welcome to very fine friends hey y'all friends you sound a little down you down no i'm up i'm up
Here I'll go.
I'll say, ready?
Welcome to Very Fine Friends.
Oh, that's the sound of a man who's up.
I say I'm so up, we should probably do a little bonus improv.
What do you say?
Oh, you mean it?
Oh, I mean it.
Today's your lucky day.
Bonus improv.
Mm-hmm.
Hit me with it, Joe.
What's your suggestion, Joe?
My suggestion is...
Very big.
awards awards
you ever get an award francis yeah you know i've gotten an award i do the first award i ever got
was champion chubby what they like put babies in like you know i don't think i knew this
yeah you said i have a picture of me holding the trophy i was a little baby you know babies have
rolls. Yeah. So they like put all these like
rolly babies in a contest and whoever had like
the most rolls won the contest.
Wow. Yeah, it was me.
Thanks for immortalizing
that camera.
But that's cute.
Yeah, I was kind of cute. Yeah.
So this picture I was like smiling and like my
mouth is open and you can see my little baby tongue.
Surprise
I didn't eat the trophy.
Or did I?
Did you?
Yeah.
You were young.
Guess who was in the picture with me?
My little chihuahua, Kokomo.
That's cute.
Yeah, I have a video of me going.
We're like getting ready to leave the house.
And you know that they have like the big Magnavox?
Like over the shoulder camera?
Yeah, yeah.
And we're getting ready and I was like,
did you feed Kokomo?
It was so cute.
Adorable baby.
Did they feed Kokomo?
Yeah, she said, yes, I fed Kokomo.
I'll bring the video sometime.
All right, cool.
I look forward to it.
Thanks.
Have you ever won anything?
Um, I think probably the biggest award or like the, the one, the biggest is I not, not
really is the answer to this question.
The closest I ever came, I think was, uh, when I was at basketball camp when I was probably
like 10, 11, 12, somewhere in there.
and they had us in like different groups
and like each group had their own like awards
but there was like one,
like there was like an overall award
that was most improved camper that I won That was like the biggest award they had But it was funny
I remember we're all sitting on the court in our lines
as they're doing their award ceremony or whatever.
And they're like, Most Improved.
And they're like, Jenna.
And it took me a second to realize they called my name.
And so I didn't get up right away.
It just didn't occur to me that it would be me.
So then I jumped up and then I ran to the front.
And they're like, look at her hustling even now to get her award.
But it was one of those things.
It's like, I knew, like, I know exactly why they gave it to me.
And it was one of these moments.
It was like, so I, it was like, like a recess type moment.
And there was a bunch of like camp counselors standing around.
And I went up to him and I was like, hey, can I ask you about my shot?
And like, can you help me?
Like, I'm not sure if I'm doing this right.
So like, it was like, I took my time that was like technically my free time.
and I asked the counselors for help
because I wanted to get better.
And I'm pretty sure that that one moment,
and I remember at the time when it was happening,
like I did actually want to,
like I wasn't trying to game the system,
but I remember at the time like being like,
they love this.
They love that I asked them for help like this.
And then it was like, it was proven correct.
Wow.
I didn't do it to be manipulative.
No, no, I would never think that about you.
Well, I mean, I am capable of that.
But in that particular instance,
I was legitimately asking for their help, but I could tell that they were.
See, that's why I would love to be able to read minds, because that would be so funny.
I was like watching all this happen, and then I just like reading your mind, and you're
like, they love this.
Laughing in the corner.
You'll never know.
Yeah.
Well, that's great.
Congratulations.
Yeah, thanks.
I was like when I was 10.
You earned it.
I peaked with most improved, which also implies needing a lot of improvement.
It implies not starting out so great.
It's okay.
Still an award.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Anytime.
And now, improv.
Mildred, I have something for you.
Oh, thank you.
What is it?
Well, I had it made at the Trophy Store.
Has your name on it.
Oh.
Oh, is it best friend?
Close.
Oh.
Let me open it for you.
It says...
Best pies?
I make the best pies.
No, no, no.
It says, to Mildred, award, last week, you were not annoying.
Oh.
It's heavy.
Yeah, it implies cost.
Oh, it's...
Oh, the top of it is a bust of my head that my mouth is open and I look real naggy.
They got it pretty close, huh?
Yeah.
Ooh Wait so wait I sorry Last week I was not annoyed No it was great It was really good I even got to cancel my therapy appointment this week Wait wait
Thank you.
Wait, no, I'm sorry.
If I'm getting an award specifically for not being annoying last week,
Agnes, does this mean I'm annoying all the other weeks?
Oh my God.
I have an award just for this moment.
To Mildred, award.
for reading between the lines.
Oh, no.
Wait, no, no, no.
Have you been trying, am I not good at that?
Have you been trying to drop hints and I haven't been getting them?
A third award.
What?
Mildred.
She gets it.
Well, that one I like.
Oh, there's a little part at the bottom.
Other times she doesn't.
Oh.
What?
It's cute.
All of these awards are implying that most of my life I'm pretty stupid.
and there's only fleeting moments
where I'm actually a human being
that you want to be around
I gotta write that down, that's so poetic
there's only fleeting moments
where I'm a human being, where you want to be around
that was good
I might have a trophy for you next week for that
look, I appreciate the trophies
but you know what, I feel like I'd rather not have them
if they're going to make me feel like this
if they're going to make me feel
like I have to rethink my whole life
and everything I've ever said and done
and every cat I've ever bought.
You don't have a problem with my cats, do you?
Well, I certainly wasn't going to waste money on them.
It's a handwritten award.
Oh.
To Mildred.
Last week, I didn't hate your cats.
But next week I will.
Oh.
No, next week your cat's hitting for me.
You can't hate them if your cat's...
Yeah.
I know how negligent you get when you don't like things.
Yeah.
I throw cats.
You throw cats?
Yeah, they land on their feet.
You're getting so hysterical.
Let's just go back to five minutes ago before you were upset.
Okay.
Let me just take all these back.
Okay.
Thank you.
They're gone.
They're off the table, literally.
Thank you.
How you doing, Mildred?
I'm pretty.
I don't know.
Let me tell you about,
did I tell you about my leg thing?
No.
It's nothing.
It's fine.
Oh, good, good.
We can probably move on then.
So here's the deal.
Okay.
I went to the doctor
and I was telling him
I'm having these,
skip, skip, skip, skip, skip.
These pains up and down my leg.
Skip forward, skip forward.
And he's like,
Mildred we've talked about this before
It's on your head I'm like doctor
I think you told me this story already
Oh did I? Yeah
Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to repeat my story
No that's okay
Anyway I sure What is that face This face Yeah that face What is that gun Put that gun
This gun?
Yeah, remove it from your temple, please.
No, okay.
Well, I had an itch to leave this fucking world.
Mildred.
Agnes.
We've been friends a long time.
Yeah.
I just have to be honest.
We were both chubby babies next to each other in bassinets.
I know, and I won.
I know.
Listen, there's a lot of great things about you.
I'm just going to...
You're here.
Existing?
Yeah.
Existing is the best thing about me?
Existing is so rare.
Most people don't exist.
Everyone does exist.
Not the people who aren't here yet or who have died.
The people that died existed.
Okay.
Well, you're either going to love this or you're going to hate this.
I have an award.
It says,
Dear Mildred,
yeah you're alive yeah dot dot dot and then the smiley face that looks like this
the like the woman's kind of sticking his tongue out yeah it's uh yeah but wait but the dot dot
dot does that imply that implies something yeah it implies there's more on the backside
I'm turning around okay
and I wish I was dead
so my
award is for
being
alive but you wish
you were dead
do I really need to look in my bag for the one that says you get it
yeah
you know what
I have an award for you
too
I actually did have one made for you
this is very odd that you started doing this.
Oh my God.
Awards.
Yeah.
Give it to me.
Yeah.
Here.
Here it is.
It says to Agnes.
Good.
So far so good.
The best friend in the whole world
who makes me happy to be alive
and who is the meaning of my existence.
And I got you one other one.
Oh, so sweet.
To Agnes, best at not throwing cats.
Oh, here I got one for myself too.
It says to Agnes.
So I guess I'm the asshole.
Thanks.
Yeah.
I guess you are.
Well, I'm trophy rich.
And I'm friend poor.
That's it.