welcome to friends like us bonus improv oh yeah yeah uh joe can we get a suggestion please
litigation oh litigation perfect because you're a lawyer yes this is tailored to me
oh i was thinking about lawyers today actually oh you know the husband and wife law team yeah
um i was thinking i'm more of a law tigers kind of gal myself but yeah it's good to have a rolodex
of yeah lawyers yeah i was thinking that um the best to get the best lawyer what you really need
is for them to get divorced
and then for them to hire their own attorneys
and then to hire the one that won.
Yeah.
Because then you really know.
Yeah.
That's who they picked.
Yep.
Have you ever seen in movies or whatever
or read about the strategy of people are getting divorced
and then you meet with all the lawyers in town
so there's a conflict of interest?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's hot.
I know.
It is kind of hot.
It's like a...
It's mobby behavior.
I like it, though.
Yeah, it's smart.
Yeah.
It's so expensive.
Hey.
All's fair in divorce and lawyers.
I would just try not to get divorced, even if I hated them.
That would be ideal.
Yeah.
But, you know, we live in a fallen world.
We do.
Yeah.
How many people do you think when they get married and they say, like,
the death do us part.
How many people do you think genuinely believe they're going to be with the
person till they die?
I think we can almost exclusively divide this by gender.
Really?
Because I feel like there's probably a lot of people that are just like,
you know what?
If it doesn't work out,
it doesn't work out.
Like they're not going into it thinking that this is actually going to be
like a long-term thing.
Yeah.
I think when you're in,
I mean,
as you know,
I,
everyone's hot to me,
but I'm chronically single
because it hard to choose a partner I know So I not the authority is what I saying But it seems to me when people are like in that like veil of love Yeah Like you really an optimist
Yeah.
You know?
And so like I think a lot of people maybe do believe.
Because like why would you bother?
I don't know.
Obligation?
How many people do you think get married?
Because they're like, ah, it's time I guess.
I've been with this chick for
three years, I guess
it's fine. I bet you there's a lot of that.
Oh, but that's going on their head, right?
Yeah, they're not saying it.
That's their proposal.
It's not in their vows or anything.
Okay.
Although, it should be.
Yeah, I think it's about to be.
And now,
improv.
what what i was just thinking
what well all my friends are married yeah and you're cool you know what i could do it
do what what are we what are we talking about here well i was just thinking you know you and me
we get married. And
if I get tired of you or
something, I just
get divorced.
You know,
my friend Sandra
just got married. She had a bunch of gifts.
Yeah.
It was all about her for like a
year, too. Just her, not him?
No, she made it all about her.
Oh, you wouldn't do that, though. I kind of would. It looked like
fun. Oh.
gotta think about this. And then I kind of think
like, yeah,
I mean,
if we got divorced, you wouldn't be like a dick about
it, right? So, we're just like...
That could be my time to make it about me.
That's true.
If I get a year,
yeah, you can kind of make...
Yeah. So, we agree on that?
You get the wedding, I get the divorce?
Okay. Deal.
Alright.
Let's do this, bitch.
Yeah.
Cut to three months later.
Honey, you have to do the dishes.
It's all about me this year.
The whole year I told We made this We made this agreement remember When we got engaged I I thought I planned our wedding for one exactly one year later
To the second.
I did that because I wanted to milk every possible second out of this year of it being all about me.
Fine, I'll- I guess I'll commit to my obligate-
Oh, I see what you're doing.
You want a divorce.
We're not married yet.
Yeah, I know.
You're playing the long game.
Maybe.
I'll do the dishes.
Fine.
Oh, they're sparkling.
Yes, I use a product.
Oh, the product's called sparkling.
Yeah.
Well, okay.
Got to six months later.
Got three months left.
Until the wedding?
Until the wedding.
Okay, I'm with you.
It's still about me.
It's all about me.
Okay.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to be a human footstool
We don't have an ottoman
I want an ottoman at this moment in time
I could just buy an ottoman
Why buy an ottoman when
No, you know what?
I'm a man
Douglas is free
Put him on me
Yeah
Ooh
Relaxing
Thank you
These sounds are complimentary to me
Now let's watch old PBS episodes of Hercule Poirot
Oh, the Agatha Christie guy
Yeah
Oh, we're a good couple.
Well, you're not allowed to watch.
What?
No, because I don't want you to know who the killer is.
Oh.
Sorry.
It's yours.
I made the deal.
It's all about me.
Yeah, it's okay.
It's all about you.
It sucks, though.
Yeah, sorry.
You should have thought of that before you made, we got engaged.
I was blind about the divorce.
Cut to three months and 15 seconds later.
Well, this is it.
Big moment.
We're married.
Wow.
I finally did it.
Can you, um...
Oh, it's about to rain.
Can you hand me that umbrella?
Hell no.
What?
Uh-uh.
I've been waiting for this.
Oh, shoot.
Yeah, that's it.
Look at your clock.
Oh, no.
I cut holes in the umbrella.
It says negative 23 seconds.
Yeah, you're done.
It's about me now.
Well, no, we're not divorced yet.
What are you saying?
Oh, no, no.
It's not about you until it's a divorce.
Guess what?
What?
I want a divorce.
Nah, um...
What do you mean, no?
I mean, no.
Not yet.
That wasn't clarifying.
No no It like launching nukes from a submarine We both have to turn our key That not Rock paper scissors No Come on No I refuse
You can't.
I can't give up on this marriage yet.
Sorry, father.
You got your year?
Father, father.
Don't say you may not kiss the bride yet, okay?
We're not...
Just give us a minute, please.
No, I'm not getting divorced yet.
Sorry.
Well, I'll get ill.
I dare you to.
I will test these vows to the bounds of their strength.
Test away, baby.
Oh, guess what? I lost all our money. We're poor.
All right, well, that's fine.
I agree to that.
You're just never getting your year, you son of a bitch.
Oh, I'm not that sick.
I'll last my year.
We'll see about that.
I'm not dying until this divorce is finalized.
Do you hear me?
I'm on oxygen.
Yeah, we'll see who gets the last laugh.
I'll be laughing.
It'll sound like this.
Because I'll be so sick, but alive.
Well, well, well, see.
Now let's go consummate this thing.
Oh, you're going to consummate this?
Excuse us, everyone.
Cut to six and a half years later.
Ha, you're still as healthy as a horse.
This is ridiculous.
I smoke 10 packs a day.
I know.
And you've never looked better, you son of a bitch.
I don't understand.
No, what are you doing?
Nah, you're not going to get that divorce.
I stopped taking vitamins.
I got bit by a dog.
I know.
Nope, you're immune to rabies.
You're the first person in the history of the world that's ever been immune to rabies.
I even breathed in pool water.
I know, and I just peed in it, too.
I'm glad you're amused by that.
I'm not amused.
I'm ill
It's a mental illness
Oh good
I can't wait to see you through it
No! I'm forgetting who you are
And I'm mean to you
Cut to
44 years
Later
50 years you son of a bitch
I can't believe you got diagnosed first
Ha ha ha
End scene
We'll see you next time.