If it's not crap, we'll put it on our website.

500
00:24:01,196 --> 00:24:02,176
Other people can claim it.

501
00:24:04,316 --> 00:24:05,696
This also exists.

502
00:24:06,276 --> 00:24:07,836
Isn't this goodwill?

503
00:24:08,496 --> 00:24:15,176
I feel like life's going to be over soon because everything's been done and ideas are old now.

504
00:24:15,656 --> 00:24:18,256
No, you have some very original ideas.

505
00:24:18,256 --> 00:24:22,076
There are definitely things you have invented that no one has ever thought of.

506
00:24:22,536 --> 00:24:27,596
And I feel pretty confident that we could have gotten years without people thinking of it.

507
00:24:28,016 --> 00:24:31,076
So pick yourself up.

508
00:24:31,076 --> 00:24:31,436
kid

509
00:24:31,436 --> 00:24:34,916
I'm up

510
00:24:34,916 --> 00:24:36,316
good

511
00:24:36,316 --> 00:24:39,456
he was on the floor for a while

512
00:24:39,456 --> 00:24:39,836
listeners

513
00:24:39,836 --> 00:24:41,956
but he's up now

514
00:24:41,956 --> 00:24:43,876
yeah thank you I believe myself again

515
00:24:43,876 --> 00:24:44,776
good

516
00:24:44,776 --> 00:24:47,036
no this is just

517
00:24:47,036 --> 00:24:50,016
I mean these are good

518
00:24:50,016 --> 00:24:52,676
I feel like there's one missing component

519
00:24:52,676 --> 00:24:54,716
in this that would make it work

520
00:24:54,716 --> 00:24:57,416
don't know what it is

521
00:24:57,416 --> 00:24:58,316
I just feel like

522
00:24:58,316 --> 00:25:02,676
or that make it wouldn't distinguish it in a way that it makes it materially different

523
00:25:02,676 --> 00:25:09,136
well you know just think about this way a lot of people don't want to give their money to amazon

524
00:25:09,136 --> 00:25:13,636
for their own reasons yeah they just don't believe in it so if they had an alternative

525
00:25:13,636 --> 00:25:19,236
where they could literally like even with it for like a trip like oh you want to buy it like you

526
00:25:19,236 --> 00:25:23,796
can get like discount bulk airline tickets like how many people want to go to this place on this

527
00:25:23,796 --> 00:25:25,496
and, you know,

528
00:25:25,816 --> 00:25:27,496
we could buy a bunch of bulk airline tickets

529
00:25:27,496 --> 00:25:29,176
and give it to them at a discount.

530
00:25:30,056 --> 00:25:30,196
You know?

531
00:25:30,196 --> 00:25:30,436
Yeah.

532
00:25:31,296 --> 00:25:33,036
Is that what Groupon is?

533
00:25:43,196 --> 00:25:43,556
Gunshot.

534
00:25:47,816 --> 00:25:49,436
I was literally about to say

535
00:25:49,436 --> 00:25:50,956
the next thing Francis is going to invent

536
00:25:50,956 --> 00:25:52,496
is a gun to shoot himself with.

537
00:25:53,796 --> 00:25:57,116
let me see if they have one on momandata.com

538
00:25:57,116 --> 00:26:06,796
oh yeah i forgot about groupon i did do it till do you use it buy a bunch of tickets a book and

539
00:26:06,796 --> 00:26:11,596
then anyone like yeah it was like oh yeah groupon that's that's the thing that was the material thing

540
00:26:11,596 --> 00:26:17,676
that i was missing and the next thing i was about to invent was a flea market so were you

541
00:26:17,676 --> 00:26:21,916
gonna call it a flea market no i was just thinking like people could take all the stuff they want to

542
00:26:21,916 --> 00:26:24,756
sell instead of waiting for people to come to their house they could put it in another location

543
00:26:24,756 --> 00:26:30,036
someone could also could be there to stand there vendors and watch your stuff for you while you're

544
00:26:30,036 --> 00:26:33,716
not there and there's prices on it and i'm like oh i've been there it's called the brass armadillo

545
00:26:33,716 --> 00:26:39,636
and then on the weekend sometimes farmers can come and they can bring their wares

546
00:26:39,636 --> 00:26:45,456
into a parking lot of a church and uh they can sell them directly to the consumers

547
00:26:45,456 --> 00:26:55,156
hey well the good news is this is a great idea because provably it's a great idea

548
00:26:55,156 --> 00:27:03,156
and you tricked me at first because at first i was like yes why let's do this and then forgot that

549
00:27:03,156 --> 00:27:05,756
it had been done

550
00:27:05,756 --> 00:27:10,956
frances looks like he's descended into a dark night of the soul

551
00:27:10,956 --> 00:27:14,756
why am i here

552
00:27:14,756 --> 00:27:19,016
but because i made

553
00:27:19,016 --> 00:27:23,136
silver bells

554
00:27:23,136 --> 00:27:31,716
well that's okay uh we stopped my turkey slowly dying in the oven

555
00:27:31,716 --> 00:27:36,296
we get to enjoy that after this it's true there are some things to look forward to yeah

556
00:27:36,296 --> 00:27:38,636
He's taking off his pants now.

557
00:27:38,896 --> 00:27:39,416
Oh, good.

558
00:27:39,656 --> 00:27:40,856
It's getting warm in there.

559
00:27:42,756 --> 00:27:44,516
Socks are still on, oddly.

560
00:27:44,896 --> 00:27:45,996
He's embarrassed of his feet.

561
00:27:46,296 --> 00:27:46,696
I get that.

562
00:27:46,716 --> 00:27:47,496
I do, too.

563
00:27:48,416 --> 00:27:49,416
He's got weird.

564
00:27:49,916 --> 00:27:51,196
He's got weird little claws.

565
00:27:52,396 --> 00:27:52,756
All right.

566
00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:56,256
Well, congratulations on a truly great idea.

567
00:27:56,736 --> 00:27:57,176
Thanks.

568
00:27:58,096 --> 00:27:59,996
I'm sorry you're late to the market.

569
00:28:00,436 --> 00:28:01,276
That's okay.

570
00:28:02,276 --> 00:28:03,816
We learn most from our failures.

571
00:28:04,996 --> 00:28:05,696
That's true.

572
00:28:06,296 --> 00:28:09,116
But this, I still consider this a success.

573
00:28:09,656 --> 00:28:11,036
Maybe Jeff will take pity on me.

574
00:28:12,536 --> 00:28:13,476
Just send me a check.

575
00:28:14,036 --> 00:28:15,376
I'll take a pity check.

576
00:28:15,616 --> 00:28:15,956
Yeah.

577
00:28:16,236 --> 00:28:16,716
Why not?

578
00:28:16,796 --> 00:28:17,676
You can even put it in the memo.

579
00:28:18,416 --> 00:28:18,636
Yeah.

580
00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:20,416
For pitiful.

581
00:28:22,236 --> 00:28:24,796
I just hold my thumb over it as I'm handing it to them.

582
00:28:25,276 --> 00:28:28,596
But I want him to give you a giant novelty check.

583
00:28:28,696 --> 00:28:30,056
So it's real big.

584
00:28:30,236 --> 00:28:32,176
So that everybody sees it.

585
00:28:32,616 --> 00:28:34,776
You gotta like pop it sideways.

586
00:28:34,776 --> 00:28:36,936
in front of it. I'm going to the beach after this.

587
00:28:37,836 --> 00:28:38,756
Don't look at me.

588
00:28:41,156 --> 00:28:42,456
Alright, well, Jeff,

589
00:28:43,016 --> 00:28:44,996
we look forward to your check.

590
00:28:45,956 --> 00:28:46,996
Thank you for doing that,

591
00:28:47,036 --> 00:28:48,876
by the way. We really appreciate it. It means a lot.

592
00:28:49,036 --> 00:28:50,476
It keeps the invention idea going.

593
00:28:50,696 --> 00:28:52,996
And then we won't call you

594
00:28:52,996 --> 00:28:55,216
a weird snake or Dr. Evil anymore.

595
00:28:55,216 --> 00:28:56,236
You're a cool snake.

596
00:28:56,756 --> 00:28:58,816
With wonderful hair. Better than me.

597
00:28:58,816 --> 00:28:59,396
Dr. Benevolent, even.

598
00:28:59,836 --> 00:29:00,076
Yeah.

599
00:29:01,536 --> 00:29:02,656
Professor Benevolent.

600
00:29:04,776 --> 00:29:05,616
benevolent.

601
00:29:07,416 --> 00:29:08,016
Emeritus.

602
00:29:08,816 --> 00:29:09,836
Oh, yeah.

603
00:29:10,616 --> 00:29:12,516
Emeritus. That's a fun title.

604
00:29:13,236 --> 00:29:14,736
Yeah. You get to be

605
00:29:14,736 --> 00:29:16,456
Emeritus. Professor Emeritus.

606
00:29:16,836 --> 00:29:17,676
I don't know what that is.

607
00:29:18,676 --> 00:29:19,416
No one does.

608
00:29:20,796 --> 00:29:22,556
Too busy in the idea factory.

609
00:29:22,796 --> 00:29:24,616
Yeah, exactly. Ripping off

610
00:29:24,616 --> 00:29:25,796
other ideas, apparently.

611
00:29:27,976 --> 00:29:28,536
Well,

612
00:29:29,356 --> 00:29:30,496
that wraps up,

613
00:29:30,496 --> 00:29:32,036
I think, a successful

614
00:29:32,036 --> 00:29:33,296
Christmas

615
00:29:33,296 --> 00:29:35,236
invention of the week.

616
00:29:35,336 --> 00:29:36,116
Merry Christmas.

617
00:29:37,796 --> 00:29:39,476
It's time for our next segment,

618
00:29:40,616 --> 00:29:41,976
Parallel Christmas.

619
00:29:44,636 --> 00:29:47,756
You are now entering Parallel Christmas.

620
00:29:52,856 --> 00:29:54,616
Francis, would you like to explain this segment?

621
00:29:54,816 --> 00:29:55,456
Yes.

622
00:29:56,116 --> 00:29:56,476
Yes.

623
00:29:57,096 --> 00:29:59,616
Parallel Christmas is a very interesting segment

624
00:29:59,616 --> 00:30:03,716
wherein Jenna and I will improvise a new Christmas

625
00:30:03,716 --> 00:30:09,156
that's different than the Christmas you've come to love and enjoy.

626
00:30:09,556 --> 00:30:11,756
This ain't your datter's Christmas.

627
00:30:12,636 --> 00:30:14,056
Your datter's Christmas.

628
00:30:14,656 --> 00:30:16,316
Your datter's Christmas.

629
00:30:16,316 --> 00:30:17,556
Did you just lay that egg?

630
00:30:17,896 --> 00:30:18,676
That was good.

631
00:30:18,836 --> 00:30:18,956
Yeah.

632
00:30:19,716 --> 00:30:22,976
Anyway, yeah, so we'll be unveiling new Christmas traditions,

633
00:30:23,216 --> 00:30:24,196
tweaking old ones.

634
00:30:24,456 --> 00:30:29,156
Things will seem familiar and yet be horribly, terribly different.

635
00:30:29,156 --> 00:30:42,436
yeah okay Jenna Francis I I just made 24

636
00:30:42,436 --> 00:30:55,812
cookies for Santa I know he coming soon mm and I just ate them all and spit them up into a big vase just like he likes Good good And I brought in the cow so he could milk it

637
00:30:56,272 --> 00:30:57,232
For his fresh milk.

638
00:30:57,352 --> 00:30:58,232
For his fresh milk.

639
00:30:59,852 --> 00:31:01,492
Bessie, settle down.

640
00:31:03,932 --> 00:31:04,612
That's right.

641
00:31:04,892 --> 00:31:05,512
Santa's coming.

642
00:31:06,472 --> 00:31:11,532
You're going to feel those calluses on his thumbs, his milking thumbs.

643
00:31:13,352 --> 00:31:14,412
All right, Bessie.

644
00:31:14,612 --> 00:31:14,892
All right.

645
00:31:14,992 --> 00:31:15,712
Settle down.

646
00:31:15,992 --> 00:31:16,352
Oh, yeah.

647
00:31:16,372 --> 00:31:17,192
I'm just so excited.

648
00:31:18,812 --> 00:31:27,712
Since it's 2025, that means that Santa has to lose 2,025 pounds.

649
00:31:29,312 --> 00:31:30,852
Luckily, he has that to spare.

650
00:31:31,692 --> 00:31:32,072
I know.

651
00:31:32,192 --> 00:31:37,612
It's such a – it's nice that they only make him gain one extra pound a year.

652
00:31:38,132 --> 00:31:40,212
It makes it a more reasonable goal.

653
00:31:41,632 --> 00:31:44,692
This is like 2026 isn't going to be so daunting for him because he's like,

654
00:31:44,692 --> 00:31:48,432
Well, I just did 2025, so I'm going to do one more.

655
00:31:49,092 --> 00:31:51,012
I appreciate that about...

656
00:31:51,012 --> 00:31:52,252
Oh, is that what your parents told you?

657
00:31:52,472 --> 00:31:52,752
Us?

658
00:31:53,012 --> 00:31:53,792
Is that not?

659
00:31:54,352 --> 00:31:54,732
No.

660
00:31:54,872 --> 00:31:59,092
Immediately after the Christmas is over, it all comes back.

661
00:31:59,852 --> 00:32:00,332
No.

662
00:32:00,552 --> 00:32:01,352
So, yeah.

663
00:32:02,652 --> 00:32:04,512
It's the curse of Santa for him.

664
00:32:05,212 --> 00:32:05,992
Great for us.

665
00:32:07,032 --> 00:32:07,752
Well, yeah.

666
00:32:07,852 --> 00:32:09,452
We get joy out of it every...

667
00:32:09,452 --> 00:32:14,032
I mean, I feel bad for the people that were born in the year three.

668
00:32:14,692 --> 00:32:18,252
They had the skinny Santa.

669
00:32:18,712 --> 00:32:19,032
I know.

670
00:32:19,092 --> 00:32:19,492
Who wants that?

671
00:32:19,532 --> 00:32:20,012
That's scary.

672
00:32:20,152 --> 00:32:21,452
Skinny man coming down your chimney?

673
00:32:21,932 --> 00:32:23,232
Oh, it's the stuff of nightmares.

674
00:32:23,532 --> 00:32:23,832
Slenderman.

675
00:32:23,952 --> 00:32:26,192
That's where that Slenderman, that video game came from.

676
00:32:26,252 --> 00:32:27,172
It was actually Santa.

677
00:32:27,692 --> 00:32:28,132
Yeah.

678
00:32:28,252 --> 00:32:28,852
Early Santa.

679
00:32:29,032 --> 00:32:31,672
And he was in a black outfit because of the soot.

680
00:32:32,992 --> 00:32:34,172
Sooty, sooty Slenderman.

681
00:32:34,472 --> 00:32:38,132
Because people in the year three didn't, they didn't have chimney sweeps like we do.

682
00:32:38,292 --> 00:32:38,732
Thank God.

683
00:32:39,532 --> 00:32:42,772
Speaking of which, Bert, are you almost finished in the chimney?

684
00:32:43,492 --> 00:32:45,312
You almost finished sweeping the chimney?

685
00:32:45,492 --> 00:32:45,892
No!

686
00:32:46,692 --> 00:32:48,852
I'm open here for a while!

687
00:32:49,292 --> 00:32:50,252
Okay, Bert.

688
00:32:51,372 --> 00:32:53,312
You just holler when you're done.

689
00:32:54,312 --> 00:32:56,432
Oh, not done.

690
00:32:58,492 --> 00:32:59,932
Wow, my Bert died years ago.

691
00:33:00,452 --> 00:33:00,672
Yeah.

692
00:33:01,672 --> 00:33:07,672
No, my Bert's been around for 61 years.

693
00:33:07,812 --> 00:33:08,192
Wow.

694
00:33:08,432 --> 00:33:10,772
We must be excited for him to finally pass on

695
00:33:10,772 --> 00:33:16,972
because then he shrinks into an ornament as we all know i know speaking of which

696
00:33:16,972 --> 00:33:26,092
look at my life-size lebron james i've decorated him for the season

697
00:33:26,092 --> 00:33:35,492
oh wow i'm so behind oh wow i went to the i went to the the lot just a few weeks ago i picked out

698
00:33:35,492 --> 00:33:39,612
everyone picks out whatever basketball player they want to decorate every year

699
00:33:39,612 --> 00:33:40,892
or their mom

700
00:33:40,892 --> 00:33:43,552
or the basketball player's mom

701
00:33:43,552 --> 00:33:44,632
could be anyone in the bloodline

702
00:33:44,632 --> 00:33:47,352
just as long as

703
00:33:47,352 --> 00:33:49,752
there's a jumper in the family

704
00:33:49,752 --> 00:33:52,572
yeah I chose his niece

705
00:33:52,572 --> 00:33:54,992
oh that's sweet

706
00:33:54,992 --> 00:33:56,672
yeah because I don't have a lot of room

707
00:33:56,672 --> 00:34:00,032
so I could only get a short one

708
00:34:00,032 --> 00:34:01,872
it's kind of like a

709
00:34:01,872 --> 00:34:04,712
Charlie Brown's Christmas tree

710
00:34:04,712 --> 00:34:06,432
kind of thing picking the niece

711
00:34:06,432 --> 00:34:09,212
the little sad one that doesn't get chosen

712
00:34:09,212 --> 00:34:22,032
Yeah. Well, later tonight, if you're not busy, I thought that you could come with me and my family as we drive around and bludgeon carolers.

713
00:34:22,792 --> 00:34:29,912
Oh, I would love that. I have my bludgeoning stick all ready to go. And don't worry, I didn't clean off the blood from last year.

714
00:34:30,012 --> 00:34:31,072
Okay, you say that.

715
00:34:31,072 --> 00:34:33,012
No, I would never.

716
00:34:33,432 --> 00:34:38,432
It's, in fact, I, you can see, you could peel back all the blood layer by layer, year by year.

717
00:34:38,552 --> 00:34:40,392
You can see, like, see, look, look.

718
00:34:40,772 --> 00:34:40,992
Oh.

719
00:34:41,172 --> 00:34:41,852
Oh, 2019.

720
00:34:42,412 --> 00:34:42,892
Okay, you're right.

721
00:34:42,912 --> 00:34:43,812
That was a big year.

722
00:34:44,252 --> 00:34:46,132
Hold on, let me spray some aluminum on that.

723
00:34:47,652 --> 00:34:48,352
All right.

724
00:34:49,012 --> 00:34:49,852
All right, it's blood.

725
00:34:50,452 --> 00:34:51,492
You're a regular Dexter.

726
00:34:52,612 --> 00:34:56,812
Which reindeer are you going to kiss on the lips?

727
00:34:56,812 --> 00:35:07,612
I think this year I'm going to go with Jackson.

728
00:35:08,592 --> 00:35:09,792
Good choice.

729
00:35:10,032 --> 00:35:10,532
Thank you.

730
00:35:10,652 --> 00:35:14,592
He's got a Cupid's bow and a minty tongue.

731
00:35:15,132 --> 00:35:15,392
Yeah.

732
00:35:19,172 --> 00:35:20,892
Do you hear the geese?

733
00:35:21,632 --> 00:35:23,112
The Hanukkah geese.

734
00:35:23,452 --> 00:35:23,752
Yes.

735
00:35:26,812 --> 00:35:29,572
Great choice.

736
00:35:30,072 --> 00:35:32,192
I've decided to kiss them all.

737
00:35:32,772 --> 00:35:33,192
Ooh.

738
00:35:33,732 --> 00:35:35,472
You're doing the round robin.

739
00:35:35,952 --> 00:35:36,172
Yes.

740
00:35:36,212 --> 00:35:37,472
The reindeer round robin.

741
00:35:37,592 --> 00:35:38,432
The reindeer round robin.

742
00:35:38,492 --> 00:35:42,732
I'm starting with Jackson, and then I'm going to work my way all the way around to Hoofer.

743
00:35:45,012 --> 00:35:47,472
Can you name all the reindeer?

744
00:35:48,192 --> 00:35:48,752
Jackson.

745
00:35:49,952 --> 00:35:50,492
Sangria.

746
00:35:52,992 --> 00:35:53,552
Tyler.

747
00:35:54,172 --> 00:35:54,892
Yep, Tyler.

748
00:35:54,892 --> 00:35:58,052
Bridge over troubled water.

749
00:35:59,712 --> 00:36:00,552
Moose.

750
00:36:02,212 --> 00:36:03,092
Macaulay.

751
00:36:04,312 --> 00:36:04,752
And.

752
00:36:05,612 --> 00:36:06,072
Culkin.

753
00:36:07,292 --> 00:36:08,392
And Hofer.

754
00:36:08,952 --> 00:36:09,372
And Hofer.

755
00:36:09,732 --> 00:36:09,852
Yeah.

756
00:36:10,232 --> 00:36:11,012
They're Tiamese.

757
00:36:11,772 --> 00:36:12,552
Macaulay and Hofer.

758
00:36:12,752 --> 00:36:15,672
We can't forget the most famous rain dealer of all.

759
00:36:17,012 --> 00:36:17,572
The one that saved.

760
00:36:17,572 --> 00:36:18,272
Rui Giuliani.

761
00:36:18,552 --> 00:36:18,832
Yep.

762
00:36:19,672 --> 00:36:20,832
He saved Christmas.

763
00:36:21,192 --> 00:36:21,352
Yeah.

764
00:36:23,092 --> 00:36:24,032
Thank you.

765
00:36:24,032 --> 00:36:26,592
Oh, we should do the prayer.

766
00:36:27,992 --> 00:36:29,732
I'll do the background music while you pray.

767
00:36:34,652 --> 00:36:37,072
Rudy the Giuliani.

768
00:36:37,072 --> 00:36:43,552
You saved Christmas lots of times.

769
00:36:47,132 --> 00:36:53,632
We wouldn't even be here if you didn't.

770
00:36:54,032 --> 00:37:00,832
If you didn't eat fair fine foods, foods, foods, foods.

771
00:37:01,232 --> 00:37:04,252
Then one foggy Christmas Eve.

772
00:37:04,252 --> 00:37:05,492
Santa lost a toe.

773
00:37:06,932 --> 00:37:13,632
Santa came to say, Santa's on his way.

774
00:37:14,372 --> 00:37:17,432
Julie with your auntie so tight.

775
00:37:17,872 --> 00:37:23,312
Won't you please Santa tonight with your work that you've done?

776
00:37:24,032 --> 00:37:28,052
all of the other lawyers

777
00:37:28,052 --> 00:37:28,992
lawyers

778
00:37:28,992 --> 00:37:32,692
couldn't even believe it

779
00:37:32,692 --> 00:37:33,512
it happened

780
00:37:33,512 --> 00:37:34,812
I don't believe

781
00:37:34,812 --> 00:37:37,852
and now

782
00:37:37,852 --> 00:37:41,152
Christmas is saved

783
00:37:41,152 --> 00:37:43,392
and I lost the meter

784
00:37:43,392 --> 00:37:44,432
to the song

785
00:37:44,432 --> 00:37:46,512
that was beautiful

786
00:37:46,512 --> 00:37:51,452
yeah a lot of people

787
00:37:51,452 --> 00:37:52,492
don't like that one

788
00:37:52,492 --> 00:37:53,432
which is weird

789
00:37:53,592 --> 00:37:53,792
Yeah.

790
00:37:54,072 --> 00:37:55,052
It's a classic.

791
00:37:57,552 --> 00:37:58,552
It is a classic.

792
00:37:59,712 --> 00:38:06,132
I don't feel like I have gotten into the Christmas spirit until I am in the grocery store and I hear it for the first time.

793
00:38:06,132 --> 00:38:08,932
And then it's like, oh, it hits, you know?

794
00:38:09,332 --> 00:38:09,612
Yeah.

795
00:38:09,612 --> 00:38:18,092
I don't feel like I get into the Christmas spirit until I'm in the grocery store and one of the employees is ceremonially fired.

796
00:38:18,772 --> 00:38:19,212
Oh.

797
00:38:20,672 --> 00:38:21,852
We wait for that.

798
00:38:21,852 --> 00:38:27,552
The annual firing of the Deborah, which they're not always named Deborah, but Deborah was the first, obviously.

799
00:38:28,732 --> 00:38:29,292
Yeah.

800
00:38:30,332 --> 00:38:40,832
She refused to help a poor widow find stuffing.

801
00:38:41,552 --> 00:38:49,572
And that widow was the wife of the cousin of the neighbor of the Virgin Mary.

802
00:38:49,572 --> 00:38:50,152
Yep.

803
00:38:50,152 --> 00:38:56,512
and uh so yeah but she and she was like i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

804
00:38:56,512 --> 00:39:04,352
and she just kept saying that and the manager was like sorry i'm sorry yeah you gotta go

805
00:39:04,352 --> 00:39:11,632
the wife of the cousin of the neighbor of the virgin mary was like the only way you could make

806
00:39:11,632 --> 00:39:20,612
this right is to fire that woman and then so she walked out into the snow and fell into it

807
00:39:20,612 --> 00:39:27,192
and rolled into it and she had a weird body yep and so when the snow covered her she looked like

808
00:39:27,192 --> 00:39:33,392
a snowman yep which is why we call it snow deborahs yeah that's why every year children

809
00:39:33,392 --> 00:39:41,472
make snow deborahs yeah so she she's still around yeah and sometimes if the children are cheeky

810
00:39:41,472 --> 00:39:49,312
they put two little carrots where her nipples would be little little carrots well if they're

811
00:39:49,312 --> 00:39:57,172
really cheeky they'll put long the original deborah did have long nipples yeah there's a whole

812
00:39:57,172 --> 00:40:02,592
theory about this is like maybe that's the reason yes that they were distracting and then the

813
00:40:02,592 --> 00:40:07,852
stuffing incident was just a look she couldn't help it and it wasn't her i feel like it was the

814
00:40:07,852 --> 00:40:15,732
manager's fault for putting her in the frozen food aisle honestly yeah you can't fold them

815
00:40:15,732 --> 00:40:22,732
in the in that aisle no they're unfoldable no no it's it's like a

816
00:40:23,392 --> 00:40:30,652
thermometer in a turkey or whatever yeah a little button that pops it's so poor deborah

817
00:40:30,652 --> 00:40:32,532
Poor, poor Debra.

818
00:40:32,692 --> 00:40:36,192
But she lives on in lore and tradition.

819
00:40:37,532 --> 00:40:46,512
Yeah, speaking of tradition, I walked in the nude to the post office.

820
00:40:46,812 --> 00:40:47,052
Good.

821
00:40:47,852 --> 00:40:49,232
I thought that was you.

822
00:40:50,252 --> 00:40:50,572
Yeah.

823
00:40:50,572 --> 00:40:51,612
Yeah, I did it.

824
00:40:51,672 --> 00:40:52,932
I just wanted to get it out of the way.

825
00:40:53,312 --> 00:40:53,692
I know.

826
00:40:54,132 --> 00:40:55,192
Can I be honest with you?

827
00:40:55,252 --> 00:40:56,092
I haven't done it yet.

828
00:40:57,092 --> 00:40:57,752
I don't know what I'm going to...

829
00:40:57,752 --> 00:40:58,312
We should have done it together.

830
00:40:58,432 --> 00:40:58,792
I know.

831
00:40:58,932 --> 00:40:59,292
I know.

832
00:40:59,292 --> 00:41:01,132
I've been putting it off

833
00:41:01,132 --> 00:41:02,132
and I know I need to do it

834
00:41:02,132 --> 00:41:03,072
before the end of

835
00:41:03,072 --> 00:41:04,292
December 26th

836
00:41:04,292 --> 00:41:04,572
otherwise

837
00:41:04,572 --> 00:41:05,952
you better do it before

838
00:41:05,952 --> 00:41:07,292
before Christmas even

839
00:41:07,292 --> 00:41:08,312
because I tell you what

840
00:41:08,312 --> 00:41:08,992
we open our gifts

841
00:41:08,992 --> 00:41:10,812
you're too tired

842
00:41:10,812 --> 00:41:11,252
to get naked

843
00:41:11,252 --> 00:41:11,752
I know

844
00:41:11,752 --> 00:41:12,952
every year

845
00:41:12,952 --> 00:41:14,512
well it doesn't help

846
00:41:14,512 --> 00:41:15,292
that you always buy me

847
00:41:15,292 --> 00:41:15,972
something cozy

848
00:41:15,972 --> 00:41:17,372
right I'm in this

849
00:41:17,372 --> 00:41:18,232
I don't want to take it off

850
00:41:18,232 --> 00:41:18,672
I know

851
00:41:18,672 --> 00:41:21,372
and our arms

852
00:41:21,372 --> 00:41:23,092
famously shrink

853
00:41:23,092 --> 00:41:23,652
on Christmas

854
00:41:23,652 --> 00:41:24,572
it's like I can't even

855
00:41:24,572 --> 00:41:25,052
get to the bottom

856
00:41:25,052 --> 00:41:25,652
of my sweater

857
00:41:25,652 --> 00:41:26,272
I know

858
00:41:26,272 --> 00:41:27,572
and

859
00:41:27,572 --> 00:41:29,212
nobody wants to

860
00:41:29,212 --> 00:41:30,992
walk around with shrunken arms.

861
00:41:31,632 --> 00:41:33,472
So I really should. I should get on it.

862
00:41:33,552 --> 00:41:35,312
I'll get on it. You really should.

863
00:41:35,632 --> 00:41:37,512
I'll do it right now.

864
00:41:37,772 --> 00:41:38,072
Okay.

865
00:41:38,792 --> 00:41:41,712
You look great.

866
00:41:42,052 --> 00:41:43,712
Oh, thank you. Merry Christmas.

867
00:41:44,132 --> 00:41:45,272
Oh, thank you.

868
00:41:46,872 --> 00:41:47,652
Well, don't

869
00:41:47,652 --> 00:41:49,672
go yet. Just stay naked, I guess, because I still

870
00:41:49,672 --> 00:41:51,592
want to talk about Christmas. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

871
00:41:51,592 --> 00:41:52,952
I'll just sit here on this

872
00:41:52,952 --> 00:41:54,132
metal seat.

873
00:41:56,872 --> 00:41:57,712
Fully nude.

874
00:41:57,992 --> 00:41:59,172
Of course. Of course.

875
00:41:59,212 --> 00:42:08,452
okay um well i can i confess something to you please every year on christmas christmas is the

876
00:42:08,452 --> 00:42:15,052
time of confession christmas yes every year on christmas i um i kind of do a little dirty

877
00:42:15,052 --> 00:42:22,792
secret little thing oh i know it's like crazy um and i want to get it off my chest so i just want

878
00:42:22,792 --> 00:42:27,912
to tell someone it'll be you i already got everything off my chest so yes it's a naked

879
00:42:27,912 --> 00:42:29,252
secret between us.

880
00:42:29,952 --> 00:42:31,852
Every year on Christmas, I go

881
00:42:31,852 --> 00:42:34,012
downstairs and I

882
00:42:34,012 --> 00:42:36,092
turn off

883
00:42:36,092 --> 00:42:37,572
the carbon monoxide detectors.

884
00:42:38,092 --> 00:42:39,692
Yeah. And

885
00:42:39,692 --> 00:42:41,952
I back the car into the living room.

886
00:42:42,532 --> 00:42:43,032
Oh.

887
00:42:44,312 --> 00:42:46,052
I open the window, obviously.

888
00:42:46,932 --> 00:42:47,292
And

889
00:42:47,292 --> 00:42:49,112
I turn it on.

890
00:42:50,232 --> 00:42:51,952
And I just want to see if Santa will

891
00:42:51,952 --> 00:42:52,592
turn it off.

892
00:42:53,932 --> 00:42:55,652
Does he? Yeah.

893
00:42:56,652 --> 00:42:57,792
Oh. Yeah.

894
00:42:57,912 --> 00:42:59,992
Santa loves to save the day

895
00:42:59,992 --> 00:43:01,992
he's a fireman when he's not working

896
00:43:01,992 --> 00:43:03,132
or hibernating

897
00:43:03,132 --> 00:43:04,212
that's how he loses the weight

898
00:43:04,212 --> 00:43:07,272
he's got that fit fireman bot

899
00:43:07,272 --> 00:43:08,452
yeah is that weird?

900
00:43:09,472 --> 00:43:10,912
no I think that's beautiful

901
00:43:10,912 --> 00:43:13,272
I don't

902
00:43:13,272 --> 00:43:16,792
I don't think that's weird at all

903
00:43:16,792 --> 00:43:17,212
can I?

904
00:43:18,152 --> 00:43:19,572
have you ever like

905
00:43:19,572 --> 00:43:21,932
just like

906
00:43:21,932 --> 00:43:23,952
tried to watch it happen

907
00:43:23,952 --> 00:43:26,492
like you got your hands

908
00:43:26,492 --> 00:43:32,352
the little bars like are the little things on the stairs and you're peeking through you're trying to

909
00:43:32,352 --> 00:43:40,452
be like a little spectator for santa and like like is he gonna turn it off i think every year i try

910
00:43:40,452 --> 00:43:47,012
and find santa and i fall asleep and then i wake up on the stairs with little line imprints on your

911
00:43:47,012 --> 00:43:53,272
and the fire that i've said i've set the couch on fire but it's out because santa did that and

912
00:43:53,272 --> 00:44:00,372
all is forgiven on christmas yeah oh yeah no you can't get in trouble for arson no carbon monoxide

913
00:44:00,372 --> 00:44:07,252
buying your mom's jewelry putting cats and trees taking them out of trees different ones yeah

914
00:44:07,252 --> 00:44:13,792
yeah it's all forgiven on christmas yeah santa also is going to take me with him this year i

915
00:44:13,792 --> 00:44:21,472
was nominated as the good boy oh really yeah oh i was a semi-finalist once oh you should have won

916
00:44:21,472 --> 00:44:26,632
thank you you were i came i felt like i came like really close but not close and like it was like

917
00:44:26,632 --> 00:44:33,552
close enough to be really excited but you uh you how close are you did you i won you were robed by

918
00:44:33,552 --> 00:44:43,052
the way thank you yeah i was robed yeah you should have got that one oh so that's i can't believe i'm

919
00:44:43,052 --> 00:44:49,192
2025 good boy of the year i know i get to go in the sack and pull out the gift

920
00:44:49,192 --> 00:44:58,732
you're the sack boy i am him he is i and then afterward he takes me to waffle house

921
00:44:58,732 --> 00:45:05,772
in hoboken oh new jersey's beautiful yeah and he stands outside and beats up

922
00:45:05,772 --> 00:45:09,172
people who want to hurt me while i eat whatever i want

923
00:45:09,172 --> 00:45:20,952
well i don't know about you francis but i've had a wonderful parallel christmas

924
00:45:20,952 --> 00:45:28,612
me too good luck jogging with everything oh you mean naked to the post office yeah

925
00:45:28,612 --> 00:45:33,052
the new jaunt every year you gotta do it

926
00:45:33,052 --> 00:45:36,792
but Santa's got a gun.

927
00:45:39,652 --> 00:45:42,972
What did the reindeer do?

928
00:45:45,312 --> 00:45:48,892
I ran away from...

929
00:45:48,892 --> 00:45:51,332
Thank you.

930
00:45:51,512 --> 00:45:52,232
All right, well.

931
00:45:52,392 --> 00:45:53,172
Merry Christmas, Jenna.

932
00:45:53,652 --> 00:45:55,272
Merry parallel Christmas, Francis.

933
00:45:56,012 --> 00:45:59,712
Thank you, and have a happy parallel new year.

934
00:46:01,652 --> 00:46:02,212
Okay.

935
00:46:02,212 --> 00:46:03,652
huge success

936
00:46:03,652 --> 00:46:06,112
I wish that was the real one

937
00:46:06,112 --> 00:46:07,972
it is the real one

938
00:46:07,972 --> 00:46:09,232
okay

939
00:46:09,232 --> 00:46:21,348
yeah I naked look out post office Here I come Me too Nice Thanks Well after this we jaunt

940
00:46:21,488 --> 00:46:24,448
But first, the big question.

941
00:46:25,728 --> 00:46:28,268
The question is very big.

942
00:46:29,288 --> 00:46:30,708
You want to hear a big question?

943
00:46:30,828 --> 00:46:31,628
I do, please.

944
00:46:31,708 --> 00:46:32,668
It's Christmas related.

945
00:46:32,888 --> 00:46:33,148
Yay!

946
00:46:34,348 --> 00:46:38,848
Let's pretend there's a child and the child is yours.

947
00:46:39,428 --> 00:46:39,868
Okay.

948
00:46:39,988 --> 00:46:40,788
Okay, you have a chat.

949
00:46:41,028 --> 00:46:41,368
All right.

950
00:46:43,528 --> 00:46:51,028
Your child is so sweet and is like in love with the magic of Christmas.

951
00:46:51,948 --> 00:46:52,948
A true believer.

952
00:46:53,268 --> 00:46:53,428
Yeah.

953
00:46:54,808 --> 00:47:00,168
A kid from school spoils the truth of Christmas.

954
00:47:00,468 --> 00:47:00,868
Okay.

955
00:47:01,128 --> 00:47:02,028
Whatever that might be.

956
00:47:03,528 --> 00:47:07,488
How do you exact your revenge on this older kid?

957
00:47:08,488 --> 00:47:09,648
Ah, okay.

958
00:47:09,988 --> 00:47:11,488
All right.

959
00:47:16,488 --> 00:47:25,188
First, I befriend the child.

960
00:47:25,428 --> 00:47:27,608
Like, not in a weird way, not a creepy way.

961
00:47:28,428 --> 00:47:34,068
Like, in a way, like, because this kid, he's from a troubled home, I'm assuming.

962
00:47:35,068 --> 00:47:35,968
I mean, he is.

963
00:47:36,328 --> 00:47:36,808
I know he is.

964
00:47:37,028 --> 00:47:39,028
Bullies don't just bully for fun.

965
00:47:39,028 --> 00:47:46,468
right exactly so he's a little shitty little latchkey kid and um

966
00:47:46,468 --> 00:47:50,908
so i basically like

967
00:47:50,908 --> 00:47:58,348
i i kind of like met let it be like i convinced my child my sweet sweet child like hey

968
00:47:58,348 --> 00:48:05,448
we got to do the right thing here he's just a bully to be a bully like because he's hurting

969
00:48:05,448 --> 00:48:11,488
in his real life, right? So it's like, let's teach him the nice ways. Let's make him sweet like you.

970
00:48:11,548 --> 00:48:14,628
And my kid's so sweet. He just wants like everyone in the world to be sweet, right?

971
00:48:15,448 --> 00:48:24,728
So I bring this kid. His name is Darren. And Darren, I'm like, Darren,

972
00:48:25,448 --> 00:48:32,188
you can come over. You can hang out at our house after school. I'll help you with your homework.

973
00:48:32,188 --> 00:48:35,048
And then whenever your parents get home, that way you're not home by yourself.

974
00:48:35,568 --> 00:48:39,228
You know, I know it's tough to be like a nine-year-old home by yourself.

975
00:48:39,908 --> 00:48:43,468
So then Darren at first is like, whatever, I don't need that.

976
00:48:44,108 --> 00:48:46,648
Whatever, Mrs. Groban, I don't need that.

977
00:48:47,648 --> 00:48:52,928
And then, but then eventually he kind of likes like coming home to a nice house and having a snack.

978
00:48:53,828 --> 00:48:58,648
And, and doing his homework and I'm helping him.

979
00:48:59,308 --> 00:48:59,748
Right.

980
00:48:59,748 --> 00:49:03,328
And so then he starts to actually like be a nicer kid.

981
00:49:04,608 --> 00:49:16,128
And so he's becoming like kind of a good, sweet kid and he's evolving and he's like learning to like love family and stuff.

982
00:49:18,868 --> 00:49:19,348
Okay.

983
00:49:20,188 --> 00:49:27,448
So then it's like even so much so that like, like, so this is like now this is like all the second semester of school.

984
00:49:27,448 --> 00:49:30,508
And like, he's, he's really grown attached.

985
00:49:30,548 --> 00:49:33,028
He's like, he's feels like he's a member of our family now.

986
00:49:33,988 --> 00:49:40,628
And like, even during the summertime, we have, we go camping every weekend or not every weekend,

987
00:49:40,628 --> 00:49:43,968
but we go camping every summer, like one weekend, you know, when it gets really hot.

988
00:49:44,088 --> 00:49:47,768
And then we go up North and camp and they're like, Darren, if you want to come camping with us,

989
00:49:47,788 --> 00:49:48,988
you can come camping with us.

990
00:49:49,288 --> 00:49:50,448
And he loves it.

991
00:49:50,628 --> 00:49:54,168
And he, and this becomes like a tradition.

992
00:49:54,288 --> 00:49:56,568
So Darren is now like almost a part of our family.

993
00:49:56,568 --> 00:49:56,828
Right.

994
00:49:56,828 --> 00:49:58,588
And he finally feels loved.

995
00:49:58,748 --> 00:49:59,668
He feels accepted.

996
00:50:00,048 --> 00:50:01,808
He's doing really well in school.

997
00:50:06,188 --> 00:50:09,428
He's making friends like real friends.

998
00:50:09,548 --> 00:50:10,848
He's not bullying anymore.

999
00:50:12,368 --> 00:50:18,948
And then one Christmas Eve, three years later,

1000
00:50:19,548 --> 00:50:24,848
I invite Darren to spend the night at our house and do Christmas with us.

1001
00:50:24,848 --> 00:50:32,388
and then um and the next morning when their kids are at the top of the stairs

1002
00:50:32,388 --> 00:50:38,608
i i kind of like say look down there look at all the presents and there's presents piled up

1003
00:50:38,608 --> 00:50:48,028
so so high right and and so and then they're like so excited they're like oh thank you so much

1004
00:50:48,248 --> 00:50:48,608
Thanks.

1005
00:50:48,948 --> 00:50:49,668
Thanks, Mom.

1006
00:50:49,708 --> 00:50:50,648
He calls me Mom now.

1007
00:50:51,308 --> 00:50:51,708
Yeah.

1008
00:50:53,068 --> 00:50:55,228
And then I was like, you want those presents, Darren?

1009
00:50:56,128 --> 00:50:59,488
And he's like, yeah, thank you so much for including me in your family.

1010
00:51:01,828 --> 00:51:04,148
And then I slice his Achilles tendon.

1011
00:51:06,048 --> 00:51:07,108
His Achilles tendon.

1012
00:51:09,088 --> 00:51:11,748
I was like, good luck getting down the stairs now, bitch.

1013
00:51:12,708 --> 00:51:15,528
Is Christmas ruined for you like you ruined it for my kid?

1014
00:51:15,528 --> 00:51:24,808
and then yeah then he really feels the pain of a ruined christmas and a ruined heel yeah that too

1015
00:51:24,808 --> 00:51:32,608
you forgot to mention that he was getting a a runner scholarship yeah oh yeah you helped him

1016
00:51:32,608 --> 00:51:37,968
with that i will yeah the right young age of 10 yeah yeah he was already that good i know he was

1017
00:51:37,968 --> 00:51:45,328
being scouted yeah by runners university are you yeah are you no you're not

1018
00:51:45,328 --> 00:51:48,188
I think that would be effective

1019
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:50,768
yeah I think that would be a lesson

1020
00:51:50,768 --> 00:51:52,448
that he learns and then while he's

1021
00:51:52,448 --> 00:51:54,948
lying there at the top of the stairs

1022
00:51:54,948 --> 00:51:56,488
in just absolute agony

1023
00:51:56,488 --> 00:51:58,728
because I think that's supposed to be one of the most painful things

1024
00:51:58,728 --> 00:51:59,508
that can happen to you

1025
00:51:59,508 --> 00:52:02,408
the tear in your atelier's contendent

1026
00:52:02,408 --> 00:52:03,908
I push him down the stairs and

1027
00:52:03,908 --> 00:52:07,308
you're closer to the presence now

1028
00:52:07,308 --> 00:52:08,388
here's a boost

1029
00:52:08,388 --> 00:52:10,808
oh I'm sorry let me help you

1030
00:52:10,808 --> 00:52:14,128
anyway that's how I would do it

1031
00:52:14,128 --> 00:52:14,608
that's good

1032
00:52:14,608 --> 00:52:15,948
that's effective.

1033
00:52:16,268 --> 00:52:16,688
Thank you.

1034
00:52:16,808 --> 00:52:17,368
How would you do it?

1035
00:52:17,528 --> 00:52:18,568
Yeah, how would you do it?

1036
00:52:20,168 --> 00:52:21,228
I would, um...

1037
00:52:21,228 --> 00:52:21,968
How would you exact

1038
00:52:21,968 --> 00:52:23,128
your revenge on Darren?

1039
00:52:23,528 --> 00:52:24,408
Let me tell you what I'd do.

1040
00:52:25,848 --> 00:52:29,688
I would find Darren's father,

1041
00:52:29,848 --> 00:52:30,868
who's probably the source

1042
00:52:30,868 --> 00:52:32,208
of his bulliness.

1043
00:52:32,728 --> 00:52:33,608
Kill the dad.

1044
00:52:34,068 --> 00:52:34,328
Sure.

1045
00:52:35,908 --> 00:52:36,728
Hide the body.

1046
00:52:37,628 --> 00:52:39,128
I would make it,

1047
00:52:39,248 --> 00:52:39,988
over the next year,

1048
00:52:39,988 --> 00:52:41,328
I would help it,

1049
00:52:41,588 --> 00:52:42,908
like all the meat and stuff

1050
00:52:42,908 --> 00:52:43,928
come off.

1051
00:52:43,928 --> 00:52:45,288
like a slow brisket.

1052
00:52:45,948 --> 00:52:47,888
Oh, you're cooking the body.

1053
00:52:47,948 --> 00:52:48,648
I want the bones.

1054
00:52:48,928 --> 00:52:49,208
Okay.

1055
00:52:49,448 --> 00:52:50,728
So I need the meat off.

1056
00:52:52,908 --> 00:52:54,708
You're just so efficient.

1057
00:52:54,948 --> 00:52:59,068
You don't want to waste any part of the Darren's dad.

1058
00:52:59,168 --> 00:52:59,848
Right, of course.

1059
00:52:59,968 --> 00:53:01,148
You use the whole Darren's dad.

1060
00:53:01,148 --> 00:53:03,068
Yeah, Darren is being Darren's dad.

1061
00:53:03,308 --> 00:53:03,988
Darren Sr.

1062
00:53:04,408 --> 00:53:04,628
Yep.

1063
00:53:04,888 --> 00:53:05,548
He's sad.

1064
00:53:05,748 --> 00:53:07,068
Anyway, he's soup.

1065
00:53:07,768 --> 00:53:07,988
Okay.

1066
00:53:08,248 --> 00:53:09,568
And I've got his bones

1067
00:53:09,568 --> 00:53:12,508
and I glue them fastidiously together.

1068
00:53:12,508 --> 00:53:17,348
and into the shape of a human.

1069
00:53:17,628 --> 00:53:19,128
So everything's the way it's supposed to be.

1070
00:53:19,648 --> 00:53:21,628
And this whole time I'm writing Darren letters.

1071
00:53:23,528 --> 00:53:24,408
I write,

1072
00:53:25,248 --> 00:53:25,868
Dear Darren,

1073
00:53:26,788 --> 00:53:27,708
It's Santa.

1074
00:53:29,908 --> 00:53:32,948
I hear you've been talking bad about me

1075
00:53:32,948 --> 00:53:34,648
that I'm not a thing.

1076
00:53:35,308 --> 00:53:36,128
I'm a thing.

1077
00:53:36,788 --> 00:53:38,028
I need you to believe.

1078
00:53:38,028 --> 00:53:39,588
If you don't believe, I'll die.

1079
00:53:40,468 --> 00:53:41,588
If you don't believe, I'll die.

1080
00:53:41,868 --> 00:53:42,628
He wrote it twice.

1081
00:53:42,908 --> 00:53:44,448
And at the very bottom, a tiny, tiny print.

1082
00:53:44,768 --> 00:53:45,768
If you don't believe, I'll die.

1083
00:53:47,008 --> 00:53:49,548
And Darren's like, this is dumb.

1084
00:53:49,988 --> 00:53:54,188
I keep sending these letters all year while I'm gluing his dad back together.

1085
00:53:55,768 --> 00:53:57,748
Christmas Eve, he gets one last letter.

1086
00:53:58,128 --> 00:54:00,708
Darren, the world is counting on you.

1087
00:54:00,748 --> 00:54:01,648
I need you to believe.

1088
00:54:03,648 --> 00:54:04,928
If you don't believe, I'll die.

1089
00:54:06,328 --> 00:54:08,928
Has Darren at any point in time wondered where his dad is?

1090
00:54:08,928 --> 00:54:11,768
yeah that's one of the reasons he's not responding to these letters

1091
00:54:11,768 --> 00:54:12,168
okay

1092
00:54:12,168 --> 00:54:14,388
there is a p.o. box

1093
00:54:14,388 --> 00:54:16,828
like yeah

1094
00:54:16,828 --> 00:54:18,928
he's not that upset because his dad was mean obviously

1095
00:54:18,928 --> 00:54:21,068
that's why I also me a good person

1096
00:54:21,068 --> 00:54:23,288
did not feel bad about what I've done

1097
00:54:23,288 --> 00:54:23,908
right

1098
00:54:23,908 --> 00:54:25,928
anyway

1099
00:54:25,928 --> 00:54:28,208
Darren goes to sleep

1100
00:54:28,208 --> 00:54:30,548
I put the bones in a Santa outfit

1101
00:54:30,548 --> 00:54:33,568
and I drop him down Darren's chimney

1102
00:54:33,568 --> 00:54:39,408
and then when he wakes up

1103
00:54:39,408 --> 00:54:41,628
he finds it

1104
00:54:41,628 --> 00:54:42,108
and in

1105
00:54:42,108 --> 00:54:42,988
the

1106
00:54:42,988 --> 00:54:44,788
skeletal hand of his father

1107
00:54:44,788 --> 00:54:45,388
which he doesn't know

1108
00:54:45,388 --> 00:54:45,808
is his father

1109
00:54:45,808 --> 00:54:46,468
he thinks it's Santa

1110
00:54:46,468 --> 00:54:47,448
there's a

1111
00:54:47,448 --> 00:54:48,668
present

1112
00:54:48,668 --> 00:54:51,228
and when he opens it

1113
00:54:51,228 --> 00:54:51,788
it says

1114
00:54:51,788 --> 00:54:53,348
dear Darren

1115
00:54:53,348 --> 00:54:56,408
you deserve the world

1116
00:54:56,408 --> 00:54:57,528
P.S.

1117
00:54:57,568 --> 00:54:58,708
you're getting kind of thin

1118
00:54:58,708 --> 00:54:59,868
eat up

1119
00:54:59,868 --> 00:55:01,968
and it's condensed soup

1120
00:55:01,968 --> 00:55:03,248
oh

1121
00:55:04,228 --> 00:55:05,328
And the soup is the father.

1122
00:55:09,328 --> 00:55:13,388
Oh, wow.

1123
00:55:15,088 --> 00:55:16,788
But he doesn't know he's eating his father.

1124
00:55:17,008 --> 00:55:19,568
So he just thinks dead Santa gave him some soup.

1125
00:55:19,928 --> 00:55:27,648
There's a email that's scheduled to go out six months later.

1126
00:55:27,928 --> 00:55:28,928
Maybe even a year.

1127
00:55:30,148 --> 00:55:31,828
So we want to make sure he gets all the soup.

1128
00:55:31,828 --> 00:55:33,748
Yeah, he's fully digested all of the soup.

1129
00:55:33,748 --> 00:55:33,928
Yeah.

1130
00:55:34,248 --> 00:55:36,188
And then the letter just says, you ate your dad.

1131
00:55:39,068 --> 00:55:39,768
And that's it.

1132
00:55:39,908 --> 00:55:43,348
Does it have pictures of you making the soup, like the process along the way?

1133
00:55:43,448 --> 00:55:44,668
No, I want to keep being free.

1134
00:55:45,228 --> 00:55:45,468
Oh.

1135
00:55:45,748 --> 00:55:45,948
Oh.

1136
00:55:46,068 --> 00:55:46,948
Yeah, there's no explanation.

1137
00:55:47,068 --> 00:55:48,328
It's just the letter that says, you ate your dad.

1138
00:55:49,448 --> 00:55:49,708
Oh.

1139
00:55:50,308 --> 00:55:51,668
Because they're going to test the bones.

1140
00:55:52,708 --> 00:55:55,328
Be like, you know, assuming he calls for help.

1141
00:55:56,288 --> 00:55:57,828
And they're going to be like, hey, this is your dad.

1142
00:55:57,828 --> 00:56:00,468
Well, what if they, oh, they will say?

1143
00:56:01,188 --> 00:56:03,948
Well, yeah, they're going to do a DNA test and be like, Darren, this is your dad.

1144
00:56:04,428 --> 00:56:05,708
And he'd be like, my dad is Santa?

1145
00:56:05,908 --> 00:56:07,388
Yeah, just layers on layers on layers.

1146
00:56:07,788 --> 00:56:08,108
Oh.

1147
00:56:09,868 --> 00:56:11,328
And then he ate Santa.

1148
00:56:11,748 --> 00:56:12,008
Yeah.

1149
00:56:14,208 --> 00:56:15,088
What kind of soup?

1150
00:56:15,548 --> 00:56:16,468
It's called soup data.

1151
00:56:20,468 --> 00:56:20,868
Okay.

1152
00:56:20,868 --> 00:56:21,088
Okay.

1153
00:56:21,588 --> 00:56:24,948
Well, I think we've thoroughly answered the big question.

1154
00:56:25,128 --> 00:56:25,748
The big question.

1155
00:56:26,208 --> 00:56:28,148
Look out, Darren, you piece of shit.

1156
00:56:28,468 --> 00:56:28,948
Yeah.

1157
00:56:29,688 --> 00:56:30,268
Be nice.

1158
00:56:30,468 --> 00:56:30,948
Darren.

1159
00:56:31,448 --> 00:56:33,888
This is Santa's Dixie.

1160
00:56:36,528 --> 00:56:43,568
Well, we only have one final thing to do on the podcast.

1161
00:56:44,728 --> 00:56:45,428
Yep.

1162
00:56:46,308 --> 00:56:49,068
And that is to guess.

1163
00:56:50,488 --> 00:56:51,808
I don't know what I was doing.

1164
00:56:53,608 --> 00:56:56,448
Francis wound up for something, but then didn't follow.

1165
00:56:56,448 --> 00:56:58,528
I was going to scream the big question, but we're beyond that.

1166
00:56:58,988 --> 00:57:00,248
We're past the big question.

1167
00:57:00,468 --> 00:57:01,148
Totes.

1168
00:57:01,528 --> 00:57:03,588
It's secret word time.

1169
00:57:03,608 --> 00:57:04,488
Oh, yeah.

1170
00:57:05,708 --> 00:57:08,248
I really am hoping for a Christmas miracle.

1171
00:57:08,568 --> 00:57:09,168
Me too.

1172
00:57:09,868 --> 00:57:17,368
I have two guesses for your secret word and a guess for your decoy word.

1173
00:57:18,668 --> 00:57:19,148
Okay.

1174
00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:21,408
Okay.

1175
00:57:21,948 --> 00:57:22,568
I gotta pee.

1176
00:57:23,368 --> 00:57:24,448
Ooh, I'll hold it.

1177
00:57:24,688 --> 00:57:24,948
Okay.

1178
00:57:25,108 --> 00:57:25,508
Never mind.

1179
00:57:27,508 --> 00:57:30,028
Is your word fastidiously?

1180
00:57:31,288 --> 00:57:31,768
No.

1181
00:57:32,228 --> 00:57:32,628
Okay.

1182
00:57:33,208 --> 00:57:33,968
Nice word though, huh?

1183
00:57:34,228 --> 00:57:35,048
Yeah, good word.

1184
00:57:36,308 --> 00:57:38,368
Is your word condensed?

1185
00:57:40,088 --> 00:57:40,568
No.

1186
00:57:41,088 --> 00:57:41,448
Okay.

1187
00:57:42,508 --> 00:57:43,608
It's the word mavandata.

1188
00:57:45,148 --> 00:57:50,668
There was also a word that you said earlier on that I forgot to write down, that I'm worried it's the word.

1189
00:57:50,988 --> 00:57:52,048
Well, we'll find out, won't we?

1190
00:57:53,068 --> 00:57:54,648
What's your guess for my decoy word?

1191
00:57:55,188 --> 00:57:58,288
I'm guessing your decoy word is niece?

1192
00:57:59,608 --> 00:58:00,088
No.

1193
00:58:00,468 --> 00:58:01,548
Oh, dang.

1194
00:58:01,988 --> 00:58:04,108
Oh, you scared me because you're done?

1195
00:58:04,528 --> 00:58:05,268
Yeah, I'm finished.

1196
00:58:05,928 --> 00:58:09,648
Okay, you scared me because you started writing down after I said it.

1197
00:58:09,768 --> 00:58:10,088
No!

1198
00:58:11,288 --> 00:58:11,548
Yeah.

1199
00:58:12,108 --> 00:58:13,228
No, I was close.

1200
00:58:13,268 --> 00:58:13,788
You were close.

1201
00:58:14,088 --> 00:58:14,328
Oh.

1202
00:58:14,668 --> 00:58:16,588
So my real word was bloodline.

1203
00:58:18,108 --> 00:58:20,888
Oh, and I wrote down niece.

1204
00:58:21,028 --> 00:58:21,268
Yeah.

1205
00:58:21,348 --> 00:58:22,768
I got the wrong part of that.

1206
00:58:22,768 --> 00:58:23,028
Yeah.

1207
00:58:23,768 --> 00:58:26,388
And my decoy word was trance, which I said in the beginning.

1208
00:58:27,848 --> 00:58:29,248
Wait, when did you say that?

1209
00:58:29,248 --> 00:58:31,408
during invention of the week

1210
00:58:31,408 --> 00:58:33,768
during invention of the week

1211
00:58:33,768 --> 00:58:37,228
you're gonna be in a trance

1212
00:58:37,228 --> 00:58:38,448
these prices or so

1213
00:58:38,448 --> 00:58:38,848
something

1214
00:58:38,848 --> 00:58:39,888
oh

1215
00:58:39,888 --> 00:58:42,108
that's

1216
00:58:42,108 --> 00:58:43,168
that was a real way

1217
00:58:43,168 --> 00:58:44,268
that was a stupid

1218
00:58:44,268 --> 00:58:45,468
I don't know why I didn't

1219
00:58:45,468 --> 00:58:46,148
notice that

1220
00:58:46,148 --> 00:58:47,308
that was a stupid way

1221
00:58:47,308 --> 00:58:48,008
to say that

1222
00:58:48,008 --> 00:58:50,648
okay

1223
00:58:50,648 --> 00:58:51,848
okay

1224
00:58:51,848 --> 00:58:52,848
okay

1225
00:58:52,848 --> 00:58:55,828
there's a word I wrote down

1226
00:58:55,828 --> 00:58:57,808
I'm scared as your decoy words

1227
00:58:57,808 --> 00:58:59,808
so I'm not going to say that one

1228
00:58:59,808 --> 00:59:01,688
is your word

1229
00:59:01,688 --> 00:59:02,828
latchkey?

1230
00:59:03,508 --> 00:59:03,788
no

1231
00:59:03,788 --> 00:59:07,008
do I do it?

1232
00:59:07,208 --> 00:59:07,668
do it

1233
00:59:07,668 --> 00:59:10,308
because I don't think you wrote down anything

1234
00:59:10,308 --> 00:59:12,148
I don't know why I'm telling you

1235
00:59:12,148 --> 00:59:13,408
is your word divergence?

1236
00:59:14,048 --> 00:59:14,288
no

1237
00:59:14,288 --> 00:59:15,908
I knew you were going to guess that

1238
00:59:15,908 --> 00:59:18,288
I actually knew you were going to guess that too

1239
00:59:18,288 --> 00:59:20,468
because I saw you write something down right after I said it

1240
00:59:20,468 --> 00:59:22,008
and I was like thanks it's divergence

1241
00:59:22,008 --> 00:59:23,388
darn idiot

1242
00:59:23,388 --> 00:59:25,988
no my secret word

1243
00:59:25,988 --> 00:59:29,108
is spectator.

1244
00:59:30,308 --> 00:59:32,528
I asked if you would ever sit on the stairs

1245
00:59:32,528 --> 00:59:35,268
and hold the little bars and be a spectator to Santa.

1246
00:59:36,628 --> 00:59:37,408
That's a good one.

1247
00:59:37,548 --> 00:59:39,088
I thought that was a real awkward way to say that.

1248
00:59:39,088 --> 00:59:39,708
You did it well.

1249
00:59:39,968 --> 00:59:40,408
It was okay.

1250
00:59:40,608 --> 00:59:41,928
I'm grateful that you didn't.

1251
00:59:42,068 --> 00:59:43,928
I was dizzy from the carbon monoxide.

1252
00:59:44,408 --> 00:59:44,808
Yeah.

1253
00:59:44,808 --> 00:59:45,568
You were in a trance.

1254
00:59:46,368 --> 00:59:48,608
My bloodline was in a trance from the carbon monoxide.

1255
00:59:49,488 --> 00:59:53,468
My decoy word was withheld,

1256
00:59:54,088 --> 00:59:55,868
which I'm trying to remember how I said that now.

1257
00:59:55,988 --> 01:00:01,028
It was related to Francis's alternate invention.

1258
01:00:01,748 --> 01:00:02,268
Oh, yes.

1259
01:00:02,268 --> 01:00:06,748
It will be withheld from the regular listeners.

1260
01:00:07,168 --> 01:00:10,148
The decoy, or his new invention of the week.

1261
01:00:10,548 --> 01:00:11,668
Which, again...

1262
01:00:11,668 --> 01:00:18,268
The Christmas pigs are here.

1263
01:00:19,768 --> 01:00:21,228
The Boxing Day pigs.

1264
01:00:21,988 --> 01:00:23,188
We better go.

1265
01:00:23,188 --> 01:00:24,688
Go social media.

1266
01:00:24,868 --> 01:00:25,968
Very fine friends.

1267
01:00:25,988 --> 01:00:29,348
if you want to see what the invention was

1268
01:00:29,348 --> 01:00:33,368
send us a message

1269
01:00:33,368 --> 01:00:35,388
and we will send you that

1270
01:00:35,388 --> 01:00:38,048
and if you want to know

1271
01:00:38,048 --> 01:00:40,948
we both got a point for saying our secret words

1272
01:00:40,948 --> 01:00:43,708
but sadly no extra points were added

1273
01:00:43,708 --> 01:00:46,028
but if you want to check out the point totals

1274
01:00:46,028 --> 01:00:48,168
go to veryfinefriends.com

1275
01:00:48,168 --> 01:00:49,368
you can check those out

1276
01:00:49,368 --> 01:00:52,008
but in the meantime

1277
01:00:52,008 --> 01:00:54,048
I hope you all

1278
01:00:54,048 --> 01:00:55,468
wait, what?

1279
01:00:55,468 --> 01:00:56,428
One last thing.

1280
01:00:56,628 --> 01:00:56,948
Yes.

1281
01:00:57,508 --> 01:01:00,528
We decided to give our listeners one drink of water.

1282
01:01:02,268 --> 01:01:02,788
Free.

1283
01:01:04,448 --> 01:01:05,488
I'm going to be honest.

1284
01:01:05,688 --> 01:01:07,148
I was originally against this idea.

1285
01:01:07,848 --> 01:01:10,748
But it is Christmas after all.

1286
01:01:12,028 --> 01:01:16,268
So you get one, listeners, you get one sip of water.

1287
01:01:20,368 --> 01:01:21,468
That was beautiful.

1288
01:01:22,108 --> 01:01:23,188
Merry Christmas, y'all.

1289
01:01:23,188 --> 01:01:24,688
Merry Christmas, everybody.

1290
01:01:25,468 --> 01:01:25,948
Bye.