did you know i met lizzo oh yeah really yes this is true so of course she was super famous
let me break it down for you please do uh i was in seattle and i got invited to go to
a show of Pizza Underground,
which was with Macaulay Culkin.
Is this true?
Sounds true.
So we were going to go to the show,
so they were performing.
Like a band?
Yeah.
Pizza Underground?
Yeah, and they ordered pizza
and they would pass the pizza out in the show.
People were like passing around a big pizza box
and we were all taking pizza.
It already has Macaulay Culkin.
Does the band need another hook?
It feels like a hat on a hat.
Unless Macaulay Culkin was just so worried that his name no longer was a draw.
He's like, I need to offer pizza.
It feels like a pizza on a Macaulay Culkin.
Oh.
Anyway.
I was just happy to be there.
I wasn't questioning things or thinking how they could be better.
And the opener was a yet-to-be-famous Lizzo.
And I was in the front row.
And I was, like, right next to the stage.
and she was like touching people's hands.
So I put my hand out
and she like touched my hand
and she had such soft skin.
It was crazy.
Wow.
Yeah.
Are you sure Lizzo wasn't the one
who had pizza going around?
Oh, you.
You made pizza sound like a disease just now.
She had pizza going around.
There's a cream for that now though.
It's cream cheese.
Anyway,
When I left the show, I remember that there was, I was walking over a bridge and on the bridge there was a sign that said, don't jump and a phone number.
And it was Lizzo's phone number.
When you said you were walking over a bridge, I was picturing like a scenic little bridge over like a tiny little like stream.
No, like a little wooden bridge, you know, just kind of like a cute little bridge.
It was don't jump.
I was like, oh, that's
what's the worst that can happen?
You get your ankles a little wet.
Ankle injury, don't jump.
And something else happened too.
It was on the same trip.
So they have this place called, I think it's called
Dick's.
I hope it's...
No, it's like a...
Is it called Dick's? It's a hamburger
place. It's cash only.
Where is this?
Seattle. Oh, okay. Seattle, right.
you did say that okay anyway um so i was i had to use cash it's because there was cash only so i
was like away from the thing i was like counting my money and this lady came up and she goes hey
you want to hook me up with some fries rob pat robert patterson was big at the time
and i like wait patterson yeah pattinson no this is the author's son
Robert Otherson
you know the one the vampire
yeah yeah
yeah well she called me Rob Pat
she didn't know either
I had sunglasses on
I'm not sure if it's Patterson or Pattinson
better just go with Pat
that's so weird I always call him
Ertinson
hey Rob
she
wanted fries so she's like I'm gonna hook you in some fries
and I was like oh no sorry
And I was like counting my money to make sure I had it.
And she goes,
don't count your money like you think I'm going to steal from you.
And I was like,
what?
Maybe it's like counting your money to see how much money you have.
Yeah,
it's cash only.
I didn't know her name,
so I couldn't call her by her name.
You know,
like Deborah,
come on.
Kirstew.
Wait,
Kristen,
Kurt,
Kirsten,
Kirsten Stewart,
Kristen,
We don't know any of the Twilight actors.
Which one is it?
It's Kristen.
Kristen Stewart.
Okay.
I think I said Kirstew.
Oh.
Like Rob Patt.
Okay.
Yes.
I thought you just didn't know the name Kristen.
Kirstew Stewart.
Anyway.
Yeah.
That sort of stuff makes me uncomfortable because I never know what to say.
I mean, now I could be aggressive, but back then I was just a young child.
I'm glad you've gotten aggressive.
That's the Francis I know and love.
I was going to walk over me.
Nope.
I'll take us both out.
Exactly.
That undercurrent of suicidal tendencies makes you a danger to yourself and to others.
It's called a riptide.
It looks real gentle from a distance.
Yeah, that bridge story would have gone real differently.
No one tells me what to do.
defiant suicide
welcome to very fine friends
podcasts
where friends talk about stuff
about defiant suicide
yeah
you know what I always thought was very interesting
the
mash theme song
you know that song
we did the mash
the monster
oh
do you know what it's called though what the real song is called
no suicide is painless suicide is painless
is the name of the mash theme song
I knew it yeah you knew suicide
was painless no I think it can be painful
you're right but that I just says that like when I found that
it was like what a dark dark name
for that song.
Yeah.
Especially because it like
ends on kind of like a
da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Wait, it's like the
da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
No, I think it's more of like a
da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Oh.
No?
No.
Was I right?
No, I was just, I was trying.
Oh.
I wanted to feel included.
Joe was joshing around.
Who was Joeing around?
He's just joshing.
He's just being a goof.
I'm just goofing.
Goofing?
We're all just goofing.
Gooping and boofing.
We're just God's gophers here goofing on the go land.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
and right before we die, we add up all the points and then we get a prize, whoever has the most
points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Not today, Joe. I'm taking over. My secret word is generating. My decoy word is firestorm.
Francis's secret word is anorexia
Francis's decoy word is inconsolable
back to the pod
well
on this positive suicide note
I think we need to bring something productive into the world
let's get to
the invention of the week
invention
yeah cool okay so we're doing things a little differently this what i know i know sorry
listeners we're gonna mix it up a little bit so i had a francis's advice for how to invent things
is do you have a problem in your life oh well just figure out how to fix that problem like
what's something that annoys you?
Then that's suddenly a new invention.
You figure out how to fix it.
New invention.
Well, there was something that I noticed
that I think is kind of a general annoyance and problem
and probably for everybody in the world.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I've been thinking about it for days.
So we're going to brainstorm.
We're going to see if we can invent on the fly.
So Francis, I'm going to tell you what my problem is.
Okay?
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
you know how you brush your teeth i do know that sometimes
and you know how you the toothpaste often like the farther and farther along you get in using
the toothpaste you get like residual toothpaste around the edge of the opening where it's because
Yeah, I do know that.
When you're either with a tube or even with little stand-up bottles, which are superior to tubes.
I don't know why they don't do more of those.
Yeah, because you've got to, you pump the toothpaste out of the tube.
And then you've got to like push it off onto the toothbrush, right?
So inevitably a little bit goes over the edge.
So then eventually you're getting to the point where it's just toothpaste, just like gobs of extra toothpaste are around the edge and toothpaste gets everywhere.
I've got it.
Wait, okay.
You already have, okay.
I want to invent something that is like a clean.
So from the entire time you're using it, it's a clean slice.
It doesn't build up gobs of toothpaste around the opening of the toothpaste tube or container, whatever.
Okay.
All right.
I can see the wheels turning, but Joe claims to have it already.
Let's hear it.
Joe for...
It's called the paste pump.
And...
We start to name them first.
Yes, what it is is it's basically like a little hand soap dispenser, but it's toothpaste inside.
And there's a strip of very strong proprietary adhesive on the back of it that you peel off.
Stick it against your wall at about shoulder height so that you can very conveniently just press it while you slide your toothbrush underneath it.
So that's a precise motion.
You're not losing any toothpaste.
Here's the problem, though.
Toothpaste is viscous.
You need to like cut it off.
You need to like you need to do that thing where you like put your toothbrush.
There's the toothbrush is too integral in cutting off the stream of toothpaste.
And so inevitably you're always going to get that like little bit that comes up and no matter what the dispensing system.
It's the same principle as hot dogs or as a ketchup and mustard on a hot dog.
Yeah.
When they have those little things that you just slide the hot dog under.
But what I'm saying is that's more liquidy.
So it naturally cuts itself off a little bit more.
No, you still have to cut it off with a hot dog.
Just think of your toothbrushes like a tiny hot dog, Jenna.
No, you don't have to cut it off with a hot dog necessarily.
But either way, there's still like residual mustard and ketchup on one of those pumps.
On my pumps.
Okay.
Not the way I pump them.
I know what you're talking about.
Thank you.
I think the key here is I have two options.
Okay.
Here's one that's fun.
So the bottom of your toothbrush, so we have a little dispenser,
and you take the bottom of your toothbrush and you stick it in the dispenser,
and it puts like a little tiny little cloth-like cover on the bottom of your toothbrush.
And then when you're done getting the toothpaste, you can use that to wipe off the excess toothpaste.
So you're just constantly wiping it.
So you don't fix the problem necessarily.
You just have a constant cleaning solution.
Well, you're already going to be there getting the toothbrush or toothpaste.
You could just turn it over and wipe it real quick in one motion, then brush.
And then you could knock it into the garbage.
That's one option.
Okay.
Here's another fun one.
Toothpaste guillotine.
I was thinking something along those lines too.
I was thinking that, but then the guillotine would then just get toothpaste-y, right?
No one likes a pasty guillotine.
Yes.
There's also brushing teeth in the shower.
What?
Sometimes people brush their teeth in the shower.
That sounds disgusting to me.
Don't you?
You don't want your toothbrush near your genitals?
strangely no
I don't think it would be
well if I do I want it to be my choice
where are your teeth Jenna
Francis
it's time to tell you about the human vagina
no daddy no
there's teeth down there
well I'm yeah
I know
I know that
I know more than you
okay so
you have qualms about the guillotine
Well, only, no, I mean, I love the guillotine idea because that's what I was thinking too.
It's just transferring the problem to a different place.
Yes.
The guillotine would then become itself would get the residual.
Wait a minute.
What?
Why are we acting crazy right now?
I've got it.
Okay.
We invent a new toothbrush that's thicker than a normal toothbrush.
and we have toothpaste cylinders that go into the toothbrush.
And then there's like a thing near the head where you twist it
and it comes out into like the middle of the toothbrush.
And then who gives a shit?
Yeah, I was thinking like little – like instead of toothpaste,
it's like little cyanide capsules of toothpaste
and then you put it in your mouth and then you start brushing
and then it just breaks on impact.
And then you're not losing any toothpaste.
Well, they have stuff like that.
I just assumed we were keeping toothpaste, but maybe.
Wait, wait.
So describe this again.
Here, let me explain it again.
Please do.
So you have a toothbrush.
It's normal, right?
Okay.
Imagine you have the same thing, but it's a little bit, the handle is a little bit fatter.
Because inside, you can put in a tube, like a small tube of toothpaste, which obviously
they're going to come in cylinders now because they're going to fit in your toothbrush.
So it goes in, clicks into place.
when it clicks it punctures it open it's all very japanese and then at the uh near the where the
bristles are going to be beneath that there's like a twisty things for so that you can twist
the toothpaste out of the tube and onto the brush then you never have to worry about oh there's some
left because it's never going to be an issue and then it would also always be twisting from the
bottom so the toothpaste would always be going up through the tube it's not like the psychopaths
who squeeze from the middle of the tube no instead of going from the bottom up
oh my gosh what if it was like toothpaste and like a little
like thing like this like you have like hair gel or pomade or whatever yeah and then you can just scoop it out with your toothbrush They have that They do They do Seriously
So this is what it feels like to be me, huh?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, this was you a few minutes ago with vaginas and teeth.
So don't act all high and mighty.
You're right.
I got to stay low to the ground.
We invented vaginas with teeth.
Oh, yeah, it's real.
They have tooth powder.
They have the tablets like you were talking about.
Wow.
I kind of don't like the idea of the tooth powder because.
I don't either.
Like, I guess you could maybe take it with your fingers and sprinkle it on.
But I don't like the idea of you dipping your toothbrush that you've already put in your mouth.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Well, that's the thing is then, yeah, you're.
So it would still have the texture.
Like they sell it still like the consistency that toothpaste is right now.
What's the question?
In that little like pomade jar?
No, it's like, they might.
I mean, I'd be surprised if they didn't have that,
but they also have like a mineralized powder toothbrush or toothpaste.
They call it tooth powder.
They have the tablets like Joe was talking about where you just.
I've never heard of the tablets.
It's good for traveling because then you can just like crunch it and brush.
Crunch and brush.
Ooh.
Dot com.
um okay i like this toothbrush idea it also would be good for traveling because it minimizes space
you could still theoretically just have like you know your travel container for your toothbrush
um is it we could make it tsa compliant oh yeah we can do all that
cool
what are we going to call it
I like this the toothbrush I feel like
solves
which one are we settling on
the toothbrush with the canister in it
that you click in
and then you just kind of twist the bottom of the
toothbrush and it dispenses toothpaste
directly into the bristles
I think we should call it the brisly bear
the brisly bear
yeah
okay
you can't handle the tooth
that makes me think that someone has one big tooth they're brushing
i'm just thinking because you put the canister in the handle and you use it on your teeth so
you can't handle the tooth i didn't even pick up on the handle part of it
yeah you can handle the tooth well you can't
tooth tubes
jubies tooth tubies
jubies tooth tubies write it down that has name power
jubies tooth tubies i'm buying one
Our faces could be on the refill tubes.
Oh, yeah, we could each have our own flavor.
Or are you getting a Francis, a Jenna, or a Joe?
What are our flavors?
What mint flavor do you want?
It's got to be mint, right?
You can't do anything.
No, you could be Fruity Francis.
I have a feeling Francis doesn't like that nickname.
I'm not.
I'm not doing that.
I think you're right about the mint.
I think a nice Andy's mint could be fun.
It's like a chocolate mint?
Yeah, we'll do a partnership.
Andy's?
Or we'll just call it Andrew's mint.
And then two middle fingers.
Your flavor could be chocolate-covered pretzel.
And the toothpaste stays hard when it's wet.
No.
It's Andrew's mint.
But yes.
I never understood anything like sugar related in toothpaste.
It's like that just, even if it doesn't actually have sugar in it,
it just feels like you're putting it back on your teeth and you're trying to get it off.
What if you forgot and you ate it?
Um, can I confess something?
Well, as just to, and before I make this confession, I want to clarify,
I am the only one that uses my toothpaste.
It's not shared toothpaste.
Sometimes if I don't feel like brushing my teeth, but I, I mean,
I always brush my teeth at the regular times of day,
but if I like extra,
I,
I want,
I brush my teeth no less than three times of a day.
You brush your teeth three times a day.
Yeah.
What?
Three times.
I brush mine too on a good day.
Oh,
I never brush less than twice.
Always when I wake up and always when I go to bed,
there might be a time that I don't in between,
but usually midday I'll brush again too.
But anyway,
the point is if I just want a quick hit of fresh breath,
I'll stick the tube up to my mouth
and just lick some off.
I'll squeeze a little and lick.
That's not weird.
Okay. Thank you.
Let's just get Listerine.
Yeah.
Sometimes it's not around.
We always know where to find toothpaste.
And Listerine, that's a different...
You still gotta squish and this is just like
I'm just eating it and it's in my mouth.
It's just a little tiny lick.
Gives her some wintergreen.
Well, I like Listerine because on the bottle it says that it gives you a fresher and cleaner mouth feel than brushing alone.
And I just like seeing the words mouth feel on my Listerine.
Fun fact.
They put the word feel on there to get out of legal responsibility.
Gives you a cleaner mouth feel.
It isn't actually cleaner, but it feels like it is.
It feels cleaner, yeah.
Just kidding.
I don't know anything.
Don't sue us.
It used to say it gives you a cleaner mouth in in inarguable truth of the universe.
It's absolutely factual, which was a weird thing to put on a bottle.
Yeah, it really was.
The bottle was much bigger to fit all that text.
Oh, thank God we have a lawyer.
It's just I just it just hits me just now.
You never used to do this as like a meal replacement.
Did you eating toothpaste?
Yeah.
No.
OK, because I was worried.
I was worried you were like, just admitting like, oh, maybe I had a little anorexia.
Like, I just ate toothpaste.
Oh, did I eat toothpaste?
No, no, no, no.
No.
No, I'm not psychotic.
Okay.
To our listeners that do eat that as a meal.
I'm sorry.
That's psychotic.
Don't do that.
To our listeners who do eat that as a meal.
We love you.
We do love you, which is why we're telling you, don't do that anymore.
We'll give you a sample pack.
Oh, sure.
And then that's a free meal.
Yeah.
Is toothpaste edible?
Yeah.
yes we put it into our mouths every day what do you think jenna has been subsisting on wait a
minute let's say it's not edible you have to spit it out when you're done so i'm just curious no you
can swallow it you can swallow like mouthwash i mean really it would be bernie and it would
like make your hi i'm bernie
i'm in your throat right now uh no it's just it just isn't good i mean but it's not gonna kill
you. It's not going to hurt you.
There's definitely... It's not like
bleach, Francis. Also, you can drink
bleach.
You can.
Jenna's like, we're talking about two of the
three major foods in my food diet.
You just tried to describe breakfast and lunch,
my man. We have to change
a song title from the beginning of the episode.
Suicide is painful.
No, I mean, you don't want to have a ton
of it, but you can dilute bleach and
drink it. It's totally fine. You can
not dilute it and
drink it.
It'll just be painful going down.
It will kill you.
No, I'm pretty sure you can drink bleach.
Blisters,
try drinking bleach
and get back to us and tell us your status.
No, I'm
telling you.
This is my advice to you.
Not a lot of bleach.
Everything in moderation.
Quick interruption.
don't drink bleach.
Thank you.
But, anyway.
You know what I never understood?
And this is going to be so boring to listen to.
I'm sorry, but I'm just going to say it anyway.
You know how there's the pH scale?
So there's like acids and bases.
So I knew that like acids,
like a hydrochloric acid, right, could like kill you.
So I never understood how a base could like kill you too.
I thought like a base would be safe then.
That's not the case.
bases can kill you too yes you really want to stay in the middle yeah moderation moderation
exactly just like with drinking bleach well it's the same with food too if you eat too much food
it could kill you and if you eat not enough food it could also kill you there's only one of those
that I'm interested in trying.
Okay, so we have
the Brizzly Bear.
You can't handle the tooth.
Juby's Tooth Doobies.
We each
came up with a name.
We were each generating a name
for this. I am proud of us
for that.
Time for a pretzel.
Yes, listeners,
one thing you don't know is
we have chocolate covered pretzels here in the studio.
So if you hear any extra
crunching, that's
what's going on.
That was Joe.
There goes Joe, just to
prove it.
This episode is sponsored by
pretzels. Get the
goody Juby Crunch.
Thanks.
More ads should end with
thanks.
Juby's out to lunch. Juby's gonna munch. Juby's got that crunch. Juby's.
All right. Well, uh, thank you for solving my problem, Francis. See, I knew you could do it.
Thank you. I helped. You were there. Yeah. You did help.
The ultimate invention came from Francis. So. Hey. Sorry.
You're a good namer.
And I'm good at nothing.
State Farm is there.
Like a good namer?
Thanks.
All right, that wraps up the invention of the week.
It's time for our next segment.
Dr. Truth.
Need advice?
Ask Dr. Truth.
So in this segment,
Joe is going to be asking Francis and I
life advice questions
that he's gotten from our many, many listeners
that have submitted.
And they've all submitted anonymously.
Cowards.
But Francis and I will be answering them as the best of our ability, similar to a Dr. Ruth, but for copyright reasons, not Dr. Ruth.
So what's our first question?
What can we help you with?
All right.
Our first question is from a listener in the Midwest.
What's your solution for stopping yourself from flying off the handle at someone when they upset you?
Well, I'm not sure if Francis is the right one to answer this question.
This listener actually specifically requested Francis's answer.
Okay, well, do you want me to answer first or do you want to answer?
Sure, go ahead if you've got something.
I do.
Notice how calm I am right now.
So, listener, what you're going to want to do is go to McDonald's and get a whole bunch, as many ketchup packets as they will let you have.
You're going to need a lot of ketchup packets, specifically McDonald's ketchup packets.
Even though they say, I think they say they're Heinz, there's something about them they're not.
It's specifically made for McDonald's.
It's different.
put as much ketchup as you can into a bowl
and then have that bowl with you at all times.
Then at any point in time, if you get upset,
you take your right hand, put it in the bowl of ketchup,
pull it out
then you realize you've got ketchup all over your hands
and now you've got a whole new problem to deal with
and you can't think about what made you angry
now you've got to get ketchup off your hands
before it gets all over the place
because ketchup stains and ketchup gets all over the place
so you're basically creating a new problem to distract yourself
and I recommend ketchup
I also recommend if you're really serious about this process
wearing head-to-toe white, like the good humor man,
that'll really help make this solution stick.
Or not stick, because you don't want the ketchup on you.
But anyway, basically, you're distracting yourself with a new problem.
I call it ketchup hands.
That's my advice.
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
How to stop yourself from flying off the handle at someone.
I like to do a little thing I call and other people call imagining.
Who is this person that I'm mad at?
What made them who they are today?
Here's something I noticed.
Everyone has a story.
Everyone has a chapter before me.
What was in that chapter?
So before I get really mad now,
I just assume something horrible happened to them.
they had bad parents they had a bad day they got assaulted
you know maybe they spilled coffee on themselves
and it happened right before our interaction so yes i could very well be in the right usually
always am when i get mad i don't get mad because i'm in the wrong that's actually in the legal
language of being upset why would i be upset if i was wrong you wouldn't you're a reasonable human
being that's a bumper sticker waiting to be printed uh so even though i'm like okay so first
i applaud myself because it's like you're right and it's good to be right so if if nothing else
you have your accuracy you know they might not see it your way but guess what at the end of the day
you're going home right.
They don't have that.
Then I feel, what comes up next?
Pity. I feel bad
for them because they're not right.
Then I think
they're wildly stupid.
More pity. They're stupid.
They can't help it.
Stupid people can't not be stupid.
I'm blessed. I'm so blessed
to be right and be smart.
And then this is all happening internally, but it is
taking time, so they're probably leaving
while I'm doing all this math.
By the time I come back to the situation,
there no one to be mad at because they gone Your solution is just think about a lot of other shit to distract yourself until they leave Yeah Okay So yours is a mental solution
Mine's a physical solution.
Yeah.
But both involve distracting yourself from whatever is making you angry.
You're right.
That was a very good, succinct wrap up.
Thank you.
Our next question is from a listener in Trinidad and Tobago.
Trinidadian and Tobago.
How do I make my house inhospitable enough that my mother-in-law won't want to stay with us?
Ugh, mother-in-laws.
Am I right?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're right.
Everybody loves Raymond, am I right?
Where's Raymond?
Debra gave Raymond the figurine
Raymond where's the figurine I gave Debra
let me take this one
first
you want to make your house inhospitable to your mother-in-law
right
all you've got to do
is casually mention during dinner
that
you and her son are now open
in poly
and
I hope you don't mind while you're here
we're going to be interviewing people for our thirds and maybe our fourths.
Um,
and the interviews will be loud and then make sure you call her mama.
Like what's your work experience?
Like that?
Yes,
exactly like that.
Um,
and if that doesn't work,
um,
I think if you keep the house stocked with allergens specific to the mother-in-law,
that will scare her away.
Hmm.
You know?
Allergens are scary.
Yeah, sorry, I hope you like your new peanut-filled pillows.
She's like, I specifically asked you for chocolate almond-covered pillows.
Oh, I knew I messed something up.
So my solution is to lie.
Okay.
I would recommend if you want to keep your reputation with your mother-in-law still intact,
if you don't want to have your marriage sullied with extra people or the thought of extra people,
I would recommend a moat around your house with sharpened spears.
So there is a drawbridge because you got to get it out,
but it's a voice activated drawbridge.
A moat and a voice activated drawbridge with spears?
What about the HOA?
Oh, you're already, you're not in an HOA neighborhood.
Autonomy, baby.
Okay, so this is only going to help people who...
They don't have HOAs in Trinidad.
You've already declared yourself a sovereign citizen at this point.
Yeah.
So if anybody tries to voice activate,
because here's the trick with your voice activated mode.
the
because you'll say it'll be like a fun catchy phrase like open sesame right something winky
and just like open sesame like that voice but it's only for you and your partner who those are
the only voices that will actually lower the moat if somebody else tries to access it it'll lower
the bridge over the moat but the second someone else tries to walk on it spears will come down
like like wooden sticks that are sharpened at the edge like really primitive spears
you're like yeah i don't want my mother-in-law to think that i'm in a polyamorous relationship
but i will kill her well but you just pretend like it's like oh this was just i needed the
best security and this is such a good security system and we can't add another profile to it
we can't the max is too
even though it costs all this money that somehow
isn't allowed oh that's part of the reason
why it's such a good security system the more people that have
the key you know what I'm saying sorry
Trinamonian
sorry Bernice
wow
thank you
that was something else
so again yours a little more psychological
mine a little more physical
I'm going to try to be physical this next time
okay
join me won't you
The water over here is just fine.
Thank you.
This next question comes from a listener who is on a research boat in the Arctic Circle.
Whoa.
This listener wants to know.
Those ads really paid off.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Anyways.
what's the fastest way to get over an X
this is a tough one
there's obviously
time heals all wounds but you're asking for something faster than just regular
time
so this is what I'd recommend
go to
Indianapolis
where they drive
Indiana?
Yes, Indiana.
Where they drive
the
Indy 500.
Oh, that makes sense.
Find
one of those drivers
and ask him to give you a real fast rider
on the track.
And
at the same time
have a
clock with you or watch
that you
put double the amount of batteries in
so it moves twice as fast.
I didn't know you could just fit more batteries in the thing.
That's how watches work.
I didn't, sorry.
You are learning so much tonight.
Do the watches have teeth?
Yes, actually
they do in the gears.
They're called teeth.
um so the driver takes you around the track several times it's fun by the way you're doing
this it's fun you're going wee wee but you will get out of the car look at the watch and be like
whoa so much time has passed that was way like it felt fast but it went way way faster
so you will feel as if you have accelerated the amount of time since
you broke up with can i just have a question you're the one putting the extra batteries in
for the purpose of moving time faster and yet you will be surprised when you see that it has done so
no no so here i i'm sorry i didn't get i haven't had a chance to explain this part of it yet
you there are special sleeping pills that you take so the night before
you put one of the sleeping pills into the handle of your toothbrush
no joe this is real advice this so dedicated to the arctic circle go on
you there's a sleeping pill where it's kind of like you're roofing yourself but not really
like you get a nice and it's yourself so it's yourself who cares uh what are you gonna do
yeah um so you you have special instructions when you this is for specifically for getting
over an X. So it's like a kit that you buy with the watch and the extra batteries and the sleeping
pill. You take the sleeping pill, the sleeping pill starts to work. And then like, there's a
little alarm that goes off on the watch. You like tell the watch when you started it, right?
The alarm goes off on the watch. You put the extra batteries in and this happens right at the period
of time when the sleeping pill sets in where you're still awake and functional, but you're
not going to remember this part the next day. Hypnagogic. Yep. So then, yes, exactly. So then
you don't remember having put extra batteries in the watch. It also erases the memory of taking
the sleeping pill and buying the kit. And deletes the transaction from your bank account.
Yes. Wow, that's quite a kit you're selling. Well, I mean, sadly, people get dumped all the time.
they do speaking of dumped i have an idea okay you give them laxatives
okay um a lot of laxatives and you tell them you want to meet up and give them the last of their
stuff and then they show up and they do not feel well because of the laxatives and they
have to blow up the Starbucks bathroom.
As everyone knows, once you get the ick.
Wait, are you meeting them in Starbucks?
Yeah, because you need to be there
when you want them to disgust you.
So you've given them the laxatives
prior to the stuff exchange.
Yeah, you know all about their life.
You know how to get a laxative in that.
I'm just saying, at least in my experience,
As soon as someone does something like really gross to me or to me, you know, gross in the world.
It's very easy to like not like them anymore.
So if I was with someone and that happened, I'd be like, okay, thanks.
I needed that.
I'm up like up against the door.
He's really going off in there.
Well, got to go.
Okay.
So my kid only has lexatives, which we're reselling from the store.
And it comes with a video camera so you can record the whole thing in case you ever want to remember it again.
Actually, due to privacy laws, it only has a microphone, but that'll be enough.
Yeah.
Actually, this is interesting.
Yours was very mental and yours was actually physical.
I told you we were going to switch it up.
Yeah, you did.
Good job, you two.
Yeah, that mental thing of going in an Indy 500 car.
Well, the mental tricking yourself into thinking that time passes quickly.
Yeah, that's true.
All right.
What's our next question?
oh am i allowed to ask yes please well your our listeners are
only listeners let me guess this next one's from don't tell me madagascar yes are you kidding no
are you serious yes stop it no tell us where it's really from oh i believed you
it's from tasmania oh i was gonna say tunisia you devil i know so it's it's close but not
technically met. Okay, it's fine.
What's
the most productive
way I can tell my partner to just
shut up?
Ooh.
Okay.
Productive?
Effective, like
least
computational. No, no, no. What's the exact words of the submission?
What did they want to know? The submission said productive.
I would consider productive being
like maximizing results
but minimizing harm.
So like,
you don't want this to,
because you could just,
right now you could just say,
shut up,
but that's going to have some serious
effects on your relationship.
It's going to cause a whole lot of tension,
a lot of anger or whatever.
So if you're trying to avoid
having those problems,
yeah, what do you do?
I've got it.
Okay.
You give them a sleeping pill?
Nightly.
a sleeping pill and a half.
And when they're fully out,
you take a little chisel and a hammer
and you do one to two good whacks on their jaw
so that over time you break the jaw.
But it's never so much all at once.
And you do this in a few places.
Now you're the supportive partner.
Oh, babe, your jaw hurts?
What?
Let me see.
Oh, it does look a little swollen.
Huh?
I'll make you an appointment.
Hey, hey, I'm with you.
You looks maxing?
You heard that?
The looks maxing people that break their jaw?
Yeah.
I can make that joke.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I'll put that in my pocket.
You looks maxing, babe?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't joke.
You look like you're in pain.
Hmm.
Anyway.
You looks maxed like you're in pain.
We go to the doctor.
Of course, there's multiple fractures.
We don't know how this happened.
Whoops.
Now his jaw has to be wired shut.
for probably six weeks.
Guess who
just shut up
on medical orders?
Jesus Christ.
You didn't know that's where this was going?
No, I knew, but I didn't realize you were going to go with
wired shut. I thought it was just like,
let's talk a little less.
Don't work out
your mouth as much.
Are you at all
concerned that they'll be extra chatty
when the wires come off because
they have six weeks worth of shit to talk about.
No, I'm going to buy them a whiteboard and a marker.
But then you're actually spending more time listening to their thoughts
because it takes longer for them to write them out.
You're right.
I'll give them my email address.
They currently don't have it.
Right, yeah.
So you've got to relent or make a burner account or something
and give them that.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to say, wait until you have three things to tell me,
then put it in an email,
and then delete two of the things that aren't as cool as the third thing.
Yeah.
So to wrap things up, I only want one thing at a time.
Yeah.
I love you.
I think that would work at least for six weeks.
That's what?
We start all over again.
Whoops.
Oh, no.
Your jaw's breaking again.
Munchausen by Chisel.
Well, I think this has been a very successful Dr. Truth.
I don't get to say how I would stop.
someone oh see you're just you're just so good i thought you had answered already
so i would put a full page ad in a newspaper the newspaper that i knew my partner read
that you news oh you nobody better break your jaw
Um, and nobody gonna slow you down.
Oh, uh, I would then, the ad would be world's greatest silent contest.
Anyone open to the whole world, but prize $10 million.
dollars but it's worldwide you're opening this up to the whole world
yeah well because the great thing about this is there's no way to prove
i think that there is because there's strict rules about contests it's
it's not a real contest but the newspaper believes it is i'm going to in the tiniest
little print possible there's going to be a the a little like asterisk at the bottom that says
parody, this isn't real. So it covers me
legal. What if your significant other
sees that? They're going to be... No, no, no, no.
I will break their reading glasses.
And it'll just be
huge. And plus, they are
so excited. They want
$10 million. I mean, who doesn't want $10
million? But the problem is,
it's like, okay, all of our
submissions, it's going to go, and it lasts
as long as there someone that still being silent And where does this information How do they know they know who still playing Well that the thing They just have to appeal to
So every day they check in and they're like,
is the contest still on?
They're checking in with the newspaper
and what Jenna didn't tell you
and why she's able to get away with these rules
is that she's doing all of this in an underdeveloped country
in Europe, so she doesn't have to deal with
the U.S. Gaming Commission.
So she can get around those rules
and she can just bribe the editor-in-chief of the local newspaper.
Oh, that underdeveloped European country.
Yeah, I don't know, like Kosovo.
That's a country, I think.
Yeah, it is.
It sounds like Kokomo.
But so regardless, it's everyday check-in.
And then if they're like,
no, the contest is like a number that you could call.
The contest is still on.
Oh, good.
You don't have to talk to get the information.
It's a recording.
Yeah.
You just, it's like when you call to get like the time.
It'd be funny if when you first call, it's like, um, hello, are you calling about the
contest?
And then like a beat and it's like, ah, I almost got you.
Listen after the beep.
And then, so then it, you like every single day, oh, I guess you can't talk then.
Ooh, sorry, but we really need that $10 million.
What?
Oh, no, no, don't tell me.
Yeah.
So then.
But what about your relationship?
because when they find out this isn't true,
they're going to be totally inconsolable.
They're never going to find out
because the contest never ends.
Contest never ends
because there's still always one person.
So like literally it could be like
anyone that's playing,
if they die,
they think they died with the contest still going.
Plus,
how are they going to tell other people about this contest?
They can't.
Wow.
Okay, that's interesting.
Yeah.
so anyway
and the prize money was so high
and yet I am the only one who
willingly opted into this contest
even though it was worldwide
for 10 million dollars
that's the thing is it's like we don't know who the other participants are
yeah plus the small font
yeah plus that small font
so and I know this about my partner
they don't read fine print
that's fair
so anyway
that's how I do it
now
now it's been a very successful segment
of Dr. Truth
thank you Dr. Truth
you're welks
you're welcome
aren't we Dr. Truth
thank us
thank you us
thank you
us
alright
it's time for our final segment
the big
question.
The question is very big.
Do you have one for me?
No. I have one for you. Okay, good.
Thank you. Thank you for messing with me, though.
Of course. It's fun.
Here's my question. Guess what?
Guess what, Juby?
You have just been selected
to start a new company.
Ah!
Yeah, you have all this money. I'm done with this
voice. You have all this money.
And you have been tasked
with starting a new restaurant franchise.
Yeah.
It can be fast food or sit down.
You have to have a concept.
What's special about it?
And what do you serve?
I don't need a whole menu.
I just need an idea.
And I need a name.
And $1 million in seed capital to get it started.
Well, as soon as I win this contest.
The one you just lost?
Oh, no.
No.
It's a terrible thing to have a podcast when you're in this contest.
Contest.
It would be called.
Grandma's.
kitchen grandma's grandma's kitchen no just grandma's okay i added the kitchen i was thinking
his grandma's enough grandma's kitchen yes um this is how it would work fuck is your word grandma
you'll find out okay
so it would essentially um you know how like like super nice restaurants like comb people
social media and their ponies. Yes. And comb their ponies. Um, that they, they like try to
find out things about them to like give like nice targeted targets. Like, yeah, yeah. This restaurant
for every customer that came in would have a different menu for each customer.
i love it it would only have one item and it would be whatever the most comforting dish from
that person's childhood is they're not allowed to order anything else it's just like what's the
meal that you love the most as a child and so everybody goes there and everybody gets a different
experience because everyone has a different dish that although there's probably a lot of dishes
that get repeated sure yeah you're never gonna know yeah um so it would be a comfort place uh that's
uh yeah that's like well curated and then it would be so i know what you're thinking it would be
This is a lot of legwork to do for a restaurant.
But it'll be worth it because, I mean, everybody that comes in is going to have this like insane nostalgia and and overwhelming warmth.
And this feeling of just like this was the most comforting, like soothing meal of my life.
and then word gets around and then it's like a firestorm
and then everyone suddenly wants to pay to be part of this.
So it pays for itself.
There's a little bit up front that it doesn't.
Yeah, and when you're checking out,
there could be a give us $1 extra just to help option.
Yeah.
Help grandmas grandmas.
Yeah, so.
I think it would take off personally.
I would go because I want to see what my special.
Right.
You don't even know.
That's the other thing is it's,
it is,
it's revealing to you because unless you've come right out and been like,
this is the thing that I love the most from my childhood.
It could be like a surprise.
You'd be like,
Oh,
like I haven't actually specifically said,
what are they going to give me?
So I'm going to stop that.
There's not even a menu.
You just get served an item when you come in.
this is a winner thank you grandma's kitchen grandma's kitchen and
is kitchen my word no uh you'll be catching up real quick if that was the case i can't help
myself but repeat it great job yeah thank you and i i really think yeah that everyone would want to
go i would because like even if it's something like chinese buffet was your favorite meal as a
child, there would be a little Chinese buffet set up just for you.
But there is no, I don't want to say the K word again.
There's none of that, but people are just finding out what you want and then running
out to another restaurant and getting it and bringing it back.
No, the thing is our staff is talented enough.
And really, like I said, there's, there's probably the number of unique comfort dishes
from someone's childhood are, there's not going to be that many.
You're going to get a lot of Mac Mac and cheeses.
Oh yeah.
um my comfort meal was 10 soft tacos supremes from taco bell was there something nine not
comforted 11 too many it was a 10 for 10 deal ah man yeah i said beg for it francis what's your
secret special restaurant my secret special restaurant yeah mine is your grandma's grandma's
kitchen i'm not saying that again just in case um i think it would be um
a jungle nope i take it back it's not a jungle i don't know the pita persuasion
or a rain foresty type look yeah that's what i was like nope that's already been done um my
my solution to this is um it's it's movie themed and it changes
um like quarterly right so like you go in and it's like everything's like die hard
you know and like even some people are talking like die hard you know they get other tables
not everyone's a customer but it's all like the scene then they'll change and then next
quarters can be a totally different movie.
And like, if it's Titanic, it's like, it's an
emergency. Like you're being served, but like people
are like running by and like life jackets and
stuff and screaming,
you know, and like maybe the floor is
tilted a little. You know how those, they
have those like restaurants where the floor
goes in a circle for like 90 minutes. Maybe
this is like tilting. And then by the time
you, your stuff is moving, you have to
leave.
So it's just an immersive.
There's a little to go
bag at the downward slope.
it's time for you to go slides yeah and that'd be fun hmm yeah i love a good themed restaurant
oh if it was like the movie seven like your doggy bag could be a box yeah what's in the box
you can't open it take it home
weird ass theme i was gonna do schindler's list yeah hey see it's for when you're on a diet
you don't need to eat that much
yeah
yeah I love a good theme
yeah I was going to call it movie munch
the word
that word is
is it reserved
no it's just
but I don't know
I don't know if it's
an appetizing word
too teethy
Hmm.
Not tuby enough.
Well, I think Grandma's Kitchen and your movie restaurant are...
Don't do it like that.
No, I'm doing it like that.
What about Movie Mouth?
Movie Mouth?
Yeah.
I don't know.
What about Mouth Munch?
What about Swallow Cinema?
Well, you know, we'll figure it out.
Yeah, we can workshop that.
We'll hack it in post.
Great.
Well, I think we've successfully answered the big question.
The big question.
One final bit of business, Francis.
What would that be, Joobs?
Secret word time.
I got to be honest with you.
Okay.
I was not doing a good job of monitoring your speech the way I should have been.
Oh.
I have a few guesses and I don't think I've gotten.
Okay, well, I love to hear that.
So go ahead.
Is your word assaulted?
No.
Allergens?
No.
Concept?
No.
Okay, my last guess.
Is it munch?
No.
Okay.
For someone who didn't monitor my speech, you sure had a lot of guesses written down.
No.
my word are you ready yeah my word was anorexia oh
that was a long one yeah and my decoy word was inconsolable
what i'm what i'm trying to remember when wait when did you say anorexia i remember when you
said you were eating yes that's right yes that's right oh i should have guessed guillotine um but
No, that actually did occur to me.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hearing the correct word, you think in retrospect.
Well, no, that's what I'm talking about.
I should have heard the word guillotine, and that should have been one of my guesses.
Okay.
Yes, okay.
And then inconsolable.
Yeah.
When did you say that?
When you were talking about the contest that you made up,
and I said when they found out they'd be inconsolable.
Yes, yeah.
Oh, really?
All right, my turn.
Okay.
I'm scared.
Is it grandma?
No.
Oh, thank God.
Is it kitchen?
Nope.
Thank goodness.
All right, let's get to the meat.
The first thing I wrote down was bleach.
No, you can't drink bleach.
That's not it.
No.
Let's just get yourself a big mug of bleach.
Don't do it.
Curl up next to your favorite speaker and listen to our podcast.
Right now at grandma's kitchen.
that was my favorite meal as a child
yeah
what if someone goes to grandma's kitchen
and they just have like a little thing of toothpaste
and that was their comfort meal
was it you?
no
anonymously
nope
ketchup
nope
Indianapolis
no
legwork
nope
moat
Nope.
These are all regular ideas that I had.
Drawbridge.
Nope.
Firestorm.
That was my decoy word.
You had a bunch.
Yeah, you flew too close to the sun, my friend.
Got burned.
Which I'm pretty sure legwork was a secret word on a prior episode.
Was it?
I think so.
Damn it.
All right, what was your word?
My word was generating.
and you know my decoy word was firestorm you know that because you guessed it oh yeah you got a
point i got a point one point for jubes oh yeah well i still am losing but i need to stop that
you're gonna win um yeah well uh all in all i feel pretty good about that i saw you write down
Firestorm after I said it. I was like, thank God.
I hope he doesn't say, I think this is your decoy.
I'm feeling pretty good right now.
Whatever.
No contest
for $10 million from me.
I'm going to speak all I want.
Me too.
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
Well.
That's why I chose to speak, I guess.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you.
Go to veryfinefriends.com if you want to see the
point total.
And follow us on social media at Very Fine Friends.
Joe, did you find legwork in the past paperwork?
That was only from episode 10.
I'm pretty sure it was in an early episode.
An earlier episode? Okay.
I think it was like six or seven.
Bye, everyone.
Bye.