I don't know what happened.
Well, folks at home, we're in our new podcast space.
Yay!
It's a very delightful little room, my new house.
I'm realizing now, as I sit here, I was thinking, oh, this is perfect.
We record at golden hour times.
like we're gonna look out the window faces west but now i'm realizing my seat is directly in the
sun you look like an angel thank you i appreciate that um also we have the window open um we're
gonna see how that works so if you hear fun like birds chirping or those metal birds we call planes
in the background that's what's going on there or alley screams yeah we do have a fun murderer
that lives in the alley if you hear anything from that that's just know that's what's going on
we're okay it's just somebody else but we don't care about them nope we sure don't unless they're
a subscriber which we know they are so we do care about them so anyway um this is uh nice maybe we'll
post a picture of the podcast space oh i love it um let me do a little describing so they know what
they're getting themselves into okay it's a square room with a window yes and one door all of this is
accurate so far. Thank you. That's all they get for the teaser. You don't even know if
it has a floor or a roof yet. I'm not giving it all away. Subscribe. We release more on
bonus day. Why buy the room cow? You could get the milk cow for free. Yeah. Well, welcome
to Very Fine Friends, a podcast where friends talk about stuff. How are you, Francis?
Weather's turning.
I'm alive.
And you?
Both of those things for me as well.
Weather's turning and I am alive as well.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yay!
Good for us.
Yes.
Holidays are coming up.
Yeah.
I know.
Somebody posted the funniest meme yesterday.
It was the day after Halloween and they posted, I can't believe Christmas is tomorrow.
Oh.
Oh, whimsy.
And we laughed and laughed.
you know i just noticed the other day they don't you never see a santa outfit for sale
like in the grocery store or something
just for halloween anytime anytime yeah like where does santa go when he needs a new santa suit
mrs claus makes it for him old school she's uh she's got nothing else going on
yeah quite frankly obviously she doesn't bake cookies or he wouldn't feel the need to
get them from everywhere.
Who wouldn't be such a whore for them when he left
the house?
He's got to go outside the home to get what he really wants.
You know, if I was
if I baked cookies for Santa, I would
want to know his opinion on them.
Like, I don't want them to just leave them as a gift and then like
Like leave a little note, like
rate them, please.
What if he was just like, eh?
Then I'm
done with Santa. I'm Jewish next year.
it's just that easy folks
um okay
well is there a Jewish Santa
I think it's just Santa
oh I think Santa goes to
Jews as well
Santa Goldstein
as played by Mandy Patinkin
Santa Berg
yeah I could see
Manny Patinkin playing. Me too. Wouldn't he be a great Santa Claus?
Yeah.
Awesome.
You won't be good this year.
Carrie, what are you doing?
Carrie.
I believe her, David.
She's only insane.
She's only let me down every time
I'm going to cross with her.
Santa?
Oh, go back to bed, young one.
They baked you kosher cookies, Santa.
Santa?
Oh, good. No pork in those cookies.
All right.
Cool.
Well, I think it's time to get to our first segment.
I said the title.
You guys, listeners at home will remember I said,
Welcome to Very Fine Friends.
Yes, you did.
Joe's too busy eating Skittles to pay attention to what's going on in front of him.
Anyway, welcome back to Very Fine Friends, where you've been this whole time.
Now it's time to get to our first segment, which is the invention of the week.
Plot twist.
I know, plot twist, folks.
I actually have something this week.
So, I'm nervous about this because I feel like the standard is not going to be the same.
I feel like Francis has set such a high bar that I'm worried.
Thank you, but you'll be great.
The power just comes to you.
Okay.
All right.
I'm going to try and channel my inner Francis.
You're going to love this.
I'm all prepped to love it now.
Off to a good start.
Okay.
You know how sometimes you leave voicemails?
I do know that.
Okay.
And you know how sometimes you get drunk?
Yes.
Okay.
And you know how sometimes you make bad decisions and you accidentally call people that you shouldn't be calling?
Not me, but I've heard that other people do that.
Yeah, other people do that.
Yes.
It's been a long time since I've done anything like that.
But in general, people do do that, right?
They make poor decisions when they get drunk.
Well, if you're texting back and forth, you have a record of something, of like what you said and what the other person said.
if you leave a voicemail
only they have the proof of what was said
that's true
so my invention
is an app
that automatically records
when you're leaving a voicemail
so that you have a record
of what you said
in addition to the other person
having that record too
so that you can be like
I have the receipts
I know I didn't say that thing
or
don't try and paint me as a weirdo
Donna. I was just slurring my words
a little bit. Everything else was fine.
Anyway, that's my
invention.
You just want a copy
of what you said? Yeah.
Do they have a copy?
Because they have a copy of it.
So
that's like more power
in their hands.
Is there any other
practical use besides
just having it?
Listeners, what you can't say right now
is Jenna's getting very exasperated
that I don't understand her invention.
I know, I gave him a withering look.
Okay, anyway.
So,
no, I'm not actually exasperated.
No, it doesn't really do anything else.
I'm sure that you could come up with a fun new
way
to implement it.
But...
what would you do with it once you had it?
I don't know.
Get drunk and leave voicemails.
I'm just saying, it's just like a, it's a safety.
It's a precaution.
Don't look at what's going on.
Okay.
I thought Francis was trying to cheat and look at Joe's scorecard tally thing.
No, I don't try to cheat.
I just do it.
Okay.
Go on.
Anyways.
Yeah, I just, it's a good, like, cover your ass scenario.
out so here's how i thought of it or this is why i thought of it i was watching the movie barbarian
the other day and there's a scene where um justin long's character who is accused of sexual
misconduct by like an actress and he's a director that means he did it well he did do it but the
point is like he thinks he's in the right because like oh whatever but he gets super drunk and he
leaves this chick a message i'm like you're under like legal like there's like legal implications
to what just happened here.
So, like, if the next day you looked at your phone
and you were like, oh, shit, I made a call.
What did I say?
Or what if you butt dialed
and you don't know what was on that message?
Yes.
Yeah.
Exactly.
You don't even have to be drunk.
You could just be, you could just have a pointy butt.
The dials people.
Yes.
Yeah.
Let me ask you this.
Yeah.
Don't you think it would also be, like, a better,
maybe a feature of your app is instead of leaving the voicemail,
it holds it on your phone for 12 hours.
This way,
when you wake up,
you have a chance to decide if you really want to send it.
Oh,
so it's like a,
it's like a little holding period.
Yeah.
And they,
on their phone,
it could say voicemail pending.
Ooh,
that would be intriguing.
What if you got a little notification that said voicemail pending?
That would be intriguing.
like if you had that you'd be like and then if and then if it disappeared you'd be like whoa
what were they going to say i wish i hadn't just said that word out loud just in case um
i i like i actually do see practical implications for this app um what about
what about if you're gonna leave a voicemail you know how like when you're on um what app am i
thinking um oh like offer up if i go to message someone on offer up it's like this person rarely
replies or this person responds 76 of the time oh what if it tells you things like like this person
prefers sober voicemails looking to give you an opportunity to hang up or like this person what
if you said this person prefers a drunk voicemails and someone just like takes a bunch of shots
waits 20 minutes and calls back oh i'm just so nice and i just well you could put a drunk filter
on the voicemail.
So like,
you start talking
and then the filter
changes it a little bit
as though you were drunk.
Which gets you out
of legal problems
because it went
through a filter.
How does that get you
out of legal?
I mean,
I know you're a lawyer.
Because I didn't say that.
It's a fun filter.
You know,
so if I was like,
hey Jenna,
haven't seen you in a while
and the voicemail
came through,
I was like,
bitch,
what up?
So it's like a translation
to drunk translation?
Yeah.
hit your boy
I miss you
you just made me choke on my starburst
don't worry I know the
CPR
I know the CPR
you like I mean I think that would be fun
yeah that would be fun
or if you're angry oh this is a really
good one you know how sometimes we speak in anger
I do know that
what if the filter
stopped that
what if it's like
listen up
you stupid ass
don't talk to Jeremy again
you know he's mine
and then the filter was like
we really need to have
a conversation about
boundaries
and men
but I love you
I miss you
oh no
that's why they call it a windpipe
the noise I just made
oh
now we know
I do like it.
Do you have a name for this?
I have the receipts, Donna.
That's my name.
Voicemail modulator.
Mail mod.
Hold message.
Holden Callfields.
Well, it's expanded now.
Because there's no features.
As per usual, you've taken it and made it even more practical than what my original idea was.
I'm not thinking it's not practical.
Hey, Jenna, give me a call back sometime.
It's been a while since we spoke.
Beep.
I don't love my wife I love you
that's the drunk filter
yeah
I don't know any other names Joe you're pretty good
Joe's been like you've been on fire
with the names recently playing a name game
I was thinking
either voice me
instead of voicemail or
something like with VM
for voicemail like
my VMs
slide into my VMs.
I like something to do with VMs.
It's not that, but it's
somewhere there.
I'll keep thinking about it.
How about
VMVD?
Now we both have it.
Listeners, I'm sorry for laughing
really loudly into my mic just now.
Okay, well, we'll settle on a name.
We'll let you know when we get a final name.
Yeah, and also, this idea is actually just spawning layer on layer of potential,
because you could do anything.
You could even do voice filters.
So it's like, ah, put a funny voice on this one.
Or make it sound like her.
Make it sound like I'm Jenna.
And the call is coming from me.
Yeah.
Oh, that version could be called voicemail fraud.
Ooh.
Mail fraud.
so yeah i think you gonna be raking it in soon oh thank god you could use that yeah i won let it change you Thank you Thank you for keeping me grounded Of course Could finally put in a roof and a floor in the studio
Joe, don't tell them.
They're going to find out when they subscribe.
Or when they go to veryfindsfriends.com and look at the other stuff section of our website and see the picture on there.
If you'll excuse me, I need to walk across the room, which means my feet are now in hay.
But watch out for the lava pit.
Baby toe.
Bye-bye, baby toe.
Oh, no.
If you get thirsty, just look up and open your mouth.
It started raining.
And wait.
Watch out for the podcast pet falcon.
oh no i was trying to do a you and you succeeded yeah that was
that was oh no we're being swarmed by falcons they thought they were being called
well great i think that um i think you should do more inventions you've got the you've got the juj
and she loves us a long time um well we'll see of this
we'll see how this pans out um i mean i'm assuming we're immediately going to be rich so
yeah in which case yeah i'll keep inventing once every four or five years when an idea comes to me
i'll throw it into the podcast oh and you know what else it could even tell the person who gets
the voicemail they there's a 39 chance this person was inebriated
oh yeah you know so that they know because like let's say you're let's say you you had a long
long time lover and like he never treated you 100 right and it was on again off again and you
really love this guy but you decided for your own sanity you couldn't be around him anymore
then he calls you you know just like jana you're the only one for me wouldn't you know
though if you were a long time lover well i want the app to say there's an 86 chance he's playing
you he's playing a fool but what if i just like speaking as if i'm drunk then the filters
translates it to sober so you give it a baseline like it you you like talk into it and and it'll
determined. This is my sober state.
Yeah. The app comes with a breathalyzer.
You can't fool the app.
Hmm.
Every good app
comes with an external piece of hardware.
And you have to pay
to get them to come in the mail.
Like Harry's razors.
Okay.
Good job. Thank you.
I think you've made your
invention abundantly clear.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
yes
uh
all right
I think that
wraps up
the invention
of the week
now it's time
for our next
segment
wrong
uh
do you want to
describe this
segment
Francis
yes
so
wrong
is a
segment
where
one of us will begin to dazzle the other with a story or news of some kind,
but then the other person interrupts with corrective information
that, of course, then changes the trajectory of the story.
Then we have to explain how, of course, that makes sense.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Like clear?
Yes.
You need a voicemail for this?
Are you going to be using the drunk filter?
There's a 100% chance Francis was drunk.
It's Francis.
Of course he was drunk.
I'm kidding.
I don't drink.
Yeah.
Drunk on oxygen.
Okay.
Well, go ahead.
Okay.
I'm going to start telling you about something.
Can't wait to correct you.
Okay.
So there's this really cool feature in my neighborhood.
On Fridays, they do food trucks.
so there's a whole bunch of food trucks in the neighborhood so that um anyone can go up there
with themselves with their children and there's a variety of different sort of foods i'm sorry i'm
gonna have to correct you there francis um it's just eight food trucks and they only sell haggis
oh that's right that's why they all said it's us haggis on them um and so actually my community
partners with haggis incorporated um and they send eight trucks because as you know haggis is
overwhelmingly popular in arizona um and they actually have to have armed guards outside
because people will kill for haggis
and children will kill people will drop pens for haggis yes they will um that's how they signal to
other people by the way when one of the children wants to make a kill they drop a pen
and all the children attack and what they've done is uh actually the food trucks can't even
come out anymore because the children found a weakness on the food truck is at the top there's
a vent a toilet vent uh i'm sorry to correct you again here francis but um the at the top is an
actual toilet on the top of these haggis food it's not a vent right so that that's that does
track because what happens is uh the children put the toilet there um and what they what they do is
they eat little bombs
and then they
climb onto the toilet
and they go.
One by one? One by one.
They shit out the little bombs. And they flush the bombs
into the food trucks.
And that's how the workers are
violently killed.
And it also blows the doors
open so the kids can get in and get the haggis.
Which is, here's the crazy thing about that though.
Is
these, God bless
these food truck workers
for being so trusting and so sweet.
They see a line of little kids
waiting to climb up on top of their food truck
and use their toilet on top of the truck.
They're just like,
oh, sure, children, go right ahead.
Meanwhile, everybody knows this happens all the time.
These little toilet bombs going off.
It's the official motto of Haggis Incorporated.
We'd never assume a bomb.
that's not the kind of world we want to live in where bombs are just going off day noon and night
of indeterminate toilet origin so they allow it trademark you know what it is there's their motto
is trademark they know that if something bad happens to them they die doing what they love
which is scoop and haggis out what's haggis by the way is it like a yogurt that's such a great
question yeah what is haggis can you it's conceptually i know conceptually i mean the
scottish it's a scottish delicacy and i think it's i mean it's just a lump of meat really but
i think inside of us there's a little bit of haggis oh but we um i think what they found is
that the meat is the reason for the violent bomb crapping children it actually contained a
a contagion that made the children violent.
Um,
I'm going to correct you again here,
Francis.
Um,
yeah,
it's,
uh,
it wasn't actually a contagion.
It was just,
there's something that is activated.
Once you turn,
like the second you turn 18,
your body is suddenly able to,
to handle the haggis and,
and it becomes like a nonviolent instigator in your body.
Um,
as opposed to a violent instigator in your body.
There's something about the age of 18 haggis knows.
Yeah.
And so that's why it's only children that are doing the murdering.
And the parents are praying every night that their children aren't affected
because one in every 12 bombs goes off in the colon.
I know.
Yeah.
God.
And then people only have half of their child.
The left half.
Yeah, it goes up and down.
Yep.
Not top and bottom.
That's another thing that happens when you turn 18 is your colon writes itself.
It's no longer running all the way around your body, up and down your body.
Yeah.
That's why it's called the adult colon.
Yep.
They're not calling it the kid colon.
No, the kiddie colon.
Yeah, no, not anymore.
Nope.
Not anymore.
Isn't that beautiful?
It is beautiful.
I love that about your neighborhood.
Yes.
Yes. We also have a pool that is 40 feet deep.
That's really deep.
It's a scuba pool.
It's to help learn to scuba.
I'm sorry to interrupt you.
It's not a scuba pool.
It's to help you learn how to escape in case you've ever been dropped into a river with concrete blocks on your feet by the mob.
it's to simulate being deep inside of a river or an ocean that's right that's why they have the
concrete blocks next to with their little straps on them so you can just put them on your feet and
you kind of like waddle over the edge and jump in uh yeah i think i must have got that fact wrong
because the sign is so misleading it's whatever it says i know the sign just says no diving no
diving hashtag and no be scoob yeah what was i supposed to think i know i'm not mad at myself
for this. No, you shouldn't. No, you shouldn't be.
And the mob comes to train there.
Oh, which is so funny
that they come to train there.
They could be victims too. Well, they come
to train throwing people over the sides of
rivers. And they train
being the one thrown in. You know, one out of every
12 mobsmen.
It goes the way of a colon
bomb. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. God. Rest in peace.
Wow. One out of
12. Yeah. That's a dangerous
dangerous number. Well, what they're
finding more and more in science is that everything has a 1 in 12 chance. So all of math can be boiled
down to 1 in 12. That's why the word dozen is so popular.
Sorry to correct you again, Francis. The word dozen is so popular because it stands for dozen,
which is the way they, that's the collective term, the Dutch collective term for a lot of
donuts just a lot of donuts specifically 12 um they called them doos ends and that's when you
would you'd get a bundle of donuts and you'd bring them to your friends or whoever you wanted
but uh the dutch would actually they would have if you ever see this is why they love rings so
much because it reminds them oh it's dozen season oh bringing the dozens uh that does sound very
familiar and it also reminds me that the donut hole is because the dutch stole the hole so they
say dozen stole the hole dozen stolen yeah dozen dozen stolen milch and um and people run because
the sounds that scare them because they aren't used to dutch no one's no one's even the dutch
are not used to dutch yeah please oh god what's that in the distance oh i hope it's german oh
no it's wooden shoes oh quick i better get running clog clog clog clog um it's the woosan season and
the dutch also invented the colon bomb but they did it as a joke and then sadly these kids got a
hold of it and weaponized it as kids do god what are you gonna do with kids you know well
don't be around them because statistically
1 in 12 will explode.
Don't give them haggis.
Yeah, but everyone's addicted to haggis
because it's a scheduled 2
meet kodak.
So we can't stay away. Even right now,
I've got a hankering. Don't, Francis.
We want some haggis. Actually, you're over 18.
It'll just induce peace in you.
It will induce doozin'
peace.
Yeah.
That reminds me, I want to go to Dutch
Bros.
the oh i thought you're gonna say pennsylvania dutch country no i want well yes i want to go to
the dutch bros in pennsylvania dutch country there they just call it bros oh that's right
i heard that they use horses to stomp their coffee beans yeah hoofin hoofin bean hoofin bean yep
yeah um well that's well that's a fun little tradition yeah for your neighborhood that's why
we picked it that's why you picked the neighborhood yeah because of the exploding children exploding
children and the the mob the mob training pool yeah character so it's gone in these newer
communities i know what are we we are losing something i feel like as a as a society you know
everyone everyone now like they won't want their own private mob training pool it's like no this
should be a community thing yeah i want to look out and i want to see toilets on top of things
yes thank you i want to see the children exploding yeah it's okay if they live
i'd be fine with that if they live they don't have to die
i don't know can't they want they can they want to child's right to die yep
brought to you by oregon
um can i tell you something that we do in my neighborhood oh yeah please do okay um please
doozin in my neighborhood um uh there every year around this time um we hang stockings on our trees outside and then uh we act as like little santa clauses for our neighbors so like you try and like sneak a little gift into somebody stocking
oh i gotta correct you oh um they don't act like santa clauses they act like mandy patinkins
oh you're right i'm so sorry they're just basically basically the same in my mind yeah
and it wasn't a little more rfk i think than mandy anyway it wasn't stockings it was butter
yes that's right sorry uh i i always buy my butter in a in a long a butter stocking a butter
stocking so i i get them confused in my mind but yes we like to hang butter and hide tree we hide
treats inside other people's hanging butter um and it's just kind of a fun little thing and kind of
and then you get something it's kind of like a secrets uh mandy patinkin secret patinkin secret
Patinkin.
Where, yeah.
It's just kind of a fun thing.
Oh, I have to correct you.
Your whole neighborhood dreads this.
It's a horrifying
tradition that scares
everyone. Oh,
sorry. By fun, I meant
people look on
it with
fascination.
Like a car wreck. Or like a horror
movie, yes. So it's
It's fun in that way.
That's, like, so terrible you can't help but watch kind of a way.
Yeah, because the butter does turn pretty quickly.
And then the whole neighborhood smells terrible.
Yeah.
For, like, a month.
Because we do this, like, all of December.
Yeah.
Isn't this why, you know those neighborhood watch signs?
Isn't that why instead of the weird hooded figure, it's just...
Butter.
Butter?
Yep.
Yeah.
so it must be hard for you because i've no one visits those neighborhoods and you can't sell a
house in them it is that's it's tough um santa avoids our house on christmas eve which is kind
of a bummer because like i asked for things santa i still want them to but he he can't
the only butter santa should know should be the sweet butter in a butter cookie not
any kind of rancid butter so i get it why he ditches our neighborhood
um this also is why the children are so angry in the home because they don't get to see santa
in your neighborhood specifically yep um and that's why they're little midnight chokers
yeah the parents lock their doors now it's it's hey it sounds like a fun little nickname the
Midnight Jokers. It is not.
It is not
a fun little
intramural baseball team.
They are violent.
That's why the birth rate's gone down.
Yeah.
In your neighborhood. Actually, the birth rate hasn't gone
down. The murder rate's
gone up.
People are still having the babies.
They just...
Yeah.
you know half of them choke their parents and the half that get out blow up food trucks they
go to your neighborhood it's become a very scary world my god i know didn't used to be this way
i gotta actually correct you there francis oh it's been like this
since for over 2 000 years jesus was a midnight joker oh that's right the one of the wise
The craftsman actually brought him some haggis, and it set him off.
It said that he walked on haggis, I remember now.
And it just, once he turned 18, it was fine.
We had to get there.
Why do you think the Bible has so many years of Jesus' life just missing from it?
Because there were haggis-induced fear years.
Oh, and, you know, couldn't trust people with the truth, of course.
Yeah.
Well, and he was a kid, you know, like, clean slate, you know.
everybody gets a little bit
oh
I have to correct you on that actually
there's no such thing as a clean slate
if you did one thing wrong as a child
it stays with you
even up to your first job application
oh
shocked you didn't know that
that's why I've never been hired
for anything
because you did all that weird stuff as a kid
yeah
you were just going around being like
I'm acting Jesus
sorry
I forgive you
I'm your friend I'd hire you
thanks
you're not hiring
empty words I know
well
tell that to IHOP
they wouldn't hire me
yeah I know you're on their wall
oh you didn't know that
it's a picture of you
holding nuts
Philbert's nuts
actually Francis I'm going to have to correct you
there isn't a picture
of her hanging on the IHOP wall.
It's a likeness drawn by a police sketch artist.
She got away too fast
before they could take a picture.
Oh, it's just so,
they did such a good job,
I thought it was a photograph.
Use expensive pencils.
I do have very drawable features.
I have to correct you on that.
Oh, yep.
You are so unique
that they couldn't even, an artist couldn't even draw you in an art class.
You're barely human.
My features are so...
Enochian.
They're so nebulous.
Yeah.
Even sitting here across from you, sometimes I'm like, am I tripping?
Am I on?
Is that her?
I can't tell.
Is that a light being from away?
A light being from away?
Yeah, you probably didn't know that, but it's okay.
actually your parents were from
they are light beams
from far away
you were dropped off here much like Superman
I gotta correct you there
I am Superman
I thought you looked familiar
I don't like to advertise it
because then everybody will want you to do things for them
there's only one thing I would want you to do for me
what's that?
I'm gonna jump out of a building and I want you to just let it happen
deal god bless you superman
okay well we learned a lot we did learn a lot um and i'm glad we were all here to correct the record
so now the true story is out there and and uh listeners if you think you can draw jenna
Please.
I dare you.
Try and draw me and then tag us on socials at very fine friends.
Yeah.
And then watch your fucking back.
Yeah.
Coming for you.
This is my drunk voicemail.
You tried to make a picture of me.
I'm coming for you.
But then the voicemail filter hits.
Love you, boo.
Draw me, boo.
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
the filter is just the word boo a bunch of times it's just malfunctioning
um all right well that has been wrong i like when you teach me things thank you
um i like when you teach me things i like learning new things yeah this um segment made
me not want to try haggis though i can just be honest i've never had it but it seems disgusting
Sorry, Scottish people.
They have other food.
Do they?
Francis, I'm going to have to correct you.
I don't think they do, actually.
Oh, okay.
All right, well, we have time for one final segment.
That is the big question.
Ooh.
Thank you for reacting.
I was actually waiting for you.
Yeah.
Okay.
Boo-boo.
I have a big question for you.
Okay.
let's say that you were about to go on a first date with somebody
and you were like, maybe like texting back and forth. You're really connecting. You're like
very excited. Um, and then at the last minute you decide I'm going to stand them up.
you're going to ghost them right so you have a first date you don't show up for the first date
so this person is also very surprised by this because they would have thought
for sure that you were going to show up so
let's say you don't get in contact with them for like you just don't show up for your date
you set the date you set the date yourself for like a nice place like maybe a nice steakhouse
Like this is going to be like a wonderful evening.
They're there at the steakhouse waiting for you.
You don't show up.
They don't hear from you for like five or six days.
Nothing.
What would be your excuse where they would be not only not mad at you anymore,
but they would want you even more
like they would find you so alluring
that they're like okay with the fact that you just abandoned them
and ghosted them for like a week
and it can't be like a family emergency or anything like that
what excuse could you come up with
that would make them want you even more than they did
originally
let's see
what to do
him.
I'm going to say
it can't be a family emergency.
Can't be a family emergency.
Does it have to be verifiable?
No. Thank God.
Okay. Then I might say that
I
have had
lifelong visions,
which I usually ignore.
um,
they used to happen a lot when I was a kid and some of the stuff would like come
true. So it started to scare me. So I started to take medication to stop my
dreaming. Um,
but I forgot to take my medication the other day.
And because I had not dreamt in so long,
I had a really powerful dream wherein I
cured a horrible disease using science in my dream.
But when I woke up,
I knew that it was true and I had to get it to
I had to get it to
a Mongolian scientist
because it was
my dream was a Mongolian
and I remembered it all
crisply
I had to get it to him
so I flew to Mongolia
I found the
scientist
who was the only person in the world
working on this by the way
that's a silent killer
but we don't talk about it
it's too horrible
and anyway so I
shared the information
and he got to work right away
but then I remembered like
oh my god
I stood up
the love of my life potentially
I had to get this out
you understand that it was a choice between
saving people
and
not saving people.
But the flight to Mongolia is pretty long.
Couldn't you have just texted or sent an email or something?
I could only speak Mongolian.
I couldn't write it.
That's the thing about dream visions.
No, no, but I mean, the flight to Mongolia is pretty long.
Couldn't you have texted or emailed the lady or the man?
Oh.
No, because...
Your date?
Yeah, no, I see what you're saying.
No, I couldn't do that because you don't understand.
When you wake up with a dream vision, all I did from Phoenix to Mongolia, Mongolian International Airport, was repeat.
Phoenix Municipal Airport to Mongolia International.
I just repeated in Mongolia nonstop what I was going to be saying because I didn't want to forget it.
If I took even two minutes out of that to get on my phone, I could have lost it forever.
And then millions of people could have paid the price.
wow uh i i well i can't wait to see the news story saying that all of these these have been
all of these diseases have this terrible disease that we all don't talk about but we all know is
the silent killer my grandfather has it i can't wait for him to be cured i just found out something
black rock bought mongolia
what why wouldn't they want to release this cure who among us could know but they're holding on to
the information they bought it so that they could hold on to it oh my work for nothing
i hope that you're still attracted to me because you know my heart oh and i'm banned from mongolia
now blackrock banned you from mongolia they were worried that i would i would come back and solve
it myself. Well, you must still
remember the formula. You were repeating it
nonstop for days. There was heavy turbulence
on the flight back home and I hit
my head on the overhead carrying
storage bin.
And I, all I could remember
was a face and a name and it was yours.
Margaret.
Margaret. That's the only thing you could
remember? Margaret's face.
Yeah. So I think that means we're
soulmates.
So,
you don't remember any of like our conversations?
you just remember my name and my face my distinct face that can clearly be drawn by a police sketch
artist uh no no that's not true because before we met up i just i hit my head on the toilet
at the restaurant and then some of our conversations came back so it not just about your face i think you a nice person wait so you were at the restaurant and you hit your head on a toilet at the restaurant yeah i always go to the bathroom before a date and then so that so that you hit
your head you fell asleep then in the toilet so you woke up in the bathroom of the steakhouse
with your mongolian vision having come true or your mongolian vision then you left the steakhouse
immediately went to the land of the mongols the mongol republic uh yeah yep then i came home
oh and i brought you this from the airport it's a mongolian hoodie it has fur on the hood
wow i want you even more now i did it i'm not at all concerned that you have to take
medications to avoid having visions?
Not anymore.
That was the last one. That's how you know
you're about to meet the love of your life.
Stop having visions.
So then if you have another vision while we're together,
you're going to break up with me because then you know that I'm
not the love of your life? That's what we in the men
community call an easy out.
Okay.
And there you have it.
Well, that would work. There was a man named
Mongolia, and he saved me.
hmm okay do you have a
um let's see i haven't i should have thought of this because this was my question but i haven't
thought about it too much okay that's good it'll be organic
trevor i'm so so sorry i'm so sorry i broke off our date i you'll never believe what happened
probably not
I was
right out front
I pull up
the valet opens the door
for me
and then says
just kidding don't get out
I'm moving you over to the
passenger seat
scoot over
and then he gets in the driver's seat
and then suddenly three of his other
valet buddies get in the back
and they say you're coming with us toots they said toots they said toots i was as surprised
as you i thought that was an antiquated phrase but no they said toots and then they drove to
a warehouse i'm tied up at this point by the way what they tied me up i have no way to get to my
phone at all. For Valayman?
For Valayman.
In Valayman's terms.
They
had me tied up in this warehouse and then I look around
but they didn't blindfold me so I could see everything.
There are elaborate plans
for a bank heist.
Right?
Okay, thank God.
Yeah.
That this was going somewhere else.
No.
Okay.
So, and then they were like, you're the only one that can help us with this bank heist.
Why?
Because I have indistinct features that can't be captured by a police sketch artist.
So, and also because I'm a woman, it distracts.
People don't see it coming.
They don't see bank heists coming from a lady, which we can get back to whether or not that's sexist later.
That's fine.
I'm not interested.
Go on.
Yeah, I'm not either.
So we spend four days prepping.
And then they also, they say, if you don't do this, Trevor dies.
Me, Trevor?
You, Trevor.
Well, so what am I going to do?
not heist a bank so we spend four days going over all the plans it's almost foolproof
i would say probably foolproof i'm a little worried though because um our getaway car
has a squeaky door that's like a really like one of those really loud squeaky doors it draws a lot
of attention so i'm worried about bystanders you think the valets would have been a little more
attuned to something like this.
I'm starting to think they weren't really valets.
Well, they might not have been.
They had the vests for it,
but, you know, who knows?
Super exclusive valet vests, yeah.
It's hard to fake.
Go on.
So, anyway,
thankfully,
we pull off this heist,
we get all the rubies.
At the bank?
At the bank.
that's what we were stealing rubies rubies this bank had a in particular had a whole section of
its safety deposit boxes were just gemstones and clearly labeled as such yes yeah well they
color-coded them which seemed oh they thought they were being slick yeah okay like oh what's
in this emerald box i wonder but they only wanted the rubies to be fair the rubies were in the
emerald box so there was a little bit of misdirection well yes but you had intelligence on
that sounds like that was like that's actually where i came in when i was like it's probably a
misdirect and the valetmen were like no we're the professional heisters leave this to us and
then they opened the ruby box and inside cubic zirconia so i just want to kind of clarify one
quick point yeah nothing bad happened because they didn't listen to you no and they could have
just as easily not brought you and then opened both containers no no no because then because we
managed to sneak in without anybody noticing but the getting out was the hard part so they were
like this is where you come in you have to come out of the vault the where the safety deposit boxes
are and you need to act like you just came out of a coma that you were trapped in the bank no one
knew and then while you're creating this kind of distraction then they they'll escape so this
heist took place during banking hours yes that's why see no one saw it coming they assumed heists
of this nature happen at night that's where i came in which was kind of the genius part of
this plan so four men in a vest and you walked into the vault and that was cool no but then you
came out in a coma yes well i came out as if in a daze going what where have i been for the last
would get someone get me a newspaper i look at the newspaper and and oh no what what day is it
Oh, no, 20, that can't be 20, 25?
But it was closer to 1925 when the last I remember.
And then I'm, and everyone's swarming around me because this is fascinating because I still look young, but I'm talking about basically being like close to 100 years old.
Who's this colonial woman?
Yeah, exactly.
And then the valet men don't run.
They casually walk out.
because if you run that makes
more of a
it's more noticeable so they walk
casually out
left you there alone?
well no they left me with the people in the bank
and then I went
to
the hospital got checked out
and
the hospital was like
oh no I don't know there's nothing showing up on your scans
you must be
fine you're free to go oh also uh this was delivered to you at the front desk the delivery
my phone and then the second i picked that thing up i called you trevor right away right away so
wow and also now i have enough rubies to keep you in a lavish lifestyle
to which you'll quickly become accustomed.
I was going to ask how you helping a heist would make me love you more,
but now I see the angle.
That's how it will.
Okay.
I love you.
I knew you would.
Thank you for the rubies.
That's okay.
You're welcome.
Huh?
All right.
So I think we both successfully did that.
Yeah, that's interesting.
I'm never going to trust a valet person again.
Nor should you.
Give me the keys to your come.
Like, where are the other three?
How come you're not tying me up right now?
Okay, beautiful.
All right, well, I think that wraps up the big question.
I like that question.
Thank you.
I like scams and heists.
Yeah, they're fun.
I like lying to people.
All right, well, time for one final thing.
Secret words.
I definitely saw you writing some things down.
Yeah, but...
I have no faith left in myself.
Can you just guess first?
Okay.
God.
My first guest...
I can't lose three weeks in a row.
My first guest...
My first guest?
On tonight's show.
It's Trevor!
Yay!
My first guest is...
Windpipe?
No, that would have been really sneaky on my end.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, that's not it.
Wronged.
My second guess is abundantly.
Decoy word.
No!
Yay!
He's back, ladies.
Oh, dang it.
Weehee.
This is the danger of guessing.
I should have just stopped after I got windpipe wrong.
Well, no, because you want to get it right.
I do want to get it right, but I was worried.
I was a little bit worried about abundantly.
I don't even remember now the context in which you said it.
Your invention.
You made it abundantly clear.
Yes, you said it multiple times, too.
Yes, I did.
Dang it.
That should have been the trigger to me that it wasn't your real word.
That you were saying it abundantly.
Yeah, the fact that you said it abundantly.
Yeah.
Any of these still count?
I'm kidding.
Okay, great.
What do you got?
Then boom.
Gotcha.
Dang it.
my real word yeah was indeterminate oh
i don't remember but i know i did are you sure i'm quite sure i feel like i did hear that word
yeah okay all right yeah i could have missed it i just i didn't you did miss it i'm standing firm
in my i'm confident he said it at a time indeterminate hey your confidence is abundantly
clear. Suckers.
Okay, I'm worried because I
said this word
and so I'm nervous about it now
because I don't want it to be right. Are you smiling
because I did it?
Sorry.
I remember you repeating a word.
Oh, sorry.
The word was intriguing.
That is not my word. Or your decoy word?
It's not my decoy word either.
I'm really worried about this one
because you're sneaky.
I'm gonna say stockings
Stockings?
No, that is actually a word that I have had before
As my secret word
Stockings is a word that was my secret word
Remember the Rainforest Cafe incident?
And I had to make
I had to make Rebecca with a K
Frumpy
She had white stockings
Yeah
Okay, my last guess is withering
Because you said a withering look
Yes, that was my word
Are you serious?
I knew you were going to guess it too because I saw you write it down.
Although, I don't know.
That was like, I thought the perfect application.
It was.
That's why I was like, I don't know if this will be it.
You guys.
Well, can you guess my decoy word?
For an extra point?
Can you give me the segment?
The big question?
No, no.
It was in wrong.
It was during wronged?
Wrong.
Not wronged.
Oh, wronged.
I'm sorry to correct you, Francis.
It's wrong.
I'm going to say
that your decoy word was
haggis.
No, that would have been great.
I really laid it on thick with the haggis.
No, it was fascination.
Oh.
It said people look on it with fascination.
Oh.
Yeah.
Which I felt was a little too subtle, actually,
to be a good use of my decoy word.
I'm so pleased right now.
Oh, well, good.
Glad someone's happy he's still in first.
You said my decoy and I got your word.
Yeah, great.
No, what?
Are we?
Yeah, because he guessed.
Francis guessed your word
and he guessed Francis' decoy word.
No, that's bad that she said,
because she didn't say this is your decoy word.
She guessed the word.
No, no.
Yeah, no, that's what I mean.
You guessed my word, that's two points for you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I said you're a decoy word, that's another point for you.
So you're plus three and I am...
Yeah.
That's the whole point of the decoy word.
Well.
Never mind.
What a great day.
All right, well, I guess that's it.
I'm sad now.
Don't be sad.
We'll write a letter to...
Congress.
Mr. Patinkin.
Oh, yeah.
President Santa.
All right.
Well, Mandy, if you're listening, and I know you are, you're about to get some letters.
All right.
That's it, everybody.
Bye.