I saw a new phrase today online. Are you familiar with the term Irish goodbye?
Is that where you just leave?
Yeah. So yeah, for our listeners at home, it's called an Irish goodbye when you're like at a
party or something and uh you just leave without saying goodbye to anybody uh i'm a big fan of
this tactic personally well there are rules to that oh okay like there has to be enough people
at the event that your exit goes by unnoticed right yeah you can't just like get up from like
you can't be like francis's neighbor and just get up and walk out completely completely noticed
uh well anyway the danish have a term for it which i like better than irish goodbye
the danish call it taking the rat taxi why do they call it this i don't know but it's their
term for leaving a party without saying goodbye to anybody if you had to justify the name what
would you say you're a rat for doing that so you're getting out of there you're taking the rat taxi
oh the rat taxi's here it's here to take the rats out of the party
okay because people like i like doing that i like taking the rat taxi but i know people don't like it
when it happens to them i wonder how they culturally how the danish feel about rats because
that could um yeah maybe they love it maybe they love them yeah i do picture a little rat driving a
taxi that might be why there's two taxis and people use them as shoes and they drive them away
yeah straddling both taxis yep yeah that has to be it that's gotta be it the shoes each have a
little sidecar attached to them i was thinking there was like a big rod connecting them so they
don't get like too far off yeah yeah stay together but the rod is just a shoelace
yes feet shoulder with the bark if you had to come up with your own term for
leaving without notice what would it be oh um i should have known you would ask me this
question. Yeah, you should have.
What the goddamn hell? Well, do you have a term?
You come up with what I should have known you'd ask me after I asked you.
Yeah. Let's see.
Let's do a play on peeping Tom. Tom's no longer peeping.
Sleeping Tom. Why a play on peeping
Tom? Because he's not looking at the party anymore. He's leaving.
I like the idea that in your mind, when you're at a party, you're just being pervy.
So when you leave that party, you stop being pervy.
Sneaking Tom.
Sneaking away.
Reverse delivery.
Car dash.
Car dash?
Yeah.
Instead of door dash, instead of running to the door, you're running to your car.
Car dash.
sounds like the name of a famous like indian executive producer or something
kardash oh the kardashians now i don't like it oh oh wow i was right there yeah i called a
kardashian to pick me up i kardash'd yeah i don't know their number so sleeping tom
tom's taking the rat taxi home to sleep you say ain't no rat taxi
throw in a
like
I was thinking of like two sheets to the wind
so like sheet throwing
sheet tossing
sheet cape
because you're going so fast the sheet becomes
a cape in the wind
it's also like
sheet cake
which they often have at parties
they do, only the good ones
when I go into a party and there's no sheet cake
not only do I leave, I overturn furniture
Oh, so they're very aware of your exit and why you're leaving.
And I'm screaming no sheet cake as I turn over the couch.
I'm taking the rat taxi.
I've already called it.
What do you do?
What do you call, what would be a phrase for a dramatic exit from a party?
So the opposite of an Irish goodbye, the opposite of taking the rat taxi.
Oh, well now I feel like sheet tossing is that one.
And I need to come up with a new name for leaving quietly.
Yeah.
Um, Gasper.
Gasper, the angry host.
Yeah, I think that's it.
All right.
Welcome to very fine friends.
Podcast for friends.
Talk about stuff.
Sugar crush.
Yeah.
Still having fun with our, our new podcasting toy.
um well i like your bracelet francis you do yeah thanks someone this is so interesting
i don't know francis has a blue and green bracelet on right now yeah and it's youthful
it is youthful it looks fun it looks summery it's made of rubber it's made of it looks like a
summertime like i could you wear this at the beach you could you could totally i wear it in the shower
you know this reminds of those little rubber bands that they put on orthodontia yes yeah so let me
tell you where I got it. Okay. A coworker of mine sent me a shirt. He's like, Oh, do you,
he had these braces and now he's just punched him real quick. And I made a bracelet. Um,
he sent me a shirt cause I was like, he's like, Oh, I have an extra like branded shirt if you
want it. So he's like, he mailed it to me and in the package was this bracelet and it has the
letter F on it. Wow. But I'm like, how did he get it in the package? Did he, does he package these?
He might have made it and given it to you.
But it was in the package with the shirt that was sealed.
The fuck?
Was it like just like a little like stick him?
No.
No?
No, it was a full-blown seal.
Wow.
So maybe he has a sealing machine.
Maybe.
That's an unusual thing to own for the average person.
It seems like the kind of thing you would own.
I have one.
I knew it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
So you also do this then?
So you would like seal clothing into plastic bags to keep them fresh?
Well, I don't use it for that.
I could.
What do you use yours for?
Other packaging items.
Oh, okay.
Are you going to incriminate yourself if you tell us what you use this for?
No.
Quick interruption.
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
And right before we die, we add up all the points.
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
Jenna's secret word is marathon.
Jenna's decoy word is stalking.
Francis's secret word is destitute.
Francis's decoy word is anarchy.
back to the pod.
Moving on.
Well, cool. Super cool.
That's nice of him to have given you a little bracelet.
Yeah, and you know what? Jenna has a nice bracelet on too.
It was actually a gift from Joe, if I recall.
It was. It was a Christmas gift from Joe,
and I hadn't had a chance to wear it recently,
and I was like, I want to look fancy.
I'm going to wear my nice bracelet.
Thank you, baby.
Yes, good.
You guys don't even need me anymore.
Well, no, that's not true because you know what does not come preloaded into our roadcaster?
The invention of the week.
Inventions.
Hey, Jenna.
Hey.
You know how it's getting hot again?
I do know that.
Do you know how that sucks?
I do know that.
You know how we give almost anything to be cool?
I do know that.
Well, then strap yourself down because you are going to love this.
Okay, I'm strapped.
She's in there.
Oh, no, there's a fire.
What do I do?
Oh, no.
What do I save?
Whatever your cooling invention is will help me around the fire.
You would think that would logically follow, but it doesn't.
I was just being stupid.
Okay.
But check this out.
Okay.
It's really cool.
Okay.
I can't wait for it to be really cool.
So I was thinking to myself, God, I hate being outside, but sometimes you have to be outside.
And I went to the Renaissance Festival recently.
I told you this and I was 105 plus degrees and I bought a neck fan.
Yeah.
And it didn't do shit.
Yeah.
And I was like, what the hell?
Yeah.
This is all internal.
I know.
While they were jousting, this isn't doing shit.
What the hell?
Please stop the joust.
I need to make an announcement.
Anyway, check this.
My invention this week is, how do I explain this?
You're on the sidewalk.
Yeah.
It's hot as balls.
Luckily for you, there is my invention, which is something that goes,
it's like you step into you know there's like tents that are like they're on like sticks and
then there's like a tent yeah most of it's kind of exposed it's like that but the sticks are on
wheels and it's not fully exposed there's like see-through plastic walls and it's an air
conditioned traveling pergola that you move with you it's like a baby bumper for adults that covers
you completely you can see out of it and lets you walk down the sidewalk completely encapsulated
by wonderful air conditioning.
Okay.
I'm, for some reason,
the first thing that pops into my head
is in the karate kid at the Christmas party
when he goes as like the bathtub with the curtain.
I don't know if that is pulling an image up for me.
Oh.
Yeah, I'll check it out.
Okay.
Keep going.
Yeah.
But anyway, that's sort of, but okay.
My first thought is, wouldn't it be large?
Like, what if you had a whole bunch of people walking around the street?
Or did you just pull up the picture?
Yeah, it's like that.
It's like that with a roof.
Yeah.
Wouldn't that take up a lot of space?
Some.
Keep in mind, there are fat people already taking up space, so it's nothing new.
Well.
It's just not a person, it's equipment.
I'm assuming it would be a little harder to maneuver her with your pergola.
You know what I think would happen?
Hmm.
People would get out of the way and go around you.
Or they would have one and there would be a line.
Okay.
I don't...
Okay.
We'll put the question of how big is it to the side.
how how are how is it keeping you cool what is it is there like a mister inside you said it's
air conditioned yeah it's air conditioned i never said to mister and i wouldn't say mister because
some people get perms and they can't have that yeah also they're going to work you don't want
to show up wet well no i agree but i mean but now i'm thinking so what you have like a little motor
with its electricity?
Yeah, it's solar-powered.
Okay.
To take advantage of that.
How heavy is this motor, this air conditioner?
Well, keep in mind it's on wheels,
so the weight's really not an issue.
And inside it has two traveling sticks
that you can hold onto as you move.
Okay.
How portable is this thing?
Super and highly portable.
How?
The wheels.
no no no i mean not portable while you're using it like let's say you get out of your car
you're going to the renaissance festival you have to unpack this from your car
oh i set it up i see i see i see yeah yeah like i'm thinking like like a stroller yeah
like a stroller yeah but let me explain the legs of which there are four
fold.
They collapse like a blind stick.
Like a what?
You know, like a walking stick.
Oh, a blind stick.
Yeah So like but then when you pull them together there a lock so they don they can just collapse on you when you open it up So basically it folds in half So picture this
And audience, my hands are together because I'm the device.
It opens up because the motor's always right there, right?
So it's collapsed to the width of the motor of the air conditioner.
And then you open it, and it's slightly wider than you,
and then you expand the sticks
and then you set it on the ground
and you can go where you want to go.
Okay.
Could this be used for more than one person?
We have different sizes,
but to respect the sidewalks,
you have to be single file,
so you have to be behind the person walking.
So you could just have a really long one?
Yeah, like a caterpillar model?
Yeah.
Or like one of those Chinese dragons that they do at parades and like Chinese New Year and stuff.
Mm-hmm.
You know what I'm talking about?
Invariably, I do.
Okay.
So, any other questions?
I just keep thinking that this is just too, there's no way this isn't obtrusive.
it's not, it's, it's half the width of a sidewalk that,
but I mean, you get people, you know, people on sidewalks, they got places to go.
Um, and there's a lot of hustle and bustle. Uh, people, people don't really, okay, here's another
thing let's say you got one coming at you the opposite direction and there's one you're behind
one and you can't pass and like let's say the people inside are slow that would be really
frustrating you'd be stuck behind them yeah on the back of the device there's a qr code you can scan
and it gives you a discount if you buy one if you were delayed by the people in front of you
well but why would you want one of those if you can see if in real time you're like this thing's
annoying the shit out of me. Yeah, I know. I want a discount to buy one.
Well, you're forgetting you're hot. So it's first it says, are you hot
and angry? Click on the QR code.
But I
I don't know. People, if people are hot and angry on the
sidewalk, they're treating that situation like a sprint,
not a marathon.
They want to get wherever they're going as fast as possible.
Right.
So they're not going to stop to get QR codes and just hope that having one
themselves will take away the annoyance right now.
Okay.
You remember those coupon dispensers that they used to have at stores when you
walk by and it would stick out a coupon.
Yeah.
We can have one of those just attached to every device.
Yeah.
And they could be say different things.
Like what?
Thanks for walking by.
Appreciate your patience.
Oh, so it's not even dispensing savings.
No, it does.
It says thank you, and then it says,
here's a $5 coupon to Dairy Queen.
Get a Blizzard.
Oh, so we're giving away discounts.
It's a partnership because Dairy Queen also wants you to be cool.
And the top flaps can say Dairy Queen.
So what about Rocco's Modern Life?
You know it, baby.
Oh, Wallaby cool.
We got to write that down.
As a name?
Yeah.
Too cool to be hot.
I like that too.
Frigid bitch.
What other names do we have?
Let's hear it, Joe.
Hot and happy.
H2.
Oh.
it's my own thing don't worry about it too cool to be what was that cool to be hot too cool to be
hot well that will make people think well you're definitely not going to look hot in one of these
things well you're not let's be real second how much privacy are you afforded in one of these
the flaps come in different opaque levels okay are you worried about what people will be doing
inside of their little moving tents is
motivated. Get your own. Take a coupon.
I'm worried that you're going to get some real creepy adults.
They're just wandering around. They could stay outside all day long because it's air conditioned.
They're just like doing there. I think that's fine because
really. Well, here's the thing. There's always going to be creepy
adults. Yeah, but at least
now they're in a
secret private room.
Who cares what they're doing?
A secret private mobile room.
They can
just walk behind you.
Oh, right this.
Frigid Pharaoh. Remember how they
used to carry the Pharaohs?
Right?
Mia Pharaoh.
That's a Pharaoh.
us okay yeah you would so here's here's the thing you're you don't have to worry about maybe
you don't need to worry about having this in your own car these could be like those line bikes out
and about and you could just take one and then leave it wherever you drop it off see a pergola
take a pergola god i hope that's not your word let's see um again but one of the things about
those scooters is that they're everywhere they're abandoned till they're used i've abandoned my
scooter um no the no they just like get left on the side of the road and like
like that not at regular drop off pickup points.
Maybe my thing's better than that thing.
Maybe my thing is bigger and more unwieldy when it's 110 outside.
Trust me.
You're going to want the solstice shade.
Isn't this going to just,
aren't they all going to,
okay,
well I think you need to own them.
I don't think that they can be a kind of pick them up because otherwise,
especially, you know, in hot, hotter climbs, like we like that climbs shit.
Sugar crush. Oh no, no.
Okay. So in hotter areas, um, it could,
there's going to be a lot of people, let's say, that
don't have houses or places with air conditioning to go.
Are you referring to the destitute population of the homeless?
Yes, I am.
They're listeners. I wanted to be nice to them.
This is free, isn't it?
Yeah.
And we do drive by downtown with a boombox.
Yeah.
The car with two speakers on top, just playing it.
I have very fine friends.
yeah i really hope that's not it
okay i still think this is wildly unwieldy and it's just gonna it will look hilarious though
just to see like a little moving box going down moving litter yeah yeah especially if it's to get
like the family one the family pack it's like really long the caterpillar yeah or the worm
yep side box instead of sidewalks oh we can spell it b-a-l-k yeah because people will be
barking at you as you pass by in it well will people take these indoors like i know park it
there'll be parking spaces for them i thank you for giving me a look like i'm insane yeah you
dumbass instead of handicap spaces there will be litter spaces oh good so we're getting rid of
Pantycap spaces.
Good job.
I did say instead of, didn't I?
Yeah.
People will bring like chains wherever they go
so they can like lock it around something.
Maybe you can have an ignition.
You have to have a key.
No, I'm imagining how funny it would be
to have someone chasing after another person
in their litter as they're running away with it.
But you're sweating and you can't make it
and you fall down.
But yeah, and they're nice and cool.
Yeah.
advantage thief yeah
yeah advantage thief
hot thief
you say write that down yeah
okay I'm writing hot thief down
thanks
okay just to
just to recap we got
wallaby cool
frigid bitch
hot and happy
too cool to be hot
frigid pharaoh like that one side box
hot thief i was i couldn't read my own handwriting for a second
hot thief i love this i like frigid bitch yeah it's fun it's winky yeah okay
I think, uh, uh, okay. Well, I, I'm sure this will be on sidewalks everywhere.
Totally. Starting very soon. Yeah. It'll be ubiquitous. Probably.
Probably, uh, soon as this episode airs. So go to very fine friends.com.
get one
yeah get one
they're going to be there
and you can get as many branded kinds as you want
we accept American Express as well
if you
want
we'll have discount
you can either have a branded one which will cost a little more
or if you want to have one that has
advertising on it for something else
or if you want to be a
walking Dairy Queen
discount giver
you can do that too
Or you can send in a, uh, upload a picture.
And as long as you promise you own it legally, we can print it on the canvas for more money.
Yeah.
So go to very fine friends.com and order your frigid bitch today.
That wraps up the invention of the week.
Okay.
So, uh, I feel like Francis,
I just would like to point out,
listeners won't know this,
but we can tell in studio,
you and I are real suspicious today
with our words.
I think it's because we're really close in points.
Yeah.
Listeners, anytime you hear
a three-second silence
and nothing funny has been said,
that's because Jenna or Francis
is looking at the other one with narrow eyes.
Anytime Francis said something
and then I just go,
that's me writing down a word
because I suspiciously, I am suspicious of him.
As you should be.
Yeah.
I already have a whole bunch of words written down.
I know you do.
As do I.
Last time, we were more than halfway through the episode
and I forgot that I was supposed to even be thinking about it.
Not today, Satan.
All right.
Well, on that note, it's time for our next segment.
Interview with a man hired.
From author Anne Rice, we give you interview with a man hired.
Damn, I'm good.
Cold for laughter.
this segment francis and i will be interviewing for jobs and boy we hope we get them yeah
come on in oh hi hi i'm sorry sorry well can i start over again can i start over again well
you never get a second chance at a first impression or do I,
Ooh,
he's bold.
Yes.
Okay.
I'll bite.
Hi,
how are you?
Oh,
hello.
Shake it.
Ooh.
Oh,
firm.
Uh huh.
Very firm.
That's how I like my mattresses to have a seat.
Hmm.
Oh,
I see you bought.
I prefer to stand.
Oh,
Hmm.
Okay.
Yeah.
Let me just get the chair out of here then.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Um,
I guess I'll stand too.
Ha, I'm starting a trend.
I love that.
That's one thing you'll get to know about me as I'm a, I'm a leader.
I'm a trendsetter.
What's your name?
Dick Rickman Dick Rick Oh we already have a Dick Rickman No you don Hold on one second Beep Kathy fire Dick Rickman one
Dick Rickman's been fired.
Thanks, Joel.
Well.
Yeah.
I make sure to clear the way of all other Dick Rickmans when I interview for a job.
Great.
Well, I have your resume here, but there's nothing on it.
That's right.
Because as far as I'm concerned, nothing came before your company and there will be nothing after it.
My history doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is the here, the now, with you, with your company.
Wow, pretty strong feelings for an STD clinic.
What can I say?
I love what you do.
Love it.
Okay, all right.
I love the enthusiasm.
Makes me think I got a real guy here.
You're a guy, right?
Oh, does this answer your question?
Just kidding.
I'm not about to whip out big dick.
That's what I call my penis.
I'm little dick.
It's okay.
We know this is a safe space, but as long as whatever makes you comfortable.
Thank you.
We do have some practical exercises for all of our interviewees.
I hope you don't mind participating.
Not at all.
Okay. Well, the first task is for you to deliver bad news to me and constructive criticism because we want to make sure people have, you know, the right communication skills.
Okay.
Whenever you're ready.
Listen, Mr. Thompson, there's no easy way to say this.
I've been sleeping with your wife.
I want you to know
We took full use of your clinic
Ahead of time
We're both clean
She didn't pass you anything
I would never do that to you
Now
She would like to still be married to you
She just wants to keep sleeping with me on the side
And I know
Man to man
I'm looking in your eyes
And I can tell
That you respect that
You will respect her wishes
And that you don't mind
that she's nicknamed my penis Mr. Thompson.
He doesn't like big dick.
She likes Mr. Thompson as the name of my penis.
So anyway, that's the news.
That's interesting.
Normally people keep it work-related.
That was fresh.
That was new.
Hmm, that's right.
It was about my wife.
And I'll leave it to you to figure out whether or not
that was real bad news I was delivering
or just something for this hypothetical.
goal. Thank you, Mr.
Altman,
Ackman, Dick Rickman.
Rickman. Yes.
By the way,
tell Gina
the enchiladas she made last night were great.
Wow. Full commitment.
Her name is Gina. Yeah. Oh, I know.
Beep.
Call my wife and tell her that she
needs to be somewhere else when I get home.
Thanks.
She's already played
and I'm being somewhere else. Mr.
Thompson. Thank you. Uh, let's see. Do I have any other questions for you?
Hmm. When can I start? Uh, do you have any, um, any, any issues that might make hiring you a
problem? I'm asking about weaknesses, quirks, diseases. I can't, I can't ask about diseases,
but you can offer. Well, as my papa old Dick Rickman senior used to say,
only one weakness that a man can have and that's not given the world his strength
i do not have that weakness so i have no weaknesses oh let me write that down also herpes
no weaknesses or herpes no i do have herpes oh gonna scratch that one out i found out at your
clinic.
When did you find this out?
On my way in.
Got handed these results on my way in.
Oh.
Beep.
Remember to get tested for herpes?
Thanks, Joel.
The giant sore on your face tells me you have it, Mr. Thompson.
Women are funny.
So, well, I'm frazzled.
You frazzled and bedazzled me.
I'll tell you what.
We'll give you a call.
To tell me when I start?
To tell you if you start.
I don't know how it works at the last place.
You didn't work according to your resume,
but we have a lot of primo candidates.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Unless you can do something right now to blow my socks off.
I don't know.
Can you cure herpes?
Well, you tell me.
Do you consider laughter medicine?
Goochie, goochie, goochie, goochie, goochie, goochie.
Oh, my God, it fell off.
You're hired.
Welcome, little dick.
Well, thank you very much, Mr. Thompson.
Hi, come on in.
Oh, hi.
Thanks.
Hey.
Thank you.
hi hi hi can it is it okay to make eye contact oh yeah yeah no no don't be don't be nervous
don't be nervous oh why hi i don't bite why would you say that though scary no because i don't you
don't bite do yeah things that bite don't usually announce that they bite my last boss bit me
did he tell you he bit what bites before he bit you no he just bit me it was during an annual
performance review. Oh, currently I have a lawsuit going on. It's called Liz pendens.
That means lawsuit bending. Oh, I learned that from my lawyer. Okay. Um, so you're litigious.
I prefer the term Sue happy. Sue happy. Okay. I guess that's a fun spin on it. Yeah. I don't
want to be taken advantage of. So I hope that's not what you're trying to do. Oh no. Um, this was,
this is a voluntary interview.
You applied.
I did not seek you out.
Oh, got a little high pitch on that last one.
You scared me a little bit.
Are you getting mad?
No.
You want to bite me?
Do you, I'm sorry, do you,
do you or do you not want to be bitten?
I don't.
No.
Good.
All right, good.
Well, there will be no biting.
Okay.
Here's my CV.
Oh, yeah.
Curriculum vitae.
Very good.
Oh, you have a whole section here for previous arrests.
Yes, I do.
That was not something we were asking for.
Well, I figured it was going to come up on the background.
We don't generally do too rigorous of a background check here at PetSmart.
Oh, ooh.
Why?
You have multiple arrests for stalking?
And perversion.
Oh, oh, that's right.
Sorry, I didn't make it past stalking.
Perversion.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Regular stalking, just so you know, is super common.
But stalking and perversion is very rare.
Is that like breaking and entering?
like they go they go together they don't they don't know yeah basically like here's an example
you might follow someone that you're interested in home and if they turn around and see you you
stick your time and go that's one way to be it wait is that the perversion part yeah you got to
add a little something oh like a little grab and honk are you familiar with that term no is that is
that is that a fun little term like sue happy yeah it's grabbing honk yeah yeah yeah it's pretty
self-explanatory. Yeah. Yeah. So just so you know, I invent things because that crime wasn't on the
books until I invented it. Ooh, trendsetter. Yeah. Write that down and put it in subscript and big
script. See those words are font terms. So as you know, I know Microsoft office suite. Oh, good,
good, good, good, good, good. Well, I have access to personal health information of sexy coworkers.
Wait, Oh, of coworker. We have access to your own. And I suppose, I mean, I can't stop someone.
if you ask them, I would prefer maybe you not ask them.
If you know someone well enough that you could ask them in a friendly way,
yeah, you could do that.
Okay, I like to hear that because the last place I worked was like total anarchy.
Total anarchy, like everyone was asking everybody all the time?
Yeah, no one knew what to say.
Whoa, so what did you say?
I stood up and I said, as head pervert, follow me.
Oh, how many people followed you?
No, nobody
Oh, so
I actually got
I got fired for
For declaring
Self-pervertedness
That's when I came up with the crime
Yeah
They didn't know
I was trying to
Oh
So you arrested yourself for this crime
Stalking and perversion
I turned myself
First I stalked
I perverted
And then I called the police
And I said, whoops
Oh, you perverted first
Yes
Oh, that's interesting
And then
You subtly follow people afterwards?
Yes.
Oh.
So you're openly very perverted to them,
and then you follow them.
Isn't stalking more effective if you just,
they don't know who you are, or they don't know?
When you make someone uncomfortable,
it makes following them more fun.
Yeah, because now they're en garde.
That's a French term?
Oh.
Oh, now they're en garde.
Like they're fencing
Yes, you should write down multilingual
Okay
I also know the word for cheese
Oh, what's that?
Quesarito
In French?
Yes, it's the southern France term for cheese
Beautiful language
It's, yeah, gorgeon
It's French for gorgeous
Oh, multilingual
Great, I'm learning so much about stalking
And perversion, mostly perversion
Tell me more about that
Well, it started when I was 15
And I went to Goodwill and there was a donation box
That they hadn't checked in yet and it was full of underwear
So you're a charitable fellow, Goodwill
Oh yes, I think you said terrible
No charitable
No judgment during the interview please
No, no, no, I wouldn't dare
Yeah, so I, well no, I was going to steal actually
because I felt like it.
Sometimes you feel like stealing.
Sometimes you do.
And honestly, Goodwill, everything there is so cheap.
It's like you're not really stealing anything.
Yeah, plus they got it for free.
You're going to file a complaint.
You got it for free.
Yeah.
Anyway, I saw the box of underwear,
and I happened to see the person who dropped it off.
Total smoke show.
Oh.
So, and then there was a name on the box and an address.
So I was like, my first stocking perverse was super easy because I just went to that place.
Yeah.
And I kept putting pairs of underwear in the nail blocks every day.
And then they caught me.
And I got to tell you, what a rush.
Oh, you like what?
Oh, yes.
They were like, what the hell?
This is why you have it so many times on your on your resume.
Yes.
Because you were caught so many.
I was caught and I loved it.
It's a real lip biter.
You know when you like, something feels so good, you just got to bite your bottom lip and look up?
Yeah.
Daily, daily.
Wow.
Yeah.
Anyway.
Follows his dreams.
Yeah.
Sorry, writing that down?
Good, good.
Yeah.
I can do anything.
I can be anyone.
Like, okay, how would you stalk me?
How would you pervert me?
Oh, well, okay.
I don't normally work for free.
No.
Well,
Hey,
this is,
don't think of this as working for free.
Think of this as an investment in your future.
Think about like this.
You,
you demonstrate this here now,
and then that'll go a long way towards getting you the job.
Okay.
I'm finding this very interesting.
I feel like there could be a lot of practical applications for this.
Spitballing here,
just throwing things around.
Um,
just,
uh,
maybe I would wait until you got a boyfriend who,
You're going to be waiting a while.
I know a guy.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
Well, we could talk after this.
Okay.
Anyway, I'd wait until you had someone, but they weren't that into you.
Well, that'll be a shorter wait.
Sorry.
Self-deprecating humor.
No, it's hot.
Yeah.
Totally stalkable, by the way.
By the way, I mean that.
Thank you.
That's just because you're a potential boss.
God, thank you.
You know what?
I didn't know it, but I needed to hear that today.
I could kill you even.
Oh yeah, I've never done that.
You're not just saying that look at me.
Oh, do I look like someone who would lie about killing?
No, you don't.
Yeah.
Lock your doors.
So I'm saying, okay, done.
All right, keep going.
Well if I was just doing a simple stocking perv on you I think I wait to get the boyfriend They weren that interested Then I would start like leaving weird notes and following you around in like grocery stores Like you would see me and like you be like oh my God is that
is that the guy?
Right.
But you wouldn't know for sure.
And that would keep happening, you know, like shave your cat.
And then the whole idea is you tell your boyfriend
because you want him to do something about it.
But he's not that into you.
So he's not really, and then you're becoming a problem.
Now I'm suddenly not worth the headache
Exactly, he just wants a good time, a good quick fun time
Yeah
He leaves you
I'm none of those things
He leaves, now I can amp it up
And we can include elements of fear
Now there's no one to help
So you have isolated you, do you understand?
So now, Dr. Knickerbocker is shaved
That's my cat
Yes
And I'm alone
Yeah, shaved cat and all alone
And then what happens is I break one of your windows
But a week before I'd left a business card
For glass, a glazer
Oh
Yeah, but it's me
So you know that
When I show up
I open my trench coat to you
There's the perv
Oh
Wait, I'm trying to picture
Oh, wait, I didn't ask for this
Oh
So that's how I do it
Quick, I'm going to call the cops
Well, that would be really effective
Yeah
Thank you, wow, I'm learning so much
I'm teaching so much
Yeah
And you let me know if you want to go further
Because I always have a knife
Okay, well
I
Be nice to
Dr. Knickerbocker when you meet him
Well, it sounds like you
Would make
An excellent parakeet wrangler
here at PetSmart.
Oh my God.
You got the job.
I got the bird.
Congratulations, Francis.
I think we both got hired.
Yeah, people are saying
it's a hard economy for jobs.
I don't see it.
I don't see it at all.
This feels like
if you're not finding a job,
it's your fault.
Be honest.
Be confident.
Be bold.
Yep.
Have herpes.
Yep.
I think most of America
has accomplished that.
So.
yeah yeah so what is it three out of four
something like that
uh well and uh just be i'm not laughing at your pain america yeah no america we're we're here with
you yeah by the way they're gonna cure it eventually yeah totally or it'll get to four
out of four and then it won't matter right that's true that's a good point if everyone has herpes
it's like nobody has herpes yeah it's like if everyone has a million dollars it's like no one
does. Yep, exactly. Um, so yeah, those are our tips for you. Also be open with your, your previous
arrests. If they don't ask for them, they will appreciate your honesty upfront. That's right.
They will appreciate being saved money on a background checker. Just tell them everything.
Yeah. And if they know you're willing to kill them, they'll never mess with you. Yep. You know,
They'll fire the person who won't kill.
Never underestimate the power of a potential murder.
We should write an employment handbook.
I think we just did.
Yeah.
But pay us for this, listeners.
Yeah.
If you use this to get a job, we get 5% of your future.
Yeah, and the pennies are gone, so round up.
Yeah.
Although I will still take pennies.
I still accept them.
Sure, why not?
Yeah.
Minimum five.
All right.
Well, that wraps up.
Interview with a man hired.
He is now more employee than human.
All right.
We have one final segment on this show,
and that is the big question.
The question is very big.
Friends, we have a listener submitted big question.
HFS.
Horny Francis says, what?
Yeah, go on.
Wait, what does HFS stand for?
Holy fucking shit.
Oh.
Sugar crush.
Yeah.
All right.
Here's the question.
hello friends can you tell the story of the person you think you were in a past life
no requirements except the era they were the person you became you the they were the person
you became reincarnated as so their date of death is nine months before you were born born what
okay so basically who were you immediately before you were this person that you are right now
who were you so you you have been this person that you were before had to die
yes oh whoa you just dropped i wasn't gonna do it but i am who i am i was gonna say i had to
have been born in february of the year that you were born or died in february of the year that
you were born okay bleep out the year that i said okay um okay yeah that did it put it back
nine months and bleep it then uh february of the year i was i understand yeah so who was i
and for me i guess that would be what like august of the year before i was born
yeah
August September
yeah somewhere in there
okay yeah so who were you
before could be any
kind of backstory that you
oh my god
I just realized I have the perfect
one oh maybe you
want to start well you know what happened
nine months before I was
born
9-11
what did you do
I was a Saudi Arabian in a past life.
It's not too soon, right?
I can say that.
Yeah, I can say that.
Yeah, it's fine.
We're friends with them now.
Yeah.
Sugar crush.
Yeah, so.
I don't appreciate what you did.
It really changed the way that we fly.
You're the reason TSA lights are really long right now.
I have to take my shoes off now.
Actually, we can keep them on now.
Yeah.
And that was because of Richard Reed, the shoe bomber.
That was a, that was many years later, I think, the shoes thing.
Anyway, so who were you in your previous life?
I don't know.
In my previous life, I was a wife.
to a mean man who made me a mean woman.
Yes, I had it all.
Yes, I could do whatever I wanted.
But he was a real bastard.
You know, he made me cynical.
He made me bitter.
We had one of those tubs that was heart-shaped and really big.
Oh, sure.
Like the kind you'd find in a cheap motel in Vegas.
Yeah, that's actually where I got the idea to put it in our house.
And he said yes, and then as soon as we installed it,
he would just bitch and bitch about all the money that it cost.
But he made a lot of money, which is why I was with him.
And then one day I came home and he was with some other woman.
No.
Yeah.
And I think her name was Michelle.
Whoa.
Anyway.
She sounds terrible.
I gunned her down.
Mm-hmm.
And even though I was really angry with him, I was projecting.
And like he was there and he saw me do it.
three right in the face and i was like who's ugly now who's ugly now i was screaming this
and i had more bullets but i just looked at him and i gave him a look that was like
you decide what happens now do you want to help me bury this woman and we continue our marriage
or do you want to die and we didn't even talk he just went and got some tarp yeah he just knew
he just knew so that look in your eye we got rid of her but now i'm for the rest of my life
I felt the crushing weight of knowing that he had this on me.
Very vindictive man.
Ooh, yeah.
It's tough to like leave a witness.
Yeah.
When you commit a murder.
I get it.
Yeah.
Especially one like him.
Yeah.
One that you know would not hesitate because if he needed to hurt you, he would do it.
Yeah.
Plus I won't say what year it was, but I wasn't 100% sure about like forensic technology and
fingerprints and stuff.
But you heard rumors of it
Yeah
Whispers
Yeah
And so yeah
It got to the point where
It was just
I couldn't
I had ulcers
My hair was falling out
My boobs were deflating
And then of course that makes him want you less
Typical man not even realizing it's his fault
Exactly
typical man so i uh poisoned him and i called myself a rat taxi good um so i got out of there
by the time he was gurgling and um but they caught me yeah they caught me i died in prison
how'd you die i slipped and i hit my head on the bars and my neck my head went through the bars
which they didn't even think was possible.
I'm the reason that they have tighter bars.
Oh yeah.
So my neck went through and then someone had made a makeshift rollerblade in
my cell,
my cellmate and they were rolling around and they ran into me and like
coconut at my head and broke my neck.
So those prison bars that are called Jacqueline bars,
that was because of you.
Yeah.
A lot of people think that's candy.
It's not.
Yeah.
I love that.
We both,
both of our past selves inspired institutional reform in the United States.
Oh.
I love that for us.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Think about that, America.
Yeah.
And don't be bad.
Yeah.
I'm, of course, talking to America Ferreira, friend of the show.
Yeah.
Hi, America.
How you doing?
Well, do you?
Okay.
Let me ask you this.
So it feels like you had to deal with a pretty shitty marriage in real life.
Yeah.
totally real life.
Well,
in your past life,
you know what I'm saying?
It was real.
Yeah,
your past real life.
So,
do you think your current life
is a reward
or a punishment
for your behavior
in your past life?
I think it's neutral.
Okay.
I think everything I did
could be justified.
So,
okay.
So you kind of paid
for all of your sins
in your previous life.
You've kind of balanced
out that slate.
That slate is clean.
so you're starting afresh in this life.
It sounds like you were a good person who made some mistakes.
You were put in a tough situation.
Thanks.
Aren't we all?
Yeah.
I feel like the next one's going to be really good.
Really good.
It's going to be 70 degrees all the time.
Nice.
Yeah.
And you're a frigid bitch.
Yep.
Yeah.
Oh, that's a very interesting past life.
I'm glad to know that about you.
Thank you.
As people in Mexico say, que interesante.
Yes.
Quesarito.
Oh, that's French.
Gorgon.
What was the gorgeous?
Gargong.
Gorgon.
You'll get it.
Jenna, what were you in your past life?
I was Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.
Here's the thing.
So in my past life, I was a nice man, generally loved by all.
And I, but I had a daughter.
Now, this daughter was, when she was born, I hoped she would be the light of my life.
She was the ginger of your strife.
Yes, sadly.
She was a living terror.
You know her.
Her name is Wendy.
Now, everyone thinks Wendy's is a real sweet institution.
where I named it after my daughter, and look how adorable she is.
She's on our logo, and oh, I must have loved her so much.
No.
Sorry.
Wendy was not a frigid bitch in a good way.
She was...
A frosty bitch.
She, okay, she was a terror.
She was like a kid out of the Omen or something,
like terrorizing the neighborhood.
Pets would go missing.
Isn't that weird?
It is.
And she kept trying to break up, her mother and I,
Mrs. Thomas
Gwendolyn Thomas
we named Wendy after Gwendolyn
not knowing
what a horrible tribute that would be
to my poor sweet wife
she was the sweetest person
drove Gwendolyn to an early grave
Wendy did
now here's
here's where
my
fast food franchise
comes in
there was only one thing in this world
that Wendy loved.
Wendy loved her pet cow, Satan.
That's what she named it.
That's the kind of kid we're dealing with, okay?
She had a pet cow named Satan,
but this was the only thing on the planet that Wendy loved.
She was also terrified of squares.
so one day after my Gwendolyn died
I just
I couldn't take it anymore
I was at my limit of the nice old man
and I'll tell you what I did
and I would say I'm not proud of it but you know what I am proud of this
I killed Satan
and I made his meat
into burgers and it was
it was dinner time one day
and I was like Wendy
it's dinner time
and I sat
burger in front of Wendy
a square burger
not round
like you typically would be
because she likes round things
she hates squares
so I put this in front of her
she's looking at it
she's like you know I hate squares
why would you do this
I was like oh whoa
you don't like what I have to
to what I'm feeding you, why don't you go complain to Satan about it?"
She's like, you know what, maybe I will.
And then she ran out into the field and she like Satan Satan where are you Satan She couldn hear his bell She couldn hear his bell And Oh I forgot that was the pet Yeah
How did you kill?
No, I killed the cow, Satan.
Okay, got it.
To make the burgers.
Yeah.
And then finally she comes in.
She comes running in and.
Her, her red braids all asunder, the freckles on her face.
tears coming down her eyes.
And she's like, you killed Satan to make these burgers.
I was like, that's right.
And from now on, I'll kill everything you love
until you start behaving better.
And lo and behold, that worked.
She stayed indoors.
She didn't terrorize the neighborhood anymore.
and uh also the burgers were delicious i had a hit on my hands and a cow is a lot of meat i don't
know if you know that but it could feed a whole neighborhood and so i invited everybody over and
they were like we love this we love this you got to do more of this and you got to do it at a
grander scale so i was like fine i'll open up a restaurant and they were like oh well what are
you to name your restaurant? And I looked Wendy dead in her now vacant eyes. And I said, Wendy's,
because this is all because of her. And then eventually I got old and died of natural causes.
And now I'm, now I'm me. I think you've been rewarded. I do too. I stopped the world from
having to have, and I gave the world great food. I'm sorry. Frosty and fries. Whoa. Yeah.
Amazing. You're welcome. America Ferreira. So beautiful, beautiful. Yeah. Anyway, that's
who I was. So we were all, we were all a little murderous in our past lives, but you know,
But it worked out.
Yeah.
Just a little bit.
It worked out.
Yeah.
Well,
listener,
I think that answers
the big question.
The big question.
Thank you, baby.
All right.
Now,
if you out there
in the world
would like to submit
your own big question
for us to answer you can email us at veryfinefriends at gmail or you can contact us on all social media at veryfinefriends
Well, one last bit of business, Francis.
Secret words time.
Yep.
Got to reel in the anarchy here.
I wrote a bunch of them down.
Me too.
I think we both did.
Yeah.
How shall we begin?
I'm
You want this to go?
Let's just agree not to guess each other's words this time.
No, I'm not agreeing to that.
Fine, it's on, bitch.
Frigid bitch.
Do you want to go first or do you want me to go first?
No, I'll go first.
Okay.
I'm really worried about
this is scary okay um i'll just say it climbs no thank god i enjoyed you panicking about that
sure did sure did so now you can just enjoy that word for what it is thanks
is your decoy word terrorize nope
is your decoy word terrorizing nope
Get that shit out of the way.
Is your word franchise?
Nope.
Is your word obtrusive?
Nope.
Is your word unwieldy?
Nope.
Is your word winky?
No.
Slate?
Nope.
Institution?
Nope.
Rigorous?
Nope.
My last guess.
Satan. No, no. You search that a lot. Yeah. Uh, no, my word was marathon. No memory. I,
I said when people are on the sidewalk and it's hot and they're trying to get someplace,
it's a sprint, not a marathon. They're not looking to be on the sidewalk for a very long
time. Well placed. You kind of looked at me a little weird when I said it, but then you didn't
write anything down so i felt like i got away with it you did get i did no my decoy word was
too bad this wasn my real word because you said it a lot my decoy word was stalking oh damn yeah damn that would have i have been pissed yeah i know you would have it was like oh dang Because that would have been oh you would have won for the next year Yeah you said that a bunch
Okay, well.
All right.
I don't, so I have a bunch of words written down.
I don't know if there's any of them that I want to guess as a decoy.
I might just guess them all as your regular word.
You go right ahead.
I hope this isn't your word because I said it.
Pergola?
No.
Oh, you little bastard.
Invariably?
No.
Coupon?
Or coupons, plural?
No.
Ubiquitous?
No.
Have I guessed that before for you?
I don't know.
Or you might have guessed it for me.
I feel like that's been guessed before.
It's a pretty ubiquitous guess.
Yes, thank you.
I know.
whispers no okay
deflating no why did you look at joe i don't know i want to see his reaction he's part of this
destitute yes that's your word yeah oh
oh yeah all right well then i have two other words left that i want to guess is your decoy
okay okay is your decoy word glazer no okay is your decoy word pharaoh no oh boy i thought she
was gonna get it since i handed in yeah oh it was anarchy oh oh i did think that was weird that
basically what you said was the opposite well i guess like i thought it was weird and yet i know
not weird enough.
Hmm.
Destitute.
Yeah.
You know what?
I'm not even mad.
Good.
Thank you.
Sugar crush.
Okay.
Well,
another successful game for you.
I hope we go back and forth like this.
Yeah.
Cause I mean,
you beat me last time,
I think.
Yeah.
I was only trying to catch back up.
No,
I,
I mean,
we might've like,
we might be like back and forth leveling the playing field here.
We are athletes.
Oh,
elite.
elite athletes.
Oh, all right.
Well, I guess that's all there is.
Good night.
Oh, pervert.