tell us about your dream oh yeah so it's a two-part first part it's just a really strange
brief thing it happens um i realized i needed to shave so i looked in the mirror but my facial hair
was very puby.
Okay.
Like, it was wispy and puby.
And I remember it was like a different color.
And I was like, what the hell?
Classic dream stuff.
I'm like, I can't leave the house like this.
So then my dream morphed.
Here's where it gets really weird.
I dreamed that I was asked to play
in the NBA championship game.
Okay, well, that's normal thus far.
Go on.
Well, here's where it gets twisty.
Okay.
the way it works is
I don't know if you know this
that
one player from the other team
has to switch and play for the other team
so my friends were like
Francis will play for the other team
so I was like you guys
so I was going over there to play
and I was like in my head I'm like I don't know how to play basketball
don't tell the NBA that
I can't tell anyone this
and then whoever it was came from there
like where's your pants
it's like what do you mean like it's standard rules you have to wear pants over your shorts
so it's like i didn't know that rule and i'm like hold on let me see if i have it in my duffel and
i opened my duffel and there was pants i'm like i have pants oh thank god so you can play in the
nba championship game that one single game that they play for the championship
anyway
I see your pants
I put my pants on
and I was like okay I'm ready to go
and I was still like I don't know how I'm gonna play this
and then right before I went out she was like
where's your hat
i don't have a hat she's like you have to have a hat so i was like
okay i'll go back in the bag the duffel i did but all i had was a like a wooden like
acacia salad bowl like a big serving bowl and she was like that'll work
you just needed something to cover your head so i walked out there in my pants in my salad bowl
and i made a point one single point just like they score points in the regular nba
yeah it was oh i forgot to say one thing right before we played my my captain came out
i was like captain your captain like yeah he's like how's it going over here and i was like
this lady's giving me a hard time about my pants and my hat and he like called her he's like yo
what the fuck and i was like dude no no no we're cool now like okay he's like okay well i'm glad
that he was willing to go to bat for you yeah and he was like no willing to go to ball right i'm
sorry i i'm so sorry every other detail of this dream has been so nba accurate i can't believe i
messed it up with a baseball reference oh my goodness i'm so embarrassed i gotta go oh anyway
that was it
welcome to friends like us
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oh no
you gotta subscribe for that content uh well great dream francis thanks babe
how have you been pretty good i've been getting my eight eight hours of sleep nice
yeah i do people call it that getting your eight yeah yeah that's the goal man i don't know cool
people that say get my eight well i guess i do i know you you say it well most people don't get
get it that's why oh they can't say it that makes sense that's why i've never heard it do you get
your eight uh yeah i i do i get my eight most times i shoot for getting my nine actually the
um i have lucky that i get enough sleep and i get that panic feel when i you know when you set
your alarm and it tells you how much time before the alarm goes off.
Yeah.
If it's below nine hours when I set that alarm, I get like a little bit like,
oh, if it's below eight, I'm like, crap, I gotta hurry up and sleep.
So you sound really healthy.
Thank you.
I make up for it in other ways but I dehealth myself in other ways That good because balance is the key to happiness I don want to be one of those people Well imagine when you old
Go on.
I won't be a doddering old woman.
No, no, no.
We've established this.
I'll kill you.
That's right.
I'll never make it that far.
The older you get, the less sleep apparently you need.
So old people are like cats.
That's where the term catnap comes from.
They...
What?
I thought the term catnap came from cats napping.
They learn from the elderly.
Oh, okay.
So do cats call it old napping?
That sounds like you're stealing old people.
I was going to say, but then is kid napping, is that like sleeping like a kid?
Kitten napping.
We're not going to get into the etymology of that, but let's just say it's cat related.
so i like to think kidnapping originally was just kids having
sleep time but then it turned out then adults figured out that was the best time to steal them
yeah i was gonna say like opportune moment kidnap kidnap well that's we i think we just
backed into the etymology of that word listeners no need to look it up that is 100 where that term
came from if you do look it up we will kick you off the feed and we'll keep taking your money
And we'll know if you look it up.
Don't you dare look it up.
Don't look behind you either.
Yeah, that's us.
Shh.
Francis, be quiet.
They can't hear us.
I'm trying.
Oh no, they hear your ice.
Okay, well, today we're talking about the purge.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Specifically, if there was a purge scenario, what would we do?
Well, first, we need to establish would you play or not?
Okay, yeah.
Well, first, for those who don't know, The Purge is a movie series.
The idea being that there's one day every year where crime is legal.
Any crime.
Any crime is legal for like 12 hours.
It's like from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. or something like that.
You only get 12?
I think it's like a nighttime thing.
Oh, man, I thought it was a 24-hour thing.
No, you get some lunch, do a little murder.
We're going to have to hurry.
Yeah, I know, yeah.
No, I think it's like a sundown, sunup situation.
Oh, that's scary.
I don't want to commit crime at night.
I want it in the daytime when I'm not afraid.
Well, we can maybe shift the hours.
We can make it 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.
No, don't do it for me.
Okay.
Because, yeah, you might be the only one that wants this.
Okay.
So, anyway, all crime is legal for whatever set period of time.
Okay.
I think in the movies it was like at 12 hours.
We'll stick with what they did then.
Yeah.
So now that we all know what the purge is, what kind of crimes would we commit?
Well, first I'd start with.
You ever been to a smash room?
Like a rage room?
No, I don't.
I mean, I nodded.
I was nodding, as the listeners could tell, because I know what you're talking about, but I've not been to one.
OK, well, that's fun and all.
Yeah.
But it's allowed.
Boo.
I want, first I'm going to go out and I'm going to break windows in shops.
Oh, okay.
Just to watch the glass fall and to hear a break and to know that I'm safe.
Do you have any particular shops in mind?
Do I have a vendetta?
Yeah.
Do you have a, it's okay.
This is subscriber only and the shops probably don't subscribe.
They don't subscribe because they're away.
I would say, no, what's that store?
Express.
Oh, oh, okay.
Yeah.
This is mostly store sizing trauma related.
Okay.
Banana Republic.
I know you're listening.
Don't tell Express.
Oh, they know each other?
They know each other.
They're like, it's like Express.
It's kind of a clinger to Banana Republic.
Oh.
Yeah.
Like Banana Republic is nice though, because they've known Express for a really long time.
And so that's like, it's, you know, it's a friend that you can't get rid of.
at this point. Oh, so Banana Express is like
they're too nice.
They're too nice. They just tolerate it.
Oh, did I say Banana Express?
Yes. Oh, maybe
you did. I didn't notice. New gay bar idea.
Banana Republic is, yeah, they're just
so Banana Republic, don't
tell Express that they're first for the
window smashing. Yeah. Sorry.
Go on. That's okay. I just wanted to say
mostly it would be
smashing crimes and like
tire slashing crimes and
graffiti crimes okay but you said you don't want to do a smash room because it's allowed
so it loses the appeal for you you gotta pay for that oh okay okay because the the purge it's also
yeah that's true that's a good point oh yeah but people but other people don't like there's a lot
of people who are home like oh god i don't want this to happen i'm scared and i'm out in the
street like yeah they can hear it in the living room they're like oh god i hope he's not coming
he's coming thank god this is the daytime and not the night i didn't mean even more scared
i love a good daytime purge yeah what would you do um the movies there a lot of murder and stuff which is weird to me
That implies that a lot of people are walking around with homicidal tendencies that they just don't act on.
I think that's true.
I don't think that's true.
I think the people that are homicidal generally...
Do it?
They think they generally...
They're not waiting for the purge?
No, I don't think so.
Francis, did you just find out that you're a lot different from other people?
Is this the moment you found out that your homicidal urges actually are a weird thing?
No, I get all my aggression on the court.
That's right.
You take it to the outside of the key for one of those one-pointers that you shoot.
Yeah, and then when I'm done, everyone has salads out of my hat.
The most violent crime I'd commit is I would say I would take part in street fights.
Oh.
Interesting.
Just to feel something.
Yeah.
Just to know you're alive.
Well, and you don't have to fight fair, so it's like, cover your neck.
Oh, so you want the dirty fighting?
Why would you want to be part of that?
Because then someone would dirty fight you.
Joe said it best.
Sometimes you just want to feel alive.
Okay.
You want me to stab you in the neck sometime so you could feel something.
I'll do it.
Don't say it if you don't mean it.
I mean it.
It'll be your birthday present.
1,000 subscribers.
We passed that many minutes ago.
Yeah.
I'd also...
I'd pee on seats.
What kind of seats?
And also, are you sitting while you pee?
I know we've talked about this.
If money was no object,
I would wet a lot of things.
Like wet by peeing?
Yeah.
I don't think we have talked about this.
Oh, really?
Because it feels good until it doesn't.
So if I knew I could just throw the object away and buy another one.
Oh, you mean you like the idea of...
Like super soaking your furniture.
So you would be sitting down then.
It's not like you're just standing and peeing.
Not always.
I could check people's car doors and if they left it unlocked,
I'd have to drink a lot of water that night though
That's okay
You'll be hydrated
I'll have a camelback as I'm going around just like
You get your eight
And you stay hydrated
It's the best way to handle a purge
I feel like I do a lot of trespassing
Just going into places where I'm not allowed
And then leaving
Yeah just to like look around
But keeping like a log of every
Yeah
I want to go into a lot of different people's houses
you should take pictures of yourself outside their address
like with the address behind you
and then go in
yeah
I wouldn't want the people to be there
I just want to like snoop in people's houses
oh I love to snoop
I always like going like
also like
I like seeing in like
back rooms of businesses and stuff
oh yeah yeah none of this is real
there's a half dress mannequin
and candy wrappers what's going on back here or like being able to see the kitchen at like
your favorite restaurants oh no no i don't want to do that no i still want to eat there what if
it's gross no like a nice restaurant like it'd be cool to go like in the kitchen of hillstone or
something well the kitchen's kind of open like all the nice kitchens kind of open up i mean not
not that but like like that yeah but uh yeah i probably do a lot of trespassing i probably
i i probably would steal a car just to like crash it do like a crash test dummy kind of a thing
bumper boulevard i yeah i'd probably i i'd uh well yeah bumper boulevard um except for i wouldn't
want to be in it i would do like a all right let's like put a concrete block on the gas pedal and
watch what happens like i'd i'd do stuff like that like you know we could like kidnap someone
oh um an adult while while they're taking their kidnap yeah well we can we'll shake them awake
and we can like they could be a cook at a restaurant we like and we could like
scare them into cooking for us that's that's our purge is we just force someone to be a private
chef yeah and like all around the restaurant there's like screams and gunfire and we're just
like we'll have the ahi tuna and then we order something that doesn't even need to be cooked
i have the ahi tuna sashimi thank you thank you so much can i have a lettuce
a lettuce i always wanted to touch one of those hubbin those tapenaki tables oh i know that would
ruin my life so i haven't done it but um there was one time when i was a kid and um i the stove
was on it was electric stove it um and i knew that it was on but i guess it wasn like glowing or something and i was like there a chance this isn on so i just like fully put my hand on it placed it on it and then kind of pulled it off and I had like
burn marks and like all the creases of my fingers my mom was standing right there and she and I like
I didn't react to it was just kind of like a huh that was weird that I did that why did I do that
I was probably like 10 I think at the time I know it wasn't like a little kid that was
sentient yeah no no i mean i remember this vividly and my mom was like what why are you
knew what was on why are you doing i was like i don't know i just i wanted to check in she was
like are you okay i'm like yeah i'm fine but i still remember how like the burn like the brown
burn marks on my hands oh my god yeah anyway it was i think the weirder thing the thing that
stands out the most to me about that memory is that it was painful but i didn't react at all
And it was just kind of like a, huh.
Oh, you were made for the purge.
I probably shouldn't have done that.
But like, no reaction other than that.
One time I was cleaning a wine glass.
And I was in eighth grade.
Yeah, it broke while I was cleaning it.
And I snapped it.
And then out of reflex, I brought it in and I stabbed myself with the stem.
Oh my God.
Yeah, I have like a scar here still.
Oh.
Yeah.
My dad came home.
I heard the door open.
So I got scared I was getting in trouble.
So I just didn't get help.
Oh, you purged yourself.
One night a year.
Was Dennis like, which one of the neighbors did this to you?
The neighbor I invited over.
The one that he just walked out.
He just got up and walked away.
I feel like there's a fun crime that we're missing.
Oh, I have one.
Okay.
Going into someone's house and stealing all their clothes and throwing them away.
because then after the purge they have to buy all new clothes
what if what if instead of like throwing them are you just like
if as long as people wouldn't know like you just like took their closet their clothes
and then put somebody else's clothes in there and like so you were switching people's clothes
into different closets so like they wouldn't know until they got like it was like morning
and they're getting ready to go to work and then like oh like crap this isn't my suit this is
this is else deborah's yeah this is deborah's sequin gown oh but they didn't realize it till
they put it on right wait a minute and then so like the next day after the purge everyone's
kind of walking around in weird clothes that don't belong to them i was thinking instead you
could take someone's clothes and then at work you wear their clothes but then like never talk about
like they're like hey i i had that shirt a shirt just like that stolen on the purge night
I had a shirt just like that
received on the purge night
it's so weird
I'm sure they made more than one
Dan what he's I don't know his name
it's okay
Danielle
going like
going to like an amusement
park and just like riding the rides
I guess that's more like trespassing stuff
yeah but you need to do it with me because
one of us has to hold the
person at weapons point to make them run the rides right unless there's a delay you think
there's a delay button on it like a timer on a camera yeah or it's like probably it's like you
get 15 seconds to run to the like the seatbelt bar is going down you just gotta like run in that
would be fun actually they should do that it'd be a fun like little do you ever try and test
yourself like like can i can i like get my key in the door and turn the lock before like this
happens or like or if there's like a commercial on and like you're like i have 30 seconds until
so like can i run into the other room grab something real quick and then run back in that
amount of time yeah the fun game i play is when i'm leaving the bathroom and i like shut the door
as it's shutting i try to reach back and shut the lights off while the door's closing
but then yesterday i turned another light on like idiot oh have you ever slammed your hand in the
door no wow so you're good it's not like moving at the speed of light it's just like
it's hard to explain
I wish I hadn't brought it up
well
comments
leave comments
comments
tell us
listeners
tell us
in the comments
what you'd purge
how you would purge
what you'd do
will we see you on purge night?
I hope so
oh I hope we kidnap you
and we make you
cook for us
or we'll maybe see you running to a nearby roller coaster that we're all trying to get on yeah
i think that would be fun i'd like that or maybe we'll see you the next day
wearing your clothes wearing your clothes yeah uh all right well i look forward to the purge
now me too we'll see you there okay bye
you